30 Rock 3x22

Kidney Now!

& Kenneth: Science was my most favorite subject. Especially the Old Testament.

& Liz: You’re a match?
    Jake: No, I’m not.
    Liz: Then where are you gonna get a kidney from?
    Jake: I don’t know, but I have the entire liberal media establishment at my disposal. The same manipulation machine that got people to vote for Barack Obama and donate all that money after rainstorm Katrina. I’m going to use that to find my dad a kidney.

& Pete: Liz Lemon, you dumb bitch.
    Liz: What?
    Pete: Here’s the reason I don’t wanna go on that family vacation: It’s a working farm. And I’m the only one whose hands are big enough to guide the bull during mating.

& Tracy: There you are, you stupid cracker. You know why I get a hotel room? To poop in peace. No kids bangin’ on the door, No phones ringin’. It’s my time! Every Tuesday and Thursday at 3:00 pm! I don’t know why I only go twice a week. That’s what Angie should be worried about!

---

& Jake: Lemon, how are you?
    Liz: You know what? I’m good. I’ve got a book deal, a free sandwich in my pocket, and I have this weird, loose feeling in my shoulders. What is that?
    Jake: It’s either happiness or osteoporosis... I think it’s happiness.

This country has 600 million kidneys
And we really only need half
That leaves about 300 million kidneys
Do the math
Oh, Milton Greene, Milton Greene, Milton Greene

& Liz: We sure had quite a year.
    Jake: What’re you talking about? It’s May.
    Liz: Shh.

--
+ quotes on the Imdb.

Finally. This was the

End of Season 3

30 Rock 3x21

Mamma Mia

& Liz: Look, why don’t you just ask your mother who it is?
    Jake: No, no. Not Colleen. She had her reasons for keeping this from me for 50 years, And I don’t want her to relive it. Also, I want something really juicy to whisper to her on her deathbed.

& Jake: Tracy, why did you never try to find your father?
    Tracy: Because he’s dead.
    Jake: How do you know that?
    Tracy: Because I’m rich, and if that man was alive, He’d be living in my pool house, And I’d be paying him $200,000 a year to mow my lawn.
    Jake: Exactly. That’s all family is... a drain.

---

& Jake: Milton Greene and I are nothing alike. I have one scotch with the guy, and it devolves into a screaming match about Tom Delay.
    Liz: So you have a couple drinks, fight about politics, and then you take it personally when he doesn’t agree with you?.. That’s called having a dad, Jack.

& Tracy: Liz Lemon, I may hug people too hard and get lost at malls... But I’m not an idiot.

& Milton Greene: I have a son! A beautiful son!
    Jake: And I have a dad!
    Greene: Fate has brought us together, Jack. You opened a whole new chapter in my life!
    Jake: Yeah. Isn’t it amazing?
    Greene: Oh, you don’t know the half of it! I need a kidney!.. Oh, God! This is so great!

--
+ quotes on the Imdb.

30 Rock 3x20

The Natural Order

& Kenneth: Ah. Another day done. Now let’s get outta here before we realize we’ve forgotten about something.

& Kenneth: Ma’am, this is a wild animal. You can’t treat it like a person.
    Jenna: No, he’s happy. His costume is hiding his erection.

---

& Liz: Hey, Jack, do you treat me any differently because I’m a woman?
    Jake: Well, I pay you a little less, yes.
    Liz: No, I mean day-to-day. Do you coddle me?
    Jake: In some ways. With a man, I can be more direct, but with you, uh, I have to have a conversation, Talk things through more.

& Paul: I’m sorry. Your mom’s out shopping.
    Jake: I know. My credit card company called to confirm my purchase of a book entitled Intercourse after hip surgery.

--
+ quotes on the Imdb.

30 Rock 3x19

The Ones

& Elisa: I cannot marry him because of a terrible secret. Please don’t ask me what it is!
    Liz: I won’t. I don’t want to know... Are you a man?
    Elisa: Really? That’s your guess, a man? You want to see me naked?
    Liz: ... Sort of.

& Jake: Being in a relationship means overlooking certain flaws. I mean, somewhere right now, a guy is on a j-date with Monica Lewinsky. Nobody’s perfect.

& Tracy: We’re going out tonight, Jackie D, and you’re gonna be tempted like Jesus in the wilderness. ... Jesus is my stereo guy, and the Wilderness is a club I took him to once.

---

& Pete: Jenna, do you feel genuine remorse? ... Thank God. Sociopath downgraded to extreme narcissist.

& Jenna: He was special. I really thought that he was... The one.
    Kenneth: Oh, Miss Maroney, it’s horrible to think you might have found your true love, but only to lose him.
    Jenna: It hurts more than my foot botox to know that he’s out there, and I have no way to find him.

