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& Fred: You know what I love about divorced?.. They love sex.
    Rick: Is that true?
    Fred: I don’t know. I like to think so, though.

& Fred: Hey, did you get any action last night?
    Rick: Nah. Came close, but kids were awake when we got home. What about you, you get lucky?
    Fred: No. Well, I mean, kind of. You know, Grace conked out* right when we got home... so I snuck out to the car, rubbed one out.
    Rick: What are you, Knight Rider? Why can’t you do it in the bathroom like every other guy?
    Fred: What, and get caught by Grace?! No way. I can’t risk that. Uh-uh. No, besides, cars turn me on. It’s where I lost my virginity.

& Fred: That’s one of those things they don’t tell you, huh?
    Rick: What?
    Fred: That you’re still gonna be jerking off after you get married. I mean, I thought that was just gonna be a teenage thing, right?
    Rick: Yeah, I didn’t see that one coming.

& Maggie: What the hell is wrong with you two? You are completely obsessed with sex.
    Rick: Honey, obsessed is a very strong word.
    Maggie: Oh, yeah? This morning you left the computer on CockGobblers.com.
    Rick: ... Uh... I get my weather from that site.

---

& Fred: Let me explain something to you, okay? If Maggie and Grace find out that we can’t get laid on our own... they’ll start thinking that we need them to get laid. Do you realize what that’ll do to the balance of power in our homes? Do you?
    Rick: Ahh. Yeah. Maybe we just say that we did hook up.
    Fred: I can’t. Grace will know I’m lying. She always knows when I’m lying. And she doesn’t forget. I once got caught giving her fake chow and I didn’t hear the end of it for years.
    Rick: What’s fake chow?
    Fred: When you’re going south on them... and don’t wanna use your tongue, so you use fingers and smack your lips. Fake chow.

& Korean masseuse: You want a massage?
    Fred: Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
    Masseuse: You fill out form.
    Fred: No, no, no. You know, I’d prefer no paper trail.
    Masseuse: Fill out form. It policy. {...} How I know what you want if you no fill out form?
    Fred: I’ll just say it to you. I’ll just tell you.
    Masseuse: So, what you waiting for’?!
    Fred: Not very relaxing so far. Um... Okay, um, come here. Sh-sh-sh.
    Masseuse: Okay. But must check with manager first.
    Fred: No!..
    Masseuse: He’s wanna rub-and-tug and after finish off a tea bag!
    Fred: Um, she misheard. No! I said, rub, no tug. And the tea bags were... You heat those up. You dip them in water, heat them up, and put them on pressure... How do I know more about massage than you guys know about massage?

& Maggie: So, what are you doing here?
    Rick: March 25th, 1989.
    Maggie: What?!
    Rick: That’s the day I lost my virginity. March 25th, 1989. Approximately 10:30 p. m.
    Maggie: What are you talking about? We were dating then.
    Rick: I know. You were my first. And you were my last. And you’ve been everything in between.

& Fred: Okay, look. Look, whatever happened this week doesn’t matter. Okay? Because I love you and only you. And I am gonna treat you like the queen that you are for the rest of your days. Okay? I’m gonna quit fantasy football this year. Even though I have the first pick. And we can do that Master Cleanse thing... with the cayenne pepper and all that shit. You will never have to shovel snow again. I’ll do it, okay? Tennis elbow be damned. I will do it. But please, I am begging you... can we please just never, ever talk about what happened this week? Um... Please...
    Grace: Deal. Ha, ha.

& Male-cop: Excuse me. What are you doing?
Fred: It's not what you think. I swear.
Grace: I was just giving him a faux job.
Male-cop: A what?!
Female-cop: A faux job. When you go south on a guy, but you don't use your mouth... you use your hands instead, and then you make loud slurping noises.


-- Dict:
conk out — заглохнуть; ломаться; свалиться

+ on Imdb.



__ Boring. And jerky.