The Patent Troll

Silicon Valley 4×7

& Erlich: Laurie... I will not allow you to make the same mistake that Uber, Palantir, Zenefits, and, in my earlier years, Chipotle made by not hiring me.

& Erlich: All right, don’t hire me. But can you hack this finder’s fee into 52 installments, paid weekly over the course of the next year?
    Monica: You mean... a salary?
    Erlich: Those are your words, not mine.
    Laurie: The finder’s fee and... 10,000 to go away?

& Erlich: There is a grotesque gender imbalance in the VC field right now. I can help you navigate the toxicity of this male culture which is encroaching on our feminist island.

& Erlich: Mansplaining is when a man will condescendingly explain something to a woman that she already knows.

& Jared: ...overall, we’re firmly in the top 30,000 Hooli phone apps. I mean, we may not be a global epidemic yet, but... we’ve leapt from bat saliva to humans and... and we’ve just killed our first few villagers.

& Gilfoyle: This must be the new fridge.
    Dinesh: You like this? Look, it has a screen so you can see all the food that’s inside.
    Gilfoyle: Mm-hmm. Kind of like that one?
    Dinesh: This one has an app, so you can actually watch the food on your phone.
    Gilfoyle: All it needs to do is keep my fucking beer cold.
    Fridge: Hmm. You’re running low on beer.
    Gilfoyle: Fuck you.

& Gilfoyle: It’s bad enough it has to talk. Does it need fake vocal ticks like, «ah»?
    Dinesh: Well, it just makes it sound more human.
    Gilfoyle: Humans are shit. This thing is addressing problems that don’t exist. It’s solutionism at its worst. We are dumbing down machines that are inherently superior.

& Gilfoyle: Did that fucker password-protect the settings?
    Dinesh: His fridge, his rules.
    Gilfoyle: Fuck.

---

& Dinesh: Well, good luck, it’s a 10-digit alphanumeric.
    Gilfoyle: Ten digit? Fuck.
    Dinesh: And you have one underpowered laptop, so you know, you should have the answer in... 9,000 years.
    Gilfoyle: Time to pull out the big gun.

& Jared: God. You believe this? I’m... I’m still on hold.
    Dinesh: With?
    Jared: Microsoft Azure. Yeah, I... I’m trying to negotiate a lower cloud storage rate .... I mean, I’m still on hold. It’s like they don’t even care about small businesses.
    Dinesh: Jared, they don’t care about small businesses. That’s why small businesses have to lie. Like, um, Google named their first building Building 40, so that people would think they were already huge...

& Richard: So, it would’ve cost us slightly less if we’d have just...
    Jared: Paid the troll? Well, that’s true, but can you put a price on dignity?

& Erlich: Yeah, a lot of these guys aren’t man enough to work for an all-female led VC firm, but not me. I believe that the future is female. And anyone who says otherwise can suck my fat dick.

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