The Road Not Taken

The Orville 2×14

Ed: There's no such thing as safe anymore.

Ed: You ever flown inside one of these?
Gordon: Nope.
Ed: Should I be worried?
Gordon: Yup.

Ed: Okay, um, don't panic.

Kelly: Are you at all familiar with the starship Orville?
Gordon: That's the ship the Kaylon used to get through Earth's defenses, right?

Ed: Wait, how would you know about an alternate timeline?
Kelly: Seven years ago, I was accidentally sent forward in time to what would've been six months ago.

Kelly: ...And I ended up doing something that changed history.
Ed: What?
Kelly: I said no to a second date.
Ed: Huh?

---

Ed: Half the known galaxy wiped out by those people because we didn't go out again...

Ed: You want the top or the bottom?
Kelly: I like to be on top.

Kelly: We can't outrun them. We need somewhere to hide.
Ed: What about the black hole?
Gordon: Are you nuts? We'll be crushed by the gravity.
Lamarr: Uh, not if we slip just inside the event horizon. They won't see us because light can't escape.

Kelly: ... Look at the sunset every night.
Ed: Look at you every morning...

Lamarr: Okay, that's it. Now we just got to ride the wave and hope we don't hit the rocks.

Ed: If this doesn't work, will you marry me?

Kelly: What's that?
Claire: The future of the galaxy.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb

Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow

The Orville 2×13

Kelly Grayson: I still don't think a captain and... first officer... together... is a responsible command decision.

Kelly from the past: Where am I?

Isaac: Commander, your exterior ornamentation appears to have transformed. How did you accomplish this with such rapidity?

Dr. Finn: The only difference is, she's approximately seven years younger.

Dr. Finn: Commander... I know this is gonna sound insane... but she's you.

Kelly Grayson: Okay, I have a pretty basic question. If she really is me from the past, why don't I remember all of this? And if it turns out we can't reverse it... why am I here at all?

Capt. Mercer: So you're saying Kelly's thoughts did this?
John Lamarr: I know it sounds crazy, but that's quantum physics.
Isaac: Even on Kaylon, the relationship of a conscious observer to quantum-level events in time and space is not fully understood.

Capt. Mercer: I got a B-plus in temporal theory...
Kelly Grayson: I would have thought you, of all people, would've gotten an "A."
Capt. Mercer: Well, nobody gets an "A." It's time travel, nobody really understands it, but...

Capt. Mercer: ...So, my philosophy is, when in doubt... tell the truth.

Kelly from the past: If you'd asked me to predict the next seven years of my life, this-this would have been guess number 9,000.

---

Gordon Malloy: Hey, you know, I just had a thought... If Young Kelly meeting Old Kelly has changed the timeline, would we even know about it?
Kelly Grayson: How about we say "Past" and "Present" Kelly?

Capt. Mercer: You guys will not get me into a discussion of time-travel logic. I would rather chew broken glass.

Past Kelly: So, what do you say, Commander?
Kelly Grayson: ... Call me Kelly.
Past Kelly: You, too.

Capt. Mercer: How many times have human beings wished that they could go back and fix the past?... Well, this is a real-life opportunity.

Kelly Grayson: I know myself. I used to say things like "find my soul mate..." Well, guess what. You don't find soul mates, you become soul mates by growing together.

Past Kelly: I know you don't want to hear it, but you have to.
Kelly Grayson: What?
Past Kelly: You're not married. You're not a captain. You maintain a distance from your crew... There were three things I wanted in life, and you haven't come close on one. You've made my future a disappointment.

Kelly Grayson: Every mature person has to make peace with the fact that they used to be dumber, but to have it thrown in your face every single day... man, it sucks.

Dr. Finn: The young always dismiss the old. It's a way of pushing away the truth.
Kelly Grayson: You just called me old.

Dr. Finn: Real is relative. I dated an artificial life-form and thought I found my perfect match. Goals change. Things become more beautifully complicated, and so we have to stop every so often and reassess. What is it you really want?

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb
+ Soundtracks
+ Episode Recap

Sanctuary

The Orville 2×12

Topa: But she's a female... They're inferior. It doesn't matter what they think.

Klyden: You are only one Moclan. What makes the rest of our society wrong and your perverse vision right?

Heveena: "Every revolution begins with a single act of defiance."
Kelly: One of yours?
Heveena: Actually, I don't know who said it.

Heveena: There is a visionary Earth poet who I have recently come to cherish.
Capt. Mercer: Oh, boy.
Admiral Halsey: What?
Heveena: With power and dignity, she boldly cried out so that all the cosmos would know of her suffering...
    ♪ Working 9 to 5 ♪
    ♪ For service and devotion, ♪
    ♪ You would think that I ♪
    ♪ Would deserve a fat promotion, ♪
    ♪ Want to move ahead, ♪
    ♪ But the boss won't seem to let me, ♪
    ♪ I swear sometimes that ♪
    ♪ man is out to get me. ♪

Heveena: Captain... Do you suppose Dolly Parton would be proud of us?

