Counseling

The Office 7×2

Toby Flenderson: I actually have a degree in social work. I mean, I know a lot of people would just ask a few standard questions and tick off a few boxes, but I've got a chance to do some good here.
Michael Scott: I know what you wanna ask me. "Did your mom ever see you naked?"
Toby Flenderson: We can do this with more privacy.
Michael Scott: So you can molest me?

Toby Flenderson: I'd like you to imagine a place where you feel very peaceful... For me, it's the walk from the yogurt shop to my car, after I drop my daughter off on Sunday afternoons.

Phyllis Lapin: I... I'm glad Michael's getting help. He has a lot of issues, and he's stupid.

Gabe Lewis: Pam, I don't want to accuse you of anything. I just want everything to be back the way it's supposed to be. Can you just admit... Admit...
Pam Beesly: Admit what?
Gabe Lewis: I don't want to say it.
Pam Beesly: Say it!
Gabe Lewis: Mm, mm-mm.
Pam Beesly: Say that I'm lying, or say I have the job! Make a definitive statement, Gabe.
Gabe Lewis: Statements of such a nature, while they have their place, are overused in a competitive business environment.
Pam Beesly: Great! Well, let me know if you need a new chair, or anything that an office administrator can handle.
Gabe Lewis: Will do... Could I get one of those nameplates that says "Gabe Lewis"?
Pam Beesly: For sure! Anything else?

Pam Beesly: The first lesson of watching World Poker Tour at 2:00 A.M.: You play the opponent, not the cards.

—
+ Quotes on the IMDb

Nepotism

The Office 7×1

Michael Scott: I suppose summer had to end sometime. It's sad, though, because I had a great summer. I got West Nile virus. Lost a ton of weight. Then I went back to the Lake. I stepped on a piece of glass in the parking lot... Which hurt. That got infected, even though I peed on it. Saw Inception. Or at least I dreamt I did...

Erin Hannon: Gabe is awesome. He has accomplished so much career-wise and height-wise. Thank God he's my boss because I would not have said yes to a first date If I didn't have to. But... It's been great.

Pam Beesly: What are you doing?!
Dwight Schrute: From now on, if you're hot, sit on an ice pack.
Kevin Malone: Well, what if you're cold?
Dwight Schrute: Pbbbt! Like you'd ever be cold, Kevin. Stop asking me hypothetical questions. I'm too busy.

Dwight Schrute: Dwight Schrute, star salesman, beet farmer. Bed and breakfast proprietor. Aspiring freelance bodyguard. Add to that list owner of this building. Then burn the list.

Darryl Philbin: Well, summer, I, um, blew out my knee playing softball. Ended up watching CNN most of the time. I don't know how we're gonna get out of Afghanistan.

Jim Halpert: Wow, that's a lot of keys.
Dwight Schrute: The bigger the key chain, the more powerful the man.
Jim Halpert: That's right. The janitor said that. By the way, the raccoons are back.

Michael Scott: He's my nephew... Luke is my nephew.
Oscar Martinez: Michael, that's nepotism. Luke is getting special treatment because he's your nephew.
Michael Scott: Yes, exactly. That is a very nice way of putting it, Oscar. Mixing family and business is a beautiful thing.
Stanley Hudson: What's wrong with a level playing field?
Michael Scott: Do think they should have had open auditions for the band Hanson? What if no one named Hanson showed up? That wouldn't even make sense. Or what if they just hired the littlest kid and a 50-year-old guy who was a murderer? Really safe.
Jim Halpert: Oh, man, so many points being made...
Creed Bratton: I couldn't care less about nepotism. But I'm loving the debate. Great minds battling it out. And I've got a front row seat.

Michael Scott: God, when he needed help on earth, who did he hire? Jesus Christ, his son.
Oscar Martinez: But you're comparing you and Luke to God and Jesus.
Michael Scott: No! No. I'm just saying, why does God get to do something that I don't?

Oscar Martinez: We're talking about Luke, who happens to be terrible.
Michael Scott: Well, then, why aren't you bugging me to fire everybody who's bad? You just want me to fire Luke. That's reverse nepotism. He should not be punished because he is related to me and bad at what he does!

Kelly Kapoor: I would just like to say something off of what Darryl said about the level playing field. That is actually a zoning issue... So thank you.

Michael Scott: Guys, look. I don't want you to treat him like anyone else in the office. I just want you to treat him like my nephew.

Jo Bennett: Well, I got a nephew too. But he don't work for me. You know why? 'cause he's a screw-up. He can swim in my pool, but he can't come in my house.
Michael Scott: Well, this office is my pool. And my house is my house. And I just want my nephew to work in my pool.

Michael Scott: There are many different schools of thought on capital punishment...
Kevin Malone: That was awesome.
Stanley Hudson: Texas justice.

—
+ Quotes on the IMDb
+ Soundtrack

Whistleblower

The Office 6×26

Michael Scott: There is nothing wrong, nor will there ever be wrong, with any Sabre printers. Case closed. Michael Scott, as seen on TV.

Kevin Malone: Jo, I think that I know what happened.
Jo Bennett: I'm not sure you do, teddy bear.
Kevin Malone: Well, now I think I might not.

Michael Scott: Anyone who talked to the press, please raise your hand. ... If you say anything, so help me God, I'll break off the temples of your glasses and stick them in your eye sockets.

Andy Bernard: So unfair. Even if I thought that our printers killed baby seals, I would not be a whistleblower. The Bernards, for generations, have silenced whistleblowers. It's how we made all our money. Woody Guthrie wrote a song about us.
     Old Mister Bernard
     Old Mister Bernard
     Who have you silenced today?

Jo Bennett: When Mama was working as a prison guard, and something went missing, she'd ask one question, "What do we do when we find the guilty party?" And if they said, "Come down on them with that swift hammer of justice," innocent. A clear conscience don't need no mercy. But if they said, "Officer Bessie, well, they may have had a reason." Blah, blah, blah, blah... Well, nine times out of 10, that's the anus they checked.

Jo Bennett: Okay, Dwight--
Dwight Schrute: Hold that thought. I don't want to waste your time and I wouldn't dare waste mine. I didn't do it. Now, I don't know exactly who did it, but I have a list right here. You should fire the following people.

Michael Scott: Is there something that you would like to say to me?
Andy Bernard: About talking to the press? Uh, I do... No... I didn't do that. Okay? Didn't do it.
Michael Scott: I don't believe you.
Andy Bernard: I swear on the graves of my parents who aren't even dead yet.
Michael Scott: That's a little much.
Andy Bernard: All right, all right.
Michael Scott: I don't care. That's how much, I swear.

