& Ray: I couldn’t stop thinking about you, you know, about us... Up there together. You’re my best friend. And uh, I... Well, love you. ... Will you marry me?
& Bailbondswoman: I don’t know what kind of a racket you got going, but if you wanna look at really good pussy, you should scroll through the pictures on my husband’s phone.
& Bailbondswoman: We’re taking her shit.
& Tanya: Ray, stop with the Rapunzel crap. You’re gonna get me evicted.
& Jason: This woman is... She’s really important to me.
Lenore: Why do you think you did it, Alf?
Jason: I was stupid.
Lenore: Did you try apologizing?
Jason: I did. She didn’t accept it.
Lenore: Have you tried fucking her?
& Lydia: So I just... I just do stuff for you and you blow me off?.. Everybody, these are my friends! This is Tanya and Ray, the best pimp and ho in Detroit.
& Jason: This is not the best timing right now, but I need some time.
Sandee: What?
Jason: Like a... like a break. Or a timeout... Just permanent timeout.
& Tanya: All right, so now what do we do? We’re in the middle of Bumblefuck Michigan and we’ve got no plan.
& Tanya: Ray, how do you know so much about cows?
Ray: I’m a man, Tanya. I know all kinds of shit.
& Jessica: Go back to your exam, but remember you sexually harassed me and then you fired me. I want a severance package and a bonus. Have a good fucking day!
& Sandee: Here, this is for you. It’s... It’s a present.
Lenore: That’s very mature of you. Thank you.
Sandee: Open it.
Lenore: “Bang”? That’s stupid. I don’t get it. What the fuck?!
& Charlie: What the fuck are you doing with my cows?!
& Tanya: She’s not your wife anymore! You big dumb whore! And now you fucked us! You totally... You totally fucked us.
Ray: What are you talking about?
Tanya: You damaged the merchandise.
& Tanya: He’s 20 years younger than you!
Ray: I’ve forgotten more about fucking than that guy will ever learn.
& Ray: Tanya, you’re a pimp, okay? Pimps don’t get invited to weddings. Face the facts.
Tanya: Oh yeah. You know, it... It says “and guest.” I mean... I could be your guest.
& Tanya: I don’t care. I mean I hate weddings anyway. They’re fucking misogynistic* antiquated bullshit.
& Woman # 1: So you’re the other guy?
Ray: No. I’m the first guy.
& Woman #3: I don’t know, I thought Jake was so cute.
Ray: Babies are cute... Puppies are cute... I’m not cute.
& Tanya: You took Ray’s money?!
Charlie: You know, we do the best we can, Tanya. And then we die. That is all we can do.
& Ray: If this is you at a wedding, I’d hate to see you at a divorce.
& Ray: This lovely lady is my date... and this lady is my plus one.
& Jessica: How long has it been going on?
Tanya: What?
Jessica: The selling... of my ex-husband.
& Ray: To... Saying and doing the right things. And... to listening to what’s being said even when it’s not spoken. To being brave enough to be who you are. To being honest, telling the truth.
& Jessica: Are you good at your job?
Ray: ... Yeah.
& Logan: Mr. Drecker, you said it was urgent. I’m... I’m a bridesmaid. I’m getting measured.
Ray: It’s important.
Logan: How is it so important?
Ray: You look like a smurf.
& Logan: I am being a bad bad bridesmaid. Oh, you have to stop. Do not stop. But you have to.
& Tanya: Here’s my number and here’s... two Hamiltons, okay? And here’s a Washington... to sweeten the deal.
& Ray: Get it straight: we’re not working together anymore. Ever, okay? So get some new friends... and get lost. Go on.
Lenore: Um, actually, Ray, I have lots of new friends. In fact one of them’s here right now. Jessica! Hi, I’m so glad you made it.
& Lenore: Well, T-Brain, this is war and Jessica’s my H-bomb.
& Lenore: Until you give me what I want, Tanya, I’m going to keep coming back to your little lectures... with Jessica... like it’s my fucking job. And I’m going to be your own personal tapeworm living up your ass, and you won’t be able to shake me until you self-destruct and die.
& Matt: I have six female employees here, okay? They’re gonna gang up against me. Women have a mob mentality.
& Sandee: Screw his wife.
Jason: Do what?!
Sandee: Jason, did you see how scared he was? If you screw his wife, it would be like a psychological nuclear kamikaze knockout.
& Jessica: Oh, when Ir... Iri... how do you pronounce it?
Tanya: Irigaray.
Jessica: Irigaray. When she says... “In the form of ambivalences that have to be hierarchized in twinned pairs...”
Tanya: Mm-hmm.
Jessica: I’m sorry, what is she talking about?
& Ray: Sometimes you should do the right thing... face the facts and accept them. Sometimes life isn’t what you want it to be. You just gotta shot her and take it... Sometimes you’ve just got to fuck things up royally and not even care... Sometimes that’s all you’ve got.
Arctic Monkeys — Brick By Brick
♪ I want to build you up, brick by brick ♪
♪ I want to break you down, brick by brick ♪
♪ I’m gonna reconstruct, brick by brick ♪
♪ I wanna feel your love ♪
♪ brick by brick... ♪
What’s Going on Downstairs? or Don’t Eat Prince Eric!
& Tanya: Ray, 25 times I’ve called you. Did you think it was urgent?
& Tanya: Did you have sex with Kyla? I’m guessing you didn’t, but, uh, you didn’t, right?
Ray: Why are you asking me?!
Tanya: I... Would you listen? I... I have... I have reason to believe that Kyla is a man.
& Ray: I am sure this lady is a woman. Okay? All right?
Tanya: Okay, Ray, if... if you say so.
& Tanya: We’re operating close to the line here.
Sandee: Close to what line?
Tanya: The illegal line, Sandee! Do you understand what I’m saying to you?
Sandee: Don’t invite too many randoms to fuck the hos.
& Ray: I am not...
Tanya: No, don’t.
Ray: I am not fucking a guy, Tanya.
Tanya: No, you don’t have to fuck anyone, Ray. You’ll get 1,000 bucks just to be an escort.
& Ray: I don’t need this job, Tanya. There’s a room full of real women out there and they’ve got real vaginas!
