Pancakes

You're the Worst 5×13

Lindsay: I can't believe this day is finally here!.. I mean, think about all the men it took to get here... So, so many men.

Gretchen: I don't even pity you anymore. I just hate you now.

Jimmy: Well... I-I don't think that I want to marry you.

Gretchen: You mad?
Jimmy: Only murderously.

Jimmy: We should probably go in. Watch Paul and Lindsay make the same mistake twice.

Jimmy: I had to pretend to be someone who wants to take care of someone in sickness and health. False concepts like "forever," "eternity," "until death..." Who wants to lie in front of everyone they know that they're gonna love someone forever? How can you know that?!

Jimmy: You've been saying all along that we might change. Well, can you really promise that your feelings won't change 40 years from now? 20 years from now? Five years from now? This ceremony... is a fiction. It's a false guarantee that protects us from exactly nothing. It's novocaine. It's an opiate. It's a lie!

Gretchen: So, instead of making these giant, fake, impossible-to-live-up-to pledges, what the fuck are we gonna do? What do you want, Jimmy?
Jimmy: .... Pancakes.

---

Gretchen: So we're not getting married.
Jimmy: No.
Gretchen: But we're not breaking up.
Jimmy: No.
Gretchen: So what are we going to do?

Jimmy: Every day... we choose. I don't want to be with you because I made a promise to be with you. I want to be with you because I want to be with you. So every day... we wake up, we look at each other and say, "Today, again... I choose you." Until maybe one day we don't.

Jimmy: We don't declare anything. Except this... Gretchen, every day I will make the choice to love you. And love you I will. Wholeheartedly. That one day. Because I choose to.

Gretchen: Hey, you know that there's always a possibility that some day I might leave my phone and keys at home and step in front of a train. You know that, right?
Jimmy: Yeah. But I'll move on really quickly. Like, record-setting.
Gretchen: Okay.

--
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We Were Having Such a Nice Day

You're the Worst 5×12

Gretchen: Holy shit! All of it?
Jimmy: And with 24 hours to go.

Gretchen: You have given me a gift no one has before... Acceptance. Unconditional acceptance.

Gretchen: Before you put on your pants, where's your favorite place to go?
Lindsay: Nowhere.
Gretchen: That's where we're going.

Edgar: This first stop represents a dream from your past. Something you used to talk about but never got to do... Sochi 2014. You wouldn't stop talking about curling. Jimmy: No sport more misunderstood. No players more understandably hair-trigger defensive than those of curling.

Gretchen: Mommy, I'm marrying Jimmy, not Boone.

Mrs. Cutler: I know you're marrying Jimmy. I'm not a complete idiot.
Gretchen: Oh. Then why are you here?
Mrs. Cutler: Our daughter is getting married. We've had front row seats to all your mistakes, so why stop now?

Edgar: Okay, for our second stop, Jimmy, .... it's your past again, but this one is bad. It's all the anger and stress and anxiety you've held onto, and it is time to let it out... It's a smash room!

Jimmy: Dial-ins! Sheila! Studio system! Signature cocktails! Vendors! Caterers! Depression! AAAAA!!!

Becca: I'm not ruining his baby. I can't help it if the baby craves unpasteurized cheese.
Paul: And sushi?
Becca: I didn't eat sushi. It was sashimi. Rice goes straight to my hips.
Vernon: Chillax, dorkus. It's good to challenge babies' immune systems. That's how you make an X-Men.

Paul: Please. Just tell me how much.
Becca: Paul, you can't put a price on a mother's love.
Vernon: But if you want to put a price on a mother's love, - low mid-to-mid six figs all in.

---

Vernon: Babies are the real trip. All kinds of new experiences. The nonstop screaming, clipping them tiny fingie nails, not being able to run out right quick to see the new Minions movie 'cause some little dummy might roll over onto her face and die.

