Holiday Special

South Park 21×3

Eric: This is an outrage! This a violation of our human rights!
Kyle: Dude, what the hell is going on?
Eric: You didn't hear the announcement? They just canceled Columbus Day. We have to come to school on Monday! ... Some asshole went and convinced the school board that Columbus Day is racist and should be eliminated.
Tweek: You can't take away a day off. We're just innocent children!

Peter Galtman: ...one parent in particular has really swayed my opinion with his passion... Mr. Randy Marsh. Mr. Marsh pointed out to me the hypocrisy of glorifying a genocidal murderer. And Mr. Marsh is, right now, also working on having the Columbus statue taken down in Canyon City.

Randy Marsh: Stan, it's not right that people celebrate a man who wiped out millions of people for his own glory... Hello, is this, uh, Howard Peterson? You live in Columbus, Ohio. Is that correct?... Yeah? You racist piece of shit... You heard me. You're an intolerant pig... Oh, you're not? You just choose to live in a city named for ethnic cleansing?... No. Fuck you! Rename your city, asshole! Hello? Okay, next one. Come on. Get calling, Stan.

Randy Marsh: You can't be nuanced and subtle anymore or else critics go, "Wow, what was the point of that?" Hi, Francis Melman? Hey! How are you, you fucking racist?

TV Reporter: So, you're doing this because of indigenous peoples and their feelings?
Randy Marsh: I don't care if people get indigenous. I'll crap all over their statues. I'm the one who's indigenous that this landmark even exists!

Kyle: No, wait, guys. Maybe that's it. When I'm dealing with my mom, sometimes it works to be on her side for a minute. Maybe we should find out all the things people find offensive about Columbus and...
Eric: And then totally act like we care. I like it, Kyle.
Kyle: I'll just look up "Columbus, offensive, inflammatory..."
Eric: ...... What'd you find, Kyle?
Kyle: Nothing.

Randy Marsh: Not now, Stan. I'm working on a proposal to change British Colombia to just British.

Stan: If you hate Columbus so much, why'd you dress up like him?
Randy Marsh: Look, that was a long time ago. Okay? .... Look, I was younger! We were all younger. It was another time. You have to understand, it was 2013. Everyone was stoked on Columbus back then.

---

Bike Man: I thought I was just a standard white guy. But DNAandMe showed that I'm actually 4.2% Cherokee Indian.
Gym Woman: Turns out I'm not totally white. I'm also part Northern Asian, and even some Kurdish! I'm a victim of oppression!
Steve: I used to get in trouble for always using the "N" word. But with DNAandMe, I found out that I'm 2.1% black!
Office Guy: Morning, Steve.
Steve: 'Sup, nigga.
Frenchman: People made fun of me for being French. DNAandMe showed I was 8% Navajo. Nobody's making fun of me now, or my people, who were victims.
Jogging Woman: I'm 13% victim!
Painter: I'm 21% victim.

Mr. Galtman: Now you listen here, Mr. Man. The Galtmans do not believe in social media or the Internet. It's all fake news.
Mrs. Galtman: Fake news.

Native American: I wrote you a song to express my feelings for you:
    ♪ ......... ♪
    ♪ ......... ♪
    ♪ ......... ♪
    ♪ And then he kissed me ♪

Eric: You guys can all give up, but I'm not. Because in 1492, Columbus got us all a day off school. With just three ships, he sailed over so we could have some 'me time' in October. And, yes, millions were slaughtered and throats were cut. But if we don't get that day off school, then... for what?

Randy Marsh: ...instead of glorifying anyone, let us make it a holiday about the negative feelings that we all sometimes feel, say what we're really thinking so we can move on. And so, the second Monday of October will still be a holiday. But instead of Columbus Day, it will be for ripping on each other and tearing each other down, and we will call it Indigenous Peoples Day. For, perhaps, if we all do it at the same time, we won't be so indigenous the rest of the year.

Dave: Do you even know what indigenous means, you frickin' idiot?
Randy Marsh: That's the spirit, Dave! Come on! Everybody, let's just all be totally indigenous! Come on!

Randy Marsh: Come on! Get it out of your system! Happy Indigenous Peoples Day, everyone! Suck my asshole.

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