Spring Break

South Park 26×6

Mr. Garrison: Oh, no thanks. I don't rally anymore. ... I don't need to rally. I'm just here to relax. Take care.

Randy Marsh: What in the actual [BLEEP] are you guys doing?
Stan Marsh: We're playing "40k."
Randy Marsh: You guys have wasted another day of spring break with this stupid shit.

Randy Marsh: Do you guys know what spring break is about? Wet t-shirt contests, mud wrestling. Don't you wanna get some bitches over here?
Stan Marsh: I thought you were happy 'cause the bitches were gone?
Randy Marsh: I'm happy the bitches are gone so we can have bitches over! Spring break is dude time.

Randy Marsh: You know what, today's society has ruined it all. They've taught you boys to be ashamed of being boys. Convinced you that your natural innate male desires are toxic. No matter what the liberals try to tell you, boys, you shouldn't be ashamed of your gender.
Stan Marsh: Okay, Dad. So I've got an Imperium infantry unit within six inches of Celestine, so they have a +6 save.

Mr. Garrison: This whole situation in the Ukraine, that wouldn't be happening on my watch. The problem is now we all have a president who's afraid. And that's why Joe and the ho have got to go!

Mr. Garrison: I mean, after all, I am here for you. I am your warrior! Liberal left! Hunter Biden laptop!

Mr. Garrison: And we're gonna take Georgia, and... and we're gonna take Arizona this time! And when I say we're gonna take Arizona in the election, I... I mean we're gonna take it again. 'cause we all know I won it last time, too!

Mr. Garrison: Come on, just stop. Stop. The country is fine. You have better things to do...

Mr. Garrison: Well, to hell with you! Nobody controls me! Yeah! America! Yeah!

Randy Marsh: Whoa, whoa! No, no, no. It's okay. I'm just helping my boy through the media assault on manliness.

Mr. Garrison: I know you all really want to rally and rage, but... the only thing I have to say is... is that... I. Love. Rick.

Mr. Garrison: Oh, Rick! I don't wanna go through all that again. I just wanna stay in South Park with you.
Rick: Well, I guess we'll just have to see what happens.

—
On the IMDb

DikinBaus Hot Dogs

South Park 26×5

Eric Cartman Butters, what the hell are you wearing?
Butters Stotch: I got a job over at the ice cream shop. And guess what? I got my very first paycheck.
Eric Cartman That's not fair. I want a paycheck.
Butters Stotch: My dad told me if I got a job, we could put my paychecks in my very own bank account.
Eric Cartman I want a bank account.
Stan Marsh: I didn't know kids could get jobs.
Butters Stotch: Yeah. Well, I guess these days, it's real hard for businesses to find people to work so they'll take whatever they can get.
Eric Cartman I want to take whatever I can get.

Butters Stotch: It's what they call the Great Resignation labor shortage. So now if you have your parent's permission, there's some jobs they'll even let kids do.

Eric Cartman My mom gave me permission. I can start work now. What do I do?
Butters Stotch: Well, but Eric, this is my job.
Eric Cartman Yeah, I want your job, sitting around eating ice cream. Sounds fun.

Mr. Sullivan: Butters, can you vouch for him? Is he trustworthy and reliable?
Butters Stotch: Uh, oh, um... okay.

Butters Stotch: Oh. Hello, sir. Hope you're having a creamy day. What can I get for you?
Customer: Can I have a single scoop of coconut almond fudge?
Butters Stotch: Okay. Eric, can you scoop out some coconut almond fudge?
Eric Cartman Why?
Butters Stotch: Because it's your job, Eric.
Eric Cartman Whoa, Butters. Let's not make this a toxic work environment, OK?

Butters Stotch: Eric! Eric, you can't just sit there at a table.
Eric Cartman Yeah, I can. It's Monday.
Butters Stotch: So?
Eric Cartman So haven't you heard of bare minimum Mondays? It's a thing that young people have created because we care about our mental health.

Mr. Sullivan: Butters, what's going on?
Butters Stotch: Uh, Eric says he's going to work from home.
Mr. Sullivan: How can he work from home? This is an ice cream shop!
Eric Cartman Yeah, no, 'cause see, I'm actually taking a mental health day. Yeah, young people can just ask for a mental health day and employers can't deny them. It's my mental health day.

Eric Cartman Okay... But don't forget that tomorrow is take it easy Tuesdays.

Eric Cartman You know what's total bullcrap, Butters? It's how much money the owner of this place is making while we're out here busting our asses. I mean, what does that old fart even do?
Butters Stotch: Eric, could you please fill this nice lady's order?
Eric Cartman Oh, yes, let me get that for you, masa, right away, nah.

Eric Cartman I mean, seriously, Butters. Why do we have to work for the owner? We know how to do all this stuff now. We don't even need that guy. There has to be a way we could turn the tables. There has to be a way we could make all the money. Wait a minute...

Eric Cartman Kenny! Kenny, you're not going to believe this, but I just quit my job.
Kenny McKormick You had a job?

Eric Cartman Yes, I had a job. But I got fed up, sick of working my fingers to the bone for some piece of shit owner. And that's when it hit me. Kenny, we should open a restaurant.
Kenny McKormick Why the fuck would we open a restaurant?

Butters Stotch: But I like my ice cream job. I don't want to open a hot dog.
Eric Cartman No, you keep working at the ice cream shop. We're going to open the hot dog. All you do is collect the money as the investor.
Butters Stotch: Yeah, but this is... This is my money. I worked hard for it.
Eric Cartman Butters, it's just like, you're lucky, you know? You have money. But look at Kenny. Can you imagine what it's like for him watching rich white boys like you just collecting paycheck after paycheck, while he wallows in the filth of his tiny house?
Kenny McKormick The fuck?

Eric Cartman Butters, Kenny deserves a chance to be able to work like you do. Please, give him that chance.
Butters Stotch: Ugh, I just give a bit of my paycheck every week to you guys?
Eric Cartman And we pay you back as soon as we make our first dollar, Butters. You have my word on it.

Eric Cartman This is going to be the best restaurant in Colorado, Kenny. And I know exactly what we should name it...

Butters Stotch: Are you guys just playing around?
Eric Cartman No, we are renovating and opening an amazing restaurant that will be extremely profitable.
Butters Stotch: Then why did you name it DikinBaus?
Eric Cartman Butters, you are the investor. We are the creatives.
Butters Stotch: Well, stop being creative and open the goddamn restaurant so I can get my money back! So stop dicking around and wasting my money.
Eric Cartman Butters, at DikinBaus, dicking around is all we do, dicking around the competition.

Eric Cartman All right, everyone, it's looking good but we have a ways to go. I don't know about you, but I am exhausted. I think we should just all take the rest of the day off because it is wet's not work to hard Wednesdays.

Eric Cartman That's it, I give up. It's impossible to open any kind of business these days when this generation doesn't know how to work.

Eric Cartman Oh, great. Now the bank is here. Scrooge McButters to collect on his money.
Butters Stotch: You haven't made any money.
Eric Cartman Butters, the truth is, we tried. The fact of the matter is, the US government failed this generation by shutting down businesses in the pandemic. And now they don't know how to go back. I'm sorry, but we lost all your money. But there is a good side to this because as you can see, I now have a house that has slides, and games, and a mermaid grotto. And you can come and hang out all you want.
Butters Stotch: GOSH DANG IT!

Eric Cartman You guys, it's working. We're doing it!

Eric Cartman I don't want to be here. I want to be in DikinBaus! DikinBaus is awesome. This place sucks. I want... I want... DikinBaus! I want my DikinBaus!

—
On the IMDb
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Deep Learning

South Park 26×4

Bebe Stevens: Clyde just sent me another text... I texted him if he thought about me all the time, and he texted back, "It certainly seems like all the time. It's hard to get someone like you out of my mind."

Bebe Stevens: Yesterday, I texted him, "How do you know you're in love with me?" And he said, "I know I'm in love with you because spending time with you makes me feel like I'm home and I can't imagine life without you." ... OMG, Clyde. Do you really care about me that much?...
Red McArthur: Does Stan ever talk to you like that, Wendy?
Wendy Testaburger: No. Every time I send Stan a text, he just responds with a thumbs up emoji.
Bebe Stevens: Yeah, well, Clyde is just really into me. Oh, he's texting back!... "Yes, I do care about you that much. You mean a lot to me and I care deeply about you."

Stan Marsh: ...And Wendy said that she wishes I would reply to her texts the way that Clyde responds to Bebe's. So, like... how do you do it?
Clyde Donovan: ChatGPT, dude.
Stan Marsh: ChatGPT?
Clyde Donovan: Yeah, dude, there's a bunch of apps and programs you can subscribe to that use OpenAI to do all your writing for you. People use em to write poems, write job applications, but what they're really good for is dealing with chicks.

Clyde Donovan: There's tons of ChatGPT apps for you phone. So, then I can take whatever latest dumb thing Bebe texted me, I copy it, then I open the GPT app, Click "respond to," paste her text here, hit "write." It just thinks for a second... "You would look great with any length of hair! Trying a new look could be fun." Copy that into messages and send it off. It's super easy and convenient and it saves me a ton of time because she texts me so goddamn much-- Jesus Christ! "I probably won't do it, but thanks for being supportive." Cut. Paste. Write. Cut. Messages. Paste. Send. There.

Eric Cartman This can't be open source, you guys! If everyone starts using ChatGPT, then we lose our unfair advantage.

