Scrubs 1x4

My Old Lady

& Elliot: I called down and requested a Spanish-speaking nurse... No English, huh?.. I’m a chunky monkey from funky town.
    Carla: I’ll have trouble translating that.

& JD: I admitted this really neat old lady today.
    Turk: Neat?! Dude, the 1930s called and they want their lingo back.

& Turk: I got a hernia* patient to take care of.
    JD: What’s his name?
    Turk: His name’s Hernia Patient. But we’ve gotten close so I call him Hernia.

& Dr. Cox: Listen, cookie. You’ve been here over a month. This is Medicine 101. I don’t want everything run by me. I don’t wanna give my two cents but if you do want my opinion, rest assured it will always be that you’re an incredible pain and every time I see your Kewpie-Doll face it just makes me want to pick you up and shake you until all the hours of my life that you’ve wasted fall out. Now laugh.
    Elliot: What?!
    Dr. Cox: Laugh so that she doesn’t think I’m yelling at you.

---

& Turk: David, right? I’m Turk.
    David: What’s up? Want some IV?
    Turk: No, I’m good.

& Elliot: I increased the heparin to 1,500 units per hour. Does that sound like enough?
    Carla: Should be.
    Elliot: Speaking of heparin... have you slept with Turk yet?
    Carla: What?!

& Carla: I like to wait. I like a guy to want it so bad he thinks he isn’t gonna get it ever. When he’s lost the will to live, I jump him.
    Elliot: So how long does that take?
    Carla: A month, maybe two... What about you?
    Elliot: I like to use sex as an ice-breaker.

& JD: We’re gonna have to start you on dialysis. I’m not a big fan of dialysis. We don’t really have a choice.
    Mrs. Tanner: Actually, I do have a choice... I think I’m ready to die.
    JD: ............
    Mrs. Tanner: You’re gonna have to shut your mouth at some point.

& Turk: He’s a good kid and he needed a friend.
    Dr. Kelso: Your patients don’t need friends, they need a doctor.

& Carla: She needs to know what’s going on.
    Elliot: I... I’ll be right back.

& Dr. Cox: If she declines dialysis, there is no ethical dilemma.
    JD: But what about our duty to do everything...
    Dr. Cox: “What about our duty...?” Look, this has nothing to do with the patient. This is all about you. You are afraid of death. And you can’t be. You’re in medicine. You gotta accept that everything we do here, everything, is a stall. We’re just trying to keep the game going, that’s it. But, ultimately, it always ends up the same way. ... Hope I helped.

--
hernia — грыжа

On Imdb.

Scrubs 1x3

My Best Friend's Mistake

& Dr. Cox: His TV is broken, so when you two start tagging each other, the least you can do is wake him up and let him watch.

& JD: I’m just a little lonely. I haven’t been hanging out with Turk since he’s been dating Carla.
    Dr. Cox: First of all, who’s Turk? And don’t answer. Look, if you have a medical question, I’m forced by hospital policy to answer you. However, if you ask me about a personal problem, I’m going to start doing this...
    JD: Ouch!

& Janitor: You seem unhappy... I like that.

& Todd: T-Man. I’m gonna get my grub on.
    JD: ???
    Turk: Means he’s gonna go eat.

& Dr. Kelso: OK, gang, it’s time for rounds. Let’s see who’s The Weakest Link.

& JD: I have a quick legal question... I’m just curious. What if, hypothetically...
    Lawyer: Oh, God! You killed somebody.
    JD: No!
    Lawyer: Someone else did?
    JD: No, no one killed anyone.
    Lawyer: Maimed*, mutilated*, disfigured*.

& Elliot: Dr. Cox...
    Dr. Cox: I’m really hoping there’s another Dr. Cox sat behind me.

---

& Elliot: Sending me to Kelso like that, I’m not sure what you were trying to teach me.
    Dr. Cox: The value, and this is important, of leaving me alone.

& Dr. Cox: I’ve had enough. The next whiny intern that comes to me for a cookie and a hug, I swear to Aisha, I’m going to hurt them. And you, you one-woman freak show, take your blah-blah to the blah-blah-ologist. If you’re so stupid as to confront the Chief of Medicine, over some quasi-offensive endearment, then you’ve got to replace the captain of your brain ship because he’s drunk at the wheel.

