Happiness

Wilfred 4×10

“Happiness does not depend on
outward things, but on the
way we see them.”
Leo Tolstoy

& Ryan: I-I just want to be alone.
    Catherine: No, you want to be with Wilfred.

& Ryan: I-I thought I’d never see you again.
    Wilfred: Yeah, ’cause you thought all that stuff about me being a god was a crock of shit. Now do you believe?
    Ryan: You really are Mataman?!
    Wilfred: Well, I’m not Jesus Christ, and as far as I know, he was the only other dude who managed to pull off a resurrection.

& Ryan: So, you’re a ghost?
    Wilfred: Not exactly. I’m between host bodies. I need to move on to my next Chosen One. His name is Nazeem, which should be, you know, interesting.

& Ryan: Who is that guy?
    Charles: That’s Richard. He always played the good god, Mataman. A real prick. Nobody liked him. Very preachy, always telling other people how to live their lives.

---

& Ryan: You don’t seem crazy.
    Charles: Son... I’m all kinds of nuts. The only thing that keeps me from bouncing off padded walls is... I’ve discovered the one, true god. And I take half a dozen pharmaceuticals. These days the craziest thing I do is talk to my dog.
    Ryan: Does he ever talk back?

& Ryan: I’m okay. I mean, I’m not unhappy. I’m just... normal.
    Kristen: That’s not good enough, Ryan. Everybody deserves happiness. What would make you happy?

& Ryan: I miss you, Wilfred. Without you, my life is so ordinary and flat and dull. I need to know that you’re still here. Please, just give me a sign to let me know that... Oh, God! Wilfred.
    Wilfred: That’d be right, blame the dog.
    Ryan: Oh, thank God.

& Ryan: Wilfred, I want you to stay, but... we can’t go back to the way things were.
    Wilfred: You mean, I tell you the right thing to do, you ignore me, so I make your life a living hell until you have no choice but to do the thing I told you to do in the first place?
    Ryan: Basically, yeah.
    Wilfred: Maybe you could pay attention to the wisdom your best mate has to offer.

& Ryan: So, where do you go when you’re not around?
    Wilfred: I just hang out in your head. You know, sometimes I’ll check out your hippocampus, see what I can find.

--
On the IMDb


& Ryan: Happiness is a fallacy.
    Wilfred: If I just agree with you can we just talk about something else? Anything else.
    Ryan: I mean, there are things that make you happy, but it’s not a sustainable feeling. Parades don’t last forever. Fireworks burn out. Colors fade.
    Wilfred: It’s not about parades and fireworks. It’s about that pair of tits there, that’s happiness. A scratch behind the ear. The sun in your face. A decaying seagull carcass. Happiness is in the quieter moments, mate.

Σ T'waz good. Goodbye, Wilfred.

Resistance

Wilfred 4×9

“Resistance is useless.”
Doctor Who

& Ryan: Wilfred, are you insane?
    Wilfred: That’s ironic, you asking me that. Good one.

& Wilfred: What the hell is that?
    Ryan: Raw food: Chicken, liver, rice, seaweed, carrots and eggs. This food can help you get better.
    Wilfred: Ryan, I’ve eaten all kinds of shit— rabbit shit, cat shit, deer shit— I’m not a fussy eater. But I draw the line at carrots.

& Wilfred: It’s time for me to move on to the next pathetic loser. I-I mean, «chosen one.»

---

& Catherine: Well, Ryan was always a very special little boy. Even as a baby, he knew exactly what he wanted... Always the left breast, never the right, and I bet he hasn’t changed a bit, has he?

& Ryan: Jenna and I are fine. Now let’s just do what we can to make everyone comfortable.
    Wilfred: I don’t think Drew’s going to be too comfortable.
    Ryan: What does that mean?
    Wilfred: Dog works in mysterious ways, Ryan.

& Ryan: So this is how it ends.
    Wilfred: Afraid so.
    Ryan: What am I gonna do without you?
    Wilfred: I guess that’s up to you. But do me a favor... Have a good cry, get it all out, then move on. Go be happy.

& Kristen: You must really miss him.
    Ryan: Only every second.

--
On the IMDb

Courage

Wilfred 4×8

“How few there are who have courage
enough to own their faults, or
resolution enough to mend them.”
Benjamin Franklin

& Wilfred: Tell... her! She needs to know my lung may have breast cancer.