& Tanya: Welcome. All right, today’s subject is choice. Because choice leads to freedom. And freedom around here equals Orgasmic Living.
& Jason: So now we just hang out back here?.. For how long?
Ray: Till she calls for the Samson file.
Jason: Who’s Samson?
Ray: Nobody’s Samson. It’s a fake file.
& Sandee: Okay, ... Jason is fucking these women anyway. So we... we film it. And then we post it on the Internet.
Tanya: We can’t film the clients and post it on the Internet without their permission!
Sandee: We can blur their faces. I already have the domain name and everything. It’s “myfianceisawhore.com.”
Tanya: Do you have a bathroom that I could use?
& Ray: So, uh, when did that start for you?
Kyla: Being a woman?
Ray: Mm-hmm.
Kyla: When did you start being a man?
& Sandee: Please don’t eat Prince Eric!
Air Supply — I’m all out of love
♪ I’m all out of love, I’m so lost without you ♪
♪ I know you were right, believing for so long ♪
♪ I’m all out of love, what am I without you? ♪
& Ray: When you’re young, you get all worked up about what people think of you. But that’s the good thing about getting older. You realize, “fuck that” it’s what you think of yourself.
& Stewardess: Honey, don’t worry about anything. Those seat belts are not gonna help you. Nothing out there can help you. If we go down, we go down. So you might as well fuck me! Okay, concentrate and then fuck me.
& Sandee: We’d like to try something new, maybe work for you guys.
Tanya: You want me to pimp your fiance?
Sandee: Yes.
& Charlie: Will he do dudes?
Sandee: What?
Charlie: Your fiance... Will he fuck men?
Sandee: Yes, I think that can be arranged.
& Ray: Okay, so nothing strange, no break-ins?
Yael: I think 69-ing on the dock is strange, Ray, but what do I know?
& Yael: Maybe it was the lady with the crazy hair who’s always yelling... Maybe it was the cop who arrested you in front of my house last week... Maybe it was the redhead who liked to walk around in the nude... Miss Fire-Crotch, right?
& Ray: Is Lenore here?
Chinese Woman: Foot massage?
Ray: No-no, we need Lenore Bernard.
Chinese Woman: Don’t do that here! Just massage.
& Tanya: We’d bring Jason on as an additional consultant and then take a percentage. Kind of like a merger.
& Lenore: Ray, you’re an asshole. I am dealing here with people with real problems, okay? All you have is a big dick and a missing shoebox. And right now I don’t care about either.
& Charlie: You’re holding her back, Ray.
Ray: I’m what?
Charlie: You’re a stubborn middle-age ho who don’t do dudes.
Ray: Come on.
Charlie: You wanna listen up and just let the truth permeate? Because this ain’t about you. It’s about dollars and cents. You got to open yourself to the economics of the situation.
Lee Fields & Sugarman & Co. — Stand Up
♪ Stand up... let’s get it right. ♪
♪ Stand up... let’s keep it tight. ♪
♪ Stand up... let’s get it together. ♪
♪ Stand up... let’s make it other side. ♪
& Charlie: Your dick got an expiration date, Ray. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but sometime. And the smart move would be to think ahead, maybe see this Jason kid as your 401k.
& Ray: You know you’re living with a pimp, right?
Tanya: Yeah, I know.
& Lenore: Kyla, this new girl who’s on a date with Ray, she wanted me to tell him... but I’ve just been so busy... I meant to, but I didn’t even know if it’d be a problem for him.
Tanya: All right, what is it?!
Lenore: The woman Ray’s on a date with is a man. She’s a man.
& Lydia: I’m there thinking I’m gonna have sex with your penis and get another penis instead?!
& Ray: She won’t talk to me. She’s talking about a different penis. Last time I checked, I only got the one.
& Darby: Mom! Your boss is here... again.
& Tanya: I have no idea what to do.
Charlie: I will tell you what not to do: Do not chase after a damn cop who just arrested your ho. Cut him loose, T.
& Ray: He looks like an okay guy.
Lydia: Yeah? He’s not okay. We’re married three years... tomorrow.
Ray: You’re married? You’re married. That’s great.
Lydia: What’s so great about it?! He’s an angry, self-centered prick who likes to fuck 20-year-old prostitutes. You want to meet him?
Ray: You mean, for dinner?
& Jason: Ow! Stop it!
Lenore: Oh, did that hurt? I’m sorry. You know what really hurts? Taking something fragile and breaking it, like someone’s trust or... this beautiful television.
& Ray: Come on, guys. Come on. We’re on the same team here. We can’t turn against each other. We’re family. We’ve got to stick together. We’re Dreckers.
Damon: Not mom. She’s a Haxon.
Ray: Damon, cut it out. You love your mom. We love your mother.
& Damon: Where were his shoes?
Beth Thornley — Wash U Clean
♪ U run it rich ♪
♪ that carburetor ♪
♪ u gotta open ♪
♪ open that choke ♪
♪ ’cause when you’re here ♪
♪ the air, it won’t clear ♪
♪ ’cause you’re just blowin’, just blowin’ smoke... ♪
& Tanya: I think I might know who the other penis is.
Ray: What?
Tanya: The other penis... It was Jason.
& Ray: Lydia, listen, don’t do this! Lydia, I was a husband!! Some secrets aren’t meant to be shared, Lydia!!!
& Tanya: I’m just a woman, Lydia, just a woman. We are all just women... except for men, who aren’t women at all. But we are women, Lydia. We are women.
& Ray: You wanna fuck?.. It’s the least I can do. No cops and robbers. No money. Just you and me.
& Ray: Hey, no one said orgasmic living was easy. People aren’t easy. They fall in love, get married... Drive each other nuts. We’ve all been there... Most of us just don’t have a badge and a gun.
& Logan: You’re welcome to join... if you want.
Ray: Well, what do you want?
Logan: I want an apartment in Paris. I want new parents. I wanna go back inside and get another drink. Why, Mr. Drecker? What do you want?
& Tanya: It doesn’t make sense. Why would a cop dress up as a cop?
Charlie: It makes more sense than some of these motherfuckers... wanna wear diapers and get fed baby food.
& Charlie: Man, why do you ask me this shit? I mean, you come to me for advice like I’m some kind of magical Yoda Negro, but you don’t listen.
