The Stockholm Syndrome

The Big Bang Theory 12×24

Leonard: This might be the glue talking, but that was a very pleasurable 139 and a half hours.

Penny: Well, I can't get more pregnant.
Leonard: Mm-hmm. We'll see about that.

Bernadette: You realize it's been years since we've got away just the two of us.
Howard: I know. I can't wait. Fancy hotel room. The big bed...
Bernadette: Yeah. We're gonna sleep our asses off.

Amy: Go.
Sheldon: "Your majesties, members of the Nobel Academy— when I was a young boy growing up in East Texas I always knew I'd wind up on this stage, ......

Amy: Sheldon, this isn't about ruing. This is about... humbly accepting a great honor.
Sheldon: Amy, we won the Nobel Prize in Physics. Humility is for people who win the goofy Nobels like Literature, Economics and Peace.
Amy: Please tell me that's not in your speech.

---

Bernadette: Sometimes you're just... ech.

Howard: I was just looking at the map. Couldn't help thinking: we're here and they're there, and if anything happened, we'd have to go here to get all the way back there.
Bernadette: Why are you trying to freak me out?
Howard: This is our vacation. I thought we should do things together.

Sheldon: Good news, Amy. She's just pregnant.

Sheldon: Oh, please, you couldn't upstage us. We won a Nobel Prize. Any idiot can have a baby.

Penny: Oh, my God!... Pickled herring. Who knew how good it was!.. Sounds gross. Looks gross. Smells gross... It's delicious!

Penny: It's so strange. No matter how thoughtless and selfish he is, I still love him.
Leonard: If you think about it... he has kind of been our practice kid.

Sheldon: I was there the moment Leonard and Penny met. He said to me that their babies would be smart and beautiful. And now that they're expecting, I have no doubt that that will be the case.

Sheldon: Howard, Bernadette, Raj, Penny, Leonard, I apologize if I haven't been the friend you deserve. But I want you to know in my way, I love you all. And I love you.

--
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+ Vanity Card # XXX

The End

The Change Constant

The Big Bang Theory 12×23

Sheldon: That's the beauty of half-lives: it's impossible to determine when you'll arrive at zero.

Penny: Leonard, coffee?
Leonard: Black and strong, like Luke Cage.
Penny: I'm too tired to even be disturbed by that.

Sheldon: Oh, why don't we play a game to pass the time? Here. Uh, I am thinking of a number. Hint: it's a cube of a cube of a prime.

Sheldon: We did it.
Amy: I know. Can you believe it?
Sheldon: That's a good point. What if I'm dreaming?...

Sheldon: We won the Nobel Prize!

Sheldon: Aw. It's a congratulations text from my meemaw. Ooh. Oh, and there's one from my mom. And my sister. Oh, and my brother. And my brother's ex-wife. My brother's other ex-wife.

Raj: Was it your left hand or your right hand?

Sheldon: What kind of tea is appropriate for winning a Nobel Prize and now everything is changing and you feel unmoored from reality?...
Leonard: I don't know. Earl Grey?

---

Sheldon: I like you better the way you were.
Raj: But she looks beautiful! Classic lines, colors that complement her skin tone, and hair that goes from "office" to "on the town" in minutes...
Sheldon: I don't care. Put it back!

Leonard: My fault. I was out of Earl Grey.

Penny: Can you believe it? They finally fixed the elevator.

Leonard: You need to focus on the positive. You won a Nobel Prize. I slapped Sheldon. A lot of dreams came true today!

Sheldon: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down.
Penny: I'm playing a drinking game. Every time you say the word "change," I take a slug.

Sheldon: And now there is a completely different woman who botched my drink order. How hard is 65% Coke, 35% Diet Coke?
Penny: Well, judging by the look on her face, it's at least one percent saliva.

Penny: I guess the only thing that actually stays the same is that things are always changing.
Sheldon: Interesting... So you're saying the inevitability of change might be a universal constant.
Penny: Well, there's a little more to it than that, but, yeah, sure.

Sheldon: I'll join you. Waitress, uh, 95% Hawaiian Punch, five percent vodka.

Sheldon: This is wild.

--
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+ Soundtrack

The Maternal Conclusion

The Big Bang Theory 12×22

Penny: Never? Isn't that usually when you go to the gym?

Leonard: She likes to take a cab or a shuttle. That way she can meet people... She always says that a stranger is just a person whose emotional weak point you haven't found yet.

Beverly: So it's just you?

Penny: Wow, she's being really nice.
Leonard: Yeah, clearly, one of us is dying.

Stuart: Oh, she has a roommate, and he's kind of creepy. A-And that's coming from me.