& Wilfred: Don’t call me Wilfred in front of Bear. I’m his emotionally available twin brother, Todd. Wilfred died of leukemia just before Yom Kippur.
    Ryan: Fine... Bear, there’s something I need to tell you...

& Ryan: There, there, Bear. There, there.

---

& Wilfred: If I don’t get a jump on these things, and it turns out I do have cancer, I’ll never have time to get them all done. ... Some of these things could take years to complete.
    Ryan: Like what?
    Wilfred: Oh, like... finally catching my tail. How am I going to build a teleoperated android of myself so lifelike, it fools my tail into following it, and a plutonium-powered, motion-activated guillotine that’s small enough to install in the android’s hind quarters, but large enough to terminate the tail when it’s within striking range? ... Holy shit! Ryan, do you realize what you’ve just done? You saved me trillions of dollars in research and development.

& Wilfred: It’s a risk, Ryan... but how many wonderful things in life are you gonna miss out on because you’re afraid?

& Wilfred: Now we know for sure... I am a god.

--
On the IMDb

Responsibility

Wilfred 4×7

“By imposing too great
a responsibility, or rather,
all responsibility, on yourself,
you crush yourself.”
Franz Kafka

& Kristen: ...And I know what you’re gonna ask my dating life, which you always do, even though it’s a... little Luke-and-Leia-ish.
So... you’re dating someone?
    Kristen: I’m dating lots of someones.

& Kristen: It can get a little weird sometimes. Like, on a first date, have you ever showed a girl your...? Speaking of nuts. Hey, Mom.

---

& Kristen: Thank God I’m her legal guardian. Imagine if these decisions were left up to her and not me. She’d be walking the street with no clothes on, rooting through garbage, just pissing and shitting in public.
    Wilfred: And?

& Ryan: I can be pretty mean, too... Bitch.
    Wilfred: Hoo, hoo, hoo.
    Kristen: You’re gonna have to do a lot better than that, you dickless, syphilitic runt.
    Wilfred: She’s good. Real good.

& Dr. Cahill: I guess we’re all just... dwarves stuck in laundry machines.

& Wilfred: Anything you want to say?
    Ryan: No. I’m good.
    Wilfred: No, I mean to me, like, “You were right.”
    Ryan: Shut up, Wilfred.

--
On the IMDb

Patterns

Wilfred 4×5

“Truth is outside of all patterns.”
Bruce Lee

& Ryan: You know Wilfred— he always comes back.

& Wilfred: Ryan, if this has to do with binoculars, I’m in. I love binoculars. Everyone knows that.

& Ryan: And now you’re dribbling all over the floor. Every time. Why do dogs do that?
    Wilfred: Ryan, what do I have to do?! How can I prove my loyalty to you?

---

& Ryan: I’m tired of your games messing with my life.
    Wilfred: Ryan... what you’re asking... What, no more games? At all?

& Bruce: You don’t want to play, don’t play. But there will be an endgame.

& Ryan: I keep doing the same stupid things over and over again. And I wonder why I’m in the same place as I started.
    Wilfred: Don’t be so hard on yourself, Ryan. The first step in stopping a bad pattern is... recognizing it.

--
On the IMDb

Forward

Wilfred 4×5

“There are many ways of going forward,
but only one way of standing still.”
Franklin D. Roosevelt

& Wilfred: I figured I may as well grab a new gerbil for that little gerbil game Bear and I like to play.
    Ryan: Gerbil game? That’s sick, Wilfred.
    Wilfred: How is that sick?
    Ryan: You stick the gerbil up your asses.
    Wilfred: No! We cover the gerbil in some sort of slippery substance, then we run around and try to catch it. It’s called Catch the Gerbil. It’s just innocent fun, Ryan... Of course, whoever catches the gerbil gets to put it up their ass. It feels so good.

---

& Wilfred: Good morning. It seems you’ve been a little tied up lately. Okay, that was lame. Do-over... Good morning. Have you been down here learning the ropes? What? Th-That doesn’t even make any sense. — You’re losing your edge, Wilfred. — Okay, I got it... Since you’re tied to a chair and you’re probably super bored... how was your night, Mr. Chairman of the Board?

& Ryan: I’m done punishing you for the past. I’m done looking back.

--
On the IMDb

Answers

Wilfred 4×4

“In our quest for the answers
of life we tend to make order out
of chaos, and chaos out of order.”
Jeffrey Fry

& Wilfred: You fat piece of shit. It’s over.

