Psychoville 2x6

& Mr. Jelly: I hate London. It’s a right shit hole. Look at all these weirdos.

& Mr. Jelly: I think that’s him. He said he’d have a green jacket on. The black swan has landed on the village green.
    London Man: What?!
    Mr. Jelly: Head?
    London Man: Fuck off, freak!

& Bishop: I’ve got a taxi waiting. Come on.
    Mr. Jelly: Taxi?! Who’s paying for that?

& Emily: I was sorry to hear about your mother.
    David: Why, what’s happened?
    Emily: Well... I heard she died.
    David: Oh, yeah... I knew that.
    Emily: She seemed really nice.
    David: She was. Mostly.

& Mr. Jelly: All I wanted to do was come to London and sell a dead Nazi’s head, but no, it has to be brought back to life first. Nothing’s ever straightforward is it?

---

& Grace: This is it, Kelvin. Wish me luck.
    Kelvin: Good luck, ma’am. ...
    Grace: Too much.

& David: My Mum...
                by David Sowerbutts.
        She always brought me cocoa
        She always brought me tea
        She always held my willy
        When I had to do a wee

        My mum said I am special
        I think that she is, too.
        And now that she’s not here
        I don’t know what to do.

& Grace: It’s alive!
    Mr. Jelly: ... He’s drowning. You’re drowning him!
    Grace: Tell them to drain the tank, Kelvin.
    Mr. Jelly: You didn’t think this through properly, did you?

& Ehrlichmann: Come where I can see you. ... Now I understand. You are one of the weak. You have no contribution to make to our society.
    Kerry: Says the head in a box.

& Mrs. Wren: Oh, no! Did I miss the end?

& TV reporter: ’The revivification of a frozen brain is still believed to be in the realms of science fiction. However, recent events suggest that the possibility may be closer than we think.’

& David: Do you want ice with that?..


On Imdb.

And this was the

End of the Show

Or just the end the Season 2?..
We'll see; sufficient number of loose ends left despite Grace Andrews' order.

Psychoville 2x5

& David: Do you remember when I was a little boy and we went on that caravan holiday in Whitley Bay? ... And I asked you what was the one thing you’d like to do before you died.
    Maureen: Yeah, and I said wine tasting in France.
    David: No, you didn’t.
    Maureen: I did. I still do — I’d love to do that.
    David: Oh. I’ve completely misremembered it, then.
    Maureen: What did you think I said?
    David: Zorbing.
    Maureen: Whoa!
    David: Keep your knees together — I can see between your legs!

& Nurse Kenchington: Put that down and get out!
    Librarian: Yes, Nurse Kenchington.
    Nurse Kenchington: You didn’t masturbate in my tea, did you?
    Librarian: No. No, I didn’t.
    Nurse Kenchington: Good. Because Patient Wilkinson did, and we soon put a stop to that.

& Tealeaf: We saw you on telly last night.
    Bishop: Ah, what about that poor woman? I know, was it three different men or one man three times?

& Chris: Where’s Shahrouz?
    Hattie: Erm, you mean my husband?
    Chris: I mean my boyfriend, where is he?!

& Mrs. Wren: Is it ice cream?
    Mr. Jelly: No, it’s a kidney!
    Mrs. Wren: That’s a funny flavour. Mind you, they have cookie dough now.

---

& David: How long do you think she’s got?
    Maureen’s Doctor: Well, let me put it this way, you know when you go food shopping at, um...
    David: Nettos?
    Doctor: Thought so. And you know on the food has two dates — ’Sell By’ and ’Use By’. Well, your mum has gone way past Sell By and is now curling at the edges, behind an onion in the salad drawer.
    David: So you’re saying I shouldn’t eat her, then?
    Doctor: No. Well, you shouldn’t eat her, but I’m saying... What am I saying? I’m saying you might like to take her home and make her comfortable tonight. She won’t need to set the alarm for the morning.
    David: Oh... Thank you.

& Tealeaf: But what’s this got to do with the locket?
    Bishop: Everything.

& Maureen: I’m so proud of you, David. You need to know that. You’ve never left me, have you?
    David: Only to go to the toilet.
    Maureen: Yeah, but, even then, I was watching you... You never knew that, did you?

& Maureen: Good job I’m not religious or I’d be shitting myself now. Was it wrong to kill all those people?.. Didn’t seem wrong.

& Tealeaf: They reckon in the future they’ll be able to bring them back to life. But who’d want to bring back a dead Nazi?
    Bishop: Oh, you’d be surprised. Heil Hitler. Schwartze.


On Imdb.

Psychoville 2x4

& Tealeaf: It’s not a room full of beanie toys, is it?
    Peter Bishop: Not quite.
    Tealeaf: Oh, for fuck’s sake.

& Shahrouz: What... What time is it?
    Hattie: It’s ten o’clock. I’d better get to work.
    Shahrouz: I too must go to work. I have morning shift.
    Hattie: No, you can’t leave, Shahrouz.
    Shahrouz: I must or they fire me.
    Hattie: No, I mean you literally can’t leave. I’ve chained your leg to the radiator.

& Bishop: I never made the connection till I read it in the newspaper this morning. So, I decided to “Gooble” it, and I got some very interesting hits. Do you call them hits?

& Richard: All right? Hello, Debbie.
    Debbie: Hi, Richard.
    Richard: Have you got everything you need?
    Debbie: I think so. I wouldn’t mind getting a bigger flat, but the lease doesn’t come up until...
    Richard: No, I meant here, in this situation.
    Debbie: Oh, yes. I’m good, thanks.
    Richard: It should be pretty straightforward. We’ve got a built-in half-hour delay, so should there be any mistakes, we can go again.
    Debbie: Should there be any mistakes?
    Richard: Yes.
    Debbie: So, you want some mistakes?
    Richard: No, but should there be any...
    Debbie: That’s what I’m asking.
    Richard: No, we don’t want any mistakes.
    Debbie: I thought so. It’s sometimes good to check, though, isn’t it?

---

& Claudia: What’s going on? Have we got a gig?
    Mr. Jelly: I haven’t got time to explain, but if you stay, your life could be in danger.
    Claudia: Why? Are they doing them salmon fishcakes again? I told them, they ought to use tinned. Fred West’s.
    Mr. Jelly: John West. Get your slippers on.
    Claudia: Where are we going at this hour?
    Mr. Jelly: We’re going on a little adventure. Do as you’re told!
    Claudia: Is it going to be hot? Will I need sun cream?
    Mr. Jelly: No! I don’t know. Just bring a change of clothes.

& Old Man: Wipe my bum!
    David: I’ve wiped it 16 times already.
    Old Man: Wipe my bum!
    David: I’ve wiped it and wiped it. There’s nothing there. I don’t want to wipe it any more. It’ll just get sore.

& David: She’s already dead.
    Old Man: Wipe her bum.

& Grace: Well, you could move the old lady over to your ever-growing corpse column. In fact... you can move the whole lot. The plasma screen’s arrived.
    Kelvin: Right. Do you want me to start uploading all the data, Ma’am?
    Grace: First things first, Kelvin. There’s a Frasier double-bill on Channel 4+1.

On Imdb.

Psychoville 2x3

& Grace: What’s the clown up to? Mr Jelly?
    Kelvin: Still visiting the old lady, the occasional children’s party. Nothing out of the ordinary.

& Grace: Mr Mansour. Can you see me?
    Mansour: Yes, I see you.
    Grace: Now, am I in high definition? We had these HDMI cables fitted. You should be able to tell if I hold up this. ... Never mind.

& Mansour: We are growing impatient, Miss Andrews. When will we see a return on our investment?
    Grace: I can assure you we are very close to making our presentation, Mr Mansour. I’m sure you can appreciate we’re working at the cutting-edge of technology here. {...}
    Mansour: I hope I need not remind you how much is at stake here, Miss Andrews?
    Grace: Of course. And I can assure you that we will leave no stone unturned... No offence.
    Mansour: What do you mean?
    Grace: Well, you stone people, don’t you? Do you?
    Mansour: ... I hope to hear from you soon.
    Grace: Shit! Think I put my foot in it, there.

& Hattie: Listen, Shahrouz, I don’t want to panic you, but we might have a bit of a problem.
    Shahrouz: Huh?
    Hattie: I’ve had a call from the man at the Home Office who’s processing your visa application.
    Shahrouz: Visa, yes.
    Hattie: Well, he’s suspicious about our wedding cos it was so close to the expiry date of your old visa, and he wants to do a home visit, just to check we are actually living as Mr and Mrs, what is it, Japan...?
    Shahrouz: Javanmardy.
    Hattie: That’s it! Hattie Javanmardy. Unreal.

---

& Tealeaf: He doesn’t blame you for anything. It wasn’t your fault. You were the one who was lied to.
    Mr Lomax: If I saw him it would only make things worse than they already are.
    Tealeaf: It wouldn’t, he sees you as his father.
    Mr Lomax: I am his father. That’s what he wants. I mean I’m his real father.
    Tealeaf: I thought Hancock...
    Mr Lomax: I am Hancock!

& Mr Lomax: Stone me, what a life.

& Hattie: Are you sure you don’t want a little glass of poo, we’re supposed to be celebrating?
    Shahrouz: No. I am not permitted to drink.
    Hattie: Mmmm. There’s other things you’re not permitted to do. But you still do them though, don’t you?
    Shahrouz: It is my religion.
    Hattie: Oh, God. I’m going to have to learn all about this, aren’t I? Are you going to try and convert me? Or should I try and convert you?

& Hattie: Do you think we should be heading upstairs? Just do what we’d normally do?
    Shahrouz: I sleep on the couch.
    Hattie: Don’t be daft*. You can sleep in my bed. I’ll go in the spare room. Besides, you’ve got to carry me up the stairs yet. ... That’s it. You see, we’ve got to observe each other’s customs, Shahrouz. It’s all part of being married.

& Mr Lomax: Hello, Billy. Please, come in.
    Detective Finney: Hello, Dad.

& Shahrouz: A-a-a-a-h! Hattie, what are you doing?
    Hattie: I am consummating* our relationship, Shahrouz.

& Shahrouz: This is all wrong.
    Hattie: I’m wearing your ring, Shahrouz. We’ve got a certificate of marriage downstairs, signed in the sight of God. You are my husband. And husbands sleep with their wives, Shahrouz. Sorry.
    Shahrouz: But, I am homosexual!
    Hattie: Nobody’s perfect. Come on.

& — Don’t worry, Mr Kakkar. We have your fee waiting for you. As we do for you, Mr Jolly. ... Once the client has received the kidney, of course.
    Mr Jelly: Of course. Right, well. I think I’ll just, er... go and, er... have a piss.


-- Dict:
daft — глупый
consummating — завершение


On Imdb.

Psychoville 2x2

& Tealeaf: Who lives there?
    Mr. Lomax: Anthony Aloysius St John Hancock. Bastard.

& Robin: I wasn’t sure what we were having so I brought one of each.
    Emily: Buy one get one free.

& David: Mum, there’s a girl here as well. {...} What are we going to do?
    Maureen: Two for the price of one.

& Grace: What’s this?
    Kelvin: It’s the display you asked for, Ma’am. So we can keep track of the investigation.
    Grace: No, no, no, this is Prime Suspect! It’s the 21st century, we’re not hunting the Yorkshire Ripper. Where’s my plasma screen?
    Kelvin: It’s... It’s on order, Ma’am.
    Grace: Good. And I want to operate it from a button under here somewhere.

& Grace: Now where are we?
    Kelvin: Well, we think we’ve located Robert Greenspan, he’s the, er... the, the little...
    Grace: The dwarf, you can say it.
    Kelvin: Yes, and we expect to have questioned him by the end of the day.
    Grace: Ah, good, the Sony catalogue’s arrived...
    Kelvin: And if he doesn’t know anything Ma’am?
    Grace: Hmm? Oh, kill him. 290 centimetres. What’s that in inches then?

---

& Debbie: ’Of course I still love you, that’s the problem. Please don’t call me. No, don’t even next. It’s over.’ Who are you? Get out of my room! [bang-bang-bang] Sorry, what am I meant to do now?
    Director: You’re meant to fall down dead. You’ve just been shot.
    Debbie: That’s it, sorry, I couldn’t... There’s so much to think about. ... Sorry, everyone! I think I got my line wrong anyway. Didn’t I say next instead of text?

& Robert: Listen, Debbie. I want you to look after something for me.
    Debbie: All right, but I am allergic to cats.
    Robert: No, it’s not alive.
    Debbie: A dead cat?! I’m not sure, Robert. How did it die?

& Mr. Lomax: The artist... The blood donor, the missing page...
    Tealeaf: Bacon radio?
    Mr. Lomax: The radio ham. How much do you know about Hancock?
    Tealeaf: Not a lot. I saw that Will Smith film.
    Mr. Lomax: No, that was ridiculous! Totally miscast.

& Maureen: Remember, the pudding with the peanuts is the dish with the fish. The two that are blue are for me and for you.
    David: What about Emily?
    Maureen: Nothing rhymes with that, just give her a pear.

& Robin: Everything all right, David?
    David: Um, yeah. The two that are blue are for me and for you. This is the dish for Emily’s fish.
    Emily: Oh, I don’t want any pudding, thanks.
    David: Oh. So blue for the Robin and blue for the guest. You have the pear and I’ll have the rest.

& Robin: I think perhaps the dessert may have contained some nuts.
    Maureen: No, it was banana flavour!
    David: But wouldn’t you have died if you’d eaten nuts?
    Robin: No, it’s not an allergy, it’s a gastric reaction.

& Maureen: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Miss Tina Turner!


On Imdb.

Psychoville 2x1

& Mr. Jelly: I ordered Mr. Jolly, J-O-L-L-Y. You’ve sent me Jelly, J-E-L-L-Y... No, I’m Mr. Jelly, I’m not dead, I’m alive!

& Grace Andrews: Y something B, sweet potato?
    Kelvin: Sorry, ma’am?
    Grace: 15 across, Y something B, sweet potato.
    Kelvin: Ah, That’ll be a yam, ma’am.
    Grace: Yam?
    Kelvin: Yes, ma’am.
    Grace: Y-A-M?
    Kelvin: Yes, ma’am.
    Grace: So “agricultural term” isn’t “arable”. Shit!

& Grace: Well, I don’t like all this.
    Kelvin: Sorry, ma’am?
    Grace: All these bits of paper everywhere. I want to be like Judi Dench, doing this with things on a screen... We can do that, can’t we?
    Kelvin: We... can certainly look into it for you, ma’am. Yes.
    Grace: Good, because this is all too random. I want to feel like I’m in Minority Report, not a village post office.

& Tealeaf: Yeah, we had to get the train cos I’m not allowed to drive yet, isn’t that right, Mr. Lomax?
    Mr. Lomax: Eh?
    Tealeaf: I said I’m not allowed to drive.
    Mr. Lomax: Quarter past five, already? Thought I was a bit peckish**.

---

& Mr. Jelly: It was ridiculous. Jolly did his big speech about revenge for someone killing his mother, then out of nowhere she bursts in, babbling on about a locket or summat!
    Tealeaf: He didn’t even know she was alive!
    Mr. Jelly: We said this, didn’t we? Why did she wait two years to come back and tell him she wasn’t dead? I’m sorry, it was a pathetic ending.
    Mr. Lomax: Keep your voice down, Jelly! Apparently that pig’s been sniffing round again!
    Tealeaf: He’s already here, Mr. Lomax!
    Mr. Lomax: Eh?
    Tealeaf: The pig... He’s here.
    Mr. Lomax: Oh. Well, we don’t know anything about anything.

& Detective Finney: You said she was babbling about what, a locket?
    Mr. Jelly: Yeah.
    Tealeaf: No!
    Mr. Jelly: No. Just... What?
    Tealeaf: Her... pocket. She was going on about a clown’s pocket. It’s slang for big vagina.
    Mr. Jelly: Yeah. Like a wizard’s sleeve*.
    Mr. Lomax: A yawning donkey.

& Chuckles: Jelly, isn’t it?
    Mr. Jelly: No, I think it’s a trifle.
    Chuckles: No, I mean your clown name. Mr. Jelly.

& Dr. Flint: There is, however, some not-so-good news. When we performed the gastric irrigation and X-ray, we found something rather disturbing in your mother’s stomach.
    David: Not like Marc Almond?
    Dr. Flint: No, no, that’s just myth. Two pints, apparently, and some of it was equine*... No, what we found was a shadow on her pancreas which after further testing appears to be a malignant tumour.
    David: But she doesn’t like tuna.
    Dr. Flint: No, tumour. A cancer. Non-operable, I’m afraid.
    David: Oh... What does that mean?
    Dr. Flint: Well... you’re going to save money on Christmas presents.

& Chris: His name’s Shahrouz and he’s Iranian...
    Mother: Oh, my God!
    Chris: He’s a very gifted pianist and he came over here to study at the Guildhall.
    Mother: Oh, chucky butty! I am so happy for you.
    Chris: There’s a bit of a problem. He’s on a three-year student visa and it runs out next month. If we can’t get him a new one, that’s it. He’ll be deported. {...}
    Mother: I mean, you know me, Chris, I’m broad-minded. When I did the cruise ships, I shared a cabin with a lesbian fire-eater whose breath stank, by the way. Don’t ask me what of, cos I don’t know and I never asked. ... Shahrouz! Oh, Chris, he’s gorgeous!
    Chris: Yeah, he is. Will you marry him for me?

& Detective Finney: Thanks for your help, Jennifer. Don’t tell anyone I was here, will you?


-- Dict:
peckish — голодный; раздражительный
sleeve — рукав
equine — конский


On Imdb.

Psychoville, Halloween Special

& Nurse Kenchington: The problem with Halloween these days, is that people treat it like Christmas. It’s lost its true meaning. For instance, do you know the real reason that you’re wearing a mask?
    Sheep mask: Because you said my breath smelt?
    Nurse Kenchington: Well, yes, it does. But the real reason we doing masks at Halloween is to ward off evil spirits. It’s the one night of the year when the divide between the living and the dead is at its thinnest. Wearing a mask disguises us as dark spirits, and thus we avoid harm.
    Sheep mask: Where’s your mask then?
    Nurse Kenchington: Oh, I don’t need one.

& Drew: I’m sorry. I didn’t think.
    Nurse Kenchington: No. People rarely do.

& Nurse Kenchington: I don’t tell you this story in the hope of frightening you... but I’m afraid it probably will.

& — Nice costume.
    Mr. Jolly: It’s not a costume! These are me work clothes. It’s Halloween every day for some people, pal! Idiot.

& Little girl: Don’t you have any treats for us?
    Mr. Jolly: Don’t push your luck, kid, I’ve drowned bigger cats than you.

& Mr. Jolly: What time can you come round? Well, let me have a think. I was going to have me tea now so it’s not laying too heavy on my stomach.
    Then I was going to watch Exorcist 1 and Exorcist 3. I don’t bother with Exorcist 2, it’s shit.
    Then I’ll probably do the pots, just beans on toast, that’s just a pan and a plate.
    I think I’ll be ready for you by about midnight, the witching hour!
    And how much are we looking at? ... 80 quid! Yeah, go on then, I’ll treat myself. Perfect.

& Mr. Jolly: Are you deaf as well as stupid? I’m not involved in this night. Me no likey. Are you even doing trick or treat?

& Mr. Jolly: I want to make a complaint. I’ve got kids here tormenting* me. They put a rat in me Pringles and a load of beetles in my chocolate. What are you going to do about it?

& Janet: Boo!
    Mr. Jolly: Aargh!
    Janet: Sorry about that! I’m Janet.
    Mr. Jolly: Busty Janet?
    Janet: Well, what do you think? It’s nearly midnight and I’ve brought some pumpkins for you to play with. You’re my last trick of the night.
    Mr. Jolly: You’re my biggest treat.

& Mr. Jolly: So it says on your card you cater for all disabilities?
    Janet: Yeah, that’s right. They’re much more appreciative than most punters*. And they do all the work for me, especially the epileptics.

& Phil: What is all this stuff?
    Drew: Medical equipment mostly. There were rumours she used to do experiments on the patients.
    Phil: Like putting shampoo in the eyes?

& Joy: Oh, hello! Don’t mind me. Just pretend I’m not here. I won’t shake your hand as I’ve been elbow deep in wombs since 6 o’clock this morning.
    George: One of these days, somebody’s going to break their neck.

& George: Do I look like a pig, Joy?
    Joy: Sorry?
    George: Do I look like a pig?
    Joy: Well... sometimes when you’ve just stepped out of a hot bath...
    George: Why am I living in a pigsty?! You’ve got to keep on top of the cleaning! A place for everything and everything in its place!

---

& Joy: I’ll just clear away these breakfast things then.
    George: Just pop them in the recycling. ... No! No! No! No! No! You’ve put the shell in with the bread!
    Joy: But they’re both food, George.
    George: No, they are not! Bread goes in the green bin, biodegradables. Shell is like bones and goes in the...?
    Joy: Yellow?
    George: No, that’s plastics! Shell goes in black, general waste.
    Joy: Oh, what’s the red for again?
    George: How many more times? Paper and cardboard, magazines and newspapers, milk and juice cartons, tetrapaks and pizza boxes. Waxed paper, tissue paper, foam trays, tin foil...
    Joy: Tea bags.
    George: Not tea bags! They’re biodegradable.
    Joy: Blue?
    George: Green! Reduce, re-use, recycle!

& Joy: Now then, that’s better, isn’t it, my little Freddy Fruitcake? Everything’s nice and tidy, just the way that Daddy likes it. Reduced... re-used... and recycled. Happy Halloween.

& Tealeaf: Do you know how offensive this is?
    Mr. Lomax: I know, I know, it’s got an ink stain on the collar, but you’d never find one in mint condition, Tealeaf. It’s a very rare commodity. This is one of the only five remaining original Robertson’s Gollywogs. It’s priceless.
    Tealeaf: Where did you get it from?
    Mr. Lomax: I had to delve into the black market. No pun intended*.

& Mr. Lomax: Here, let me hold him. You’re going to come and stay with me aren’t you, Jamjar? I can’t wait to make you part of the family.
    Tealeaf: You’re worse than Madonna, you are.

& Mr. Lomax: Do you want a little tip, Jamjar? Bicarbonate of soda and half a teaspoon of vinegar. Pearly white for life.

& Mr. Lomax: Now then. Let’s see what we can see.

& Nurse Kenchington: Hello, David, how are we this evening?
    David: Can’t sleep.
    Nurse Kenchington: I’m not surprised. This young man fired 400 volts into your brain. ... I can smell a wet mattress, David, have you been having bad dreams again?.. Tell us about it. I’m sure the child would love to hear what’s going on in your head, wouldn’t you?

& David: Why couldn’t I go as Ed Gein?
    Maureen: No-one would have known who you were.
    David: Yes, they would. Texas Chainsaw Massacre. A belt of lady’s nipples and a silver vagina on my face.
    Maureen: And where were you going to get one of them?
    David: Could have made one?
    Maureen: Out of what?
    David: Chamois* leather.
    Maureen: David, you are not using my chamois as vaginas. You look good anyway as Frankenstein.
    David: Humph, Frankenstein is the Doctor and I am the creature.
    Maureen: Yeah, and I’m your bride.

& Drew: Are you the spirit of Edwina Kenchington?
    Nurse Kenchington: Yes. Well, I was. Not any more.


-- Dict:
torment — мучить; изводить; досаждать
punter — клиент проститутки; профессиональный игрок
pun — каламбур
chamois — серна; замша


On Imdb.

Psychoville 1x7

Ravenhill

& Nurse Kenchington: Isn't that right, little mouse?
    Robert: Yes, Miss Kenchington.
    Nurse Kenchington: I beg your pardon?
    Robert: Squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak.
    Nurse Kenchington: That's better.

& Simon on the front desk: How can I help you?
    David: I done five murders.

& Mr. Jelly: This is embarrassing.
    Claudia Wren: I'm not fussy. In the war we went in our neighbours' pots and pans.
    Mr. Jelly: Didn't you have a toilet?
    Claudia: Yes. We just didn't like the neighbours.

& Mr. Jelly: Hey, kid, give us that Topic. ... Come on, this lady needs it. I'll give you 50p. ... A pound, then. There's a pound in my pocket. Go on, you can have it. Go on, that's it, you had your hand on it, then. I know this must look funny.

& Mr. Lomax: That's one word for it. Of course, the doctors here gave it all kinds of fancy names - acute egopsychosis. Also known as Paradise Syndrome. It affects you when you've got everything you've ever wanted. And there's only one way of curing it. What the fucking hell did you do that for? I nearly died getting that for you! I first completed my collection in 1988. ...

& Joy: She's dead.
    David: Sorry. I brought you this. Don't know why.

& Claudia: What have you brought me here for? I don't want raping, thank you very much.

& Mr. Jelly: Hello?
    Claudia: Hello.
    Mr. Jelly: Not you!

& Claudia: She's a zomboid, I've seen a film about them.
    Mr. Jelly: Who are you, Van Helsing?

& A voice: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I've been waiting for this moment for a very long time.

---

& Mr. Lomax: Sorry, sorry, carry on with your speech.
    The voice: It's not a speech! You've ruined it now, anyway.
    Joy: Oh, don't say that, I'm enjoying it! I'm really smiling.

& The voice: The reason I've gathered all of you here - nearly all of you...

& Joy: Go on, little mouse. You do the honours.
    Robert: My pleasure.

& The voice: You killed her.
    Mr. Lomax: Well, what if we did? She deserved it. She was an evil old bitch, you don't know what she was like.
    The voice: Oh, I do, Mr Lomax. I know exactly what she was like. Because that "evil old bitch"...

& Robert: Kerry? Who are you talking to?..
    Kerry: Grandma! I'm gonna need some help.

& David: I've done bad things since I was let in the world. Too many bad things. I wish I could mend what happened.
    Nurse Kenchington's voice: Get me out, then.
    David: Pardon?!
    Nurse Kenchington's voice: I said, get me out.
    David: Speak up. Are you in there?
    Nurse Kenchington's voice: Dig for me, David. Dig for me.

& Nurse Kenchington's voice: Free me, David. Free me from this torment.
    David: Now, you're not going to get me, are you?
    Nurse Kenchington's voice: Let me see...
    David: ....... Do you want me to kiss you?

& David: What are you doing? You're supposed to be dead.
    Nurse Kenchington: Oh, no, David, I'm very much alive. It's you who are dead.

& Mr. Lomax: David. He was always the weakest link, goodbye.

& Mr. Jolly / Dr. Strachan / Stuart: MUMMY! Look.
    Nurse Kenchington: You idiot!

& David: I knew there was a reason I brought this.


+ on Imdb.



And this was

The End of Season One

Psychoville 1x6

Robert

& Debbie: Hi! Smiler, Snoozey, Sniffley... Oh, it’s all coming back to me now.
    Kerry: We heard that the bump had affected your memory.
    Debbie: Well, it’s funny cos I can remember all my lines and all my phone numbers and stuff. I just can’t remember being engaged to Robert.
    Kerry: Engaged?!

& Michael: If I get it, do you promise to give me and Kelly Su a chance?
    Chelsea Crabtree: Yes.
    Kelly Su Crabtree: And you won’t come between us?
    Chelsea Crabtree: I’ll do me best.

& Michael: All right, then. I won’t be a minute.
    Chelsea Crabtree: Wait! Wait a second. I’ll get it. We wouldn’t want lover boy here to do anything stupid now, would we? You two, wait here!
    Kelly Su Crabtree: I’ll come with you if you like.
    Chelsea Crabtree: Yeah... all right.

& Nicola: George?.. What do you mean, you can’t find her? You can’t miss her. She weighs 50 stone. Oh, for God’s sake, George!

& Mr. Jelly: Do you all remember the magic word?
    Old man: Wipe my bum.
    Mr. Jelly: No, not “wipe my bum”. Iggy, piggy, smelly, belly, do some magic for Mr. Jelly! {...} Now then, I’m going to do some escapology for you now. Do you know what that means?
    Old man: Wipe my bum.

& Maureen: Come on, get your coat on. We’re gonna go and buy one of those indoor barbecues.
    David: What for?
    Maureen: Well, it’s our last one today, isn’t it? I thought we could eat her special. What do you think?.. I’ve bought red onions.
    David: Mum, that’s disgusting.
    Maureen: Why?
    David: I don’t like red onions.

& David: It’s got to stop!
    Maureen: “I shan’t quit ripping till I do get buckled.” You know who said that?.. Exactly! And they never caught him, did they?

& David: I’ll go to the police.
    Maureen: You wouldn’t dare. You couldn’t anyway.
    David: Yes, I could. 999, Letsby Avenue. That’s where they live.
    Maureen: Yeah. All right then, David. You go and tell them. I’ll see you later.

& Lorraine: Hello? What you thinking of cooking?
    Maureen: Um... bit of leg.
    Lorraine: Leg of...
    Maureen: ...pork.
    Lorraine: That should be fine. They get really hot. You’re David’s mum, aren’t you?
    Maureen: Yeah. And you are?
    Lorraine: Lorraine. “Happy to help.”

---

& Mrs. Wren: What’s he got? Is it a vibrator?
    Mr. Jelly: What do you know about vibrators?!
    Mrs. Wren: Mrs. Price has got one. Buzzing away every night. Her daughter brings her the batteries... Double A’s... Bag after bag.

& Debbie: We’ve been on holiday together, look.
    Kerry: But these have been sellotaped together!
    Debbie: I know. We had a row and I tore it up, apparently.
    Kerry: But half of it’s sand and half of it’s snow!
    Debbie: I think that’s what the row was about.

& Robert: Get away, Kerry. I think you’ve done enough damage for one day.
    Kerry: Robert... I was just telling Debbie...
    Robert: What?! That I’m mad? That I killed a woman? That I have special powers?!
    Kerry: No, we were just talking about the snow beach.

& Robert: Don’t make me angry, Kerry. You know what I’m capable of. ... Kerry..?
    Kerry: It was never you, Robert. It’s always been me.

& Kerry: You love me, Robert. Tell me you love me.
    Robert: Never!
    Kerry: Tell me you love me!
    Debbie: This is actually quite frightening now.
    Robert: All right, I love you. Now let her go.
    Kerry: You don’t mean it. Say it like you mean it, or this next one goes through her heart.
    Debbie: I don’t think he’s that good an actor, Kerry.
    Robert: Kerry. I do love you. But I love Debbie more.

& Joy: Right, then. We’re all set. So, here we go.
    Nicola: What’s going on?
    Joy: Blood transfusion, Nicola. You should know that — you are a nurse. Poor Freddy needs all the blood he can get. And you’re gonna give it to him. Every... last... drop.
    Nicola: Joy. Please! You’re killing me. Don’t... Don’t do this.
    Joy: Don’t think of it as killing you. Think of is as saving Freddy. Look! He’s already got the color coming back into his cheeks.


On Imdb.

Psychoville 1x5

Joy

& Bob Dalton: How do you go to the toilet? I’m assuming each of you has your own anus? Is it equal or does one go more than the other?
    Mr. Lomax: Oh, do you mind?!
    Bob Dalton: I’m interested. We don’t get a lot of this kind of thing in Dudley.

& Nurse: Ah, you’re are awake. I’ll get Doctor Mekos. Your boyfriend’s got to leave now.
    Debbie: Boyfriend?
    Robert: ... Yeah... I’m your boyfriend.
    Debbie: How long?
    Robert: About...
    Debbie: No, I mean, how long have we been together?
    Robert: Oh, two years.
    Debbie: Really? Lucky me.

& John George Haigh: So, what did you want to see me about?
    David: You know I done that bad murder at the hotel?
    Haigh: Yes, and do you know we’ve lost business with that hotel now. They won’t have us back. Fancy you smearing the walls with your own excrement! You could have used Nutella, it’s exactly the same.
    David: First we went to see Graham. He wanted to call the police...
    Haigh: Yes, well, since Graham’s unfortunate accident, I’m in charge of the company so you can deal with me from now on.
    David: Then we went to see Cheryl. She had a big mouth. ... And then we went to see Martin. He got all choked up.
    Haigh: He was only ever good for playing dead bodies.
    David: Now we’ve come to see you.

& Haigh: This is a perfect place to do a murder.
    David: Yeah... it is.

---

& Joy: George. No! George!
    Freddy Fruitcake: Dada dead.

& George: Well, done, Freddy. And that’s the end of silly old Mummy.
    Freddy Fruitcake: Silly old Mummy...
    George: Come and give Dada a kiss!

& Nurse Edwina Kenchington: How’s my little mouse this morning? Oh, it hasn’t eaten its cheese.
    Robert: I don’t like cheese, Nurse Kenchington! Can I have some other food, please?
    Nurse Kenchington: I’m starving. Squeak, squeak. Nothing but cheese for this little mouse.

& Maureen: So what did you do then?
    David: Um... strangle.
    Maureen: Strangle? What a waste, I thought you’d have had more fun with it with all this at your fingertips.

& Bob Dalton: So when one of you’s having sex, what do you do with the other one? Do you just chuck a duvet over it?
    Kelly Su Crabtree: No, we come apart with Velcro.
    Bob Dalton: Oh, that’s handy.


On Imdb.

Psychoville 1x4

David and Maureen

& David: How do we know he’s dead?
    Maureen: Course he’s dead! Look at that face. What would you say that is, like a royal blue? Or a duck-egg blue?
    David: Cornflower.
    Maureen: Yeah, well, he’s brown bread now, isn’t he? Dead.

& Maureen: What shall we do? Leave him here or dump him in the canal?
    David: Leave him.
    Maureen: We could chop him up in the bath, if that’d make you feel better. Like Donald Neilson.
    David: Dennis Nilsen! Donald Neilson was the Black Panther! Totally different murderer!

& David: Test me on the poisoners.
    Maureen: Not now, David.
    David: I want it! Which poisoner killed the most victims?
Maureen: I know why you’re doing this and I’m not going down that road again.
    David: Answer: Marcel Petiot, 27. Which doctor administered lethal doses of hydrobromide?
    Maureen: I dunno. Dr. Legg off EastEnders.
    David: Answer: Dr. Hawley Harvey Crippen. {...} Who murdered her seven-year-old stepson with rat poison?.. Answer: Mary Ann Cotton.
    Maureen: I’m not listening!
    David: Which cross-eyed serial killer murdered Matilda Clover and was hanged on November 19th, 1892?.. Answer: Dr Thomas Neill Cream. And who put 39 sleeping pills in his dad’s Smash? Answer: David Sowerbutts! ... I was trying to help him! He looked so tired. I wanted to help him sleep.
    Maureen: You certainly did that.

---

& Jason Griffin: Mr. Pike?.. Martin Pike, are you all right? I can see you. Could you let me in, please?.. You’re turning towards me now. ... Standing on one leg. ... Scratching your left ear. ... Right ear. Swimming, is it?.. Flying! Yes, I’m pretty sure I can see you.

& Griffin: We spoke on the telephone.
    David: That’s right.
    Griffin: I’m glad you’re in. I was beginning to think I’d got the wrong address.
    David: This is my correct home.
    Griffin: You’ve a lovely flat. Have you been here long?
    David: About ten minutes.
    Griffin: Sorry?
    David: Years! Ten years. My mum died and left it to me in her last will and ornaments.
    Griffin: Testaments.
    David: I think she did.

& Maureen: Who’s for a nice cup of tea, then? I’m ever so sorry. I’m Mrs Pike, I’m Martin’s mum.
    Griffin: But Mr. Pike was just telling me that you were... Well, dead.
    Maureen: .......... The other one. The other mum. The poor one! It’s like Blood Brothers.

& Maureen: Would you like a tea, Mr...
    Griffin: Oh, yes, please. Chief Inspector Griffin.
    Maureen: As in... police inspector, not... parking meters?
    Griffin: If only it was so frivolous! No, I was just saying, Mrs. Pike, I’m in the area investigating a recent series of murders.
    Maureen: Shitting heaven!

& Griffin: We have nothing to go on. No DNA, no forensics. But we’ll get there. We’ll bait our traps and wait patiently for the perpetrator to slip up, which they always do. Make no mistake. Whoever committed these murders will swing for it.
    David: You can’t hang murderers! Not since Allen and Evans in 1964.
    Griffin: Of course, I was speaking metaphorically.

& Maureen: Go and get the inspector a biscuit, Martin. There’s some chocolate Hobnobs in the cupboard.
    David: Whereabouts?
    Maureen: In the cupboard. Next to the knife drawer.
    David: What drawer?
    Maureen: The knife drawer.
    David: What drawer?
    Maureen: Knife drawer.
    David: Oh, the knife drawer.

& Maureen: He won’t be long. Shall we sit soft?

& David: Gloves! ... Forgot my gloves.
    Maureen: He’s... allergic to chocolates... the Hobnobs. A Mars Bar would kill him.

& David: ... Hobnob?
    Griffin: Thank you.
    David: I brought a knife in case you only wanted half.
    Griffin: I’ll be naughty and have a whole one.

& Griffin: I was just saying to your mother, Martin, the police are looking for someone with a vendetta.
    David: So he likes ice cream?
    Maureen: He means a grudge, Martin, someone you’ve P’d off.
    Griffin: Speaking of which, do you mind if I quickly use your bathroom?
    Maureen: No, that’s fine.
    Griffin: Thank you. Whereabouts...
    Maureen: Yes, it’s... through there and up the stairs and... you know... the usual.
    Griffin: OK. So, left or right?
    Maureen: ...........
    Griffin: Where is it?
    David: Follow the smell.

& Maureen: I blame meself for what happened.
    Griffin: You don’t have to say anything without a lawyer being present.
    Maureen: It’s too late for that. David’s dad died when he was ten years old. He was poisoned. David put sleeping pills in his food. But that wasn’t what killed him. It was me.
    Griffin: You?!
    Maureen: I’d been poisoning him for weeks. He used to beat me, you see, Inspector. It’s what people did before they had tellys. One day, I just snapped. I filled the salt cellar with caustic soda. Watched him sprinkle his way to a slow and painful death. David could see him getting weaker and weaker. He thought he was helping him out, giving him a rest. But those sleeping pills were the final straw. He never woke up... And I let David take the blame. All those years, in and out of mental hospitals, struggling with the guilt. I just sat at home and played me Bontempi. He’s my monster, Inspector. I created him.
    Griffin: Sorry, is this still part of the improv? I’m not trying to block you, but I’m really confused now.


+ on Imdb.

Psychoville 1x3

Jelly

& Mr. Jelly: I didn’t do anything! It wasn’t me! I never killed anyone! Please! Please! I can’t play it! I’ve only got DVD. I’ve not had tapes since Shawshank Redemption.

& Maureen: Poor Graham. Flat as a pancake...
    David: Do you mind? I’m eating a pancake.

& Maureen: We should count ourselves lucky he went under that bus, or else he’d have gone to the police. Did anyone else apart from him see you do that murder?
    David: Him, him and her.
    Maureen: That’s three more witnesses we’ve got to get rid of. Plus the two you’ve already killed. That makes five!
    David: Can we not do six?
    Maureen: Why?
    David: Six makes us proper serial killers. Five’s just mass murder.
    Maureen: You’re never satisfied, are you, David?

---

& George: I can’t keep this up much longer. How do you think I feel when people come round to the house and see this?
    Joy: Proud, I hope. Just because Freddy is special needs...
    George: What special needs?! A boil wash twice a week?
    Joy: Daddy’s just being silly now, isn’t he, Freddy? He knows perfectly well that you’re hand-wash only.

& George: Joy, please, whoever sent this tape knows that you were put away. They know what you did.
    Joy: I was ill, George. Ill. And I’m better now. No-one’s got anything on me. I’m ashamed of nothing.
    George: I know you’re not ashamed, but you’re not well, Joy.

& Joy: If God won’t give me another child, then I’ll be God. I don’t need you or your useless seed.
    George: You don’t know what you’re saying.
    Joy: No-one said bringing up a child would be easy.

& Maureen: Is that nearly ready, Jill?
    Miss McGinnis: What is that?
    Maureen: That’s our... portable electrolysis machine. We’ll soon have all your hair off.

& David: Ma’am? I mean, Maggie Forbes?
    Maureen: What?!
    David: Plastic chair. Plastic chair, it won’t work.
    Maureen: All right, if we could just scooch you over to this chair, please, Cheryl.
    Miss McGinnis: Well, it’s not as comfortable. It’s where I sit my clients.
    Maureen: Well, it won’t be for long.
    Miss McGinnis: I don’t like the look of those.
    Maureen: It’s nothing. We just give your hairy patches a blast of electric to kill off all those unwanted follicles.
    Miss McGinnis: I would rather do this with a cream...
    Maureen: No, you wouldn’t. You never know what they’ve put in a cream.
    David: Electric’s electric.

& Mr. Lomax: Just because I’m blind, doesn’t make me stupid!


On Imdb.

__ Mr. Jelly, the clown, somehow sagged. Yeah, he gave another clue. But it was a sorry sight.

Psychoville 1x2

Lomax

& Old Man: Nine across is “you”.
    Old Woman: “Small, round vegetable”?!

& Mr. Lomax: How many more toy... commodities do you need?
    Michael Fry: Just the one, Tea Leaf! And you are going to help me find him.

& Mr. Lomax: Can you see him?.. He’s the one. Snappy the Crocodile.

& Theater director Christopher Biggins: So, Debbie, you’ll enter on your usual spot, downstage right.
    Debbie: Didn’t I enter the other side before?
    Biggins: Goodies stage right, baddies stage left.

& Biggins: Right, now, where are my dwarfs? There. Come along, in a line. Hurry up, less of that, here we go, splendid. Let’s get you in height order from smallest to... least small.

& Biggins: Bashful*? Where’s Bashful?
    Robert: It’s Blusher*.
    Biggins: I forgot. We can’t use the Disney names. Isn’t it fucking ridiculous? How can you copyright the word “happy”?

& Biggins: Anyway, Flusher, Blusher, whatever, I want you to suddenly stop and you to bump into him, you to bump into him, you bump into him... and then you all fall down. Right. Let’s see that. Here we go. And... That’s it, nice big smiles! ... Wave to the audience, gorgeous, lovely. Fabulous! You see, as an audience, we are on your side already because we’ve seen you humiliated,.. for want of a better word.

---

& Michael Fry: How come no-one else is bidding on it?
    Mr. Lomax: 25 million things for sale on eBay, Tea Leaf. You’ve got to know where to look. You see the listing?
    Michael Fry: “Toy Aligater”?
    Mr. Lomax: Spelt wrong. Probably a kid having a clear out. That’s how I found Humps the Kamell, a K and two Ls.

& Maureen: Come off it, I’m not thick. I know what you’re after.
    Graham: I never laid a finger on her. I went through all this at court. I was... standing behind her... eating an egg salad sandwich, when some of it accidentally splashed into her hair. And no, I can’t explain the DNA report.

& Mr. Lomax: What is it now?
    Michael Fry: £2.79.
    Mr. Lomax: Go £2.80. No, £2.89! Let’s throw caution to the wind.
    Michael Fry: Why don’t you just bid 100 or 1,000 or something, scare the others off?
    Mr. Lomax: Never show your hand until the dying seconds, Tealeaf. Besides, the seller might pull the auction if he thinks it’s worth something.

& Maureen: What’s that one that you like? Piccalilli?
    David: Andrei Chikatilo.
    Maureen: That’s him. What was he, stabbings?

& David: Stop! Mum! He’s getting away!
    Maureen: Get after him! If he goes to the police... Never mind, we’re all right.

& Maureen: Look... He did have Matey. Why to lie!


-- Dict:
Bashful — Застенчивый; робкий; конфузливый
Blusher — Румяна

+ on Imdb.

Psychoville 1x1

Blackmail

& Mr. Lomax: Get your claw out of my Holy of Holies!

& Joy Aston: I actually prefer this video because unlike some of the others it shows the sheer bloody pain of it! And as I always say, you gotta split the pod* to get the peas* out. {...} I ask you not to fast forward through the contractions, please, because after all, you can’t do that in real life. So anyway, after hours and hours and hours of screaming agony, this is what you get.

& Some future dad: It’s only a doll!
    Joy: Not for much longer. Not for much longer.

& Mr. Jelly: This is always happening to me. Why can’t people read?
    Some mom: It doesn’t matter. You’re still a children’s entertainer, aren’t you?
    Mr. Jelly: No, I’m Dr Harold Shipman! Course I’m a fucking children’s entertainer! What do you think this is, a tattoo?
Some mom: Well, we were hoping for a Princess Party. Is that something...?
    Mr. Jelly: I’ve got one act and one act only! Mr. Jelly and his Hundred Hands. There’s not actually 100. There’s 16. They’re all in that bag. Kids never count them, they’re all too thick. I do balloons, magic, bubbles, stories.
    Some mom: Princess stories?..
    Mr. Jelly: Can do, if the princess has hooks instead of hands.

& Mr. Lomax: Did they tell you what your duties are?
    Michael Fry: They said I had to read to you, do your paperwork.
    Mr. Lomax: And the rest!

& Michael Fry: There’s some letters here. Want me to read them?
    Mr. Lomax: Is there anything from NASA?!

---

& Michael Fry: £2,576,319.
    Mr. Lomax: Pence?
    Michael Fry: Four.
    Mr. Lomax: Good. Lot of money, in’t it, Tealeaf? I bet you’re wondering how I came by it. Let’s just say I deal in certain commodities. Very valuable commodities. Are you not going to ask me what commodities?
    Michael Fry: What commodities?
    Mr. Lomax: I’m not telling you!

& Michael Fry: What is it?
    Mr. Lomax: It’s them.

& Brian: “I know what you did.” What’s it mean? What did you do?
    Robert: All I can think of is...when I was young, I did a silly thing... I needed the money.
    Brian: Not dwarf porn?
    Robert: How did you know?!
    Brian: I’m a woman of the world, remember! I have instincts. I wonder if I’ve seen it... what was it called?
    Robert: Whore White and the Seven Dicks... I played Stiffy.
    Brian: Not Bashful then!

& Brian: Robert, you’re being paranoid. This is nothing. I had death threats as Mother Goose, and it wasn’t golden eggs I was laying, I can tell you!

& David: Come... come, look. Look at it. See! The murderer has written “Fuck Pig” using his — or her — own excrement. Could be a clue!
    Graham: David! What have you done?!
    David: The victim has been disembowelled. See the entrails hanging down.
    Graham: Hurry up, I’m getting dizzy.
    David: Shuddup! Look at this! This is semen! All over the floor! And this, covered in the victim’s blood.
    Graham: David! Stop it now!
    David: But the murderer is still at large!
    ’Victim’: Can someone get me down, me legs are numb!

& Graham: David, go home. We gave you a chance but it isn’t working out. {...} Don’t bother coming back!
    David: This is not my last murder.
    — Shall we skip to the coffee?

& Joy: I’m gonna warm his bockie. I think he might have dirtied himself, George.
    George Aston: ....... Daddy change it. Daddy change Freddy’s nap-nap.

& Mr. Jelly: I got your letter, Jolly! And I know what you did too!

& Mr. Lomax: Congratulations, Tealeaf. I knew you’d be the one.

& David: Sorry, Mum. I did a bad murder.


-- Dict:
split — разделить
pod — стручок
peas — горох

+ on Imdb.