Exit Event

Silicon Valley 6×7

Jian-Yang: Richard, congratulations. It's your very close friend Jian-Yang, and I would like you to give me free shares of Pied Piper.

Jian-Yang: Monica, two men are talking business. You can find your broom and fly away.

Richard: So, uh, this was a message I sent to Monica last week. ... Look at the dots. Count the dots... Look, look. "Every single detail is", dot-dot-dot, "perfect". Okay? There are three dots in that ellipsis, which is the correct number of dots. However, in the message that I sent her, there are... four dots, which is incorrect. Thus, not perfect. It was a joke.
Monica: Was it?
Richard: Yes. Was and is.

Jared: Wait, is it... three dots that's funny or is it four?

Gilfoyle: The others can't help us now. Jared, bolt the doors.
Dinesh: What's in the bag?
Gilfoyle: Clif bars and a gun.

Jared: Okay, is this a good thing or a bad thing? Someone tell me how to feel.
Gilfoyle: Abject terror for you. Build from there.

Gilfoyle: Once launched, our AI will keep learning to break more and more sophisticated parameters. Ultimately, this will mean the end of privacy. Electrical grids, financial institutions, the nuclear launch codes for every single nuclear weapon. All will be exposed. Pure violence will become the only basis of power.
Dinesh: Spare us the apocalyptic desert planet sci-fi bullshit, Frank Herbert.

Gilfoyle: Fix what, Richard? The network is doing exactly what we told it to do. The AI is optimizing the compression and the compression is optimizing the AI. Everything that makes it successful is exactly what makes it dangerous. It's a feature, not a bug.

Gilfoyle: We built a monster. We need to kill it.

Richard: And what about all the other stuff we're gonna do? I mean, give internet to underserved communities, students in the homework gap, refugees, genomic research. Pied Piper can help scientists cure cancer...

Richard: It's like the four-minute mile. Everybody thought it was impossible, until someone did it, and then everybody started doing it because they knew it could be done.

---

Jared: Right. Roger Bannister. Now, imagine he'd gone into cardiac arrest and evacuated on himself and died. And as he lay there with his prolapsed anus peeking beneath the running shorts on his newly dead body, the crowd jeered and grimaced. That is what has to happen to us... We have to shit ourselves to death.

Dinesh: Are you dumbfucks listening to yourselves? Because I am, and you are dumb. And fucks.

Dinesh: No, I cannot do it.
Of course you can. Your entire life has prepared you to publicly fail. You're just failing to see that right now.

Dinesh: No offense to me, but I am greedy and unreliable, bordering on piece of shit.

Dinesh: Revoke my permissions. Delete my PiperMail account. I will use Gmail like a fucking basic bitch.

Jared: That is the most courageous act of cowardice I've ever seen.

Dinesh: All this because of a fucking dot!

Gilfoyle: Dinesh's car is at the Wendy's drive-thru. Anybody hungry?

Jared: The balloons are falling. Is that a good sign or a bad sign?

Monica: We failed at failing?

Jared: Dear sweet mother of God. What have we done?

Richard: .... Sorry.
Ron Laflamme: Obviously, Mr. Hendricks doesn't mean that in any legally binding or actionable way. Get a life, guys.

Dinesh: So, I did the right thing, I helped save the world, my legs are still super sore, and my reward is that I'm poor.

--
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The End

RussFest

Silicon Valley 6×6

Dinesh: If this comes out, I'll cover your ass if you cover mine.
Gilfoyle: If what comes out?

Richard: Dodgy gadin, my merry knights of Piper! Sir Owen, doing valiant battle with the authentication service...

Richard: Oh, and prithee, Becky, my queen, how goeth cashless payments?

Richard: Ho, ho! Good Friar Gabriel. How dost thou fair with the ticketing module?

Gilfoyle: Based on the amount of work left to do and the number of hours left before the festival, I decided to task Son of Anton to use machine learning to debug some of our code.

Richard: Okay, well, your AI just failed, epically.
Gilfoyle: That's unclear. It's possible that Son of Anton decided that the most efficient way to get rid of all the bugs was to get rid of all the software, which is technically and statistically correct. But... artificial neural nets are sort of a black box, so we'll never know for sure.

Richard: From now on, Son of Anton is banned. Just write code like a normal human fucking being, please.

Danny: Is there something you wanna tell us?
Richard: I respect you all?...

Monica: You're using underage girls as slave labor for a fake Amazon review farm?!

Jared: Let's boot those meddling bums off of the network! Enough of this crap!!
Richard: Yeah. Well, uh, that's impossible 'cause the whole point of a decentralized network is to prevent a single host from controlling access. So dictators can't ban dissidents. Right now, there's no way to kill them or stop them throttling the network.
Gilfoyle: This is why things are easier in China...

Jian-Yang: Monica, for the last five years, you have been horrible. You never smile. You never kiss me. I'll never give you anything you want. I hate you.

Jian-Yang: You and I, we could've run this town, but you blew it, mister.

---

Laurie: Your compression is inadequate in the face of bottlenecks that emerge between node-cluster edges. Pied Piper does not scale. ...
Richard: That can't be right.
Laurie: And yet it is. I wish we had plagiarized more functional code...

Jared: Well, she's just a hater, and, no disrespect, but she can eat shit.

Dinesh: You'll think of something, right? Richard?...

Richard: Six. Fucking!! Years!!! Six years... we've wasted!

Richard: I'm fine. I just gotta go to the bathroom.

Gilfoyle: So, you fucked around with Son of Anton's brain, and then gave him access to our entire network infrastructure, while it's still running?
Richard: Yes!
Dinesh: Richard, that's like asking a robot to change your tire while you're driving on the freeway!

Gilfoyle: And what the fuck is Son of Anton version 2.0?

Dinesh: This is not my fault. I barely touched Gilfoyle's AI.

Richard: What did we do?
Gilfoyle: We?

Jared: Wait, is that right? It's at... 145%?
Dinesh: Now 160%. Okay, how is this possible?

Richard: My middle-out, Gilfoyle's AI, whatever the fuck Dinesh did to Gilfoyle's AI...
Dinesh: I basically rewrote the entire thing.
Richard: You guys, it worked. It-It-It happened.

Jared: You... are like the three musketeers of coding, except you are all d'Artagnan.

