& Well... M-my -- my favorite sex position...
& I'm trying to learn things about myself. Um, I got a scale for my bathroom. I'm not trying to lose weight, I'm just interested in the data.
& Here's the thing: men... our biggest fear in life is that we're going to get caught being a kid fucker, that's every guy's biggest fear. Even if you would never do it, every guy's like, "That's what's going to happen to me, I know it." It's like being afraid of sharks when you live in the desert, like, "I don't go to the ocean, but it's going to happen." 'Cause it's a fear not based in its likelihood, but in how horrible it would be if it happened.
& We lose things because we won't really face it, you know, that are important us, like the Boy Scouts. Boy Scouts -- wonderful thing, being sued out of existence 'cause of all the kid fuckery that goes on. ...
& Take the contribution from where it comes. Michael Jackson -- wonderful music, blessed us with wonderful music -- did some other things, too. What -- look, what's worse: a pedophile who makes beautiful music, or one that doesn't? This is the choices. "No pedophiles" is not on the menu.
& So how've you all been enjoying living the way I already was for a couple of years before all this shit? Welcome to my life.
& Can't work, can't go outside, can't show your face, gotta wash your groceries. 'Cause I got cum on the groceries.
& I have a solution for the pandemic, by the way, for COVID, I have it. This is it: We test everybody, first of all, and every time we find somebody who has COVID, you kill them. That's it. That's the solution. You won't need another one after that one. That's the final one.
& It's been pretty amazing to be alive during this thing, during COVID, because you're not going to see this again, and, wow, did we learn some shit.
& The things that teach you in life are things you never would have chosen to do for yourself.
& Think about your life as far as it's been, where you had the choices, where you're like, "I'm going to do this, I'm going to pursue this." It all goes to shit, every bit of it. And even when it goes right, you're like, "Why don't I like it? It's what I wanted. But why don't I like it?!" Because it's your choice and your choices are based on fear and fucking just thin, stupid, shitty hopes. But when life just kicks you in the balls and you're like, "Oh, fuck, everything's different now," and you... It shows you shit you wouldn't have looked at otherwise.
& And what I thought was really interesting about COVID, and still is, is that it's the first thing I've seen where everyone on Earth had the same problem. Every human being on Earth had the same problem, and we never had that before. That's why we don't give a shit about each other...
& We all had the same problem, every person from Zimbabwe to Tokyo to Newark to Honolulu, everybody was doing the same dumb shit. Every person had the same stupid fucking moment at the same -- just trying to get the mask out of the well of your car door, trying to... "I got to go in Walgreen's, where's my fucking mask?"
& I actually like the masks, 'cause it just -- everybody looked nice. Everybody did, 'cause it's just their eyes. Eyes are nice.
& It really was an interesting social experiment, COVID, because everybody got told the same thing -- the whole world got told the same thing. If you go out unnecessarily, millions will die. And a lot of us said, "Oh, I'm going out." "Yeah... I'm going now and a lot." Yeah, and millions died.
& One thing I found very interesting was that during the pandemic, a lot of people really liked counting the dead people. That got very popular, was counting the amount of the dead and dying.
& That's my main problem, by the way, with the whole "defund the police" idea: What about people who want to commit suicide by cop? What about them?
& We had a lot of protests in New York, and now we have protesters that just live here. They're not at a protest, they're just
here.
& I think that -- I thought it was good how p--- how young people got out there and they expressed themselves, they went out there to solve a lot of problems. Not all the problems, but
some of them. They went out there to stop discrimination. Uh, not all discrimination. Just some of it, which is a weird form of discrimination.
& By the way, you know how many fat people we have in this country? About 600 trillion-billion-thousands of 'em! You know how many trans people there are? About 38. But if you're trans and you need a restroom and it's awkward, we'll change every restroom! But if you're fat and you need an MRI, you go to the zoo, you fat bitch. Just go to the
zoo.
& I'm saying this out of respect for elephants, by the way, because we're supposed to respect how they live. They don't fucking cure their diseases. This is not their culture, this is our weird -- "Let's fix it! Oh, he's sick!" That's not how elephants live!
& An elephant in the Serengeti isn't like, "I have a lump, I have to see my oncologist." When an elephant gets cancer, he falls over and takes his fuckin' turn and becomes food. You don't put an elephant in a state-of-the-art -- What if you find cancer? What, are you going to give them chemotherapy? Think a skinny elephant with a pink baseball hat.
"Each day is a gift."
& I love animals, I do... I do. We have a weird relationship to animals -- we name them and we play with them, and we kill them and we eat them, and we stuff them. And we draw them.
& I have a dog -- I love my dog, but I don't
know my dog. We've never had a conversation, not one time.
& There's no way she's just like, "Dog." There's stuff going on in here. I've seen it. You ever watch your dog make a decision? You ever d-- watch your dog just walk in the room and then look around, like... "I'm going to go over here."
Why?! Please tell me why!
