Cancun, Baby!

The Last Man on Earth 4×18

Todd: It's like a gingerbread house made of corpses, bud.

Tandy: Hate to say it, Care Bear, but we're all still fighting a raging case of HPV... Human People Vanished.

Tandy: Well, guess it's time we say our final good-byes...

Tandy: It hasn't been this hard to say good-bye to a house since Hugh Laurie died, but we must.

Tandy: We bid our final "hasta la vista, baby" to this place that meant so much until it turned into a raging carnival of horrors.

Tandy: And now, we send it back to Hell, from whence it came. Beelzebub, take this house and shove it in your butt.

Mike: Should we go pick up an R.V. or something?
Tandy: I was thinking more along the lines of an S.E.... Something Else.

Todd: Well, I guess it's time for me to move on to the next movie in my filmography... Se7en. Will you join me, Brad Pitt?
Melissa: What's in the box? What's in the box?!

---

Tandy: Hey, couldn't help notice you guys Frenching over here, and I love it. You know, glad you guys are enjoying each other's mouths...

Tandy: Carol and I have decided that every time we want to kiss, we're just gonna shake hands instead. It's actually been pretty erotic. After all, the, you know, the palm is the vagina of the hand.

Tandy: This could be a food source that could last us the rest of our lives. Goat milk, goat cheese, goat yogurt, goat, uh, eggs...

Tandy: Look, there's literally an expiration date on the way we've been living, and that date has passed.

Tandy: Let's make like a tree and put some roots down.

Tandy: It's just so exciting. I mean, there's just something peaceful about being in the place where you know you're gonna... die.

Tandy: Oh, farts.

--
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Barbara Ann

The Last Man on Earth 4×17

Todd: Look, Erica, I'm not gonna lie to you... I farted. Yeah, this is one of those weird cases where, you know, you smelt it but I'm the one who dealt it.

Todd: Don't need luck. Just time and gravity.

Mike: Did Mom and Dad do something to you when you were little?

Carol: I can't do it. Mm-mm. Ever since I was a kid, I've had a fear of being scared.

Todd: Don't worry. I-I took care of that.
Gail: Well, did you get rid of them?
Todd: Well, uh... I did the next best thing.

Todd: The-the trick is, don't think of 'em as dead bodies, you know? Think of 'em as, uh, people. The sequel.

---

Gail: Todd, can you just cut the crap and tell us why we're standing in the middle of this Romanian horror film?

Mike: Okay, let's just find a boy and a girl and then we got ourselves a goat starter kit and we can go, all right?

Gail: Yep. Pure yayo... Good stuff. Bolivian. 18 bills, farm. 30K, street. She will take you for a ride, let you walk on the wind, then drop you like a bad trust fall.
Melissa: Why do you know so much about this?
Gail: Well, let's just say that the '80s and Gail Klosterman... had a love-love relationship.

Phil: Going a friendly, nonaggressive, "nice to meet you" 18 miles an hour.

Carol: Okay, so that's 75 bags of cocaine, 23 sticks of dynamite, 16 grenades, 82 normal guns, 36 scary guns and five severed heads. That's got to be it, right?

Gail: Stop! Did anyone check the piano?... Oh. Well, that don't look kosher.

Phil: Hey, look, hey, your answer might not even be human, you know?

Melissa: Just made it to the piano. Initiating protocol... Always wanted to say that.

--
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The Blob

The Last Man on Earth 4×16

Tandy: Carol, what... what was that?
Carol: Oh, I was singing it to the tune of "Jingle Bells."
Tandy: Well, could you please sing to the tune of "Can't Fight This Feeling"?

Erica: Okay, well, obvious solution here. You like yellow, I like blue. So let's just go with green.
Todd: Green?!?... Green it is.

Melissa: Carol, what the hell are we eating?
Carol: It's called "fake-a-mole."

Carol: We're out of avocados, so I just whipped up some oatmeal, added brown rice for mouth-feel, then blended in some green food coloring, you know, for visual titillation.
Gail: And the uncooked pasta?
Carol: Hmm. "Fake-atilla chips." We're out of tortilla chips, so... dig in, huh?

