Brushes with Celebrity

Modern Family 9×8

Sam Anvilmaker: Look, listen, kid. I'm not here to collect panties with phone numbers on them. I'm here to experience the cold absurdity that is being alive.

Manny: Oh, uh... Sorry for bothering you.
Sam Anvilmaker: Here's a writing tip... show me you're sorry for bothering me. Don't tell me.

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On the IMDb

Winner Winner Turkey Dinner

Modern Family 9×7

Manny: Everybody's heard of the H. Bronfman Clothiers Black Friday sale where the hoi polloi fight over tuxedos like animals.

Mitchell: No, you... you are not gonna confess. You're gonna smash that anxiety into a little ball, and you're gonna push it into that little, tiny hole in your soul where childhood traumas go.

Gloria: You said some pretty harsh things to Mrs. Barrish.
Jay: In my defense, um, this banquet she's planning is not historically accurate. For example, I don't remember a tandoori chicken option at the first Thanksgiving...
Principal: We have children here from many ethnicities, and we try to make them all feel included.
Jay: Be that as it may, history does not record Pocahontas asking John Smith to pass the sashimi roll while Myles Standish helps himself to gluten-free huevos rancheros!... After that, it got heated, and we got expelled.
Gloria: "We"?

Gloria: Hey, Google, how much time left on the turkey?

Jay: Joe... tell us about the first Thanksgiving. Come up here, buddy. You got this.
Joe: There was once a land of godless natives. They did not know any better until, one day, the white man arrived... The white man took pity on these primitives by teaching them to cultivate the land. But their kindness was mistaken for aggression, and a war began.
Mitchell: What kind of school is this?
Cameron: This is what I was taught.
Mitchell: What?!
Joe: Eventually, peace was restored, and we bestowed them with our nation's highest honor... naming football teams for them.

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Ten Years Later

Modern Family 9×6

Gloria: I had agreed to do this magic trick at the party with Phil. I go into a box, and then I come out in my wedding dress. But there was a problem... The only logical explanation is that somebody snuck into my closet and shrunk my wedding dress. Like, probably my sister.

Phil: Be cool!
Claire: Phil, it's a magic shop. I'm the coolest person that's ever been in here.

Jay: Look at him. You know, he was raised a mama's boy. Now he's a strong, capable man making nonsense noises that sound a lot like instruments.

Gloria: I tell people that I work hard to stay fit and to stay young, but the reality is that I barely do anything. But now my body is getting...
Jay: Bigger?
Gloria: How dare you! But yes. I've always looked a certain way. And now that I don't, then what am I?

Jay: Gloria, you're so much more than how you look.
Gloria: That's what you say to people that are not that pretty anymore.

Jay: Listen, you gain a couple... who cares? These have been the best 10 years of my life. I'm in it for every pound, every wrinkle, every gray hair. Aww!

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It's the Great Pumpkin, Phil Dunphy

Modern Family 9×5

Haley: Dad, I really want to be excited for you, but Halloween? We're almost old enough to vote.

Claire: Oh, what, you're too old for a little scare?
Alex: The scariest thing is you could be a cheap pick-up line, two beers, and nine months away from being a grandparent, and you just risked asphyxiation in the fridge.

Haley: Mom, Dad? You and Halloween have had some great times together... But it's over. You're way too old, and it's hard to look at.

Phil: As families get older, you have two options... you can force everyone together, or you can accept that traditions die and people move on... Unless you happen to have a giant pumpkin.

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On the IMDb

Catch of the Day

Modern Family 9×3

Claire: It's not costing you money because we are not buying her a new phone.
Haley: What?! But I need it for work! I sit on a stupid golf course all day. What else am I supposed to look at?

Claire: Man plans to go to Steely Dan. God laughs.

Haley: Cherish this. It was the longest I've been without a phone since phones. It was hard at first... the twitching thumbs, the phantom vibrations, salads left un-Instagrammed... But then the strangest thing happened. Have you ever stopped to smell these things? It's been years since I LOL'd IRL. I even found an old book in the truck and started reading it. The only problem was, people kept interrupting. I didn't need a phone anymore. I just needed a quiet place to find out how they kill that mockingbird.