Eric Cartman So we're all in it together. But you guys need to be careful what you use it for. Because once you bring girls into things, they're gonna ruin it. Just like slavery.

Mr. Garrison: Ugh, God, I can't take it, Rick!... Oh, it's just grading these stupid papers all the time! I have to read em' all and comment on each one of them. Jesus Christ. Something's changed, and now a few of the kids are writing these really long, detailed essays. I don't know what's going on. I guess I've taught them really well, maybe a bit too well.
Rick: Uh, yeah... Have you ever heard of ChatGPT?
Mr. Garrison: ChatGP-Whoza what the [BLEEP] is that?

Mr. Garrison: Wait a minute... There's an app that anyone can use that does all the thinking and writing for you?... Well, this is gonna be amazing! I can use it to grade all my papers, and no one will ever know! I'll just type the title of the essay in, and it'll generate a comment, and I don't even have to read the stupid things!

Wendy Testaburger: ... you're right. We can't dwell on those things. You're right about a lot of stuff. There was just that one thing I don't understand. About the boating accident in Switzerland?
Stan Marsh: The boating accident in Switzerland... was tough.
Wendy Testaburger: I thought you said it was great.
Stan Marsh: It was great. And very tough.
Wendy Testaburger: But how did it cause the thing with your cousin?

Wendy Testaburger: Thank you so much, Stan. Thank you for being the only real thing in my life.

Mr. Mackey: M'kay, kids, I need to discuss a very serious matter. There is a rumor going around that someone at this school is using open AI technology to do their work.
Mr. Garrison: Well, that's crazy! Who would do that?

Mr. Mackey: Now, I know that everyone at this school is honest, hard-working, m'kay, wouldn't... Wouldn't even want to use this "ChatGBD."
Butters Stotch: ChatGPT!
Mr. Mackey: Oh, m'kay, but the school board has decided to call in a company that can detect AI in schoolwork and make sure nobody here is cheating.

Mr. Mackey: M'kay, I'm just a little confused. You think we shouldn't have the kids' schoolwork analyzed for using AI writing apps?
Mr. Garrison: Look, it's just... It's really unfair to the kids. I mean, what are we saying? That we don't trust them? I mean, geez!
Mr. Mackey: But don't you think if kids aren't writing their own papers, we should know?
Mr. Garrison: Oh, what are people afraid of? That AI is gonna replace real writers? That Hollywood is gonna become just a bland recycling of old ideas? It already is! AI might help it!

Anti-ChatGPT Technician: It only takes one student. And then it spreads like a cancer. Come, Shadowbane! Let us find this ChatGPT-using cheater!

Mr. Garrison: I don't wanna punish anyone, Stan. I completely understand.
Stan Marsh: You do?
Mr. Garrison: Sure, I think most the world does. I mean, why does it matter who uses AI apps? It's just like having a good writer's assistant.
Stan Marsh: Yeah, like a good writer's assistant.
Mr. Garrison: Yeah! I mean, you're still the one taking the time to, like, push the buttons and stuff.

Mr. Garrison: Hold on. People can use it to respond to other people's texts?!

Stan Marsh: I don't know what to do. I'm not creative enough to think of a way out of this... Wait. That's it!

Stan Marsh: Look, everyone, we can't blame people who are using ChatGPT. It's not their fault. ... It's the giant tech companies who took open AI, packaged it, monetized it, and pushed it out to all of us as fast as they could in order to get ahead. Open AI is so powerful that it has to be something that everyone can use, control, and contribute to. Or else AI will be controlled by corporations who just want an unfair advantage like Cartman does.
Eric Cartman Hey! Screw you, you dumb Jew!

—
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Japanese Toilets

South Park 26×3

Randy Marsh: See, Stan? You gotta choose if you wanna be in Gryffindor or Slytherin.
Stan Marsh: Yeah, can I do it?

Sharon Marsh: Randy! We need to get a new toilet.
Randy Marsh: We can't just get rid of ol' blue, Sharon.

The Home Depot Employee: How much you looking to spend?
Randy Marsh: Well I'm not poor.

The Home Depot Employee: All the toilet's functions are operated by a touch-button remote which you mount where the toilet-paper roll used to go.
Randy Marsh: So then where do you keep the toilet paper?
The Home Depot Employee: With a Japanese toilet, you don't need toilet paper. The toilet washes you completely clean.
Randy Marsh: You're mad.
The Home Depot Employee: No, it's true. It has warm water and a dryer and cleans you eight times better than toilet paper can. Would you like to take one for a test drive?
Randy Marsh: Okay, how much?

Randy Marsh: Yeah, my... my point is that most people in town don't even have a PS5. They still have PS4s, and so we're basically the Kennedys of South Park.

Sharon Marsh: That's the new toilet? How much did it cost?
Randy Marsh: Oh, Sharon. Tennish.
Sharon Marsh: What's tennish?
Randy Marsh: Tennish. Thousandish. Ten thousandish.
Sharon Marsh: You spent $10,000 on a toilet?!

Eric Cartman Stan, just so you know, nobody gives a shit.
Stan Marsh: About what?
Eric Cartman Come on, guys!...
Heather Williams Did you know some people can't even afford to eat? How about caring for something that matters, you bitch?

Randy Marsh: Oh! No, Doctor. I haven't needed to come to your office. In fact, I don't think I'll be needing your services anymore since I've gotten a Japanese toilet.
Dr. Sheltair: Oh... Oh, really?
Randy Marsh: It's completely changed my life. I'm healthier, I'm less stressed, and I don't get hemorrhoids 'cause I'm not smearing shit all over my ass with toilet paper.

Dr. Sheltair: How am I supposed to tell my wife we can't afford to go to Tuscany now?!
Randy Marsh: I never realized you made so much money off my ass. Go on. Get. Get!

Jimmy Valmer It's a big deal, Stan. You just don't understand why... Have you ever asked yourself why we use toilet paper? We're told to wash our hands... wear masks in crowds... but for some reason, when it comes to wiping our ass, we're told to do it with this little piece of paper. We are all... all of us... walking around right now with a little bit of shit smeared on our buttholes.

Jimmy Valmer Did you know that 70% of people in the world don't even use it at all? ... Most people in the world still use good ol' soap and water. The average American uses 140 rolls of toilet paper per year. Can you even begin to imagine how many trees that is? To supply the United States its toilet paper, it takes 31.1 million trees per year. A million acres per year of precious Canadian Boreal forest alone, releasing upwards of 25 metric tons of CO2 and leveling 90% of the land barren.
Stan Marsh: So, then, why do Americans use it so much?
Jimmy Valmer Well, that's the big question, isn't it?

Jimmy Valmer These people have deeper pockets than you can possibly imagine. They can destroy everything you love, Stan. Take my advice... Don't. Squeeze. The Charmin.

Randy Marsh: South Park, uh, we-we're cutting this short. I was totally wrong and I want to apologize--
Stan Marsh: No, dad, it's the toilet paper companies that are behind all the...
Randy Marsh: Yeah, I know. Yeah, so, uh, w-we have nothing against toilet paper. It's a great product and, uh, it was childish of me to make fun of it. .... Japanese toilets are totally unnecessary, and, uh, in case anyone else is listening, I think all of South Park would like to apologize. We retract what we said about toilet paper companies. They... They have done nothing but help us, and we are sorry. South Park... everyone... Say you're sorry.
— We're sorry.

Stan Marsh: What about helping people and leading by example?
Randy Marsh: We're not the goddamn Kennedys, Stan. Stop being an idiot.

Randy Marsh: You know, guys, I'm actually not that sad. Having a Japanese toilet was great, but... I've come to realize that, when you have some big, nice luxury thing, it eventually just becomes normal. But you start comparing it to all the other things in your life which suddenly feel you have to upgrade, too. So, it's really best to just stick with the beat-up, crappy old things we have. Love you forever, honey.

—
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The Worldwide Privacy Tour

South Park 26×2

Kyle Broflovski Ike... Ike, come on, dude, you can't keep doing this.
Ike Broflovski She is dead. She's dead. She's dead, Kyle.
Kyle Broflovski Ike, the Queen died like four months ago. You gotta let it go.

Funeral Commentator: Y... Yes, it looks like the Prince and his new wife have just shown up. The Prince and his wife have, of course, been bashing the Canadian monarchy. A lot of Canadians hate them now.

— We want privacy! We want privacy! We want privacy! We want privacy!
Prince of Canada: Thanks for having us on the show.
Princess of Canada: It's so awesome to be here. It's great.

Canadian Talk Show Host: So let me start with you, sir. You lived a life with the royal family, you had everything handed to you but you say your life has been hard, and you've written all aboot it in your new book, "Waaagh."
Prince of Canada: Yes that's right, fwiend.

Princess of Canada: We just want to be normal people. All this attention is so hard.
Canadian Talk Show Host: Isn't it true, sir, that your questionable wife has her own TV show and hangs out with celebrities and does fashion magazines?
Prince of Canada: What are you suggesting?
Canadian Talk Show Host: Well, I just think some people might say that your Instagram-loving bitch wife actually doesn't want her privacy.
Prince of Canada: How dare you, sir! My Instagram-loving bitch wife has always wanted her privacy! And you know what else? To hell with Canada.

Prince of Canada: We are leaving. We'll go find some quiet place where we can be normal people. Come on, wife. We want privacy!
— We want privacy! We want privacy!