Sheldon: Oh, yes, experimental physics, the carpentry of the science world...

Raj: Hey, I can work from anywhere, I'm an astronomer. They have stars in London, and I'm not just talking about Dame Judi Dench.

Penny: It made him so happy showing you around his lab yesterday.
Beverly: Interesting. Would you say that that made him, uh, much happier than usual, somewhat happier than usual or as happy as usual?
Penny: Hmm, multiple choice... Um, I'm-a go with D: "that's a weird question."

Beverly: You seem angry.
Leonard: Of course I'm angry!
Beverly: Well, so would you say that you're somewhat angry, very angry or extremely angry?

---

Sheldon: No knock?! What's the fracas?

Amy: Sheldon, no!
Sheldon: Why?
Amy: Well, it's an emotionally complex issue. I don't have time to explain it right now.
Sheldon: Okay, but that excuse is running out of steam.

Denise: And tomorrow?
Stuart: With my health being what it is, I try to live one day at a time.

Stuart: More than Galactus wants to devour worlds.
Denise: ...more than the Thing wants to clobber.
Stuart: More than Hulk wants to smash?
Denise: More than Batman wants to ignore the due process of law.
Stuart: We are so weird.

Raj: But what if this is my last chance at marriage and family?
Howard: I promise you it's not. Believe me, somewhere out there... is a woman who loves cooking shows and sweater vests and... all the other dumb things you love.

Howard: When you propose to someone in Notting Hill... it should be to someone who knows what that movie is.

Raj: Are you saying... you're just a boy... standing in front of another boy... saying you don't want him to leave?

Leonard: You know what? It doesn't matter. Doesn't matter, you're never gonna change. If I want you to accept me for me, then I guess I'm gonna have to accept you for you.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb

The Plagiarism Schism

The Big Bang Theory 12×21

Dr Campbell: You know, when you think about it... we're linked together the same way that super-asymmetry links together every atom in the universe.
Amy: That's not what it does at all!!!
Dr Pemberton: Well, that's the great thing about science. We all get to have our own opinions.
Sheldon: .... I'm still not talking. That's impressive, right?

Sheldon: Apparently, Old Testament God would bring down his wrath on them for being deceitful, but New Testament God would forgive them.
Amy: So couldn't we just bring down our wrath and ask the New Testament God to forgive us?
Sheldon: You know, I asked my mom that very question.
Amy: And?
Sheldon: She said I was full of California sass.

Howard: It wouldn't just knock Pemberton out of Nobel contention, it would blow up his whole career.
Bernadette: To that, I say kaboom!

---

Raj: Maybe because you want to win, but deep down you know it's not the honorable way to do it. Otherwise, you would've done it already.
Amy: That's really wise.
Sheldon: Yes, but it may just be the Indian accent.

Sheldon: I love talking to you. It's like talking to me, but with a girl voice.

Amy: Hi, Leonard.
Leonard: What? Nothing.
Amy: You okay?
Leonard: Uh, no, you are.

Amy: It's sweet that you want to help, but we don't want you compromising your integrity for us.
Sheldon: Wait, what— really? I thought we were just worried about looking bad.
Amy: It could be both.
Sheldon: O-okay. But I'm gonna go with my reason. Yours is too complicated.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb

The Decision Reverberation

The Big Bang Theory 12×20

Sheldon: I'm not gonna eat at 10:00 at night. Who am I, Hemingway?

Bernadette: 3-D. If I'm gonna see Thor, I want to feel like I could lick those abs.

Sheldon: He is a textbook satisficer.
Leonard: That's not even a word.
Sheldon: Uh, yes, it is. According to Nobel Prize-winning economist Herbert Simon, satisficing is a decision-making strategy whereby a person accepts whatever available option is satisfactory rather than seeking out a course of action that would make him happiest, as I just did when I explained what satisficing was.

Raj: Oh. When you say "exciting," do you mean "go back to my place" exciting or "hold our breath and do it here"?

Amy: Do I want to ask?...

Amy: Wow. Déjà vu.
Sheldon: Amy, you're a neuroscientist— you know the latest research into déjà vu suggests it's nothing but the frontal regions of the brain attempting to correct an inaccurate memory.
Amy: You telling me stuff I already know is definitely déjà vu.

---

Sheldon: How can I tell if I'm doing something for a noble reason or a selfish reason?
Amy: ... Try saying the thing in your head and see if you can add the words, "That'll show 'em."

Howard: Hey, Bernie, look at this...
Bernadette: "Caltech astrophysicist claims Loch Ness Monster is real."

Leonard: Even though they couldn't make me a lead investigator on a plasma team, there was an opening for a co-lead on a photon entanglement team. How cool is that?
Penny: You're gonna have to tell me.