Tandy: You know as well as I do that 800 miles in this world isn't really 800 miles.

Phil: Have fun killing me!
Mike: Have fun getting killed by me!

Phil: Oh, you're a monster!
Mike: I can't wait to teach your babies how to smoke!

Erica: Todd, are you okay?
Todd: I just feel like I'm being lied to. You know?

Tandy: You left the seven. And half the three.

Phil: I have never been good enough. For you. For Mom and Dad. You know, not smart enough, not successful enough. And even now that there are only 13 people left on this planet, you would rather leave...

Todd: He dead.

--
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Designated Survivors

The Last Man on Earth 4×15

Mike: You like that haircut?
Tandy: I love it.

Gail: Tandy, no one gives a flying burrito about what kind of bag it was!

Mike: What I'm saying is, I don't think that we are just survivors... We're designated survivors.

Carol: Mike, I'd like you to meet our daughters. This is Bezequille, and this one... is Mike.

Melissa: We're dealing with an alpha dog. And, Todd... I mean this in the best way... But you're... you're a solid beta.

--
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Special Delivery

The Last Man on Earth 4×14

Todd: You know, the... we're gonna approach this like a... like a business transaction.

Todd: So-so, my, um... c-company... is-is gonna, uh... uh, manually, uh, produce as-as much, um... uh... product as-as it can possibly generate. You know, w-without me passing out. A-And then my company is going to, mm, deliver, uh, my product to your company's... loading zone. And then your company is-is going to just basically, uh, uh... baste the whole store with, uh... product.
Erica: Yeah, could you stop calling it "product"?

Tandy: Top o' the morning to ya, bud! Nice, uh, leprechaun skirt. Healthy airflow for the old, uh, bag and pipe, huh?

Tandy: Knowasa? Yaknowasaa?

Carol: Ooh, perfect timing. I just finished.
Tandy: Well, hopefully that's what Todd will be saying in a few short minutes from now.

Todd: Is that a...
Carol: A masturbatorium? Yes, it is.

---

Tandy: O Captain! My Captain!

Melissa: What do you say we boogie down the street, get some candles, burn them down, and make new candles. Am I right, queen?
Erica: Yeah... You know, I think I'm just gonna... stay here and fold clothes.

Erica: Well, I'll see you later.
Melissa: Yeah, you will... Big-time.

Tandy: Oh, God. I hate it, too, Gail. God, I hate it, but, yeah, I got to follow "procotol" here.

Tandy: Oh, you're such fake news! Sad!

Carol: Everyone! We've got company.

Tandy: Gang, I cannot, in good conscience, take credit for this booty cigar.

Tandy: Mike.

--
On the IMDb

Release the Hounds

The Last Man on Earth 4×13

Melissa: Do you want to have a baby with Todd?

Carol: Your lower back hair is catching the light in the most beautiful way.

Carol: Whatever you're doing, keep doing it, 'cause Mommy likey.
Tandy: Well, Daddy aimsy to pleasey.

Carol: Sorry we're late. Tandy and I were engaged in a spirited petting session.

Tandy: With outercourse like that, who needs intercourse? JK. I do, and hopefully soon.

Carol: Mom, are you saying that Tandy can release the hounds?
Gail: I will never say that, and I would request that you never make me hear that again. But the answer I think you're looking for is yes.

Melissa: Oh! Look who rolled over.

Melissa: Just leave him alone with his trains, and he'll be fine in a few days.

Erica: To Gail. Congratulations on six months of sobriety from red wine!

Tandy: I think I have an idea. And, as usual, I will handle it with grace and "aplobm."

Tandy: Oh, I'm so jealous of you and Melissa. You gals got it made in the shade with lemonade. With ice in it.

--
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Señor Clean

The Last Man on Earth 4×12

Tandy: ...Uh, the gun must have just discharged early.
GaiL: Your gun discharged early?
Tandy: Gail, this is not the time for a hurtful sexual joke. We're talking about a man's life here.

Tandy: ...when I turned around, he was majorly dead. You know, lower body still relatively intact. Upper body just went full Houdini on me, though. You know, just disappeared. Not there anymore.