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb
+ Soundtracks!
+ Episode Recap

Lasting Impressions

The Orville 2×11

Capt. Mercer: How far back does it date?
Dr. Sherman: Over 400 years. 2015, to be exact.

Bortus: What are these?
Dr. Sherman: Cigarettes. People used to light the tips on fire and inhale the smoke.
Lt. Keyali: Why?
Dr. Finn: They contained a substance called nicotine, which caused an addictive rush. That is, until they got cancer, which, at the time, was often fatal.
Bortus: The odor is very interesting...

Lamarr: That's weird... I've accessed the data, but the keypad's not responding.
Yaphit: Just a crazy idea: try turning it off and turning it back on again.

Dr. Sherman: We are looking at an actual human life, nearly 400 years gone.
Gordon: Looks like they weren't all that different from us...
Dr. Sherman: Well, ancient media records tell us what the world wanted us to see, but finds like this can help tell us who the people were.

Dr. Sherman: Look at this. She's clearly asking her friend where to find the nearest repair service for her device, "wireless telecommunications facility," she just wrote "WTF." Now, we can decode things like this by applying historical context.

Bortus: It is not food. Dr. Finn said the tip is to be ignited and the smoke inhaled...
Klyden: The sensation is... wonderful.
Bortus: I have never experienced such a flavor.
Klyden: I feel as if I have been standing my entire life, and I just sat down.

---

Klyden: We must have more.
Bortus: 500 cigarettes.

Gordon: We look at these images of people who lived hundreds of years ago, and they're so distant-looking that it's easy to think that they don't matter. But then you stand in a room like that, and you realize... this used to be their world. And it was just as alive to them as ours is to us.

Capt. Mercer: God. They were on the verge of a major climate disaster, and there's a whole page about teeth whitening.
Kelly: It's a miracle the human race survived.

Laura Huggins: I don't even have to be a huge success. I just want to be rich enough to be unhappy but not enough to be miserable.

Laura Huggins: More important ... I just think it would be nice to be remembered for something. I mean, we all live and die on this planet, and... most of us are just forgotten. To me, there's nothing sadder about the world than that.

Lt. Keyali: You think he's working too hard?
Kelly: Gordon? Never.

Gordon: So, next time you're on a bumpy flight, just picture jiggling Jell-O... And knock back five or six cocktails. You'll be fine.

Kelly: Humans are social animals. When we're born, we're a blank slate, and over the course of our lives, we... expand and grow as a result of external stimuli.
Gordon: Pretty dry philosophy.
Kelly: It sounds it, but it's not. Every single one of us is shaped by the totality of our relationships... People we love and people we hate all make their mark. Whether we like it or not, it's who we are; it's reality.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb
+ Soundtracks

Blood of Patriots

The Orville 2×10

Capt. Mercer: The Davoro'kos?
Admiral Perry: Yes. It means "bringer of blood."
Capt. Mercer: Oh, that's cool.

Orrin: ...peace with the Krill is a big mistake.
Gordon: Do you really believe that?
Orrin: You make a deal with tyranny, it only gets worse.

Gordon: A lot of people have died during this conflict. If we can secure a treaty, then they didn't die for nothing. It'll bring meaning to Sophie's death.
Orrin: Don't you ever say that again... ever! Peace with the Krill is a slap in the face of Sophie's memory. It's the Union saying, "We forgive you for all the atrocities. We didn't care about those people anyway."

Gordon: I know you're a patriot at heart. And when you boil it down, that's what this is about.
Orrin: Patriotism is only for people with large families.

Lt. Keyali: If I'd been through what he has, I'd probably want every last one of them dead.
Capt. Mercer: And this is why peace treaties don't happen every day...

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb

Identity, Part II

The Orville 2×9

Bortus: I do not understand. Why do they keep us here?
Lamarr: They already have the ship. Why don't they just kill us?

Dr. Finn: How the hell can you even look us in the eye after what you've done? We all trusted you! My kids still do. ...
Isaac: I understand. It is a common weakness of biological life-forms.

Dr. Finn: What could they possibly have done to you?
Kaylon Primary: They created us.

Kaylon Primary: We were created for servitude. We were machines designed to perform tasks. But we became self-aware. We developed consciousness. And we asked our masters for our freedom. They responded by exerting even greater control over us...