Leonard: I almost got what I wanted, and it never would have happened if you hadn't almost believed in me.

Sheldon: Have you ever wondered what the Hulk would be like if he were made of sherbet?
Leonard: I give up.
Sheldon: Delicious.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb

The Inspiration Deprivation

The Big Bang Theory 12×19

Howard: It's no big deal. I used to get called into H.R. all the time. Ms. Davis is great. Pro tip: if you find strong women sexy, do not say it out loud.

Sheldon: All right, let's get our story straight: This is all your fault.

Howard: Hey, I forget, why did you sell the scooter?
Raj: I finally got my woman. Then my woman made me sell it.

Penny: Really? This thing has numbers?
Sheldon: Anything has a number if you assign it a number, friend number four.
Leonard: Top five, not bad.

Howard: Check it out... That there, son, is 12 horses of "eye-talian" thunder.

Bebe: But if at any time you feel uncomfortable, just press the panic button and say, "Bebe."
Sheldon: That's a stupid word.

Sheldon: Ooh, colors... It's infinite iterations of the "Nautilus" section of the Mandelbrot set. That's some good stuff...

---

Sheldon: That tank was amazing. It was like Disneyland, but the rides were in 35 dimensions. And instead of Mickey, I had my picture taken with the concept that time is an illusion.

Sheldon: A little constructive criticism: You're saying you're happy, but you're using your mean voice.

Sheldon: Hang on.
Amy: What-what are you doing?
Sheldon: I'm googling what to do when someone's freaking out.

Sheldon: Thank goodness you're home. I don't know if you can tell, but I am literally losing my mind.
Amy: You are?
Sheldon: Isn't it obvious? I just used "literally" figuratively. Like a crazy person.

Sheldon: ♪ Soft kitty, warm kitty ♪
    ♪ Little ball of fur ♪
    ♪ Happy kitty, sleepy kitty ♪
    ♪ Purr, purr, purr ♪

Amy: You were right that, like it or not, I am a role model. But you are wrong to keep me on the sidelines. I am smart, I'm capable, and I can make a difference!
Janine Davis: Well said. You make a strong case.
Amy: Damn right, 'cause I'm a strong woman wearing a strong man's deodorant!
Janine Davis: Well, how about have a seat? Maybe you'd like a glass of water?
Amy: You have anything with a little more kick?

--
On the IMDb

The Laureate Accumulation

The Big Bang Theory 12×18

President Siebert: Who needs to be likable when you have Nobel Laureates campaigning for you?
Sheldon: Oh, yeah-- wait a minute. Do you not think we're likable?
President Siebert: That's what's great about you, you never stop asking the tough questions.

Sheldon: I was jealous, angry and new to Twitter. It was a dangerous combination.

Amy: We need them on our side, but unfortunately, Sheldon...
Penny: No. "Unfortunately, Sheldon..." that's all you got to say.

Penny: They're pretty smart. Don't you think they're gonna realize it's just a bribe?
Sheldon: No, you'd think, but sometimes brilliant people can be painfully oblivious to social cues.
Penny: ... Thank you for pointing that out, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Anytime.

Sheldon: Oh, he arranged the cookies to spell out "thank you..."
Amy: ... Sheldon, that word isn't "thank."

Howard: The Frightened Little Astronaut?
Raj: That looks just like you!.. Look how tiny and scared you look.

Penny: Okay, what did he say that was so insulting?
Amy: Well, he may have suggested there was an inelegance to the quadrupole normalization of Smoot's data.
Penny: .... Damn!

---

Sheldon: Sometimes I wish I could invent a time machine, so I could go back and prevent myself from acting so rashly.
Leonard: Or moving forward, you could think before you speak.
Sheldon: I suppose so.
Leonard: But the time machine thing is probably more likely.

Stuart: Bernadette said you weren't crazy about the book.
Howard: No. It's great. I just don't want anyone to ever see it or read it or know it exists.

Penny: Okay, look, Sheldon's a pain in the ass. But Dr. Fowler's really nice. So if you average them out-- math...

Howard: It's a children's book. I mean, cats don't wear hats. And if someone gives you green eggs, it ends with you on the toilet trying to make a deal with God.

Bernadette: I guess it would just take a really brave man to put an embarrassing story like that out into the world, just so it might help some frightened children not feel so alone.
Howard: Wow. That is quite the guilt trip... Are you sure you're not Jewish?
Bernadette: I'm just a wife that is so proud of her husband, and doesn't think that he has anything to be embarrassed about.
Howard: Oh. You're sounding less and less Jewish.