Tandy: We're gathered here today to lay rest to most of Karl...

Tandy: Karl, we send you our thoughts and prayers as you hurtle, screaming, on your terrifying journey to Hell.

Lucifer, it's me again. Please take care of our Karl. He was a gentle killer who, uh, tried very hard not to eat his friends. Upside-down amen.

Carol: Um... Karl, in case you need a snack on your unholy journey, I collected some of Tandy's dandruff and foot skin flakes. I sprinkle them over you now.

Tandy: Wouldn't you know it, on every single card, it just says, "Hey, you guys are the heroes. I'm just a mirror reflecting your heroism."

Carol: You keep this up, Gail's gonna go from being your mother-in-law to a mother-in-awe.

---

Tandy: This is about me being the best Tandy I can be for no other reason than it just feels really good.

Tandy: We all would have done the same thing. It's no big deal.
Gail: Wait. Did you just say "no big deal" instead of saying "NBD" or "nizzle bizzle dizzy"?

Melissa: There was blood and guts everywhere. Really gross. You would have loved it.

Tandy: The dip you once knew is married. To your daughter! And there's not gonna be any funny business between us 'cause I haven't wanted to see you naked for a long time, and dreams don't count, okay? You can't control those, and I will not be held responsible for... them, okay?

Tandy: I called you G Spot when all along, I was staring right at a b-hole.

Melissa: I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I've come to a decision. I want you to have a baby... You are always gonna want to have kids, and I never will, so, if we're gonna get past this, I'm going to have to compromise.

Melissa: I'm just gonna be the wife of a guy who has a kid. I mean, like you said earlier, I don't want to be the mom. I just want to be the aunt.

Todd: Okay, well, I... I'm-I'm confused. I mean, there's a... serious biological impediment here, you know?

--
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Hamilton/Berg

The Last Man on Earth 4×11

Gail: Well, that just can't be what happened.
Carol: Yeah, there has to be some logical explanation for all of this.
Tandy: Yeah, he was probably just too hungry to not eat human corpse meat.

Tandy: Okay, everyone, just be calm, cool, collected. Cool and collected. Go.

Tandy: So, hey, Karl. So w-whatcha you been getting up to, uh, you know, uh, location-wise?

Karl: Look, the quick answer is: yeah.

Karl: Okay, I'm just gonna come right out and say it... My name is Karl, and I am a cannibal.

Karl: All right. Well, good night, guys. Lock your doors. Mean that.

Carol: I realize it might be hard for you to drink in that thing, so I brought you this crazy... I mean, "mentally abnormal" straw.

Karl: In all seriousness, though, you're gonna want to keep a five-foot radius. That's what I call the lunge zone.
Carol: Noted.

Carol: No, no. We can't decide who lives or dies. We're not J.K. Rowling.

Tandy: So, uh, I'm gonna turn around, walk ten paces, and then pull out the gun and shoot you in the face.

--
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Karl

The Last Man on Earth 4×9

Daniel: I'd like to tell you about the specials.
Karl: Oh, I already know about one of them. 'Cause she's sitting... right across from me.
Daniel: ... Great. In addition, we have a potato leek soup, and the fish of the day is halibut.

Karl: So, uh, how's your week going?

Karl: Oh, my finest work yet. It's like Matisse mixed with Shakespeare and just a little Rhea Perlman on top.

Karl: Hey, have you ever been painted?

Martinez: So... Karl Cowperthwaite. What kind of name is that?

Karl: Hi. I'm Karl.

--
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Paint Misbehavin'

The Last Man on Earth 4×10

Tandy: Ladies and gentlewomen, feast your eyes on... this.

Gail: What the hell?!
Karl: Hi, I'm Karl.

Tandy: Now, come on. Don't be shy. Karl doesn't bite. Do you, Karl?
Karl: Nope. No.

Gail: Well, man, you must be some kind of saint, 'cause I could never be friends with a psycho killer qu'est-ce que c'est like that.

Karl: You know, for a burn, you don't need a Band-Aid. You just have to apply ice. Human flesh cooks so fast it just... gets a-away from you in a hurry.

Karl: Trash. Out. Full.