Tanya: I listen... to the essence of your advice.
& Jessica: I wanna do a good job.
Matt: You are. Look, and you’re running yourself ragged doing it. You’re sick... physically, not mentally. Nothing wrong with you mentally.
& Ray: Where are you going?
Logan: I’m gonna take a shower, maybe go back to bed.
Ray: What are you doing, uh, later today?
Logan: I’m gonna take a shower... and maybe go back to bed.
& Lenore: Jason, your going rate is $200.
Jason: How much did they pay you to fuck me?
Lenore: How much does your boss pay you to bus tables? Hmm?.. Yeah.
& Lenore: Pick a TV, Jason. Thank me later.
& Tanya: Lydia... Lydia, let’s be civil.
Lydia: Fuck civil. You know that thing that I wanted to do? Well, I wanna do it tonight.
& Tanya: She’s a scary woman, Ray. I don’t wanna go to jail. Ray, where are you?
& Ray: Hey.
Jessica: I was in the area...
Ray: Well, yeah, it’s... it’s a good area to be in.
& Ray: What are you doing?!
Lydia: Ray Drecker, you’re under arrest.
Ray: Arrest?! For what?!!
Lydia: Prostitution, motherfucker!
The Vaccines - Wolf Pack
♪ You’ve seen the world, what did it look like? ♪
♪ you took a plane, I’ll take a push bike ♪
♪ run with the wolves, calling all the wolf pack ♪
♪ when did you go and when did you get back? ♪
♪ I don’t even know you ♪
♪ you’re just someone new ♪
♪ I don’t want to talk to ♪
♪ you’re wild ♪
♪ I don’t find you crazy at all ♪
♪ you’re on the rocks ♪
♪ would you like to get some? ♪
& Ray: How are you?
Logan: I was like, no way. That can’t be him! You look like a secret agent in that suit.
Ray: Well, don’t blow my cover.
Logan: Come on, Mr. Drecker. I’m buying you a drink.
Ray: What did you just call me?!!
Logan: Mr. Drecker. Mr. Drecker, it’s Logan. Logan Lewis. I was in your history class. World history. You gave me a “D,” you jerk.
& Ray: I blew my cover, Tanya. I knew this girl from school!
Tanya: Wait, you had sex with a student?!
Ray: No, no, with a former student.
Tanya: You had sex with a former student?!!
& Tanya: You just... you need a safe word.
Ray: A what? A what?
Tanya: A safe word. It’s something you say when a situation gets out of hand. Like “Bubble Boy” or “Chechnya” or something.
& Ray: Lydia... It was a little rapey if you ask me. Some women like to dress up as nurses, schoolgirls. What kind of woman likes to dress up like a cop?..
& Lydia: Well, you have a choice. You can go to jail or... you can fuck me.
Ray: Well... I guess I’ll go to jail.
Lydia: ............ Bad idea. Now you have to go to jail and fuck me. Hands behind your back, scumbag!
& Ray: Don’t throw stones, Tanya. It’s okay for you to fuck some kid in a bathroom, but I go out on a date with some younger girl that makes me suddenly a dirty old man? You’re sexist.
& Ray: I, uh... I do a... ahem... an outreach program. It’s for this wellness center. It’s kind of like a support group. I get... you know, I raise money for it and get paid sometimes to do counseling. Stuff like that. Anyway, the other night I thought that you were a patient... a client... a patient.
& Ray: “Logan, no matter who”... Jeez, I can’t even read my handwriting.
Logan: “Logan, no matter who underestimates you, never underestimate yourself. Coach D.”
& Logan: Are you a prostitute, Mr. Drecker?
& Ray: Logan, I am your teacher!
Logan: And I want to fuck you.
& Lenore: Oh, sweetheart, you have entered a forest of lies and you forgot your fucking compass.
& Lenore: What I want is to sell Jason... to other women... for a profit. Do you understand what that means? It’s a terrific business opportunity for him. Will you make it happen or will you stand in his way?
Sandee: If I give you something I love... what do I get in return?
Lenore: What do you want?
Sandee: I want a hi-def flat-screen TV... and Blu-Ray.
& Jessica: Guys, why don’t you go play your dad that song?
Ray: Song? What song?
Damon: One, two, eff-you.
♪ Congrats on your job ♪
♪ don’t eff it up, don’t eff it up ♪
♪ Ronnie’s gone ♪
♪ don’t eff it up, don’t eff it up... ♪
& Jessica: I don’t need the money. I got a job.
Ray: You got a job?
Jessica: Yeah, with the doctor who treated my mom. You met him at the hospital.
Ray: D-d-d-doctor?
& Tanya: Oh God. That’s Lydia! She’s really a cop. She’s a real cop.
& Logan: Give me a little credit.
Ray: Well, I did give you that “D”.
Logan: ... I want an “A”.
Ray: How about a “C”?
Logan: I want an “A”.
Ray: ..... How about a “B”?
Logan: I want a fucking “A”, Mr. Drecker! And I want it now.
Ray: You got 600 bucks?
& Logan: Oh my God, Mr. Drecker. I knew it!
Dionne Bromfield — Move a little faster
♪ Yeah yeah... ♪
♪ You got to move a little faster ♪
♪ yeah, you’re too slow, boy, if you want to keep up ♪
♪ you got to move a little faster, yeah ♪
♪ your mind is always racing ♪
♪ so work it out, baby ♪
♪ got no time for faking ♪
♪ you got to step up ♪
♪ if you’re gonna do it right ♪
♪ you’re too slow, boy ♪
♪ if you want to keep up ♪
♪ you got to move ♪
♪ a little faster ♪
& Tanya: Ray, women like to be fought over. I mean sometimes they’ll have sex with the guy that seems to want them the most. It’s a biological imperative.
Ray: Thank you, Darwin.
& Tanya: You don’t listen to me. You have to listen to me.
Ray: Since when?
Tanya: Ray, every ship has a captain. And I’m the pimp.
& Ray: Cut the crap, Tanya. I have a problem with you saying that you’re the captain, okay, when we’re ... partners.
Tanya: Well, we’re partners but, Ray, but... I mean, I call the shots.
& Ray: Oh, no, no cuffs. No! No cuffs. Suddenly every woman in my life wanted to be on top.