& Wilfred: Code gray! Code gray!

& Wilfred: You were right. I’m not the real subject of this experiment. You are. They put a drug in that water you drank. It causes paranoia and hallucinations.
    Ryan: You’re just saying that to keep me from the real truth.
    Wilfred: That’s the paranoia part.
    Ryan: Why is there a mouth on your paw?
Wilfred: That’s the hallucinations part. None of this is real. Turn the alarm off.
    Ryan: How?
    Wilfred: Just... turn it off.

---

& Ryan: It all seemed so real...
    Dr. Grummons: The idea was to make your worst fears come true. Got that idea from a Batman movie.

& Ryan: Why do I always assume the worst about you?
    Wilfred: That’s a question for another day. But you’re never gonna find the answers you’re looking for by racing to the worst-case scenario. Isn’t that right?

& Dr. Grummons: It was stupid. Its central belief was that a talking dog god would lead a Chosen One to happiness. Absolute rubbish.

& Dr. Grummons: I said that was Mataman. But it could also be Krungel.
    Ryan: Krungel?
    Dr. Grummons: That’s the other deity they believed in. A trickster god. The Flock believed in the idea of duality. Joy and pain. Good and evil. Krungel was the opposite of Mataman. He was a demon, really. His goal was to lead people to complete and utter ruin. Quite simply, he was out to destroy their lives. And he looked exactly... like Mataman.
    Ryan: How can you tell them apart?
    Dr. Grummons: Well, that’s just it. You can’t. Until it’s too late.

& Wilfred: What did you learn?
    Ryan: Nothing we didn’t already know.

--
On the IMDb

Loyalty

Wilfred 4×3

“We are all in the same boat,
in a stormy sea, and we owe
each other a terrible loyalty.”
G.K. Chesterton

& Ryan: You want a payoff?
    Arturo: You said it, not me! Look, I-I wasn’t lying when I asked for custody. But then when Kristen forgot Joffrey... what was I gonna do, not ask for money?

---

& Kristen: Don’t beat yourself up. For a horrible brother, you’re still pretty amazing.
    Ryan: Yeah. You’re a pretty amazing horrible sister, too.

--
On the IMDb

Consequences

Wilfred 4×2

“Sooner or later everyone sits down
to a banquet of consequences.”
Robert Louis Stevenson

& Wilfred: I’ve been thinking about the whole “Am I a dog, am I a god” thing, and I’ve discovered something that’s gonna blow your mind... Notice anything about the letters in this word?...... Come on! It’s so obvious.
        The letter “D” is the fourth letter of the alphabet. The Bible says there are four corners of the Earth. To see all four corners, you have to travel around the world, and, as everybody knows, that takes 80 days. “Eighty” rhymes with “deity.” And “deity” is another word for... I’m a god, Ryan!

---

& Ryan: She’s married!
    Wilfred: For now, but you can change all that by asking Drew how your dick tastes.
    Ryan: What? You know Jenna and I only kissed, right?
    Wilfred: Yeah, and us dudes use the same tongue to kiss that we do to clean our dicks. Jesus, you are slow today.

& Ryan: I can’t believe this! The last thing I want to do is spend the weekend with Drew.
    Wilfred: Drew’s presence is a small price to pay to have your god by your side.

& Ryan: Oh, God.
    Wilfred: Please, just call me Wilfred? Yeah?

& Wilfred: If gods can’t have a sense of humor, how do you explain Stephen Hawking?

--
On the IMDb

Amends

Wilfred 4×1

“If you have behaved badly,
repent, make what amends you can
and address yourself to the task
of behaving better next time.”
Aldous Huxley

& Ryan: I don’t understand. What’s happening?
    Wilfred: It’ll all be clear in a moment.

& Wilfred: Ryan, I forgive you for what you said the other day. Just like I forgave you for kissing Jenna. That’s two forgives, if you’re counting.

& Wilfred: Okay, I forgive you for ignoring that last forgive. That’s three forgives now, Ryan. That’s a lot of forgives. Now, will you please tell Jenna you can watch me on Saturday? I forgive you for walking away and getting in your car. Four forgives, Ryan! Okay, you know what? I’m taking back the second one. Three forgives now. You’re down to three forgives, Ryan.

---

& Wilfred: Ryan, you dreamt about the envelope, and then it came true. Don’t you see what this means? It means you’re the magical bean! This explains everything. The way I can see and talk to you like you’re a person, whilst everybody else just sees you as a carrot...