Tandy: Something's a little weird about you. Isn't it, partner?
Karl: Oh, you think?

---

Tandy: So, uh, remind me. What kind of "penis" are you?
Karl: What?!
Tandy: Pianist! What kind of "penis" are you?
Karl: I'm semiprofessional.

Tandy: Erica, my instincts tell me you're wrong as a dong all day long, and it's daylight savings.

Carol: How about this? Maybe just this once take that hunch to lunch and give Karl a chunce.

Tandy: I think we started off on the wrong foot. Hey, I-I just had twins, and my hormones are raging, and my fatherhood instincts are super engorged.

Gail: I'm dying to get started.
Karl: Famous last words, am I right?
Gail: How-How so?

Todd: Are you serious about this?
Tandy: Yahoo serious.

Todd: Still digging?
Tandy: Like a nizzle pizzy in a dizzle stizzy.
Todd: What?
Tandy: A nosepicker in a dust storm.
Todd: Oh.

Tandy: Oooooh... farts.

--
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Not Appropriate For Miners

The Last Man on Earth 4×8

Tandy: Oh, hey. STD, sorry to disturb. Just be a sec.

Tandy: You see a box in here labeled "adult magazines"?... It's not what you think. You know, it was just a bunch of, like, Economists and New Yorkers, Audubons. That kind of fare.

Todd: Are you lying?
Jasper: Yeah.
Todd: Well, thank you... for being honest.

Todd: E-explosives are not appropriate for minors. They're for adults and miners. Coal miners. It-It's a different "miners." Understood?

Carol: I was so focused on step one of repopulation that I completely ignored the next 50 steps.

Carol: I'm just gonna sit back and help nature take its course.
Tandy: Don't you mean let nature take its course?
Carol: Yeah. That's what I said.

Carol: You are gonna love this meal. I took all your favorite things, macaroni and spray cheese and ketchup and Pop Tarts, and I mashed them all together into one special casserole.

Carol: So... where to begin? Oh, how about a general discussion of the flora and fauna of coastal Mexico? Hmm? Hmm?

Carol: .... And then there were two.

---

Gail: Shoog, I've been on this planet a long time, and I figured out a couple of universal truths... One, you cannot domesticate a raccoon. I don't care how smart you think that raccoon is. It's just not happening. And two, you cannot use logic to win an argument with Carol Pilbasian. So just don't let her suck you in.

Tandy: Peso for your thoughtitos, bud.

Tandy: Look, bud, as someone who's been in the Dad game for over 100 hours, I can tell you that being a parent is rock hard, okay?

Tandy: .... And you'll be inside of me. And I will poo you out... So what do you think?
Todd: It's maybe a little harsh.

Erica: Let it go. Do not let her suck you in. Do not let her...

Todd: You. Thanks for the advice.
Tandy: You're welcome, bud. How'd it go?
Todd: Great. I tried to put my foot down. It landed squarely in my mouth.

Carol: Melissa, he's not just a nine to 11-year-old boy, He's the last nine to 11-year-old boy. And that changes everything.

Tandy: Oh, farts.

Tandy: As the de facto and basically facto leader of this group, I should've given you better advice.

--
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Gender Friender

The Last Man on Earth 4×7

Tandy: Guys. Guys. I did it! Boop.... I finished a whole side.

Erica: Tandy, I have a question... if you're so smart, why are you calling us "guys"?

Carol: We're all women... and now with the twins and Dawn, there's seven ladies and only three men. I mean, we more than double you. Don't you think calling us "guys" is a little sexist?

Tandy: I can't be sexist. Okay? I am a father of two baby women. I mean, I think girls are so nice I made 'em twice.

Tandy: I am super pro-lady. I wouldn't lie to you, guys.
- Tandy!
Gail: There it is. Sexist pig.
Tandy: No, no, no, no, no. You're absolutely right. We are living in a brave new world, where there are more hot dog buns than hot dogs. So if I have offended you, guys, at all...
- Tandy!

Tandy: Hey, Gail? Gail? Gail? Yeah, on that, we're in total agree-woment. Agree-men-t? Nah. Agreewomen-t. Yeah, that's my current jam.