Jo Bennett: And we didn't find anything on your computer.
Toby Flenderson: Good.
Jo Bennett: Except this...
Toby Flenderson: Wow. This is just a mystery novel that I've been working on.
Jo Bennett: I know what it is. I skimmed the first chapter. I'm just curious, why would a man who hates people want to have a relationship with a maid?
Toby Flenderson: I don't know...
Jo Bennett: The way I look at it, there's only one of two reasons. He knows a secret about her that she doesn't know herself. Or he wants to use her services to mop up after a murder.
Toby Flenderson: ... Yes! Write your own damn novel.

Michael Scott: Oh, God. My mind is going a mile an hour.
Pam Beesly: That fast?

Michael Scott: Two whistleblowers. Two.

Michael Scott: It's okay, she's cool. She also whistle-blew.

Kelly Kapoor: Of course I'm the leak. I think I tweeted it. I can't control what I say to people. I spend the whole day talking. I mean, I video chat, I skype, I text, I tweet, I phone, I woof.

Ryan Howard: Woof is a site that I'm launching to be the last word in social networking. For just $12.99 a month, Woof links up all your communication portals, so you are always within reach. It's part of the dog pack, as I call it.

Michael Scott: You know what I think we should do? We make them come to work. And we work them, and we make them sit next to all the people they screwed over. And we pay them, but we make them feel like they did something really wrong. The one question I have is, "Do we give them a Christmas bonus?" I say yes, it's Christmas, but right after, they're back into the thick of it.

Jo Bennett: Michael Scott... What do you know?
Michael Scott: What? It doesn't matter what I know.
Jo Bennett: If it doesn't matter, then tell me.
Michael Scott: Why?
Jo Bennett: Because I wanna deal with it the way I deal with it.
Michael Scott: Well, deal with this.

Jo Bennett: Honey, you don't seem like your normal self...
Michael Scott: Well, I'm going through a little bit of a rough patch.
Jo Bennett: Mama Jo knew there was something up!
Michael Scott: The whole year, actually. My favorite restaurant closed down.
Jo Bennett: Oh. I hate that.
Michael Scott: And my new favorite restaurant sucks. I bought a video camera last year and I was looking at the tapes, and there were only, like, 12 minutes that I felt was worth taping. The whole year... And most of that was just birds in my condo complex.

Jo Bennett: When I was growing up, there was nothing better than being a big old business tycoon. And I thought I'd break that glass ceiling and be a hero to all those little girls out there. And they'd make a Barbie out of me... I hate that I sell cheap printers. I do. But if I have to go out there in front of the press and make one of them public apology recalls, I mean, that's all I'll ever be remembered for. Nobody will want to play with my Barbie.
Michael Scott: Well, you know, I would be willing... Under the right circumstances, to do that for you.
Jo Bennett: Oh, honey, surely you don't want that.
Michael Scott: I surely do, and don't call me honey.

Jo Bennett: I hope your rough patch ends soon.
Michael Scott: Thanks. Today helped.
Jo Bennett: Well, give a shout if I can brighten your life.
Michael Scott: Okay. Hey, you could transfer Holly back from Nashua.
Jo Bennett: Let me see what I can do...

—
+ Quotes on the IMDb

The Chump

The Office 6×25

Michael Scott: God! You say radon is silent but deadly and then you expect me not to make farting noises with my mouth?

Michael Scott: You know what, we're not gonna die of radon, we're gonna die of boredom.

Michael Scott: And if I had a gun with two bullets, and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.
Dwight Schrute: Okay, all right. You were being really funny and then you went too far.
Michael Scott: I would kill Bin Laden and then Toby.
Dwight Schrute: No. That's still...

Pam Beesly: Please, please! And if he makes a joke, just laugh it up no matter what, okay?

Jim Halpert: So, we're gonna say the most likely scenario is that Michael matured overnight?
Andy Bernard: It happened to Tom Hanks in Big.
Jim Halpert: Exactly. It happened in Big.

Michael Scott: I like Donna. Is it wrong to keep seeing her? Depends on who you ask. I mean, if you ask her husband or you took a random poll, yeah, it's wrong.
Meredith Palmer: That is something I would never do.
Michael Scott: Well, I think we all know what you're capable of, Meredith.
Meredith Palmer: Hey, I have never cheated on, been cheated on or been used to cheat with. I ask everyone in the room, "Are you in a relationship?"

Michael Scott: People, this is Scranton and many people consider that to be the Paris of northeastern Pennsylvania. And in Paris, it is rude for a woman to have less than four lovers.
Kelly Kapoor: Ugh! Ryan, I do not want you hanging out with Michael anymore.

Michael Scott: You know what? You know what? I am declaring a moment of silence right now. Ten minutes of silence honoring Michael Jackson. Just sit there and think about Michael Jackson.

Andy Bernard: For those of you unfamiliar with William Shakespeare, a cuckold is a man whose woman is cheating on him. I've lived the part. And let me tell you, I would so much rather play the part on stage.

Andy Bernard: So, here's the thing about infidelity--
Michael Scott: No, no. When are you people going to stop casting the first stone? I am not in the wrong here. I am the good guy. How does that work? Do you think this husband is a super sweet, nice guy? Do you think he's an angel? I don't think so. Why is his wife going off and having a little something-something with me? There has to be a problem with him.

Andy Bernard: Let's go check it out.
Michael Scott: I have work to do.
Andy Bernard: Really? I thought you were the boss...
Michael Scott: Let's go. I can't wait to see this jerk who is making me cheat on his wife. I should punch him in the nose for what he's making me do to her.

Gabe Lewis: I don't want to be the heavy here, but honestly, guys, this makes us all look bad.
Jim Halpert: Sorry about that.
Pam Beesly: So embarrassing.
Gabe Lewis: Good, okay, end of the dressing down. I just hate that part of the job, you know? The power dynamic.

Dwight Schrute: Are you warmed up?
Angela Martin: No.
Dwight Schrute: God, Angela, why is that always my responsibility?

Michael Scott: I'm a little bit emotional right now because I know that I absolutely made the right decision. At the end of the day, we have to do what's right. And it was either living with myself or being happy. And I picked... the former.

—
+ Quotes on the IMDb

The Cover-Up

The Office 6×24

Dwight Schrute: Stop it!
Jim Halpert: Stop what?
Dwight Schrute: You're talking about me in Morse Code. But you know what? Joke's on you 'cause I know Morse Code. Ha!
Jim Halpert: Yeah, that's what we're doing...
Pam Beesly: In our very limited free time and with our very limited budget, we went and got a nanny, and then we went out and took a class on a very outmoded and very unnecessary form of communication just so we can talk about you in front of you.
Jim Halpert: Yep, that's exactly what we did.
Pam Beesly: It all started when Dwight was tapping his foot against the leg of his desk. When I asked him to stop, he said, "I will when you lose the baby weight..."