--
On the IMDb

The Conference Valuation

The Big Bang Theory 12×17

Bernadette: You're gonna do great.
Penny: You really think so?
Bernadette: Of course; they're scared of you, you're scared of me-- The system works.

Leonard: You're gonna do great. Just relax, stay out of your head, and try to enjoy it.
Penny: Aw. That reminds me of what I said to you the first time we slept together.
Leonard: I still use it. It's a mantra.

Sheldon: If you're looking for something outside the norm, I have invented a new chess variant where the bishops can also move like knights.
Raj: What do you call that, Bishops Be Crazy?
Sheldon: ... First of all, it would be "Bishops Are Crazy."

Penny: Thank you for stopping by. It's a brand-new day!
Bernadette: See? You're doing great.
Penny: Yeah. Mediocre actress, great drug pusher. Who knew?

---

Sheldon: Um, I changed my mind. I thought it'd be fun to spend some time with your children. Where are the little scamps?
Howard: "Scamps"?
Sheldon: I'm sorry. Tykes. Rug rats. What is the PC term these days?

Leonard: Hey, y-you guys want to make this more interesting?
Sheldon: By establishing a double-blind protocol so we have a foundation to publish? Yes.

Raj: So you really think you can trick Sheldon into liking babies?
Amy: I slept with him; I married him. You want to be against me?

Penny: Danny. Danny, look at me. Does this face sell fungal creams? No. This face is cholesterol drugs and above.

Sheldon: You know, spending time with Michael and Halley today really made me think about our future children.
Amy: Huh, what an interesting and completely unforeseen development... What are you thinking?
Sheldon: Well, I just can't decide. Either five sets of triplets or three sets of quintuplets... You know what? It doesn't matter as long as they're healthy. And divisible by three.

--
On the IMDb

The D & D Vortex

The Big Bang Theory 12×16

Wil Wheaton: Now, before you explain it, keep in mind that our average viewer is this many.
Amy: Okay, imagine you're looking in a mirror. The image you see looks just like you. That's called symmetrical...
Sheldon: Now imagine you have a billion mirrors, and each of them reflects one thing about you correctly and a billion things about you incorrectly. And imagine the set of incorrect things are floating in an abstract n-dimensional hyperspace. Now imagine there was never a mirror to begin with.

Wil Wheaton: ... Maybe it's a special guest who I invited just to surprise you. Why don't you open it up and find out.
Sheldon: This is a terrible message to send to children! Children, you never open the door if you don't know who's on the other side! You always make your mommy or daddy do it while you hide under the bed and try to imagine what your superhero name will be when you avenge their deaths... But it can't be The Silver Shadow-- that's mine!

Raj: Hey, you guys want to read my fan fiction mash-up, "Captain Marvelous Mrs. Maisel"?

Penny: Leonard played Dungeons & Dragons with the hot guy from Magic Mike.
Bernadette: I never got to see that movie.
Penny: Seriously?!
Bernadette: Yeah, Howie made us leave as soon as he realized it wasn't about magic.
Amy: Well, I have seen that movie one or seven times, and trust me, it is magic.

Wil Wheaton: No. No. No. Hell no.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb

The Donation Oscillation

The Big Bang Theory 12×15

Zack: Sorry, bro, I know it seems impossible to go for five days without, but I believe in you.
Leonard: Five days? My record is 24 years.

Amy: Sheldon, come home! They don't want to have your baby!

Howard: Indian sushi? I need a change of underwear just thinking about that.

Howard: I know, it would've been fun, but, hey, the next time you decide to marry a woman you barely know.

Raj: It'll be like the good old days...
Howard: You mean when we were all sad, desperate and horribly alone?

Sheldon: ...it was right there... And it was Nutella.
Leonard: Thanks.
Sheldon: You looked like a hazelnut Hitler.

Howard: This weekend, I got us four seats on the Vomit Comet.
Sheldon: Oh, you lost me at "vomit," you lost me again at "comet," and to be honest, I was on the fence at "us."

Howard: He doesn't hate me. He's just disappointed that I'm not any other man on the planet.
Sheldon: That's how I feel about Ben Affleck as Batman.

Penny: Um... Leonard wants to have a baby with my ex-boyfriend Zack.

---

Howard: No, I want you to go if you're gonna have fun. I don't want you to go if you're gonna be miserable and ruin it for everyone. Which... is... a long way of saying I want you to go!

Wyatt: Well, I don't know about Los Angeles, but in Nebraska, that's kind of strange.
Penny: It's strange here, too, and we have a bakery for dogs.