Mrs. Cutler: Everyone's fine. Life is good, Gretchen. I don't know why you have to make it so difficult for yourself.
Gretchen: I don't make it difficult. It is difficult. To be honest, it feels like...
Mrs. Cutler: No one wants to hear these things. If you insist on sharing them, you'll just push everyone away.

Edgar: Last stop on the train..... That's the point of this day. You still think of yourself as lowly, poor, undeserving on the outside, but, Jimmy... you belong now.

Becca: Carve out sauvignon blanc in the third trimester, and you can do whatever you want with my placenta.

Mrs. Cutler: You know, I see young people, daughters of my friends struggling with the question of having children, and I just want to tell them, "Don't. It's not worth it..." I'm serious. What pleasure is it?

Mrs. Cutler: You don't like me. Your brother's a child. You wanted real. Whatever you think of me, it's my job to want more for you than you want for yourself. But if you need someone who doesn't push you and embraces your flaws, I'm glad you found Jimmy.

Jimmy: You know, it is both infuriating and humbling how thoughtful of a friend you are. You've seen me at my worst, and yet... you've always seen my worth.

Edgar: You love each other, but that's not the same thing as being good for each other.

Edgar: You'll destroy each other.
Jimmy: There is no way I'd rather go.

--
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Four Goddamn More Days

You're the Worst 5×11

Jimmy: Mi-might I remind you that your first wedding is but five days away, and we still need to choose the font for the name cards and pick a punny name for our signature cocktail.
Gretchen: And we're totally gonna do all that bullshit, but again, supes swamped at wiz-erk.

Gretchen: I'll tell him after. Divorce is so much paperwork. He'll never get around to that shit.

Jimmy: I've done it. I bested my depression. Gretchen, I gazed into the eye of the great void and I said, "Nay, you shan't take me today, void."

Jimmy: I can't believe we're getting married in four days!
Gretchen: Same!

Lindsay: Okay, you're right, maybe I am trying hard but that's because I love you so quit the bullshit and tell me you love me back or I'll stab you, you fucking cunt!

Gretchen: Four days, Lindsay! You couldn't hold on for four goddamn more days?

Gretchen: I was really trying at work. And I still blew it. Even when I try, I fail. I always fail.

Jimmy: Our wedding is gonna be amazing...

--
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Magical Thinking

You're the Worst 5×10

Jimmy: 29 days. Can you believe it?

Edgar: How stupid are you?
Jimmy: Who are you talking to?

Jimmy: I am incredibly supportive.
Edgar: You guys are supposed to be creating a life together. The only way that works is if you take active interest in the parts of each other's lives that don't directly affect you.
Jimmy: Why would I do that?
Edgar: Because otherwise, you'll never really be a couple. You'll just be... two people.
Jimmy: Let's get to work on the script.

Jimmy: ...it is precisely because Gretchen and I lead separate lives that we're such a successful couple. If we were to share every iota of our lives with each other, there would be nothing to talk about... Counter-instinctually, it is separation that draws us closer.

Jimmy: I was talking to you.
Edgar: And I didn't like the way you were talking to me, so I am calmly removing myself from the situation.

Edgar: It's okay, Jimmy. I no longer look up to you, so you have no height from which to fall.

Edgar: I didn't ask for this to happen; it just did. Like when Neo saw the Matrix, I now see you as my equal.

Nock Nock: You told me your dinosaur clients are sad I murdered them.
Gretchen: Wow, I thought Sam and the boys were your heroes.
Nock Nock: Sure, but everybody's heroes got to fall off at some point.

Yvette: Stop looking for who to be. Because guess what... You already are her.
Lindsay: I'm who?

Edgar: You should be with her. She's gonna do something dumb.
Jimmy: Edgar, she told me her problem, I listened and solved it. We had our separate experiences, then came together in the end, just like I said. We don't need to be together to be together.

Jimmy: This is the first time I've seen her walk with purpose. It's quite sexy.