& Jessica: You know what? Ray is not the cake. We are not together. And last I checked, you were the one getting jerked off in the back of a car, not me.
Ronnie: I... didn’t... come.
Jessica: Fuck you. Fuck your fucking check.
& Jason: Saturdays are no good.
Lenore: What are you talking about? Every Saturday?
Jason: Yeah, kind of. And every other Wednesday is our alone time.
Lenore: Who, you and your dick?
Jason: No, me and Sandee.
Lenore: Who the fuck is Sandee?
Jason: My fiancée... Oh, I’m kind of engaged. { And who’s the Sandee? Oh, yeah! Analeigh Tipton known from a Crazy, Stupid, Love. }
& Tanya: I have a plan. I have a plan. It’s the broken window theory. If you have a house and there’s a broken window and you don’t fix it right away then you get a lot more broken windows. And you also get, like, graffiti all over your house.
Ray: That’s your plan?
& Sandee: And what would you like your cake to say?
Lenore: “I... fucked... your... boyfriend.”
Sandee: ... That’s what you want the cake to say?
Lenore: Yes.
Sandee: I think that the company might have some sort of policy against using swear words.
Lenore: Oh. “Screwed” is fine.
Sandee: Yeah?
Lenore: Yeah.
Sandee: And is this for pickup or delivery?
Lenore: Delivery. What’s your address?
Sandee: I li— excuse me?
Lenore: Where do you live?
Sandee: I live at 323 North Deerfield Road, Apartment 5.
Lenore: Great, put 323 North Deerfield Road, Apartment 5.
Sandee: That’s where I live!
Lenore: Yes. The cake’s for you.
& Lotte: It’s not heart attack. It’s chicken wings.
Ray: What kind of pain is it, Lottie?
Lotte: It’s chicken wing type of pain.
& Tanya: I’m Tanya. Does that name mean anything to you?
Jason: Uh, I have a cousin named Tanya.
Tanya: Yeah. Is your cousin a pimp?
& Jason: I’m sorry. How can I make it up to you?
& Ray: You went behind my back when I specifically said I want to deal with the guy and you fucked him?
Tanya: Um...
Ray: That’s you being the captain?
Tanya: Look, what I did is I made a calculated business decision for the two of us.
& Ray: I can’t believe you slept with that guy. He’s like 12.
Tanya: He is not. He’s at least 20-something.
& Tanya: Ladies, sex is not a job. It’s a way of life. My name is Tanya Skagle. Welcome to Orgasmic Living.
& Tanya: Berbig— Ber— Berbigs? Berbiglia? Ber— uh— I can’t— I can’t read this, Cammy. No more cursive, all right? God, it’s not even English!
& Tanya: It’s not all about your dick, Ray.
Ray: Okay, so it’s not all about my dick.
Tanya: All right, what is what’s this place about, Ray? What do you think? What’s Starbucks about?.. I mean, nobody needs coffee so bad that they’re willing to pay $5 a cup for some caramel macchiato.
& Tanya: Happiness consultants. It’s a wellness center for women, coming to a storefront near you... Thanks to Judy Pearson and the Certified National Bank.
& Ray: We’ve got something special to offer Detroit and we’d like to focus on that...
Tanya: It’s very special.
Ray: ...Full-time.
Judy: But what is your product? Can you tell me that? Can you give me an example, please, of what it is that you are selling?
Tanya: .............. Hand creams... Organic hand creams.
& Tanya: About the hand cream... I know nothing about hand cream. I don’t know why I said it. What I should have said is that... women don’t orgasm enough. ... The thing is we can orgasm more, both in the bedroom and in life in general. Sex can be better, Judy. Our lives can be better— you, me, the fucking country. In fear is where our orgasm lies...
& Ray: The whole thing was nuts, from beginning to end. But banks and women, well, they work in mysterious ways.
& Ray: The vulva?! Of all the parts of the human body to pick, why the vulva?!
Tanya: It’s a vulva!
Ray: You think that’s gonna get us a loan?
& Ray: It’s the word, vulva... not sexy.
& Ray: It was starting to look like the greatest date of my professional career.......
Judy: Thanks, Ray. We’re good.
& Tanya: The cunt as temple, tomb, cave or flower. I’d like to announce that the wellness center... we also offer private consultations... very private, with a therapist. It’s a female therapist, or a... or a male... it’s a male therapist. He’s very male. And very private.
& Tanya: That’s... Richard.
& Jessica: And all this is... is from substitute teaching?
Ray: Yeah. Mostly. And you know, some odd jobs here and there.
Jessica: Odd jobs... Wow, what kind of odd jobs? I mean I send my resume out 50 times a day, nobody ever calls me back.
& Lenore: Oh, I think I torqued my neck.
Jason: Oh, I think that was the chair. Your ass is just too delicious.
& Lenore: What’s your name?
Jason: Jason.
Lenore: Jason... I’m glad I found you, Jason. I’ve been looking for you for a long time. Like they do in Tibet for the Dalai Lama.
& Lenore: You only have to kill one person to be a killer, baby.
& Tanya: Hey hey hey, let’s go to Windsor. Let’s cruise this puppy all the way to Canada.
Ray: How about around the block?
1,2,3 — Work
♪ I work, I work ♪
♪ I work, I work for you ♪
♪ for you, for you ♪
♪ for you I work ♪
♪ I work, I work ♪
♪ if you work too ♪
♪ for you, for you, for you ♪
♪ gold card, platinum card ♪
♪ plastic card too ♪
♪ I don’t really give a damn about you ♪
♪ I keep all my earnings in a box marked shoes ♪
♪ I’d try to run heaven all to give you proof ♪
& Damon: I came here to ask you something... Can you, like, make me a better poet? You know, like, be my mentor?
Tanya: Why do you want me to be your mentor?
Damon: Because you’re kind of awesome.
& Ray: Look, I— I need to... take a break.
Lenore: A break from what?
Ray: From this business.
Lenore: Why, did your dick break?
& Jessica: Mindy gave you a hand job?
Ronnie: That’s not the point. The point is you went to see another dermatologist... Mindy touched me... they cancel each other out. We’re even-steven, right?
Jessica: No.
& Damon: We’re like orphans.