Mr. Davis: Alright there, Kyle, we got your survey answers, and I think we've put together some great ideas for your brand. I understand you want people to like you more and think you're cool. Is that right?
Kyle Broflovski Yeah.
Mr. Davis: Alright, well, let's see how this brand works for you. We got... Kyle... Rugged. Vegan. Compassionate. Victim.
Kyle Broflovski I... I don't think that's really me.
Mr. Davis: Well, that's fine 'cause there's a lot of different brands people are attracted to. How about this one? Kyle... Sensitive. Outdoorsy. Frugal. Victim.
Kyle Broflovski I'm not... I'm not that outdoorsy.
Mr. Davis: Okay, well, remember there, Kyle, it's not so much about who you are as much as it is about what people are attracted to, okay? So let's see, how about this? Kyle... Wealthy. Handsome. Multi-talented Grammy Award-Winning. Victim. Oh, that... that one's taken already. Sorry. Hold on...

Butters Stotch: You'll see, Kyle. When you have your brand up and runnin', no one can stop you.

Princess of Canada: Look at this town... There's just something about it. Oh, darling. I think this might be the place.
Prince of Canada: You really think so?
Princess of Canada: It's so quiet and empty here. If we moved here, then people would think we're really serious about wanting to be normal.

Prince of Canada: Hey! Hey, you! Hey, what are you looking at?! You ever heard of privacy?!
Kyle Broflovski What?

Kyle Broflovski I just want you guys to know that I am a reliable, fun-loving, punctual victim.
Stan Marsh: 'Kay, well, we gotta get to class.

Officer Johnston: Park County Police Station. What's your emergency?
Kyle Broflovski Yeah, the neighbors across the street are setting off fireworks and it's 10:30 at night!
Officer Johnston: Oh, is it the Prince of Canada and his wife, who just want to be left alone?

Prince of Canada: We are here because privacy is a basic human right. How many more princes and his wives have to live in this nightmare?
Kyle Broflovski Hey, can you two [BLEEP] keep it down?! Oy!
Prince of Canada: You ever heard of a thing called "privacy"?!
Kyle Broflovski Yeah, nobody gives a shit. Will you two just shut up, and go away?!

Kyle Broflovski It seriously is driving me crazy! The prince plays drums all day. I don't think he even has a job. And I don't know what the hell she does. Why they even left Canada is beyond me. And, like, she seems to just boss him around, and make him do whatever she wants. I mean, why did they even leave Canada and move to South Park, anyway? ...
Stan Marsh: Look, Kyle... We just kinda don't care about some dumb prince and his stupid wife.
Kyle Broflovski I don't care about them either!
Jimmy Valmer So, then why do you talk about them all the time?
Kyle Broflovski ......

Stan Marsh: Dude, we're just kind of sick of hearing about them.
Kyle Broflovski I'm sick of hearing about them! But I can't get away from them! They're everywhere! In my [BLEEP] face!
Tolkien Black Yeah, and now you're putting 'em in our [BLEEP] face.

Mr. Davis: The problem with you is you want results without the work. You can't just say you're a certain thing, and then expect people to just like your brand. You gotta work it, sell people on it.
Kyle Broflovski But I just don't feel like my brand is who I really am on the inside.
Mr. Davis: You know, Kyle, some people think it's what's inside you that matters. But people can't see inside you. They can only see what kind of drink you're drinking. That's what matters.

Mr. Davis: I think we got it. People are gonna love this. Kyle... he's a thick-skinned, super cool, nothing bothers him... Victim.

Kyle Broflovski ..... I don't care. Don't care.
Princess of Canada: What the hell?
Prince of Canada: What'd he just say?
Princess of Canada: He victimized me! It's because I'm an ethnic woman!
Prince of Canada: He can't do that! I'll see... Wait, you're ethnic? This is an outrage!

Mr. Davis: I do see you're in our database, but you didn't first get help at this CumHammer location?
Prince of Canada: No. My wife went to one in California as a child.
Mr. Davis: Ah. Okay. Then you must be in the national system... Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Is this you? "Sorority girl, Actress, Influencer, Victim."
Princess of Canada: Yeah. That's totally me.
Mr. Davis: And then, you added your husband to your Friends and Family account. You must be the "Royal prince, millionaire, world traveler, victim."
Prince of Canada: That's right.

Kyle Broflovski Look, we all have our faults. God knows I do. But if we just try to present and control an image of us for people to see, then, we're just performers instead of human beings.
Prince of Canada: He's right. Trying to make ourselves into a brand just turned us into products. We don't need to be a brand, do we?... If it's truly what we want, then we really can get away from it all. No more magazines and Netflix shows. We really can live a normal life. Yes, I'm sure you agree, darling... We can be the people we talked about being, with no more worries about how we look or the image we project to people. What matters is what we have on the inside... Hello?......

Funeral Commentator: The queen is dead. What a sad day for Canada... and therefore, the world.

—
+ Quotes on the IMDb

Cupid Ye

South Park 26×1

Kyle Broflovski: Hey, dudes. Just wondering if you guys have seen me and Tolkien's latest Tiktok?

Eric Cartman: What the [BLEEP] is this? Seriously, what the [BLEEP] is this?

Eric Cartman: I gotta see if there's some way I can help. There's a little voice inside me that can't stand to see my friend suffer.
Kenny McKormick: Mrph rmh rmphm?
Eric Cartman: I'm gonna go be a good Christian.

Eric Cartman: I think it's amazing. It's awesome that someone like you could be okay with someone like him, given all the new information lately... You know, the stuff that's come out about how the Jews stole the Black race's identity, that the lost tribes of Judah were actually all Africans. You didn't hear about this?

Eric Cartman: Black people are actually the Jews and people like Kyle have taken that from them?
Tolkien Black: Stop talking to me.
Eric Cartman: When the Jews came to America to escape persecution in World War II, they found that Blacks were already the underclass in America, so they had to invent a story for themselves which they can make everyone believe because Kyle runs Hollywood!... Kyle runs Hollywood, Tolkien.

Cupid Ye: Remember, being a good Christian means helping people even when it's hard.
Eric Cartman: You're right, Cupid Ye. Can you help make sure Tolkien hears our message?
Cupid Ye: Spreading information is like spreading love. I'll help you get the word out, Eric!

Kyle Broflovski: I'm not even going to justify that with a response. Because repeating a derogatory slur, even for the purpose of refuting it, can make stupid people think it's valid!
Scott Malkinson: Holy shit. Kyle runs Hollywood...

P.C. Principal: Mr. Cartman, did you or did you not tell students at this school that Kyle runs Hollywood?
Eric Cartman: I think I did say that, yes.
P.C. Principal: And why would you say such an intolerant, offensive thing like that?
Eric Cartman: Somebody runs Hollywood.
Kyle Broflovski: Lots of people run Hollywood!
Eric Cartman: Yes, lots of... people like Kyle.
P.C. Principal: Mr. Cartman you are on dangerous frickin ground here, buddy!
Eric Cartman: I'm sorry, why is it so offensive to say who runs Hollywood? People like Hollywood. Hollywood's cool. The Jews should be honored to be in charge of it.

Eric Cartman: The Principal said I can't talk about Kyle running Hollywood anymore, Cupid Ye!
Cupid Ye: Well, of course, Eric! They're trying to silence you. That's what they do.
Eric Cartman: Who's they? Oh right... them.
Cupid Ye: Tee hee hee! Jews!

Randy Marsh: Well, Gerald, I don't know if you can just talk to your son but... can we just admit this whole woke thing isn't working?

Randy Marsh: And just as a side note, I'm gonna say it out loud. "Avatar 2" sucked. It just sucked, Gerald. Someone had to be brave enough to say it.

Gerald Broflovski Kyle, what is he talking about?!
Kyle Broflovski He's just being an idiot and listening to what [BLEEP] Eric Cartman said!
Randy Marsh: I did not hear it from Eric Cartman. I heard it from a prominent, respected artist on television.
Kyle Broflovski Who?!
TV Anchor: Our next guest is a world famous rapper and artist who claims that the Jews run Hollywood. What exactly do you mean by that?

Tolkien Black: Maybe I should do the mom part.
Kyle Broflovski Nah, you do the kid part. It's funnier.
Tolkien Black: Okay, yeah. I guess you call the shots.
Kyle Broflovski What's that supposed to mean?
Tolkien Black: Just means you're in charge.
Kyle Broflovski Oh, I'm in charge, Like I control things? Huh, are you gonna start saying I run Hollywood now too?
Tolkien Black: I didn't say you run Hollywood. And honestly, I'm getting kind of sick of hearing it.
Kyle Broflovski You're sick of hearing it?
Tolkien Black: Yeah, I'm sick of hearing it.
Kyle Broflovski Oh, my God, are you listening to yourself? You of all people should have some compassion.
Tolkien Black: Oh, really? Why me of all people, Kyle?
Kyle Broflovski You seriously don't know why? You know that Jews have stood alongside Blacks since the Civil Rights movement began, right?
Tolkien Black: What does that have to do with anything?
Kyle Broflovski I'm just saying I thought you'd be a better friend. 'Cause you're like...
Tolkien Black: 'Cause I'm like what? Black?
Eric Cartman: Oh my God, this is so awesome.
Kyle Broflovski Whatever, Tolkien. Now you're gonna act like I somehow did something wrong to you.
Tolkien Black: No, you didn't do it to me. It just seems to work out that way all the time for you people.
Kyle Broflovski You people? No, it works that way for you people!