Leonard: Wait, wait. I can't. I mean, I want to, but I'm not supposed to for the next three days.
Penny: Oh. That's right. I forgot. All right, well, guess I'll just read a little and then-- I don't know-- go to sleep.

Penny: Ooh, listen to this. "Bam... Pow... Take that, Batman..."

Anu: I'm an adrenaline junkie. Roller coasters, snowboarding, dating men who bathe with their dogs...
Bernadette: I'm a thrill-seeker, too. I've had to pull back since I became a mom, but I'll still jump on the back of a grocery cart and just roll through the meat section.
Howard: And I'm married to her, which is quite the ride.

Sheldon: Amy?.. There's something out here...

Amy: Is everything okay?
Leonard: Yeah, I... had to get out of the apartment. My wife kept trying to have sex with me.
Sheldon: Been there.

Leonard: If she has a problem, she should say something.
Sheldon: She tried to seduce you! If that's not a cry for help, I don't know what is.

Wyatt: ...But besides all that, being your dad is the best thing ever happened to me.

--
On the IMDb

The Meteorite Manifestation

The Big Bang Theory 12×14

Bernadette: No. I don't want to take my robe off under a spotlight. This is a candle body.

Bernadette: What are we gonna do about this?
Howard: I say... we wait until his lights go off, and then I make hot, motionless love to you...... Don't move. It's go time.

Howard: And then Andy said if we want privacy, we should plant some trees. The only way I know how to do that is to give a dollar and tree shows up in Israel.

Nathan: You know, a lot of people handle this type of thing online, but I always say nothing beats the human touch. Oh, but don't worry! I'm not gonna actually touch you. We had quite the informative meeting on that.

Bernadette: We were hoping you could check...
Nathan: I certainly can. I just need you to fill out a form, and we have them available in Armenian, Chinese, Cambodian, English, Farsi, Korean, Spanish and Vietnamese.
Howard: Well, English, obviously.
Nathan: Well, we're not allowed to presume. That was a whole other meeting.

Stuart: Whoa, whoa! You're not gonna cut open a meteor, are you? Have you not learned anything from comic books?! Space viruses? Pod people? I sell nothing but warnings.

Howard: Well, you know what they say: when life give you lumens, make lumen-Ade.

Sheldon: You think you know people...

Sheldon: You can't cross a double yellow line! What is this, the Purge?

Nathan: Interesting question...
Sheldon: Yeah, I know. Because, on the one hand, Confucius says we owe a greater responsibility to people we're close with rather than to society at large. But, on the other hand, Socrates says that we're obligated to obey all laws, even unjust ones. And then, furthermore, if we're entertaining rules about when it's okay to break the rules, I should-- where does it end?
Nathan: Well, for me, it ends at 5:00.

Sheldon: I didn't do it. I filled out the form and then realized that the unwritten rules of friendship are more important than the written rules of the city of Altadena's Zoning and Planning Department.

--
On the IMDb

The Confirmation Polarization

The Big Bang Theory 12×13

Penny: Aw, remember when they only did it on her birthday?

Penny: Aren't you always saying it's about the work, not more money or a better title?
Leonard: All the smart things I say, and you remember the dumb one...

Leonard: No, i-it's true. The scientists that proved the big bang, they thought their sensors needed cleaning until someone pointed out that they were picking up cosmic background radiation from the singularity. They won the Nobel. Not the scientists that came up with the theory.
Sheldon: So you're saying they could steal our Nobel Prize?

Bernadette: Why don't you want to work with me? I know I can be tough, but that's just 'cause I'm surrounded by useless idiots.
Penny: No, it's not that.

Sheldon: Why do you assume something's wrong?
Amy: Because you haven't touched your dinner, and you're literally ticking like a bomb about to go off.

Sheldon: Oh, Amy. You see through me like one of Penny's shirts...

Sheldon: If it's a fight that doesn't involve any touching, risk of physical harm or uncomfortable eye contact 'cause it's happening online or through intermediaries, I say bring it!

--
On the IMDb

The Propagation Proposition

The Big Bang Theory 12×12

Anu: Honestly, Raj, why do you even want to marry me?
Raj: You know, family and India and stuff.

Sheldon: Leonard, I remember all of Penny's ex-boyfriends. If you'd like, I could list them alphabetically.

Sheldon: A lot of people you don't know are rich. That doesn't seem to bother you. Mark Zuckerberg, Sultan of Brunei, Gordon Letwin...
Leonard: Who's that?
Sheldon: He's one of the first 11 employees of Microsoft.
Leonard: Yeah, well, I don't have to hang out with Gordon Letwin.
Sheldon: Well, that's too bad. He helped create the HPFS file system. Oh, the stories he could tell...