Ray: You’re not orphans, guys. Orphans don’t have parents. You have two great parents.
Darby: Then we’re homeless.
Damon: Homeless orphans. This sucks.
& Tanya: Come on, Ray, we’ve made women happy, right? With Happiness Consultants... Until we forgot the happiness part.
& Lenore: Ray, if you back an animal into a corner, it has no choice but to fight. And I will fight.
& Lenore: Tanya is toast. She is a dead poet walking. You can’t save her.
& Lenore: You get me my cut by tomorrow, and I will forget everything. You don’t get me my cut, and I will...
Ray: You will what, Lenore?
Lenore: I will do things I will later regret.
& Tanya: Are those your kids?
Charlie: So she says.
& Jessica: You sure you don’t wanna come to Ronnie’s thing tonight?
Darby: He’s winning an award for selling a lot of Botox. I mean, he makes money off women feeling bad about themselves.
& Tanya: What’s so great about being a good person?!
& Darby: I don’t want you to write any more poems about me.
Damon: It wasn’t about you. It was about foetuses*. Foetuses in general. And gum*.
& Patty: T-Brain, T-Brain, T-Brain.
Tanya: Don’t call me T-Brain. Don’t call me T-Brain! I’m a motherfucking pimp!
& Patty: You can keep the snow globe. I wasn’t going to report you.
Tanya: I don’t want the globe! You can hit me. Hit me! Hit me with the belt!
& Tanya: All right, Frances, I think Mike was confused. So why don’t..? You know what? Just write me a cheque.
Frances: I’m a person, not an ATM machine!
& Tanya: Ours is a mutually beneficial arrangement. It’s... We’re like... It’s like those birds... that live on a hippo and eat bugs.
& Tanya: Hi, Charlie. I need to talk to you. It’s important. {...} I’m not feeling in a very pimp state of mind right now.
& Ray: I think you look great. A little pregnant. But beautiful.
& Ray: You know, when you hurt yourself, you’re supposed to RICE.
Tanya: Rice?
Ray: Yeah, Rest, Ice, Compression, Elevation. You wanna RICE me?
& Ray: We wanted to win. Nobody said it. “It’s all for the team. It’s all in good fun,” blah, blah, blah. Bullshit. We wanted to win. We wanted our lives to be ahead of us.
& Lenore: Don’t fuck it up, Ray. Okay? We need to get you a steady client that you fuck, but don’t fuck up.
& Lenore: Oh my God, Ray, what the fuck is this shit?
Ray: It’s coffee.
Lenore: Is this instant?
Ray: Yeah, it wakes me up in the morning. It’s, you know, strong and cheap.
& Tanya: Charlie, Mike doesn’t even know that he’s a prostitute!
Charlie: Ho always know it’s a ho.
& Tanya: I don’t know. I just... I don’t think I’m that kind of a person.
Charlie: And what are you, huh? Are you some kind of new moral pimp?
Tanya: I’m not moral! I’m just saying that I have feelings. I’m a pimp who feels.
& Tanya: It’s just I can’t relax. It’s just... it’s hot in here. You wanna play pool?
Charlie: I think you should fuck me.
Tanya: I... What?!
Charlie: I’m just saying if you need to relax, then you can fuck me because I know how to calm them nerves. Yes, I do.
& Lotte: So Ronnie kill beaver, now you okay to make baby?
& Lotte: Old people go to garage, get pneumonia and die! House have four bedrooms: You, me, Damon, Darby. When baby comes, where will baby go?.. To grandma room. And grandma go to garage.
& Ray: What do you do?
Mike: I don’t know. It just is, you know? It’s nice and... simple.
Ray: Simple, ah. But what do you do?
Mike: I don’t know. Whatever she wants. I hold the door open for her, I pull the chair out for her. Candy and flowers, Ray. I’m an old-fashioned guy.
& Samara: You like Middle Eastern food?
Ray: Oh yeah. You know, my neighbor brings it over all the time. It’s good hummus.
Samara: Yeah? Where is your neighbor from?
Ray: Um... Uh, Israel, I think.
Samara: You think?
Ray: Yeah, I’m pretty sure. She’s from somewhere over there.
Samara: You do know Israel’s not really the middle East, right?
& Samara: Richard?
Ray: Yeah?
Samara: About the hummus... Hummus isn’t from Israel. I mean, yes, Israelis do have hummus, but they took it from us.
& Ray: I have no idea where hummus comes from.
Samara: And that is why I’m telling you. Hummus is from Lebanon. Or perhaps Syria or even Palestine.
Ray: Okay.
Samara: But not Israel. That’s my point.
& Dermatologist: You look familiar to me. Do you play squash?
Jessica: Oh no, no squash. I’m completely uncoordinated.
DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince — I Wanna Rock
♪ c-c-c-come on ♪
♪ oh yeah, rock the show... ♪
♪ rock ’n’ roll... ♪
♪ here we go, come on, rock the show. ♪
& Charlie: So you changed your mind...
& Ray: Are you okay?
Yael: No, Ray. I am not okay. My husband fucks prostitutes and pays them on their PayPal account. He is the lowest form of human life!
& Yael: What is this?
Ray: Uh... Oh it’s, uh, hummus.
Yael: This is Arab hummus, Ray! Arabs can’t make hummus for shit. You want hummus, you have me make it for you.
Ray: I thought hummus was from Lebanon...
Yael: What?!
Ray: I mean, you know... H-hummus... it means chickpea in Arabic.
Yael: ... Oh my God, I can’t believe I fucked such an idiot!
& Charlie: You know what I would do with this Frances? Here. I would go up to her rich-ass door. I’d knock very politely. And if your ho answers, I’d crack him on the nose, kick him in the balls, burn his cheekbone with my cigarillo. And if the blue hair answers I’d hit her with my belt... Just a little, nothing serious. But hard enough that she don’t ever pull this kind of shit again.
Tanya: I... can’t hit Frances with a belt.
Charlie: No, I’m saying that’s what I would do. You gotta find what’s right for you.