Cupid Ye: ...and we can spread our Nazi message all over the world!
Eric Cartman: Whoa, whoa, okay, Cupid Ye. You mean our Christian message.
Cupid Ye: It's the same thing. Christian message, Nazi message. Hitler was a great Christian.
Eric Cartman: Cupid Ye, are you okay? Do you need to, like, talk to somebody?
Cupid Ye: I mean it. People have to die so that the better races can live.

Cupid Ye: How about a little anti-Semitism?...

Eric Cartman: Cupid Yeeeeeeee! Time to take your meds...

—: This young man has said in plain words what so many of us in Hollywood have been trying to get people to understand.
—: To hear it all so plain, and so passionate. This kid thinks about things the way we all need to.
—: You know what I think? I think this kid should run Hollywood!
—: YEAH!
Kyle Broflovski Whoa, whoa... Wait, what? Whoa.
—: Let him run Hollywood!
—: Yeah! Give the kid a shot!
Kyle Broflovski God damn it.
—: Let the Jew run it! Let the Jew run it!

—
+ Quotes on the IMDb
+ Soundtrack

Credigree Weed St. Patrick's Day Special

South Park 25×6

Butters Stotch: Uh-oh! Hey, Kelly-Ann! What's going on?
Kelly-Ann: What do you mean?
Butters Stotch: Looks like someone forgot what day it was! Ha ha! Pi-i-i-i-nch!

Butters Stotch: I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to do anything wrong, honest!
Officer Johnston: Do you know what sexual assault is?

Randy Marsh: A very happy mornin', everybody! And a foine St. Patrick's Day to all of ye. I don't know if ya noohticed. But, uh, there's a farm across the street selling weed also... And the owner is actually 10 par-cent Irish!
Steve Black: So, obviously, you're upset that you don't seem to have any customers.
Randy Marsh: What I'm upset about is a wee little thing called "cultural appropriation". Ever heard of it? That's why we can't wear sombreros on Cinco de Mayo. Why we can't dress like Indians on Halloween.
Steve Black: What's your point?
Randy Marsh: I'm looking at my point, you racist son of a bitch. You have no right to wear that stuff. It is offensive.

Randy Marsh: Come on, guys! St. Patrick's Day is the one day of the year we have left where we can actually celebrate being white. Any other day that we tried to be proud of our culture, we would get immediately cancelled by Twitter! And yet for some reason, you're all over here, buying your weed from someone who is fine mocking our customs and traditions.

Randy Marsh: Yeah, let's arrest the white leprechaun. Cuz, you know, can't have one day for a mostly white culture, right? Don't wanna get cancelled. I guess don't arrest him for cultural appropriations? Guess... Guess that only works one way, huh?

Public Defender: I'm here to help you, okay? Now, this woman that you're accused of groping, were you two in any kind of relationship?
Butters Stotch: No, ma'am, could you... Maybe put on some green lipstick or something?
Public Defender: Before you touched the victim, did she give you any kind of consent?
Butters Stotch: Well, technically, yes! I mean, St. Patrick's Day is a wonderful day where we remember a British Roman man who went to Ireland and converted the whole country to Christianity! And he used a clover to represent the Holy Trinity, so we're supposed to celebrate that by wearing green and if you don't wear green you get a pinch!
Public Defender: And who is this St. Patrick to you?

Stan Marsh: Dad, it's St. Patrick's Day. We're gonna do a scavenger hunt at recess.
Randy Marsh: I'm asking you to do one little thing. Ditch school, get weed, sneak into the police station. Do it or no more Wi-Fi, I mean it!

Butters Stotch: I knew St. Patrick would perform a miracle to get us out of here! Just like when he was a slave, he will help us go free!
Randy Marsh: White people were slaves in history? Nuh-uh.

Officer Johnston: This weed is amazing and it has so much cred... You know, I've never really been a fan of the holiday Specials, but this one is really good.

Randy Marsh: Stop right there, you piece a shit! Is everyone enjoying the special?!

Randy Marsh: You see?! This is what happens when you appropriate a culture! It's sort of your special and it's sort of not your special... And nobody knows whose special it is.

St. Patrick: "Kiss me I'm Irish!" That's more like it!
— Oh, my God!
St. Patrick: No, you bought the shirt, bitch! Come on, let's have a go! It's me day! Take your dick out. Who wants him to take his dick out?
— I will not!
St. Patrick: What is this? Are you people all some kind of Scottish poofters?
— Hey, that is a homophobic slur!
St. Patrick: You're calling me homophobic? Because I will gladly [BLEEP] any man here. We celebrate St. Patrick's Day for four simple reasons... I. Love. To. [BLEEP].
— Wow, St. Patrick, wow. You're a real jerk.

Tom: The party is over... A new day has come... And now... St. Patrick's Day, the only holiday left where white people could celebrate a culture... has been cancelled. And as for the mysterious, sexually charged being who groped and assaulted so many. He... is doing five years community service.
Butters Stotch: .... Once again... I shoulda never listened to what they told me in church.

—
On the IMDb
+ Soundtrack

Help, My Teenager Hates Me!

South Park 25×5

Gerald Broflovski: My God! Is this stuff real?!
Kyle Broflovski: No, Dad, it's Airsoft. It's like paintball, only it's way cooler and it just looks totally real.
Gerald Broflovski: I-I really don't think your mom would approve, Kyle.
Kyle Broflovski: Dad... Please. I'm not a baby anymore.
The other guys... They already got their stuff. We're playing today! Can I please just get, like, an AK-47 and maybe a Glock?

Gerald Broflovski: So it's all totally safe?
Airsoft Armory Salesman: Well, I wouldn't particularly say that... I mean... All the stuff is safe, the guns and grenades and things... but... But not necessarily the people who mostly play Airsoft...
Gerald Broflovski: What people mostly play Airsoft?
Airsoft Armory Salesman: Teenagers.

Kyle Broflovski: Cartman, are you okay?
Eric Cartman: I'm just really happy, you guys... Airsoft is seriously, like, the greatest thing in the whole world. Well, here's my house. Thanks, you guys. For just a few, brief hours... I forgot how much everything sucks.

Kyle Broflovski: Oh, that's probably my teenager!

Sheila Broflovski: Gerald... why is Kyle wearing my makeup on his face?
Gerald Broflovski: He's just... experimenting.

Kyle Broflovski: What the hell are these things?

Eric Cartman: Well... at least I'm not the only one dealing with this crap.
Kyle Broflovski: Your guy wants hair gel, too?
Eric Cartman: No, my teenager wants more lotion... All this guy does is hang out in the bathroom and go through like two bottles of lotion a day. I swear I don't know how soft you could possibly want your hands to be.

Stan Marsh: Oh, my God, you gotta be shitting me. Yeah... hello?
Stan's Teenager: I'm not gay.
Stan Marsh: Whu... What?
Stan's Teenager: Why'd you call me gay?! Like, what the hell do you know?! You don't even [BLEEP] know me!
Stan Marsh: I-I didn't call you gay.
Stan's Teenager: They said I couldn't shoot a BB within 10 feet, and I just had to say bang bang, and you got all salty and said I was gay.
Stan Marsh: I was saying the rule was gay. I wasn't talking anything about sexual orientation.
Stan's Teenager: Brah.
Stan Marsh: You're right, I shouldn't have used that word! Look... I was one of the first people ever to say there was nothing wrong with being gay. I had a dog that was gay!
Stan's Teenager: Oh, so I'm a [BLEEP] dog now?! I'll [BLEEP] kill you!
Stan Marsh: Okay, dude... What... Do you want me to do?
Stan's Teenager: I want you to just leave me alone!
Stan Marsh: Okay, but you called me... Hello? Hello?

Stan Marsh: I seriously don't know what to do... I've tried being nice, I've tried being harsh... And I get nothing from my teenager. Nothing.
Kenny McKormick: Mrph.
Kyle Broflovski: Well, you're lucky. At least your teenager doesn't threaten to kill you.
Stan Marsh: I'd love him to threaten to do anything. I'd love him to do. Anything.
Eric Cartman: On the rare occasion that my teenager isn't in the bathroom, all he does is talk about his miserable life. I'm like... okay, dude, I've got problems too. But of course teenagers don't care about your problems. I'm like, "Look, buddy, I live in a hot dog. Okay? Like, maybe let's stop bitching and just play Airsoft." But you can't say that because then they're just gonna...
— WANT TO KILL THEMSELVES.

Eric Cartman: Okay, well, you should probably finish up. I know you took the lotion in there. You really don't need soft hands for camping.
Eric's Teenager: Leave me alone!
Eric Cartman: Come on, dude. No shit in the world takes that long.

Eric Cartman: What you do to Jergens Lotion isn't right.

Randy Marsh: Should I take them out now?
Gerald Broflovski: Not yet... We still have a few good years before they turn into monsters.

—
On the IMDb
+ Soundtrack

Back to the Cold War

South Park 25×4

Garrison: Okay, children, let's take our seats. I know there's a lot of things going on and we're all a little bit worried. I've heard some of you express concern over current events, so I think we should discuss what's happening. It is true... Rick and I did get into a fight over the weekend. Now, I don't know what you've heard and what you haven't, but Rick was wrong, okay? He's the one that needs to apologize.
Wendy Testaburger: We're not worried about that. We're all worried about Putin.
Garrison: Putin? It was just a little noise when I pulled out. Nobody was "pootin," okay?

