Chapter 22. The Fundamental Things Apply

The Kominsky Method 3×6

Estelle Schneider: Mindy, you have to understand, in my generation, body-shaming was just a way we would kid around with each other. You know, you'd see a guy with big ears, and you'd say, "Hey, Dumbo, where's your feather?" And no one ever got offended. It was just considered good-natured joshing.
Roz Volander: All righty.
Estelle Schneider: As a matter of fact, Dumbo might have a clever retort like, "Careful I don't fly overhead and take a big elephant dump on you."
Martin Schneider: Okay. You... you made your point.
Estelle Schneider: Hang on. Take it easy. All right. When I was growing up, I had a girlfriend named Sissy, and she had a glass eye. So, naturally, everyone called her Sissy Cyclops, to her face. She didn't mind. After school, I would say, "See you around, Sissy Cyclops." And she would say, "I'll keep an eye out for you."
Sandy Kominsky: Terrific.
Estelle Schneider: Now, where I went wrong was to forget how sensitive your generation is. None of you ever lost a soccer game or a brother in Korea.
Roz Volander: I'm confused. Is this supposed to be an apology?
Estelle Schneider: Yes. Yes, it... it is.

Roz Volander: Estelle, from this day forth, our families are forever joined, bound together by the love of our children. My daughter, in the prime of her life, and your son... in his twilight years.

Martin Schneider: I was planning to write a YA novel of my own. I was doing some research.
Roz Volander: Martin.
Martin Schneider: I didn't want them to think I was some kinda weirdo.
Roz Volander: They don't think that.
Martin Schneider: YA is "young adult." Uh, it... it's the same as regular novels, only you're not having to constantly Google what words mean.

Sandy Kominsky: I don't know how to deal with a dream coming true.
Roz Volander: How about you just enjoy it?
Sandy Kominsky: No, that doesn't sound right.

Martin Schneider: Well... You know the old Benjamin Franklin saying about houseguests and fish?
Estelle Schneider: No. Tell me.
Martin Schneider: Come on, Ma. Please.
Estelle Schneider: You want me to leave?
Martin Schneider: No. No. Not... Not me. Benjamin Franklin.

Sandy Kominsky: And, uh, finally, I want to thank my ex-wife, uh, my first ex-wife, to be honest. Dr. Roz Volander. Many, many years ago, she believed in a bartender with big dreams. So, I'd like to dedicate this to her. Roz, honey, I wish I'd been better.

Sandy Kominsky: All right. Let's get to work.

—
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Chapter 21. Near, Far, Wherever You Are

The Kominsky Method 3×5

Sandy Kominsky: How're you feeling?
Roz: I know you mean well, but that is a stupid question.

Sandy Kominsky: Dying, on camera or on stage, to play a heartbreaking and hopefully slow death, is the dream of every actor. I would wager there's not an actor or actress who hasn't fantasized about how they would play those final moments. As the life force slowly slips away and as we teeter on the edge of nonexistence, how would we gasp out those last words of wit and wisdom?...
     But is that what happens as death draws close? Do the dying exact promises from those they leave behind? Do they confess their sins? Do they make a joke? ...
     What I'm asking you to think about... is what actually happens in those final moments. I'm not talking about a shocking, violent death. I'm talking about... when you know it's coming. When you've fully surrendered to the... ultimate magic trick. When we really and truly disappear.
     I've sat at the bedside, and I've held the hands of friends and... and loved ones as they breathed their last breath. And I can tell you this. The dramatic soliloquy at the end of life is pure and utter nonsense. If anything is being said, it's internal. You can almost hear it. They're having an internal conversation filled with disbelief and... and... and wonder that their life has come to an end. They hardly notice you sitting there at all.
     For the dying, the living are irrelevant.
     So, if you should ever have the opportunity to play such a scene, approach it with reverence. Consider it holy. Make sure it receives your utmost care and respect.

—
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The Kominsky Method 3×4

Sandy Kominsky: Can you believe this? Hundred-thousand-dollar car, in the slow lane, under the speed limit. It's how drunks drive when there's a cop behind them.

Sandy Kominsky: If you spend one more penny of Mindy's inheritance, I'm gonna kill you.
Martin Schneider: Very funny.
Sandy Kominsky: You need to know I'm willing to die in prison.

Sandy Kominsky: It'll happen in your sleep, you know. You won't wake up.

Sandy Kominsky: There are worse things than murder.
Martin Schneider: Like what?
Sandy Kominsky: I can call your mother.

Sandy Kominsky: Oh, the nights I laid awake wishing you dead...
Roz: I never wanted that for you.
Sandy Kominsky: No?
Roz: Oh, no. Dead is dead. I wanted you to suffer.

Sandy Kominsky: I... I can't believe I'm negotiating against myself, but why don't you want a big name? I mean, De Niro, Pacino, Eastwood?
Barry Levinson: Mmm, too familiar.
Sandy Kominsky: Turned you down, huh?
Barry Levinson: Mm-hmm. But I gotta be honest with you. I love the idea, no disrespect, of going with a complete unknown, someone the audience has never seen before.

Roz: Do I need to explain to you what salt does to your body?
Sandy Kominsky: Yeah, why don't you?
Roz: All right. It causes the body to hold on to more water, which raises the blood pressure, which puts more strain on the kidneys, the heart, arteries, and the brain. And, for a man of your age, is the kiss of death.
Sandy Kominsky: That's pretty scary.
Roz: Yes, it is.
Sandy Kominsky: Now, would you please pass me the salt?

