House M.D. 8x22 The End

Everybody Dies

& Kutner: Don’t bother. He’s dead.

& Taub: Wilson is dying. Your parole officer is probably on his way here right now. How are you possibly in a good mood?
    House: Did you never see Dead Poets Society? Carpe diem.

& Adams: Air in his abdomen could mean blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
    Taub: But blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
    Park: Blah. Blah, blah.
    House: Nobody cares about the medicine.

& Foreman: You’re asking me to perjure* myself.
    House: It’s a tiny, white lie. No offense. Especially since, from what I hear, nothing black is tiny. Except your penis, I guess.

& House: I will go to jail, eventually. I will pay the price. I just rather that Wilson didn’t... Come on, be a friend.
    Kutner: “Be a friend”?

& Wilson: You think he could’ve done something stupid?
    Foreman: I think stupid is our best-case scenario.

& House: I’m going to jail, losing my job, losing my best friend. Do I need more?
    Kutner: You think that’s the sum total of who you are? A doctor? A friend to Wilson?
    House: I’m also a tremendous baritone.

& Kutner: Death’s not interesting. You exist for what’s interesting. Puzzles, ideas, analysis. Death is the opposite of a cool puzzle. It’s eternal nothingness... But you don’t find life interesting anymore.

& Amber: Stop being an idiot.
    House: Can I have Kutner back, please?

& House: How are things in hell? Is the humidity the big issue?

& Patient: I’m not gonna stop doing drugs! It’s reality that sucks!

& House: You’re saying I’m lying... to my subconscious?
    Amber: People do it all the time. And like it or not, you are a person.

& Amber: Context matters.

& Foreman: Why are you doing this? Why are you risking destroying yourself?
    House: There’s no risk. I know you. You’ll do the honest thing. You’ll lie.

& Amber: You’re smiling.
    House: I was, and now I’m not because a moment’s fun a few days ago does not trump a friend dying.
    Amber: Yeah, it does, you idiot. ’Cause after he’s dead, you cry for a while, and then you go back to doing what you love.
    House: Every patient that I’ve had, 70 years from now, they’ll all be as dead as Wilson. Everybody dies. It’s meaningless.
    Amber: When you solve a puzzle, the world makes sense, and everything feels right. And you’ll always have another one, because people always get sick. It’s shallow* and it’s insignificant, but if you don’t give a damn if idiots live, why would you possibly give a damn about shallowness? It makes you happy. And why would you need more than that? Go home.

& Stacy: What about God?

& House: Pascal’s wager is facile*.
    Stacy: Saying it’s facile is facile.

& House: You can’t live your life based on something you don’t believe.
    Stacy: But you can end your life based on something you don’t believe?.. What about love? I lived with you for years. I know you believe in love.

& Wilson: What if I end up in jail? Or spending my final months in endless hearings?
    House: That is a risk you are willing to take.

& Stacy: Hold your child.

& Stacy: Get up. You do not have to die in here!

---

& House: Is this hell?.. An eternity of people trying to convince me to live?
    Cameron: Who says I’m here to convince you to live?

& Cameron: I think... you’ve suffered enough. You’ve given enough. I think you deserve a chance to just... give up.
    House: Like Wilson did?
    Cameron: Like Wilson did. You accepted his choice, that ending the pain was better than the pain. Why can’t you give yourself that gift?

& Foreman: This is the address House’s patient gave?
    Wilson: Everybody lies.

& House: Motives don’t matter. Only actions.
    Patient: Trying is an action.

& Cameron: You’re taking the cowardly way out. And worse... you’re too cowardly to even admit you’re taking the cowardly way out.
    House: You’re right... But I can change.