Cameron: Okay, you're a phone-sex operator? ... I didn't even know that still existed. Like, I thought it was all apps and the Internet now.
Pameron: Not everyone leads your coastal-elite lifestyle, Cam. There's a whole country full of decent, hardworking Americans who still want to torque their doolies on the phone, you gargantuan snob!

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The Long Goodbye

Modern Family 9×2

Phil: What do we have here? An electric mitten holder.
Alex: It's a rock-paper-scissors robot I just built.
Phil: What?!
Alex: Its sensors anticipate your next move.
Phil: Maybe for civilians...

Jay: Gun to my head, my top three: Cheddar, Swiss, Gouda.
Gloria: As someone who has actually had a gun to her head, cheese is not what they're going to ask about.

Jay: We dropped you off at college two hours ago. My God, even Haley lasted longer.
Manny: I needed my white noise machine.
Gloria: Or did you need your brown noise machine?
Manny: No, and I think I'm offended for you.

Cameron: I-I-I think I accidentally, on purpose, subconsciously, willfully, burned our kitchen down.
Mitchell: Okay. I-I don't... I don't know about that. Um...
Cameron: No. Let's face it. Like Drew Barrymore, I'm an adorable fire starter.

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Lake Life

Modern Family 9×1

Cameron: You know, growing up on a farm, I always fantasized about lake life. Yeah. You know, anyone can go to the lake. Only the elite can sleep on it.
{ Mitchell: My parents used to take Claire and me every summer when we were kids. }
Cameron: Oh, I just never dreamed I would marry into a lake family.

Claire: It's really fun! But the point was to do it with you. So if that's gonna be a problem...
Phil: No, I-I definitely want to do it. It's just that I'm having a hard time getting my legs to cooperate.

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On the IMDb

The Graduates

Modern Family 8×22

& Phil: Riddle me this... What has two hands, is wound tight, and has a lot of ticks?
    Luke: Alex?
    Phil: Good guess, but no.

& Luke: Mom, Dad, you did all the hard work getting me through high school. You deserve a gift.

---

& Mitchell: So, I’ve narrowed it down to Swiss Coffee and Whispering White. But I can’t decide between matte or satin.
    Cameron: I thought we landed on Eggshell.
    Mitchell: We decided against Eggshell. W-why don’t we just sell the house?!
    Cameron: Why don’t we just paint the floor Eggshell since that’s what I’m walking on.

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Alone Time

Modern Family 8×21

& Cameron: I don’t care. If you want to go alone, go alone. I don’t care.
    Mitchell: Oh, see, you said «I don’t care» twice.
    Cameron: Because that’s how much I don’t care.

& Phil: Oh, God! Haley crying about Dylan, Alex freaking out about school, this is like a big déjà vu.
    Claire: No, déjà vu is when you imagine that you’ve seen something before. This is just vu!

---

& Claire: Where are we going?
    Phil: Let’s let the universe decide... «Family is a gift you receive every day»?
    Claire: So they’re making sarcastic ones now?

& Jay: Nobody keeps me on edge for 500 pages then decides they’re just done writing. Either end the damn story or don’t even write it!

--
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All Things Being Equal

Modern Family 8×20

& Jay: I like his energy. He doesn’t have any.

& Phil: I want you to know that I hear you and will address this post-haste. Now, if we could move on to some unfinished business from the last meeting, um... «My feelings are still hurt from you telling me all the places you want me to put the coin.»

& Barb: He’s just so good with baby Calhoun. I ought to call you «Uncle Secret Touch».
    Mitchell: That seems like a «500 feet away from a playground» kind of nickname.

---

& Barb: You know, you try to hide it, but you are a sensitive soul... «Uncle Sneaky Feeler».
    Mitchell: Yeah, before we go wide with that, let’s, um... not.

& Mitchell: I don’t know what happened. Y-You both have the same lips and... and you kiss the same and...
    Cameron: We did learn to kiss on the same hedge post.
    Mitchell: Ew.

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Frank's Wedding

Modern Family 8×19

& Alex: Mom, you need to control your man. I cannot listen to this character all day.
    Claire: Guys, you know your dad. You know your dad’s dad. We are up against unimaginable forces of goofy. Just remember he does it out of love.

& Jay: I’m turning 70 next year. I know... I look great. One of the few perks of getting up there is the ability to say «no» without guilt. «Can I have a ride to the airport?» No. Do I want to see your niece’s recital? Nuh-unh. «Want to do a walk-a-thon to end global...» I’m gonna stop you right there.