Roz: Sandy, I never thought much of you as a human being, but I never doubted you as an actor.

Roz: Oh, I remember the first time I ever saw you on stage. I was absolutely smitten.
Sandy Kominsky: Shakespeare in the Park?
Roz: Othello in blackface.
Sandy Kominsky: Oh! I'd like to say it was a more innocent time, but it may have just been more stupid.

Roz: He was a bad husband, but he gave good head.
Martin Schneider: All right.

—
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Chapter 19. And It's Getting More and More Absurd

The Kominsky Method 3×3

Roz: Please. He's a 75-year-old man. The only running he does is to the toilet.

Mindy Kominsky: I'm sorry, Dad, but Martin is more important to me than money.
Sandy Kominsky: He won't be if you give it a little time.

Margaret: How's it going with your daughter moving back in?
Quincy: My child.
Margaret: Sorry. Your child.
Quincy: Well, you know, it's hard work, but I love being a grand zaza.
Margaret: Being a what?
Quincy: Grand zaza. "Grandpa" is too gender-specific.
Margaret: Oh, right. Sure.
Quincy: Bad news is I'm not getting any help from Kelly.
Margaret: What's going on with her?
Quincy: Them.
Margaret: Sorry. Them.
Quincy: Yesterday was Jackie's first day of kindergarten. Kelly insists that Ze present as andro. Jackie has a meltdown because Ze wants to present as Buzz Lightyear.
Margaret: Ze is he?
Quincy: And she. While Kelly is the dictionary definition of "unfluid."
Margaret: That's in the dictionary?
Quincy: So Ze tells Jackie that Buzz is bi-gender.
Margaret: Is that true?
Quincy: Course not. Buzz is totally cisgender. Gynosexual at the very least.
Margaret: At the least...

Quincy: Thirty-two caliber. What do you think?
Margaret: Full metal jacket, steel core, armor-piercing.
Quincy: Went through that car door like an incontinent Republican in a gender-neutral bathroom.

Morgan Freeman: Were you able to follow the dialogue?
Sandy Kominsky: I wanna say yes, but, uh...
Morgan Freeman: No. I get it. I keep trying to tell these writers, "Don't assume the audience is going to understand this stuff." But they... And when I say "they," I mean "they." They insist that's how the character would speak.
Sandy Kominsky: Writers...
Morgan Freeman: Fuckin' bullies.

Sandy Kominsky: I didn't think, uh, that this needed to be said, but apparently, it does. What we do and what I teach is an art form. It's not a competition. It's a, uh... a group effort. A communal expression of what it means to be human. So... you know, when one of us falls, we pick them up. And when one of us achieves fame and fortune, whether it be through lucky breaks or plain old hard work or both, we put aside jealousy and envy and joyfully celebrate their success. And in so doing, we open up our hearts and create a channel for success to come to us. Understood?

Morgan Freeman: Are you working on anything that I might be able to help with?
Sandy Kominsky: Uh, maybe you could encourage the kids to be more supportive of each other. You know, talk about how acting is a team sport...
Morgan Freeman: Right. You came up in New York, didn't you?
Sandy Kominsky: Yeah.
Morgan Freeman: I... I... I thought so. Well, no worries, I can sell that bullshit all day long.

—
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Chapter 18. You Only Give Me Your Funny Paper

The Kominsky Method 3×2

Sandy Kominsky: Oh, Norman, help me. Jesus Christ.
Robby: Sandy, he's not in heaven. He is caught in the endless psychodrama of death and birth that's been going on for billions of years until L. Ron Hubbard discovered the spiritual technology to free mankind.
Sandy Kominsky: Thank you.
Robby: It's just the truth.

Mindy Kominsky: Do you not trust Martin?
Sandy Kominsky: With this kind of dough? I wouldn't trust my own mother. God rest her soul.

Roz: You're doing all right though, right?
Sandy Kominsky: Not really. As hard as it was to lose my friend, it's been even harder to manage his affairs.
Roz: Oh no, he didn't.
Sandy Kominsky: He did. Yeah. He made me executor of his estate.
Roz: So you're fucked.
Sandy Kominsky: Totally.

Sandy Kominsky: Who plays Quincy?
Margaret: Morgan Freeman.
Sandy Kominsky: Whoa. He's terrific!
Margaret: Yeah. They updated the character, so Quincy's now gender-fluid.
Sandy Kominsky: Uh... Wh... I'm sorry?
Margaret: Nonbinary? Genderqueer? Doesn't identify as "he" or "she."
Sandy Kominsky: Oh, sure. Yeah. You know, I'm hip to that. He's a "they" or a "them," yeah?
Margaret: Right.
Sandy Kominsky: Yeah. Morgan Freeman, gender-fluid coroner...
Margaret: Well, there's talk they may replace him. The company's under a lot of pressure to hire an actual NB actor.
Sandy Kominsky: NB?
Margaret: Nonbinary.
Sandy Kominsky: Oh, sure, sure. You know, Leonard Nimoy almost didn't play Mr. Spock 'cause they wanted an actual Vulcan.
Margaret: That's a joke, right?
Sandy Kominsky: I was hopin'.

Sandy Kominsky: We're all in this together. Actors have to support each other through success or failure.
Margaret: Was that how it was when you were getting started?
Sandy Kominsky: Yeah.
Margaret: It's not like that now.