Michael Scott: Things with Donna are so... They're going great! I... We're just clicking on every level. Emotionally, and sexually, and orally.

Michael Scott: And the reason you are here is that I need ideas for things that Donna and I can do on the weekend. So just shout it out.
Stanley Hudson: I have an idea for your weekend.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Stanley Hudson: Let me go back to my desk right now.
Michael Scott: Okay. You get out of here, big dog.

Michael Scott: Okay. And she won't say, "I love you."
Andy Bernard: Oh, no. How many dates have you been on?
Michael Scott: Nine dates. I said it on the second date.
Oscar Martinez: That seems quick, even for lesbians.

Pam Beesly: Oh, no, no, no, no. Michael, do not let your imagination run amok.
Michael Scott: Run what?
Pam Beesly: Amok. It means don't let your imagination run out of control.
Michael Scott: Why didn't you just say that, Pam?
Pam Beesly: Michael, do not let your imagination run out of control.
Michael Scott: Well, that's easy for you to say.

Dwight Schrute: All cases are solved with logic. The only logical way to find out if Donna is a cheater is to seduce her, bring her to orgasm, then call Michael and tell him the sad news.

Jim Halpert: Wow. It's a little early for ice cream, don't you think?
Michael Scott: It's never too early for ice cream, Jim. But we didn't have any ice cream, so this is mayonnaise and black olives.

Pam Beesly: No, no, no, no, no. Undo that.
Michael Scott: It's too late to undo it. I need to know, otherwise this thing is going to spiral out of amok.

Dwight Schrute: Hey, you know an exercise for two people that uses the whole body?
Donna Newton: Yeah, I think I know what you're talking about.
Dwight Schrute: Tractor pull. Too bad there's not a tractor here.

Dwight Schrute: One thing you need to know about me, I don't quit until something tears or pops.

Dwight Schrute: Listen, we both know why I'm here. To see you naked while I'm naked.

Dwight Schrute: Here's your expense receipts. Right there.
Michael Scott: ... Who eats eight protein bars?
Dwight Schrute: People who don't trust egg whites.

Erin Hannon: Maybe you'd be more comfortable in your own office.
Michael Scott: No, I like the attention.

Michael Scott: Who the hell is this? Who is this guy?
Pam Beesly: I don't know who it is.
Michael Scott: God! Lowest of the low, that guy. Just a notch above Toby.

Michael Scott: Who is he?
Donna Newton: Wait, what do you mean?
Michael Scott: The other man. Who's the guy? Who is it?
Donna Newton: It's you. I'm married.
Michael Scott: I'm the mistress?

—
+ Quotes on the IMDb

Body Language

The Office 6×23

Jim Halpert: This is our first joint sales pitch.
Pam Beesly: I think we're gonna work really well together.
Jim Halpert: Yeah. I think we have complementary strengths. We understand each other.
Pam Beesly: We have good give and take. I give, he takes!
Jim Halpert: I don't even know who you are anymore.

Dwight Schrute: How do I apply?
Gabe Lewis: You have to be a minority.
Dwight Schrute: Glasses wearers, cholera survivors, geniuses, non-organic family farmers. The list goes on and on. You want me to keep going?
Gabe Lewis: Those don't really count.We're thinking more ethnic and racial minorities.

Dwight Schrute: I think you should consider applying for the executive minority training program.
Kelly Kapoor: I never thought of myself as an executive before.
Dwight Schrute: I know, 'cause you have no role models. How many Indian CEOs can you think of?
Kelly Kapoor: I can't think of any CEOs, any race.
Dwight Schrute: You could be the Indian Bill Gates. You could be the Indian Ted Turner.
Kelly Kapoor: I could be the Indian Julia Roberts.
Dwight Schrute: That's not... She's... Okay. Yes.

Kevin Malone: Look at that. She's totally flirting with him.
Phyllis Lapin: You don't know that. Some people can't help oozing sexuality...
Creed Bratton: You ever notice you can only ooze two things? Sexuality and pus. Man, I tell you.
Phyllis Lapin: She just crossed her arms together. That's bad.
Pam Beesly: Maybe she's just pushing her breasts together to make them look bigger...
Kevin Malone: Like that?

Oscar Martinez: I don't see how we could possibly sell these for that little without losing money. Delivery alone will cost...
Michael Scott: Okay, well, sometimes, sometimes it makes financial sense to lose money, right? Like, for tax purposes.
Oscar Martinez: Actually, I ran the numbers on this, and in this case, it makes more financial sense to gain money.
Michael Scott: Why don't you run them again?

Jim Halpert: What if she's just flirting with you to get a better price?
Michael Scott: If she is, it's working.
Kevin Malone: Yeah, Michael, here's a trick. Ask her if she wants a mint. If she says no, then she is not interested.

Jim Halpert: She does not like him.
Pam Beesly: You can flirt with someone to get what you want and also be attracted to them. How do you think we got together?

Dwight Schrute: You know, we really should keep practicing for this interview.
Kelly Kapoor: Oh, that's okay. Ryan coached me.
Dwight Schrute: Ryan? What does he know?
Ryan Howard: It's easy. You just turn every question around on them. Do you think you're treated differently because of your race?
Kelly Kapoor: Would you ask that same question if I was white? We're so in.
Dwight Schrute: We?
Kelly Kapoor: When I become executive, I'm gonna make Ryan manager. And then the two of us are cleaning house.

Dwight Schrute: What I'm offering is a ticket on a bullet train straight to middle management.
Stanley Hudson: Dwight, I know these programs. Every color is important, because together we make a rainbow.
Dwight Schrute: Yes.
Stanley Hudson: I'll slap you in the face with a rainbow.
Dwight Schrute: Mmm. Speaking of rainbows, Oscar, you are kind of a double minority. Gay. So, we at Sabre could really benefit from your perspective.

Kelly Kapoor: For hobbies, yoga, belly dancing, nails, I like lying...

Gabe Lewis: Kelly Rajanigandha Kapoor... They're going to be pretty pleased in Tallahassee that I snagged an Indian for the program. She'll be the first. The program's mostly black. It's almost too black... That didn't sound right.

Kelly Kapoor: Thank you, Dwight.
Dwight Schrute: Oh.
Kelly Kapoor: I'll never forget everything that you've done for me.
Dwight Schrute: Gosh.
Kelly Kapoor: Because I never forget anything.

Dwight Schrute: Just once I would like to be a puppet master and have nothing go wrong. Is that too much to ask?