--
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The Pillars of Creation

You're the Worst 5×8

Leonard Gilmartin: Spitzer observed a cloud of supernova shock waves, suggesting the pillars Hubble had just photographed may have actually been destroyed 6,000 years ago... Oh, what better captures both the pathetic insignificance of humanity and our own tragic nobility than to fall in love with the ghost of something we had no chance of ever knowing in the first place.

Vernon: Come on, let's give it one more shot when the moon eats the sun or whatever the frig.

Becca: Did you just call my womb geriatric?!
Vernon: Primitive technique?!

Becca: This time, we'll actually do it. And we'll bake you up a bouncing baby in no time. Come on. There were mistakes made on both sides. On both sides!

Becca: Great job, turd. I was this close to getting our fish back on the line.
Vernon: By offering him your bod?
Becca: You got greedy, and now our golden goose thinks my eggs have expired!

---

Vernon: I could be married to Téa Leoni!
Becca: You were in line with her at Jamba Juice! One time!
Vernon: We shared a moment! She said, "Cool jacket." Who knows where it could have gone.

Vernon: If I don't make it, I need you to do me a favor... It's for Becca and Tallulah. I want them to know I was a good man. Which is why I need you to delete my browser history and all my bookmarks and my Dropbox, maybe burn the laptop.

Leonard Gilmartin: Eclipses never fail to cast their magic spells, do they?

Leonard Gilmartin: Well, there is no waste in the universe. When something comes to an end, be it a galactic age, a star or a weekend away, it is simultaneously the beginning of something else...

Gretchen: Did you know there was an eclipse last night?
Jimmy: No. Who cares?
Gretchen: I don't know. Dipshits like...

Gretchen: Okay, well, great bumping into you. Not.

--
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Zero Eggplants

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This Brief Fermata

You're the Worst 5×6

Gretchen: Ground rules. Safety is mandatory. Otherwise, no limits. Location: anywhere but here and the Cheesecake Factory bathroom. That's ours. 2:01 next Sunday, it ends.
Jimmy: Have you done this before?

Lindsay: ...it's really bad. Like, Vietnam bad. Wait. Was Vietnam bad?

Gretchen: I did it! I got him! Can you imagine how exciting this would be if he were actually good?

Lindsay: Struggling actors are the best. They have so much to prove...

Gretchen: I have this gross feeling. Maybe I'm actually fulfilled by my job. Like, maybe it's not just someplace for me to go to nap under my desk anymore.

Jimmy: I'm abstaining, because I've already participated in Fuck Week. I just did it before the official kickoff.
Edgar: What do you mean?
Jimmy: Well, having received... underwhelming fellatio from a florist, I've contrived this brief fermata in our carnal fealty to allow Gretchen to get even. Without her ever knowing that there was a connubial imbalance in the first place.

Gretchen: You're so cool, Jimmy. I can't wait to marry you.

Gretchen: I'm happy being with just you. And I'm not even lying to myself, which, if I'm not lying to someone else is usually the case...

Gretchen: No. I'm impressed.
Jimmy: You are?!
Gretchen: Makes me feel better to know you're as big of a dishonest, disgusting fucking liar as I am.

--
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A Very Good Boy

You're the Worst 5×5

Gretchen: We got a florist? This wedding's about to be classy as fuck.

Jimmy: Time to head off to write. I mustn't keep the muse waiting.

Gretchen: I always thought the whole point of being a writer was so that you could drink all night in dive bars and challenge other writers to fist fights and die hella early. But not you, Jimmy... You, sir, are a VGB: A very good boy.

Jimmy: What... what gives Edgar the right to weigh in on this?
Gretchen: Jimmy, Edgar has killed people. What is more bad boy than that?

Gretchen: That was the mustard. Not my butt.

Lindsay: We do bone good...
Edgar: That's, like, 90% of a relationship.

Lindsay: Uh, what's the word for a no-sex dinner?
Edgar: A date.
Lindsay: Ew...

Gretchen: I am a total fraud, okay? All I do is lie and manipulate my clients into doing what I want them to do.
Yvette: You just described being a publicist.