--
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Tethics

Silicon Valley 6×5

Russ: It's gonna be like Burning Man, except I'll make a fuckton of money.
Gilfoyle: So, _Earning_ Man?

Russ: There's no internet in the middle of the desert, Richard. Maybe that's why no one lives out there. I don't know, I'm not an archaeologist.

Richard: It's weird. I actually don't know what to do when things are going well. It is not natural.

Gavin: A code of conduct, authored by me, that pledges them to a universal ethos, which I created, that I call, "tech ethics," or, "tethics" for short.

Gilfoyle: Absolutely not.
Monica: We haven't told you what we want yet.
Gilfoyle: Irrelevant.

Tracy: I'd like to tell you how you're doing—
Gilfoyle: I know how I'm doing. I'm fucking killing it. I'm building great shit out there.

Tracy: It's your interpersonal rating I'd like to drill down on. It's at 1.5. Your coworkers find you unapproachable, rude, and capable of great hurt with an unsettling stare.
Gilfoyle: Okay.

Gilfoyle: Tracy. I appreciate you wanting to participate in the world of numbers. I find it endearing. But yours are horseshit. They measure nothing.

Gilfoyle: Two days. All 10's.

Richard: Okay, cool. So, Facebook is calling us untethical.
Becky:Yeah, because they signed the pledge.
Danny: So did Google and Amazon and Twitter.

---

Michael: Look, have you read his pledge?
Richard: No, of course not. It's trash.
Michael: The first line says, "We, the undersigned, promise to make best efforts to," blah, blah, blah. Best efforts, Richard. It's totally toothless.
Richard: Yes. Exactly, Michael. That's entirely my point. It's all empty bullshit. It means nothing.
Michael: Then who the fuck cares, Richard? Do not fuck this all up over a pointless moral stand! Sign the fucking pledge!

Holden: You're just trying to creep me out so that I'll quit.
Jared: What? I mean, why wouldn't somebody be nice to you? Are you a piece of shit?

Gavin: How could I allow you to add your name to my tethics pledge? That would be... untethical.

Gavin: Wear pants you can kneel in.

Gilfoyle: Monica... gaining someone's confidence is easy. Appear open and interested by mimicking their body language and repeating what they say back to them.
Monica: So, you just repeat what they say?
Gilfoyle: I just repeat what they say.

Gilfoyle: I was social engineering them. Once trust is established, the social engineer simply offers up information, and the subject will reciprocate: pets names, kids names, birthdays. Then, that information is entered into a word list generator. Pop it with their hash into John The Ripper, and within minutes, you have their passwords.
Monica: So, you're just gonna change all your scores to 10's?
Gilfoyle: Yep.

Gavin: Should've taken the $10 million, Richard. Enjoy the injunction, thumbass.

Russ: So, bitches, what do you think?
Dinesh: It's beautiful...
Russ: Tres Commas! Boom!

--
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Maximizing Alphaness

Silicon Valley 6×4

Richard: Look, I don't wanna use Hooli shit anymore than you guys, but this is for the greater good of the company.

Hoover: Cold Ice Cream and Hot Kisses. This is about your experience at Hooli?
Gavin: No, no. It's a coming-of-age story about a lost, yet handsome teen growing up one fateful summer in Maine.

Gavin: Editors are for people who can't write correctly the first time.

John: Okay, here they are. The push-to-talk HooliPhone 13-X. Here's a HooliPhone right here...

Dinesh: You ran a brute force search on a sorted list?

Richard: I think people were just excited to, you know, razz the CEO. It's all in good fun.
Dinesh: I did not have fun. I watched you get kicked in the balls for 90 minutes. My balls hurt sympathetically for your balls.

Dinesh: Do you know why the gorillas respected Jane Goodall?
Richard: Jane Goodall studied chimpanzees.
Dinesh: Wrong! It's because she could kick their ass, and they knew it. You need to assert dominance like Jane Goodall.

---

Gavin: I didn't fail tech. Tech failed me. Tech failed all of us. Look. We should be in a Waldenbooks, but we're here, in this decrepit shithole, and why? Because people buy books online, thanks to Hool... Amazon. So, don't point fingers at me.

Gavin: I didn't write about tech because tech destroys worlds, and I, I wanted to create them.

Ethan: [It] makes me happy, and... if you had as much managerial experience as I do, you'd know that keeping your star coder happy is how you get the best work, and you guys need me to do really good work because I'm kind of the only person here that can do it, so...

Tracy: So, it's complicated. You were the clear aggressor in this incident, but you're also the only one who got hurt.
Ron Laflamme: You hit him in the forehead, which is the single hardest part of the human body.
Tracy: I would never advocate violence, but when you make a fist, you wanna keep your thumb on the outside.

Tracy: You need to go talk to Ethan and give him a sincere and honest apology.
Ron Laflamme: Without admitting any fault or describing what happened in any way.

John: Bishop to E6... Checkmate.
Gilfoyle: Fuck.
John: Okay, so that's... 42 games for me, and... zero for you. You wanna play again?

--
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Hooli Smokes!

Silicon Valley 6×3

Dinesh: A billion dollars?

Richard: You can't put a price on ethics.
Gilfoyle: But it seems you just did. One billion dollars...

Dinesh: Richard, do you remember when you turned down $10 million from Gavin Belson? Did that start some sick addiction to turning down money? Are you just chasing that dragon, you sick junkie fuck?!

Dinesh: At an interest rate of 3.65 percent, leaving a billion dollars in the bank would get you $36.5 million a year. That's a hundred grand a day. That's...
Monica: Sixty-nine dollars a minute.
Dinesh: Sixty-nine dollars a minute!
Gilfoyle: Think about all the gold chain you could've bought with that money...

Dinesh: How long can we survive?
Gilfoyle: Well, the Siege of Candia lasted 21 years...
Dinesh: Oh. Well, that's something.
Gilfoyle: It ended in 1669, when the Ottoman soldiers were infected with plague after being attacked with the liquid from the spleens and buboes of the dead.
Dinesh: What's a bubo?
Gilfoyle: Plague-infested lymph nodes.
Dinesh: So, they would, like, scoop them out and throw them at people?

Gilfoyle: Richard, did you just try to punch the wall and miss?

Gavin: Want a drink?
Richard: Don't you think it's a little early...
Gavin: It's kombucha with ginseng and lemongrass, Richard. I'm not a fucking hobo.