Todd: Uh, killing Nazis, huh? Yeah. Don't have any problem with that, no, sir. Even the ones just following orders. You know, you got to be held accountable for your actions.

Gail: Women...

Gail: It's not that I wouldn't want to be married to you, I just don't want to be married to anybody. It's a flawed institution. It's like bread bowls or... the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Gail: The only thing we don't have is just some stupid piece of paper.
Erica: Yeah, stupid piece of paper... that says you'll always be there even if the other person gets sick or they get fat or they... drool in their sleep, because you can't imagine your life without them.

---

Tandy: Hey, gals. ... Woman, oh, woman, is it hot out! Yeah, plus all the pollen. Think I might have to go take a anti-her-stimine.
Melissa: Wow, you're really doubling down on all this crap.
Tandy: Yeah. If by "crap," you mean smashing the patriarchy and being a full-on gender-friender, then yes, I'm 100% full of crap.

Tandy: I am entering phase two of what I'm calling my "Sex Change Operation." 'Cause well-behaved Tandies seldom make herstory.

Tandy: Vagina-doodle-doo! Rise and shine, everyone! What a beautiful daughter-rise...

Gail: Now, listen here. In my experience, marriage has never been about love. It's about doing what other people expect of you. The first time I got married is 'cause I thought I was pregnant. The second time was because I was pregnant. And the third time was because a wife can't testify against a husband in court. It's a long story.

Tandy: Ladies and gentl-women, ...

Tandy: ...I want to be clear: this is not a gay wedding. Because now, we're living in a world in which men and women don't exist. Which means gay doesn't, either...

Tandy: I feel like Bill Clinton right now. A simple man between two legendary Bushes. One of them a little older...

Tandy: ...And do you, Erica... wait a minute. What's your last name?
Erica: .... Dundee.
Tandy: What?!?!

Tandy: Then, by the power invested in me, I now pronounce you regular married. You may kiss as deep and hard as you want to.

Carol: I'd like to say something. Mom, you're married. Who saw that coming?

--
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Double Cheeseburger

The Last Man on Earth 4×6

Erica: A sleep birth?
Carol: Had her right in my sleep.
Gail: That is the weirdest thing I've ever heard.

Gail: So, we're sticking with Bezequille? I-- l... I love it.

Carol: I'm gonna go eat the placenta. Anybody want to join?

Gail: Carol... you ever go to a fast-food joint?
Carol: Oh, I'm gonna stop you right there... I don't like fast food. I prefer it slow or mid-tempo.

Gail: .... And after I ate it, I reached into the bag for a napkin, and I noticed... a second cheeseburger down there. You see what I mean?

Tandy: You... You have another cheeseburger in the bag?
Carol: Yeah.
Tandy: I'm gonna be another father.

---

Erica: I'm sorry. Obviously, I want her to have a smooth birth... But with just enough pain to respect the process.

Tandy: Hey, Care Bear, would you feel better if I stayed up all night and watched your vagina?
Carol: You would do that for me?
Tandy: I would do that for a lot of people. But tonight, yes, it's for you.

Todd: Look, how many times do I have to tell you? I was snorting and smoking cocaine all day, okay?

Tandy: Denial isn't just a river in Phoenix. It's also a very real psychological state, Gail.

Carol: Did someone order a double cheeseburger?

Carol: You both know I'm a very gifted namer. And I thought of the perfect name for our daughter... Mike.

Erica: So, another painless birth, huh?

--
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La Abuela

The Last Man on Earth 4×5

Abuela: Prove to me that you are not incompetent... Ten seconds.

Abuela: Uh... Close. Just four moves away...

Carol: Okay, grab some bubbles and just wrap anything that looks dangerous. I'm talking choke-ables, flammables, decapitate-ables...

Tandy: What about all that talk about how this place had such great energy?
Carol: Well, Shark Tanks have great energy, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna walk into that room without a great business plan.
Tandy: Okay, lost me there.
Carol: Shark Tanks... The TV show, not the thing.