Margaret: I'm gonna have to quit the class.
Sandy Kominsky: You just have to be patient. I mean, they'll come around.
Margaret: You think so?
Sandy Kominsky: Absolutely... And don't you quit my class. That's a coward's way out... We face our problems head-on. That's what separates the winners from the losers.
Margaret: Thanks. You always know the right thing to say.
Sandy Kominsky: It's all a part of being an actor. We are students of human behavior.

—
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Chapter 17. In All the Old Familiar Places

The Kominsky Method 3×1

Sandy Kominsky: I've been trying to figure out how to pay homage, uh, to this man. And then I remembered one of his favorite sayings, "The truth is a good fallback position." So that's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna fall back on the truth...

Martin Schneider: Did you see they got sushi from Nobu?
Sandy Kominsky: Mmm.
Martin Schneider: Yeah. This is unbelievable. He's got baked crab and miso cod and yellowtail, the whole deal.
Sandy Kominsky: That's nice.
Martin Schneider: Nobody knows how to mourn like the Jews, huh?
Sandy Kominsky: Practice, practice, practice.

Sandy Kominsky: You know how many of my friends have died in the last couple of years?
Mindy Kominsky: No.
Sandy Kominsky: Me neither. I've lost count.
Mindy Kominsky: Well, still, it's important that you talk to somebody about it.
Sandy Kominsky: Why? Who says we have to share how we feel about every fucking thing that happens to you?
Mindy Kominsky: 'Cause keeping it inside is not healthy.
Sandy Kominsky: Yeah, well, maybe I don't want to be healthy.

Yvette: First time I thank you for finding him is free. Second time is $2,000.

—
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Chapter 16. A Thetan Arrives

The Kominsky Method 2×8

Norman Newlander: I would never dare to say this to a woman, but I'll say it to you. I think the medication you're on is causing you to behave in a premenstrual fashion.
Sandy Kominsky: You gonna retire? I thought you said that was a death sentence.
Norman Newlander: It is. Without a purpose in life, men like us are two or three Clive Cussler books away from the grave.
Sandy Kominsky: I happen to like his books...
Norman Newlander: That's fine. Just... read slow.

Sandy Kominsky: Do you have any idea what you're doing with your hands?
Lane: What about 'em?
Sandy Kominsky: You're, uh, flitting. The character you're playing is a boxer, a... a longshoreman. These aren't the kind of guys who openly, uh, flit.
Lane: I'm sorry. I... I don't follow.
Sandy Kominsky: Really? Okay. Can you follow this? Rock Hudson, Raymond Burr, Tony Perkins, Van Johnson, Cary Grant. I mean, the list goes on and on. I mean, even Marlon Brando, he dipped his toe in. But they never put their predilection on screen.
Lane: Are you saying being gay is a predilection?
Sandy Kominsky: Why? Is that word against the law now? Am I going to PC hell because I said "predilection"? Or should I have said, uh... "hankering"? Hankering for dudes?

Robby: I know this because I experienced it myself. And that is the only test for truth.

Norman Newlander: Now, as an immortal spirit, would I have any dietary restrictions?
Robby: What do you mean?
Norman Newlander: Well, can a thetan eat pastrami? 'Cause I miss it so much.

Robby: All right. So, we're gonna do this for five minutes and we're gonna see how it goes.
Norman Newlander: Eyes closed like in meditation?
Robby: Eyes open like in life. All right, ready?.. Start.
Norman Newlander: ... I'm uncomfortable.
Robby: That's okay. Just continue.
Norman Newlander: ..... I hate this.
Robby: Not unusual. Just continue.

Norman Newlander: If you exteriorize from the situation, you'd see we're both very, very lucky.
Sandy Kominsky: Exteriorize?
Norman Newlander: Yeah. Pop out of your head and see the situation from the vantage point of a... an immortal spirit.
Sandy Kominsky: A thetan.
Norman Newlander: Now you're getting it.

—
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Chapter 15. A Hand Job Is Forgiven

The Kominsky Method 2×7

Eileen Newlander: When you love somebody, you don't want 'em to be alone.
Norman Newlander: And all this time I've been wracked with guilt?
Eileen Newlander: That's good. That I like.

Margaret: Whoo! I forgot I was acting!
Sandy Kominsky: That's called acting.

Martin Schneider: ... Because you have your pride.
Sandy Kominsky: Yes, because I've got my pride.
Martin Schneider: Pride goeth before the fall, Sandy.

—
On the IMDb

Chapter 14. A Secret Leaks, a Teacher Speaks

The Kominsky Method 2×6

Norman Newlander: Are you familiar with the five stages of grief?
Sandy Kominsky: The Keebler-Ross thing?
Norman Newlander: Kübler.
Sandy Kominsky: Oh.
Norman Newlander: Kübler. Keebler is the cookie people.

Sandy Kominsky: The doctors said I'm gonna beat this.
Norman Newlander: Of course they said that. That doesn't mean anything.
Sandy Kominsky: And I'm back in denial.

Norman Newlander: Drop dead, you bag of shit!
Madelyn: What?
Norman Newlander: Uh, I said, how's seven o'clock sound?
Sandy Kominsky: Yeah. That's what he said.