& Ryan: What is the visitation ritual?
    Derek: Uh, my grandpa said that if you dress up in the costumes, then chant and dance or something, some sort of half-man, half-dog god comes down to visit the chosen one, and if it’s you, the god leads you to happiness.
    Ryan: Oh, and the god’s name...
    Derek: Yeah, his name was Mataman.
    Ryan: Mataman. Matama... Matt Damon? The-the god’s name is Matt Damon?
    Wilfred: Wow! That is a crazy coincidence. Two gods, the same name!

& Ryan: I’m sorry about the way I’ve been treating you.
    Wilfred: It’s okay. Seven forgives.

--
On the IMDb

Regrets

Wilfred 3×13

“Maybe all one can do is hope to end up
with the right regrets.”
Arthur Miller

& Drew: Thanks for the devagification.

& Wilfred: You know my policy. If anything happened between you and Jenna, I’d be forced to bite your genitals. And by bite, you know I mean that thing where I kind of latch on and shake my head back and forth super fast. You know that thing?
    Ryan: Yeah. I-I got it.

---

& Wilfred: It’s not gay. It’s funny. It’s edgy.
    Ryan: Wilfred, you put your penis in my mouth while I was asleep. Then you took a picture of it and put it on a coffee mug. What if someone were to see this?

& Wilfred: Hey, what’s going on?
    Ryan: My dad knows about us. He knows everything.

& Ryan: Now, hold on, Wilfred. It-it’s complicated.
    Wilfred: Your face is the saddle Jenna’s been giddyupping on?

--
On the IMDb

Σ WTF? It was pretty clear this’s the end. And now all over again. Season 4 ahead, huh?

Heroism

Wilfred 3×12

“In my opinion, actual heroism, like
actual love, is a messy, painful,
vulnerable business.”
John Green

& Ryan: Jenna’s thinking about installing a home security system.
    Wilfred: Bite your tongue! A home security system to a dog is like the cotton gin to a slave. It’s an insult. It says you’re easily replaceable.

& Wilfred: You know why they call us “watch dogs,” Ryan?
    Ryan: I have no idea.
    Wilfred: No one does. Point is, it’s the duty of the household dog to heroically protect the property.

---

& Wilfred: Like I said, if I want to be a real hero dog, then it’s time to man up. And I’m gonna do that through training, discipline and searching “hero dog” to see what that even means.

& Wilfred: I admit, it’s possible I may have misjudged the situation by, like, 100%. I’ll do better next time. There’s not gonna be a next time.

& Ryan: Happiness is hard to find. Real, true happiness. We got to try taking risks without second-guessing yourself or worrying about the consequences. Otherwise, you’ll never really know.

--
On the IMDb


Σ Wow. One episode before finale? Serious?

Stagnation

Wilfred 3×11

“Stagnation is a death. If you don’t
change, you die. It’s that simple.
It’s that scary.”
Leonard Sweet

& Wilfred: That glory hole shit out there... that... was... beautiful. Pussy without a name or face or personality is the perfect kind of pussy.

& Ryan: I should probably stick with this job hunt for a while until I get something.
    Kristen: Really? Bummer. Kind of enjoyed being “funemployed” together.

& Anne: Oh, my God, that is so awesome! If I didn’t have a boyfriend, I would totally suck your nuts right now.

---

& Kristen: Oh, my deep tissue is thanking the shit out of you right now.

& Ryan: That does happen sometimes. You can fall out of love just as quickly as you fell into it.

& Job recruiter: Are you ready to get your dick sucked, Ryan?

& Ryan: Wh-What’s going on?
    Wilfred: I’ve been doing a little pure-breeding of my own, mate. I think I’ll name your baby Rysten.

& Ryan: I’m doing the exact same thing with this job search. It’s like... what if I get rejected? What if I fail? But I guess, at a certain point, it’s more dangerous to not move forward with your life.

--
On the IMDb

Distance

Wilfred 3×10

“Sometimes it’s necessary to go
a long distance out of the way to come
back s short distance correctly.”
Edward Albee

& Ryan: Kind of reminds me of Wilfred.
    Kristen: You know, you talk about Wilfred more than most people talk about their neighbors’ dogs.
    Ryan: I guess I just...
    Kristen: Nobody talks about their neighbors’ dogs, Ryan.

& Ryan: Thanks.
    Wilfred: What? It’s not finished. “Ryan is a little bit chiseled.” It’s true. You look good. Have you been working out?

