I Believe in Aliens

Resident Alien 2×16

Asta Twelvetrees: Do all alien babies on your planet do this?
Harry Vanderspeigle: No. My Moesha is special.
Asta Twelvetrees: Moesha?
Harry Vanderspeigle: You don't like it? I'm trying out names. Brad...

Harry Vanderspeigle: It is worse than failure. It is future failure. It is guaranteed.

Asta Twelvetrees: Then what? What are you going to do?
Harry Vanderspeigle: I will do what human failures do. I will ignore my horrible life by being a parent and passing my resentments on to my children.
Asta Twelvetrees: "Children"?

Sheriff Mike Thompson: You know, there's an old saying about a turtle.
Deputy Liv Baker: Of course there is.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: It goes, "if you want to read something into a situation, it will become whatever you want it to be."
Deputy Liv Baker: What does that have to do with a turtle?
Sheriff Mike Thompson: I don't know. I forget the turtle part. But the point is, is that you tend to, you know, believe in a bunch of conspiracy theories.
Deputy Liv Baker: You're the one who says the moon is manmade.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: That's not a theory. That's a fact. I mean, each crater's the same depth. The damn thing rings like a gong when you hit it. You can't even see the other side. Shit, they probably got an Arby's over there. Maybe even a strip club, full with moon titties.

Harry Vanderspeigle: You will like my planet. We do not have soccer, but we have a game that is like football. But there's no ball. And you cannot use your feet. It's fighting to the death. So fun.

Max: You drew a stick figure. This looks nothing like you.
Harry Vanderspeigle: How dare you body shame me. That is my goal weight. Are you saying I'm fat?

Sahar: You can't name him Chaz. He is significant. Extraordinary. He is the bridge between your people and mine. And his name should reflect that.
Harry Vanderspeigle: I will name you... "Bridget." Come to Papa, Bridget... Now go take off this monkey suit. You look stupid.

Sheriff Mike Thompson: Now I need you to tell me who you think they really were. If you say something about aliens... well, maybe this time I'll listen.

Harry Vanderspeigle: My people do not have a word for failure. They lost the planet to the Greys, but there is no failure. There is just moving forward and attempting to save a different planet.

Harry Vanderspeigle: I did not care about the baby when I first saw it. I considered eating it more than once. It would be tasty. But I have gotten to a place all humans get to eventually... I no longer want to eat my baby.

Asta Twelvetrees: That's my secret.
D'Arcy Bloom: You're a dinosaur!
Harry Vanderspeigle: What? No!

D'Arcy Bloom: Sorry, did you say "the end of the world"?

Harry Vanderspeigle: The doors were unlocked. I will send you a bill.

Harry Vanderspeigle: What is this place?
Eleanor McCallister: This? It's nothing. A quarter of a mile down, there's a lot.

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Best of Enemies

Resident Alien 2×15

Asta Twelvetrees: You're not answering your phone.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Did you call me to tell me to come in to work?
Asta Twelvetrees: Yes.
Harry Vanderspeigle: That is why I did not answer it.

Asta Twelvetrees: Oh, God. I am so sorry. Harry can be a little serial killer-y.

Peter Bach: I swear on my son, I won't hurt you if you don't hurt me.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Whatever. I'll swear at your son too.

Harry Vanderspeigle: Asta always does the right thing. It is her most annoying trait. That and she never lets me kill anyone.

Harry Vanderspeigle: "Dear Asta, if you are reading this, "you are already in my house. ..."

Harry Vanderspeigle: "... If we do not come back, we are dead. But do not worry, that means you will soon be dead too. ..."

Deputy Liv Baker: I don't know what to say except that's just stupid.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Wow. How is it possible that something so negative can come out of the same face that makes such beautiful mouth trumpet sounds?

Harry Vanderspeigle: The word "commitment" becomes something different when you add love to it. Humans call it devotion. This feeling of devotion is not just for families. If there is enough love, anybody will feel it.

Harry Vanderspeigle: Why does love surprise humans? Love is like air. Even if you cannot see it, you have to know it is there.

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Cat and Mouse

Resident Alien 2×14

Harry Vanderspeigle: I would not want to be a fish, in the same way I do not want to be a human. So much of their lives is out of their control.

Asta Twelvetrees: Okay. "Dear, Asta, the Greys are here to kill us all"? That's your opening?!
Harry Vanderspeigle: I wanted to get your attention.
Asta Twelvetrees: Good job. It worked.

D'Arcy Bloom: Huh. Thank you. You are like my little appliances truffle pig.

Sheriff Mike Thompson: Don't worry. I learned the old-fashioned way. See, I practiced on cats. If you can massage a cat at 3:00 a. m. Without being scratched to death or waking your neighbor, you graduate. You know, the more feral, the better.

Sheriff Mike Thompson: Patience don't need charm. It needs rats.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Uh... W-what's that?
Max: I like rats.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: You should. Nothing says successful town like a good rat infestation.

Sheriff Mike Thompson: See, every healthy town has restaurants that's full of people, and that means they throwing away half their food, and that brings in the rats. This one time, I was on a stakeout in D.C., and I fell asleep, and a rat ran right across my face. I knew at that moment, I had made it.

Harry Vanderspeigle: Think of a number between one and ten. If we think of the same number, then we are the same, and you will help me. What number are you thinking of?
Max: Six.
Harry Vanderspeigle: I was thinking of 6.5... So close. We need to work on our friendship. Let's kill this guy together.