--
+ quotes on the Imdb.

30 Rock 3x18

Jackie Jormp-Jomp

& Jake: Jenna, I need to speak with you.
    Jenna: Jack, I did not hit that Asian page! I was just swinging my arm and she walked into me. Twice.

& Liz: Right now, I should be standing in a toilet stall so nobody bothers me while I eat lunch. God, I miss it...
    Emily: I was an investment banker for 15 years. 80-hour workweeks, corner office, secret candy drawer... And a decoy candy drawer to throw others off the trail.
    Liz: Smart.
    Emily: The point is you get addicted to the stress. Think it gives your life purpose. And then when you stop... You see how stupid you were. It just takes time to realize there are much better ways to be happy.

& Jake: Kenneth, what can I do for you?
    Kenneth: Well, sir, I recently learned that company policy requires that employees disclose their relationships with their cowkers to their immediate supervisor.
    Jake: I am not your immediate supervisor. There are perhaps 40 people between us. Pete, for instance.
    Kenneth: Oh, I just don’t trust Mr. Hornberger, sir. He has a ridge on the section of the skull associated with deviousness.

& Kenneth: I don’t know if this is harassment... But someone at the today show made me eat an unripe banana in front of her.

& Tracy: Let the problem solving begin.

---

& Jeffrey Weinerslav: Well, I know how eager you are to return to work.
    Liz: I guess so.
    Jeffrey: But coming back to work isn’t always easy. Work means stress. And stress can make you fall back on old behavior. So tonight, I want you to really think about the returning back. Visualize everything that’s facing you. Think about walking through that door and immediately dealing with 100 different problems and responsibilities. Your coworkers’ demands on you, the long hours, the pointless meetings and endless phone calls. Think of the frustration, the futility, and the time that you will never get back as you creep closer and closer to the grave... Okay. Any questions for me?
    Liz: Just one. Why don’t you drop those dockers and gimme a piece of that sweet ass?!

& Liz: What’re we doing today,ladies?
    Erin: More of the same.

& Jenna: Oh, Jack, this’s just the greatest night of my... What the hell is that?!!
    Jake: Well, it’s you. What’s the problem?
    Jenna: It has the year I was born on it. The real year, not the actress year. Now almost a million people are gonna know that I’m f... f...

& Liz: I’m back.
    Jake: What did it turn out to be? Lesbians?
    Liz: No. Fight club.

--
+ quotes on the Imdb.

30 Rock 3x17

Cutbacks

& Jake: I’m warning you now that the entertainment division is gonna come under some very close scrutiny. The days of your wild coke parties are over.
    Liz: Well, if by “coke,” you mean “sodas”...

& Jake: I need an assistant. And I’m going to have to ask you to fill in.
    Kenneth: Uh... what about my page duties?
    Jake: Oh, don’t worry. I’ve taken care of that. You’ll do both jobs.

& Brad Halster, the Himler Group, a division of Advantrix Consulting: Liz, is there a conference room where we can sit down and get started?
    Liz: Actually, I thought we’d do this outside the box. I’d like to tell you about three television programs. A comedy show, a musical variety show, and a live television event. Comedy, music show, live show. Comedy, music, live. Are you getting it? Yeah. They’re all the same show. They’re all TGS.

& Kenneth: With both these jobs, I don’t know when I’m gonna be able to get home. I’m worried about my bird, Sonny Crockett. Would you mind going to my apent and feeding him?
    Tracy: Yeah, okay. Birds are like little dinosaurs. So what I’ll be doing is actually pretty cool and brave.

---

& Kenneth: Hello, miss Lemon. Are you here to see Kenneth the Page or Kenneth- the Mr. Donaghy’s assistant?

& Cheryl: Do you know Jack Donaghy well?
    Liz: Pretty well.
    Cheryl: Do you happen to know if he’s a boob man or a butt man?
    Liz: What? Why would you ask that?
    Cheryl: Because I don’t want to get fired. So I’m gonna have to go in there and found my way out of this.
    Liz: You’re gonna try to have sex with jack?
    Cheryl: I have to. I have 15 employees. I’m responsible for them. Do you have any idea what that’s like?
    Liz: Well, yeah, I have 200 people under me, but...
    Cheryl: Wow. Maybe we could team up, go in there together, lez out, give him a show.

& Liz: Your next meeting might disagree. She’s planning to change your mind by hitting... that.
    Jake: Oh, no, not again. This last guy tried to take my belt off. But the sad thing is, it sometimes works. Sexual bartering pays off. Salome... Mata Hari... Deborah Norville...