---

& Wilfred: Oh. It’s for my Instagram. If all my friends don’t see a photo of every single meal I eat, they’ll probably start to think I’m weird.

& Wilfred: Serious question: If you knew that you could get away with it, would you rape... someone?
    Ryan: No. Of course not.
    Wilfred: You know, I’m like-like talking about, like, say, if you knew there was, like, zero chance that you could get caught, like, would you... rape... someone?
    Ryan: Under no circumstance would I ever do that.
    Wilfred: .... Nah, me, neither.

--
On the IMDb

Confrontation

Wilfred 3×9

“There can be no progress without
head-on confrontation.”
Christopher Hitchens

& Wilfred: I’ll just... mail my Christmas list to Santa. Want to hear what I’m asking for?
    Ryan: Sure.
    Wilfred: A Big Wheel, so I can drag Santa’s severed head through the streets of Venice. A Darth Vader action figure, so I can stick that plastic, tiny, little lightsaber into Santa’s urethra. A catcher’s mitt, so I can make cruel comparisons to Mrs. Claus’s vagina.
    Ryan: Why do you hate Santa so much?
    Wilfred: Santa is the mailman on steroids. I mean, this guy comes into your house— into your house— leaves packages covered with his scent, calls you “ho” three times. Keep in mind, this is a guy who has sex with reindeer.

& Catherine: Merry Christmas, poopy pants! Well, I know you’re all grown-up, but I will always think of you that way.

---

& Kristen: I can get you a beer instead.
    Henry: I’m fine, pumpkin.
    Wilfred: Pumpkin? Okay, just so I understand, your dad nicknamed his daughter after the scent of her vagina? Cool!

& Ryan: Listen, I-I think it’s time someone told you the truth... Santa isn’t real.
    Wilfred: What? Because no one else can see him, that means he isn’t real?..

& Catherine: Well, this isn’t your drawing. You were a little more spontaneous than that. At least until your father stomped your imagination to death.
    Ryan: Then, who drew it?
    Catherine: Kristen.

--
On the IMDb

Perspective

Wilfred 3×8

How weird it was to drive streets
I knew so well. What a different
perspective.
Suzanne Vega

& Dr. Blum: You know, dogs can be very therapeutic. Why don’t you bring him in... It might help you to relax.

& Dr. Blum: Oh, by the way, it can be very comforting to touch an animal while sharing your thoughts in therapy. I’d like you to pet Wilfred now.
    Wilfred: Yeah, I don’t think so. Ryan and I don’t really do the petting thing.

& Ryan: You definitely forgot.
    Wilfred: The point is... things we bury in the past are sometimes not as upsetting as we remember them.

& Wilfred: Like I said, trust me on this. Always trust Wilfred. A.T.W. That’s why we wear these wristbands, to constantly remind ourselves of that. Wait, what did you do with yours?

& Ryan: Wilfred? What are you doing here?
    Inner Wilfred: Shh! I’m not Wilfred. I’m a creation of your mind, and I’m here to deliver a very important message to you: Don’t trust Wilfred.

---

& Ryan: Your purpose is to tell me that I’m not supposed to trust Wilfred?
    Inner Wilfred: Never trust Wilfred. N.T.W. That’s why I wear this bracelet, to...
    Ryan: Constantly remind yourself of that. I got it.
    Inner Wilfred: Here’s yours, by the way.

& Ryan: Wait, is that a spaceship?
    Inner Wilfred: Hey, buddy. I sure did have a lot of fun hanging out with you. Thanks for showing me your planet. But now it’s time for me to return to my home planet.
    Ryan: Wait, you’re an alien?
    Inner Wilfred: I’m gonna miss you, little fella.

& Dr. Blum: Now, before we end our session today, I-I’d like to talk to you about some things you said during the EMDR. Specifically, your memory of, and I quote, “the beast with four Matt Damon heads who fellated you one night, each head performing a different, specific, oral task...”

& Ryan: Don’t eat that.
    Wilfred: It’s got chocolate in it?
    Ryan: Yes.
    Wilfred: It’s got raisins in it, too?
    Ryan: Yes, and both are poison to dogs.
    Wilfred: And that... is it mold on it, growing there? And if I eat it, it’ll make me sick, right?
    Ryan: Right. Exactly.
    Wilfred: Thanks for the heads-up.
    Ryan: You’re welcome.
    Wilfred: ..... Better take me to the vet.