Asta Twelvetrees: I just need to tell you this one thing. Okay, um... the most important thing I need to tell you is... I love you. I've thought about you every day of your life. And if you ever need me, I'm here for you. And if you never need me, that's okay, too. It's not your job to worry about me. I'll be fine. And I'll still love you. So... that's it.

—
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Harry, a Parent

Resident Alien 2×13

Asta Twelvetrees: Do you have a time machine? Wait! Can we go back in time?
Harry Vanderspeigle: There is no such thing as a time machine. The only effective way to travel through time is through... is through... There is no word for it. Uh... In English, a portal, I guess, is the closest thing you could say.

Harry Vanderspeigle: I have to urinate.
D'Arcy Bloom: I need to urinate. Why do you sound like C-3PO? Just say you have to pee.
Harry Vanderspeigle: I have to pee-3PO.

Harry Vanderspeigle: Humans do not realize what crop circles really are... Alien emojis. The complex circle on the right stands for my middle finger.

Asta Twelvetrees: I found a bunch of stuff online about the Alpha Draconians.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Mm-hmm.
Asta Twelvetrees: They're a lizard people, so, what, we look for them under rocks or something? Also, are they poisonous like Komodo dragons?

Harry Vanderspeigle: As a doctor... smoke more.

Deputy Liv Baker: I know. It's safer to be a skeptic. But sometimes, don't you want to see the world as just a little bit magical?

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The Alien Within

Resident Alien 2×12

Sheriff Mike Thompson: Hey, you know what? Maybe in my movie, I got a trusty sidekick, right, who does all the paperwork. And I'm just spitballing here, right, but maybe she provides comic relief, 'cause she's always bumping into things... You see? You see how I said "she" right? That's 'cause I believe in equality.

Harry Vanderspeigle: The internet is wrong.
Asta Twelvetrees: Oh, okay. Good.
Harry Vanderspeigle: No, the Insectoids, they do not squash. They like to eat other beings while they are still alive and struggling.

Asta Twelvetrees: Maybe your alien call doesn't work the way it used to because you're not as alien as you used to be.
Harry Vanderspeigle: That is an awful thing to say.
Asta Twelvetrees: Let's face it, Harry. Every day you're here, you become more human. It's inevitable.

Sheriff Mike Thompson: Oh, yeah, see, there it is. There's nothing I love more than a perfectly timed "unless." It's like... it's like a spoon being dipped into some soup. Go ahead, bring that soup to my lips, Deputy.

Sheriff Mike Thompson: Did I ever tell you you're brilliant, hmm?
Deputy Liv Baker: No, sir.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: You see, you remember how I didn't want to just look at the map, right? And then your brilliance allowed my super brilliance to shine through.
Deputy Liv Baker: Once again you are the hero of your own story...

Max: Nothing healthy, please.

Max: I can't. I only poop after breakfast or when my mom takes me to the bookstore.
Sahar: Then we have to speed things along. Here.
Max: That's way too big to swallow.
Sahar: It's not for swallowing.
Max: No, I'm not putting that up my butt.
Sahar: Come on, the survival of the world is at stake.
Max: I can save the world with my butt?
Sahar: You have to. It's your destiny.

Sheriff Mike Thompson: ...we won't get credit for that. You know, we did all the hard work. Now the FBI's going to come in and just reach into our pants and rip off our bean bags.
Deputy Liv Baker: Oh, not me. I don't have a bean bag.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Well, not on the outside.
Deputy Liv Baker: I don't really know what that means.

Harry Vanderspeigle: Your knee is compensating for your tibiofibular joint that you injured in your ski accident. Also, you are very old, and your body is falling apart as it prepares for your death.

Harry Vanderspeigle: I only care about Asta, so why did I just give hope and encouragement to another human? Am I beginning to care about all humans? What kind of monster have I become?

Sahar: This isn't a kidnapping. This is an adult-napping.

Max: Why do you have to be Sonny and Cher every year?
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Because they're an iconic '70s couple, and this mustache was expensive.

Asta Twelvetrees: You texted 911 and then gibberish. I thought you were in trouble and had a stroke or something.
Harry Vanderspeigle: My message was very clear. I use abbreviations like the kids do.
Asta Twelvetrees: "9-1-1, MIBstblnwahcybi?"
Harry Vanderspeigle: It's abbreviations. "9-1-1, MIB" Men In Black. Ah! There's "STBLN," stole the baby last night with a helicopter. Can you believe it? Question mark. What assholes. Exclamation mark. "I am going to kill them to get the baby back so I can hear the rest of Goliath's message, but first I am going to eat." That's a pizza emoji. "WA, question mark" Want any? And "HMBP," hit me back, player. It's all very clear.

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The Weight

Resident Alien 2×11

D'Arcy Bloom: I'm like one of those condemned buildings that doesn't have a sign outside that says, "Unsafe," just filled with asbestos. And, you know, it's not gonna kill you right away, but it'll take years off your life.

Asta Twelvetrees: Being friends with Harry is like... It's like raising a child who lies and tells secrets and has weird alien powers.

Coach: Everyone falls. Question is, then what?

Max: If it's a girl, it's not him.
Harry Vanderspeigle: How do you know it is a him?
Max: I didn't say "him." I said "shepherd's pie."
Harry Vanderspeigle: That is a terrible lie. They do not even sound alike. And shepherd's pie, that is... it's not a pie. It should be called shepherd's meat vomit.

Max: She's my friend.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Well, what about me? I am your friend.
Max: You don't treat me like I'm your friend.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Well, you are not my friend. I am your friend.

Max: I thought RV stood for "real big van..."
Harry Vanderspeigle: Your skull is very hollow.
Max: Good. Helps me run faster.