Sandy Kominsky: How are you feeling?
Martin Schneider: Good, yeah. Feelin' strong. Yeah, thanks. Good.
Sandy Kominsky: Good.
Martin Schneider: Yeah. It's all good. I don't know why I say that. I hate that saying. "It's all good." You ever know anything that was all good? But, uh, in general, I am good. Most... mostly good. And you?
Sandy Kominsky: Um... also good.
Martin Schneider: So we... are both good.
Sandy Kominsky: Mm-hm. "Johnny B. Goode."
Martin Schneider: "Good Golly, Miss Molly."
Sandy Kominsky: "Good Vibrations."
Martin Schneider: Maxwell House, good to the last drop... That one doesn't work as good. Okay.

Sandy Kominsky: I wanna ... talk a little bit about comedy as a genre... What separates comedy from drama? Is there, in fact, a separation? ... Should we, as actors, even acknowledge a divide between the two forms? Human beings cry, they love, they fear, they laugh, they rage. Which of those things is more important, more worthy of their intentions than the others?.. The answer is simple. None of them. They're equal. Which means we don't play comedy. We don't play drama. We play the truth. If you're cast in a comedy, perhaps a sitcom, and there's a joke in your script, you don't play the joke. You play the reality of the moment. If there's laughter to be had, it'll take care of itself. You don't need to help it. In fact... helping it is the worst thing that you can do.

Sandy Kominsky: Yes, Martin?
Martin Schneider: Uh, what if the joke stinks?
Sandy Kominsky: That's not your concern. You're providing services as an actor, not a critic.

Madelyn: I'd like a cup of strawberry with all of the fixings.
Norman Newlander: Make it two. Except vanilla and just M&M's.

—
On the IMDb

Chapter 13. A Shenckman Equivocates

The Kominsky Method 2×5

Norman Newlander: So you're December.
Martin Schneider: Excuse me?
Norman Newlander: Well, there's a May-December thing going on, right?... You're December... I'm lookin' at you, I don't see November.
Martin Schneider: Well, let's say I'm just... Just after Thanksgiving.

Norman Newlander: Ooh... Retired, that's bad.
Sandy Kominsky: And why is that bad?
Norman Newlander: Are you kidding? He might as well take a bath with a toaster.

Norman Newlander: A toast. To Mindy and Marty. May they have many happy months together.

Sandy Kominsky: Norman, if this woman makes you happy, and I know she does, you should fight like hell not to lose her.
Norman Newlander: That's what Phoebe said.
Sandy Kominsky: Well, there you go. Relationship advice from a drug addict fresh out of rehab and a guy who's been divorced three times. How can you go wrong?

Lisa: You should just get a checkup.
Sandy Kominsky: Ah, I don't need a checkup. I really wish you wouldn't do that. Lisa: Do what?
Sandy Kominsky: By bringing up the possibility of me having... cardio issues, you're kind of inviting trouble.
Lisa: So what, having a conversation about it is... is bad luck?
Sandy Kominsky: No, it's... it's not bad luck, it's just that you're... You're putting it out there in the universe as a possibility. It's better not to talk about it.
Lisa: When did you get superstitious?
Sandy Kominsky: I'm not superstitious. I just have a healthy respect for bad juju.

—
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Chapter 12. A Libido Sits in the Fridge

The Kominsky Method 2×4

Lisa: What if we took sex off the table?
Sandy Kominsky: What? Do you wanna get married?

Lisa: Come on. I mean, at this point in your life, how important is it?
Sandy Kominsky: Very important. Despite appearances, I can still deliver the mail... If I'm given fair warning.

Lisa: Be honest with me. You go to bed at night. What is more important? A good lay or a good night's sleep?
Sandy Kominsky: Well, doesn't one usually flow into the other?

Sandy Kominsky: Okay. Okay, I will admit my priorities have shifted a bit, but I still like sex. Or at least the idea of it.
Lisa: What does that mean?
Sandy Kominsky: Okay, it's like this. Every time I go to Art's Deli, I buy a quarter pound of pastrami that I take home, even though I won't eat it because it gives me heartburn.
Lisa: So what's the point?
Sandy Kominsky: I like knowing it's in the fridge.

Lisa: So... In your entire life, you have never had a woman who wasn't just a friend?
Sandy Kominsky: Lisa, I try to keep up with the times, but I'm of a generation where if a guy has women friends, it means he's playing on the other team.
Lisa: That's horrible.
Sandy Kominsky: It's the truth.

Sandy Kominsky: Interesting. As testosterone decreases, morality increases... I should write that down. That's good stuff.

Norman Newlander: And what about Madelyn?
Sandy Kominsky: Now, that is a little tougher.
Norman Newlander: Why?
Sandy Kominsky: She got a glimpse of who you really are. You can't do that with women. Trust me. It's never good.

Sandy Kominsky: Nope, friends do not get boners.

—
On the IMDb

Chapter 11. An Odd Couple Occurs

The Kominsky Method 2×3

Sandy Kominsky: And just for the record, being campy is making fun of things you don't have the talent to do.

Norman Newlander: Oh, oh, and I found a vase that might have had his ashes in it.
Sandy Kominsky: Ugh! That didn't bother you?
Norman Newlander: Not at all. If anything, it was invigorating. If you wanna feel really alive, hold the burnt remains of another guy.

Madelyn: All I ask is that maybe... you could get a new mattress... What?
Norman Newlander: No, nothing. My friend Sandy is not an idiot, that's all.