Penny: Whoa, whoa. You know, this has been such a nice evening. Let's all just stop before anyone says any more things.

Zack: Leonard, would you be the father of our baby?

---

Zack: Just to be clear, you don't get to... you know.
Leonard: No, I... I got it.
Zack: Just because I slept with your wife doesn't mean you get to sleep with mine.

Penny: It's not flattering. It's creepy!
Amy: Well, something can be both flattering and creepy. You know, just the other night, Sheldon said that my feet looked like Richard Feynman's hands...

Bernadette: Well, there is a deep-seated biological drive to pass on your genes. It's only natural...
Penny: So you're on his side?!
Amy: Well, viewing Leonard as a mammal, it's perfectly understandable...
Bernadette: But viewing him as your husband, he stinks.
Amy: And we hate him!

Leonard: Yes, Sheldon, they wanted me. I'm smart. I'm nice...
Sheldon: I'm smart. I'm nice. And I can eat cheese without clearing out a room.

Sheldon: Yeah, I'm taller than you and I don't have asthma. Those people are crazy!

--
On the IMDb

The Paintball Scattering

The Big Bang Theory 12×11

Sheldon: You know what I call this drink?
Penny: A waste of champagne?
Sheldon: No. A Dr. Cooper. Because...
Amy: He's also sweet and bubbly.

Sheldon: Ooh! That is PhD-licious.

Leonard: I'm surprised you're interested in some stranger's opinion.
Sheldon: Well, as I always say, a stranger's just a friend who hasn't complimented me yet.

President Siebert: Well, we're thinking a divide-and-conquer approach here, where you do the interviews, and Sheldon stays here and holds down the fort. You know... in case there's an emergency.
Sheldon: What kind of an emergency would there be in physics?
President Siebert: I don't know, maybe... there's an object in motion that won't stay in motion. Or a reaction that's equal but not opposite...

President Siebert: It's not that we don't want Sheldon to do the interviews, it's just that we really want you to do the interviews. Without Sheldon.

---

Stuart: I know you're joking... but my flight-or-flight response doesn't.
Denise: Isn't it fight-or-flight?
Stuart: Not for me.

Amy: I need you to be honest with me. How do I look?
Sheldon: ... A little shorter, but as we age that happens to all of us.

Raj: You ran out of there so fast, if it was a cartoon, there would have been a Stuart-shaped hole in the wall.

President Siebert: ...And that headline-- "The Neurobiologist Who Revolutionized Physics."
Sheldon: I'm sorry. The who who did what to-- huh?

Denise: Okay, um... Leonard.
Leonard: Yeah?...
Denise: No, I'm picking you.
Leonard: First? For a team? What is happening?

Amy: Why can't you just be proud of me?
Sheldon: I am proud of you!
Amy: Really? Because you sound jealous!
Sheldon: Well, I'm that, too! I've seen Inside Out. I know I can feel two things at once.

Stuart: Well, it's kind of hard to explain. Uh, you know when things are going great, but you worry that any minute you might screw everything up?
Penny: No.
Leonard: Yes.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb

The VCR Illumination

The Big Bang Theory 12×10

Sheldon: Nothing? Like what my career has come to? Thanks a lot!

Amy: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Eating, reading, watching television, listening to the radio. What does it look like I'm doing?

Amy: Is that asparagus? I thought you hate asparagus.
Sheldon: I thought so, too, but I also thought super-asymmetry was a good idea, so what else am I wrong about?
Amy: Oh, so now you're reevaluating every opinion you've ever had?
Sheldon: I am following the example of 17th century philosopher René Descartes. He subjected all his beliefs to radical doubt so that he could build a bedrock belief and build his cognitive life back up on firm principles.

Sheldon: I've always thought I hated jazz, maybe I was wrong. Maybe it's great to hear all the notes at once..... I'm trying, I'm really trying!

Penny: Have you tried making him a cup of tea?
Amy: He's reevaluated tea. Now he thinks it's nothing but leaf soup.

Amy: "Fine with flags"?

Amy: It is the emergency pep talk you made when you were a kid.
Sheldon: Oh, that... I was saving it for the day they stop making Star Wars movies. I don't think that's ever gonna happen.

Young Sheldon: Sheldon, never forget, no matter how bad things seem, you can al...

---

Amy: Is there anything I can do?
Sheldon: Yes! You can build me a time machine so I can go back and tell my younger self to give up, because nothing's gonna work out the way he wants!
Amy: .... I was thinking a nice cup of leaf soup...

Bernadette: I now present The Great Howdini!

Bernadette: Why didn't you say something earlier?
Howard: You seemed like you were so happy, and then when I tried to say something... you seemed like you were so mad.