& Tracy: Jenna, I just want you to know that if we find any human remains in there, I’m gonna throw up all over your face.

& Liz: We know the deal. Let’s cut to the chase.
    Halster: That’s certainly direct.
    Liz: We go upstairs. 20 minutes. Open mouth. I will work your ears.
    Halster: I don’t know, Liz. What you’re asking me to do is a big deal. If I go through with this, I need to know it’s worth it.
    Liz: Fine. 30 minutes. I’ll make some sounds. And you can say one weird thing to me.
    Halster: ...
    Liz: All right, hardball. 30 minutes. Sounds. Top front of my body is now in play. Deal?

& HR: Mr. Halster has filed a complaint against you with Human Resources. Specifically, his claim suggests that you tried to barter sex in exchange for professional consideration. In the Human Resource world, we refer to that as “being a filthy prostitute.” Now, since this is your first incident, and, uh, Mr. Donaghy has explained the mitigating circumstances... I’m convinced that this sexual outburst was brought on... by menopause.

--
+ quotes on the Imdb.

__ Cutbacks r always funny. If u r watching them outside, naturally.
++ Liz Vs. Jobs it's just the bazinga!

30 Rock 3x16

Apollo, Apollo

& Liz: Have you seen this Tracy thing?
    Jake: I am aware of it. I have a Google News alert for the phrase “tracy jordan ridiculous disaster.”

& Jake: Tonight was supposed to be special. And all I could think about was that kid. So happy, he threw up. {...} What happens to us?
    Liz: We grow up.
    Jake: I have a good life, but I’ll never be that happy again. I want that back.
    Liz: Well, there’s nothing you can do about that.
    Jake: I disagree. I’m going to find out what was inside that box. I’m going to buy it with money. And it’s going to make me happy. If that doesn’t work, I’m going to Benjamin Button myself.

---

& Jenna: What do you want?
    Liz: I want to make it up to you, Jenna. What can I do? How about on the next show you could do that song that they wouldn’t let you sing at the inauguration?
    Jenna: No. ’Chocolate Rainbow’ is too good for TGS.

& Liz: Hey, are you feeling okay?
    Jake: I feel great. I feel like a kid. Lemon, I honestly don’t know what I would do without you.
    Liz: I’ll see you tomorrow, Jack.
    Jake: See you tomorrow... Bijou.

--
+ quotes on the Imdb.

30 Rock 3x15

The Bubble

& Jake: What’s his mood?Liz: Upbeat and confused.Jake: Perfect. You know his contract is up.
    Liz: Has it been that long?.. We sure have done some crazy things with Tracy in the last three years.Jake: We sure have.
    Liz: ... I’m thinking about some of them now...
    Jake: ... Me too...

& Jake: I hope you know how much we value you here at TGS. I like to think of this staff as a family.
    Tracy: This is better than a family! No one around here asks me for my damn bone marrow.

& Jake: Why don’t we make this easy on ourselves and renew your existing contract with a... 3% increase?
    Tracy: ..... Sorry it took me so long to answer. I was just thinking about how weird it is that we eat birds.

---

& Tracy Jr: Thanks to you, I now have an unemployed father! You trying to make a stereotype out of me? Did you even vote for Obama?
    Jake: ... We’ve heard from Tracy Jr. Where is your mother?
    Tracy Jr: Gone to take a spa week at Canyon Ranch before my dad broke it in half. What’s that supposed to mean? I should not have to hear that. I’m a child!
    Jake: Tracy Jr, George Foreman, I want to get your father back to work just as much as you do. But what do I offer the man who has everything? I don’t know what to do.
    Tracy Jr: I didn’t come here to hear more excuses. I’m here to see the dumbest cracker in all of New York. You gotta fix this, Donaghy. Fix this!

& Drew: You know I don’t see it on the menu but I would love a catfish po’boy and a diet raspberry Fanta.
    Liz: That is a great idea. Let me order that for you. Excuse me! We will have a turkeyburger deluxe and a catfish po’boy with a diet raspberry Fanta.
    Waitress: ... I’m gonna come back in five minutes you try to order off the menu again I will smack those glasses off your face.
    Liz: Thank you.
    Waitress: You’re welcome.
    Drew: What was that? Why didn’t she call you “sweetheart”? And where’s the complimentary app sampler? What’s going on?

& Jenna: You seem really stressed out. You wanna talk about what’s going on?
    Liz: I just hope it’s not a mistake.
    Jenna: Maybe it is. But you have to listen to your heart.
    Liz: But why meddle with something that was great?
    Jenna: It’ll grow back.
    Liz: What?!
    Jenna: We’re talking about my hair, right?