Sandy Kominsky: So, Marty, I gotta ask you a question.
Martin Schneider: Addis Ababa!
Sandy Kominsky: What?
Martin Schneider: Capital of Ethiopia. Addis Ababa.
Sandy Kominsky: That wasn't my question.
Martin Schneider: I know. But wouldn't it have been amazing if it was?

Norman Newlander: I wasn't a hippie. I was a beatnik.
Phoebe Newlander: What's the difference?
Norman Newlander: Hippies were peace and love, the beatniks were cool and clapped like this.

—
On the IMDb

Chapter 10. An Old Flame, an Old Wick

The Kominsky Method 2×2

Sandy Kominsky: Matter of fact, a lot of the kids here at my class say that I'm very, uh... "woke." ... That's right. You're talking to a man who's got no problem droppin' a deuce in a gender-neutral bathroom.

Madelyn: And now we go for a nice leisurely ride...
Norman Newlander: Be sure and put that on my tombstone.

Madelyn: Oh, just give her a little kick.
Norman Newlander: A kick?
Madelyn: Yeah, a kick.
Norman Newlander: You want me to kick the horse?
Madelyn: Yeah, I do.
Norman Newlander: Nancy, I apologize in advance... Aah!

Martin Schneider: In all seriousness, Sandy, I... I wasn't looking for this. It just happened. Sandy Kominsky: Yeah, that's what shit does. It happens. Shit happens.

Martin Schneider: ... And to Sandy. In the words of Rick Blaine, I hope this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Martin Schneider: It's not too garlicky?
Sandy Kominsky: I like it spicy.
Martin Schneider: Me too, but always seem to pay the price afterwards.
Sandy Kominsky: One Prilosec, two Tums and a pillow that elevates your shoulders while you're sleeping. Trust me.

Sandy Kominsky: What do you think... Uh, scratch that. What do you know Eileen most wanted for you?
Norman Newlander: To be happy.
Sandy Kominsky: Okay, then. It seems to me that in order to honor the wishes of your deceased wife, you have no choice but to fuck your old girlfriend.
Norman Newlander: Don't be crude.
Sandy Kominsky: Don't be a prig.

Norman Newlander: Still the thought of disappointing her...
Sandy Kominsky: Norman, uh, you once told me that the first lesson an agent has to learn is that the truth is a good fallback position. So instead of freaking yourself out, why not try that with Madelyn?
Norman Newlander: You mean tell her I'm insecure about my ability to perform? What kind of a man tells a woman that?
Sandy Kominsky: An 80-year-old man who's at peace with himself, who's had more than his share of... fornicating and has nothing left to prove.

Norman Newlander: Is it okay if I sleep on the right side of the bed?
Madelyn: Uh... Jeez, I don't know. That's... That's where I sleep.
Norman Newlander: Well, you better think it over. It's kind of a deal breaker.
Madelyn: Boy, you drive a hard bargain.
Norman Newlander: And don't say "hard."

—
On the IMDb

Chapter 9. An Actor Forgets

The Kominsky Method 2×1

Norman Newlander: What do you know about opium?
Sandy Kominsky: Tried it a few times in the '60s, it's not my thing. Why?
Norman Newlander: I'm thinking of becoming an addict.
Sandy Kominsky: Oh, really?
Norman Newlander: Yeah. Like Dickens or Keats.
Sandy Kominsky: Oh, you mean a writer?
Norman Newlander: No, no, just an addict. No needles, that's more jazz musician.
Sandy Kominsky: Good to have goals.

Norman Newlander: I'm looking for a way to manifest my existential despair.
Sandy Kominsky: No offense, uh, but you're already pretty gloomy.
Norman Newlander: I think I can do better.

Sandy Kominsky: Must've been hard giving her stuff away.
Norman Newlander: It's harder to keep it.

Norman Newlander: When I wake up in the morning, I'm not sure if I'm relieved or disappointed.

Norman Newlander: You know, this is, like, the fourth funeral I've been to this month.
Sandy Kominsky: At our age, it's called having a social life.

Norman Newlander: Every time one of my friends passes away, I feel like I won a contest, like, "Ha ha, I lived longer, I beat you."
Sandy Kominsky: That's horrible.
Norman Newlander: Oh, yeah, like you don't feel the same way.
Sandy Kominsky: I do, but I don't say it in front of the guy.

Mindy Kominsky: And there's one more thing--
Sandy Kominsky: No. No! Not an actor. You do not get involved with an actor.
Mindy Kominsky: He's not an actor.
Sandy Kominsky: Thank God! I would rather see you get involved with a Republican.

Madelyn: How have you been these last 50 years?
Norman Newlander: Oh, well... Uh... I fell in love, I got married, had a beautiful baby girl, lost my wife to cancer, put my daughter into drug rehab and, uh, now I'm thinking about killing myself.

Sandy Kominsky: When in doubt... ride the horse in the direction that it's going.

Norman Newlander: Well, it's still a wise thing.
Sandy Kominsky: I think so. It suggests that one should... go with the flow.
Norman Newlander: And... And where's the flow goin'?
Sandy Kominsky: At the moment, all roads lead to Santa Barbara. With a beautiful woman who seems to love to have you in her life again.
Norman Newlander: Yeah, she does, doesn't she?
Sandy Kominsky: There's an ass for every saddle.