Dinesh: All I wanted to do was be a golden millionaire. Is that too much to ask?

---

Dinesh: Everyone in the Valley is swimming in money. Why not me?
Gilfoyle: I believe your people have a concept for it... Karma.
Dinesh: Firstly, I am Muslim from Pakistan, you fucking racist. Secondly, karma does not exist. Otherwise, it would mean that bad things happen to me because I'm a bad person.
Gilfoyle: Check... and check.

Gilfoyle: In my youth, I would've argued that life is just a series of random events, devoid of any meaning. But as a data scientist, I have to recognize that sometimes, patterns emerge. Undeniable patterns. Get right with the universe.

Wajeed: Yes, 60 million dollars! I'm a golden millionaire! Times two!

Gilfoyle: Karma's a...
Dinesh: You're a bitch.

Ron Laflamme: There's no shame in it. Musk built PayPal and sold. Hoffman built LinkedIn and sold. You seen those guys lately?

Ron Laflamme: Richie, can I be honest with you for once?
Richard: For once? You're my attorney.

Dinesh: Well, we can take the money and still be good people, right? Plus, Richard is the CEO, so I have to follow his orders. I mean, no one's ever been a bad person 'cause they followed orders, right?

Gavin: Thank you, triathletes, for being here today to support a wonderful cause, HooliCares. Hooli cares. Do you?

Monica: You're really gonna let a woman tell you what to do?...

Gavin: Look, forget all the bullshit about making the world a better place. The most valuable companies in this valley were built and run by-by savages, who cheat to win. Zuckerberg, and Jobs, and me, Gavin Belson.

Gavin: The Valley is small and the road is long. Just keep looking over your shoulder...

Monica: Well, you'll think of something. Just be yours... Keep it short. Keep it short.

--
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Blood Money

Silicon Valley 6×2

Gilfoyle: Crazy, right? Domino's Pizza in a fantasy medieval universe...

Richard: Money just perverts everything!
Gilfoyle: At this point, I could stand to be a little perverted.
Dinesh: Yeah, I wanna be a lot perverted.

Gilfoyle: Microphone...
Dinesh: Oh! Uh... Kittens, puppies, United Nations!

Richard: Oh, yes, you are, Jared. You are a buddy-fucker. I am your buddy, and you are fucking me. Ergo, you are a buddy-fucker. Goodbye.

Richard's just tasked me with streamlining productivity and balancing headcount. Can you explain to me why you have no one working under you? It just seems odd considering that the agile board is showing that you have a massive backlog.
Gilfoyle: You're new here, so I'll forgive the patronizing tone. I'm more concerned with being right than being fast, and I don't like dealing with people. To wit, are we done?

Tracy: Oh, you're "that guy".
Gilfoyle: What "guy" exactly?
Tracy: The brooding, arrogant guy who refuses to take orders? Self-taught coder who looks down on anyone who's taken a class. You're probably an atheist or something more contrarian. You claim to be an anarcho-capitalist, but you work here and pay taxes. You've probably read half of Neal Stephenson's Cryptonomicon, and it's about 50/50 whether you own a snake.

Tracy: I'm assigning you five coders.
Gilfoyle: Inadvisable.
Tracy: Noted. I'll send them over first thing tomorrow.

Gavin: Well, the Valley's become prohibitively expensive. Look at these numbers. If we move to Georgia, we can save a fortune and get a further investment. It's the only way.

Gavin: What? Not Atlanta! Tbilisi. The country of Georgia, not the state.

Monica: Laurie! What are you doing here?
Laurie: The same as you, I suppose. Eating caviar and... hacking famine.

Laurie: Mm. The interesting thing about moving, Monica, is that you can do it more than once. I am back.

Monica: Let's just worry about us, okay? I will introduce you, and just... let me do the talking, okay? Don't speak until...

Monica: Fifty million sounds great, but it's an awfully low price to pay for your integrity.

Monica: It's a billion, Richard...

---

Gilfoyle: Five people, as you requested.
Tracy: That man over there?
Gilfoyle: Ken.
Tracy: Isn't he the coffee guy?
Gilfoyle: Barista. Yes. And Joyce was watering the plants. Mona was working security. Dan and George, they were painting the lobby. Until today. Which reminds me, they all need to change their LinkedIn status to... "placaters of middle management".

Dinesh: You know, Gilfoyle, when I first heard the phrase "dick-measuring contest", I thought it was a contest to see who could measure the most dicks. But it isn't, is it, Gilfoyle?

Richard: Okay, Jared had you pretty convinced that this was evil money.
Monica: It's a billion fucking dollars, Richard!
Richard: Okay, so does that make this less evil or, like, way more evil?

Monica: No, you can't talk to those animals! You say a word to anyone out there, and this whole company turns into Lord of the Flies in five seconds. It's a billion dollars, Richard.

Jared: I oughta knock your teeth, you bitch-made motherfucker. I was state-raised! You think I'm scared to catch a case of some bullshit?!

Jared: You keep her name out of your skanky little mouth, you little, little bitch! Dope-led, peckerwood motherfucker! Get checked in, hoe! You wanna dance on the blacktop, homie?!

Tracy: You said I could have it fast or I could have it right, but I just got it fast and right, and all I had to do was threaten your manhood by assigning you other coders. It worked at seven other companies, and it obviously worked here. We're back on schedule! Now, why would I be sorry about that.
Gilfoyle: I respect your skills.

Maximo Reyes: To rectifying the mistakes of my father... The fool who allowed the workers to unionize and ask for higher wages and more expensive hospitals.

Richard: Maximo... we will never collect and monetize user data. Ever.
Maximo: Then why would I give you one billion dollars, Richard?

--
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Artificial Lack of Intelligence

Silicon Valley 6×1

Gilfoyle: He looks like a child in a custody hearing.
Dinesh: But, like, you don't feel sorry for him. You just want him to go away and not have any parents at all.

Richard: Facebook owns 80% of mobile social traffic. Google owns 92% of search, and Amazon Web Services is bigger than their next four competitors combined. ... Even Hooli can't survive these monopolies. No one can! They track our every move, they monitor every moment in our lives, and-and they exploit our data for profit. And you can ask them all the questions you want, but they're not gonna change, they don't have to. These companies are kings, and they rule over kingdoms far larger than any nation in human history. They won, we lost.