--
+ quotes on the Imdb.

30 Rock 3x14

The Funcooker

& Dr. Leo Spaceman: My lab works is in the field of sleep research... Mostly because I checked the wrong box on a form once.

& Jenna: Does it work?
    Dr. Leo Spaceman: It’s kept my lab rats awake for days. But we’re looking for human subjects.
    Jenna: Where do I sign up?
    Dr. Leo Spaceman: Please, we don’t want a paper trail. Take 25 of these a day for the rest of your life.

& Kenneth: Who’s in charge while you’re gone?
    Liz: Let’s see... Pete is spending spring break with his kids, so... no one. No one here is in charge in any way!

& Tracy: I learned that if you pay some money afterwards, you can say whatever you want on TV. I can even say what Ernest Borgnine whispered to me at...
    Liz: Stop. That’s not the lesson!
    Tracy: That’s always the lesson. If you have money, you can do whatever you want.

& Liz: I am not asking you this as the boss you love to undermine, but as the friend whose birthday you love to forget...

---

& Jake: I need your creative input. I’ve spent the better part of last 3 years developing a portable, miniature microwave oven. Most of that time has been spent focused on coming up with a hip name for the product, that will appeal to the marketing holy trinity: college students, morbidly obese*, and homosexuals. Unfortunately, legal just informed me that the name we settled on for our bite-size microwave, The BiteNuker, is highly offensive to those who speak French or Dutch. A Franco-Dutchman would pronounce it “Bedneuker.”
    Laroche-Van Der Hoot: Zat’s awful.

& Liz: I’ve been put on a jury. I’ll head up there as soon as we are dismissed for the day. Try not to let anything else bad happen.
    Kenneth: ... I’m in charge! Attention, everyone! All menstruating women go home immediately.

& Liz: Hi, it’s Liz. I should be able to get up there in an hour.
    Rochelle Gaulke: Where are you rushing off to?.. Work?.. Not me. I’m gonna have a sandwich in my cell and take a nap. This man opens doors for me. I’m free. I’m freer than you. Freer than you!

& Jake: We’ve both had a rough week. You went firebug, and I’m sitting on four million... mini-microwaves that legal won’t let out of the warehouse. I suggest we both go to our respective homes, open a bottle of wine, and heat up some ham in the shower.
    Liz: It works in the shower?! You know what?.. This really is the best day ever.

& Tracy: Here comes the funcooker!

--
morbidly — патологически
obese — тучный

+ quotes on the Imdb.

30 Rock 3x13

Goodbye, My Friend

& Tracy: Thanks for coming out. Thanks for watching. Love, peace, and hair grease.

& Tracy: I don’t need a birthday. ’Cause I buy myself all the presents I need... And because of my drinking, they’re often a surprise.

& Jake: That film has layers. I was also thinking about what you told me about your family and law school.
    Frank: Yeah, sorry. I was drunk. I shouldn’t have told you that stuff.
    Jake: No, no, no. I’m glad you did. We have a lot in common.
    Frank: We both have recurring dreams about being overpowered by a female bodybuilder?
    Jake: Okay, we were both drunk.

---

& Becca: Excuse me.
    Jake: Oh God, please don’t be a daughter I didn’t know about.

& Jake: Let me hear you say the seven most important words in the american judicial system.
    Frank: My client has no memory of that.
    Jake: I also would have accepted, “you can’t prove that’s the governor’s semen.”

--
+ quotes on the Imdb.

30 Rock 3x12

Larry King

& Jake: Obviously I care about her a lot, but she keeps confusing me with this ridiculous notion that “sex” and “love” are somehow connected.

& Liz: OK, two things: one, be honest, if this is a big deal to her do not take that next step unless you are sure, and second, and more importantly, in 2009 I have done it two more times than you!!

& Pete: What’s that, you’re calling me, how’s that possible? Hello!
    Asseef: This phone was left in my cab by a woman wearing the shirt of a man.

& Liz: Hey, Jack, how are you doing?
    Jake: Like a lion, ready to take its mate.

---

& Kenneth: You lied to me!
    Liz: Yeah, alright, I lied, so what? You want the truth Kenneth, you want the truth?
    Kenneth: I can’t handle the truth!
    Liz: There’s an adult picture of me on that phone!
    Kenneth: Adult? You mean like you’re driving a car or wearing a suit?
    Liz: It’s a boobies picture, Kenneth, and I only kept it because for once they were both pointing in the same direction.

& Jake: Look, this is an emergency, if I’m not here, tonight...
    Elisa: What? What’s gonna happen? People are gonna die?.. No. You’ll all just get poor like the rest of us. You’ll eat cereal that comes in a bag, and you’ll keep the free hand wipes from the casino. You might even have to spend some time with your children.
    — Who is this woman, why isn’t someone shutting her up?