—
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Chapter 8: A Widow Approaches

The Kominsky Method 1×8

Sandy Kominsky: I hate that I'm about to say this, but... have you discussed this with Eileen?

Norman Newlander: You are being very mature about this, Eileen.
Eileen Newlander: I'm sure you'd feel the same if the roles were reversed, if you were gone and I was alive.
Norman Newlander: No. That’s where you're wrong. If some guy was sniffing around you, I would haunt the hell out of him. There would be cutlery flying around his kitchen. Yes. One morning he'd be... he'd be shaving in the bathroom mirror and he'd look up and see me standing right behind him, just staring at him like this... He would soil his pajamas, guaranteed.

Sandy Kominsky: The name of this exercise is "mirror." You just move your body, and I'll follow... What we're working on here is being totally present. This means paying attention, without judgment, to the actor in front of you...
     This does two things. It gets you out of your own head... and forces you... to be in the moment. Fully engaged with the other person... by simply paying attention to them. Not only makes you a better actor, it makes you a better human being.

Sandy Kominsky: What did you guys talk about?
Norman Newlander: Oh, you know, the usual. Dead wives, dead husbands, dead friends. It was very pleasant.

Sandy Kominsky: Boy, she moves fast. You'd better bring a condom.
Norman Newlander: You're making a joke, but I actually still have one the Army gave me when I was in Korea.
Sandy Kominsky: You're kidding me.
Norman Newlander: I'm sentimental.

Lisa: You realize this is the first time you've brought me somewhere that didn't have a dead body.
Sandy Kominsky: The night is still young...

Diane: Uh, she... she was one of a kind. A saint. God takes the good ones way too soon.
Norman Newlander: Yeah, and he leaves the bad ones here just to piss us off.

Sandy Kominsky: What are you doing at a Shell station?
Norman Newlander: There were too many people at my house.
Sandy Kominsky: Now? Who?
Norman Newlander: It's my own fault. You talk to one ghost, and suddenly you're in a Yiddish version of Macbeth.

Police Officer: Everything all right, sir?
Norman Newlander: No. Everything is not all right. I outlived my wife. That was not part of the plan. I was supposed to go first!

Norman Newlander: I'm scared. I'm scared all the time.
Sandy Kominsky: Listen to me. We're all scared, and you know why? Because it's a scary fuckin' world. But we get through it because we're not alone. You're not alone.
Norman Newlander: Who do I have?
Sandy Kominsky: Me, you dumb shit! Can you see me? I'm right here in front of you. Hi. Hello there. I see you. You see me?... Can you keep a secret?
Norman Newlander: Sure.
Sandy Kominsky: That's the Kominsky Method.

Sandy Kominsky: Well, we don't have to figure it out tonight. You’ve got some time.
Norman Newlander: Do I?
Sandy Kominsky: I'm just trying to be nice, Norman.
Norman Newlander: Nice. Maybe life has no meaning, and the best we can hope for is... just being nice.

—
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Chapter 7: A String Is Attached

The Kominsky Method 1×7

Norman Newlander: Sandy, there are certain things we have to do in life that are distasteful but absolutely necessary. I can think of several. Can you?
Sandy Kominsky: And I'm feeling bad.
Norman Newlander: There's colonoscopies, engagement parties, flossing.... Taxes, Sandy! Taxes are one of those distasteful things that we must do.
Sandy Kominsky: We really had to go through colonoscopies to get here?

Norman Newlander: $300,000!
Sandy Kominsky: Thereabouts.
Norman Newlander: "Thereabouts." A little tip. When begging, it's good to have an exact number.

Sandy Kominsky: You'll get it all back. We'll set up a payment plan, say, a thousand dollars a month.
Norman Newlander: Math isn't really your strong suit, is it?
Sandy Kominsky: Why?
Norman Newlander: Why? That's 25 years. You know how old I'll be when you finish paying me off? Dead!
Sandy Kominsky: Okay. How about if I push it up to eleven hundred a month?
Norman Newlander: Still dead.

Eileen Newlander: Norman, you have the money. Just give it to him.
Norman Newlander: Excuse me, but whatever happened to "never a borrower or a lender be"?
Eileen Newlander: You wanna take advice from Shakespeare? He also said, "Kill all the lawyers."
Norman Newlander: I agree with that, too.

Norman Newlander: No, no, I... I want him to go nuts. That'll be the fun part.
Eileen Newlander: Why can't it just be a noble gesture?

Norman Newlander: That's in there, too. It's genius, really. No strings is the biggest string of all.

Norman Newlander: Why don't you just take my money and be grateful?
Sandy Kominsky: I can't. Giving me the money with no strings is like the biggest string of all.
Norman Newlander: Well, that's a very cynical attitude.

Sandy Kominsky: I know you're not really thrilled with me, uh, right now... but compared to everybody else in my life, "not thrilled" makes you president of the Sandy Kominsky fan club.

Sandy Kominsky: I hope you come visit me in jail.
Lisa: Why are you going to jail?
Sandy Kominsky: My accountant died...

Sandy Kominsky: I'm a little foggy. Um... Did I win you back?
Lisa: No.
Sandy Kominsky: Okay. I'm gonna keep trying. Let me know when it stops being cute and turns into stalking.