—
+ Quotes on the IMDb

Secretary's Day

The Office 6×22

Erin Hannon: What was maternity leave like?
Pam Beesly: Oh. How do I explain it? It rocked. It rocked my ass off.

Gabe Lewis: The beginning here has been a little bit of a fiasco. Either they don't respect me, or they respect me too much. And some of them still think that I'm the IT guy. This Cookie Monster thing is an opportunity to show people that I'm an authority figure.
Gabe Lewis: Hello, everyone. If I might have a moment of your time. It's come to my attention that people have been watching and laughing at a hurtful parody video. It is now forbidden to talk, joke about, or email this around. Yeah. And that's straight from corporate, so... Not to be scary, but, yeah, I would listen to me. And that's all.

Jim Halpert: What's up?
Dwight Schrute: Her milk is coming in. She's getting uncomfortable.
Jim Halpert: Dwight, don't be gross.
Pam Beesly: No, no, he's right.
Dwight Schrute: Same thing happens with my cows if I don't tend them frequently enough. You gotta milk them, or else they'll moo like crazy.

Dwight Schrute: All right, this is gonna traumatize me a hell of a lot more than you, believe me.
Pam Beesly: You know what, Dwight? Let me just check the bathroom first. Okay?
Dwight Schrute: Really? Fine. Let your breasts explode. Three squeezes and I would drain you.

Andy Bernard: Okay. As some of you may know, I have a very special connection to Secretary's Day in the form of that 115-pound moonbeam over there named Erin Hannon. To a lot of you she may just be the person who brings you your fax confirmations, but to me, she is my girlfriend... in addition to being the person who brings me my fax confirmations. So, I wrote a little ditty that I would like to play for all of you right now. It's a little tune called Secretary of Love. One, two, one, two, three...

Erin Hannon: It was Andy, wasn't it?
Pam Beesly: No, no, it wasn't Andy. It wasn't. It doesn't matter. It's not about who you've been with. It's about who you end up with... Sometimes the heart doesn't know what it wants until it finds what it wants.
Erin Hannon: ... I hope you find what you're looking for.
Pam Beesly: Thank... you.

Gabe Lewis: That was ugly. I'm sorry that you had to see that.
Kelly Kapoor: Well, do they still get paid?
Gabe Lewis: It's tacky to discuss finances. It's best to pretend that this never happened.
Oscar Martinez: Sounds like they just got to go home with pay.

—
+ Quotes on the IMDb

Happy Hour

The Office 6×21

Darryl Philbin: Want me to invite Matt?
Oscar Martinez: Yeah, the whole gang. Matt included.
Darryl Philbin: Look, just be straight with me, man. You can be gay with Matt, just be straight with me.
Darryl Philbin: So, happy hour.
Oscar Martinez: Happy hour.

Jim Halpert: Okay, why don't we just finish the game?
Pam Beesly: Michael, it's your shot.
Michael Scott: She can't talk to us that way. You guys are stripes, I think. You let somebody talk to you like that, where does it stop?
Jim Halpert: It stopped.
Michael Scott: Well, I am starting it again!

Donna Newton: Well, I'm the manager here, sir.
Michael Scott: Well, it just so happens that I'm a manager, too, and the way I manage people is that I touch their hearts and souls with humor, with love and maybe a dash of razzle-dazzle, and I don't see that from you.
Donna Newton: Is that how you do it?
Michael Scott: Yes, it is. I'm writing a book about it.
Donna Newton: Really? How much have you written?
Michael Scott: I've written all of it. In my head. If you're really interested, it is called Somehow I Manage, and there's going to be a picture of me on the cover shrugging with my sleeves rolled up.

Julie: I think I'm gonna go.
Pam Beesly: Really? I'm sorry. He's not usually like that.
Julie: What's he usually like?
Pam Beesly: He's more just... Like... You can go.

—
+ Quotes on the IMDb
+ Soundtrack

New Leads

The Office 6×20

Michael Scott: I would like your undivided attention, please.
Dwight Schrute: You couldn't handle my undivided attention.
Michael Scott: Over the last few weeks, things have been changing here. Sabre says it is our duty to support the sales team, and the salesmen are letting it go to their heads. I think it's kind of screwed up, because the way this place used to work was make friends first, make sales second, make love third, in no particular order.

Dwight Schrute: Salesman is King. As the best salesman, I am King of Kings. Oh, you say Jesus is King of Kings? Well, what does that say to you about how I think of myself?

Angela Martin: Do you not answer emails anymore? Because I have emailed you four times asking you to come to my desk.
Phyllis Lapin: Honey, if I don't have time to answer an email, I definitely don't have time to walk over to your desk.

Michael Scott: Look at that. That's...
Darryl Philbin: I know who did that.
Michael Scott: You saw who did this and you didn't stop them?
Darryl Philbin: Didn't have to see. It was sales, I can feel it. They are out of control.
Michael Scott: The sales department smashed my sandwich.
Darryl Philbin: Yes. All of them. Together. It's a conspiracy.

Michael Scott: I'm trying to make your kids respect you, because a father needs to respect his boss, and kids don't respect the father who doesn't respect the boss. Do you understand that line of logic?
Jim Halpert: I don't even think you understand it.
Michael Scott: I do understand it. This one's a map.
Jim Halpert: Or is it?

Michael Scott: Today I turned an office crisis into a teachable moment. A lesser manager would have screwed this day up royally. I can imagine some yokel sitting behind his desk saying, "Oh, yeah, take a lead. Learn nothing." Some people shouldn't be in this business.

Michael Scott: Amazing, isn't it?
Dwight Schrute: No other animal on Earth could do this. Maybe beavers. But not like this.

Michael Scott: You know what would be a great picture here? Just this whole dump, and in the middle, one flower.
Dwight Schrute: Mmm-hmm.
Michael Scott: That's it.
Dwight Schrute: Wow.
Michael Scott: And the caption would read...
Dwight Schrute: "Hope grows."
Michael Scott: "In a dump."

—
+ Quotes on the IMDb

St. Patrick's Day

The Office 6×19

Michael Scott: Green M&M's. Nature's Viagra. Two of my favorite joke areas combined. It's gonna be a good day.

Michael Scott: It is St. Patrick's Day, and here in Scranton, that is a huge deal. It is the closest that the Irish will ever get to Christmas.

Dwight Schrute: Tweedledee and Tweedle Dumbass have been away on maternity leave, but now Tweedle Dumbass is back and we have a problem.

Michael Scott: When you work for Sabre, only one thing matters, and I don't care if you're a loser or you practice bestiality, if Jo likes you, you are in. And I am in.

