Veruca: It’s the last time, I swear. ... Danny is so sweet and considerate. And he’s gonna be a cardiologist. So, I’m marrying him... and that zucchini in the middle of his face...
— His parents are disgusting, too!
— Close your eyes when he’s on top!
— And your thighs!
Eddie: Cuz, I’m so sorry.
Danny: Yikes, that hurt. That was me, Danny Maccabee, 20 years ago.
& — ... Why don’t you just leave her?
Danny: The children. All 14 of them. I just, I like to adopt, and... I don’t wanna stop doing that.
— You poor guy. You wanna get outta here?
Danny: And so I discovered the power of the wedding ring. The symbol of my humiliation had become a tool to get back on the horse.
& Eddie: Oh, my gosh. Brows gone wild over here. I’m actually digging it. And what are you doing later?
Kirsten Brant: Oh, sorry, I’m kind of seeing anybody else.
Eddie: Oh, browch. My gosh. Look, I don’t know who you’re seeing, but whoever they are, they don’t have what this guy’s got down there, you know what I mean?
Danny: All right, Eddie. Yeah, it’s a very good one. I should know, I installed it.
Kirsten: Oh, you had a penile enlargement?!
Eddie: Yes. People really do that? That is hilarious!
& Danny: All right. I hate to rat the guy out, but see that guy over there?
Palmer: You mean Sexy Ass?
Danny: Before I met him, he was No Buns Bobby.
& Palmer: What’s this?
Danny: A circle?
& Katherine: Palmer! Hi. Devlin Maccabee. Soon to be, single-abee.
& Katherine: Waiter! Excuse me. Anybody?
Waiter: Yes, yes. Something to drink, madam?
Katherine: Well, hello. I would like a tall glass of you. Is that possible? Meow! I’m just kidding. Unless you’re really into it. Kidding again. No, I’m not. Grey Goose martinis, just keep ’em coming. Okay. Ooh! Make that a dirty martini. Okay?
& Katherine: Well, so, Palmer. I heard you and Danny had sex.
Palmer: Yes. I am so sorry, I had...
Katherine: Please, honey, it is fine. I’m just happy to hear that his thing-a-ding can still ring-a-ding. ’Cause he’s got a serious small issue. With ED. Over here.
& Katherine: Palmer, so lovely to meet you. Likewise, really. I mean, look at you two. I mean, it’s like, Barbie and... Yes. Grandpa Ken.
& Danny: Have a seat right there, Mrs. Harrington. Remove your shirt, if you could.
& Maggie: The first rule of improv is always accept the information. If someone says something, just go with it. No negating.
Danny: Gotcha. That sounds good, that’s smart.
Maggie: In my acting class, when someone says “No” in a scene, the whole class yells, “Die!” {...} Who’s up for some warm-up exercises?
& Palmer: So, Bart, your dad tells me you like to go to the bathroom.
Michael: When I feel it, I do it.
& Katherine: I don’t believe that just happened.
Danny: I like that you need me. How’s that make you feel?
Katherine: Please, it feels like a car door just slowly shut on my soul.
& Danny: Why did you wake me up?
Palmer: Because, Grandpa, I signed us up for the all-day adventure tour. We’re gonna go hiking in the rainforest, and kayaking down rivers and swimming under waterfalls.
Danny: Swimming. I hope you mean skinny-dipping.
Palmer: I’m gonna suggest swimming. I, however, am fine with some man nudity, Danny.
& Danny: Okay, so Swiss Family nightmare is coming with us. That’s so we can bond?
Palmer: Oh, that’ll be great!
& Maggie: It’s bloody breathtaking out here!
& Eddie: The pig is eating my body!
& Katherine: Listen, if anything happens and you need any... And I mean anything, you have to call me.
Danny: I’m good at this, I swear to you. I used to baby-sit Eddie when we were children.
Katherine: So, Eddie is your fault?
& Danny: All right, now, let’s just laugh at something I say, because I’m a funny dad. You’re very close with me, and you think I’m funny, and...
Michael: Why are we always laughing? Is there something wrong with us?
& Michael: It took my friend a whole summer to learn how to swim. How’re you gonna teach me so quick?
Danny: I’m gonna do it the same way my grandfather taught me...
Eddie: Don’t worry. It took Grandpa eight hours to teach us... It was a nightmare... But there’s two of us here now, and we’re sober.
& Danny: If you get there without touching the bottom, we’ll give you a dolphin cookie.
Michael: Is that what your grandpa gave you?
Eddie: No, Grandpa gave us something he’d call a Heineken.
Michael: I want one of those.
Danny: No. Stick with the dolphin cookie.
& Eddie: Is that a real sheep? Okay. Yes, um... Hello... Yes?.. Yes, in my expert opinion, that sheep is dead. I’m very sorry. Let’s go eat. Okay, show’s over. Let’s go.
— Oh! He’s still alive! Please, you have to do something!
Eddie: Oh, shit on me!
& Danny: I love your smile. That smile is the magic. When I’m in the operating room all I think about is, “All right, 20 more minutes, I get to see the smile.” It’s just like... It starts my day, that smile.
& Devlin: Your virtue, your intelligence, your passion.
Ian Maxtone Jones: Your beauty, your drive, and your womanhood.
& Ian: Your honesty, your fearlessness, and your tickle spot.
Devlin: Your creativity, your bravery, and your taffy nipples.
& If you touch the coconut, you are disqualified. Okay. Ready? One, two, three, get coconutty!
& Ian: Have you got it to your mouth yet, Boo-Boo?
Devlin: Stop putting your ass in my face!
& — Great teamwork, guys. How long have you two been married?
Katherine: Eight years.
Danny: Ten years.
Danny: Ten years.
Katherine: Eight.
Katherine: Very long time.
Danny: A very long time.
& Devlin: So, where’s Danny?
Katherine: Devlin... Danny’s at his wedding.
Devlin: Come again?
Katherine: I was never married to him. All a big lie that I made up.
Devlin: Why?
Katherine: ’Cause I couldn’t stand the thought of you knowing the truth. So, yeah, I’m a single mother... I have two kids that I love more than anything in the world... I drive a Honda. Still have dial-up internet. I got a 2.7 GPA in college, not a 3.4. And while I’m at it telling the truth, I named my kids’ poop after you.
+ on Imdb.
__ Adam Sandlers' movie @ his best. + Aniston. + Kidman. Yummy!
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