Gretchen: The only thing I'm good at is faking it.
Yvette: I get that you need to think that's true, but I have news for you. When you weren't looking, Gretchen, you actually became good. Can you imagine how unstoppable you would be if you actually tried?... Bad mom, huh?

Jimmy: Maybe the true mark of a bad boy is knowing that you can be bad but having the strength to not have to prove it all the time...

--
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What Money?

You're the Worst 5×4

Gretchen: Is that the message you want to give your bride, Jimmy? That you're not willing to do something that is extremely, extremely important to me?

Gretchen: What do you think, Jimmy? Do you hate it? Is it gross? Do you think it's gross, Jimmy? What do you think, Jimmy?
Jimmy: It's like... salty fruit glue.
Gretchen: Exactly!

Gretchen: Whoa. I'm starting to believe my own lies...

Jimmy: Can you imagine? Me? A one-percenter... Cabins in Aspen, golf with corrupt politicians, an embarrassing car collection kept in some Van Nuysian airport hangar...
Paul: Now you're getting it.
Jimmy: I mean, I've always felt elite.

Paul: As someone who believes in complete honesty between romantic partners, I would say hiding something like this is not recommended... As your financial adviser, I would say, "What money?"

---

Becca: Could I take a shower? Lindsay's water got shut off.
Jimmy: Two minutes, but purely for hygiene. No sighing in relief and no steam.

Jimmy: So, I got this huge check. And you know the saying: "mo' money, mo' issues with which to contend..."

Jimmy: ...Besides, a comedian taking your grandmother out to dinner does not sound like a problem. I have a problem. I am incredibly rich!

Gretchen: That must be Lindser. We're finally gonna try champ-pons tonight!
Jimmy: Hmm?
Gretchen: Champagne tampons? It's huge on Reddit.

Lindsay: This job is not that hard, Gretch. It's just asking for things, and I'm a really good asker.
Gretchen: Because you have no shame...
Lindsay: Exactly.

Gretchen: A new car. A forever house. Don't look now, but I think we might be turning into grown-ups...

--
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The One Thing We Don't Talk About

You're the Worst 5×3

Gretchen: And you have to bang on your wedding night. Like how if you break a mirror, your grandmother's ghost sees you masturbate.

Jimmy: Uh, is this a prank? This can't be the price for a single event!
Gretchen: Just put it on a credit card...

Jimmy: Seventy?! How do you remember to pay off 70 credit cards each month?
Gretchen: You don't need to pay off credit cards. When one stops working, you just get another.
Jimmy: Um, how much do you owe, like, in total?
Gretchen: Who cares? It's not real. It's just some numbers on a computer somewhere.
Jimmy: Why have you never told me of your debt before?!
Gretchen: Honey, it's our debt now.

Gretchen: Please, Jimmy. I can take care of myself.... Which way is my job?

Lindsay: Ooh! You're hiring the new Gretch today?
Gretchen: Trying to. These Post-Millennials with their high GPAs and multiple internships, as if being smart and working for years for free means you deserve an actual job.

Gretchen: What is the one thing we don't talk about?!
Lindsay: Politics. Math. That one crow who has it out for you. What happened between you and Matthew Perry. Coachella— Your bitch mom.

Jimmy: I've come to the realization that there is some value in experiencing the same story in a secondary, inferior medium. Like when you roast a delicious hen, then boil the bones to make a soup.

Edgar: That's good. Remember your soup metaphor?
Jimmy: Soup? Soup isn't food. It's just bone water.

--
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The Pin in My Grenade

You're the Worst 5×2

Gretchen: I think I follow too many porn sites...

Jimmy: You see, I didn't try to fix your problem, I just empathized, like you taught me, like a girl.
Gretchen: I appreciate that. I feel very heard.

Lindsay: August 7... think about it: midpoint of summer, clear of any holidays. 9/11 is just around the corner.
Gretchen: Isn't August 7 your birthday?
Lindsay: I know it's Charlize Theron's... Huh! Weird, it's mine, too.

