Psychoville 1x4

David and Maureen

& David: How do we know he’s dead?
    Maureen: Course he’s dead! Look at that face. What would you say that is, like a royal blue? Or a duck-egg blue?
    David: Cornflower.
    Maureen: Yeah, well, he’s brown bread now, isn’t he? Dead.

& Maureen: What shall we do? Leave him here or dump him in the canal?
    David: Leave him.
    Maureen: We could chop him up in the bath, if that’d make you feel better. Like Donald Neilson.
    David: Dennis Nilsen! Donald Neilson was the Black Panther! Totally different murderer!

& David: Test me on the poisoners.
    Maureen: Not now, David.
    David: I want it! Which poisoner killed the most victims?
Maureen: I know why you’re doing this and I’m not going down that road again.
    David: Answer: Marcel Petiot, 27. Which doctor administered lethal doses of hydrobromide?
    Maureen: I dunno. Dr. Legg off EastEnders.
    David: Answer: Dr. Hawley Harvey Crippen. {...} Who murdered her seven-year-old stepson with rat poison?.. Answer: Mary Ann Cotton.
    Maureen: I’m not listening!
    David: Which cross-eyed serial killer murdered Matilda Clover and was hanged on November 19th, 1892?.. Answer: Dr Thomas Neill Cream. And who put 39 sleeping pills in his dad’s Smash? Answer: David Sowerbutts! ... I was trying to help him! He looked so tired. I wanted to help him sleep.
    Maureen: You certainly did that.

---

& Jason Griffin: Mr. Pike?.. Martin Pike, are you all right? I can see you. Could you let me in, please?.. You’re turning towards me now. ... Standing on one leg. ... Scratching your left ear. ... Right ear. Swimming, is it?.. Flying! Yes, I’m pretty sure I can see you.

& Griffin: We spoke on the telephone.
    David: That’s right.
    Griffin: I’m glad you’re in. I was beginning to think I’d got the wrong address.
    David: This is my correct home.
    Griffin: You’ve a lovely flat. Have you been here long?
    David: About ten minutes.
    Griffin: Sorry?
    David: Years! Ten years. My mum died and left it to me in her last will and ornaments.
    Griffin: Testaments.
    David: I think she did.

& Maureen: Who’s for a nice cup of tea, then? I’m ever so sorry. I’m Mrs Pike, I’m Martin’s mum.
    Griffin: But Mr. Pike was just telling me that you were... Well, dead.
    Maureen: .......... The other one. The other mum. The poor one! It’s like Blood Brothers.

& Maureen: Would you like a tea, Mr...
    Griffin: Oh, yes, please. Chief Inspector Griffin.
    Maureen: As in... police inspector, not... parking meters?
    Griffin: If only it was so frivolous! No, I was just saying, Mrs. Pike, I’m in the area investigating a recent series of murders.
    Maureen: Shitting heaven!

& Griffin: We have nothing to go on. No DNA, no forensics. But we’ll get there. We’ll bait our traps and wait patiently for the perpetrator to slip up, which they always do. Make no mistake. Whoever committed these murders will swing for it.
    David: You can’t hang murderers! Not since Allen and Evans in 1964.
    Griffin: Of course, I was speaking metaphorically.

& Maureen: Go and get the inspector a biscuit, Martin. There’s some chocolate Hobnobs in the cupboard.
    David: Whereabouts?
    Maureen: In the cupboard. Next to the knife drawer.
    David: What drawer?
    Maureen: The knife drawer.
    David: What drawer?
    Maureen: Knife drawer.
    David: Oh, the knife drawer.

& Maureen: He won’t be long. Shall we sit soft?

& David: Gloves! ... Forgot my gloves.
    Maureen: He’s... allergic to chocolates... the Hobnobs. A Mars Bar would kill him.

& David: ... Hobnob?
    Griffin: Thank you.
    David: I brought a knife in case you only wanted half.
    Griffin: I’ll be naughty and have a whole one.

& Griffin: I was just saying to your mother, Martin, the police are looking for someone with a vendetta.
    David: So he likes ice cream?
    Maureen: He means a grudge, Martin, someone you’ve P’d off.
    Griffin: Speaking of which, do you mind if I quickly use your bathroom?
    Maureen: No, that’s fine.
    Griffin: Thank you. Whereabouts...
    Maureen: Yes, it’s... through there and up the stairs and... you know... the usual.
    Griffin: OK. So, left or right?
    Maureen: ...........
    Griffin: Where is it?
    David: Follow the smell.

& Maureen: I blame meself for what happened.
    Griffin: You don’t have to say anything without a lawyer being present.
    Maureen: It’s too late for that. David’s dad died when he was ten years old. He was poisoned. David put sleeping pills in his food. But that wasn’t what killed him. It was me.
    Griffin: You?!
    Maureen: I’d been poisoning him for weeks. He used to beat me, you see, Inspector. It’s what people did before they had tellys. One day, I just snapped. I filled the salt cellar with caustic soda. Watched him sprinkle his way to a slow and painful death. David could see him getting weaker and weaker. He thought he was helping him out, giving him a rest. But those sleeping pills were the final straw. He never woke up... And I let David take the blame. All those years, in and out of mental hospitals, struggling with the guilt. I just sat at home and played me Bontempi. He’s my monster, Inspector. I created him.
    Griffin: Sorry, is this still part of the improv? I’m not trying to block you, but I’m really confused now.


+ on Imdb.