& Jake: I love you, Elisa and I don’t wanna be with anyone else.
    Elisa: Okay. But I want a ring so big, that it gives me back problems.

--
+ quotes on the Imdb.

30 Rock 3x11

St. Valentine's Day

& Drew: Good morning, regular person Lemon.

& Drew: How ’bout... Friday?
    Liz: Oh, no. On Friday I have a stupid... show. How ’bout Saturday?
    Drew: Saturday, uh... Okay. I guess that doesn’t have to be weird.
    Liz: Okay then.
    Drew: Okay. Valentine’s day it is.
    Liz: Saturday is Valentine’s day?!

& Jake: I’ll be in church.
    Liz: What? Why?
    Jake: Elisa is deeply religious.
    Liz: If I had those knockers, I’d be thanking God too.

& Jake: Imagine a dessert for two... Tahitian vanilla bean in a pool of ice cream... drizzled in the world’s most expensive chocolate, Amadei porcelana... Covered with shaved white, black,and clear truffles... And topped with edible 25-karat gold leaf... Can you imagine anything better?
    Elisa: I don’t know, you ever put a doughnut in the microwave?

---

& Priest: Don’t you have faith?
    Jake: I have faith in things I can see, and buy, and regulate. Capitalism is my religion.

& Priest: I don’t know what to say.
    Jake: I don’t want you to say anything. I already made that clear.
    Priest: Then what... brought you here tonight?
    Jake: What brought me here? What brings anyone anywhere? Why do men build bridges? Why are there jets? I was hoping to have sex tonight! Have you ever made love to a woman, father? Come on, man. Imagine cradling your face into the curve of a velvety-soft... neck. Your hands cupping the warm heft of the greatest pair of...
    Priest: I need backup! Harvard did not preparme for this.

& Drew’s ’Ma’: Mandy, you look terrible.
    Liz: Oh, I’m not Mandy. I’m Liz.
    Drew’s ’Ma’: Mandy, you have to tell Drew something for me. The woman he thinks is his sister is really his mother.
    Liz: What?!
    Drew’s ’Ma’: I’m his grandmother. You have to tell him, or I won’t get into heaven.

& Jennifer: Well, if you could’ve talked to me, what could you have said?
    Ken: That you’re the sweetest, prettiest, blindest girl I’ve ever met. And when I’m with you, my heart jumps like a frog on July asphalt, right before it dies.
    Jennifer: You’re so beautiful on the inside, Kenneth Parcell... Can I feel your face?

& Jake: Boy, does that guy’s not planning to kill her and eat her?
    Elisa: Jack, you’re such a romantic.

--
+ quotes on the Imdb.

30 Rock 3x10

Generalissimo

& Jenna: Dr. Andrew Baird? Do you know this guy?
    Liz: I don’t think so.
    Jenna: Well, he’s a pediatrician, so you know he likes kids. Or feet?.. No, no, kids. He has a bill from a divorce lawyer, so you know he’s single. And he has a golf magazine,so you know he’s not gay or poor.

& Jack: I think your grandmother hates me.
    Elisa: I don’t understand. She’s usually a very loving person.
    Jack: Is it because I’m white?
    Elisa: No. I’ve had white boyfriends. Black, Cuban... Brazilian guys with German heritage...
    Jack: I get it. You’ve been with other men. Congratulations.
    Elisa: Thank you.

& Oswald: Dr. Baird, there’s someone at your door.
    Dr. Drew Baird (AKA Don Draper): Oh, thanks, Oswald. Oswald was just helping me hang some pictures.
    Oswald: I live in the basement, so I have all the nails.

& Jenna: Look at Dr. Baird. How did you get a picture of him?
    Liz: I told him his haircut was exactly what I’ve been trying to describe to my barber. Yeah, smooth, I know.

---

& Jack: Elisa and I have enough obstacles. Our work schedules, our cultures, her adorably broken English...
    Elisa: Metrocards are a real thing, Jack.
    Jack: You use them on the subway.

& Liz: Well, Buster’s probably dead. Do you want to go to the wine bar around the corner, deal with these emotions, get some dinner?
    Drew: Uh, I would love to, Liz, I really would. But, I just got divorced not that long ago. { ! Bazinga! } I’m really not ready for this kind of thing just yet. Plus, I have not given up on that dog. He’s a fighter. Buster!
    Liz: Yeah, Buster.

& Liz: That’s what I could do to Drew.
    Jenna: Drug him? Liz, no. Having been on both sides of that, I could tell you it’s not a good idea.