& Park: House hired me when no one else would.
    Adams: He got me fired. He gave me the guts to get fired.
    Masters: He gave me the courage to quit.
    Blythe: Gregory was... he was a good son.
    Stacy: He was a trying boyfriend, but I... never stopped loving him.
    Dominika: He was my husband for real... I couldn’t help but love him.
    Foreman: He was my boss. And my employee. And both times... I learned from him.
    Taub: He made me a better parent, whether he meant to or not.
    Thirteen: He was willing to kill me. And I’ll always be grateful.
    Chase: He wasn’t always easy to deal with.
    Cameron: But somewhere in there... he knew how to love.
    Wilson: He was my friend. The thing you have to... remember... the thing you can’t forget... is that Gregory House saved lives. He was a healer. And... and in the end... House was an ass. He mocked anyone... patients, co-workers, his dwindling friends... anyone who didn’t measure up to his insane ideals of integrity. He claimed to be on some heroic quest for truth, but the truth is, he was a bitter jerk who liked making people miserable. And he proved that by dying selfishly, numbed by narcotics, without a thought of anyone. A betrayal of everyone who cared about him.

& Wilson: Phone... Oh, come on. This is a funeral. Just get it.

& House: I’m dead, Wilson. How do you want to spend your last five months?

Keep Me In Your Heart by Warren Zevon
♪ Shadows are falling ♪
♪ and I’m running out of breath ♪
♪ keep me in your heart for a while ♪
♪ If I leave you, it doesn’t mean I love you any less ♪
♪ keep me in your heart for a while ♪
♪ when you get up in the morning ♪
♪ and you see that crazy sun ♪
♪ keep me in your heart for a while ♪
♪ there’s a train leaving nightly ♪
♪ called when all is said and done ♪
♪ keep me your heart for a while ♪
♪ sha-la-la-la ♪

& Wilson: When the cancer starts getting really bad...
House: Cancer’s boring.

Enjoy Yourself by Louis Prima
♪ Enjoy yourself ♪
♪ it’s later than you think ♪
♪ enjoy yourself ♪
♪ while you’re still in the pink ♪
♪ the years go by ♪
♪ as quickly as a wink ♪
♪ enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself ♪
♪ it’s later than you think, hey ♪

♪ you’re gonna take that two-week trip ♪
♪ no matter come what may ♪
♪ but every year you put it off ♪
♪ you just can’t get away ♪
♪ next year for sure you’ll hit the road ♪
♪ you’ll really get around ♪
♪ but how far can you travel ♪
♪ when you’re six feet underground? ♪

♪ Enjoy yourself ♪
♪ it’s later than you think ♪
♪ enjoy yourself ♪
♪ while you’re still in the pink ♪
♪ the years go by ♪
♪ as quickly as a wink ♪
♪ enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself ♪
♪ it’s later than you think, hey ♪
♪ enjoy yourself ♪
♪ don’t be a fool ♪

--
perjure — лжесвидетельствовать; нарушать клятву
shallow — мелкий; поверхностный; пустой
facile — поверхностный; легкий; не требующий усилий

On the Imdb.

House M.D. 8x21

Holding On

& Wilson: I’m not doing any more chemo.
    House: Good plan. You’ll be dead in five months.

& House: I’m not gonna let you just die.

& Foreman: One set of season tickets. Got the seat next to you.
    House: First game is October 8th... That’s about one month after Wilson’s expiration date.

& House: My best friend is trying to kill himself!
    Adams: He just wants to die with a little dignity.
    House: There’s no such thing.
    Adams: It’s not your choice, House. Your only choice here is between acceptance and misery.

& House: All I did was temporarily kill you.
    Wilson: How was it? What... I don’t... I wasn’t dead. I was unconscious.
    House: No dreams, no thoughts. You experienced nothing. Now, imagine that without the waking up on the couch part. Just nothing times infinity.

& House: Is there anybody else here who’s alive today because of Dr. James Wilson?

& Foreman: What’s this?
    Taub: A glowing letter of recommendation you just wrote for me on my laptop. I notice it’s lacking your signature at the bottom.

& Wilson: One of my patients suddenly started crying.
    Thirteen: It can’t be your first.
    Wilson: The first one... who was crying for me.
    Thirteen: It’s the human response. It’s either overly saccharine, because giving sympathy makes them feel better, or they ignore you, because hiding from mortality makes them feel better.
    Wilson: Why can’t they just say something that makes me feel better?
    Thirteen: Like what, exactly?
    Wilson: ....... I don’t know.
    Thirteen: No.