Carol: You don't want our baby getting SIFILISS.
Tandy: Syphilis?
Carol: SIFILISS. ... SIFILISS. You know, Sudden Infant Falling Into Large Indoor Spaces Syndrome?
Tandy: Oh, I thought you meant the other one.
Carol: No, I'm talking about the bad one.

Tandy: Looks like our baby won't be getting SIFILISS, after all. He or she is much more likely to get HERPESS.
Carol: Herpes?
Tandy: High Elevation Rugrat Positively Evades Staircase Syndrome.
Carol: Oh, that's music to my ears.

---

Erica: I just don't get it. This baby has run from a nuclear holocaust, been stranded on a deserted island, lost at sea, and witnessed two murders, one decapitation and a headless body riding a Jet Ski. Now we're settled in a beautiful house and she's going nuts. It just doesn't make any sense.

Gail: Just as I suspected. Looks like we got an adrenaline junkie baby on our hands.

Tandy: Oh, bud, bud, bud. You got this all wrong. Let me show you the magic of the piñata. Here, hand me that poker-I-hardly-knew-her...

Tandy: Now, this thing is a friggin' candy bomb. And the object is to knock the crap out of it to get to the candy center. It's the same basic technology behind the Tootsie Pop...

Carol: .... Those aren't the things about which I'm worried!
Tandy: Then what the hell are you worried about?
Carol: The virus, Tandy! The virus. What are we gonna do if our baby gets the virus?
Tandy: I don't know. But if that happens... none of this matters.
Carol: I know.
Tandy: So, wh-why are you doing it?
Carol: Because it's the only thing I can do.

Abuela: "Good news, bad news, who can say?" It all depends where the story ends. And that is the only thing in life we can predict. The only thing we truly know. Everybody's story ends the same way... Death.

--
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Wisconsin

The Last Man on Earth 4×4

Tandy: In the book of our lives, we've come to a new chapter: Zihuatanejo.

Carol: So, when do you want to move in? 'Cause now works for me and I would also accept yesterday... Joking.

Carol: Well... guess it was nice while it lasted.

Carol: Mark my words. Living apart will destroy this group.

Tandy: You know, Jasper, when a piece of metal and a magnet develop feelings for each other, they get what's called attraction.

Carol: Life really does go on, huh?

Carol: Well, we had to prove our point. And a point always hurts because it's so sharp.

Gail: Oh, my God. Look at this ragtag crew...
Carol: Mmm. Bunch of misfits.

Gail: We're not always great together, but clearly, we're much worse apart.

--
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Skeleton Crew

The Last Man on Earth 4×3

Todd: Zihuatanejo! Oh, man, just wait till you see it. They say the boardwalk is a must-see for locals and tourists alike... The perfect spot for our honeymoon.

Glenn: Guys, I know you have your little punishment policy...
Tandy: DTC, DTT.

Pamela: No, it was a very simple e-mail. It was just The_Pope@gmail.

Pamela: This is us! Oh!

Pamela: I promise. I will bite a pillow, a leather belt. I'll put one of those black balls in my mouth... Anything I can do to earn your forgiveness.

Todd: There she is... Beautiful Zihuatanejo! You ever seen a beach like that? The sand is so white...

Carol: And I have so many decorating ideas. I mean, first of all... no brainer... get the dead bodies out of here.
Tandy: Think we might have gone to the same decorating school.

---

Tandy: This is what I love about you, Carol. I mean, you see potential in even the biggest pile of crap.
Carol: I don't know about that...
Tandy: Well, I do. 'Cause I'm saying that as a former pile.

Todd: You know what? I want to make a toast. Thank you, Zihuatanejo, for making me "see what an A-ho" I've been for not getting here sooner!

Todd: I love this place! Shawshank lives!

Glenn: Well, this party is BYOB, which stands for, "Bye, You Old Buttface."

Pamela: I'll have you know, I was invited.
Glenn: Really? By who?
Carol: By whom. And that whom is me.

Glenn: Pamela. Our sex was the second best I've ever had.

Melissa: You know the final scene of Shawshank?.. Well, they didn't film that in Zihuatanejo.
Todd: Get out of town, okay? Go fishin'.
Melissa: They shot that in Saint Croix... Tax credits.
Todd: Are you serious?.. Boy, damn. Damn you, Zihuatanejo! You lied to me! All of you!