Harry Vanderspeigle: Do not talk to me like that! I will send you to the ice wind desert for two weeks with no food. The cold will creep upon your body to steal your life. Resources are scarce. The only thing to drink will be the blood of your siblings that you have killed to maintain dominance.
Max: Doesn't sound safe

. Dan Twelvetrees: Well, it's a gift to share something hard with someone you love. Means you care about them enough to let them help you.

Mayor Ben Hawthorne: But of course, you know, I want a baby. Uh, but, you know, not having to wake up at 3:00 in the morning, it's not too bad.
Kate Hawthorne: No, of course, you know, I want a baby too. It's just not the end of the world not to have to give up sushi for nine months.

Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Thank God. A toast...
Kate Hawthorne: Yes.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: To not having kids.
Kate Hawthorne: Well, we have one.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Eh, let's pretend.

D'Arcy Bloom: I know you work with him and everything, but what do you even talk about?
Asta Twelvetrees: Nothing, except the fate of the entire world.

Harry Vanderspeigle: Humans have discovered there is strength in numbers. But maybe the strongest thing in their life is the person they are closest to.

Harry Vanderspeigle: Everybody needs a friend, especially when they are in danger.

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The Ghost of Bobby Smallwood

Resident Alien 2×10

Harry Vanderspeigle: My official findings are consistent with my initial theory. I was right, and now I'm more right.

Harry Vanderspeigle: If you see her, do not mention... the "incident."
D'Arcy Bloom: What incident? I don't know what you're talking about.
Harry Vanderspeigle: The murder.
D'Arcy Bloom: I know what you're talking about.
Harry Vanderspeigle: You said you did not know what I was talking about.
D'Arcy Bloom: Because I don't wanna talk about it.
Harry Vanderspeigle: I do not want to talk about it. I do not even care.
D'Arcy Bloom: You're in denial.
Harry Vanderspeigle: I am not in denial.
D'Arcy Bloom: So you're in denial about being in denial?
Harry Vanderspeigle: Yes. No. I deny denying it.

Mayor Ben Hawthorne: I've got good news!
Sheriff Mike Thompson: The only news I want to hear is that you gonna stop clapping your bony, porcelain hands before they trigger a migraine.

Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Everything's... Everything's fine.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: You know I'm the town sheriff, right? Which means 100% of my job is being a therapist.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: That percentage seems... high.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: It's not. If anything, it's low.

Sheriff Mike Thompson: When it comes to talking to 'em, you gotta treat women like they in the cartel, right? You wanna have a conversation? You take 'em to a public place. That way you don't have to worry about them murdering you.

Harry Vanderspeigle: Why are you angry with me? Killing that man was a good thing. We are now both the same. We are both murderers. We should start a club.

Harry Vanderspeigle: ...you were happy. You smiled. I saw your teeth. I didn't even know you had teeth.
Asta Twelvetrees: Listen to me. Life is not just about smiling and happiness. It's also about pain and guilt and fear. They're called feelings for a reason so you feel them.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Those are bad feelings. When I feel bad feelings, I think about season five of "Law & Order....." I'm happy now. I'm thinking about it now. I'm happy.

Max: You found a zombie? That's dangerous, Zombies eat brains!

Harry Vanderspeigle: I need more fries!
Asta Twelvetrees: No. No more fries until you admit you're afraid to die.

Harry Vanderspeigle: Are you afraid to die?
Asta Twelvetrees: Death is complicated. That's why people don't really think about it. Or they eat through their emotions.
Harry Vanderspeigle: See, I'm normal. Hmm?

Asta Twelvetrees: Everyone is going to die someday, and it's scary. I know that I'm gonna die, but if I spend every second worrying about it, then I can't live. And part of the living is feeling it all. The good lifts you up, and the bad knocks you down, but you need the bad. You need those hard times.

Harry Vanderspeigle: How are you not afraid? You will be dead soon.
Gerard: Oh, no. The things got better when I found out that I was dying. It reminded me that life isn't forever. I-I began to appreciate every moment.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Like when there is only one slice of pie left... It tastes better.
Gerard: Exactly.

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Autopsy

Resident Alien 2×9

Harry Vanderspeigle: Death is not a loss for my people, not like it is for humans. Where I am from, everything that exists is all part of the same ecosystem. When our life is over, we simply change form and return to where we started, part of the planet. We never really die.

Harry Vanderspeigle: I will do the autopsy. I will fake the results. I will make sure that Sheriff Hat and Deputy Sadsmile do not think you did it.

Sheriff Mike Thompson: Look at them rich people names: Troy Hendricks, Tanner Corrington... Sound like old-money murderers who killed their way out of trouble. The parents too busy buying yachts and wearing visors to teach 'em right from wrong.
Deputy Liv Baker: They probably wear belts that have whales and lobsters on 'em.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Just a bunch of generational-wealth, privileged-as-hell, lacrosse-ass, pastel-shorts, boat-shoed mother... Sorry about the swearing.
Deputy Liv Baker: Oh, I swear all the time too.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: I'm Sheriff Mike Thompson. You can call me Big Black.
Det. Lena Torres: In that case, you can call me Medium Brown.
Deputy Liv Baker: I'm Liv. I'm white.

Det. Lena Torres: I run six miles every morning for a healthy body, and I do the crossword every night for a healthy mind.
Deputy Liv Baker: I can solve a Rubik's Cube. I learned from a book, but I don't need the book anymore.