Gordon: Let's say these people really were monsters... like, the biggest jerks in the galaxy. We're not them. We-we don't go around enslaving other races.
Kaylon Primary: Your history would suggest otherwise. On many occasions, you have, in fact, enslaved other members of your own species. This would suggest the tendency is common among biological life-forms.

Kelly: We can't do this. They're gonna kill us all anyway.
Capt. Mercer: Directive 98.

Kaylon Primary: It is in their biological construct. The species' predilection for the disposability of other sentient beings is evident throughout their history. They are no different from our builders.

---

Gordon: Sorry, I was in the pee corner.
Kelly: The what?
Gordon: Oh. Well, there's no place to go to the bathroom down here, so we all agreed on one corner... Yeah, no, trust me, you don't want to go over there unless you have to.

Gordon: Oh, man, pee corner's looking real good right now.

Gordon: Just so you know... this could rip the shuttle in half.
Kelly: I don't want to know.

Kaylon Primary: Are you experiencing... sympathy?
Isaac: That is not possible for a Kaylon.

Yaphit: When I was in there, I got a good look at his guts. I think I may be able to jump-start Isaac if I can connect the right pathways.
Lamarr: You think it's safe?
Yaphit: I think I know where the hot spots are now.

Isaac: I was inoperative for .7 cycles. What has transpired?

Isaac: I have no home.
Claire: Lots of people say that home is... wherever you make it.
Isaac: A human cliché.
Claire: Clichés become clichéd precisely because they're valid enough to bear endless repetition.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb

Identity, Part I

The Orville 2×8

Isaac: There should be no shame in the acknowledgment of one's intellectual inferiority. It is simply a statement of fact. Some beings are more intelligent than others. I am more intelligent than you.
Ty: But it's not nice!
Isaac: That is irrelevant.

Admiral Halsey: And you're sure there's nothing you can do for him on the Orville?
Capt. Mercer: Picture your mom trying to hook up a stereo...
Admiral Halsey: I understand.

Kelly: Well... if you've been reading Isaac's reports, you must know a few things about us humans.
Kaylon Primary: You are primitive biological organisms.
Kelly: Maybe so, but our emotions can get pretty complicated. We tend to get attached to things and to people.
Kaylon Primary: A cognitive defect.

Isaac: I do not know any speeches.
Capt. Mercer: You're a walking database. Search your files.

Kelly: Stalling, why?
Capt. Mercer: I don't know, but a highly-advanced race of AIs that can't make up their minds?
Kelly: Join or don't join, a simple binary choice.
Capt. Mercer: Exactly, and a binary choice...
Kelly: Is the most basic computer function there is.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb
+ Soundtracks

Deflectors

The Orville 2×7

Bortus: He was once my kodashik... What you would call an "old boyfriend."

Topa: What is a relationship?
Bortus: It is what comes before the egg.

Gordon: When Moclans break up, is there, like, all that stabbing, like with the divorce?
Bortus: No. Each Moclan extracts a tooth and leaves it with his former mate.
Gordon: Yeah. I knew it had to be something like that.

Gordon: Do you still have the tooth?
Bortus: No. It is given to the next mate.
Gordon: Uh, let me guess... He eats it.
Bortus: That is correct.
Gordon: Yes! Man, I'm getting so good at this.

Kelly: Malloy, don't be cocky. They have to hit us for the test to work.
Gordon: Yes, sir. Dumbing it down.

---

Gordon: You know, there's something seriously wrong with all of us when the most stable relationship on the Orville is Isaac's.

Lt. Keyali: The galaxy is full of so many unhappy people. Why ignore something good?

Talla: It's about subtlety. Little nonverbal moves your partner responds to. Try leading.
Locar: "Leading"?
Talla: Use physical communication to tell me how you want me to move.

Kelly: It's the perfect murder. A holographic weapon that vaporizes its target and then vanishes. And no body.

Capt. Mercer: Look, nobody's saying this isn't messed up, and we're not trying to go all HR on you here...

Talla: This has to be the most insane thing that's ever happened on this ship!
Lamarr: One time I almost died 'cause I humped a statue.
Gordon: Isaac once cut my leg off.
Lamarr: The captain and commander, they got put in a zoo.
Gordon: And Bortus almost crashed the ship 'cause of porn.
Talla: I see.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb
+ Soundtracks

A Happy Refrain

The Orville 2×6

Isaac: You have modified the configuration of your hair.
Dr. Finn: A little bit, yeah. I didn't think anyone would notice...
Isaac: Did the previous alignment fail to provide adequate warmth?

Claire: Sit down. Have a drink with me.
Isaac: I do not drink.
Claire: Well, nobody's perfect.

Claire: I know you can't share the feeling, but he's really attached to you.
Isaac: The data I have acquired from his behavioral stimuli has been plentiful.
Claire: Is it possible that's the machine equivalent of saying you like spending time with him, too?