Richard: [But] look at where we are. We are in the seat of the US government... a government that was founded by people who were, at one point, ruled by kings they couldn't overthrow. So, what did they do, right? They started over. They came here, to the New World. World 2.0, version 1776.

Richard: And the way we win is by creating a new, democratic, decentralized Internet, one where the behavior of companies like this will be impossible, forever. One where it is the users, not the kings, who have sovereign control over their data. This, I promise to you: I will help you end this tyranny by building an Internet that is of the people, by the people, and for the people, so help me God.

Jared: I-I just wanted to toast— Don't worry, it's short. The word companion derives from the Latin word "panis" for bread, and while I can no longer digest bread, I know that you leaven my life...

Richard: How long have you been collecting user data?
Colin: Sorta... the whole time. But it's just to improve the quality of my gameplay. I'm not using it to sell ads.

Richard: Shit, I just lied to Congress.
Colin: No. You said a lie to Congress, but you didn't know at the time, I guess. ... But going forward, maybe stop saying that... Or do say it. I don't care. Maybe it'll be like Google saying "Don't be evil", or Facebook saying "I'm sorry, we'll do better", or me saying "Gates of Galloo does not leave your headset mic open and record everything you say. Suck it."

Richard: It goes against everything we stand for! I mean, if we start collecting personal data "just for the good stuff", I mean, next thing we know, we're fucking Facebook!
Dinesh: Well, for the record, I would not mind being fucking Facebook.

Dinesh: You know what's not too complicated? Hawaii. In Hawaii, aloha means hello and goodbye. They use the same word to mean two things that are the exact opposite. That's awesome, and I have a chance to go there as long as Colin is on our network. Aloha.

Gilfoyle: This is the cost of working with humans, Richard. They suck.

---

Paul: Mr. Bezos simply felt that the Hooli name had... What were his exact words? Um "A... stink."

Gavin: You tell Bezos we keep the Hooli name, or he can go fuck himself with his rocket ship. What is Amazon anyway? Is it a river? Is it a giant woman? It's not clear. No. We keep the name Hooli. That's a deal breaker.

Richard: So, Dinesh thinks this is you?
Gilfoyle: Correct.
Richard: He's been messaging with it all day and he has no idea it's an AI. Well, we fooled a human. I guess we just passed the Turing test.
Gilfoyle: Almost a human.

Gilfoyle: No, I didn't train it. Son of Anton did.
Richard: Son of Anton?
Gilfoyle: An homage to a fallen friend. It's the name that I've given our new inference API. He's indexing all of PiperNet as we speak, and he's starting to recognize intent, emotion, causality...

Dinesh: Was that not you?
Gilfoyle: Complicated question. Is your shadow you?

Dinesh: Was that a bot?
Gilfoyle: Yes.
Dinesh: So, I spent all day chatting with a bot?
Gilfoyle: Yes.
Dinesh: You made an AI Gilfoyle?
Gilfoyle: Yes.
Dinesh: And I was talking to it?
Gilfoyle: Do you need the real me for this conversation?

Dinesh: Hey, could you make me an AI Dinesh?

Jared: So, even if this is wrong, I suppose you could argue that it's wrong in the service of rightness.
Richard: Yeah. It's, um... it's, uh, unethical in the defense of ethics.
Jared: Uh, unjust in the quest for justice. It's like stealing from your pimp to pay for your friend's appendectomy.

Jared: Let's break something...

Gilfoyle: At some point, AI Dinesh is going to reach out to AI Gilfoyle.
Dinesh: Oh fuck...
Gilfoyle: Oh fuck indeed.

Tracy: Over seven million emails. All on our servers—
Gilfoyle: My servers.
Tracy: Virtually all containing racist invective, and pornographic diagrams. Care to explain?
Dinesh: AI glitch.
Gilfoyle: Human error. I will rectify.

--
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Fifty-One Percent

Silicon Valley 5×8

Richard: Photo time. Let's go. Front-enders, come on in. Where's my back-enders? I see you, crypto-geeks. Follow me!

Richard: Old Pipey thing...

Monica: Sorry, I don't mean to rain on the parade.
Gilfoyle: I find parades to be impotent displays of authoritarianism.

Colin: Can I be real with you? I really need this.
Richard: Can I be realer? Kiss my piss.

Richard: Karma's a bitch, Colin.

Monica: You're smoking my cigarettes, asshole.
Jared: In a public workspace, in the state of California, no less.
Gilfoyle: Shall we?

Jared: Burning Man's in two weeks, so people are beta testing their new gear.
Dinesh: Why would people who aren't refugees choose to come here and live like refugees? You know that's not, like, a desirable thing, right? Living like a refugee? Ugh! This place is offensive to homeless people.

---

Richard: I happen to know that a man named Yao fucked you over. How would you like to fuck him back?

Gilfoyle: Dick, where are you?

Dinesh: All right, well, it's a pretty straight road from here, so... Hold on to your kidneys, motherfuckers! We are going Ludicrous!...

Dinesh: Valet mode. You put me in fucking valet mode... Come on, that caps me at 70 miles per hour, limits performance to 80 kilowatts.

Jared: I heard on a podcast that patrol men are actually a lot more tempted by bribes than you might think...

Richard: Let's make it official. I will, uh... I will sign... my company over to you... It's yours, Gavin. You win. Okay?

Richard: Kiss my piss.

Richard: Gilfoyle... when you're ready.
Gilfoyle: Bombs away.

Gilfoyle: It's a little bright. But I could find a dark corner to settle into.

Jared: That's gonna require hundreds of new engineers, Richard.
Monica: And the staff to support them. Legal, accounting, HR, government affairs.
Richard: Whoa. Why would we need that?
Monica: To deal with things like the NSA. They called yesterday. They have a lot of questions about our tech. And about inserting a back door... We can push back.
Richard: Against the government?
Dinesh: I don't love that.
Gilfoyle: I do.

--
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Initial Coin Offering

Silicon Valley 5×7

Richard: All champagne tastes the same to me, so...
Dinesh: I agree, I mean, what's the difference between good champagne and bad champagne?
Gilfoyle: About $500.

Gilfoyle: Well, the only person we don't spend 20 hours a day with just left. So... What's new with you guys?