Harry Vanderspeigle: I have a working theory that I would like to share with you, with the aid of my assistant, Judy Pooper.
Judy Cooper: It's Cooper. Pooper's my butt.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Judy Cooter.
Judy Cooper: Cooper! Cooter's my lady pocket.

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Alien Dinner Party

Resident Alien 2×8

Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Dr. Harry Vanderspeigle. Here's to another trip around the Sun, Dr. V!
Sheriff Mike Thompson: By the way, the break and enter was Ben's idea.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Ah, now, now. No breaking, just entering. The door was unlocked.
Deputy Liv Baker: Yeah, after you climbed through the window and unlocked it.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Out of respect for our wonderful friend...

Harry Vanderspeigle: I do not like having people at my house uninvited.
Asta Twelvetrees: Well, now you know how Earth felt when you got here.

Asta Twelvetrees: Just take that thing downstairs.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Only half of it is "thing." The other half is alien.

Harry Vanderspeigle: I do not understand why humans celebrate their births. Everyone who is alive has been born. It is not special. A birthday party is just a participation trophy.

Harry Vanderspeigle: Alien babies have a big appetite for high-calorie junky food.
Asta Twelvetrees: Uh-huh.
Harry Vanderspeigle: There's nothing more junky than a human.

Asta Twelvetrees: We have to get everyone out of here. Make yourself look sick... Oh, that's good. Yes. Good.
Harry Vanderspeigle: I have not done anything yet.
Asta Twelvetrees: Oh. Sorry. It's good, though.

Sheriff Mike Thompson: Shit, I ain't messin' with no damn rabies. You know 100% of people who have rabies go insane, but only 20% of insane people have rabies? That's a Internet fact.

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Escape from New York

Resident Alien 2×7

Harry Vanderspeigle: Well, I took some LSD on my tongue. And now I'm surrounded by horrible creatures. I just saw an alien take off its head, and there was a human inside! Do I have a human inside of me? How many licks does it take to get to the human?

Harry Vanderspeigle: Humans are gross. But... they have each other.

Harry Vanderspeigle: ...I will die without having a conversation in my beautiful language. I will be forced to talk to myself. %&*)(&(&*%$#^%(*&&*$
Asta Twelvetrees: I'd tell you to keep it down, but we're in New York. Weird is normal here, so...

Asta Twelvetrees: What. The hell. Is that?
Violinda Darvell: It's our baby.

D'Arcy Bloom: Maybe he changed his mind. You know, I change my mind all the time. Like, earlier, I was sure I was gonna have only one beer, and now I'm thinking I might have six.

Ellen: He's trying to fire you. ....
Dr. Smallwood: Is this true?
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: It's not... not true.
Dr. Smallwood: You're a sweet boy for not wanting to tell me that. You're not sweet at all. It even looked like you enjoyed it.
Ellen: I didn't... not enjoy it.

Ellen: Dr. Vanderspeigle is our only real candidate. Good doctor but not much to look at. He's a Patience six, which is a Denver four, which is a California one.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Not sure if any of that's legal to say.

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An Alien in New York

Resident Alien 2×6

Sheriff Mike Thompson: Do you know anything about, uh, getting stains out of couch cushions? I mean deep stains.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: No, you know anything about getting disgusting images out of my head?

Deputy Liv Baker: Sir, I just think that we should consider that maybe it wasn't a meteor. Maybe it was a U...
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Deputy, no.
Deputy Liv Baker: F...
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Please don't. Please.
Deputy Liv Baker: O.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Damn it! You're supposed to be an officer of the law.

Sheriff Mike Thompson: Deputy, look, I appreciate mystical creatures, all right? I really do. Well, except for mermaids. You know, where they get off sitting up on the rocks all high and mighty, expecting you to ask them out on a date? I mean, why they so stuck up? I mean, if you have fish, you gonna smell all like fish, you understand?
Deputy Liv Baker: Gross.

N 42: It's my time. I've... I've lived a good life. .... It was an honorable death. Honor my life by... eating my dead body in a butter sauce with a... a nice... like, a really nice Chardonnay.

D'Arcy Bloom: You don't fart around your wi... What's the point of being married if you can't fart around your wife?

Sheriff Mike Thompson: Okay, now, you think police work is a joke, huh? You think this is a game. What you think... I got Willy Wonka tattooed on my ass 'cause it's a chocolate factory or something?

Harry Vanderspeigle: I am drinking coffee... and I am eating pie. Mmm! I like pie. It is like cake, but made with real food.

Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Live, laugh, love.

Violinda Darvell: Tell me... How long have you known Harry is an alien?

Harry Vanderspeigle: This is some bullshit.

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Family Day

Resident Alien 2×5

Harry Vanderspeigle: Hello. Can I talk to the alien, please?

Harry Vanderspeigle: Mm. He hung up. He knows my mother. And they had intercourse.

Harry Vanderspeigle: Is this how humans feel when they have a child... Angry and resentful for having to care for a tiny thing? If she were a pet bird, I would leave the cage door open and the ceiling fan on.

Asta Twelvetrees: Yeah, well... he's not the same man you used to know.

Harry Vanderspeigle: You are the worst daughter that I have.
Liza Vanderspeigle: I am your only daughter, you idiot!
Harry Vanderspeigle: If I had another daughter and she was bad, you would be worse!

Liza Vanderspeigle: You're different than before, like, head-injury different.

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Radio Harry

Resident Alien 2×4

Harry Vanderspeigle: Children, a pestilence... They are not so much born, but replicate like a virus, continuing humanity's path toward destruction. Plus, it is illegal to make them work, so they are just gum stuck to the bottom of your shoe.

