Old Friends

Resident Alien 2×1

Harry Vanderspeigle: Being an alien is easier than being a human. We have evolved past having emotions, so we are not forced to deal with things like seasonal depression or road rage. We also have no roads, so nobody can cut you off...

Harry Vanderspeigle: You can sing the song "Itsy Bitsy Spider" to pass the time. You are the spider because everyone hates you and you are itsy bitsy.

Harry Vanderspeigle: I'm an alien. I'm here to kill everyone.

Asta Twelvetrees: Max is gone. What the hell am I gonna tell his parents?
Dan Twelvetrees: Try this. "Your kid is gone. There was an alien involved."

Sheriff Mike Thompson: See, I love how your mind works, Deputy. You're like a true crime podcast. Go ahead. Pod me.

Harry Vanderspeigle: For humans, memory is a big part of who they believe they are. If a human's brain is damaged and that memory is affected... so is their perception of self... With a brain that delicate, they should wear helmets.

Sahar: I'm quick on my feet, which will be great when I'm the first person on Mars. Not first woman, first person.

Sahar: You've been to outer space, which makes you my Guinea pig. I need to know the effect of space flight on the human body before I go to Mars. Have you experienced any dizzy spells?
Max: No.
Sahar: Rapid aging?
Max: No.
Sahar: Increased intellectual capability?
Max: What?
Sahar: That's a no.

Asta Twelvetrees: Did that octopus just call me an idiot?

Octopus: Whoa, whoa! Tell him to break me out! I'm Monday chef's special!

Harry Vanderspeigle: I could have done that.

Harry Vanderspeigle: Humans do not look forward. They have memories that force them to look backwards. The alien in me only failed my mission once, but the human in me has relived that failure a thousand times. Why would I think about it if it's painful? Maybe humans like pain as much as they like pie.

Dan Twelvetrees: So you're an alien?
Harry Vanderspeigle: Yes. And you are Native American.
Dan Twelvetrees: I am Nuche.
Harry Vanderspeigle: What is Nuche?
Dan Twelvetrees: It means "The People."
Harry Vanderspeigle: So I should call you Nuche?
Dan Twelvetrees: You can call me Dan.

Harry Vanderspeigle: Can you go to the store and buy yourself... What are those, little trampolines?
Max: Cool.
Harry Vanderspeigle: Yes. Then take it to the ceiling fan store just down the road. Turn on the overhead ceiling fans and trampoline into them so that your head chops off.

Harry Vanderspeigle: I am stuck here. Do you want to see what my spaceship looks like, hmm? This... this is what is left! I had the coolest whip in town and now, I have a box of alien balls.

Harry Vanderspeigle: If it wasn't for you, I would be on my planet right now eating delicious tree skin. It's like pork rinds, but it doesn't make you vomit.

Harry Vanderspeigle: Memories define who these humans are. And if the memories become too painful or reveal a side of themselves they don't like, their brains tuck those memories away... I am so happy I am not human.

Asta Twelvetrees: You have gills?
Harry Vanderspeigle: You lungers. You are very judgmental. Mm.

Harry Vanderspeigle: All octopuses can talk. They just don't like talking to humans. Number 42 only talked to you because you are with me.
Asta Twelvetrees: His name is number 42?
Harry Vanderspeigle: On the menu. Octopus in black bean sauce. Number 42. And you wonder why they aren't speaking to humans.

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