& A head of a bookreaders club: Okay, ladies, we can take a seat. Well, let’s begin the way we always do. Cormac McCarthy’s “The Road,” what do we think? {...}
Lenore: You want to know what I think?.. I think if there was an apocalypse and that guy and his kid crossed my path and I was hungry, I would hunt them down and I would rip them limb from limb. And I would salute them with some kale in a light white wine sauce. And then I would take the kid’s skull. And I would wear it. So that everybody would think twice before they crossed me. Then I would take the dad’s bones and I would design an accessory line that I would sell from a bombed-out Macy’s. Because that’s what’s going to happen to people who try to take what’s mine. When the apocalypse comes I’ll be fine. What about all of you?
& Ray: She’s my neighbor. She’s married.
Samara: Just a married Israeli who brings over her hummus?..
Ray: Just... a couple of times.
Samara: What else does she bring you?
Ray: Samara, what does it really matter?
Samara: What does it matter?! Do you watch the news?
Ray: What does the news have to do with us?
Samara: You can’t fuck her and fuck me and then play neutral, Richard. That’s not how it works. You can’t pull that shit.
Ray: I... I’m not pulling anything.
Samara: Then choose a side. You fucked me and pretended to like me. Now you’ve got to take a stand. Whose side are you on, Richard? Whose hummus is better?
Ray: Wow, Samara.
Samara: Whose hummus do you like the most? Whose side are you on?
& Koontz: My wife thinks I fuck prostitutes, Ray.
They’re lying, Ray. I know they’re lying, but I don’t care. They make me feel good. I like my wife better than the hookers, Ray, I do. But I like myself when I’m with them.
♪ if you were the only ♪
♪ girl in the world ♪
♪ and I was the only boy ♪
♪ nothing else would matter in the world ♪
♪ today ♪
♪ oh, we’d go on loving ♪
♪ in the same old way ♪
♪ a garden of eden ♪
♪ just made for two ♪
& Ray: Remember me? I am the guy who gets the crazy ones, and the married ones, and the pregnant ones.
& Jessica: Ron, I am not bringing a baby into a house full of beavers!
Ronnie: It’s always something with you, Jess. Today it’s beavers, tomorrow what... locusts?
Lotte: It’s not her fault you have beaver problem!
& Liz: I thought, you know, someone who knows a lot about women, someone who’s a total stranger to me, a white guy like you who’s not gonna know anyone I know... might be good. I mean, you are an expert, right?
Ray: Kinda.
& Tanya: So should I give the money back or what? {...} I mean, yeah. I mean, I can’t keep it. I’d be wracked with guilt.
Charlie: For how long?
Tanya: What do you mean?
Charlie: For how long would you be feeling guilty, huh? For a minute? An hour? A month? A year?
Tanya: I don’t know. I’ve never taken anything before. So how would I know?
Charlie: Number one, you didn’t take the cash. You earned it. And number two, there are worse things than guilt, girl.
& Jessica: What do you think?
Ray: Well... if you saw a beaver then you saw a beaver.
& Ronnie: I’m sorry, what is that thing?
Ray: This is your standard beaver trap. It’ll take care of your beaver problem.
Ronnie: I don’t have a beaver problem!
& Ray: What are you doing here?
Lenore: I have concerns, Ray. You don’t trust me anymore.
Ray: I never trusted you.
& Lenore: You’re really fucking sexy, Ray. That’s why I’m a fan. I believe in you. And I believe in your dick. Don’t ever doubt yourself. It’s kind of chilly out here. Aren’t you gonna ask me in? ... Come on, we need each other. Let me in.
{ She’s a vampire!! }
& Ronnie: Jess... if you say there was a beaver then there’s probably a beaver.
& Mike: The kids don’t give a shit.
Ray: They do. They do.
Mike: They don’t. I read my mid-semester evaluations today. They don’t.
Ray: Man, everybody knows you’re not supposed to look at that stuff.
Mike: One-point-three. I am rated a 1.3 out of 10. One kid wrote, “I hate Mr. Hunt with a passion... that burns like a thousand suns.”
Ray: That’s teaching.
& Ray: What do you always say, huh?
Mike: “I wanna fuck Rhonda Barr”?
Ray: No. The other thing.
& Tanya: I’m so glad we’re doing this. The Red Cross, it’s just a wonderful... It’s a wonderful, wonderful organisation. I’m personally in a Poets in Schools organization. It’s kind of like blood. For the soul.
& Damon: Hi. Ahem. I’m... I’m Damon. I haven’t done this in a while, if you consider never a while.
& Ronnie: Are you?.. Do you think you’re ovulating?
Jessica: Yes, Ronnie.
Ronnie: Perfect. I just wanna make sure.
& Darby: You have to come and get Damon.
Ray: What’s wrong?
Darby: He’s sick or something.
Damon: I don’t wanna be born!
Darby: Stop trying to go through the wall! He’s totally freaking out. You have to come get him out of here.
& Ray: I have an appointment with a woman... a very nice lady, who... Kind of like my sponsor.
Mike: She’s your sponsor?
Ray: Similar to my sponsor. She’s like a friend of my sponsor.
& Tanya: I’m gonna stay here... and I’ve got it all covered. I’m going to take care of Damon because I’m good in a crisis.
Ray: Tanya, you are a crisis.
& Damon: A man, a plan, a canal, Panama.
Ray: What is it?
Tanya: It’s a palindrome.
Ray: This is exactly what I was afraid of.
& Mike: Hey, Ray. Ray. Today is a great day, and I feel wonderful.
& Tanya: If I can’t come up with the clients... you’ll run back to Lenore when she shows up with new ones. You know that.
Ray: That’s what I’m asking. Can you get them without her?
Tanya: Yes, Ray. Yes. Okay? I think of her like Moby-Dick, and I’m Ahab, except successful. You’ve read Moby-Dick, right?
Ray: Mm-hm.
& Ronnie: Want me to scrub you?
Jessica: Thanks, honey. I’m clean.
& Jessica: I am 42 years old, Ron. I’m not having a baby with you.
Ronnie: I went to medical school! I am not a drug addict! I’ve never been incarcerated. I am a good man from a good family... in a good neighbourhood and I’m hungry! I am in my kitchen, searching for my oatmeal!.. that I purchased with the money I made!.. with the job I still have in this crumbling fucking economy!.. because I want breakfast!! I want that fucking oatmeal! I want my cinnamon fucking oatmeal!! This is not what I signed up for! This is not the life of my dreams!!