Harry Vanderspeigle: Plants have the most complex biochemistry of anything in nature, yet humans give them to say, "I love you. Here are some flowers. You are dead."

Asta Twelvetrees: Transit station? on Mars? That's weird. We didn't know anything about that.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Ha ha ha! Humans don't know anything about anything. It's funny because it's true.

Sheriff Mike Thompson: I do like dresses with pockets. It makes the handbag optional. Of course, you could always just throw a couple bandolier belts over your shoulders and tuck little tampons in each little bullet slot.
Deputy Liv Baker: Sir, how many tampons do you think I need?
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Shit, as many as you can carry. Tampons are extremely versatile. You can use them for gunshot wounds, for a sweaty brow... They actually should market 'em to men and call 'em manpons. I'd buy them.
Deputy Liv Baker: That's quite the TED talk, sir.

Harry Vanderspeigle: That was a very long lunch... How do humans talk for hours about different ways to cook their meat?

Harry Vanderspeigle: You are looking constipated again.

D'Arcy Bloom: I can't date him. His hair's way nicer than mine.

Harry Vanderspeigle: If my device had delivered its message, we would have 50 years to figure this out. Now we will have 50 days if we are lucky.

Harry Vanderspeigle: You and you, help keep Sunny's thighs up towards her stomach. Asta, place your hands suprapubically over the fetal anterior shoulder, applying pressure in a CPR style in a downward lateral motion. Be sure to like and subscribe.

Radio Host: When people experience a loss of time, their friends tell them it's normal, it's not a big deal, when in fact it's often because they've been abducted by aliens.

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Girls' Night

Resident Alien 2×3

Sheriff Mike Thompson: That's a goddamn it! You need a silver bullet in your ass, you albino-ass werewolf mother...

Asta Twelvetrees: He's an alien!
Deputy Liv Baker: I knew they existed.

Asta Twelvetrees: Okay, Harry... You're still a murderer.
Harry Vanderspeigle: No. I am a murderer murderer. It's very different.
Asta Twelvetrees: You can rationalize your murderer murder all damn day.

Asta Twelvetrees: What is wrong with you? Do you really have no empathy whatsoever?
Harry Vanderspeigle: That is not what is wrong with me. That is what is right with me.

Asta Twelvetrees: Have you not watched enough "Law & Order" to know you don't just throw evidence into a trash can? Who's the idiot now?
Harry Vanderspeigle: Still E.T. Beautiful moron...

Carlyn: Wow. I've never known a guy who was into SDR who wasn't also, like, you know, a troll.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Trolls live under bridges. I am not one of them.
Kate Hawthorne: It means she thinks you're handsome.
Harry Vanderspeigle: I have a handsome human face. And my skin tone is the same as a dead soldier in a Renaissance painting.

D'Arcy Bloom: So can I get you guys some sliders? Day-old buns help disguise the week-old meat.

Kate Hawthorne: We just wanted to show Carlyn the town, and now we have. It took about nine minutes.

Max: Why aren't you looking?
Sahar: It's against my religion to look at the naked back of a man who's not my relative or my husband. Plus, it's disgusting.

Max: Is it gonna hurt?
Sahar: My mom says when she waxes her legs, it feels like being stung by a thousand hornets.
Max: Then why does she do it?
Sahar: Because as soon as we hit puberty, Western culture tells women we're not okay as we are. We must rip out stuff that's supposed to be there, insert stuff that's not supposed to be there, and bleach everything visible to the naked eye.
Max: Hey, being a man is hard, too. I have to brush my teeth sometimes.
Sahar: I take it back. I don't feel bad anymore...
Max: AAH!!!

Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Miguel... my belle.

Sheriff Mike Thompson: Okay. All right, look, here's what I want you to do. Here go $5. Now, I want you to go down to the mall. All right, you know that kiosk where they'll write your name on a grain of rice? Right, you're gonna give that guy that $5. He gonna write your note on the end of a bullet, right? Now, I want you to take that bullet. I want you to put it in a gun and go home and stand in your bathtub. Now, you also gonna need a phone book... Not something thin like Patience, something with some girth like... like Denver, right? And you gonna put that phone book up against one side of your head, and you gonna take that gun and put it against the other side, right? And then you're gonna shoot you right in the head, and that bullet's gonna fly right through and lodge itself right around the D's, for dumbass. And she'll get your note.
Mayor Ben Hawthorne: But I'm dead.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: You tell her, you dead anyway.

Asta Twelvetrees: You... you can't just use people like that. It's cruel.
Harry Vanderspeigle: I am giving her compliments. She is happy like a baby, like a stupid, happy baby.

Deputy Liv Baker: It's a superpower... not caring what anyone thinks.

Asta Twelvetrees: Harry?...
Harry Vanderspeigle: You have to come with me to New Mexico, but, first, can you teach me how to pee?

Asta Twelvetrees: No, no, no, no, no, do not put this on me. I would never tell you to take over a woman's body without her consent.

Harry Vanderspeigle: I think it got my bra size wrong. The wire leaves dents in my skin.
Asta Twelvetrees: Yeah, well, wait until you put on a thong.

Harry Vanderspeigle: She likes long naps. And it is better than being awake for her real life.

Harry Vanderspeigle: He will not bother her again.
Asta Twelvetrees: What did you do?
Harry Vanderspeigle: The same thing you would have done... if you had the strength of six gorillas.

Harry Vanderspeigle: It is awful being short.
Asta Twelvetrees: Harry, that's not because she's short. That's being a woman. Welcome to our world.
You mean you all feel the eyes hunting you like a baby deer in the woods, just walking down the street?