Sandy Kominsky: I had a Tony Award when I signed with you. I was hot!
Norman Newlander: Yeah, you were hot, and then you came to Hollywood and you pissed off every Jew that counted. You burned bridges. You burned roads. You burned tunnels. If there was a path to success, you set it on fire.
Sandy Kominsky: Well, forgive me for having standards, for having integrity.
Norman Newlander: Standards and integrity are for Oscar winners. Everybody else has gotta bend over.

—
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Chapter 6: A Daughter Detoxes

The Kominsky Method 1×6

Receptionist: Would you like to put this on your credit card?
Norman Newlander: What I'd like is to have gotten a vasectomy about 46 years ago.

Sandy Kominsky: Come on, Norman. You're just depressed, okay? It'll pass. It'll pass.
Norman Newlander: My wife, the woman who gave my life meaning, is dead, my job doesn't fulfill me anymore, and I just put my 45-year-old dope-fiend daughter in rehab for the eighth time.
Sandy Kominsky: You've got a grandson.
Norman Newlander: Who's in Scientology and won't speak to me because I'm a "suppressive."
Sandy Kominsky: Suppressive? Oh, that's not fair. Oppressive, maybe. I'm sorry, I still think you have a lot to live for.
Norman Newlander: You do, huh? Let's hear it, Pollyanna. Why should I live?... You've answered the question.

Norman Newlander: I've never been to an Indian casino before.
Sandy Kominsky: They're pretty much like a Vegas casino, except they're not overly fond of reservations... Get it?

Sandy Kominsky: See? A nice meal. Good glass of wine. It's reason to live.
Norman Newlander: I don't get any pleasure out of this. I'm trying to hasten a coronary... Maybe I'll start smoking again. They still make Chesterfields?

Eddie Money : Barefoot in a casino men's room? That's a brave man.

Sandy Kominsky: I'm sorry. I just got caught up with Norman and his daughter, and, you know, my, uh... my physical... I'd say predicament, but, you know, "dick" is right there in the middle.

Sandy Kominsky: What if we commit suicide together?
Norman Newlander: You only lost five dollars.
Sandy Kominsky: Yeah...

Norman Newlander: The secret to a happy relationship is that the woman must always feel like she comes first.
Sandy Kominsky: But what about when she doesn't? When there's other things going on, you know, and you don't have the time?
Norman Newlander: No. I said feel like she comes first.
Sandy Kominsky: So lie?
Norman Newlander: No, no. It's not lying. It's acting. You should try it some time...
Sandy Kominsky: Very funny.
Norman Newlander: Maybe take a class...

Norman Newlander: You need to hear it... Sandy, I am very grateful for our friendship, and I want you to know how happy I am to have you in my life.
Sandy Kominsky: Well, that is very sweet of you, Norman. Thank you.
Norman Newlander: I mean it. I can't put a price on what you mean to me.
Sandy Kominsky: I can.

—
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Chapter 5: An Agent Crowns

The Kominsky Method 1×5

Sandy Kominsky: What is up?
Dr. Wexler: I've got good news and less good news.
Sandy Kominsky: Let's start with the less good news.
Dr. Wexler: Pick again.

Dr. Wexler: We did find a couple of slow-moving cancer cells in the biopsy.
Sandy Kominsky: Wait. So I do have prostate cancer?
Dr. Wexler: Technically, yes. But you don't have to worry about it. I mean, we gotta keep our eye on it, but frankly, at your age, somethin' else in your body is gonna kill you before your prostate does.
Sandy Kominsky: I'm confused. Is this a cause for celebration?
Dr. Wexler: Well, it's a little early in the morning, but sure, maybe a mimosa.

Sandy Kominsky: Ah. Screw it. Call it in to my pharmacy.
Dr. Wexler: Yeah. Yeah, I'll call it in for you. Have a nice day.
Sandy Kominsky: "Have a nice day?" You just told me I've got cancer.
Dr. Wexler: Yeah, but you've got the nice kind. Bye-bye!

Haitian Newlander: Well, you just can't sit around here and worry.
Norman Newlander: Sure I can. I'm actually very good at it.
Haitian Newlander: Maybe you should think about going back to work.
Norman Newlander: It's better that I worry there?

Sandy Kominsky: Look at these people. Happy, clueless. Taking their assholes for granted...

Sandy Kominsky: Excuse me, ladies! I'm not a pervert. I'm an actor.

Norman Newlander: Look at that. No one talks to each other anymore.
Jeanine: They're talking. Just to people who are elsewhere.
Norman Newlander: That's not talking. Talking is with your voice, eye contact, body language, maybe a gesture, touch.
Jeanine: Oh, there's no touching these days. Don't touch anybody!

Lisa: I don't wanna diminish your efforts, but, uh... did what just happen require any... pharmaceutical help?
Sandy Kominsky: No. Nope. Unless you count 20 mg of Crestor, 10 mg of Claritin, half a mill of Flomax, three grams of acetaminophen, one baby aspirin, and a smear of hydrocortisone cream on my left and right shin bones.
Lisa: That is some list.
Sandy Kominsky: Oh, no. I'm not done. I also take omega-3 fatty acids, calcium, vitamins A, C, D, E, and B12, melatonin, CoQ-10, magnesium, potassium, and liquid glucosamine.
Lisa: Jesus. Is that it?
Sandy Kominsky: Yeah. Oh, also Cialis.

Sandy Kominsky: Boy, I'm havin' a good day. My prostate's not gonna kill me, my dick's still working, and I got a job!
Elliott Gould: That's the geriatric hat trick.