& Ray: He pissed on home plate, Tanya! Two in the morning.
Tanya: Yeah.
Ray: All alone. He waltzed down to the diamond, unzipped his fly and just let loose.
Tanya: I think I can see what he was going for. {...} You know, the plate of home? A place called home? He was releasing his anger in a nonviolent way.
Ray: He was releasing, all right. I don’t know about anger.
& Tanya: I’m just saying, he might be an artist.
Ray: He didn’t paint, Tanya. He peed.
& Tanya: Okay, that’s it.
Ray: That’s it?
Tanya: That’s it.
Ray: I came all this way just for that?
Tanya: This is Moby-Dick, Ray. Trust me, she’s worth it.
& Ronnie: I’m sorry.
Lotte: You really need oatmeal that bad?
& Christina: I’m Christina. Today’s my birthday.
Ray: Oh, yeah? Happy birthday.
Christina: Thanks. You’re my birthday present... Sing for me, will you?
Ray: What would you like to hear?
Christina: It’s my birthday. Sing “Happy Birthday.” Ha, ha.
& Christina: Sing it again, okay? ... One more time. ... Wait, wait, wait. Start from the top. I love it. ... Again! ... Loud. ... Soft. ... Sing it again!
Ray: Again?
Christina: Slow. ... With an accent. Irish.
Ray: I can’t do an accent.
Christina: No? Softer then. No, loud. I’m sorry, loud.
& Ray: I don’t know about that woman, you know? She’s got red eyes.
Jessica: She doesn’t have red eyes.
Ray: Like a rat.
Jessica: She has red hair.
Ray: All right, same difference.
& Tanya: You can’t fuck me
Because I’m already fucked
& The Asian Poet: And that right there, my friends, is the United States of America. The red, the white and the green, baby. U.S.A.
& Darby: Why are we jogging?
Ray: It’s healthy to sweat.
Darby: Dad, I’m very healthy already. Why do people think I’m not healthy? I’m in great, happy health.
& Darby: You ever wonder what kind of guy Dad would be like in high school?.. Paul Kolsenovic.
Ray: What? Paulie K? I was never a shortstop.
Darby: Dad, he’s a total asshole.
& Darby: Dad, you don’t get it. You think you would’ve been friends with us in school?
Ray: Absolutely. Of course. I always had interesting friends.
Darby: Oh, like who?
Ray: Like... Well.... Like my friend Tanya, for example. We do stuff together all the time.
Darby: Like what?
Ray: Interesting stuff.
& Darby: Dad, look in the mirror. Everybody looks at you and mom and wonders where we came from.
& Patty: I’m the new supervisor.
Tanya: Wow. I didn’t even know there was an opening... It’s great. Anyway, this schedule says I only work four hours next week?
Patty: Oh, yeah, that’s a mistake. It should say zero.
& Tanya: You get a little power and you’re firing me?
Patty: Mm-mm. Not necessarily. You’ve just been downshifted. You could be upshifted if things change.
& Charlie: I missed you a little bit.
Tanya: What?!
Charlie: No need to panic. I mean like a friend, not in the romantic sense of the situation.
& Tanya: The problem is, my ho... My one ho... Actually, he’s not all mine. Actually, the truth is... I have to share him with this woman... who I think has sociopathic tendencies.
Charlie: What do you mean by the word “share”?
& Charlie: Close your eyes. Really, close your eyes. Now imagine this lady. Imagine the colour of her hair.
Tanya: Wait, wait... Okay.
Charlie: Good. Her eyes. Well, everything. You got it?
Tanya: ... Yeah.
Charlie: Now see her dead. See every detail. See the blood coming from her head... bleeding from her fucking ears, stab wounds...
Tanya: I can’t do that. {...} No. I think I need a different idea.
Charlie: You bide* your time like a cobra. And when the moment is right, you strike.
Tanya: How do I know the time is right?
Charlie: Well, you’ll feel it. Mind bullets. Bang, bang, bang, bang!
& Tanya: I think I understand Ray’s frustration, Lenore. Forty percent is too high a commission for you.
Lenore: I think zero percent is too high a commission for you, Tanya.
& Lenore: Gee, I’m feeling chilly.
Tanya: What are you wearing?!
Ray: You two look like twins.
& Tanya: You think you’re the only one who can play hardball? I know how to play hardball. I am not afraid to play hardball.
Lenore: What are you gonna do, T-Brain, write a mean poem about me?
Tanya: Fuck you! Bang, bang, bang, motherfucker!
& Ray: I’m full of surprises, Tanya. I’m an interesting guy, right? I’m a nice guy. I mean, if we went to school together, you wouldn’t... Ahem. You wouldn’t hate me, right?
Tanya: I would try not to, Ray.
& Ray: Why take her dog, Tanya?
Tanya: It’s complicated.
Ray: Then why not just leave it at home?
Tanya: How do you think she got my sweater?
& Ray: What the hell kind of movie is this, Tanya? It’s too peculiar*.
Tanya: There’s a deeper meaning. Just look for it.
Darby: What kind of movie is this?
Ray: It’s.... There’s a deeper meaning. Look and try to find it.
& Patty: Oh, my God, that’s like vibrator-good.
Ray: That’s nice. I’m glad I’m better than a vibrator.
Patty: I didn’t say that you were better... I just said that you were as good.
& Tanya: I’m... I came to return Horny Patty.
Lenore: Thanks, but this is my dog now. Horny Patrick.
& Yael: It’s a Sterns & Foster! It has a memory foam. The bed remembers the shape of your...
Ray: Shh, shh! I never asked you to buy me a bed.
Yael: I know, that’s why it’s called a gift.
& Ray: This is crazy. I can’t accept this. ... I don’t feel comfortable with it.
Yael: You can fuck me, but you can’t take a mattress? Don’t be stupid, Ray.
& Tanya: I will be on you like white on rice. I demand my place at the table.
Lenore: Okay, fine, fine. Take off your blazer.
Tanya: What?
Lenore: The blazer! ... Okay, put the blazer back on.
& Tanya: ... Or you could take a very special journey right here in Detroit, very discreet.
Lenore: What my intern is trying to say...