Asta Twelvetrees: You know, next time a woman tries to tell you something, sit down, shut up, and listen. And if you feel the need to say anything, all it needs to be is, "Yes, ma'am."

—
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The Wire

Resident Alien 2×2

Harry Vanderspeigle: You don't know anything about space. You are a Colorado octopus.
N 42: Is that where we are? Shit. I thought this was India. That is an Indian rug. You are appropriating their culture. That's not a good look, man.
Harry Vanderspeigle: I saw it at a red tag sale for $5. I had to buy it. Plus, I think it really brings the room together.

Harry Vanderspeigle: ... We will live, and all the beer-drinking douchebags can fry.

Sahar: No, thank you. My mom said if you offered me any junk food, I should say no because it will slowly kill me.

Dan Twelvetrees: I hope you wore a life jacket, maybe two.
Asta Twelvetrees: What, why?
Dan Twelvetrees: You're the only one keeping that alien from taking us out. Anything happens to you, everybody on Earth is dead.

Harry Vanderspeigle: I'm sorry. I wasn't listening. I was calling you an idiot in my head.

Deputy Liv Baker: Uh... "What kind of toilet would Asta like to poop in in a bunker?" That can't be right.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Come on, Deputy. I thought you took a lipreading workshop.

Jay: Apple pie and plain oatmeal. Extra, extra, extra milk. No flies. Enjoy.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: He's a damn psychopath.

Asta Twelvetrees: Harry, this is not okay. This was all supposed to be over with. Why are your people coming?
Harry Vanderspeigle: They are... how did you put it?
N 42: Oh, it was "eager to fry all you Earth pigs."
Harry Vanderspeigle: That.

Deputy Liv Baker: Asta, I'm telling you this as a friend. Harry is not who you think he is. He could be dangerous. Please don't protect him.

—
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Old Friends

Resident Alien 2×1

Harry Vanderspeigle: Being an alien is easier than being a human. We have evolved past having emotions, so we are not forced to deal with things like seasonal depression or road rage. We also have no roads, so nobody can cut you off...

Harry Vanderspeigle: You can sing the song "Itsy Bitsy Spider" to pass the time. You are the spider because everyone hates you and you are itsy bitsy.

Harry Vanderspeigle: I'm an alien. I'm here to kill everyone.

Asta Twelvetrees: Max is gone. What the hell am I gonna tell his parents?
Dan Twelvetrees: Try this. "Your kid is gone. There was an alien involved."

Sheriff Mike Thompson: See, I love how your mind works, Deputy. You're like a true crime podcast. Go ahead. Pod me.

Harry Vanderspeigle: For humans, memory is a big part of who they believe they are. If a human's brain is damaged and that memory is affected... so is their perception of self... With a brain that delicate, they should wear helmets.

Sahar: I'm quick on my feet, which will be great when I'm the first person on Mars. Not first woman, first person.

Sahar: You've been to outer space, which makes you my Guinea pig. I need to know the effect of space flight on the human body before I go to Mars. Have you experienced any dizzy spells?
Max: No.
Sahar: Rapid aging?
Max: No.
Sahar: Increased intellectual capability?
Max: What?
Sahar: That's a no.

Asta Twelvetrees: Did that octopus just call me an idiot?

Octopus: Whoa, whoa! Tell him to break me out! I'm Monday chef's special!

Harry Vanderspeigle: I could have done that.

Harry Vanderspeigle: Humans do not look forward. They have memories that force them to look backwards. The alien in me only failed my mission once, but the human in me has relived that failure a thousand times. Why would I think about it if it's painful? Maybe humans like pain as much as they like pie.

Dan Twelvetrees: So you're an alien?
Harry Vanderspeigle: Yes. And you are Native American.
Dan Twelvetrees: I am Nuche.
Harry Vanderspeigle: What is Nuche?
Dan Twelvetrees: It means "The People."
Harry Vanderspeigle: So I should call you Nuche?
Dan Twelvetrees: You can call me Dan.

Harry Vanderspeigle: Can you go to the store and buy yourself... What are those, little trampolines?
Max: Cool.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Yes. Then take it to the ceiling fan store just down the road. Turn on the overhead ceiling fans and trampoline into them so that your head chops off.

Harry Vanderspeigle: I am stuck here. Do you want to see what my spaceship looks like, hmm? This... this is what is left! I had the coolest whip in town and now, I have a box of alien balls.

Harry Vanderspeigle: If it wasn't for you, I would be on my planet right now eating delicious tree skin. It's like pork rinds, but it doesn't make you vomit.

Harry Vanderspeigle: Memories define who these humans are. And if the memories become too painful or reveal a side of themselves they don't like, their brains tuck those memories away... I am so happy I am not human.

Asta Twelvetrees: You have gills?
Harry Vanderspeigle: You lungers. You are very judgmental. Mm.

Harry Vanderspeigle: All octopuses can talk. They just don't like talking to humans. Number 42 only talked to you because you are with me.
Asta Twelvetrees: His name is number 42?
Harry Vanderspeigle: On the menu. Octopus in black bean sauce. Number 42. And you wonder why they aren't speaking to humans.