Jo Bennett: Enough!

Michael Scott: Let's follow the chain of events. Jo likes Michael, Jo invites Michael to house, Jo doesn't like Michael anymore. Mmm.

Michael Scott: You are stressed and I am taking you to lunch.
Jo Bennett: No, that's very generous of you, but I'm all set.
Michael Scott: No is not an option.
Jo Bennett: Yes, it is.
Michael Scott: ... All right, well, if you need me, I'll be on the other side of that wall. Knock once for yes, twice for no.
Jo Bennett: How many knocks does it take to get you to do some work?

Michael Scott: Seriously. How did you do it?
Darryl Philbin: I made a suggestion at the meeting that was good. You were there.
Michael Scott: How do I put this delicately? Does her family owe your family something in terms of a past injustice?

Michael Scott: So, I think I'm done. Gonna head out, unless you want to chat, like we were doing earlier.
Jo Bennett: Well, there's chatting time and there's working time, and I'm still on working time.
Michael Scott: Mmm? Well, the clock says chatting time, so...
Jo Bennett: Well, if you feel like you've done a solid day's work.
Michael Scott: Right... What?
Jo Bennett: Well, I mean, if you can put your name on this day and be proud of the amount of work you've done, then by all means, you should toodle on home.
Michael Scott: Mmm... Okay.
Jo Bennett: Is there something else I can help you with?
Michael Scott: No, no, no, that's super clear-ish.

Michael Scott: How late are we gonna work tonight?
Gabe Lewis: You never know with Jo. Sometimes we're here until midnight, sometimes she doesn't show up for three days.
Michael Scott: Why does she do that? Why doesn't she just tell you what your schedule is?
Gabe Lewis: Yeah. That'd be awesome. I could get a girlfriend. I wouldn't have to go to Amsterdam seven times a year. But I'm young, right? I will date when I'm dead.

Michael Scott: Do I really want to turn out like Gabe? Twenty-six, single, tied to my desk, no life, no family. I want to have been married by the time I would have turned 30. That's just... That's just depressing.

—
+ Quotes on the IMDb
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The Delivery

The Office 6×17&18

Dwight Schrute: No. No! You need to come by your sales honorably.
Jim Halpert: There is nothing dishonorable about talking about your life.
Pam Beesly: People like it.

Kevin Malone: Pregnant Pam and I, we get hungry at the same times, so we've been eating together a lot. Not all meals. Just second breakfast, lunch, second lunch and first dinner. I thought that maybe we should do something special for early dinner. One last ultra feast.

Pam Beesly: If we check in after midnight, I get an extra day to recuperate surrounded by doctors.
Jim Halpert: Not to mention the extra night's sleep in the hospital will be very nice, because once we bring the baby home, if it's crying all night, one of us is gonna have to take care of it, and I do not plan on helping unless it's a boy.
Pam Beesly: I cannot wait for that joke to be over. Oh!

Dwight Schrute: Bear my child.
Angela Martin: Excuse me?!
Dwight Schrute: I want to have a child for business reasons and I want you to be the mother. If you agree, say nothing. If you disagree, say anything... Very well. Let's meet at 4:00 p.m. In our old meeting spot and bang it out.

Jim Halpert: Okay, but we are leaving at five minutes apart.
Pam Beesly: Five minutes apart.
Jim Halpert: So the plan was seven minutes, but we're calling an audible, because that's her call, 'cause she's the quarterback. I'm just the left tackle who happened to get her pregnant.

Jim Halpert: I feel like this noise is gonna prevent Pam from being able to listen to her body's signals.
Pam Beesly: Actually, the distractions are good. I don't think I'm gonna make it till midnight if I'm just sitting here thinking about it.

Michael Scott: The purpose for this meeting is to take Pam's mind off of what's going on inside of her body.

Dwight Schrute: Have a seat.
Angela Martin: What is this?
Dwight Schrute: Before we conceive a child, it is important that we bang out a parenting contract.
Angela Martin: Of course.

Jim Halpert: Where are we?
Michael Scott: We have every six minutes, ladies and gentlemen.
Phyllis Lapin: Another 75 contractions and you are going to be there.

Jim Halpert: Are you sure?
Pam Beesly: Yeah, the doctor said that it's still considered a minor contraction as long as I can talk through it--

Pam Beesly: We're gonna have a baby.
Jim Halpert: So let's have it at the hospital.

Michael Scott: Nope. Not yet. Not yet. Not yet... Gotta go wash my eyes. That kid's gonna have a lot of hair.

Jim Halpert: She's incredible.
Pam Beesly: You want to count her fingers and toes again?
Jim Halpert: No, let's let her rest. I'm sure there are still 12 of each.

Michael Scott: There she sat. Her name was Pam. She was a receptionist. She was engaged to an animal. There sat Jim. He was a gawky, tall salesman. The odds of them getting together were insurmountainable. I made a family. I got these two together and I made a family. This man has a gift. Who else here is single? ... I am offering up my services to you all. You saw what I did with Pam and Jim. I can help you, too.

Michael Scott: Well, when you least expect it, expect it. I am going to fill the empty voids in your life with love. I am going to fill that empty hole in your body with another person. And like Cupid, I am going to shoot you with love.

Pam Beesly: Oh, shoot. Shoot, she fell off. Oh. Uh...
Jim Halpert: Try the torpedo thing.
Pam Beesly: Will you just grab Clarke real quick?
Jim Halpert: No need. I saw him do it. I can try it.
Pam Beesly: Jim, please, please, please. I think it would be weird if you did it.
Jim Halpert: That makes sense. I'll just go get the other guy.

Pam Beesly: Oh, my God.
Jim Halpert: What?
Pam Beesly: Wrong baby.

Dwight Schrute: What? I couldn't find your iPod. Give me a couple days. Be out of your hair.

—
+ Quotes from Part 1 on the IMDb
+ Quotes from Part 2 on the IMDb

Manager and Salesman

The Office 6×16

Gabe Lewis: That is Jim Halpert. He is the co-regional manager of this office.
Jo Bennett: I thought this guy was the manager.
Gabe Lewis: Oh, he is. He's the co-manager. That's the other co-manager.
Jo Bennett: Two guys doing one job? We gotta do something about that.

Michael Scott: Jo, I don't know how things work in Florida, which from your description sounds like a colorful, lawless swamp, but here it takes two men to do one job, where in Florida, it might take one very strong woman to do such a job. Jim Halpert: Whoa. Whoa. I'll take over. Um, what we're doing here, Michael handles more of the big picture stuff, and I handle more of the day-to-day stuff.
Jo Bennett: Yeah.
Jim Halpert: So, together...
Jo Bennett: I think I understand.
Jim Halpert: All right.
Jo Bennett: Each of you is doing half a job.