--
On the IMDb

Intuition

Wilfred 3×7

“Intuition is more important to
discovery than logic.”
Henry Poincaré

& Wilfred: You’re distracting my subject, Ryan.
    Ryan: Sorry.
    Anne: Oh, I don’t mind him in here. Although it is weird how dogs like to just sit there and watch you shit.

& Ryan: I couldn’t shake the feeling that I’d actually just seen my dad. It was creepy how real it felt.
    Wilfred: I had a dream like that once. I had a dream that the nation rose up to live out its true creed, that in the state of Alabama little black boys and girls were able to hold hands with little white boys and girls and walk together as brother and sister. It was creepy how real it felt.

& Ryan: Why are dogs so fascinated by watching people shit?
    Wilfred: Because we’re students, Ryan. Students of human nature. A person’s fecal expulsion technique can teach you a lot about them.

---

& Kristen: As a doctor, ethically and legally I’m not allowed to give these to you. So... just think of me as a sister with easy access to really good drugs.

& Wilfred: Do you smell it, too, Ryan?
    Ryan: Smell what?
    Wilfred: The stench of death.

& Wilfred: I told you. My gut never lies.
    Ryan: You’re a regular Scooby-Doo. ... What the hell?!
    Wilfred: You called me the S-word. That’s the most racist character ever created. “Ruh-roh!” Wh-Who talks like that?

& Ryan: You killed Jellybeans for his bandana. You’re a monster.
    Wilfred: I did it because of you, Ryan! You drove me to it. The way you went on and on about that bandana!
    Ryan: I said it was cute.
    Wilfred: Exactly! What was I supposed to do... not kill him for his bandana?

--
On the IMDb

Delusion

Wilfred 3×6

"Truth may sometimes hurt, but
delusion harms."
Vanna Bonta

& Ryan: If you’re so upset about it, why are you wagging your tail?
    Wilfred: Sarcastically, Ryan.

& Wilfred: Well, she’s getting up there in years. What about a book on how to play bridge or a sewing kit?
    Ryan: Jenna’s only turning 30. That’s not that old.
    Wilfred: Yes, it is. I’m, like, nine. I can’t even imagine turning 30.
    Ryan: Every human year is seven dog years. You’re 63.
    Wilfred: Holy shit. I’m, like... old.
    Ryan: Come on. You’ve still got a lot of life ahead of you.
    Wilfred: This is terrible. That means I’ve got 42, maybe 49 years left?

& Wilfred: And then after I’m gone, all the wondrous things I’ve done: the adventures, the hijinks, the naps in between... it’ll all be forgotten.
    Ryan: You’ll live on, Wilfred. I’ll tell my kids about you.
    Wilfred: I appreciate that, Ryan, but to have kids you need to have sex.

& Wilfred: I’ve never really been a taco guy. I don’t speak Spanish, so...

---

& Kristen: Why weren’t you waiting for me in the driveway to help me?
    Ryan: You’re an hour early.
    Kristen: So?

& Wilfred: I looked in the mirror again this morning. Guess what I found?.. 8,867,322 gray hairs.

& Wilfred: You can’t put genius on hold! Dude, the Muses are basically all up on my nuts right now!

& Jenna: You know, when I was little, my mom used to yell out at me in public, “Susab!”
    Ryan: “Susab?”
    Jenna: It’s an acronym. “Stand Up Straight And Breath mint.”

& Wilfred: Listen, I’ve got some great new ideas. The Muses have basically been taking turns sitting on my face for the last two hours.

& Ryan: Jenna, there’s something I have to tell you. I... I’m not feeling that well.

& Wilfred: You’ve never heard of werewolves? Oh, Ryan, wait until you hear about these creatures. They start off just like normal guys, like, charming, handsome, just... normal. Then, once a month, they magically transform into these evil, grotesque humans for, like, 29 days.

--
On the IMDb

Shame

Wilfred 3×5

“I have little shame,
no dignity — all in the name
of a better cause.”
A.J. Jacobs

& Jenna: You spend almost every day watching Wilfred. If we weren’t paying you, we’d be paying another dog sitter.
    Ryan: Dog sitter?!

& Wilfred: I had to create this sanctuary of stinking detritus. You don’t understand what it’s like at home right now... no crumbs, not even a grease smudge, everything smells Cloroxy. I just wish Jenna would stop hanging out with that anal, OCD clean-freak, Juanita!
    Ryan: You mean the cleaning lady?