—
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Heroes of Patience

Resident Alien 1×10

Harry Vanderspeigle: Everyone has to die. It is the normal cycle of life for beings across the entire universe. Some may live longer than others, but every organism comes into being and then ceases being. The animals know this. They live in harmony with the Earth, as it was meant to be.
     Everyone I kill with my device is going to die anyway. At least I'm killing them for a good reason. It's different for humans. Humans kill because they know they're small, insignificant, weak. And killing makes them feel strong... even if it's just for a moment.
     And when humans are smart, they may even get away with murder. Of course, no being really gets away with anything. The universe knows what you have done, even if nobody else does. And the universe will restore balance one way or another. Humans have a word for this. They call it "karma."

Sheriff Mike Thompson: I told her it was probably just some meat in there that looked like you, like a frozen pig or something.
Harry Vanderspeigle: I am more handsome than a pig.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Oh, me too. Yeah, man, I'm probably somewhere between a pig and a dolphin. You know, that dolphin, that's a fine-ass animal.

Harry Vanderspeigle: It's unfortunate I have to kill everyone and leave here. The warmth of spring is just arriving...

Sahar: I knew it! She's a woman in a purple skirt, man in black.

D'Arcy Bloom: All right, look, I know what happened. All right? You and Harry murdered a guy. It happens, but I'm here for you. We're gonna take my car to Canada. From there, I've got an old ski buddy in Juneau. There's a safe deposit box, 1,000 bucks to keep us going. Three passports. So...
Asta Twelvetrees: That's... a lot to process.

Harry Vanderspeigle: I can't kill everyone on Earth with an empty stomach.

Max Hawthorne: I know that you know.

Harry Vanderspeigle: Do you miss her?
Harry Vanderspeigle: I miss a lot of things... the five senses... driving around with nowhere to go... tacos. But I loved Isabelle.
Harry Vanderspeigle: How do you know?
Harry Vanderspeigle: How do I know I loved my wife?
Harry Vanderspeigle: What did it feel like?
Harry Vanderspeigle: It feels like... life. Like everything you've ever felt. The joy and the fury held in your heart and wrapped in... hope... hope that everything will be okay. Love makes you feel connected to everything. Make you feel light-headed, you feel like you're floating.

Harry Vanderspeigle: I could press this button at any time. If you agree with me and I am right and you are wrong, then just sit there dead and don't say anything... Okay, then. We agree. Goodbye, only human in the room.

Sahar: You guys are like Daredevil and the Black Widow.

Harry Vanderspeigle: Wait, wait... It'll be okay. It's like the song. "Ooh, child, things are going to get easier. Ooh, child"...

Harry Vanderspeigle: Real quick... I left some pizzas in my freezer. You can have them if you want them.

Harry Vanderspeigle: Everyone has to die eventually. What matters are the choices you make while you're alive. Killing may make humans feel strong in the moment, but what I've begun to realize is, true strength comes from choosing not to kill. Maybe being truly human is about choosing to love instead. But with that love comes the pain that I feel inside me.

Harry Vanderspeigle: This is some bullshit!

—
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Welcome Aliens

Resident Alien 1×9

Asta Twelvetrees: Jesus, can you just put a sock on it?
Harry Vanderspeigle: It likes the fresh air. Also, it's not a thing. It is a leg. You are leg-shaming me.

Harry Vanderspeigle: Please be careful. Do not press the black button. I'm not ready... to radio my people yet.
Asta Twelvetrees: This black button?

Max Hawthorne: Don't worry. She's not gonna tell anyone. She swore to Allah.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Allah knows?! How many people have you told?

Sahar: Must be the government. That means they're after you. It could be any of the agencies. But it's probably "Men in Black." It's a top-secret agency that monitors alien activity on Earth.
Max Hawthorne: But they don't always wear black, and they're not only men.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Then why do they call them "Men in Black"?
Sahar: Because it's cooler than calling them "People in Clothes." It's pretty obvious.

Sahar: Have you tried the hardware store? They have everything. My dad even bought a pair of pajamas there.

Harry Vanderspeigle: Are they supposed to be me? My people are not a costume.
Asta Twelvetrees: Welcome to my life.

Asta Twelvetrees: Kind of cool that I'm here with an actual alien. I feel special.
Harry Vanderspeigle: You're not special. You're common.
Asta Twelvetrees: That's oddly less offensive now that I know you're from outer space.

Chief: I heard what you said up there. It was very touching. But you should be careful.
Asta Twelvetrees: What do you mean?
Chief: For all you know, your alien is a Christopher Columbus of the sky...

Harry Vanderspeigle: There are no monsters. Beings do what needs to be done in order to survive.

—
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End of the World as We Know It

Resident Alien 1×8

Asta Twelvetrees: No, no, no, no. Half your face is all wrong.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Offensive.

Harry Vanderspeigle: I am not from this planet. I am what your people call an extraterrestrial. An alien.
Asta Twelvetrees: Oh. Oh, I feel nauseous.
Harry Vanderspeigle: You may have a concussion from the fall.
Asta Twelvetrees: No, I think it's the extra-alien thing happening in front of me.

Asta Twelvetrees: She's gonna figure it out when she sees the scales on your face.
Harry Vanderspeigle: My people do not have scales. That's racist. You are thinking of the Reptilians.
Asta Twelvetrees: Who?
Harry Vanderspeigle: The Reptilians. Insidious creatures trying to take over the universe by using the Earth as a laboratory for hybridization... Don't worry. It will never happen. They're gross. They have major hygiene issues.
Asta Twelvetrees: Okay.

Asta Twelvetrees: You know, you being an alien sort of explains a lot.