Jo Bennett: I think one of you should return to Sales, and the other one will be a manager.
Michael Scott: I humbly accept the management position.
Jim Halpert: Why would you just automatically get it?
Michael Scott: Because, well, Jim, where I'm from, there are two types of folk, those who ain't and those who are knee-high on a grasshopper. Which type ain't you ain't?

Michael Scott: Now, Jim here is thinking about taking himself out of the running for being manager.
Jim Halpert: Yep.
Jo Bennett: Oh, really? That is so sweet of you!
Michael Scott: But I cannot accept, because I have been thinking about it, and I think I want to go back to Sales.
Jim Halpert: Really?
Jo Bennett: Really?
Michael Scott: Yeah, you can take the man out of the salesman, but you can't take the sales out of salesman.

Jo Bennett: Well, I think you're both being a little too modest.
Jim Halpert: No, I really, really think Michael is better at being manager for so many reasons.
Jo Bennett: Mmm-mmm.
Michael Scott: No. I think I would be bad. I would sleep in my office... And I would sexually harass people.
Jo Bennett: Why would you do that?
Michael Scott: I'm turning myself in right now.

Michael Scott: Have fun signing my commission checks, boss.

Michael Scott: Who should I call with my magic sales fingers?... Michael Scott, Head of Sales...
Jim Halpert: You gotta do something, man. You can't just sit there.

Dwight Schrute: I imagine one of the best things about being an IT guy is, you get to know everyone's computer passwords.
Nick: No, I actually don't.
Dwight Schrute: Listen, I know you have to say that, but we got a little problem here... There is an employee named Jim Halpert, and he's doing some terrible things. Okay? He's molesting people via the Internet, and we need to stop him.

—
+ Quotes on the IMDb
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Sabre

The Office 6×15

Michael Scott: Dunder Mifflin was recently bought by an electronics company named Sah-bray. They stepped in at the eleventh hour and they saved our asses. Although David Wallace said that we were the one branch that was actually working right, so we probably could've saved our own asses. We didn't need them touching our asses.

Michael Scott: Okay, everybody, listen up. I have some bad news. Due to circumstances beyond my control...
Dwight Schrute: Impulsivity and inattention to detail...
Michael Scott: Hey, hey. I have opened a box which should not have been opened...
Dwight Schrute: Terrible mistake.
Michael Scott: ...and distributed things which should not have been distributed.
Dwight Schrute: Un-distributable.
Andy Bernard: You sure it's Sabre?

Michael Scott: So, you've been shown a nonsensical video. You're probably wondering, "What's going on?" Well, you're not alone.
Michael Scott: Wow. Really terrific.
Gabe Lewis: Most of our business comes from selling printers, so don't think of yourselves as paper salesmen anymore, but as printer salesmen who also sell paper.
Michael Scott: Perfect.
Michael Scott: No. Don't like that.

Michael Scott: There is a small part of me that is actually very excited about this new company. But 70% of me is water, and the other part, the real part, the part that has feelings and emotions and thoughts and makes decisions, and, if I can be crass, makes babies, that part thinks that all of these changes suck...

Michael Scott: I miss the old Dunder Mifflin. Too much change is not a good thing. Ask the climate.

Michael Scott: I don't want to appear ungrateful for everything Sabre is doing for us. I don't get that sense at all from you, so... Well, you should have a little, but it's great that you don't, because I am trying to embrace all of these changes. But I'm... I'll be honest, I'm having trouble wrapping my head around a couple of them.
Pam Beesly: Which ones?
Michael Scott: All of them.

Jo Bennett: Pardon. Pardon me, Mr. Scott, but the last time I saw a company as mismanaged as Dunder Mifflin was my grandson's snowball company, so you'll excuse me if I'd prefer that you all adapt to the way we do things.

Michael Scott: I have come here today to talk to Mr. David Wallace about this whole thing going on with Sabre. He will know exactly what to do. He is not a big fan of me dropping by unannounced, but then again, who is?

—
+ Quotes on the IMDb
+ Soundtrack

The Banker

The Office 6×14

Michael Scott: I'm making some cosmetic tweaks to help create a more appealing environment. Is that dishonest? Well, think of it this way. When you look in the mirror and you see your push-up bra and your fake eyelashes and your makeup and your press-on nails, the principles that I'm applying to the office are the same ones that have made Lady Gaga a star. Or any number of drag queens.

Pam Beesly: It might seem crazy, but since there's no one left in New York, Michael is Dunder Mifflin's highest ranking employee. So, that's where we are.

Dwight Schrute: So, the manager, Michael Scott is a bit of a character. He has more character in a single flake of his dandruff than you have in that entire snow bank on your shoulder.

Eric Ward: So, the staff, are people generally happy?
Toby Flenderson: Happy... is a funny word.
Eric Ward: In what way?
Toby Flenderson: You know... You know, what does it mean to be happy? Keep philosophers busy for a while.
Eric Ward: So, generally?
Toby Flenderson: Yes. Generally. Generally happy. Generally happy.

Toby Flenderson: I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I don't want to lie. And I don't want to tell the truth.

Michael Scott: This is a building where friends become lovers, and lovers become sexually interactive, right? Would you agree with that?
Toby Flenderson: Michael, this is really inappropriate to talk about.
Michael Scott: That is true.

—
+ Quotes on the IMDb
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Secret Santa

The Office 6×13

Pam Beesly: Is... Is it fake?
Jim Halpert: Pam.
Dwight Schrute: Yes! We are unveiling an artificial tree that will never die.
Jim Halpert: Yes.
Dwight Schrute: Like the spirit of Christmas.
Stanley Hudson: And we're supposed to applaud you for taking a giant diaper off a fake tree?

Phyllis Lapin: I have been wanting to be Santa for years. I believe I have the right temperament and the figure to do the job well. I slipped a note to Jim 11 weeks ago, and he said I could do it. It's been a long journey. But I'm Santa Claus!

Michael Scott: If this were Russia, yeah, sure, everybody would go to one Santa, and there would be a line around the block, and once you sat on her lap and she asked you what you wanted, you would say, probably, freedom, at which point the KGB would arrest you and send you to Siberia. It's a good thing Russia doesn't exist anymore.

Michael Scott: You know what, Jim? With two Santas in the room, things get ruthless. Do you understand? You forced my hand.

Jim Halpert: Michael, it's Phyllis. We want Phyllis as Santa.
Michael Scott: Do we? Do we? Is that what we want? Why don't we take a vote on it?