—
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Chapter 4: A Kegel Squeaks

The Kominsky Method 1×4

Sandy Kominsky: I wanna talk to Dr. Wexler... It's concerning my prostate. That's all you need to know... Sure, I'll hold. If I could hold, it wouldn't be a problem.

Sandy Kominsky: No results yet.
Norman Newlander: Ah. Schrödinger’s prostate.
Sandy Kominsky: What?
Norman Newlander: At the moment, you both do and do not have cancer.
Sandy Kominsky: What a joy you are.

Norman Newlander: I remember my first biopsy. It's very unpleasant.
Sandy Kominsky: Scissors up your asshole. It's never good.
Norman Newlander: Yeah. At least afterwards, when there's blood in your stool, you know where it's coming from.
Sandy Kominsky: Always a joy.

Butcher: Anything else?
Norman Newlander: Yes. In your professional opinion, what is your finest ham?
Butcher: I don't know. They're all good.
Norman Newlander: All right. Let's put it in story form... It's your last meal before you're executed by the state. What ham do you add to your turkey sandwich before they inject you with a cocktail of death?
Butcher: Honey-glazed.
Norman Newlander: Mr Deli Man, a half a pound of honey-glazed, please.

Norman Newlander: We've outlived swiping.

Norman Newlander: I've been thinking a lot about entropy.
Sandy Kominsky: What?
Norman Newlander: The universe's inclination to decline into chaos. It's the second law of thermodynamics. But if you ask me, it should be number one.
Sandy Kominsky: Things are definitely falling apart.
Norman Newlander: You know, I wake up every morning, and my first thought is, what part of me is not working today?

Sandy Kominsky: Can I tell you a secret?
Norman Newlander: Sure.
Sandy Kominsky: Sometimes when I laugh real hard, I fart a little.
Norman Newlander: Oh, please. You're still young. Wait till you're my age. Every time I sneeze, I hear rattling around in my hips. It feels like a foreign object broken loose.
Sandy Kominsky: Yeah, we are passengers on boats slowly sinking.
Norman Newlander: Your boat is slow? I'm like when the Titanic was pointing up.
Sandy Kominsky: Hm. I'm just worried if they take out my prostate, I'm gonna lose my sex drive.
Norman Newlander: You still have a sex drive?
Sandy Kominsky: Yeah. Uh... I mean, I think I do.

Norman Newlander: When I was going through the whole prostate deal, I convinced myself I could turn things around by Kegeling.
Sandy Kominsky: Seriously?
Norman Newlander: It works for women tightening up their hoo-ha.
Sandy Kominsky: But did it help?
Norman Newlander: No. But it gave my anus confidence, and that's half the battle...
Sandy Kominsky: Are you doing it now?
Norman Newlander: Yeah.
Sandy Kominsky: I'll join you...
Norman Newlander: I wish it made a noise...

Sandy Kominsky: What are you up to this fine evening?
Norman Newlander: I'm watching Cocoon. The spaceship is taking the old people into space. That's the happy ending for old people.
Sandy Kominsky: If only it were that easy, huh?
Norman Newlander: Yeah. I remember seeing this in the theater 30 years ago, but it's a whole different thing when you're in the demographic.

Sandy Kominsky: Enjoy it while it lasts.

—
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Chapter 3: A Prostate Enlarges

The Kominsky Method 1×3

Rabbi: Norman, forgive me for saying this, but when you sit shivah for a loved one, all the mirrors in the house are supposed to be covered.
Norman Newlander: I know. I'm just not that kind of Jew.
Rabbi: Really? And what kind of Jew are you?
Norman Newlander: I'm... I'm the atheist kind.
Rabbi: Condolences. Norman Newlander: Enjoy the shrimp.
Norman Newlander: We're supposed to love our children unconditionally... Such nonsense!

Norman Newlander: Dianne, please. For 46 years, I've lived in one village. It was a wonderful village. It was warm. Nice huts. And I'm sorry, but from here on, I'm just gonna... I'm gonna be village-less. I'm a nomad.

Sandy Kominsky: You wouldn't happen to have a, uh... urologist that you like?
Norman Newlander: Like? No one likes their urologist, but I do have a good one.

Norman Newlander: Ah. Yeah, that's... that's a slow, dripping cry for help.

Dr. Wexler: You know, the funny thing is, even gay guys don't like this.

Sandy Kominsky: Now what?
Dr. Wexler: Now we check your PSA test, see if you've got any cancer.
Sandy Kominsky: And how long does that take?
Dr. Wexler: Ah, a couple of days.
Sandy Kominsky: And if there is?
Dr. Wexler: We do a biopsy and see if it's snail, turtle, or rabbit.
Sandy Kominsky: What?
Dr. Wexler: Well, snail, slow-moving, no worries. Turtle, little faster, some worries. Rabbit...
Sandy Kominsky: Floppy-eared and adorable?
Dr. Wexler: Sure.

Sandy Kominsky: Listen to me, all right? None of this matters. None of this is worth getting offended over. This is all bullshit. Doesn't matter whether you're black, or gay, or...
Jude: Irish, French, and German.
Sandy Kominsky: Sure.
Jude: I did 23andMe.
Sandy Kominsky: That's great. Doesn't matter because inside we're all exactly the same. The life in you, in you, and you, and you is the same life. Same electricity, just lighting up a different bulb. If you really want to get offended, try cancerous glands in your asshole.

—
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