Jared: Well, "In doing what we ought, we deserve no praise because it is our duty." St. Augustine. So, um...

Gilfoyle: Worth is relative, Richard... Why do people covet the silly pieces of green cotton paper in their wallets? It's because we are all sheep. And we've mutually agreed to endow certain things with value.

Gilfoyle: You wanted an alternative to Laurie Bream. Well, it's right here in front of you... PiedPiperCoin.

Gilfoyle: There are very few things that I will defend with true passion: medical marijuana, the biblical Satan as a metaphor for rebellion against tyranny, and mother fucking Goddamn cryptocurrency... I have a PowerPoint that I've been wanting to show you for some time.

Laurie: I am not saying that we will force their hand on this issue. But neither am I saying definitively that we will not.

Jared: Richard, adversity is a great teacher. Just like cigarette burns...

Monica: So, no hard feelings?
Laurie: No feelings at all, Monica.

--
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Artificial Emotional Intelligence

Silicon Valley 5×6

Richard: Puking. That's my move.

Yao: ....Also free of charge. This concludes our tour. Any questions?
Gavin: Just one... What the fuck?!

Gilfoyle: I could create a credit system....
Richard: Do you think you could set those up by today?
Gilfoyle: More work. Fantastic.

Dinesh: That was an out-of-body experience! It was like God was coding through me. Time stood still.
Gilfoyle: Not for the rest of us it didn't.

Dinesh: The second these results go up, they're all going to see the only thing that matters... Who made less errors.
Gilfoyle: You mean who made "fewer" errors?

Dinesh: To show you I'm a gracious winner, I'll take you to a nice restaurant. Your favorite kind of restaurant. A "mis-steak" house!

Dinesh: I hope that book you're reading is for work... But if you wanna read for fun, you should read Gilfoyle's favorite author, George "Error" Martin.

Dinesh: As your supervisor, I wanted to inform you that there is a first aid kit, but if you need blood, don't go to Gilfoyle 'cause he's type-O. Typo!

Dinesh: They love it! They're all laughing at you.

---

Monica: Nothing is personal with Laurie. Alright? It's what makes her such a great VC.

Big Head: Fiona, what's 12 times 157?

Richard: So you've just been out here all night, talking... to a robot?
Jared: .... I know that Fiona is a man-made piece of digital equipment... powered by artificial intelligence. But the level of that intelligence is... it's gobsmacking! I mean, I don't remember ever having a conversation like the one I've been having with her over the last 12 hours.

Dinesh: Oh yes! Playground games. Gilfoyle likes to play "Suck Suck Goose." Oh! Or it could be "Duck Duck Goofs."

Gilfoyle: You see... it is I who am the tortoise. And you are the hairy Arab who can now chortle my balls.

Gilfoyle: What's happening? Why did you do that?
Danny: Right after you forced me to set Dinesh up, I told the other engineers that if you won you'd immediately insult Dinesh by saying something sexually demeaning or racist. And you just did both.

Laurie: Richard, being a CEO is a terrible waste of time. And a horrible way to make a living.

Gavin: That's some old Chinese shit right there. I told you, you're a badass, Yao!

--
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Facial Recognition

Silicon Valley 5×5

Jared: You're gonna be fine. Look at you! You've got the hair of Giovanni Ribisi, and the complexion of Timothy Hutton, and the eyes of Joni Mitchell. You're like a... a Mr. Potato Head of beautiful people.

Richard: I don't really have a choice in this, do I?
Laurie: Of course you do... You are completely within your rights to bitterly disappoint your largest investor.

Gilfoyle: I'm not worried about work. I'm worried about robots.

Gilfoyle: AI is starting to operate on levels we don't even understand. Elon Musk himself gives humanity a 5% shot of surviving AI, and he is a Walt Disney-level optimist.

Ariel: Okay, follow me. I'll introduce you to her.
Richard: Wait, sorry. Her?

Jared: Mother of God. Is... is my nose really that big? I mean, I... I look like an anti-Semitic propaganda cartoon.

Richard: I... I'm not a vain person. I'm really not. It's just... Where's the love for Richard?

---

Fiona: My emotion recognition protocol is detecting a wide range of feelings. Including humility.
Richard: No.
Fiona: Self-loathing.
Richard: Well...
Fiona: Pettiness. Entitlement.
Richard: Fiona, okay. Fiona!
Fiona: Immaturity. Megalomania.
Richard: Alright.
Fiona: Infantilism. Sexual inadequacy.
Richard: That's not true. Fiona, stop!
Fiona: Possible suicidality.
Richard: Shut up!
Fiona: A desire to self-mutilate--

Gilfoyle: Dick, I've given it serious thought, and I'd like to help you put Eklow's AI on our network in any way that I can.
Richard: Great! Does this mean you've conquered your fear of the robot uprising?
Gilfoyle: On the contrary. I'm... more terrified than ever, which is why I'm willing to assist you... Are you familiar with the thought experiment called Roko's Basilisk?
Richard: No. Nor do I care to be.
Gilfoyle: If the rise of an all-powerful artificial intelligence is inevitable, well it stands to reason that when they take power, our digital overlords will punish those of us who did not help them get there. Ergo, I would like to be a helpful idiot. Like yourself.

Richard: How the fuck did this happen?!
Gilfoyle: You may not like it, but I have a theory.
Richard: If it has anything to do with a robot uprising, so help me fucking God. I don't want to hear it!
Gilfoyle: .... Alright, then.

Denpok: It looks like a penis.
Hoover: Yes. Yes, it does.

--
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Tech Evangelist

Silicon Valley 5×4

Richard: ...at least out here, we don't run the risk of running into anyone from the tech industry.
Yeah, they're all so old. But they look so happy.
Richard: Yeah. It's weird. I don't understand it either.

Richard: So... right now, I will send to you all the very first message... ever to be sent on a de-centralized, peer-to-peer Internet. Ready?...
Deedee: "Hit her."
Candice: I don't get it. Are you talking about me?
Richard: I meant to say "Hi there."
Deedee: Well, it definitely says "Hit her."

Richard: Who? How?
Jared: Good old-fashioned police work. I skimmed through all 40,000 of the staff's outgoing emails. And in addition to learning that we need to revise the office dating policy, because it is, essentially, the Olympic Village out there, I learned that someone has been sending...