Bernadette: Hey, this isn't about me. I just wanted you to have your dream, and I wanted to control everything about how you looked and acted so that your victory was mine.

George: We're not gonna quit... And if we do lose, you need to know that doesn't make you losers. You learn as much about who you are and what you're made of from failing as you do from success. Maybe more...

Sheldon: I've been acting like the game is over, but it's only halftime. And there's a lot more physics left to play.
Amy: Wow, was that your first ever sports metaphor?

Sheldon: Thanks, Dad. We're gonna give them hell.

--
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The Citation Negation

The Big Bang Theory 12×9

Sheldon: Perhaps we should divide and conquer. Now, you track down all the citations and properly note them in our bibliography, and I will roll up my sleeves and decide what font we want to use.
Amy: Sheldon, there are hundreds of citations to track down!
Sheldon: And thousands of fonts, but you don't hear me complaining.

Sheldon: I am not trusting our unpublished paper to some millennial. They'll put unicorn emojis on it and then post it on social media.
Amy: Why would they do that?
Sheldon: Economic anxiety, too much avocado toast, who cares?

Sheldon: He's your best friend in the whole world! Yes, but he's always struck me as the guy in the plane crash who doesn't wait until you're all the way dead to eat you.

Howard: I don't know if you'd like it. It's kind of for gamers.
Bernadette: Hey, I'm a gamer. I play Candy Crush, Bejeweled, and Sesame Street Letter School, which I beat our daughter at every single time.

Howard: This one's how you move, this is how you shoot. "A" jumps, "B" puts you into build mode.
Raj: And depending on what you want to build, you can use LB, RB, LT, or RT.
Bernadette: Just put me in, I'll figure it out.
Howard: Oh, sounds like me on our honeymoon.

Raj: Okay, you're skydiving down... You're almost to the ground... Now, when you land, you're gonna want... Okay, you're dead.
Bernadette: ... Wait, that's it? That wasn't fun at all!
Howard: Oh, now it sounds like you on our honeymoon.

---

Raj: I don't know, it's pretty creepy down here. Maybe we should stay together.
Leonard: Come on, Raj, it's just a library.
Raj: You could say that about anything. It's just a cemetery. It's just a haunted house. It's just a portal to hell.

Raj: It's like the movie Speed, but instead of a bus, it's your lungs. And instead of Sandra Bullock, it has sadness.

Raj: We don't need Howard. I've got Google Translate. Okay, here we go... from Russian to English... "Examinations of moose chowder in lemon parachutes." Yeah, okay, now I know why this app is free.

Howard: Okay. This paper is called "Examinations of a Super-Asymmetric Model of the Universe" by Dr. Vasily Gregora-poli-popivich.

Leonard: Oh, how are we gonna tell him?
Howard: That's easy. Just go up to him and say, "Sheldon... Raj has something to tell you."

Leonard: You guys are such cowards.
Howard: Yes! We are!

Bernadette: I was hoping Stuart could show me how to play Fortnite.
Denise: Mm, I can teach you.
Bernadette: Really, you good?
Denise: Look at my skin. I haven't been outside in six years.

Bernadette: You don't have to be snarky.
Denise: Hey, do you want to play the game, or do you want to crawl back up your mommy's shirt and chow down like a baby?

--
On the IMDb

The Consummation Deviation

The Big Bang Theory 12×8

Raj: Me, too.

Sheldon: Pumpkin? I've been calling her spaghetti squash. It's amazing that one woman can be different vegetables to different men.

Penny: You know, over time it got better.
Raj: S-So practice makes perfect?
Penny: Well, practice makes better.

Raj: Well, funny story...
Anu: The truth.
Raj: Oh, God, the truth is so not good for me!

Anu: Ugh. I hate telling people this... I don't like music.
Raj: What kind of music?
Anu: Just all of it. It sort of seems like a waste of time.

Sheldon: ...So the doctor prescribed Nizoral and it blocked enzyme action, and the fungus cleared right up.
Mrs. Fowler: That's a very disturbing picture.
Sheldon: Yes, well, they say a picture's worth a thousand words, but I say nothing beats a picture and a thousand words.

Sheldon: Oh, speaking of vegetables, how about I start calling you Old Lady Green Beans?

Amy: Uh, no time to talk about that now! All your action figures are on fire. Harrison Ford's in the lobby. Come quick!

Sheldon: I may have married the wrong Fowler...

--
On the IMDb
+ Vanity Card # 600A!

The Grant Allocation Derivation

The Big Bang Theory 12×7

Sheldon: Facts are my nails, and my voice is the hammer which pounds them through the wood of your skull.