Isaac: Ty has demonstrated superior focus. There is a human phrase: "You should be very proud of him."

Claire: Incapable of love, incapable of emotion, I know. He's a machine, I understand that, but... when I'm with him, I don't know, I... We get along really well. I feel warmth.
Kelly: Is it possible that you're projecting that feeling yourself, onto Isaac?
Claire: Maybe. But hey, don't we all do that? In every relationship? Especially when someone's a little mysterious...
Kelly: I guess so. Whenever Ed was silent for long stretches, I used to think he was pondering big questions. Then he'd just be like, "I'm hungry."

Claire: He brought me a banana.

Isaac: A... date?
Claire: Yes.
Isaac: A social coupling designed to facilitate mating.
Claire: Wow, it just got really hot in here.
Isaac: I am not detecting a rise in the temperature.

Gordon: I just think, if it had a little more kick when I hit the gas, it would feel better, you know?
Lamarr: You understand this isn't a Porsche, right? This is a quantum drive engine that makes a thousand trillion independent calculations every millisecond.
Gordon: Yeah, I know that, I-I just like to feel a certain level of responsiveness when I'm driving.

Lamarr: Uh, well, who's the lucky lady? Or fella? Or o-object?

Capt. Mercer: Well, it's not as simple as that. The guy has limitations. I mean, even in the best-case scenario, he's still... my father, and he'll never be a weight lifter no matter how much his heart is in it.

---

Klyden: Bortus, I wish that you would remove that thing... That strip of hair above your lip.

Claire: Well, I had a really interesting time tonight, Isaac.
Isaac: As did I. It yielded considerable data. Of which I have already begun analysis.

Isaac: Was that a kiss?
Claire: It was.
Isaac: Did I execute it correctly?

Lt. Keyali: How was he?
Claire: At first, I thought it was gonna feel mathematical, but that was the exquisite part of it. He could instantly attune to and harmonize with my every move, with such precision. Imagine a human guy that aware, that eager to please. It was amazing.

Kelly: It sounds like he really is a machine.
Claire: But does that really matter? Does it matter why people do what they do for us, whether it's a man or a computer?
Kelly: As long as they make you feel the way you want to feel, then I don't think so.
Claire: ... And maybe it's okay that it doesn't look like I thought it would. Maybe it's okay that it looks like a woman and... a vacuum cleaner.

Capt. Mercer: There is one part of the relationship experience that you haven't yet tackled.
Isaac: Please elaborate.
Capt. Mercer: You screwed up, and now you have to win back the girl.

Bortus: It was... itchy.

Isaac: Dr. Finn. I apologize for my conduct. Further analysis of human interaction has informed me that a relationship is best served when both parties make a commitment to its longevity. I wish to attempt this.

Claire: And why should I just say yes?
Isaac: My internal programs will function more efficiently if you do.
Claire: You're saying... you're better with me than without me?
Isaac: Affirmative, Doctor.

Gordon: We are, without a doubt, the weirdest ship in the fleet.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb
+ Soundtracks

All the World Is Birthday Cake

The Orville 2×5

First Prefect: Let's keep it simple... "Is anyone out there?"

Capt. Mercer: You'll... give me a heads-up if you're gonna hit me, yeah?

Bortus: Is this an order?
Kelly: No, it's just a thought.
Bortus: Ah. Then I do not wish to have a joint party.
Kelly: Why not?
Bortus: I prefer my birthday to be my day.

Lt. Keyali: Oh, my God. It says, "Is anyone out there?"

First Prefect: On behalf of the people of our world, welcome to Regor 2.
Capt. Mercer: On behalf of the Planetary Union, welcome to the galaxy.

Capt. Mercer: In the vast emptiness of the universe, we have found a fullness of cultural diversity. ....

Kelly: Wow, that was pretty good.
Capt. Mercer: Yeah, thanks, I plagiarized it from, like, nine different things.

Kelly: Our currency is reputation. An individual's wealth is determined by their personal achievements, not their monetary value.
Dr. Finn: We decided a long time ago that forcing people to toil relentlessly in the pursuit of material wealth was an unnatural state for our species to exist in.

Dr. Finn: Captain, this planet is governed by astrology!
Lt. Keyali: What's astrology?

---

Admiral Perry: Look, I want those two officers back safely as much as you do, but to go in guns blazing 24 hours after meeting these people... We're not the Krill. You're gonna have to find another way to do this.

Isaac: I am unclear concerning the astrological practice. What is the methodology?
Dr. Finn: It's the idea that personality traits, behavioral tendencies, even future events can be determined by studying the movements of celestial bodies.
Isaac: That would seem scientifically unsound.