& Thirteen: The prodigal daughter returns.

---

& House: He’s angry because I want him to live longer.
    Thirteen: Who wouldn’t be? Friends respect each other’s decisions, even if they don’t agree with them. It’s called loyalty.
    House: Loyalty is a tool to get people to do things they don’t wanna do.

& House: I surrender. ... No more tricks. No more manipulations.
    Wilson: Said Machiavelli.

& Wilson: Our entire relationship has been about you. My dying is about me.

& Taub: You can’t just give up on Wilson. You know he needs you. You know he’s making an impossible choice. He just doesn’t want to live in pain.
    House: Life is pain! I wake up every morning, I’m in pain! I go to work in pain! You know how many times I wanted to just give up?! How many times I thought about ending it?!!

& Park: You’ve spent your whole life looking for the truth. But sometimes the truth just sucks.

& Wilson: I’m ready to start the next round of chemo.
    House: Why?
    Wilson: Because you need me and... I don’t think that’s a bad thing anymore.
    House: No... You’re the only one I listen to. The last couple of days, I didn’t, and I almost killed my patient. So I think it’s time for me to accept that... you’re just smarter than I am.
    Wilson: Are you really okay that there’s only five months left?
    House: No. But it’s better than nothing.

Motopony — Euphoria

♪ Euphoria, euphoria ♪
♪ you come at such a price ♪
♪ every time I hit a home run ♪
♪ Perhaps in that euphoria ♪
♪ you’ll be forever mine ♪

& — You have to report to Mercer County Jail on Monday to serve out the rest of your sentence.
    House: And that’s... that’s how long?
    Foreman: I’m sorry.
    House: How long?
    Foreman: ....... Six months.

--
On the Imdb.

__ How can we live without a weekly dose of VicodinHouse?..

House M.D. 8x20

Post Mortem

& Wilson: Yes, it’s mine. And yes, I know that I can’t drive stick. And no, I don’t care that I parked in a handicapped spot.
    House: “Staring death in the face has changed my life.” What a cliche.
    Wilson: The cliche is to lead a more meaningful life. I’ve taken a holy vow to lead a less meaningful one. I’ve spent my life caring, giving, and searching for the profound. Now it’s time for selfishness, indifference, and embracing the shallow*.

& Wilson: Indifference.

& House: Interesting. Cotard delusion. Also known as “walking corpse syndrome.” ... Case solved. Rendering it... What’s the past-tense of “interesting?”

& Foreman: Treiber won’t let any other doctor near him. He trusts your work.
    Chase: Treiber’s the patient?
    House: What’s the future tense of “interesting”?

& Dr. Treiber: [Houses’s] diagnostic error metric is .17 compared to the hospital average of .32.
    Adams: You actually think you can quantify the value of every doctor?
    Treiber: Someone should.

& Park: Every doctor, every diagnosis, every treatment, every result. It’s pretty impressive.
    Taub: It’s pretty Orwellian. All written in his secret code.

& Wilson: Thought we’d make it a road trip. ’80s music, junk food, beer...
    House: I have a dental appointment. That I’m going to make now.

& Taub: You want to lie to a guy whose favorite pastime is getting doctors fired?
    Chase: We’re adults with advanced medical training, not children left alone with scissors. It’s one X-ray.

---

& House: If we had a phone, we could’ve found somewhere a little less charming.
    Wilson: If we had a phone, you’d be making calls, downloading porn, and playing Angry Birds. This trip is about me, and I like this place.

& House: Bacon burger with fries looks awful... I’ll have that.
    Wilson: I’ll have... the Big One.
    Waitress: You sure? It’s $79.
    Wilson: Unless I finish it in an hour, in which case, it’s free.
    House: It’s an 80-ounce steak.
    Wilson: I’m hungry... And an iced tea, please.

& House: This place doesn’t take credit cards.
    Wilson: My meal is going to be free, and I’m going to be inducted into the wall of pain.
    House: Hello, Kyle.