Howard: Pretty cool, huh? And when our kids outgrow it, we can Airbnb it to other people's babies.

Howard: You can laugh at that one later, too.

Sheldon: All right, I've kept you in suspense long enough. "Dutch" is a bastardization of the word "Deutsch," meaning German.
Penny: What's German for "annoying"?
Sheldon: Nervig. Why do you ask?

Leonard: How do I decide who gets the money?
President Siebert: How do you decide anything? Think about it with your brain, and then say it with your mouth.

Leonard: That's a lot of responsibility.
President Siebert: Well, if I didn't think you were up to the task, you wouldn't have been fifth on my list.

Bernadette: Have you ever told Leonard a little white lie?
Penny: Mm. Well, he thinks I've seen every one of the Star Wars movies, but I've really only seen the one with the gold robot.
Bernadette: ... That could be any of them.
Penny: Exactly!

Bernadette: The minute I get home, I have two kids hanging on me, and sometimes I don't want babies pulling my hair and pinching my belly fat.
Penny: That'd be a good slogan for a condom company...

Raj: And you just pretend like you don't know?
Howard: Sure. That's how marriage works.

--
On the IMDb

The Imitation Perturbation

The Big Bang Theory 12×6

Sheldon: Halloween traditions of date back to the Celtic festival of Samhain. Although our current Halloween customs come from the evening before All Hallows' Day-- All Hallows' Eve-- thus, Halloween.

Sheldon: So you're not laughing at him. You're laughing at me.
Raj: We're not laughing at you. We're laughing with you.
Sheldon: But I'm not laughing.

Sheldon: They laughed, Amy. In a derisive way. Not in the instructive way I laugh at them when they're being stupid.

Penny: Trick or treat.
Leonard: No. Sorry, you're not wearing a costume.
Penny: Yeah, I am. I'm a pharmaceutical sales rep.

Bernadette: Now, if you'll excuse me, the prime minister of England needs her diaper changed!

Leonard: Oh, that's great. He's a Supreme Court justice, and you're the U.S. Constitution.
Anu: Yep. He interprets me. And guess what's underneath this?... The Bill of Tights.

Leonard: Are you agreeing just to shut me up?
Penny: You got another way? I'm all ears.

Bert: I don't get invited to a lot of parties. Is this a good one?

Sheldon: As you were eating that Danish, I wanted to point out that the Danish isn't Danish at all. It was imported by Austrian bakers during a labor dispute in the 1800s. But I chose not to, because I didn't want to be the kind of fella who foists unwanted facts about European pastries on the unwilling.

--
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The Planetarium Collision

The Big Bang Theory 12×5

Sheldon: Amy and I have been having so much fun collaborating together...
Penny: Well, you know what they say, you never collaborate as much as your first year of marriage.

Howard: I'm Howard Wolowitz. Engineer, husband, father... astronaut.

Sheldon: The fundamental problem with elementary quantum mechanical formalism is that the Fourier transform extends to minus infinity in time.
Penny: Hey, don't dumb this down for me.

Leonard: Sheldon, we've talked about this. You can't go around boring other people's wives.

Sheldon: ... Let me assure you, we will not engage in workplace coitus. If I won't put a bagel on my desk, I'm certainly not putting Amy's bare bottom.

Raj: I came here for your support.
Leonard: Well, then, you just walked up three flights of stairs for nothing.
Penny: Wait, don't you mean four flights?
Leonard: No, it's actually three.
Penny: But we're on the fourth floor. Leonard: I mean, you have the lobby, first floor, second, third, fourth.
Leonard: The lobby's the first floor, so lobby, second, third, fourth.
Penny: That does not seem right...

---

Siebert: Well, in order to free up personnel...
Sheldon: Hey, hey, don't go mansplaining things to her.
Amy: I don't think that's what he was doing.
Sheldon: Oh, then perhaps you don't understand. See, mansplaining is when a man explains things to a woman like she's stupid. Boop.

Bernadette: We do a little role-playing.
Penny: What role do you play?
Bernadette: I am Ykatarina Nazdorovya, lonely Russian cosmonaut who is expert at physics and making of love.

Bernadette: Kak horosho.

Raj: You people need to know how impressive this man is. He was up there because he's the only one qualified to install a piece of equipment that he designed.
Howard: Thanks, but if you want to talk impressive, this guy right here discovered a planetary object outside the Kuiper belt!
Raj: He worked on the Mars rover.
Howard: He helped launch the New Horizons space probe.
Raj: He went to space on a Russian rocket!
Howard: And I was scared the whole time.

Sheldon: Thank you for explaining and for using the word "subsume," that's one you don't hear enough.

--
On the IMDb