& Ken: Mr. Jordan, I called my uncle Harland, and I got his hangover cure. “Mix two cups boiled possum meat with one messload ragweed, stir in alcohol...”

--
+ quotes on the Imdb.

30 Rock 3x9

Retreat to Move Forward

& Jake: It would be helpful to have someone with me who’s got my back.
    Liz: Ugh, no. Don’t make me be your camp friend. I hate those corporate things. Bunch of drunk people talking about synergy.
    Jake: First of all, never badmouth synergy.

& Tracy: So how am I lookin’, Dr. Spaceman?
    Dr. Leo Spaceman: Well, Tracy, I... I don’t know how to say this. Dee-ay-buh-tees.
    Tracy: Diabetes?
    Dr. Leo Spaceman: That’s it.

& Tracy: So how bad is diabetes, really?
    Dr. Leo Spaceman: It’s quite serious. If left untreated, you could lose a foot.
    Tracy: Could I replace it with a wheel, like Rosie from The Jetsons?
    Dr. Leo Spaceman: I suppose. But then you’d have to register as a motor vehicle.

---

& Toofer: You know, there’s a conspiracy theory that, after the civil war, the U.S. government spread false information about diabetes to keep the newly-freed slaves sluggish and docile, which is why, to this date, most African Americans don’t understand that diabetes is caused by sleeping on your back.

& Liz: Sorry! I dropped it when I was pretending it was my penis! Robot-penis.

& Liz: What is that?
    Prashant: It’s his psych-up speech.
    Liz: He doesn’t know his microphone is on. We gotta tell him.
    Prashant: Why would we? When a big one falls, four littlones move up.

+ quotes on Imdb.

30 Rock 3x8

Flu Shot

& Kenneth: Oh, Miss Lemon, how could you do that to your beautiful hands? With your flat, manly milking thumbs and your long, graceful knuckle hair...

& Jack: Now, have you ever had sushi?
    Elisa: I once had a very undercooked fish sandwich at a parade.
    Jack: I guess that counts.

& Jack: I don’t know what to do about Elisa. She works all the time. You know she’s second generation Puerto Rican.

& Leo: Lemon, you don’t wanna get sick.
    Liz: It’s not about that. It’s about fairness. I don’t want the shot.
    Leo: When is modern science gonna find a cure for a woman’s mouth?..

---

& Tracy: He said it was a flu shot. But you know it’s really a truth serum.
    Liz: It’s not a truth serum.
    Tracy: Them why am I telling you you look like Tootsie today?

& Jack: Kenneth, I’m considering giving you one of the remaining flu shots.
    Kenneth: No need, sir. It would be an honor to die at my post and be given the traditional burial of a Parcell man... wrapped in a Confederate flag, fried, and fed to dogs.

& Elisa: I live in the Big Apple, but I spend all my time with the Big Vegetable. Why can’t I have fun like an upper middle class person?

+ On Imdb.

30 Rock 3x7

Senor Macho Solo

Season 3, Episode 7

& Jake: I think you’ll find being my mother’s nurse a mixed bag. When she’s in a foul mood, it can be horribly unpleasant. But at other times, she is... asleep.
    Elisa: I understand. Elder care can be stressful.
    Jake: Uh, especially when the object of that care wanders around at night in depression-era petty pants.
    Elisa: You should’ve seen my Grandmother in her later years. Do you know what kind of clothes old Puerto Rican ladies wear around the house?..
    Jake: No.
    Elisa: Me neither ’cause she never wore any. But family is family. And you’re a good son.
    Jake: Well, i do what i can for my mother.
    Colleen: Jack, somebody’s gotta dry me off!

& Tracy: I know you’re not gonna leave me. I got somebody who’s gonna watch me die!
    Jake: Tracy, let’s not get emotional.
    Tracy: This is happening, Jack. You could stay or you could leave, but it’s gonna take a while.

---

& Jake: Jack Donaghy, Senior VP for Television and Microwave Oven Programming.
    Stewart: Stuart Lagrange, U.N. High Commission on Water Temperature and Food Taint*.

& Jake: The lady will be having the tasting menu. But with some substitutions. Instead of any of it, she’ll have a cup of hot water with a chicken bone in it and a bowl of salted ice cubes.


-- Dict:
Taint — пятно; зараза; испорченность

On Imdb.

!! Salma Hayek as a Puerto Rican Jake's mother's nurse!
+ Peter Dinklage as Stewart AKA Tyrion Lannister from the Game of Thrones.

30 Rock 3x6

Christmas Special

Season 3, Episode 6

& Liz: Merry almost Christmas, everybody. I have some great
news. We are all getting...
    Frank: Frozen steaks?
    Pete: iPod nothings?
    Tracy: Colorful sweaters?