& Treiber: No hard feelings, right?
    Chase: You’ll find out when you wake up. If you really think I’m a good doctor, why do you treat me like an idiot?
    Treiber: It’s not because you lack talent. It’s ’cause you’ve wasted it.

& House: Must be nice to be puking for the old-fashioned reasons.

& Treiber: You’ve been given everything. Looks, talent, my future... Nine years later, look what you’ve done with it.

& Chase: When House was in prison, you worked at Mercy in plastics, right? Know what I did?.. Surfed. For nine months. {...} A fellowship’s supposed to train you to stand on your own. Foreman’s Dean of the hospital, Cameron’s head of emergency medicine in Chicago.
    Taub: And Kutner and Amber are dead, and Thirteen is having sweet, sapphic sex on some island.

& Wilson: I want a threesome.
    House: Shouldn’t we try a twosome first?
    Wilson: Two women.
    House: Oh.

& Wilson: Bartender seems nice.
    House: Seems female.

& House: So, how was it? Was the amateur as good as the pro?
    Wilson: It was confusing... Perfunctory*... A bit sad.
    House: Never mind.
    Wilson: ...And exactly what I needed. Thank you. You feel like buying me breakfast?.. One of them stole my wallet.

& House: Wallets go in the minibar freezer. If there’s no minibar, the toilet tank.

& Chase: And when this case is over, I’m quitting.

& House: This is Oubliette, Ohio. Buses don’t run here after 1968.
    Wilson: Ina said there’s a bus every 15 minutes.
    House: Ina is living in Alzheimersville. Been here at least half an hour.
    Wilson: Where are you going, Ina?
    Ina: Naples, Florida.

& House: Good-bye, Kyle...
    Ina: Bus comes every 15 minutes.
    House: Oh, shut up.

& Chase: You didn’t come down here as my boss or my friend. You came down as House. You’re trying to insult me into making a decision.
    Foreman: We’ve both seen it work... Either you rise to the challenge and quit, or you stay. As a team member.

& Wilson: I blew it.
    House: Oh, God, here it comes.

& Chase: My locker key.

Kathleen Edwards — A Soft Place to Land

♪ You think this is easy ♪
♪ Without any strings attached ♪
♪ Well, I’m lookin’ for ♪
♪ a soft place to land ♪
♪ The palms of your hands ♪
♪ I’m lookin’ for ♪
♪ a soft place to land ♪

& House: You come here so I could talk you out of it?
    Chase: I came to say thank you.

& House: It’s been fun.
    Chase: Fun?!
    House: Sounded pithier* than... “We’ve shared a variety of situations.”

& House: Legal loophole. 13th Amendment. Abraham Lincoln may have looked great in that hat, but his labor policies........
    Wilson: House?......

--
shallow — мелкий; поверхностный; пустой
Perfunctory — поверхностный; формальный; небрежный
pithy — содержательный; сжатый

On the Imdb.

House M.D. 8x19

The C-Word

& House: Is that our precious little bundle of tumor?

& Wilson: How did you know I was here?
    House: How do you think?
    Wilson: Foreman.
    House: Actually, that would have been easier. No, I followed you.

& House: I’m here as a towering pillar of strength.
    Wilson: Be a pillar in the parking lot.
    House: No. How many times have I told you I wanted to be alone and you’ve made yourself a pain in the ass? I owe you.

& Taub: House taking time off is a bad sign.
    Adams: “A bad sign...” You think the apocalypse is coming because House wants to be there for Wilson?
    Taub: Yes. You’re new.

& Chase: Elizabeth Lawson... Emily Lawson...
    Dr. Elizabeth Lawson: I’m here as a doctor, not a mother.

& Wilson: We’re done here. I’ll look for a doctor with some actual balls.
    Dr. Mike: Hey, you need to talk to your friend. He’s embarrassing himself. A doctor should be able to handle his own illness with a little bit more dignity.
    House: ...I agree with Wilson.
    Mike: My recommended treatment is sound.
    House: No, I meant about the ball-less part. Explains the office.