& Ryan: The truth is, I owe the bank $12,000 that I don’t have.
    Wilfred: Okay, I don’t understand amounts, so I gather from your tone that that’s, like, awesome?

& Wilfred: Ryan, before you make a rash decision, there’s something you need to know about that woman... She has a bag of two-day-old egg rolls in her backpack.
    Ryan: I’m going with Chris. You’re gonna have to get your gross fix somewhere else.
    Wilfred: Gross fix? I am an Epicurean!

---

& Anne: I run a small Internet business.
    Ryan: Really?
    Anne: Yeah, started it myself. Attracted investors, built up a user base.
    Ryan: Wow. Is it media-related or more social networking?
    Anne: Oh, people pay to watch me eat.
    Ryan: So you’re, like, a food critic?
    Anne: No. I just eat food on my webcam. It’s a great job, actually. I mean, I’m not naive. I realize that most of my clients are... you know... men, but... I love being my own boss. Basically, you get paid a shit-load of money to eat three meals a day.

& Ryan: This is torture. Anne came down this morning wearing only her nightshirt, sat on the living room chair and basically Sharon Stone’d me.

& Ryan: Wilfred, have you looked in the mirror lately?
    Wilfred: Oh, yeah. There’s some new fat dog hanging out in there. I made fun of him yesterday for, like, three hours.
    Ryan: That dog is you. You keep eating all the food Anne drops.
    Wilfred: Me? Fat?! Is that why that dog in the mirror keeps saying such hurtful things?

& Ryan: Thank God. I got a job interview at Silverstein and Goldblatt.

& Ryan: You sabotaged my job interview!
    Wilfred: You’re damn right I did! I will not stand idly... I will not stand... I will not sit idly by and let you kick Anne out.

& Wilfred: You ripped the horn off the unicorn, Ryan, because you wanted to make it a normal horse, but it’ll never be a normal horse, because now there’s that circular scab in its forehead.

& Wilfred: Of course it’s me, Bear. Who else would it be? ... Oh, what, you think I can’t talk and satisfy you at the same time? I’ve got to take a piss. Finish Bear off for me?..

--
On the IMDb

Sincerity

Wilfred 3×4

“Sincerity, even if it speaks with
a stutter, will sound eloquent
when inspired.”
Eiji Yoshikawa

& Wilfred: What is happening to this park? It’s being overrun by... dog weirdos.
    Ryan: Dog weirdos?
    Wilfred: People who treat their dogs like cute, amusing, four-legged little children. We’re descendents of the wolf, for Christ’s sake!

& Ryan: There’s nothing wrong with embellishing a little when you’re talking to a pretty girl.
    Wilfred: Yeah, I used to play it like that. I used to tell chicks lies about myself just to get laid. One night, I’d be a pilot; the next, a doctor. But these women weren’t having sex with a pilot or a doctor. They were having sex with a lie. And more sick and depraved than that?.. They were having sex with a dog. But I learnt my lesson.

& Ryan: Wilfred, pay attention!
    Wilfred: Paying attention is for narcs and dweebazoids.

---

& Kim: Look, a lot of people don’t understand how much attention dogs really need. I mean, they’re like little four-legged children.
    Ryan: I say exactly the same thing. Except I say they’re like little people with four legs.
    Kim: Well, I think “little children” is probably more accurate. “Little people” sort of implies dwarves or midgets.
    Ryan: Right. They’re not like midgets.

& Wilfred: That is not what I was thinking! I was thinking how ironic it is that Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves, yet he himself was a slave to a weird beard style!

& Ryan: Wilfred...! What are you doing, boy?
    Wilfred: Just doing what all freaks do, at some point: sewing the seeds of chaos and anarchy.

& Wilfred: See you at the party on the weekend, digger. ... I said “digger.” With a “D.” No, no, uh, because you’re a dog and you like to dig. Digger. No, I-I d... I think you missed... Yep. I’ll sh... I’ll shut up.

& Wilfred: Wait, so... and the ship just sank to the bottom of the... deep blue sea?
    Ryan: Yep.
    Wilfred: They didn’t see the iceberg?
    Ryan: Nope.
    Wilfred: And they didn’t smell the iceberg?
    Ryan: Nope.
    Wilfred: They didn’t hear the iceberg?
    Ryan: Nope.
    Wilfred: Idiots.

--
On the IMDb