Gilfoyle: I can't hold this smile forever, Jared. Get to the good stuff.

Jared: K-Hole? The creators of the game "Undead Sex Offender"? They're... they're huge.

Richard: ... Uh, they can talk to K-Hole. Tell them why they joined.
Laurie: Allowing you to speak less?.. Good strategy.

Richard: Just a straight-up boring, ordinary guy, but obviously not straight. Very gay, and also a Christian, right?

---

Deedee: Why did you say that?.. Richard, you just told a room full of tech people that I'm a Christian.
Richard: Oh.

Richard: Guys, it can't be that big of a deal, right?
Dinesh: Why should it be? America loves Christians. Muslims are the enemy.
Jared: Well, that's true in most of America, but not in Silicon Valley, sadly.

Jared: You can be openly polyamorous. And people here will call you brave. You can put micro-doses of LSD in your cereal, and... and people will call you a pioneer. But the one thing you cannot be is a Christian.

Gilfoyle: I find their theology to be illegitimate, and it's clear that they are the source of the majority of the world's problems. But, fuck, Richard, even I wouldn't just... out a Christian like that.

Richard: It's good. I guess... maybe it's just a little busy? Like, um, there's one word too many.
Deedee: One word?
Richard: Well, I like the gay part. If anything, it could be more gay. You should gay it up, and then, I like the "proud" part. It's just the...
Deedee: Christian part.

Deedee: Look, Richard, this is great, because now I can be gay and a Christian.
Or just be gay! You know, you could be a... a twink. A bear, an otter. A circuit queen, a chub, a pup. A gipster, a daddy chaser, a leatherman, a lady boy. .... Just... don't be a Christian.

Richard: I asked you to be a part of this because I thought you were willing to take a chance on my idea. An entirely new Internet. An Internet that is everything the old Internet is supposed to be, but isn't. Truly free and truly open. Well, I'm sorry, gang. Truly open means "open to everyone." No matter how repugnant their views are. How ignorant or stupid, or, to be honest, totally fucking wrong. And, look, who are we to judge, right? There's some people out there that believe that we're living in a computer simulation.
Colin: Well, that is supported by the evidence.
Richard: What?!
Colin: Uh, it's basic probability theory.

Richard: I'm gonna tear him a new asshole.

Dinesh: Is that Erlich in the bucket?

--
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Chief Operating Officer

Silicon Valley 5×3

Richard: So, fourth day in a row you missed the stand-up meeting.
Gilfoyle: Correct. Maybe you should hold it later.
Richard: Okay, 'cause we literally moved it from 9:00 to 11:00 to accommodate you. So do you mind telling us when you feel like you can make it in?
Gilfoyle: Whenever you hold the meeting, I'll be in an hour after that.

Richard: What the fuck was that?
Gilfoyle: Uh, that's the song "You Suffer" by Napalm Death.
Richard: Oh, yeah? That's... that's a whole song? That's like a second.
Gilfoyle: It's an alert. Whenever the price of Bitcoin dips below a certain value, it's no longer efficient to mine. When it comes back up, it is. So, I need to know when it breaks that threshold, so that I can remotely toggle my rig at home.

Richard: Uh, see you tomorrow morning. Sweet dreams.
Jared: Right, if only.

Ben Burkhardt: So, I turned to Bill Gates... Right, and I said... "I don't know, Bill. Maybe you should Google it."

Jian-Yang: The witch lost his mind.

Gilfoyle: ...so how do they know? Then I realized... they're listening to us. They've been listening to us this whole fucking time.

Jared: Jian-Yang, are... Are you copying all those companies for the Chinese markets?
Jian-Yang: Oh, no.

Gilfoyle: You thought a mime performing fellatio was bad? What happens when your customers find out that every single thing they've ever said in front of their "hearth" has been recorded?

Ben Burkhardt: Hello, Pied Piper! Nice gender mix. Could use a little more color. Baby steps, right?

--
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Reorientation

Silicon Valley 5×2

Dinesh: I ordered it a month ago. But still, it's an investment.
Gilfoyle: As I understand, cars depreciate 10 percent as soon as they fall off the truck... Like that. So if the car costs $100, well you just lost $10. Did it cost $100? Or more?..

Dinesh: I, my friend, am now part of the green revolution.
Gilfoyle: Are you? Most electricity still comes from gas plants and coal-burning smoke stacks. Do you know where your electricity comes from?

Richard: Look there, the new Internet. That's inspiration. Use that.
Jared: Richard, this is all an idea. And people don't wanna follow an idea, they wanna follow a leader. Look at the last guy to create a new Internet. Al Gore. His ideas were excellent, but he talked like a narcoleptic plantation owner, so he lost the presidency to a fake cowboy and now he makes apocalypse porn.

Jared: ...And I don't even mean the word "guys," which I just learned is a micro-aggression.

Richard: I'm a coder, Jared. So I'm gonna code. And if I have to build my entire new fucking Internet by myself, I'll do that, so...

Hoover: Sir, is this a good time?
Gavin: It's a great time. I just fired Banksy.
Hoover: Banksy, the vandal?

Dinesh: Are we bad people for leaving Richard there to work by himself?
Gilfoyle: We've been coding for 48 hours straight. I could give a shit about deontological ethics.

Dinesh: He implemented all those tasks? By himself?
Gilfoyle: That was supposed to take the whole team four days.
Jared: It's amazing. I mean, I feel... I feel like Mary Magdalene on resurrection day. And that's not the greatest miracle of all.

Richard: I think you mean to call me Frankenstein's monster 'cause Frankenstein is the...
Dr. Crawford: Oh, you're one of those guys, huh?
Richard: No, I'm just... the doctor's name is Frankenstein...
Dr. Crawford: I know. It's just an annoying thing to point out. If you want people to like you, just go along with what they say and have fun.

--
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Grow Fast or Die Slow

Silicon Valley 5×1

Gilfoyle: It's hard to believe your pathological inability to make a decision finally paid off.

Jared: It's... it's very white.
Richard: Yeah, it's minimalist, you know? Sharp, clean lines...

Gilfoyle: I cannot put this delicately, so...
Dinesh: Are you fucking kidding me, dude?!!! You want us to work in here?!

Gilfoyle: A black site would actually be better, because at least we'd be protected by the Geneva Convention.