& Elizabeth: They’re gonna take you for an MRI now.
    Adams: It means “magic really cool images.”
    Emily Lawson: I thought it stood for “magnetic resonance imaging.”
    Simon: We’ve spent a lot of time in hospitals.

& Elizabeth: I don’t mean to pull rank here, but I am her mother.
    Chase: I thought you said you were here as a doctor.
    Elizabeth: And as a doctor, I need parental consent. See above. While I’m gone, please start her on Chelation Therapy.

& Chase: She’s the mother... So let’s treat her like any other mother.

& Wilson: Go away. I have a headache.
    House: We don’t have to have sex. Sometimes it’s nice just to cuddle and talk.

& House: Question is, why didn’t you tell me? Because you knew I’d stop you. Which means... you’ve already found someone... insane enough... or desperate enough to give you what amounts to a death dose of chemicals. But who would be that stupid? I’m thinking that the who is you. Where exactly were you planning on killing yourself?

& Wilson: I am not going to die slowly in a hospital bed under fluorescent lighting with people stopping by to gawk* and lie about how I look. Even a small chance of that happening is too big a chance for me!
    House: ...You’re an idiot. And the odds say you’re gonna die... We’ll do it at my place.

& House: To stupidity! ... Mm, not quite done. To muscle aches, spasms... To your joints feeling like they’re being ripped out and replaced with shards of broken glass.
    Wilson: Should I be writing any of this down?
    House: Your stomach fills with bile. When you vomit, it feels like someone’s forcing a white hot hammer down your esophagus, tearing your flesh. Blood’s dripping down the back of your throat, choking and gagging you with the slick, coppery taste of burnt pennies.
    Wilson: I am an Oncologist. I know...
    House: If you did, we wouldn’t be sitting here. Day two: Your white blood cells are gone, opening up your system to attack. Your temperature skyrockets. One second, your skin feels like it’s on fire. The next second, it’s entombed in ice. Every pain sensor in your body is firing at the same time until agony isn’t even a word or a concept... it’s your only reality. You hallucinate... You dream of death... And then the race begins. Can your body claw its way back in time before the hostile organisms and parasites claim you permanently?.. Win, you live. Lose, you die... Now what are we doing here, Wilson?

---

& Wilson: If things go wrong, I just want you to know...
    House: If you’re gonna say that you’ve always been secretly gay for me... everyone always just kind of assumed it.

& John: You said it wasn’t my fault.
    Wilson: It wasn’t, John.
    John: If I didn’t do nothing wrong, why did I die?
    Wilson: I don’t know.

& House: Are you okay? I mean, apart from the pain, vomiting, diarrhea, and cramps?

& Wilson: I need more morphine.
    House: We’re out. You’ve been using my personal supply of painkillers for the last eight hours.
    Wilson: You have... you have enough for both of us?
    House: I’ve got enough stashed around here for a minyan.

& Wilson: It’s pathetic! I’m pathetic! An oncologist with cancer... Of all the things that could be killing me... It’s like the universe is giving me the big middle finger.
    House: The universe doesn’t care...
    Wilson: Why me?!

& Wilson: I’m always telling my patients not to torture themselves, because there’s no answer.
    House: Sound advice.
    Wilson: It’s cruel advice. They were just trying to make sense of what was happening to them, and I’m there telling them not to bother?!.. I should have spent my life being more like you. Should have been a manipulative, self-centered, narcissistic ass who brought misery to everything and everyone in his life.
    House: You’d still have cancer.
    Wilson: Yeah! But at least I’d feel like I deserved it.

& Wilson: Win or lose. Win or lose. That was the deal.
    House: That was the deal when there was an “or”. You can’t win this.
    Wilson: No. No. I’d rather die here. Not in an ambulance. Not in a hospital. Please, you can’t do that to me.

& Chase: We’re on our own here, so just give me some theories we can use.

& Wilson: I seem to recall I said some things to you...
    House: You talked a lot. I stopped listening after you confessed your fear of dolphins.