--
On the IMDb

Stocko Syndome

The Last Man on Earth 4×2

Tandy: If you think you have any kind of shot with me, you're insizzy in the membrizzy.

Carol: What the gol is that?

Tandy: I'm so disoriented. Up is down, day is night... hate is love. I feel so different in so many ways.

Glenn: You can probably tell that I modeled her after Eva Mendes. ... Is there something you're not telling me? What happened to her face?
Gail: It... died. And her body joined it.

Pamela: Oh, Tandy, tell me this isn't a trick.
Tandy: Trix are for kids, and I'm 43 years old.
Pamela: I wasn't born yesterday, you know.
Tandy: Good, 'cause I would never do this to a baby.

Pamela: I was alone in a bunker for three years, so you'll excuse me if I'm Michael Jackson's doctor right now... All out of patience!

Pamela: Do you hear me?!
Tandy: Loud, clear, and wet from urine.

---

Glenn: Oh, I'm sorry. Uh, what was it you wanted to talk to me about?
Todd: Uh... I, uh... farted.
Melissa: Yeah.
Todd: But it-it was a while ago, you know, so it's kind of a moot point now.
Glenn: Do you know that I farted four times during that story?

Tandy: Oooh... farts.

Glenn: Well, what kind of man on a deserted island would I be without a signal fire?

Carol: But, Glenn, it is our only hope!
Glenn: How do you know that?
Carol: Because everyone on Earth is dead!

Tandy: I'll do whatever the group thinks is best, but just so you know, after I threatened to eat her dog's butt to death and got the gun away from her, she turned into a real team player.

Todd: So, what, are we supposed to just let her back on the boat, Tandy?
Carol: That'd be like buying Freddy Krueger a condominium on Elm Street.

--
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M.U.B.A.R.

The Last Man on Earth 4×1

Gail: Is he dead now?
Tandy: I have a pretty surefire test... Call it. Time of death... 3:18.
Carol: Another 3:18 over here.

Tandy: What can I say? You died doing what you loved... being alive.

Tandy: Pat, the severing of your head is the first step in a two-step process to ensure that we will never be surprised by you again. On to step two...

Carol: The whole situation is M.U.B.A.R. Messed Up Beyond All Regular-Standards.
Melissa: Is Regular-Standards hyphenated?

Pamela: First he was just a friend, but... then the lines blurred, tongues strayed. We became a sensual human centipede...

Tandy: Well, from one jean-art fan to another, agree to dungaree.

Gail: Oh, farts.

---

Todd: Uh, where's land?
Melissa: It's there. You just can't see it right now.
Gail: Yeah, it's an illusion.

Carol: Pamela. You look rested. I didn't sleep well at all.

Carol: Guess around I'll be seeing you...

Carol: Look, I don't want to talk out of turn, but that Pamela is a real "B," minus the stinger, plus the itch. Not only did she take the big room, she's all over my husband. She laughs at all of his jokes.

Pamela: Uh, Tandy, could I ask you something?... Do you ever feel like you need to do something even though if you did it, everyone would hate you?
Tandy: Hey, literally, all the time.
Pamela: What do you do?
Tandy: Well, I'll tell you what I do... Caution. Wind.

Gail: Guys, guys. We all need to just cool our jets. I know this situation does seem dire right now, but look on the bright side. We have our very own island.

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Nature's Horchata

The Last Man on Earth 3×18

& Carol: I think I might need to excuse myself. Feeling a little queasy. Not because of your blood and goop, Erica. That was beautiful. But in a way, it does make me feel the need to puke and lie down.

& Tandy: Look, I-I got a little, uh... How should I put this? Uh... thing of interest, uh, to tell you.

& Tandy: Yeah, okay, well, uh, as always, I commend you on that whimsical, seemingly pointless yet suddenly relevant wind-up to what could’ve been a really boring bit of regular old information.
    Carol: Well, I learned it from the best.

& Todd: We had a lot of good times in here.
    Tandy: But like the dinosaur, all good things must come to an end.

& Carol: What in Bruce Almighty is happening?