Jimmy: Look, we're getting married, we're just not having a wedding.

Gretchen: I have had my eye on this office for years, so I took advantage of the current cultural climate and enacted some personal reparations on behalf of women everywhere.
Lindsay: You "Me Too-ed" a dude for his office?

Lindsay: A bathroom in an office? It's like Inception for pooping.

Lindsay: I just wanted to tell you marriage is hard. Your wedding day is the one day it's fun. Seriously, it's all downhill after the wedding. That's just gravity. You're gonna go against gravity?

Gretchen: Eloping is fine because the point is being hitched, not getting hitched...

---

Lindsay: Oh, buddy. Oh, sweet, sweet buddy. Oh, sweet, sweet, sweet...
Edgar: What?!
Lindsay: Edgar, Jimmy is smart. And you're, well, Edgar.

Lindsay: The reason you think someone else is the dumb one of the group is because that's what the dumb one's supposed to think to protect them,

Edgar: I'm not the dumb one, you're the dumb one.

Gretchen: Yeah, I got 15 minutes. Let's do this, toilet...

Jimmy: If you truly knew us, you would understand the heterodox iconoclastic nature of a spontaneous elopement perfectly captures the renegade tale of our amorous union.

Gretchen: Omakase?

Jimmy: ..... And then a tasteful fireworks display over the ocean, scored to Mahler's Ich bin der Welt abhanden gekommen, would bring to a close the greatest wedding in the history of matrimony. Resetting the very bar to which all couples aspire. As espoused by Will Smith as Alex "Hitch" Hitchens in Hitch, "Life is not the amount of breaths you take, it's the moments that take your breath away."

Gretchen: How do I look?
Lindsay: Like Mickey Rourke was stung by bees.

Gretchen: I just can't sit down right now. I missed the wedding 'cause I was banging my new toilet... It's a long story. Actually, it's not. I just said the whole thing.

--
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The Intransigence of Love

You're the Worst 5×1

Customer: What's new that's in that's good?
Jake: You are aware... that there are over 100 years of cinema released before this week?
Customer: But I'm interested in new releases.
Jake: Why? Why is something new somehow better? Crystal Pepsi is new, and it sucks.

Ziggy: Why are you so terrible to customers?
Jake: Because film matters. There is no other medium that holds a mirror to the human condition as nakedly as film does, that speaks directly to our pain and sorrow and joy like cinema. Nothing else comes close.

Jake: You know, you're the first person to ever appreciate my section?
Gemma: Seriously? Well, these movies, they aren't perfect, but they're not trying to be. No, they're messy and complicated because life is messy and complicated. They were forged out of passion and madness, and sometimes just a holy desire to make something ugly and uncomfortable and haunting and brilliant and thrilling. And that's beautiful. At least to me.

Gretchen: Why do you think we keep telling wedding planners these hella tight but fake stories about us? Is it because we don't have a love story?
Jimmy: What? We have the best love story because ours is ugly and uncomfortable and haunting and brilliant and thrilling and, yeah, it's messy and complicated, but it's true. And that's beautiful, at least to me.

--
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It's Always Been This Way

You're the Worst 4×13

Vernon: What heaven is this?

Jimmy: Fancy a drive?

Jimmy: Sounds like the Barbara clan have finally Chernobyl'd themselves. I need to witness the fallout in IMAX.

Edgar: I don't mean to be over-dramatic and assume it's me or anything, but...

Max: You triggered me. Telling me about sad things and poor people... Why would you put that on me? I'm having trouble sleeping. I have PTSD from your war stories.
Edgar: I have PTSD from war!!

Jimmy: I guess it wouldn't be the worst thing for my personal growth were I to try to be more available for your stories and whatnot.
Edgar: Uh, at this point, I think that might be too weird.
Jimmy: Okay. Phew.

---

Lindsay: I'm a helper. Like that glove that makes hamburgers.