Michael Scott: I don't ask for much for Christmas. I really don't. It's not like I am begging people to buy me diamonds and broach pendants. Oh! "Buy me something expensive, or I'm gonna kill myself." That's not... I don't care about that!

Michael Scott: All I want to be is Santa. And you want to take that away from me, fine. Go ahead. But when you need my help because I am ruining everything, don't look at me!

Michael Scott: Behold, Jesus Christ. And I bring to you glad Christmas tidings.

Pam Beesly: They're the only two gay guys I know. But they should be together.

Angela Martin: All right, I just got out of the restroom, and it stinks. The warehouse needs to go.
Jim Halpert: Okay, wait. How do you know it's someone from the warehouse who stunk up the bathroom?
Angela Martin: They stink up the bathroom with their smelly poos, because they don't eat as quality food as us 'cause they're poor. It's science.

Michael Scott: David, guess who I am sitting here dressed as.
David Wallace: I'm not going to guess. You can tell me, or I will hang up.
Michael Scott: I will give you a hint. His last name is Christ. He has the power of flight. He can heal leopards.
David Wallace: Michael...
Michael Scott: I am Jesus, David, and you know why?

Michael Scott: You know what? Christmas isn't about Santa or Jesus. It's about the workplace.
Jim Halpert: The exact opposite of what you just said is true.
Michael Scott: See, that's exactly something that Jim would say, and I love him for it.

Michael Scott: All of you feel like my family. Ryan, you are my son, and Pam, you're my wife, and Jim... And Angela and Phyllis, you are my grandmas. And Oscar, you just moved in next door because of urban renewal. And Stanley, you're our mailman. And I can't help but look at all of your wonderful, beautiful faces and think, "How could they do this to us?"
Jim Halpert: What?
Pam Beesly: How could we do what to you?

—
+ Quotes on the IMDb
+ Soundtrack

Scott's Tots

The Office 6×12

Erin: What's "Scott's Tots"?
Stanley Hudson: Has it really been 10 years?
Pam Beesly: Michael, why did you promise that?
Michael Scott: To change lives.
Pam Beesly: No. Michael, why would you promise that?

Michael Scott: I just... I fell in love with these kids, and I didn't want to see them fall victim to the system. So... I made them a promise. I told them that if they graduated from high school, I would pay for their college education.

Michael Scott: I have made some empty promises in my life, but hands down, that was the most generous.

Michael Scott: No! I'm not a bad-news person. I bring good news, like when I promised those kids I'd pay for college.

Michael Scott: Thank you. Wow. I am never going to forget today. Not a chance. I don't think I could ever give back to you what you have given me today.

Michael Scott: Who here's done something stupid in their lives? Like skipped out on study hall or mix up the difference between A gym and B gym, that sort of thing? Show of hands... Anybody? Yes, a bunch of you. Okay. Well, me, too. I've done something stupid, which I would like to share.

Michael Scott: All right. I came here today because I promised you tuition, and tuition is very valuable. But you know what's invaluable? Is intuition. You know what that is? That is the ability to know when something is about to happen. Does anybody out there have intuition? Know what's gonna happen next? Nobody? Okay. You're gonna make me say it.

Michael Scott: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Mikela: You lied to us!
Michael Scott: Yep. I lied to myself, too. I'm not a millionaire. I thought I would be by the time I was 30, but I wasn't even close, and then I thought maybe by the time I was 40, but by 40 I had less money than when I was 30. Maybe by my 50s, I don't know.

Michael Scott: I wanted to pay for your education. I really did. It was my dream. Some people have evil dreams, some people have selfish dreams, or wet dreams. My dream was in the right place.

Creed Bratton: Guys, I'm starting to think Pam's not even pregnant.

Michael Scott: That's a lot of zeroes...

Michael Scott: Fifteen lives. I destroyed 15 young lives today.

—
+ Quotes on the IMDb

Shareholder Meeting

The Office 6×11

Phyllis Lapin: Not again.
Dwight Schrute: Bow down before Recyclops!
Jim Halpert: Five years ago corporate said we had to start a recycling program for Earth Day, so Dwight took the lead on that, and introduced us to a very close friend of his named Recyclops.
Dwight Schrute: Happy Earth Day, everyone! I'm Recyclops.

Pam Beesly: The thing I like most about Recyclops is that he's creating a different world for our child.
Jim Halpert: Hmm.
Pam Beesly: A world where you truly can be anything you want.
Jim Halpert: God bless you, Recyclops, and your cold robot heart.

Oscar Martinez: The long-term problem is bad investments that they need to dump. And the short-term problem is the company has no cash and there's nowhere to get it.
Michael Scott: Okay, Oscar. I don't need the whole enchilada, just bullet points.
Oscar Martinez: Those are the bullet points.
Michael Scott: Well, could you condense it, please?
Oscar Martinez: That's as simple as I can make it.

Michael Scott: Bunch of boobs! Hate to break it to you, Oscar, but some of us like boobs.
Dwight Schrute: Calves. Calves all the way.

Oscar Martinez: The Dunder Mifflin stock symbol is DMI. Do you know what that stands for? Dummies, Morons and Idiots, because that's what you'd have to be to own it. And as one of those idiots, I believe the board owes me answers.

Oscar Martinez: Just want to take this stupid board of directors by their necks. This is so simple.
Andy Bernard: Yeah.
Oscar Martinez: Idiots!
Andy Bernard: Well, you should do that. Get in line.
Oscar Martinez: Oh, what a great idea, and lose my job. No, thank you.
Andy Bernard: Look, do you want to be able to tell your grandkids you stood up for yourself during America's biggest financial crisis?
Dwight Schrute: How is he going to have grandkids?

Jim Halpert: Hey, Phyllis, are you just getting back from lunch now?
Phyllis Lapin: Mmm. Bob took me to Capello's. We got a little tipsy.
Jim Halpert: Okay. Shouldn't be telling me that stuff, and also shouldn't be taking two-hour lunches without telling me.
Phyllis Lapin: Oh, it's okay. Michael doesn't really care about these things.
Jim Halpert: I care about them. And I'm just as much of a boss as Michael... What's so funny? I'm a co-manager.
Stanley Hudson: That doesn't make you a boss.

Jim Halpert: Who here believes that I have as much power as Michael?...
Pam Beesly: I forgot I have to support him, no matter what. Close one.

Jim Halpert: I've got to make an example out of him. Should I just fire him?
Pam Beesly: Can you actually fire people?
Jim Halpert: To be honest, I don't know. But maybe I could just yell at him in front of people.
Pam Beesly: Well, I can't really imagine you yelling at anyone.
Jim Halpert: Oh, I yell. You've heard me yell.
Pam Beesly: Okay. I've heard you exclaim. Like the time you said, "Hey, look, we parked over here!"