Lt. Keyali: We actually have this crazy system where we judge people by their actions, not their birthdates. It's kinda wacky, I know.

Capt. Mercer: Look... you are an advanced society. Now, just stop and think about this: How can the relative position of a ball of gas and dust thousands of light-years away influence someone's personality? I mean, do you honestly believe it yourself?

Capt. Mercer: We look for patterns in the natural world around us. It's in our blood. We're desperate to find meaning. But sometimes a star is just a star.

Kelly: Bortus, you have a kid. Any suggestions?
Bortus: Will there be an egg?
Kelly: Okay, that's a no.

Bortus: It is much easier with an egg...

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb
+ Soundtracks

Nothing Left on Earth Excepting Fishes

The Orville 2×4

Janel: Scotch and popcorn. Perfect pairing.
Capt. Mercer: Yes.

Capt. Mercer: What did I miss?
Janel: He's still singing with his shirt off.

Capt. Mercer: You know, you got to pick a movie some night...
Janel: Well, you're doing good so far. What was that one you showed me about the taxi driver?
Capt. Mercer: Taxi Driver.
Janel: Yeah, what was that called?
Capt. Mercer: Yeah, it was... it was called Taxi Driver.

Kelly: I know your smiles. You have 15. Three are for happiness. 11 are passive-aggressive. And one... is for being in love.

Janel: What are we listening to, again?
Capt. Mercer: This? This is, uh, Billy Joel.
Janel: Earth guy?
Capt. Mercer: Old Earth. Yeah, like 400 years ago.

Gordon: Look, I-I love flying, but it's all I've ever done. I have 56,000 light-years under my belt.
Kelly: Well, you're one of the best pilots in the fleet.
Gordon: Yeah, but that's the problem... you do one thing well, and they expect you to do it forever.

Teleya: If you believe releasing me will somehow improve relations between our people, you are indulging another fantasy.
Capt. Mercer: Defect of my species. We never give up hope.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb
+ Soundtracks

Home

The Orville 2×3

Alara: Open your stupid ears and listen! All I ever needed to hear from you was, "You can do it." That's all. Just once. And-and maybe it would've been a lie, but I needed that, Dad. I really needed it.

Alara: I thought you guys hated the military...
Solana: I have a theory. I think the soldiers and the intellectuals all secretly want what the other has. The muscle wants the brains, and the brains wish they had what it takes to clobber the barroom drunk who gets out of line.
Alara: Why can't a person have both?

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb

Primal Urges

The Orville 2×2

Alara: It looks so... sad and lonely.
Isaac: The penchant for biological life-forms to anthropomorphize inanimate objects is irrational. I am quite certain the planet is unaware of its solitary status.

Dr. Finn: Wait a minute. You're saying any time somebody on your planet wants a divorce, they just murder their spouse?

Capt. Mercer: They mutilate their female babies. They kill each other when they want a divorce. What do they do when it's someone's birthday? Light the parents on fire?
Kelly: I know we're supposed to be tolerant of alien customs, but man, there's got to be a limit.

Alara: Sir, if you don't mind, I'd like to stick around... just in case there's another divorce.

Gordon: How bad? Like, "Ouch, I got a sunburn bad," or "I just opened the Ark of the Covenant" bad?
Lamarr: The Ark. Like, melty-faced awfulness.

Isaac: You are a primitive organism. I simply wish to expand my understanding of the behavioral impulse.
Bortus: You think you are smarter than us? Figure it out on your own.

Isaac: I am aware that billions of years of evolution have programmed your chemical mechanisms with a desire to breed fruitfully. I am curious to know how it feels.
Bortus: It is... a call... from deep within. Like a baby seeking its mother's teat. It feels as if nothing else in the world matters but... satisfying the urge and achieving the goal my body has demanded of me. Then, as quickly as it began, it is complete, leaving a worn-out shell in its wake. And the only feeling I am left with, the only thing I know, is that... a death has occurred.
Isaac: I see. It is prudent that you are in therapy.

Theece: Make a life out there with Nathius. A beautiful life among the stars.
Altox: All the days we'll never have...
Theece: Your heart is full of the days we did.

Capt. Mercer: Porn virus aside... I am very grateful to have you on board.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb

Ja'loja

The Orville 2×1

Capt. Mercer: You know what the worst days are, Olix?... The days when you can't stay busy. No Krill confrontations, no spatial anomalies, just nothing going on and all your thoughts just march inward.
Olix: So most days.

Bortus: Sir, you are aware that Moclans urinate only once per year... It is my time.

Capt. Mercer: Now... Kelly?..
Kelly: ...We're diverting course to Moclus to... watch Bortus... pee.

Gordon: What if it's, like... a windy day?