& Ken: I love helping people less fortunate than me.
    Toofer: Where do you find them?
    Ken: There are these Nigerians on the Internet that help me.

& Jenna: Mr. Donaghy, as leader of this group, I have to put my foot down. Christmas is a sacred time for me and my surrogate family. So if you are willing to look four 25-year-old gay guys in the eyes and tell them that we’re not going to see new kids on the block at the Borgata, be my guest.
    Jake: You are all contractually obligated to participate.
    Jenna: Yes, sir. I never liked that group. Sorry.

& Liz: Thank you so much for carrying that. I will buy you guys dinner later.
    Grizz: Liz, we both have girlfriends.

---

& Jake: Ah, my little elves at work... Looking good, gang, looking good.

& Ken: I don’t believe people would do that, Ms. Lemon. This is a religious holiday. When has religion ever caused any trouble?

& Colleen Donaghy: Sixteen minus eight is eight. Numbers, unlike children, don’t lie.

& Jack: I love you, mother, and I don’t want you to die.
    Colleen: I’m never going to, Jackie.


+ on Imdb.

30 Rock 3x5

Reunion

Season 3, Episode 5

& Ken: Miss Lemon, you have several messages. Let’s see... That company running the bike tour in South Carolina says “no singles.”
    Liz: Okay.
    Ken: Your credit card called. They wanna make sure you’re the one buying cream soda in bulk*.
    Liz: I sure am.
    Ken: And your landlord called. And he said it is not the toilet, it’s you.
    Liz: That’s his opinion.

& Jake: What’s that flavor?
    Liz: It’s Dove age-fighting acne cream.

& Jake: Well, that’s you now, Lemon. You run a hit TV show. You have very impressive friends. You found a hairstyle that works for you... So long as it’s not too humid. And you’re telling me that you don’t have the confidence to face a bunch of whittling, jug-blowing monkeys?
    Liz: Jack, it’s a suburb of Philadelphia.
    Jake: Lemon, you will go and show that Kelsey Winthrop that the ugly duckling has turned into... a vaguely* ethnic swan.

& Jake: That’s fun, right? Instead of running everything, I’m going back to my old job. So the standards department is telling me you can only say “cat anus” twice during the show, but I’m gonna fight for you. You can say it three times. Cat anus, cat anus, cat anus!

& Liz: Are you okay?
    Jake: I have to be. What are my other options? Cry? Wallow*? If I do that, Geiss and the Beam win. If I control my feelings, I win.
    Liz: Jeez, Jack, tough year. First William F. Buckley dies, now this. Next stop impotence, right?

---

& Liz: What is wrong with these people?
    Jake: Nothing. They’re good Americans. Hey, Lemon, check this out. I just made it up. 3B — beers, boats, and buds. Doesn’t that sound great?
    Liz: Are you having a stroke?
    Jake: No. No, all my life I thought I made good choices, but am I happy? These people are happy. I envy them. I wish I was one of them...
    Keith: Larry?.. Larry Braverman?..
    Jake: Yes. Yes, I am Larry Braverman.

& Tracy: Jenna, we’re the most important people here, right?
    Jenna: Well, of course, Tracy. We’re actors. If we didn’t exist, how would people know who to vote for?
    Tracy: And people around here shouldn’t take attention from us, should they?
    Jenna: No. Never. Attention is what gives us power. If someone threatens that, you have to put a stop to it.

& Jenna: Here’s your lunch, Mr. Parcell. Just the way you like it. Ham sandwich with the spices, hold by the bread.
    Ken: But that’s my job!!
    Tracy: ...this studio hosted The Kraft television theater in the 1950s, where young writers like Paddy Chayefsky and Rod Sterling First rose to prominence...
    Ken: Mr. Jordan, why are you giving a tour?!
    Tracy: It doesn’t feel good when someone does your job, does it?

& Ken: I’m so sorry, miss Morone.
    Jenna: No, keep crying. I want you to feel this so you never make this mistake again.

& Jake: We all know that Liz Lemon has her faults, but no one’s perfect. I mean, I’m certainly not perfect.
    Keith: Don’t say that Braverman!!
    Rob: You’re more than perfect.
    Jake: No, no, no, it’s true. I’ve made mistakes. Sacrificed happiness for a job I don’t think I’m ever going to get. We all have ways of coping*. I use sex and awesomeness. Lemon here hides behind her insults, but that’s not who she is. She’s a good person... whom I’m honored to call my friend.
    Liz: Thank you, ’Larry’.