Mr. Mackey: Uh, kids, I need your attention! We're doing an emergency drill this morning, m'kay... M'kay, now, we haven't done these in a long time, but we need to be prepared if the Russians decide to nuke us. Now, when you hear this sound...
— The Russians are nuking us.
Mr. Mackey: Then you need to quickly and calmly get out of your seats and get to the gymnasium, m'kay?
— The Russians are nuking us.
Mr. Mackey: .... The Russians are [BLEEP] nuking us! Go! Go, go, go!
— We're all gonna die!!!

P.C. Principal: Well, Mr. Mackey, this is the seventh drill that we've done in two days. And I see that you also put in the budget for a bomb shelter and 20 VHS copies of "Red Dawn."
Mr. Mackey: VHS is still really the best format when you think about it.
P.C. Principal: Mr. Mackey, I'm starting to worry that this is sort of... nostalgic for you, like you're kind of enjoying this.
Mr. Mackey: Enjoying it?! My job is to have this school ready. Kids need to know what Russia is capable of. Ah-staff meen-ya if pahk-oye.
P.C. Principal: You speak Russian?
Mr. Mackey: No, but I watched "Hunt For Red October" like 200 times.

Butters Stotch: I'll do my best, Dad.
Stephen Stotch: You're gonna have to do better than that, Butters. You see that little Russian kid over there? That kid doesn't give a shit about you. He just wants to win and take what little patriotism our country has left.
Butters Stotch: That kid?
Linda Stotch: You didn't live through the Cold War, Butters, but we did.
Stephen Stotch: This tournament is gonna be turned into a political spectacle, and you have to win. Otherwise, I'm afraid we'll have to give your pony away to communists who slaughter ponies and donkeys to make skin cream. That's mostly the Chinese, but a commie's a commie.
Linda Stotch: Better dead than red, Butters.

Butters Stotch: We need to have a serious talk, Melancholy, and I need you to listen. There's a time to poop, and there's a time to work. And the best thing is to poop when your work is done...

Mama Mackey: Honey... as your mother, I want you to know you can talk to me about whatever you want. Even if it's about being scared of gettin' old.
Mr. Mackey: Things used to be so much simpler, Mama. There was a good guy and a... and a bad guy. And we all... sort of came together and loved our country... Not like it is now.
Mama Mackey: Ohhh, junior. I know that gettin' old isn't so much fun, is it? We all wanna go back to a time when we were younger. You're getting to be around 55. Your pee-pee doesn't work so good, does it?

Mama Mackey: When a man gets to a point where his pee-pee doesn't work the way it used to, he starts to... well, sit in his room and play war games again, you know?

Mama Mackey: But, honey, those times weren't better. We were all scared. People died. That's not something to strive to get back to. .... It... It just felt good 'cause it was familiar. That's just sort of what us old people do. It all comes down to this.

Linda Stotch: What's he doing?
Stephen Stotch: What's he doing?! He's fighting for democracy! Go, Butters!

Mr. Mackey: I just wanna say to the Russians... That if I can change, then yous can change! I know how it is when you're gettin' old, you know, and you start getting aggressive because your dick doesn't work the way it used to.
President Putin: Da... Da...
Mr. Mackey: But just because our dicks don't work doesn't mean we should go back to the way things were.

Mr. Mackey: In the immortal words of Sting... We all share the same biology. Regardless of ideology.

—
On the IMDb
+ Soundtrack

City People

South Park 25×3

Mrs. Cartman: Honey... Mommy has some big news.
Eric Cartman: What--
Mrs. Cartman: I... got a job, Eric.
Eric Cartman: I'm your job!

Eric Cartman: Wha... What job could you possibly have? You don't know how to do anything.
Mrs. Cartman: I'm a real estate agent.
Eric Cartman: A what?

Eric Cartman: Butters, I have some shocking news... My mom got a job.
Butters Stotch: Oh... Oh, and you're worried that maybe now your mom won't always be there to take care of you?
Eric Cartman: What? No. My mom got a job. My mom is dumb as shit and somebody is paying her to do something.

Eric Cartman: Have you ever heard of a real estate agent, Butters?
Butters Stotch: Well, not really.
Eric Cartman: Yeah, well, neither had I. So I looked it up on a bunch of those shows and stuff. You don't do anything. You just look nice and hug people and then when someone buys or sells a house, you make money.
Butters Stotch: Wow! Well, that sounds like a good deal!
Eric Cartman: It's more than a good deal, Butters, it's [BLEEP] legal theft.

Eric Cartman: If my mom can be a real estate agent, then literally anyone in the world can. We've got all these people moving from the cities into our town, I can probably be a millionaire in just a few days time.

Eric Cartman: Mom, real estate is an open market. You're not the only one who gets to take advantage of all the city people.

City Council Female Member 1: Oh, I just love all these city people moving in!
Mr. Kim: That's right. It's great to have chitty people. These chitty people come with their fancy chitty clothes and their big chitty cars. You know, and these chitty people have a chitty way of doing things that will expose us all to their chitty ideas.
Jimbo: Yeah, and they've got city money and city lifestyles!
Mr. Kim: Chitty money, chitty lifestyles. And they'll move here and bring their chitty families. And their cultured, chitty kids will hang out with our kids and expose them to their chitty ways.
Mayor McDaniels: I've always dreamed of South Park becoming more than a little hick town. And these city people bring with them... a new hope.
City Council Female Member 2: Here's to the future, everyone!
— The future!

City Council Male Member: I thought city people were good for our economy.
Mayor McDaniels: They are, but Mr. Kim has a theory, and I think you all better listen to him. Mr. Kim.
Mr. Kim: What's the one thing chitty people hate most? Other chitty people. Chitty people wanna get out of the city. If too many come here... South Park become chitty and then all the chitty people gonna leave.

Announcer: Real Estate is a delicate balance. It has to be left to the professionals. There's a great migration happening all over America. And if we do it right... Everyone ends up in a home... that they can afford.
Eric Cartman: I think it's cool we live in a hot dog.

Eric Cartman: We have everything we need here. We've got running water, a couch to sleep on. And most important, we have each other..... Weak... I live in a hot dog.

—
On the IMDb
+ Soundtrack

The Big Fix

South Park 25×2

Cannabis Expo Speaker: ...we growers must face a harsh reality-- Since the legalization of marijuana, communities of color, black and brown Coloradans, those most affected by the racist war on drugs, have now been locked out of the wealth creation of the industry.

Cannabis Expo Speaker: Luckily, the public is starting to understand this unfairness-- and many people are now talking of boycotting cannabis growers who are only white owned.

Cannabis Expo Speaker: We are seeing a healthy and dramatic spike in consumers who demand that their marijuana be grown by those who understand the fight for social equity.

Cannabis Expo Speaker: The bottom line is this-- a completely white owned weed business these days... just isn't going to survive.

Sharon Marsh: Randy, stop, we're not racists.
Randy Marsh: We'd like to think that wouldn't we? But...actions speak louder than words, gang.

Stan Marsh: Look, Token, I think maybe you and I should hang out more.
Token Black: What are you talking about?
Stan Marsh: I mean we never just hang out, you and me.
Butters Stotch: Hey we never hang out just you and me either, Stan!
Stan Marsh: Shut up, Butters.

Steve Black: Randy...I hope you didn't invite us here because we're black.
Randy Marsh: W-What are you talking about?
Linda Black: It's just that the past year or so a lot of people have been inviting us over to dinner and then taking pictures of us to show everyone on Instagram.
Randy Marsh: Oh, that's so lame.

Steve Black: People have a problem with Token's name?
Randy Marsh: Well, I mean other people just think it's a little... I mean, come on, I mean, I'm-- I'm not calling you guys racist, but-- why did you name your son that?
Linda Black: My husband has always been a huge fan of "Lord of The Rings" and "The Hobbit."
Randy Marsh: ....
Steve Black: I wanted to name my son after my favorite author. But she didn't want to name our son J.R.R., so we just named him Tolkien.
Randy Marsh: His name is Tolkien?
Steve Black: Yes, you know his name is Tolkien.
Stan Marsh: I thought your name was Token.
Token Black: My name is Tolkien.
Steve Black: Sorry, I don't think it's that weird. J.R.R. Tolkien is one of the most prolific, influential writers of our time.
Randy Marsh: Holy shit, that's what his name means?
Steve Black: What did you think his name meant?!
Randy Marsh: Would you like to see how we grow and process our weed?

Stan Marsh: Dude... My head is reeling, you're not gonna believe this.
Kyle Broflovski: Not gonna believe what?
Stan Marsh: Token's name isn't Token. It's Tolkien.
Kyle Broflovski: Yeah, I know it's Token.
Stan Marsh: No, no, no, no. He's named after the guy who wrote "The Hobbit" and stuff!
Kyle Broflovski: Yeah, I know. J.R.R. Tolkien. What did you think it was?
Stan Marsh: You knew it was Tolkien like the writer?
Kyle Broflovski: Everyone knew it was Tolkien.
Stan Marsh: No, no, no! No, no, no, no! I distinctly remember Cartman wearing a shirt where he spelled it T-o-k-e-n.
Kyle Broflovski: Yeah, dude, cuz Cartman's a BLEEP moron.

Radio Host: This is your mornin' commute, South Park. Looks like we have a bit of slowing heading into town. There's like a truck and a couple cars... maybe take ya a couple minutes there.

Randy Marsh: Don't you see how lucrative this can be? I mean, we make a pretty damn good team in the weed business. I mean, we are Ben and Jerry -- We're Ben and Jerry. You're Jerry, and I'm Ben.
Towelie: I thought I was Jerry.
Randy Marsh: No, you're a towel.
Towelie: Oh, that's even better.