& Jay: Manny, help me out in the garage.
    Manny: Do I get to say no to things I don’t want to do?
    Jay: No, at your age, it’s unlikable. At my age, it’s delightful.

---

& Phil: I’m sorry. I thought this would be fun.
    Haley: Yes, but your idea of fun is often our idea of a horror show.

& Phil: I had no choice!
    Claire: Oh, honey, you always have a choice. You just keep making the wrong ones.

& Frank: That’s the beauty part. She doesn’t know a thing about it... 80% of comedy is surprise. The other 20% is wordplay.

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Five Minutes

Modern Family 8×18

& Claire: Honey, are you sure you’re okay? It’s Saturday night. You’re drinking wine in your bathrobe with a come-from-nowhere cat.
    Alex: What’s wrong with that?
    Phil: Take away the cat, and I’m basically you.

& Manny: Sorry, but I’m not going over 20 miles an hour with this cappuccino machine not strapped in. Once I perfect my foam art skills, my freshman dorm will be the place to be.
    Jay: I think we can put off that talk about using protection.

& Haley: Look, sometimes when I’m reorganizing my closet, I feel overwhelmed, like I’m never gonna get through it all. So I force myself to look at things in smaller sections. I arrange five pairs of shoes at a time. 12 hours later, I’m done.

---

& Haley: So, that’s what we’ll do. We’ll take things five years at a time.
    Rainer: In five years, I’ll be 50.
    Haley: What?!
    Rainer: What did you think 45 plus 5 was?
    Haley: Well, until today, you were 44, which I had basically convinced myself was 40, and now suddenly we’re talking about 50, which is basically 60.

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Basketball

Modern Family 8×16

& Mitchell: Tell us what «c...» is.
    Haley: You told him?!
    Cameron: You can confide in us. We’re middle-aged gay men. Whatever it is, we have heard of it.

---

& Cameron: Candling is where you light a hollow candle and insert it... into one of the ear canals... to remove ear wax.
    Haley: Ah... oh, God. The thing is, I don’t know if I want to be that intimate with Rainer. Am I really ready to see gunk coming out of his ear?

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On the IMDb

Finding Fizbo

Modern Family 8×15

& Phil: Dad’s bachelor party’s gonna be epic... Chicken wraps, white wine, fudge.
    Jay: Is this a bachelor party or a party where ladies sit around watching «The Bachelor»?

& Phil: My dad is marrying my old babysitter Lorraine, who has a son, which means that I am finally getting a brother!

---

& Ray: What the hell’s Uno?
    Jay: Sort of a thinking man’s Crazy Eights.

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On the IMDb

Heavy Is the Head

Modern Family 8×14

& Gloria: Claire, you look terrible.
    Claire: Thanks.
    Gloria: No. I mean, you’re all locked up.

& Alex: ...it taught me something important. If you pretend to be who people want you to be, you can have as many friends as you want. God, I would love another crack at high school...

& Haley: I told Rainer I love his favorite show, «Game of Thrones,» so now he’s taking me to Comic-Con. I don’t love «Game of Thrones.» I’ve never even seen «Game of Thrones.»...
    Manny: This is a lot to cover in four hours. Let’s start with everything you know about George R.R. Martin’s masterwork.
    Haley: Well, I know this guy dies, there’s lots of boobs, and I want to say... a spaceship?

& Alex: ... In summation, no caffeination without representation! So, am I fired?
    Scott: Are you kidding me? Those are 20-ounce ideas in a 16-ounce cup. I have overlooked a rising star... right under my nose.
    Alex: But that’s the...
    Scott: Yes, the assistant manager’s apron.

---

& Jay: Now, let me do the talking.
    Phil: Good. I don’t feel like talking.

& Alex: There’s a whole world of people that would kill to wear this apron, but this just isn’t my path. This extra responsibility has me feeling alienated. It’s lonely one step down from the top.
    Scott: You may not believe this, but it’s even lonelier way up here.