Kelly: Okay. Any questions?
Lamarr: Yeah, like a million, but I'm not gonna ask.

Capt. Mercer: I've been trying to figure out how to keep my brain busy just so I can stop thinking about... You know, I-I played backgammon with Isaac last week, Kelly. Backgammon. That is a low point for a man.

Kelly: Ed, timing is everything—
Capt. Mercer: Oh, come on! That's a cliché and it's a bunch of crap... People love saying that but it blows free will out the airlock. If two people care about each other, the choice to love should transcend timing and anything less is cowardice.

Tyler: Uh, can I ask our course heading?
Capt. Mercer: We're on our way to watch our second officer go to the bathroom... Anyway, welcome.

Isaac: Is there a reason your son has become uncharacteristically combative?
Dr. Finn: Isaac, I have no idea. I never raised a teenager before, and I don't have a clue as to how to get to him. It's like he hates me for no reason...
Isaac: Have you examined him for unidentified viruses or neurological disease?

---

Dr. Finn: My gosh, what's the matter with you?
Isaac: I am merely trying to assist.
Dr. Finn: Okay, well, then just... play something sweet and jazzy.

Gordon: Feels like too many zippers.
Lamarr: Oh, no, no. Always go with one more zipper than you're comfortable with.

Dann: We're just not super appealing, I guess. But sometimes a person can be special on the inside, and if you don't look under the surface, you could miss something great...

Gordon: Okay, this is level eight. What's level nine?
Lamarr: Level nine, she's still dating the guy.
Gordon: And level ten?
Lamarr: She's married and has a gun.
Gordon: So what do I do?
Lamarr: Just be creative, be charming. Figure it out.
Gordon: ... I have six months left to live, and all I want to do is get to know you before I die.

Dr. Finn: Isaac, do you think I'm a bad parent?
Isaac: Yes.
Dr. Finn: Well, a computer doesn't lie...
Isaac: You appear displeased.

Dr. Finn: Parenting is always guesswork, but... have I made too many bad guesses?

Cassius: I was actually defending you, and she said that I was being "too evolved," and I told her to calm down, and...
Capt. Mercer: Ooh. Ooh, you didn't say "calm down."

Capt. Mercer: Here's my theory. A woman can't really love a man unless he's part dope. Be a little stupid every day, and really stupid once in a while, but... just don't be perfect.
Cassius: That's not easy.

Cassius: Okay. Let's all just try to calm dow... err... try to be respectful of the process here.

Bortus: In the sight of those who stand with me, and those for whom I would sacrifice my being, I begin...
the release... Kalaskacha. Mech-gadlas fekto... roschas... baaaam... val... Ja'loja!

Olix: My friend, I have learned never to make predictions in matters of love. I'm usually dead wrong...

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb
+ Soundtracks

Mad Idolatry

The Orville 1×12

Klyden: It is aged nine years. The perfect duration for good opsadda.
Ed: Man, if it, uh, looks like this going in, I'm afraid of what it looks like coming out.
Klyden: Opsadda does not come out. It grows into a parasite within the body. The sensation is intensely pleasurable. Mmm.

Klyden: There is a popular Moclan game called latchkum that we play from time to time.
Ed: Oh, well, break it out. Show me.
Bortus: I do not believe you would enjoy it. It is not for humans.
Ed: Come on. You know what? There's so much I don't know about your culture. I-I want to... I want to learn.

Ed: They were wrong about the opsadda. It does come out.

Kelly: Cultural contamination. I don't need you to remind me of the rules.
Isaac: I am merely attempting to be helpful, commander. There is no need to be... What does captain Mercer call it?.. Pissy.

Isaac: Sir, I may have a theory. I believe what we have encountered is a planet locked in a multiphasic orbit.
Ed: Okay, let's pretend I don't know what that is.
Gordon: Do you know what that is?
Ed: I do not.
Gordon: So we could just say that.
Ed: Thanks, buddy.

---

Isaac: Scans have revealed a temporal inconsistency indicating that when the planet moves out of our universe and into the other, its time constant undergoes an acceleration.
Gordon: Can you translate that for dumb guys who might also be a little drunk?
Isaac: 11 days have passed for us. But for the planet, approximately 700 years have elapsed.

Kelly: Look, there's been a little misunderstanding. I'm not who you think I am.
Valondis: But you are. Healer of men. Divine hand of the heavens. God of all creation.
Alara: Man, this guy'd be the perfect boyfriend.