Olivia: Gretchen, will you help me with my poster for science class?
Gretchen: Sure, kiddo. Go get your crayons. No flesh color, 'cause racism.

Gretchen: It just confirmed what I have always known. At the end of the day, I'm unlovable. Fundamentally. Always have been. And you fell for me? Joke is on you!

Gretchen: Guys, I'm sorry. I choose... I choose... myself.

Gretchen: ...And, besides, you looked so sad when I left, I realize I now have the power to destroy you. And why would I give that up?

Gretchen: So, what are we thinking, October?...

--
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Like People

You're the Worst 4×12

Jimmy: So, I was thinking maybe later we could go for a ride and revisit some of our favorite activities. Get Chinese food, hit the movies. Secret pinball arcade... Maybe some micheladas and "you dropped something" in the park.

Lindsay: So, what are you gonna do?
Gretchen: Oh, who knows what's gonna happen? We'll just have to see what the universe sends my way...
Lindsay: "The universe"? Who are you, Stephen Hawking?

Gretchen: Okay, so, "pedo" means "fart." And "pedo mojado" means "fart with sauce." Now, "Tu madre es una puta" means, uh... Well, it means that your mother works at night.

Gretchen: You love Wheel, don't you, Liv?
Olivia: Always select the "T" first. The most commonly used letters spell out "eat irons." Solve the puzzle as soon as you know it, and spinning for extra thousands isn't worth the risk.
Gretchen: Good girl.

Gretchen: See? Everything's fine. Everyone's healthy. We're just hanging out like people.

---

Max: Life's tough, but it'll be over eventually. How've you been, Jimmy?
Jimmy: Life is a festering wound, my boy. You enjoy your youth. It's all downhill from here.
Max: Oh, no. It gets worse?

Jimmy: Los Angeles is dead. It's a quartz mausoleum of vape shops, YouTube Red billboards and poke restaurants.

Edgar: Everyone goes away eventually...

Jimmy: Listen, Edgar, the only person you can truly rely on is yourself. My best advice would be to accept your new reality and... move on.

Doug Benson: Edgar... I am so ashamed. You get to a certain point in your career where you think you're safe, and then one day, inevitably, you look up and see Mozart in the rearview mirror... and you realize: Holy shit, I'm Salieri!

Doug Benson: So brave of you to show up at my house at 9:00 on a weeknight to yell at me about your job. You're gonna go far in this town with that kind of political savvy.

--
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From the Beginning, I Was Screwed

You're the Worst 4×11

Boone: Speaker phone! Child in the kitchen!

Gretchen: If you guys did a song together, it would be massive. I don't want to just throw out the phrase, "Plays over the Grey's Anatomy credits," but, yeah, that.

Steeb Corniglia: Ooh, I adore Jimmy. Between you and me, it felt like a cacodoxy to be sidetracked by a genre experiment. Concur?

Gretchen: Poland? Nice choice. What, was Kyrgyzstan already taken?
Olivia: Poland is the ninth largest country in Europe. They boast 17 Nobel Prize winners, and their main foods are pierogies, kielbasa and golumpkies.
Gretchen: What? "Blumpkins"? Spoiler alert, this bitch is toast.

Edgar: From the beginning, I was screwed. My mom's uterus was L-shaped. That's why I have equilibrium problems.

Gretchen: Everyone knows that France is the best country. They basically won World War II, and they invented the best type of kissing: tongue kissing. Their president is a Benetton model who bangs his mom-wife.

---

Gretchen: Are you kidding me? I-I'm not even done yet. I have a whole thing with a baguette!

Lindsay: What are we watching? I know a bunch of the sounds they're saying, but I don't understand the sentences.

Edgar: We still have to write our sketch for this week. What if there's a dictator who's a tater, but also a total dick?

Paul: Lindsay... it wasn't my fault. The entire DUI industry is run by a for-profit organization called Mothers Against Drunk Driving. They keep lowering the legal limit so they can raise money to pay their huge executive salaries. That's mothers for you.