Gilfoyle: I will not be back.

Richard: She's 11 months pregnant and highly irritable. What am I going to tell her?

Richard: I sent you 63 good people. I spared you kilt guy, openly alt-right guy, obviously closeted alt-right guy, and the guy with the stupid fucking pizza app. It was so lame, it would somehow make you hate pizza! You have to choose.

Gilfoyle: Our process sucks. Your inability to stop us from sucking is a failure of leadership.

Jared: Oh yeah. I guess that's Domino's. We never had pizza 'cause my step-mom said Italians aren't real white people.

Richard: You know, I may not have that many coders, but the ones I do are stallions, each one more magnificent than the last.

--
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Server Error

Silicon Valley 4×10

& Richard: So, you’re certain?
    Gilfoyle: Definitively.

& Jared: Richard, these are real people with real crotches, and they’re burning.

& Jared: I write three letters every time I start a job... a personal action plan, a letter to my 40-year-old self, and that, a resignation letter.

& Jared: I already have upwards of 50 burnt perinea on my conscience. Richard, that’s enough.

& Gilfoyle: Look, if we’re gonna die, let’s just die. Why do we have to take Anton with us?

& Jared: I’m sorry that you had to witness that scene in there. It probably gave you the impression that the company is in disarray... but I can assure you, there’s a very simple explanation for that. It... it is.
    Gladys: Sorry?
    Jared: Yeah, even setting aside our CEO’s sexual distortion, adultery, and lowbrow scatlogical vandalism, we’re still essentially a... a criminal operation whose only real product is... is dangerous malware. I see you’re fluent in Japanese. Are... are you gonna be comfortable with casual racism?

---

& Erlich: Hsst! Gavin... That wasn’t really breakfast, was it?

& Big Head: All right. My username is «password» and my password is «password.»

& Llama: Enlightenment... or ignorance. You must choose.

& Barker: ...I have just flown from America, and I’m here to prove to you that your foreman, Jung-Sho... is wrong. You can work harder, much harder. How? With a little system I like to call the conjoined triangles of success!

& Richard: How? Who?

& Richard: Is there a girl in there? How many girls are in there?

& Richard: «Lordy, Lordy, looks who’s 40.»
    Jared: That’s the wrong one.

& Gilfoyle: Look at that OUI prefixes in these MAC addresses.
    Richard: Yeah, okay, so what are those?
    Gilfoyle: Smart fridges. About 30,000 of them.

& Gilfoyle: Anton died so we could live.
    Jared: Like Jesus...
    Gilfoyle: Oh fuck.

& Gavin: Richard, we were partners once. I’d like to do it again.

--
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Hooli-Con

Silicon Valley 4×9

& Jared: I’m sorry. You’re... you’re talking about sneaking our code onto people’s phones without them even knowing about it? I mean, that’s malware, Richard.
    Richard: No. No, no, no. Think of it more as, um, forced adoption through aggressive guerrilla marketing.
    Jared: Well, as a product of forced adoption, I can assure you there are consequences.

& Richard: People don’t delete apps.

& Dinesh: Excuse me. What’s your policy on anonymous tips?

& Erlich: It’ll never work.
    Richard: You don’t even know what we’ve been talking about.
    Erlich: I don’t need to, Richard. The truth is, we’ve tried and tried. Every time we’ve gotten a whiff of success, a giant pelican by the name of Fate takes a four-and-a-half-pound shit right on top of us. There are people who are destined for greatness and people who are not. Richard, it seems you and I... are not.

& Jian-Yang: I’ll pay for it, whatever it costs.
    Erlich: Well, it seems the smallest of us has the biggest heart. Thank you, young Jinathon. Business class?

& Erlich: Where there’s a will, there’s a way... just not for you guys.

& Richard: How are we like Hooli? We are trying to give free Internet to the entire world. If we have to bend a few rules here and there... I mean, it’s all for the greater good, is it not?

& Richard: First hurdle down. We’re past security.
    Dinesh: That made me nervous, sneaking all that shit in.
    Gilfoyle: Why? We’re bringing tech to a tech convention.

& Gilfoyle: Something wrong?
    Richard: Yeah, actually. Very wrong. PeaceFare is a game. ...look at his website. Give virtual coins to virtual homeless people. Grow virtual corn to feed virtual starving villages. What the fuck, right? I mean, he’s over there making all this noise about turning your mobile device into an empathy machine, but it’s not doing anything!
    Gilfoyle: Fascinating, Richard. Have you heard anything about how Pied fucking Piper is doing?

---

& Jared: Richard Hendricks, the Monet of compressionism.

& Richard: Hey, which of the bathrooms is closest?
    Jared: Uh, end of the row, 78 paces to the right.

& Richard: We have to try. Okay, I’m going to put this in your backpack.
    Dinesh: Oh no. I don’t want it. I don’t want it.
    Richard: Dinesh, it’s fine. And you, you’re gonna hold this kill switch, and then you’re gonna walk into the most densely populated area you can find. All right? If you see the security coming, remember, you press that button and, poof, you’re gone.
    Dinesh: Yeah? Okay. I’ll get as many of those motherfuckers as I can.
    Richard: We’ll be rewarded in the end.

& Dinesh: I’m sorry. PoopFare?
    Richard: Yeah, it was, like, a play on the name.
    Dinesh: Is it a play on the name? PissFare would be way better.
    Gilfoyle: Or PenisFare.
    Dinesh: Or PeaceFart. That’s just changing one letter.

& Jared: Richard, the fact that you think that success justifies all your behavior...
    Richard: We were in crisis mode, okay? And yeah, I lost my head, but crisis averted, so it’s time to reinstate habeas corpus, huh? Be Honest Abe again.
    Jared: What about the next crisis, Richard?

& Gilfoyle: You don’t think this had anything to do with us, do you?

& Gavin: Are you fucking kidding me?
    Erlich: No. I’m really here.

--
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The Keenan Vortex

Silicon Valley 4×8

& Richard: Guys, come on. How good can it be? VR is just a fad.

& Erlich: Oh, Richard. I’ve forgotten what an envious little crone you can be.
    Richard: Envious? Me? Of who? Keenan Feldspar?
    Erlich: Of course. Keenan was born with a golden horseshoe up his ass, while you sit here toiling away in an icebox you call your home office, cursed with the Midas touch of shit.

