La Abuela

The Last Man on Earth 4×5

Abuela: Prove to me that you are not incompetent... Ten seconds.

Abuela: Uh... Close. Just four moves away...

Carol: Okay, grab some bubbles and just wrap anything that looks dangerous. I'm talking choke-ables, flammables, decapitate-ables...

Tandy: What about all that talk about how this place had such great energy?
Carol: Well, Shark Tanks have great energy, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna walk into that room without a great business plan.
Tandy: Okay, lost me there.
Carol: Shark Tanks... The TV show, not the thing.

Carol: You don't want our baby getting SIFILISS.
Tandy: Syphilis?
Carol: SIFILISS. ... SIFILISS. You know, Sudden Infant Falling Into Large Indoor Spaces Syndrome?
Tandy: Oh, I thought you meant the other one.
Carol: No, I'm talking about the bad one.

Tandy: Looks like our baby won't be getting SIFILISS, after all. He or she is much more likely to get HERPESS.
Carol: Herpes?
Tandy: High Elevation Rugrat Positively Evades Staircase Syndrome.
Carol: Oh, that's music to my ears.

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Erica: I just don't get it. This baby has run from a nuclear holocaust, been stranded on a deserted island, lost at sea, and witnessed two murders, one decapitation and a headless body riding a Jet Ski. Now we're settled in a beautiful house and she's going nuts. It just doesn't make any sense.

Gail: Just as I suspected. Looks like we got an adrenaline junkie baby on our hands.

Tandy: Oh, bud, bud, bud. You got this all wrong. Let me show you the magic of the piñata. Here, hand me that poker-I-hardly-knew-her...

Tandy: Now, this thing is a friggin' candy bomb. And the object is to knock the crap out of it to get to the candy center. It's the same basic technology behind the Tootsie Pop...

Carol: .... Those aren't the things about which I'm worried!
Tandy: Then what the hell are you worried about?
Carol: The virus, Tandy! The virus. What are we gonna do if our baby gets the virus?
Tandy: I don't know. But if that happens... none of this matters.
Carol: I know.
Tandy: So, wh-why are you doing it?
Carol: Because it's the only thing I can do.

Abuela: "Good news, bad news, who can say?" It all depends where the story ends. And that is the only thing in life we can predict. The only thing we truly know. Everybody's story ends the same way... Death.

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