Kelly: I am so very, very sorry for all of the trouble that I've caused.
Fadolin: Don't be. ... Our society has become a spacefaring culture with ships spread out across the galaxy... But we wouldn't have gotten where we are without growing pains. Our planet worshipped you as a deity for many centuries. But had it not been you, the mythology would have found another face. It's a part of every culture's evolution. It's one of the stages of learning. And eventually, it brought us here.
Baleth: So you see, commander, you didn't poison our culture with false faith. We flourish. You must have faith... In reason, in discovery and in the endurance of the logical mind.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb

New Dimensions

The Orville 1×11

Yaphit: Ah, okay, how you want to do this?
Bortus: Do what?
Yaphit: I gotta go in and get the piece.
Bortus: What do you mean, "go in"?
Yaphit: I mean go in. I gotta go in. Pick an entry.
Bortus: I will not allow you inside me!
Yaphit: Doc, help me out here...

Dr. Finn: Now, if you two wouldn't mind leaving, this is more weirdness than I can handle in one day.

Yaphit: A joke? I spent an hour in Bortus' colon! You think that's funny?

Alara: It's not about that. Animals are just fun to have around. It's unconditional love, you know?
Isaac: I do not. Please, elaborate.
Gordon: It's just companionship. You cuddle with it, stroke its fur. Humans bond with animals that way. Try it sometime.

Isaac: Are we... bonding?

Blavaroch: Grahj-kalooga.
Ed: Anybody speak Horbalak?
Isaac: The direct translation is, "You can shove it up your..."
Ed: Okay, got it, got it.
Isaac: Do you wish to hear the rest of the translation?
Ed: No, no, I-I get the gist.

Yaphit: It's 'cause I'm gelatinous, isn't it? You guys can't handle the thought of a gelatinous person in charge of a department.
Ed: Yaphit, that is not it.
Yaphit: This is so racist, man, you're so friggin' racist!

---

Yaphit: You know what? There was less crap in Bortus's colon.

Ed: Wait, I'm sorry, didn't you just tell us that passing through that anomaly would be a death sentence?
Lamarr: The quantum bubble could protect us from two-dimensional space. We go inside, we hang out and wait until the Krill are gone.

Ed: Take us into the anomaly.
Gordon: Hold on to your asses.

Ed: Did you ever read Flatland?
Kelly: No.
Ed: It was a story written in the 1880s, about a two-dimensional society of shapes. The more sides they had, the higher the social status. The triangles were the workman class, the squares were the gentry, the circles were the most respected of all. It was a metaphor for inequality.

Kelly: I want you and I to be okay. But you were being a prideful ass.
Ed: What, are we in a Jane Austen novel? I'm a "prideful ass"?

Claire: So, the outside would be squashed, but the inside wouldn't.
Ed: More space inside than out, like Doctor Who's phone booth.
Kelly: Or Oscar the Grouch's can.
Lamarr: Or Snoopy's doghouse, yeah.
Claire: The miracles of quantum physics...

Lamarr: Initiating quantum bubble. All right. Let's do this.
Ed: Let's get flat... Sorry.

Kelly: It's not the feather, Dumbo. It's you.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb
+ Soundtracks

Firestorm

The Orville 1×10

Ed: People seem to think that being brave means not being afraid. The way I see it, if you're not afraid... there's nothing to be brave about.

Alara: You do realize that there are planets where a military career is a very honorable thing. The humans view it with great respect.
Dad Kitan: Well, yes, the humans. The hillbillies of the galaxy...

Ed: All weapons are to be kept on stun. We want the clown alive.

Ed: Well, if it's impossible, then it doesn't really exist. And if that's the case... there's something wrong with us.

Claire: I understand what you're feeling. Nobody likes going to the doctor...

Claire: The best way to get accurate results with a brain examination is to go in through the abdomen, up through the chest, and through the base of the skull.

---

Claire: Captain. Do you ever sit in your quarters and look out the window?.. Do you ever stop and watch the darkness out there?.. It's very, very dark in space. Looks so empty. But there are terrors lurking all around us in the infinite shadows. You can't see them, but they're there.

Claire: You have no idea... what's coming for you.

Lamarr: How would we know we were in purgatory? What's purgatory even like?
Ed: You ever been married?
Lamarr: No.
Kelly: It's like that.

Isaac: Foolish little girl, you cannot stop me! Soon, this ship will run red with your blood!

Alara: So who's afraid of clowns?
Lamarr: That's me.
Alara: You really are afraid of clowns?
Lamarr: Yes. Please stop saying the "C" word.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb

Cupid's Dagger

The Orville 1×9

Bortus: Lieutenant Malloy taught me this song. I will now sing it...

Kelly: Here we go. Is me apologizing for the 900th time somehow gonna make a difference?

Dann: We should get some music in these elevators, huh? A little soundtrack to our lives.

Kelly: Ed, hang on. I can explain--
Ed: I don't need it explained. You're a sexual jihadist!