& I think my dog thinks I'm insane because I look at my life through her -- through her eyes, like, I'll watch TV for four hours, and from my dog's point of view, I'm just sitting there....... "What -- the fuck is he laughing, what happened?"
& It's just the way it is, you're not going to -- A baby will never come out of a penis. Which is good. It's a good thing. Because it's hard for women. Imagine pushing a whole baby out of your penis, dickhole. Even just the hand. Yeah... Anyway, so that's why gay couples adopt. That's why.
& Did you hear the other one ended with "banana"? Banana -- I got three banana jokes, by the way. This is number two...
& You wanna hear the other banana one now? All right.
& Okay, so... I was at the grocery store... and I needed bananas. So I go over to where the bananas are, and there's a Black woman at the bananas... It's going to be okay. It's going to be okay, I swear... I understand.
& White people are very scared of discussing bananas and Black people in the same conversation. I understand -- if I have a Black friend over, I would never offer him a banana. I just, I don't know why, I just wouldn't do it. ... These are just the facts of the case. All right?
& So I'm waiting. And she's kind of takin' a long time. And the longer she takes, the longer I'm a white man watching a Black woman choose bananas. And this is an awful thing about the world today, because I know
I'm not doing anything wrong, but I feel fucking bad. I feel fucking bad.
& So I went to the strawberries. And there's a fuckin' Jew at the strawberries.
"Here's a nice one!..." That's the Jew. I'm not going to do the Black woman. No, not -- you know why? Because I'm not afraid of Jews. That's really... That's the bottom line. I'm not scared of Jews.
& I don't find Jews to be frightening... unless you're in Palestine, then they're terrifying. It's very different. Over there, they're like, "The Jews are killing us!" And here, we're like, "Really? The Jews?" "We've been slapping them around for years."
& Just trying to be fair. Just trying to be fair to the Jews.
"Lawd, have mercy." Anyway... Don't worry, I'm an old man, I'll be gone very soon.
& I worry about getting old only 'cause I don't want to lose my memory, you know? I mean, some of it I would love to lose. But it doesn't work that way. You got to take it all or none, I guess.
& Some people worry about getting old because they think it means that they're dying, which it does. But this doesn't worry me -- I don't worry about dying because I think it's necessary. I think it's something that you just have to do. You should do it. It's -- when it's your turn, you should do it.
& If somebody you know, your doctor says you're dying, just say, "Okay," and die -- don't, you know, "May be a miracle?" Fuck you, get in the ground, just take your turn.
& ...an important idea, which is that dying is important, it's every generation's greatest contribution to history is that they die. It's the only thing that keeps things moving; it's the only reason there's any progress in the human race is that folks keep fucking dying. Every generation has had a mix of douche bags and amazing people and boring, great, good, whatever, but they're all fucking dead. Every fuckin' one. Thank God, they're all fucking dead. There's a limit to how much any of the good ones did, and the shitty ones got to stop being shitty. It's a great system.
& ...just, when you get older and you start going, "Everything's so crazy now" -- no, it's fine, just get the fuck out.
& If you're in an airport and you're looking at the toilet and you're like, "I don't understand how this works," it's time for you to die, that's what that means. These toilets are for the next people, get the fuck out. That's the way I look at my life now.
& I'm excited about a lot of what's coming, there's things that are hard now, but that's the way it is. Things are going to get -- I think it's exciting what's happening; I think young people today have some great ideas. They're being a little cunty about some of them, but the ideas are good. The ideas are good.
& We were so -- we were afraid to seem gay when I was a kid, 'cause in the '70s, the stereotypes showed you what everybody is like. Men are like this... And then the women have to act like this... and then gay people are like... they're just tired. That was gay people in the '70s.
"I'm gay. Help, I'm gay, I can't even do anything."
& You ever meet a gay person? You don't fuck with gay people, not today. They're all athletes, first of all. And they -- they got their shit together. They're fucking -- their motherfuckers, gay people. Your landlord's gay. They're billionaires! They own Apple. They're in the cabinet, they're in the Navy. They're -- they're -- they're cowboys and Indians and construction workers. Gay men are
men.
& Gay men are men now. They're -- they're fathers, they're husbands, they're
men. Today's heterosexual men are
faggots. I don't know how that happened! And I -- but they're fags! I'm saying that with love and as an old man on his way out the door, but they're fucking fags! They're intelligent and they're evolved, but they're fags, with the pajama shorts?! And the -- just pale, almost blue. "Mm, my wife got a promotion today." Oh, good for you, faggot.
& We should have all of it, the whole spectrum, the whole alphabet, all of it. But somebody does have to be just a straight fucking. You have to have
that. It doesn't have to be the most important, but you do need it because it's where it all fuckin' comes from. Until they figure out some other shit, this is where life still starts. If -- if you want to eat local and organic, you got to respect that someone's got to have a hard dick fucking a pussy. That's -- that's where every trans, every gay person, came from -- two boring straight people fucking.
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