Harry Vanderspeigle: I've been searching for something I lost up on this mountain.
Asta Twelvetrees: What do you mean? Like, a radio to phone home?
Harry Vanderspeigle: How did you guess?
Asta Twelvetrees: Uh... Well, all we know of aliens is from movies, so it's either a radio to phone home, or you're here to kill us... And eat us.
Harry Vanderspeigle: We do not eat humans.
Asta Twelvetrees: Okay.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Ha, ha, ha.
Harry Vanderspeigle: I took shelter in his cabin and used his DNA to take his identity.
Asta Twelvetrees: If he wasn't there, how'd you get his DNA?
Harry Vanderspeigle: Skin cells. They're everywhere. Humans shed 40,000 of them a minute. My people shed their skin in one piece. That way it is easier to eat.
Asta Twelvetrees: Gross.
Harry Vanderspeigle: You are gross.

Asta Twelvetrees: Wait, how did his wife not know you were an imposter?
Harry Vanderspeigle: Some people only see what they want to see. She saw every part of me, but she never knew.

Asta Twelvetrees: What if she gets pregnant and has an alien V baby?
Harry Vanderspeigle: No, she is not pregnant. She would have started to emit a sulfuric scent and then split open with hundreds of babies. She remained... whole.

Harry Vanderspeigle: My breathing duct is filled with blood. You have to reach inside and clear it.
Asta Twelvetrees: Uh, how? I-I don't know how to do that. ....
Harry Vanderspeigle: .... Go slowly to avoid the teeth.
Asta Twelvetrees: What? There are teeth? And four arms? You really owe me for this. You really owe me... Okay. Oh, there's the teeth... I need a visual.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Remember when I examined Mr. Hurley's prostate?
Asta Twelvetrees: Delightful.

Harry Vanderspeigle: Like that monkey movie.
Asta Twelvetrees: What movie? "Planet of the Apes"?
Harry Vanderspeigle: The movie about the flying monkeys. They are in the trees living their lives, and that girl and that vicious dog and those other creatures who had lost their way from that yellow brick road. Theн invade the monkeys' territory.
Asta Twelvetrees: You mean "Wizard of Oz"?
Harry Vanderspeigle: Yes, that is it.
Asta Twelvetrees: Okay, well, the monkeys are the bad guys.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Not to the monkeys...

Asta Twelvetrees: When you say not good, like, how not good?
Harry Vanderspeigle: If a chicken sits on an egg for the right amount of time, you get a perfect little chick.
Asta Twelvetrees: Uh-huh.
Harry Vanderspeigle: But if you do not care about the egg, and you leave it in the sun, it rots and stinks... The Earth is the second one.

Asta Twelvetrees: Hey, Dad.
Dan Twelvetrees: Hell no.
Asta Twelvetrees: Dad...
Dan Twelvetrees: What are you doing hanging with that thing?
Asta Twelvetrees: Do you know what that thing is?
Dan Twelvetrees: Well, it's violating a whole bunch of health codes, I know that for sure.
Asta Twelvetrees: Can you just say it, so there's no confusion?
Dan Twelvetrees: Why's there an alien in my freezer?

Asta Twelvetrees: He's not just an alien, and the alien is someone we know.
Dan Twelvetrees: The mayor. I knew it.

Asta Twelvetrees: I'm right here. I won't let you die.
Harry Vanderspeigle: I believe her. No one's dying today, but now I have my device, so how about tomorrow?... All eight billion of them.

—
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The Green Glow

Resident Alien 1×7

Harry Vanderspeigle: The biggest misconception humans have about the universe is that it's enormous... It's not. It's tiny... It's all so finite and smells of slightly burnt caramel corn. I understand why these dumb humans don't know anything about the extended universe. They've never been there... But the universe has been to them.

Harry Vanderspeigle: The only reason I'm out here is that I needed space.
Isabelle: What?
Harry Vanderspeigle: Yes, space like husbands often say in television shows...
Isabelle: Oh.
Harry Vanderspeigle: And since I am your husband and nothing else, I took one of my nightly drives looking for nothing and ended up at this random place for no reason.

Harry Vanderspeigle: They know I'm stranded here. They must be searching for me. I would grow a mustache as a disguise, but then I'd have to get a job as a firefighter or a pedophile.

Harry Vanderspeigle: We should talk.
Isabelle: Yes?
Harry Vanderspeigle: What are you making for dinner?
Deputy Liv Baker: Well, we can't really be sure they're connected.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Wait, we can't? Did you just say "can't"? I done told you about can't, right? It's negative. Can't you can every now and then?
Deputy Liv Baker: I... can.
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Well, you can't a lot more than you can.

Harry Vanderspeigle: You had one simple mission. You completely failed. And that makes you more than just a loser. That makes you human.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Don't call me that. That's the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me.
Harry Vanderspeigle: You wanted to destroy the human race. The human race destroyed you, you sad, pathetic, stupid, little shit stick.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Now that is the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me.

Harry Vanderspeigle: This is my life now, human being, so I have to live like humans do: occupy my time at a job I loathe, slowly rotting away until I die. What are my choices?

Harry Vanderspeigle: My wife left me, and I lost my job, and my life is horrible.
D'Arcy Bloom: Wow. Sounds like you're writing country music.

Harry Vanderspeigle: My stomach can't get full. I'm still depressed. But it doesn't matter. I don't care.
D'Arcy Bloom: You're doing depression right. The key is to embrace it. Once you accept that you've got nothing, then you've got nothing left to lose. The low point, that's where freedom lives.

Deputy Liv Baker: You've got the right to remain silent...
Sheriff Mike Thompson: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Deputy, "you've"? That's a contraction. You can't contract Miranda. Watch how it's done. You have the right to remain silent....

—
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