Jim Halpert: Hey, Ryan, how's it going?
Ryan Howard: Here's the thing. I've tried it, like, five different ways in my head and... I'm such a perfectionist that I'd kind of rather not do it at all than do a crappy version.

Michael Scott: Tell them what you told me. This is genius. Tell them about the cash flow and the dumping of properties and... This is all good. It's all good stuff. Lay it on them.
Oscar Martinez: .... I feel, as does Mr. Scott, that we are in the best of hands, capable hands.

Michael Scott: Well... That was a waste of a text.

—
+ Quotes on the IMDb

Murder

The Office 6×10

Dwight Schrute: You know what? You can all have jobs at Schrute Farms as human scarecrows. It doesn't pay much and you can't unionize.

Andy Bernard: I like Erin. There, I said it. I was kind of hoping she would ask me out, but things have not panned out on that front, so, it's time for the Nard-Dog to take matters into his own paws.

Phyllis Lapin: Michael, what happened?
Michael Scott: Is there news? There has been a murder!

Creed Bratton: Sorry, I'm late, boss. What's going on?
Michael Scott: Sir, there has been a murder, and you are a suspect.
Creed Bratton: Okay. Hang on just a second. Let me settle in, and I'll be right back...

Pam Beesly: I think Michael may have snapped.
Jim Halpert: Or maybe he's just stuck in character.
Pam Beesly: Well, which is worse?
Jim Halpert: Snapped or stuck? Both. They're both worse.

Pam Beesly: What's the news?
Jim Halpert: Nothing yet.
Kevin Malone: Well, I guess that's not...
Jim Halpert: Well, there is some bad news... There has been another murder!

Jim Halpert: Today was a good day to have two managers, because if you're a family stuck on a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean, one parent might want to just keep rowing. But if the other parent wants to play a game, it's not because they're crazy. It's because they're doing it for the kids. And I get that now.

Michael Scott: There has been a lot of murder and a lot of intrigue. My little heart can barely take it no more. Today is the hardest I have worked in a long, long time...

Jim Halpert: Andy revealed himself to be a double agent, at which point, Dwight felt comfortable revealing that he also was a double agent, and then, Michael announced to everybody that, get this, he was a double agent. Oh, and it is 6:00.

—
+ Quotes on the IMDb
+ Soundtrack

Double Date

The Office 6×9

Dwight Schrute: Can't a guy just buy some bagels for his friends, so they'll owe him a favor which he can use to get someone fired who stole a co-manager position from him anymore? Jeez, when did everyone get so cynical?

Dwight Schrute: Pam, would you care for a bagel?
Pam Beesly: Oh, no, thank you.
Dwight Schrute: Oh, that's right, you're a woman and you need to refuse food the first time. I'll try again.

Michael Scott: There's no better medicine than birthday lunch. It'll cure all of your, "Gee, I don't know if Michael should be dating my mother." And fixes all occurrences of, "I don't really see them together." So, open wide, Pam, and take a big old spoonful of birthday lunch medicine. Take with food.

Pam Beesly: Why did I get in the car? I could've struggled. I have a whistle in my purse, I didn't even blow it.

Pam Beesly: So, Mom, which birthday are we celebrating this year?
Helene Beesly: Sticking with 49.
Pam Beesly: Forty-nine again? That's nine years in a row. This is now our longest family tradition.
Helene Beesly: Well, as long as we're running numbers, Pam, help me out with this one. Let's see, honey, you're six months pregnant, but you've only been married for 30 days, so what does that add up to?

Michael Scott: The only time you should care about a woman's age is if she is too young for you. And I am not robbing the cradle... If anything, I am robbing the grave.

Helene Beesly: Snowboarding? No, no, you want to go snowboarding?
Michael Scott: I might, I might.
Helene Beesly: Michael, what are you talking about?
Michael Scott: Nothing, just life and doing things before you die. I don't know.

Michael Scott: I want you to enjoy that cake because I have something terrible I need to tell you. And I want you to enjoy your cake before I tell you this terrible, terrible thing.

Pam Beesly: You're bribing me?
Michael Scott: No, no. No, I am not. Unless you want me to. Do you want me to? Because I will, I will bribe you... No, your face is saying don't, unless I haven't offered you enough... Your face isn't changing. What is it? Talk to me, face. Tell me what Pam's brain is thinking.

Michael Scott: Come on, what do you want? What do you want? Do you want a million dollars? Do you want to hit me? Do you want me to get down on one knee and beg you?
Pam Beesly: I want to hit you.

Toby Flenderson: And the power comes from the back foot. So, it's all one motion through the body. So, there's... You stay a little low and there's a twist, and you keep your shoulder down. And you kind of throw out the arm.
Pam Beesly: Okay, wait, you're saying it comes from the foot?
Toby Flenderson: Yes.
Pam Beesly: Okay.

Michael Scott: As I watched Pam's big, strong hand coming toward my face, I saw my entire life flash before my eyes. And guess what? I have four kids. And I have a hover car and a hover house. And my wife is a runner, and it shows. And Pam and Jim are my best friends, and our kids play together. And I'm happy. And I am rich and I never die. It doesn't sound like much, but it's enough for me.

—
+ Quotes on the IMDb

Koi Pond

The Office 6×8

Michael Scott: Jim is a good kid. He can handle a lot, but sometimes you have to call in a master. Why would you date an amateur when you could date a professional?

Jim Halpert: He's trying to micro-co-manage me. Or... co-micromanage...

Andy Bernard: I date models. Face models. My girlfriend, on a scale of one to Gisele... a nine.

Michael Scott: I'm not usually the butt of the joke. I'm usually the face of the joke.

Michael Scott: The most fundamental thing about sensitivity training is that you cannot make fun of a person for something or some action that they have done that they regret.

Michael Scott: Show of hands. Who here has been Koi-ponded? Who here has been the butt of a joke that has gone too far?
Phyllis Lapin: You make fun of us every day.
Oscar Martinez: Every single day.
Michael Scott: You never said anything.
Angela Martin: We have, countless times.
Michael Scott: It is hard to tell the difference between you guys saying stop because I want you to stop, or stop as in, "Stop! You're making me laugh so hard. What you're doing is so funny. You're on a roll, I am busting a gut. Stop!"

Michael Scott: We are going to make a "do... not... mock" list, okay? Anything that we think might be out of bounds, we put on this list. Anything you put on this list, you cannot be teased about.

Dwight Schrute: Jim is my enemy, but it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend, so Jim is actually my friend. But because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy, so actually, Jim is my enemy. But...

—
+ Quotes on the IMDb