& Elliot: You don’t wanna hear about my day...
    JD: You’re right. Kiss me.
    Elliot: Right now?
    JD: We can wait three, four seconds.
    Elliot: But I just ate, I feel gross.
    JD: Not gross, pretty.

--
Maimed — искалеченный; изувеченный
mutilated — изуродованный
disfigured — изуродованный; истерзанный

+ on Imdb.

Scrubs 1x2

My Mentor

Leroy - Good Time

& Dr. Kelso: ...are you? If you have time to listen to music, then I assume you have time to finish your paperwork.

& JD: How’s it goin’?
    Janitor: I’m a 37-year-old. I’m a janitor. How d’you think it’s going?

& JD: I think it’s healthy, hanging out with a girl without the ultimate goal being sex. You know?
    Turk: ... I’m not following.

& Dr. Cox: How many packs a day, genius?
    Will: Half a pack.
    Dr. Cox: I’m sorry. I phrased the question wrong. How many packs a day, really?
    Will: Eleven.

---

& Turk: I’m not really interested in her.
    Todd: Then the Todd’ll show that little biscuit some love. ... Fine. Todd’ll show himself some love.

& JD: Sometimes, if all you have is old words, all you can do is hope they say something new.

& JD: Will... I got him to quit smoking.
    Dr. Cox: For ever? No last one? The last ones are better than sex. Trust me, I’ve had 1,000 of them.

& Dr. Cox: This woman is just fantastic. The breasts are probably fake but by God, those tears are real.

& Dr. Cox: Tell me the answer to this question. Do you want to be the big spoon or the little spoon?

& Turk: ... And your ass is especially fine today.

--
+ on Imdb.

Scrubs 1x1

My First Day

& JD (John Dorian): You know how I'm down with the rap music?
    Turk: Dude, be whiter.

& Elliot: I love Pac-Man.
    JD: Me, too. I love watching it, I love playing it, I love all of it.

& Elliot: Every male in my family is a doctor. That's why Dad gave me a guy's name, made me play sports, date girls. Joking.
    JD: I know. I would've laughed if you'd paused.

& Elliot: I know what you're thinking.
    JD: Your butt looks like two Pringles hugging. No, you don't.

& Dr. Cox: Did you actually just page me to find out how much Tylenol to give to Mrs. Lenzer?
    JD: I was worried it could exacerbate...
    Dr. Cox: It's regular-strength Tylenol. Here's what you do. Open her mouth, take a handful and throw it at her. Whatever sticks, that's the correct dosage.

& JD: Dr. Kelso is always saying...
    Dr. Cox: I'm gonna say this as carefully as possible, so I don't overstate it. Dr. Kelso is the most evil human being on the planet and may in fact be Satan himself.

& JD: Most of my patients are... older and sorta checked-out, mentally.
    Dr. Cox: Pumpkin, that's modern medicine. Advances that keep people alive who should've died a long time ago. Back when they lost what made them people. Your job is to stay sane enough so when someone does come in that you can help, you're not so braindead you can't function.

---

& Dr. Cox: Write this down. If you push around a stiff, nobody'll ask you to do anything.

& Dr. Cox: Have a terrific day.

& Turk: I had my hands inside of a guy's chest. I couldn't even see them.
    JD: You weren't scared?
    Turk: One way or another, everyone stops bleeding.

& JD: I thought we cared for each other.
    Elliot: You just wanna sleep with me.
    JD: I don't wanna sleep with you now.
    Elliot: Do me right here... See?!

& Todd: Tell me if I'm going too fast, OK?
    Carla: Lose the clothes. ... Damn, this is hot. Nice.
    Todd: Your turn.
    Carla: No, I gotta get back, but very nice.

& Dr. Bob Kelso: Why don't you just head on home? You look kinda tired...
    JD: I am pretty tired.
    Dr. Bob Kelso: Dr. Dorian, do you not realise that you're nothing but a large pair of scrubs to me?! The only reason I carry this chart around is so I can pretend to remember your names. If the patient has insurance, you treat them. If they don't, you show them the door. And if somebody dies, you get the autopsy. Get it by rounds tomorrow or I'll scratch your name off my chart. Clear?!

& JD: I guess that's it for now. 31 hours, 12 minutes, and I am...

--
scrubs — поросль; ничтожный человек; карликовое растение; второй состав; поденщик, выполняющий тяжелую, грязную работу; ничтожный

+ on Imdb.Scrubs 1x