Doug Benson: Quick call before I board a flight to Davos. I'm hosting a forum on building investor confidence in post-civil war Moldova.
Edgar: Wait. There's a civil war in Moldova?!
Doug Benson: Not yet, but we're aiming for March.

Doug Benson: Okay, got to run. Deep state never sleeps.

Gretchen: Uh, what he's having, but a triple.
Bartender: He's having a triple.
Gretchen: Right. So make mine... nine.

--
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Dad-Not-Dad

You're the Worst 4×10

Gretchen: I'll meet your ex-wife. I'll meet anyone. I met January Jones once.

Gretchen: This afternoon? Okay, bring it on. Once I get a gallon of tomato juice and beer in me, I am hella charming.
Boone: She's gonna grill you.
Gretchen: Grill away, bitch.

Jimmy: There's a special circle in hell for people who say, "We need to talk," instead of just talking.

Whitney: I thought the pain of divorce would end with the papers, but a breakup is the gift that keeps on giving.
Gretchen: Amen to that.

Whitney: You could tell I had a list? I copied it from a blog. Okay... "True or false: dinosaur bones are a lie sent by the devil." Guess it was a Christian blog?...
Gretchen: Bible's got some horny parts.

Lou Diamond Phillips: One thing I know for sure: lemons won't ever walk out on me.

---

Becca: So this is Mom's fault. Sorry. We got to go pour water on a witch.
Lindsay: Thanks, La Bamba-Dad.

Jimmy: Ta-da! I escaped us.

Gretchen: Oh, no. Why is this?!

Jimmy: Someone's left a try-hardy luxury sedan in my car park.
Actually, that's mine.
Jimmy: But... you're poor.
Edgar: I'm not poor. I'm a writer now.
Jimmy: That doesn't matter. You have poor brain. Do you know how I know? Because I have poor brain. Do you know what I did with the outsized advance for my first book? I bought a house that I couldn't afford. I got an FHA loan, so I only put down 3.5%, but it's an ARM on a balloon structure, which means by the end of next year, I may have to burn it for the insurance, which I do not have. Return the car.

Faye: You two are adults. You're goddamned baked. If your lives are a mess, you figure it out.

Lou Diamond Phillips: You can't solve your problems by blaming the past.
Becca: Then how do we solve them?
Lou Diamond Phillips: You have a kid. Be a good parent. Break the cycle. ...
Lindsay: What about me? I don't have a kid.
Lou Diamond Phillips: You were such a giving child. ... Maybe you're supposed to help other people.

--
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Worldstar!

You're the Worst 4×9

Gretchen: I'm not really a "do something about stuff" kind of person. I'm more of a "it's too late to buy a wedding gift, so I'll just stop being friends with them" kind of person.

Edgar: Dude, are you sure Birds is for kids? That's the second suicide and they haven't even left the island yet!

Jimmy: Well, I have some highly exciting news! The Width of a Peach is a bestseller! It is number seven on Amazon's Erotica list, number five on Amazon's Erotica subcategory Historical Romance list, and number one on Amazon's Erotica subcategory Historical Romance subcategories, World War II, UK and Family Fun.

Jimmy: ....And then, we fell asleep on the phone together. Like lovers.

Becca: Hey! I had her, you watch her. That was the deal.

Faye: Girls, you don't have to compete for my attention. I'm never gonna tell you which one I like better.

Jimmy: Happiness is a finite commodity. You have to steal it from people.

Becca: Sorry, peaches. You can try and blame other people, but, like the actual 9/11, you did it to yourself.

Faye Cottumaccio: Well, Officer, if you're gonna search the place, I suggest you start under my sweater—
Faye: Am I talking?

Gretchen: Have you guys noticed a pattern?
Lindsay: It was the '80s, Gretch. You put some triangles and squiggly lines on a shirt and called it fashion.

Lindsay: The only way our lives are going to get fixed is if we fix them ourselves.