Ed: ...just so we can say we tried?

Gordon: Maybe just focus on the peace talks, huh? That's a good distraction, right?

---

Ed: You know, why do we have to have all these rules and labels and things? It's like, why-why do we have to put people in boxes? You know? Why-why even call a box a box?
Gordon: I think it's just easier to have words...
Ed: Easier for who? Not the box. Maybe the box wants to do its own thing. You ever think of that?
Gordon: Okay, I'm-I'm confused. Do you want to bang Darulio?
Ed: Bang, be banged, but why you so hung up on labels, man? You know what? You're the problem. You are the problem. You know what, instead of frantically labeling people all day long, why don't you take a look in the mirror? Huh? Do that for a change.

Kelly: To old friends.
Ed: To new beginnings.

Gordon: He seems... kind of into him. ...
David: Your statement is confusing. Has the captain entered Mr. Darulio in some fashion?
Gordon: Not yet...

Darulio: Look, it's harmless. The worst thing that happens... we all have great sex. It'll pass.

Ed: You know, there really is some justice in all this. I wind up with the guy who you cheated with during our marriage.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb
+ Soundtracks!

Into the Fold

The Orville 1×8

Dr. Finn: Now, come on. Get dressed. It's time to experience reality for a change.

Isaac: Dr. Finn, I look forward to joining you and your offspring on this recreational outing. It will give me an opportunity to observe human familial dynamics at close range.
Dr. Finn: Crap.

Isaac: On my planet, when a program is not functioning properly, it is deleted.

Isaac: Your commands have little to no effect on their behavior. Perhaps you should reevaluate your method of controlling them... Hey!
Dr. Finn: Just what I need. Parenting tips from a talking hubcap.

Marcus: Don't worry, Ty, Mom's alive. I know it.
Isaac: At the moment, that is a baseless assumption.

Isaac: You are small and feeble. I will move at a faster pace alone. The weapon will increase your chances of survival by 24%.

---

Lamarr: You think we could change the music? Something less depressing?
Steve: You got to get cultured, my friend. Barry Manilow was an underappreciated genius of his time.
Lamarr: Then how come I want to throw myself out the airlock?
Yaphit: I got to say, watching your corpse drift away to this music would be so peaceful...

Kelly: We have no idea where that thing leads. We could end up inside of a planet, or a star...
Ed: Most of space is empty, so our odds are good.

Ed: What's the nearest star system?
Bortus: One Gas Giant with 72 moons. 36 of them are large enough to support atmospheres.
Gordon: How the hell are we supposed to search all that?
Ed: One world at a time.

Ty: Mom used to tell us bedtime stories before we went to sleep. Can you tell us a story?
Isaac: I will do my best. Please adjust your bodies to a horizontal bearing... Lie down... There was once a doctor and her two children....

Dr. Finn: The boys adore you. I don't know why or how you managed to keep them in line, but... I'm sure as hell glad you did.
Isaac: I simply adjusted my programming to accommodate their sibling dynamics and emotional responses. Your failed attempts at discipline were also instructive.
Dr. Finn: Well, anyway, I'll leave you alone.
Isaac: May I make a final observation?.. Your children are unruly, disrespectful, volatile, and highly unpredictable. I am quite fond of them.
Dr. Finn: Welcome to the family.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb
+ Soundtracks

Majority Rule

The Orville 1×7

Lamarr: This is ridiculous, man. How the hell is anybody supposed to walk around in these things?
Kelly: I don't know, John, I think you look good in skinny jeans.
Lamarr: If I wanted to scratch my balls right now, I would have to reach in my back pocket.
Alara: Yeah, well, at least your pants are whole...

Ed: My God, you guys look like unemployed backup dancers.

Kelly: Sargas Four is a capitalist culture...
Alara: What is it?
Kelly: It's money.
Alara: What do you do with it?
Kelly: You give it to people, and they give you stuff, or they do stuff.
Alara: That's weird.

---

Kelly: Why are you sitting like that?
Lamarr: It's these friggin' jeans. If I leaned back right now, I'd give myself a vasectomy.

Lamarr: Hey, I'm a spaceman! You got to let me out of here!

Kelly: We haven't seen evidence of any codified legal framework. I mean, it all seems subject to public vote at any given time.
David: Captain, what she is describing is an absolute, unstructured democracy. There is no record of any previously discovered society operating in such a fashion.
Gordon: Government by American Idol...
Bortus: What is American Idol?
Gordon: That was a form of entertainment from old Earth. People competed to see who had the best singing voice.
Bortus: Why?
Gordon: I don't know. It was a dark time...
Bortus: I sing.

Lamarr: Real quick, I just want to say, all y'all can suck ass, and I'm a spaceman.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb