Psychoville, Halloween Special

& Nurse Kenchington: The problem with Halloween these days, is that people treat it like Christmas. It’s lost its true meaning. For instance, do you know the real reason that you’re wearing a mask?
    Sheep mask: Because you said my breath smelt?
    Nurse Kenchington: Well, yes, it does. But the real reason we doing masks at Halloween is to ward off evil spirits. It’s the one night of the year when the divide between the living and the dead is at its thinnest. Wearing a mask disguises us as dark spirits, and thus we avoid harm.
    Sheep mask: Where’s your mask then?
    Nurse Kenchington: Oh, I don’t need one.

& Drew: I’m sorry. I didn’t think.
    Nurse Kenchington: No. People rarely do.

& Nurse Kenchington: I don’t tell you this story in the hope of frightening you... but I’m afraid it probably will.

& — Nice costume.
    Mr. Jolly: It’s not a costume! These are me work clothes. It’s Halloween every day for some people, pal! Idiot.

& Little girl: Don’t you have any treats for us?
    Mr. Jolly: Don’t push your luck, kid, I’ve drowned bigger cats than you.

& Mr. Jolly: What time can you come round? Well, let me have a think. I was going to have me tea now so it’s not laying too heavy on my stomach.
    Then I was going to watch Exorcist 1 and Exorcist 3. I don’t bother with Exorcist 2, it’s shit.
    Then I’ll probably do the pots, just beans on toast, that’s just a pan and a plate.
    I think I’ll be ready for you by about midnight, the witching hour!
    And how much are we looking at? ... 80 quid! Yeah, go on then, I’ll treat myself. Perfect.

& Mr. Jolly: Are you deaf as well as stupid? I’m not involved in this night. Me no likey. Are you even doing trick or treat?

& Mr. Jolly: I want to make a complaint. I’ve got kids here tormenting* me. They put a rat in me Pringles and a load of beetles in my chocolate. What are you going to do about it?

& Janet: Boo!
    Mr. Jolly: Aargh!
    Janet: Sorry about that! I’m Janet.
    Mr. Jolly: Busty Janet?
    Janet: Well, what do you think? It’s nearly midnight and I’ve brought some pumpkins for you to play with. You’re my last trick of the night.
    Mr. Jolly: You’re my biggest treat.

& Mr. Jolly: So it says on your card you cater for all disabilities?
    Janet: Yeah, that’s right. They’re much more appreciative than most punters*. And they do all the work for me, especially the epileptics.

& Phil: What is all this stuff?
    Drew: Medical equipment mostly. There were rumours she used to do experiments on the patients.
    Phil: Like putting shampoo in the eyes?

& Joy: Oh, hello! Don’t mind me. Just pretend I’m not here. I won’t shake your hand as I’ve been elbow deep in wombs since 6 o’clock this morning.
    George: One of these days, somebody’s going to break their neck.

& George: Do I look like a pig, Joy?
    Joy: Sorry?
    George: Do I look like a pig?
    Joy: Well... sometimes when you’ve just stepped out of a hot bath...
    George: Why am I living in a pigsty?! You’ve got to keep on top of the cleaning! A place for everything and everything in its place!

---

& Joy: I’ll just clear away these breakfast things then.
    George: Just pop them in the recycling. ... No! No! No! No! No! You’ve put the shell in with the bread!
    Joy: But they’re both food, George.
    George: No, they are not! Bread goes in the green bin, biodegradables. Shell is like bones and goes in the...?
    Joy: Yellow?
    George: No, that’s plastics! Shell goes in black, general waste.
    Joy: Oh, what’s the red for again?
    George: How many more times? Paper and cardboard, magazines and newspapers, milk and juice cartons, tetrapaks and pizza boxes. Waxed paper, tissue paper, foam trays, tin foil...
    Joy: Tea bags.
    George: Not tea bags! They’re biodegradable.
    Joy: Blue?
    George: Green! Reduce, re-use, recycle!

& Joy: Now then, that’s better, isn’t it, my little Freddy Fruitcake? Everything’s nice and tidy, just the way that Daddy likes it. Reduced... re-used... and recycled. Happy Halloween.

& Tealeaf: Do you know how offensive this is?
    Mr. Lomax: I know, I know, it’s got an ink stain on the collar, but you’d never find one in mint condition, Tealeaf. It’s a very rare commodity. This is one of the only five remaining original Robertson’s Gollywogs. It’s priceless.
    Tealeaf: Where did you get it from?
    Mr. Lomax: I had to delve into the black market. No pun intended*.

& Mr. Lomax: Here, let me hold him. You’re going to come and stay with me aren’t you, Jamjar? I can’t wait to make you part of the family.
    Tealeaf: You’re worse than Madonna, you are.

& Mr. Lomax: Do you want a little tip, Jamjar? Bicarbonate of soda and half a teaspoon of vinegar. Pearly white for life.

& Mr. Lomax: Now then. Let’s see what we can see.

& Nurse Kenchington: Hello, David, how are we this evening?
    David: Can’t sleep.
    Nurse Kenchington: I’m not surprised. This young man fired 400 volts into your brain. ... I can smell a wet mattress, David, have you been having bad dreams again?.. Tell us about it. I’m sure the child would love to hear what’s going on in your head, wouldn’t you?

& David: Why couldn’t I go as Ed Gein?
    Maureen: No-one would have known who you were.
    David: Yes, they would. Texas Chainsaw Massacre. A belt of lady’s nipples and a silver vagina on my face.
    Maureen: And where were you going to get one of them?
    David: Could have made one?
    Maureen: Out of what?
    David: Chamois* leather.
    Maureen: David, you are not using my chamois as vaginas. You look good anyway as Frankenstein.
    David: Humph, Frankenstein is the Doctor and I am the creature.
    Maureen: Yeah, and I’m your bride.

& Drew: Are you the spirit of Edwina Kenchington?
    Nurse Kenchington: Yes. Well, I was. Not any more.


-- Dict:
torment — мучить; изводить; досаждать
punter — клиент проститутки; профессиональный игрок
pun — каламбур
chamois — серна; замша


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