& Tandy: Look. There’s no easy way to say this. So I’m gonna go ahead and sing it.

& Melissa: I found this book about what would happen if all civilization vanished. And it says, sooner or later, all these nuclear reactors are gonna blow.
    Todd: Ooh, what does it say we should do?
    Melissa: In the book we’re all dead.

& Carol: Well, okay, so when can we go back to our building?
    Gail: 20,000 years.

& Tandy: Oh, farts.

---

& Gail: Well, we can’t go north, we can’t go south, east is like Nukeville U.S.A.
    Melissa: Guess we only have one option.
    Carol: Oh, don’t say it.
    Gail: Los Angeles.

& Tandy: We’re like a needle in a haystack. I’ll take it one step further. The needle is hay-colored. And the haystack is made of needles.

& Todd: Well, here’s two solid candidates, Ship Happens and The Sea Word.

& Todd: No Boats about It? It’s like they didn’t even try.

& Tandy: Oh, the miracle of nipples. Nature’s horchata.

& Melissa: Yeah, Tandy, we don’t have time.
    Tandy: Americans. Hurry up and wait. You feel me, Erica?

& Tandy: Anyway, the word toast comes to mind because America is now toast to us.

& Tandy: I’ll keep this brief ’cause I know that time is of the essence. But, uh, I’d like to spend five minutes per person on what each of you mean to me...

& Tandy: ...And when it comes to the happiness and well-being of this group, I can 100%, absolutely, positively, with absolutely no reservations, assure you, positively... this is only the beginning.
    Pat: Of the end... Remember me?

& Pamela: Hi. I’m Pamela.

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On the IMDb

When the Going Gets Tough

The Last Man on Earth 3×17

& Tandy: Now, we’re about to witness the first new life of our new world. Isn’t that exciting? Huh?

& Tandy: Heck, I might be the, uh, most important person in here, huh? You know, like in The Breakfast Club how that janitor is the eyes and ears of the school. Well, you know, I’m like the, uh, you know, the penis and testicles and pubic hair of this, uh, makeshift delivery room.

& Tandy: Hey, Gail, don’t even waste your friggin’ breath on thanks. .... Hey, I don’t want thanks any more than the common angel from heaven.

& Carol: The CD to which I am listening is called sounds of laughter. And it’s recordings of people laughing. This track is called «Girls Night Out.» But my favorite is «Church Giggles.»

& Jasper: Is Erica gonna die?
    Carol: Yes, I think so, Jasper.
    Melissa: Oh. Carol!
    Carol: What? Did you not hear her? If that didn’t sound like a death wail,

& Melissa: Carol, can you try not to be so morbid around Jasper?
    Carol: How?! Did you not see that list of things that could go wrong? One of them was a prolapsed anus!
    Melissa: I did see that one.

& Melissa: «Carol Andrew Pilbasian Miller, loving wife, devoted friend, died in childbirth after a torturous, protracted, bloody labor.»
    Carol: Yeah...

---

& Carol: Oh, my God, did she pass?... Put her body in a peaceful position before rigor mortis sets in.

& Gail: I don’t frickin’ know! You think somebody puts some blue scrubs on me, that makes me a doctor?!

& Tandy: Wait, Jasper, she’s not gonna die. Hey, childbirth is easy. That’s why I let Gail and Todd take that. Heck, you have more of a chance of dying on this slide than Erica has of dying in childbirth.

& Tandy: Okay, see you at the bottom.

& Carol: «Carol Andrew Pilbasian Miller has died. She was remembered as a survivor of the virus, a master bedazzler...» And a big fat coward.

& Tandy: Now, look, bud, she’s not dying. See, babies are quite large, but the openings they come out of are quite small. It’s a design flaw.

& Gail: Okay, well, where the hell is Carol? We really could use another set of hands here.
    Melissa: She’s too busy pussing out.
    Carol: ...Or is she too busy pussing in?

& Carol: Hey, little stinker. I got a present for you out here, but it’s only for born people. Huh? It’s kind of a Born Ultimatum.

& Gail: Okay, Erica... it’s go time.

& Tandy: Oh, farts.

--
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