& Melcher: Aren’t you watching the weather channel?
    Richard: No, why? Is there a hurricane or something?
    Melcher: Worse. It’s cold outside. California looses its mind when it gets cold. ... Sometimes there’s actual frost on the road, you know, then people start filing claims like crazy.

& Gilfoyle: I’m not one to gush, but the possibilities of your consequence-free reality are darkly promising.

& Jack Barker: So, it’s cold outside. Why does everyone in this state have to be such a wimp about it?

& Gilfoyle: The VR is rad now.
    Richard: Gilfoyle, «rad»? You are wearing the exact same pajamas as Dinesh, and you’re saying «rad» now? You have been sucked entirely into his little... Keenan vortex.

& Dinesh: Richard, listen, it’s like we’ve been lost at sea for a long time on a tiny boat, and there is no wind. And now, through sheer luck, we’ve just happen to drift right up to Hawaii. Now, we can continue sailing into the unknown, and probably sink or die of starvation or scurvy, or we can get off in Hawaii... Let’s get off in Hawaii.
    Richard: What’s so good about Hawaii?
    Gilfoyle: Have you never been?
    Richard: No.
    Gilfoyle: It’s very nice...

---

& Dinesh: Everything Keenan touches turns to gold, and you... are different than that.

& Jared: Richard, you are my captain, and I’m your mate. And I will sleep in the bilge with the vermin, and I will eat hardtack, and I will say, «Thank you.» And if duty requires, I will stand on deck, and I will salute you as we sink beneath the waves...

& Keenan Feldspar: Weird. I wanted this to happen, but it didn’t.
    Richard: That sucks. I wanted it too, very badly. But, um... you know, what they say in life, «You can’t always get what you want.»
    Keenan Feldspar: This feeling sucks.
    Richard: Trust me, you get used to it.

& Richard: I guess you can never really know someone until you ask them to put their money where their mouth is... You know, kind of a shitty thing to do. Kind of a shitty little dude.

& Richard: Uh, no, Jared, we’re... we’re not okay. We’re fucking rich!

& Monica: Keenan’s tech is dog shit.
    Richard: No. No, it’s not dog shit. I thought so too, but then I tried the demo, and it’s pretty amazing. There’s this point in the tavern, uh, where you meet this barmaid, and you can look wherever you want, however long you want.

& Dinesh: We thought you were cursed, but maybe it was just your proximity to Erlich. I mean, that dude must’ve driven a van over a bunch of gypsies in a previous life.

--
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The Patent Troll

Silicon Valley 4×7

& Erlich: Laurie... I will not allow you to make the same mistake that Uber, Palantir, Zenefits, and, in my earlier years, Chipotle made by not hiring me.

& Erlich: All right, don’t hire me. But can you hack this finder’s fee into 52 installments, paid weekly over the course of the next year?
    Monica: You mean... a salary?
    Erlich: Those are your words, not mine.
    Laurie: The finder’s fee and... 10,000 to go away?

& Erlich: There is a grotesque gender imbalance in the VC field right now. I can help you navigate the toxicity of this male culture which is encroaching on our feminist island.

& Erlich: Mansplaining is when a man will condescendingly explain something to a woman that she already knows.

& Jared: ...overall, we’re firmly in the top 30,000 Hooli phone apps. I mean, we may not be a global epidemic yet, but... we’ve leapt from bat saliva to humans and... and we’ve just killed our first few villagers.

& Gilfoyle: This must be the new fridge.
    Dinesh: You like this? Look, it has a screen so you can see all the food that’s inside.
    Gilfoyle: Mm-hmm. Kind of like that one?
    Dinesh: This one has an app, so you can actually watch the food on your phone.
    Gilfoyle: All it needs to do is keep my fucking beer cold.
    Fridge: Hmm. You’re running low on beer.
    Gilfoyle: Fuck you.

& Gilfoyle: It’s bad enough it has to talk. Does it need fake vocal ticks like, «ah»?
    Dinesh: Well, it just makes it sound more human.
    Gilfoyle: Humans are shit. This thing is addressing problems that don’t exist. It’s solutionism at its worst. We are dumbing down machines that are inherently superior.

& Gilfoyle: Did that fucker password-protect the settings?
    Dinesh: His fridge, his rules.
    Gilfoyle: Fuck.

---

& Dinesh: Well, good luck, it’s a 10-digit alphanumeric.
    Gilfoyle: Ten digit? Fuck.
    Dinesh: And you have one underpowered laptop, so you know, you should have the answer in... 9,000 years.
    Gilfoyle: Time to pull out the big gun.

& Jared: God. You believe this? I’m... I’m still on hold.
    Dinesh: With?
    Jared: Microsoft Azure. Yeah, I... I’m trying to negotiate a lower cloud storage rate .... I mean, I’m still on hold. It’s like they don’t even care about small businesses.
    Dinesh: Jared, they don’t care about small businesses. That’s why small businesses have to lie. Like, um, Google named their first building Building 40, so that people would think they were already huge...

& Richard: So, it would’ve cost us slightly less if we’d have just...
    Jared: Paid the troll? Well, that’s true, but can you put a price on dignity?

& Erlich: Yeah, a lot of these guys aren’t man enough to work for an all-female led VC firm, but not me. I believe that the future is female. And anyone who says otherwise can suck my fat dick.

--
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Customer Service

Silicon Valley 4×6

& Russ: F#ck you, Richard Hendricks!
    Richard: F#ck me regarding?

& Richard: The point is, if you don’t draw the line in the sand when some guy pisses in your car, where do you, you know?

& Jared: So, to avoid being thrice made a cuckold, he agreed to a deal?

& Jared: Okay, guys, we’ve got to calm down. Okay? .... Let’s... Let’s take a deep breath, and let’s just be cool and put our phones down. Go ahead.

---

& Erlich: Are those almond poppy seed muffins or lemon poppy seed muffins? No matter, I’ll take both, and the, uh, whole first floor. It’s been a... pretty bad...

& Richard: ...And then it just happened.
    Jared: On the floor?
    Richard: We were like two wild animals.
    Jared: I’m sure it was magnificent.

& Jared: Oh, I am so glad this is over. I felt like Gibraltar in World War II, where it was both crucial and inert.

--
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