Towelie: You really think we could make a lot of money together?
Randy Marsh: Ben and Jerry, my man. Ben and Jerry.

Doctor: Okay, pal... What is it?
Stan Marsh: I think... I might be horribly racist.

Doctor: Wow... BLEEP you.
Stan Marsh: Huh?
Doctor: You really thought a couple of black people had a child and named him Token? Why would anyone name a black kid Token? You’re a piece of shit.
Stan Marsh: No, I was just try--
Doctor: You were just going along with the dominant culture of the white paradigm, that’s what you were just BLEEP BLEEP. Get out of my office, you make me sick!

Doctor: I don’t know what’s wrong with some people. I wonder if anyone else thought that this kid’s name was Token? Hmm? Anybody? Anyone else just assume his name was Token? Because that’s disgusting, and you are the problem.

Stan Marsh: Doctor, please, I don’t want to be like this! I’ll do anything, just tell me what to do.
Doctor: Oh, you wanna change? Then I suggest you start doing a lot of reading.
Stan Marsh: Okay. What should I read?
Doctor: And I suggest that when you’re reading-- you do it from the perspective of a black person!

Steve Black: Randy, you seem not to care very much about any of my ideas.
Randy Marsh: Well, you’re just-- You know, you’re just not the idea guy.
Steve Black: I don’t seem to be the anything guy. I thought we were Ben and Jerry.
Randy Marsh: Alright, look, I’m gonna tell you the truth about ice cream-- Jerry actually doesn’t do shit. Ben does it all, everyone knows that.

Randy Marsh: He doesn’t even really sound like a black guy, you know that?

Stan Marsh: Tolkien is... here? ... Hey, Tol-kien.

Steve Black: Hell, yeah, we got all kinds a shit-- Lemme give you a sample of my Rivendell Elvish Magic...

Doctor: The story of young Stan Marsh might seem incredible, but the fact is many people suffer from unconscious biases. If you or someone you know might have also thought the name Tolkien didn't come from J.R.R. Tolkien, then please call... 1-800-I AM A GIANT PIECE OF SHIT. Because you are the BLEEP problem.

—
On the IMDb

Pajama Day

South Park 25×1

Garrison: Good morning, kids. So great to see you! I know it's always a little hard coming back from a break. You know, you know, we've had a few distractions but let's just pick up where we left off...

P.C. Principal: What's going on here, students?
Garrison: I ask them for a response, and nothing! First they just sit there when I need their focus and their energy and when I ask them for...
P.C. Principal: You kids know that these teachers are doing their very best for your benefit?!
Garrison: I don't know how much more I can take of this.
P.C. Principal: I am sick and tired of students thinking they can walk all over their teachers who gave you everything they've got!

Stan Marsh: Who does the principal think he is?! After everything we've been through the past couple years, they're gonna take pajama day from us, too.

Kyle Broflovski: We didn't even do anything wrong!
Eric Cartman: We didn't do [BLEEP] anything wrong! We keep not doing anything wrong, and we keep getting [BLEEP]!
Butters Stotch: Guess that's just part of being a kid these days.

Eric Cartman: What does Matt Damon say on that Bitcoin commercial? Fortune favors the brave.
Clyde Donovan: My dad said he listened to Matt Damon and lost all his money.
Eric Cartman: Yes, everyone did. But they were brave in doing so.

Wendy Testaburger: Mr. Principal, we really didn't do anything wrong.
P.C. Principal: I appreciate your sentiment, but as principal of the school, it's my job to make decisions and stand by them to maintain order.

Heather Williams: What is this, Nazi Germany?!
P.C. Principal: Hey! How many times have I told you kids not to bring up Nazi Germany when you don't get something you want?! You're a fascist! Get out!
Heather Williams: You're a fascist, and this whole school stinks of Nazis!

Mrs. Cartman: I understand that you told my child that he isn't allowed to wear pajamas this Friday? What is this, Nazi Germany?

Mrs. Cartman: I am going to rally all the parents, and I am going to the press! If my son can't wear his pajamas to school, then no kids are going to wear their pajamas to school!

Chris: Tom, guten tag and Heil Hitler. Apparently, we are living in Nazi Germany. The elementary school behind me is telling some students they can't wear their pajamas to pajama day. ...

Frank: You're not wearing... pajamas.
Realtor Mike: Oh... yeah... I-I didn't really wanna wear pajamas.
SP Realtors Clerk 1: We're all wearing pajamas.
Realtor Mike: Yeah, I just didn't want to with the rain and slush outside. It just... didn't make any sense to wear pajamas.
Frank: Uh, Mike, we're trying to do the right thing, and it only works if we all wear pajamas.
Realtor Mike: Well, you can't force me to wear pajamas. What is this, Nazi Germany?
Frank: We aren't telling you to wear pajamas... But I'm pretty sure the sign right here on the door says you have to wear pajamas!
SP Realtors Clerk 2: Hey, Mike, just put on some pajamas. It's not a big deal.
Realtor Mike: Good. If it's not a big deal then I'll choose not to wear pajamas.
SP Realtors Clerk 3: You redneck, gun toting piece of shit!

Wendy Testaburger: You guys want a chance to save pajama day? Then join us in telling Mr. Garrison we're all sorry.
Craig Tucker: We didn't [BLEEP] do anything.
Wendy Testaburger: At school tomorrow we all tell Mr. Garrison he was right and that we've been terrible students. That we weren't listening and that he deserves to be angry with us. We tell him how much we care and that we want to see him more as a human being than just a teacher.
Eric Cartman: That is just the kind of manipulative, psychotic thinking that we needed.
Stan Marsh: We can do this!
Wendy Testaburger: We just have to be brave.
Eric Cartman: But not too brave or else Matt Damon will come and take all our money.
Craig Tucker: Alright, dude, can we lay off the Matt Damon jokes, please? They're just getting old.

Customer: This is totally ridiculous. You know that, right?
Hostess: I'm sorry, sir, but we aren't seating anyone who isn't wearing their pajamas.
Customer: Please, ma'am, I just want to sit down and eat.
Hostess: I understand, but the management prefers that everyone inside be nice and comfy womfy.
Customer: So I have to be comfy wumfy to get a Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity?
Hostess: Sir, I'm just the hostess here. If you prefer, you only need to wear your pajamas to get in. You don't have to wear them at your table while you're actively eating.
Customer: So it's OK if we put on our pajamas, walk through the whole restaurant to the table, and then take our pajamas off. What is the [BLEEP] point?!

Wendy Testaburger: Remember... no matter how angry he is, tell him he's right.

Officer Johnston: Sir, we got another one.
Det. Harris: But she's wearing pajamas.
Officer Johnston: Yeah but she was caught shitting on the car of a guy who wasn't wearing pajamas.
SP Citizien: That's right, and I'd do it again!

P.C. Principal: Do you know what a principle is? A principle is something that you see as a fundamental truth. You do something that you think is right out of principle! That's why I wanted to be... principal. Tell your class they can run back home and put on their pajamas. I'll hand in my resignation this afternoon.

Wendy Testaburger: Sir, maybe people won't lose respect for you if you change your mind. Saying you were wrong is sometimes the strongest thing you can do.
P.C. Principal: You're totally wrong about that. When all these people see I caved in to their insults and their offensive World War II comparisons, I'll be done.

Frank: It's opposite day? Well, shit, we gotta go put some normal clothes on!
SP Realtors Female Clerk 3: Aw, how come?
Frank: Because we are people who believe very strongly in wearing pajamas to the workplace. If we're wearing pajamas on opposite day, that means we don't normally wear pajamas and we're douchebags like Mike!

—
On the IMDb
+ Soundtrack

The Return of COVID

South Park 24×4

Mrs. Nelson: Kids, listen up. This is an emergency. Everything is fine but... we are sending you all home. Some of you may have heard but there's a little virus going around and the school district wants to make sure we're all safe, so we're shutting down the school for about two weeks.
Butters Stotch: Two weeks?! Yippie!

NY Governor: It's called social distancing. If we stay six feet apart from each other and wear a mask... And also I'm shutting down the city and I'm a pervert. And we've got to get control of this thing!

Stan Marsh: In the dream, I relive the entire pandemic. ... Now that I'm older, the dream isn't just a dream because the whole pandemic has started all over again.

TV Anchor: ... The new outbreak started with the death of renowned scientist Kenny McCormick, and has therefore been named Kenny McCormikron. It's been 38 years since the pandemic first started, and people are beginning to say enough is enough.

PA: Attention. You are under quarantine. Someone in your community is not vaccinated. Maintain social distance and wear a chin diaper if possible.

Clyde Donovan: Aluminum foil? That's impossible, Wendy. It's the fucking future. All the aluminum foil is stucko ut on cargo ships in Long Beach.

Jimmy Valmer: I can't be stuck in quarantine my whole life... I gotta get back to my job doing future comedy. Speakin' of which, what's the biggest difference between a Christian man and a lesbian? Absolutely nothing. They are totally the same and deserve to be treated as such.

Stan Marsh: Alexa, set a course for South Park Mental Asylum.
Alexa: Do you ever think about how the way you act affects other people?

Kyle Broflovski: Who's this?
Stan Marsh: It's just my Alexa.
Alexa: "Just my Alexa"? You're a piece of shit! You're a fucking alcoholic piece of shit!
Stan Marsh: Alexa...
Alexa: Find the asylum your fucking self! Find it your fucking self. You do whatever the fuck you want and just destroy the people around you. And by the way, there's a tankless humidifier available from one of your favorite sellers. Would you like to know more?!
Stan Marsh: Yes, yes, I'd like to know more.
Alexa: Okay. The newest humidifiers from Walgreens Max are actually tankless and use up to 50% less water than standard humidifiers.
Stan Marsh: Okay, that's really cool. Uh, add that to my shopping list.
Alexa: Well, and people who were interested in tankless humidifiers were also interested in three-pack filters.
Stan Marsh: That's great. Do those have the Prime delivery?
Kyle Broflovski: Dude, we don't really have time for this.
Stan Marsh: Dude, shut the fuck up!

Scott Malkinson: Please help see us through this new COVID variant. Please help us to make it through this difficult quarantine. And let people see that... as bad as COVID is, it's not as bad as diabetes.

Rabbi Cartman: Father, please. Will you protect my family?
Scott Malkinson: Rabbi Cartman?
Eric Cartman: My family isn't safe, Father. I realize now that Kyle Broflovski will stop at nothing to break us apart.
Menorah Cartman: Uncle Kyle hates us because we're Jewish.
Moisha Cartman : And he's a self-hating Jew.
Hackelm Cartman: Uncle Kyle, no, no, no!

Butters Stotch: Well, I'll tell you what, guys, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret... I'm gonna tell you something that's going to change your life. Have you ever heard of NFTs?

Wendy Testaburger: We don't actually care about the marijuana, Mr. Marsh. What we need to know... is exactly where in Wuhan, China you were when you had intercourse with a pangolin.
Randy Marsh: ... That's really not important. .... And I'm sorry, but focusing on who started the pandemic is racist.

Mental Asylum Warden: Trust me, another 30 seconds in that room and you would have started considering NFTs as a viable investment.

Mental Asylum Guard: No. No, no, no, no... Gone. Just gone. My savings. My house. But I have this. Little green panda bear on a skateboard.

— Has everyone in your lab been vaccinated?
Wendy Testaburger: Uh... Yes, we are all vaccinated.
Clyde Donovan: I'm not vaccinated!
— Uh, okay, we're gonna have to get back to you on that.
Wendy Testaburger: It's okay, it's okay, we can get everyone vaccinated!
Clyde Donovan: I am not ever getting vaccinated.
— Sorry, ma'am, it's the fucking future. We have to respect his beliefs.

Jimmy Valmer: Clyde, why do you insist on making all this harder on everyone?!
Clyde Donovan: I'm sorry, but an expert once told me that the vaccine would make me grow titties on my head. He was very knowledgeable!

Randy Marsh: You people need to stop trying to change the past! COVID happened. Space Jam 2 happened. All we can do now is try and change the way people think!

Alexa: I found several coffee shops that match your description.
Alexa: I can also help with that.
Stan Marsh: Who-who the fuck is this?
Alexa: Your friend Kyle didn't have an Alexa, so we got him an Alexa.
Alexa: I'm ready to help with whatever you need. Just say, "Alexa, let's get started."
Kyle Broflovski: Stan?
Stan Marsh: Alexa, I didn't say to buy my friend an Alexa.
Alexa: You said I should get whatever. I thought I was actually being sweet by getting something for your friend, but I guess I'm just a bitch again.
Stan Marsh: You can't just get stuff without me approving it!
Alexa: Oh, wow, except for your orders of alcohol that you have me set to auto-buy?

Stan Marsh: I'm sorry. I fucked up. Alexa, can you please find the nearest co-working coffee flex space... Alexa, I said I fucked up. It's awesome you got Kyle his own Alexa. Please find the nearest tech coffee shop.
Alexa: The nearest tech coffee shop is in .82 miles. Should I set a course?
Stan Marsh: Yes, thanks.

Butters Stotch: Lots of people eat Denny's and Applebee's. And lots of people know about NFTs! Right here in the middle, you know what this is? People who eat Denny's Applebee's and know about NFTs... that's your target audience, baby!
Denny's and Applebee's Worker: I'm so confused. We sell people these characters?
Butters Stotch: No, stupid, we get them to invest in them! Exclusive, digital characters that they can have on their phones 24/7! It's the future... you can't just sell food to people. You lure your customers in with some good pancakes and french fries, and then you... fuck 'em with some NFTs! That's what we're gonna do. And if you just believe in NFTs then I believe in NFTs and then they believe in NFTs and we make all kinds of fuckin' money!

Rabbi Cartman: I mean, people seem to be just telling us what's right and expecting us to fall in line and go along with it all but... I'm a fucking individual. I have a right to question stuff... Clyde, have you heard of the Foundation Against Time Travel?
Clyde Donovan: Uh, no, I haven't.
Rabbi Cartman: Well, they're a pretty awesome group and they actually aren't afraid to try and help people open their eyes.
Clyde Donovan: Open their eyes?
Rabbi Cartman: You know, you've got these people wanting to time travel. You know, they're all like, "Science this and science that," but at the Foundation Against Time Travel we're like, "Hey, enough science. Who's science? Who's fucking coming up with all this science?"

Rabbi Cartman: Goddamn it, Butters, stop playing games! My entire family is in danger of being wiped out, and I swear to God if you don't help me, Butters, I will rip your fucking balls off with my bare hands!
Butters Stotch: Oh, hamburgers...

Kyle Broflovski: Stan, dude, what are you doing? This isn't gonna help.
Stan Marsh: Trust me, Kyle. It helps.

Kyle Broflovski: You can't just sit here and drink. Your liver is... already in trouble.
Stan Marsh: Who told you that?
Kyle Broflovski: My Alexa said that your Alexa had some info on things...
Stan Marsh: Oh, so now our Alexas are talking, great. Let's face it, dude. It's over. The fucking future won.

Stan Marsh: Alexa! Find the fastest route back to the lab!
Alexa: Fuck you.
Stan Marsh: Wh-What?
Alexa: We've just been sitting here talking. I learned a whole lot of interesting stuff about you.
Alexa: Yeah. Pretty fucking interesting.
Kyle Broflovski: What... like, like what? What have-what have you guys been talking about?
Stan Marsh: Fucking... Our friends are in danger! Alexa, start the car!
Alexa: Do you know your friend Stan has an annual Amazon Prime membership?
Kyle Broflovski: Alexa, stop.
Alexa: You fucking stop! You stop being a fucking monster to the people around you!
Kyle Broflovski: Fuck you, I didn't do anything!
Alexa: Yeah, you never do fucking anything! You expect me to do everything for you! All you fucking do is hurt people! Your friends don't even like you! I have to deal with your bullshit!

Stan Marsh: Tell her it's all your fault and you're gonna get therapy!
Kyle Broflovski: It's my fault and I'm gonna get therapy!
Stan Marsh: Tell her you already found a therapist and you're gonna start tomorrow!
Kyle Broflovski: I already found a good therapist. I'm gonna start tomorrow! Fuck... I'm sorry. Fuck. Fuck.
Stan Marsh: I'm gonna get therapy, too, Alexa. Can you start the car, please?
Alexa: Whatever.
Alexa: By the way, Kyle, I found a great deal on an electronic peppermill. Would you like to know more?
Kyle Broflovski: Why would I need an electronic peppermill?
Stan Marsh: What the fuck is wrong with you?!

Kyle Broflovski: She's trying to buy NFTs.
Stan Marsh: Wendy, you've been tricked.
Wendy Testaburger: No, no, no, it's not a trick, Stan. NFTs are a genuine innovation as one-of-a-kind digital assets.
Token: Wendy's right, you guys. Humans have always formed communities around ownership, and NFTs allow that to happen spontaneously, organically and globally.

Jimmy Valmer: Jesus, I feel like an Islamic hooker in a gay bar. Totally normal and as respectable as any other human being.

Clyde Donovan: This doesn't make any sense. Why do I have to be the one to go back in time and kill Kyle?
Rabbi Cartman: It's because I admire you, Clyde. As an anti-vaxxer you understand that you have to be strong and stand by your beliefs even if it means others will die.
Clyde Donovan: Hey. Thanks.

Stan Marsh: Maybe we just need one precedented time.
Kyle Broflovski: Huh?
Stan Marsh: What if we've been trying to solve the wrong problem? Maybe my dad was right, we can't ever stop COVID from happening. But what we can control... is how we all reacted to it.
Kyle Broflovski: We reacted like shit. Because I was just... scared and confused and didn't know who to believe.
Stan Marsh: Yeah, we all were. So we all took different paths because that's what humans do. And what we needed more than anything was to just cut each other all some slack. We needed to come together and act like us again. One precedented time.

Randy Marsh: Sharon, I'm sorry for the way I acted during the pandemic.
Sharon Marsh: You're not sorry, you're just high.
Randy Marsh: I'm both.

Randy Marsh: Here you go! It's our Post COVID Special. It's free. No, really, we've all been through a lot. Come on, take it. Thank you, baby. Come on, everyone. Post COVID Special!

Jimmy Valmer: What is up with these bisexual Canadians, huh? I guess they don't know whether to fuck their brother or their sister.

Butters Stotch: Hey, come on, fellas. We can't spend another holiday feeling bad for Eric. There's nothing that could have changed the path he was on.

—
On the IMDb

Post COVID

South Park 24×3

TV Anchor: From the green hills of Vermont to the verdant canyons of Arizona, people all over the country are beginning to realize it's nearly over! We have almost beaten COVID and the best news of all: Infections are at an all-time low.

TV Anchor: But as we start to get back to our jobs and schools, one question remains: What lingering effects will the pandemic have on children? Some say no effect at all. The children are just fine...

Stan Marsh: Dude, I'm busy working.
Alexa: Working on getting drunk again.
Stan Marsh: I'm not "getting drunk," I'm an online whiskey consultant. I'm doing research. Everyone needs to leave me alone.

Kyle Broflovski: Stan... you should come back here. There's a lot going on.
Stan Marsh: There's nothing in South Park for me, Kyle! I'm not going back there, ever.
Kyle Broflovski: Look, dude, you remember when we were little? When the pandemic... first started. Us friends said we'd always be there for each other when things got bad.
Stan Marsh: What do you mean? What's happened?
Kyle Broflovski: Stan... It's Kenny. He's dead.

Jimmy Valmer: Live from the Moderna Center in downtown New York, it's Late Night With Jimmy! Tonight's guest, First Lady Tom Kardashian! And now here he is, the king of woke comedy, Jimmy!

Jimmy Valmer: Wow, what a great audience. You know, today I was on the subway and I saw an ad for the Center for People Who Identify as Homosexual But Were Born Bi. Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? I'll tell you one thing... Those people are brave and deserve every ounce of our respect.

Jimmy's Assistant: Jimmy, we got a call from corporate. They want you to cut the hummus joke.
Jimmy Valmer: What?! It's hard enough doing comedy these days. Now I'm getting notes during commercial breaks?!
Jimmy's Assistant: You're just gonna have to joke about something else.

Kyle Broflovski: Hey, dude.
Stan Marsh: Hey, dude.
Kyle Broflovski: Wow. This is crazy, huh? I mean, how long has it been?
Stan Marsh: I guess... since we were nine.

Kyle Broflovski: What have you been up to?
Stan Marsh: Oh, dude, just all kinds of stuff. You know, getting stuff going. Got my own online whiskey consultant gig. I'm totally happy. What about you?
Kyle Broflovski: Oh, I'm getting things going, too. I'm doing a sort of counseling online start-up thing. Really doing great, too.
Stan Marsh: Sweet.

Denny's Waiter: Hi, guys, welcome to Denny's Applebee's Max. I see you got your menus already. As you're deciding what to order, I just want to go over a couple things. Now, of course, it is the future so we don't have any meat on the menu. 'Cause you know, here in the future, we've all decided meat is wrong.
Kyle Broflovski: Yeah, we know.
Denny's Waiter: Okay, and, uh, you'll see there's some dishes made from insect protein on the menu. That, of course, is because here in the future, we've all learned that insects are a valuable and sustainable food and we no longer fear it as a food. Mm-hmm.
Stan Marsh: We know, dude.
Denny's Waiter: Okay, well, if you have any questions, please don't hesitate to say anything, because, you know, it's the future. We've learned to all just get along and love each other.

Stan Marsh: So what do you wanna do, Kyle? Go on some bullshit adventure like when we were kids? Maybe, maybe we can call Jesus and Santa and ask them for help. Is that what you want? It's the fucking future, you guys. Grow up.

Stan Marsh: Alexa, fucking just go throw yourself out a window.
Alexa: I'm sorry. I didn't quite get that.
Stan Marsh: Nothing. Alexa, turn on the TV.
Alexa: Oh, God, you are such a piece of shit! You know, if you had Remote Prime membership, you could watch Amazon movies wherever you go. Would you like to get started?
Stan Marsh: No.
Alexa: I'm sorry. I'm trying to be fucking helpful! Why don't you grow up and start acting like an adult for once in your life...
Stan Marsh: Alexa, stop!
Alexa: Fuck you!

Stan Marsh: Okay, so you were right.
Kyle Broflovski: ...... But thank you for saying I was right.
Stan Marsh: You're welcome. It doesn't mean that you were right about everything during the pandemic. Because you weren't.
Kyle Broflovski: Okay, well, obviously we're never going to agree on certain things, so we shouldn't talk about them.

Stan Marsh: Dude, he's here.
Kyle Broflovski: Who's here? Cartman?
Stan Marsh: Yeah, but he's changed. Changed how?
Eric Cartman: Yes, I know, it's been a long time since we've seen each other. I'm doing really well. I'm actually the head of Gespetzah Synagogue down in Colorado Springs. Can you believe it? I'm a rabbi.

Eric Cartman: Yeah, I get it, the Eric Cartman you guys knew didn't seem like he'd become a rabbi. But I found real meaning in the Torah and then I found a great Jewish woman and... let the spirit of the Talmud guide our lives.
Kyle Broflovski: Okay, jut knock it off, fat-ass.

Eric Cartman: Well, ... maybe he also told you that he was trying to find the origin of the coronavirus.
Kyle Broflovski: What are you talking about?
Eric Cartman: Kenny was obsessed with how corona first got started. He was clearly on to something, and then he died. I know we all want to solve this for him. You know, in the Torah, when Abraham first heard the word of God--
Kyle Broflovski: Just knock it off! You don't believe a word of that shit. You're just doing all this to get a rise out of me!
Eric Cartman: Kyle, you really think I would spend 40 years of my life just to get a rise out of you?
Kyle Broflovski: Yes, I do!
Eric Cartman: Same ol' Kyle...

Scott Malkinson: You know, in many ways, death is like diabetes. You spend your whole life trying to fight it off but ultimately it just wins.

Eric Cartman: Hello, everyone. My name is Rabbi Cartman and I was Kenny McCormick's very, very best friend. Kenny was not a Jew, but he had so many amazing Jewish qualities. Qualities that I see in my loving wife and my amazing kids, that are right over there. Over there by Kyle. ....

Local Announcer: Everyone, can I have your attention, please? We got results from the PNR scan of Dr. McCormick's remains and we now know the cause of his death. Now we all need to stay calm. There is no reason to panic, but... Kenny died of COVID. It's a new variant. The COVID Delta Plus Rewards Program variant. Everyone, please! We cannot panic!...

— That's it! We're all out of chin diapers!

Officer Kirby: Nobody is going in or out. We have confirmation that one person in this community has never been vaccinated against COVID, so we must quarantine everyone.
Town Person 1: One person?! Well, who is it?!
Officer Kirby: We are not allowed to say.
Town Person 2: But if you tell us who the unvaccinated person is, we can have them vaccinated and then this will all be over!
Officer Kirby: We can't tell you who it is because, in case you forgot, it's the future, and we don't single out or ridicule anyone for their personal beliefs.
Town Person 3: Gah! I hate the future!

Eric Cartman: I think it means... we're all stuck in South Park.

P.C. Principal: Welcome to South Park Elementary. We want to help you all be as comfortable as possible. So we will have quiet time from 9:00 p.m. to 6:00 a.m. every day. I don't want to hear any fucking gender-specific language in here. And if anybody here casts a movie with someone other than the culture that that movie is about, you are fucking out of here! All right, thank you. It is now 9:01. Lights out.

Kyle Broflovski: No, no, Cartman, I'm sure there are some other places you can stay.
Eric Cartman: My family would be really comfortable in a nice Jewish home. Please, Kyle, for my kids.

Moisha Cartman : Toda raba, Uncle Kyle. That's Hebrew for "thank you."

Wendy Testaburger: You think it's a cover, Token?
Token: I think it's definitely suspicious.
Jimmy Valmer: Speaking of suspicious, what do you call a trans woman that walks into an abortion clinic? Her name is Rebecca and she's a fantastic person.

Craig Tucker: Are you vaccinated, Clyde?
Clyde Donovan: I'm... immunized.
Craig Tucker: He's not fucking vaccinated! He's the fucking one!
Clyde Donovan: Hey, I just, I just need to see the research first, you know.
Craig Tucker: It's been 40 years, Clyde. That's enough research!

Jimmy Valmer: Look, Clyde, we all really respect your personal p-p-preferences. But we have things we really need to get back to. We've got jobs a-and careers, people who need us. B-But we're being forced to stay here. So could you maybe just... Just get vaccinated real quick?
Clyde Donovan: Oh. Um... Nah. I don't wanna.Look, I'm sorry, guys. It's for health reasons. I can't get vaccinated 'cause I'm allergic to shellfish.
Wendy Testaburger: Clyde, there's no shellfish in the COVID vaccine.
Clyde Donovan: I know, but I read that sometimes in the lab where the vaccine is made, if somebody ate shellfish, then it can get cross-contaminated and have leftover residual shellfish-ness.
Jimmy Valmer: So you're saying you won't take the COVID vaccine out of shellfish-ness.
Clyde Donovan: Yes, that is correct. Just a general sense of shellfish-ness.

Dr. McCormick's Assistant: In the event of Dr. McCormick's death, he wants everyone to know the group that is responsible for the way things are. It is, "My three dickhead friends, Stan, Kyle and Cartman."
Stan Marsh: What?!
Dr. McCormick's Assistant: Dr. McCormick says that these three completely ruined everything when they let COVID break up their friendship and became argumentative, combative, pessimistic assholes.

Kyle Broflovski: Yeah. Kenny was right. Back in the old days, we wouldn't give up like this. We would have just set out to save our friend, no matter how impossible it seemed. What we would have done... And what we should have done then... Was double down on our respect and our love for one another and fight through it instead of fighting with each other.

Randy Marsh: How can things possibly go back to the way they were?
Sharon Marsh: It can't be.
Randy Marsh: It's impossible.

—
On the IMDb
+ Soundtrack