& Manny: ..... And finally, «Hodor,» the only word he would say for the rest of his life, a life that was now ending.
    Haley: He knew. Hodor knew his whole life that his destiny was to save his little friend. Just like you have saved from embarrassment at Comic-Con, so thank you, Manny.
    Manny: My pleasure. I should get going.
    Haley: Oh, my God, me too. I have to change into my Khaleesi costume.
    Manny: I could probably stick around for a few more minutes.

--
On the IMDb

Do It Yourself

Modern Family 8×13

& Phil: I’m not paying $350 for a moisture sensor that costs $28. I’ll fix it myself.
    Yuri: It’s a complicated job. You know what I did back in Russia?
    Phil: Yeah, yeah, I know. You were a doctor or a scientist.
    Yuri: I fixed dryers.

& Phil: Well, Yuri, Phil Dunphy is no pushover. I’m afraid it’s a hard nyet.

---

& Phil: I have an instructional video, and I’m labeling each part as I take it out... «Right-back corner. Tiny elbow-y thingy. My right. Dryer left.»

& Gil Thorpe: Freeze! Police!
    Phil: I’m a realtor. I’m not a criminal.
    Gil Thorpe: Oh, well, then you’re not doing it right.

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On the IMDb

Do You Believe in Magic

Modern Family 8×12

& Jay: Crap. Crap. Crappacino. Charlie Craplin.
    Gloria: In Colombia, when the old man starts yelling at the mail, we put them on a sandbar and wait for the tide to come in.

& Jay: Oh, my God. Is it still talking?
    Gloria: Jay, that’s so rude!
    Jay: He overthinks everything. If you have a shot at the bad girl, jump.

---

& Sal: That cold water woke me up to the hard truth... I’m smart, I’m beautiful, I’m legendary in bed—
    Cameron: Okay.
    Sal: ...yet I do settle. I mean, Werner is not good enough for me. I mean, I get why you two idiots settled. This is the best you’re gonna do, right here. You’re perfectly matched—
    Mitchell: Aww.
    Cameron: Well, it’s kind of sweet when you look at it that way.
    Mitchell: Yeah. We are very lucky.
    Cameron: Happy Valentine’s Day.
    Sal: Shut up. Read a room, poofs.

& Jay: And no more giving underwear to little girls, or anyone else, ’cause it’s creepy and European.

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Sarge & Pea

Modern Family 8×11

& Phil: Luckily, as a former cheerleader, I haven’t lost my gift for lifting spirits. Though I can no longer make an N with my body.

& Gloria: Guys, come look! I did something very bad.

& Gloria: Manny is taking a nap, so I put a pig-a-let in the bed!
    Luke: Oh, my God. Where’d you get that?
    Gloria: You remember those farmers that we met? You’ll be surprised what they’ll do for a couple of big tips.
    Phil: ... What did you hear?

---

& Claire: Hunger, yeah. Definitely. Um, Mitchell is on a diet, speaking of hunger. What can you eat now?
    Mitchell: Uh... less.

& Mitchell: This kindness, I don’t trust it.
    Claire: I know, it’s like a purple sky before a storm.
    Mitchell: Exactly.
    Claire: Beautiful until you realize the birds are agitated and ants are walking in circles.

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On the IMDb

Ringmaster Keifth

Modern Family 8×10

& Jay: Fine, we’ll do it today. What better way to start the new year than by preparing for the worst?

---

& Gloria: ... I made enough money for Manny’s college, so if anything happens, he’ll be okay.
    Jay: That’s amazing. How did I not see this in the bank statements?
    Gloria: Why would I put money that I might need to run away with in the middle of night in the bank? I put it in my disappear bag.

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On the IMDb

Snow Ball

Modern Family 8×9

& Phil: Actually, I was looking forward to it. Maybe meet some of these so-called cheerleaders. Watch their faces when I tell them we could kewpie a scorpion into a cradle catch and then pop up into a split extension... Most of that stuff’s illegal now.

& Claire: Gloria?
    Gloria: My phone English no so good.

---

& Phil: How about ice cream?
    Jay: Too cold.
    Phil: Coffee?
    Jay: Too late.
    Phil: Oh, wait a minute. I’m such an idiot. I forgot about the Clint Eastwood retrospective followed by the scotch tasting where famous athletes from the ’70s tell stories about how life used to be in Youngstown.
    Jay: Really?
    Phil: No! It doesn’t exist. What you want does not exist.

& Jay: I just wanted to read my book...

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