Skins 2x2

Sketch

Season 2, Episode 2

& # Once I was a lonely banker
    # All I cared for were margins and accounts
    # I’d pass you on the phone each morning
    # I knew one day that love would sprout
    # Then came the day Osama blew us away
    # Osama blew them away
    # And now I know how I feel.
    # Then came the day Osama blew us away
    # Osama blew them away
    # Then came the day Osama blew us away
    # Osama blew them away
    # Then came the day...

& Bruce: Do you know what this is? This is my script and I’m burning it! And do you know why? Becau... Because... You know I’ve burnt my... Thing... Because you made it shit!

& Bruce: Do you know what we’re doing here? Do you?.. This is an opportunity, a real opportunity, to tell the tragedy of my people.
    Michelle: You’re American?
    Bruce: Yes, I am. Metaphorically.

& Sid: Not everyone’s as desperate for sex as you, Anwar.
    Maxxie: Sid!
    Anwar: No, he’s right. See these hands, fucking friction burns, man! My sisters are getting suspicious about their disappearing hand cream.

& Sid: How many films have you seen, Chris?
    Chris: Counting porn?.. One. Driving Miss Daisy. It’s a classic. Interestingly, they did make a porn version of the film — it was called Fisting Miss Daisy. It’s a really good film. Really stood up to the original. Phenomenal.

& Anwar: You think either of them’s actually seen Star Wars? You reckon they know Luke’s her brother?

& Lucy: Mr Gelpart. {...} I want to act.
    Bruce: Yeah, well who doesn’t? {...} Oh, my dear... Acting is about truth. Truth is about beauty. Ugly people lack believability. Now, how can I put this kindly? You look like a liar.

---

& Anwar: Come on, Bruce. Where the goodies at? Whoa! Shit! If Bruce can get laid, anyone can.
    Maxxie: What’s the plan then, Rambo?
    Anwar: It’s an ancient dating strategy for getting laid. Mark yourself out of ten, and then aim two points below. An eight, goes for a six. That way, guaranteed success. Look, a poodle doesn’t get nothing with a labrador, but if he aims for a chihuahua?.. Woof!

& Maxxie: So what number are you then, hound-dog?
    Anwar: A seven. ... A six?! ... I’m not a five! Am I a five?
    Maxxie: Mate. You’re a seven. Course you are.
    Anwar: Yeah, baby! So we need to find me a five, yeah?

& Maxxie: What do you say, dance with my mate, Anwar? He’s seventh heaven.
    Lucy: Anwar?!
    Anwar: Yeah. Anwar, baby. 007. And you, my Chanel No 5.

& Tony: Doctors told me some things would take a while to come back.
    Michelle: OK, then. Let’s bring you back.

& Lucy: I mean, he... didn’t make me touch him or put his anything near me. Just kissed me on the cheek... and kept kissing me and rubbing his hands over me. And he said I was great... because I had little tits. “Almost like a boy,” he said. And that was it. He didn’t even touch any other part of me. Just my cheek... and my tits.

& Anwar: ... I heard he got his cock out and there’s a tattoo of Harry Potter, and he started shouting at Sketch “Kiss Harry to make him magic”.
    Chris: Drama teachers, man... “Pretend to be a tree”. “But I’m not a tree”. “Well, pretend”. Fucking perverts, the lot of ’em!

& Lucy: It’s for your own good. Crawling out of bed isn’t good for you. I will not... let you fuck up my life, Mum.

& Michelle: Oh, God. On a scale of one to... Oh, fuck scales, I’m shitting it!
    Lucy: You’re gonna be so good.
    Michelle: I’m under-rehearsed and shit!
    Lucy: Do you want something to get you through it?.. Pills of my mum’s. You need to take three to get a decent hit. Anti-anxieties. They’ll chill you out. Go on, I'd love to help you out.

& Chris: We’re over ten minutes late now. It’s time for action. If Rome won’t go to Mohammed, then Mohammed will clap until it does. ... Works every time.

& Maxxie: Who the fuck are you?!
    Lucy: Do you believe in magic, Maxxie? When we kiss... When we kiss...
    Maxxie: I’m gay! Do you understand that?!
    Lucy: Look at me! I’m as close to a boy as you can get! You could love me. We could love each other.

& Lucy: That’s not how it goes! It’s not! It’s not!
    Maxxie: You think you can fuck my life up and I’ll start fancying you? Look at yourself... Stay out of my life!
    ................
    Chris: Now that’s an ending!

& Lucy: Can I come in?
    Anwar: Well, um... Maxxie says you’re a psycho.
    Lucy: He thinks I fancy him. I don’t. I fancy you. I wanna have sex with you. But I can’t do it from out here, can I?
    Anwar: Shit, man. Biology revision here I come!

& Lucy: I’m a virgin.
    Anwar: Oh. Congratulations.

& Anwar: You mind if I list the complete filmography of Hugh Grant since’92? Slow things down.
    Bitter Moon.
    Remains of the Day.
    Sirens.
    Four Weddings.
    An Awfully Big Adventure — that one was rubbish.
    The Englishman Who Came... Came Up A Hill... And Went Down A Mountain.
    Nine Months.
    Sense... And Sensibility...
    Restoration.
    Extreme Measures.
    Ah... Notting Hill.
    Mickey Blue Eyes.
    Small Time Crooks.
    Bridget Jones! Ah! Bridget... Jones! Ah! ...
    I never get as far as About A Boy.


+ on Imdb.

__ Soundtrack's just perfect. 'Osama: The Musical' is splendid.