Gretchen: Seriously, what is wrong with me?

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A Bunch of Hornballs

You're the Worst 4×8

Gretchen: I made you a friendship bracelet when I was home.
Lindsay: Aw! "G plus H"?...
Gretchen: The "H" stands for "Hot Lindsay."

Lindsay: It's my divorce license. Ha! I'm divorced! Oh, no. I broke my divorce.
Gretchen: Yay! Paul is dead! Now we can be fun single ladies together!

Gretchen: Don't emoji clap at me.

Jimmy: It's also a Dickensian exploration of the long shadow cast on British progeniture by the Second World War, but thank you.

Gretchen: Remember, the theme is Your Previously Secure Future is Suddenly a Giant, Scary Question Mark. But fun!

Adrienne: I'm just saying, I'm an old married lady, but if I were a hot, single British dude? Whew, boy, you'd have to take my dick home in a body bag.

Paul: Well, you're free, all right. Free from having me to blame for your myriad problems.
Lindsay: Uh...
Paul: "Myriad" means a lot.

Paul: You can no longer blame me for your life, because I'm not in it. You'll only have yourself to blame when you lose your toys down the tub, or when you bite into a chess piece because you think it's white chocolate.

---

Gretchen: Hey. Isn't it time for you to catch a bouquet or put a garter back on or something?

Lindsay: Paul said I blame everybody else for my life. Is everything my fault? Because I don't do life good?
Gretchen: No, of course not.
Lindsay: So it's your fault?
Gretchen: No, sweetie.
Lindsay: Then whose fault is it?
Gretchen: One thing I learned in therapy is that stuff that happens to you when you're a kid can really screw you up as an adult. Like, don't even get me started how my parents let me watch Return to Oz every day. Wheelers, dude.

Adrienne: I fake them. What are they like, Jimmy? I've heard it's like when you have to pee really bad, and then you do. Is that what it's like?
Jimmy: Well, I don't want to rub it in, but they're kind of the only truly transcendent thing in this world.
Adrienne: Please, no!...

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Not a Great Bet

You're the Worst 4×7

Gretchen: Guys, you know this is the best time, right? It is all downhill from here, for real! I mean, you do get hotter and get to do or eat whatever you want... and that's awesome... But things are new right now, and you feel things so hard... and that is beautiful! Grown-up stuff sucks, is what I'm saying.

Gretchen: Remember when something like cinnamon could make you happy?
Heidi: Cinnamon still makes me happy. I have cinnamon toast all the time.
Gretchen: How?
Heidi: I just make it.
Gretchen: You make it?
Heidi: It's just sugar and cinnamon, Gretchen.
Gretchen: Yeah, but how do you know how to buy cinnamon?
Heidi: Are you serious?
Gretchen: Uh, yeah. Who knows that? Cinnamon? Is there a spice store? Does it come in sticks? Do you have to grind it up like a frontiers lady?

Heidi: We weren't friends after eighth grade. You became a shape-shifter... I know you had family shit and you couldn't be yourself around them, but you'd straight-up act like someone different depending on who you were with, then pretty soon there's no real Gretchen.

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There's Always a Back Door

You're the Worst 4×6

Gretchen: I have no way out, but I remember there's a back door.
Lindsay: Mm, there's always a back door.

Gretchen: I don't know. I feel slightly... Ugh! What's the word? It's like bad, but involves other people.
Lindsay: Carsick? Hard fart? Murder?

Gretchen: I know we're both grown-ups, but... I have some residual... murder feelings. Ugh! I feel like it starts with a "G." Gauche. Gout?..
Boone: Guilt?

Jimmy: You see, this can only mean that her levels of anger are accelerating. She went from pure rage to sex revenge in record time. Our inevitable reunion can't be far off.

Paul: Excuse me... I'll have a vodka soda. And no, I'm not trying to rape you.

Lindsay: No. Gretch, some ding-dong wife is one thing, but a kid, that's way too much drama.

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