Tanya: Why take an expensive trip when we can offer you pleasure right here in Detroit? Pure sexual pleasure, guilt free.
& Lenore: Pure sexual pleasure? This isn’t horny Patty. You can’t just pull out a picture of a big dick and swipe her credit card. This is a wealthy woman. We are selling a lifestyle. Tucson is the gateway to dick. Have some fucking class.
Tanya: I have class. I... I-I-I... I’m extremely fucking classy.
& Claire: I like working on the nursery and getting screwed every day. If Peter comes home, I’ll just be working on the nursery.
& Lotte: You want husband, open your legs; You want divorce, open your mouth.
& Jessica: It’s just bowling. I can be married to Ronnie and be friends with Ray.
Lotte: No, friends with first husband, Goodbye second husband.
& Yael: You’re such a stubborn. How long are you going to leave my gift outside, huh?
Ray: It’s not a gift if I refuse to take it.
Gin Wigmore — Oh my
♪ Oh my God ♪
♪ I’m beaten in the game of love ♪
♪ and I fall down, I fall down on my knees, I fall ♪
♪ and oh my God, I’m beaten in the game of love... ♪
& Ronnie: I haven’t done this since high school.
Jessica: It’s okay, it’s okay. Just look at the arrows, not the pins.
& Lotte: My turn. Time to pay the reaper.
& Claire: “Use screw ’a’ to attach leg ’a’ to shaft ’b.’” Sounds kinda dirty... What, I’m the only one who thought it? Shaft? What does that make you think of?
Ray: Me? Cribs*.
& Tanya: Wow, you still have your Christmas tree up? In April? Well, that’s amazing. What a great idea. Every morning you wake up, it’s Christmas.
Frances: My husband died on Christmas Eve. I don’t feel like throwing it out.
& Lenore: Something tells me you’re not going to enjoy that sweater, T-Brain. It’s bad karma and the color’s all wrong for your complexion.
Samantha Crain — Lions
♪ bring all ♪
♪ paralyzed things to my side ♪
♪ underneath, underneath the trip ♪
♪ let me see, after all the rain is gone... ♪
& Fats speaker: I feel beautiful and I am beautiful. I don’t want to diet. I don’t need to diet. Because a diet is a cure that doesn’t work for a disease that... doesn’t exist! I love my big butt. I love my big ass. I love my big butt!
& Claire: A thousand bucks... Last time.
Ray: ...... Make it 1200.
& Lenore: Although we sell dick and not cars, we can learn a lot from Diego Rivera. Notice the workers. Clearly their jobs are depressing. They work too many hours for too little pay and they have to wear very unattractive overalls...
& Tanya: What about these clenched hands?
Lenore: To me that represents fisting, Ray. It tells me it’s time for you to change up your repertoire, which brings us to
Claire. What went wrong?
Ray: Nothing. She... Look, the woman is very pregnant, okay?
& Lenore: It’s time for you to prove to me that you are up for this job. We don’t want Claire to have an okay time. We want her on your hook. It’s called stripper theory.
& Lenore: Using Ray’s penis as a metaphor, you gotta give her the whole dick. Not half a dick or a quarter dick, or just the tip.
& Tanya: “Stripper theory”? Who does she think she is, a professor? PhD of bullshit?
& Ray: Here’s your cut.
Tanya: My cut? Wait, Lenore gave you yours? Why didn’t she give me mine?
Ray: Because she wanted... Your cut to come out of my cut and I figure why rock the boat?
Tanya: Are you kidding me? Don’t you see the symbolic significance? It’s like saying I’m a charity case. You should get 60%, Lenore should get 20 and I should get 20.
Ray: Okay, but for now, Lenore gets 40 and you get 20 of my 60.
& Tanya: I just... I want... I... I... I... I just wanted to ask you some questions about your work. I’m just interested in your job, but no judgment. I have no interest in judgment.
& Charlie: You looking for work or you looking for play?
Tanya: Neither. I just wanted to ask some questions about the psychology of prostitution.
& Jessica: Maybe I could be of help to you, you know, with Hammer. There are things women could do. Like we could go shopping, maybe soften your look a little. Just think of me as an untapped resource.
Darby: Thanks, mom. The problem is... if I listen to you then I might end up with your life.
Jessica: I like my life.
Darby: I don’t. It’s a life lived through men. You don’t really have an existence without them.
& Tanya: I’m a pimp. I mean, not exactly. Not exactly the kind of pimp you are, but I am a pimp nonetheless.
& Charlie: You need to get your ho on a tighter leash. And the way that you do that is you make him want the leash.
Tanya: Want the leash?..
Charlie: Uh-huh. You gotta be there when nobody else is there. You got to know him like nobody knows him. Find out what his problem is and fix it for him. That’s it.
& Yael Koontz: Ray, I’m too old for this.
Ray: Yeah, we should probably stop.
Yael: Stop what? You mean sex? There’s nothing wrong with good healthy sex. It makes for a fun vibe in the neighborhood.
Ray: What are you talking about then?
Yael: I’m not in the army anymore. I’m too old to have sex on the floor.
Ray: You were in the army?
Yael: Yeah-ha. The Israeli army. You’ve heard of it?
& Ray: You want me to pretend I’m fucking my ex-wife?
Tanya: Yeah.
Ray: You’re my pimp and that’s your pimp advice?
Tanya: Yeah. That’s my pimp advice. And right now it’s for free.
& Tanya: ... So, Lenore, to put it another way, I am not a meaningless piece of the pie. I am the pie.
The National — Fake Empire
♪ Turn the light out, say good night ♪
♪ no thinking for a little while ♪
♪ let’s not try to figure out ♪
♪ everything at once ♪
♪ it’s hard to keep track of you ♪
♪ falling through the sky ♪
♪ we’re half awake ♪
♪ in a fake empire... ♪
& Jessica: Ray? You brought me here to talk about the kids. You’re not saying anything. I’m yakking away and you’re just saying yeah and sure.
Ray: Because I’m listening.
& Jessica: You wanted to have this meeting to listen to me talk?
Ray: That’s right.
Jessica: About what?
Ray: About whatever.
& Ray: Do you want to bowl? Let’s bowl.
Jessica: Now?! I can’t. I can’t bowl with you anymore. I’m married.