& Kelsey: Larry, we’re all so happy to have you back in our lives. But me especially. Because there’s someone I want you to meet... Larry... This is your son.

& Jake: I am not Larry Braverman. I repeat, I am not Larry Braverman! I am Liz Lemon’s platonic friend, Jack Donaghy.



-- Dict:
bulk — объем; масса; большое количество
vaguely — неясно
Wallow — утопать
coping — справиться


+ On Imdb.

30 Rock 3x4

Gavin Volure

Season 3, Episode 4

& Tracy: Look what the little one made me.
    Ken: Aw, that’s cute.
    Tracy: This is voodoo, Ken! Those two are up to something.
    Ken: Sometimes, kids act out when there’s a big change. I know I was a handful when my family moved from our farm house to that militia camp in the woods.


& Tracy: Well, there is all this new money coming in. And it’s not just from the video game. It’s the tie-ins, the toys, the life-sized Tracy Jordan sex doll... They’re selling like hotcakes in Japan.
    Ken: Well, you know what they say, money is the root of all evil.
    Tracy: I thought that was just a tagline for my movie, Death Bank...


& Jake: This is the most exciting day of my life. And I was pulled onstage once to dance at a Bruce Springsteen concert.
    Gavin Volure (aka Steve Martin!): Welcome aboard. Just think, this time next year, you’ll be so rich you can run for political office without having to pretend to be a fundamentalist.


& Jake: Kenneth, what are you doing?
    Ken: Ah, hello, sir. I’ve been taking in laundry to make extra money. I just don’t let myself read the t-shirts with off-color slogans.

---

& Jake: ...what’s the problem?
    Liz: I don’t know, I’m still tired from that dinner. And meeting someone new, ugh. All the nodding and smiling and siblings* listing. And what’s the upside? It works and you have to have a bunch of sex?
    Jake: Lemon, what do you want? Do you want to be alone for the rest of your life?
    Liz: No, I just wish I could start a relationship about 12 years in, when you really don’t have to try anymore and you can just sit around together and goof on TV shows, and then go to bed without anybody trying any funny business.


& Liz: So you just never leave this house?
    Gavin Volure: I’m afraid not. And it does get lonely. I’d be lying if I told you I never danced with a broom.
    Liz: That’s nothing. Sometimes, to feel like I have company during dinner, I dispute credit card charges on speaker phone.


& Ken: I’m sorry to bother you, Mr. Donaghy. But I’ve got another $10.00 I’d like to invest. I did some street performing in my neighborhood this weekend.
    Jake: Kenneth, I’m very proud of you. Next stop — home ownership... I’m just kidding. The middle class is dying, you’ll be renting forever.


& Jake: Uh, Kenneth. I couldn’t get your money back, and I’m sorry. I feel responsible, so I want you to have this.
    Ken: Mr. Donaghy, I can’t take that. Well, what would this country be if our economy didn’t allow wealthy people to take advantage of rubes*?
    Jake: Well, yes, that’s true. But what about your family?
    Ken: Ah, don’t worry about us. We, Parcells, have eaten our share of rock soup and squirrel tail. But we’ve also known lean times. We’ll get by.



-- Dict:
sibling — родной брат / сестра
rube — деревенщина


+ on Imdb.

30 Rock 3x3

The One with the Cast of 'Night Court'

Season 3, Episode 3

& Liz: I just got a call from security.
    Jenna: What? That’s ridiculous! Why would I steal a file from personnel?


& Liz: What were you thinking? Some woman you’ve known for ten seconds in the elevator?
    Jake: I don’t see what the problem is. This is objectively awesome.
    Liz: You don’t understand. For her, sex is not something that you have to do after the 12th date. She uses it to suck men in and bleed them dry. Back in Chicago, I saw her take powerful men down. Didn’t matter if it was Scottie Pippin or the drummer for the Bodeans or someone else’s boyfriend who ran a small but prestigious clowning academy.
    Jake: Whose boyfriend?


& Liz: She’s like a human Macarena. Something everyone did at parties in 1996.

---

& Claire Harper (aka Jennifer Aniston): Jack’s just being modest. He won’t tell you... But I will. Today... is Jack’s birthday! Hit it, boys.


& Mi Au: Jack, introduce me to this charming young woman.
    Claire: I’m his life coach, Esmeralda Fitzmonster.


& Jake: You were right about Claire. She crashed Mi Au’s party.
    Liz: Did she do sexy birthday or mannequin who comes to life?
    Jake: Sexy birthday, thank god!


& Tracy: My boy Kenneth is going through some really tough times. They’re trying to make him wear a coat that’s different than his other coat.


+ on Imdb.


+ Jennifer Aniston :)