& Wilson: I thought you said you had plenty of Vicodin.
    House: Everybody lies.
    Wilson: So the way I felt, you feel that, what... most of the time? It really does suck being you, doesn’t it?
    House: At least I don’t have cancer.

Any Way You Want It — Journey

♪ Any way you want it ♪
♪ that’s the way you need it ♪
♪ any way you want it ♪
♪ she loves to laugh ♪
♪ she loves to sing ♪
♪ she does everything ♪
♪ she loves to move ♪
♪ she loves to groove ♪
♪ she loves the lovin’ things ♪
♪ ooh, all night ♪
♪ all night ♪
♪ oh, every night ♪

--
gawk — таращить глаза

On the Imdb.

House M.D. 8x18

Body and Soul

& House: What was he dreaming about?
    Park: It doesn’t matter. It’s a dream. {...}
    House: What did you dream of?
    Park: I never remember my dreams.
    House: But you’re certain that they’re insignificant. Defensively so.
    Park: I was defending science.
    House: You were defensively defending science.

& House: I had a dream.
    Wilson: House... We can talk later.
    House: Relax, I’m a doctor. Your spectacular breasts mean nothing to me.
    Wilson: House... House!

& Wilson: Later.
    House: I had sex with Dominika.
    Wilson: In a dream?
    House: It wasn’t literally sex. Technically, it was flossing. You know, teeth, testicles... I think the symbolism is pretty clear.
    Wilson: “Later” just changed to “never.”

& Taub: I’ll tell you what would be weirder, if you didn’t dream about having sex with Chase.
    Park: Have you?
    Taub: No.

& Park: It means something, doesn’t it?.. I work with him. I can’t want to sleep with him.
    Taub: Maybe Chase just represents work. You’re just falling in love with your job.
    Park: It has been very satisfying lately.

& House: ...probably because of this green G-string she hangs up to dry in the bathroom.
    Wilson: My watch must have stopped. Apparently it’s already “never.”

& Wilson: She can move out, but she still doesn’t know it, which means you’re basically holding her prisoner. Tell her the truth, and leave me alone.

& House: ...It sucks.
    Dominika: No, it’s... it’s not suck to live with you. It’s been fun, but... you know, I just want to be legal.
    House: ... And you will be. Absolutely.
{ So this it? A month till all this (means House M. D. himself and House TV show) end? }

---

& House: Interesting.
    Chase: So we should start treating...
    House: Interesting that you keep falling for it when I say “interesting.” The scleroderma part was idiotic... we’d have seen skin involvement. The interesting part is that you and Park agree, but you’re not able to look at each other.
    Chase: Um... I’m looking at her.
    Park: I’m looking at him.
    House: Good, now lick your lips.

& Dominika: What is happening to boy with demons?
    House: Absence of evidence on an MRI, which my team has mistaken for evidence of absence.

& Dominika: This is what I am not understanding: How can you believe in dark matters but not in dark spirits? Is... is the idea of demons so different than the Higgs boson? We can’t see it, but we can see the impact of its presence. ... I borrowed your physics book.

& Chase: Bitch.
    Park: Dick!

& Park: You coming?
    Chase: Why didn’t your lips move when you said that?
    Park: Chase! You coming?

& Taub: Was he?..
    Adams: Yes. ... He was levitating.
    House: Cool. So the one thing we know for sure is he was not levitating.

& House: And good news for Park: I think Chase had a sex dream about you.
    Chase: Dreams don’t mean anything!

& House: Since we’re establishing a new policy of “What the hell, we’ll try anything,” I’d like to hire Shakira to belly dance while singing Waka Waka.
    Foreman: As long as you get the mom and Shakira to consent.

& Foreman: You’re not going anywhere, and we’re not “ratifying” their beliefs, we’re respecting them.
    House: You do realize it may involve animal sacrifice... People who live in glass hospitals should not throw exorcisms.

& House: What are you doing?
    Dominika: Comforting my husband after a bad day... If this is not what you want, I go back to making dinner.

Wilco — Black Moon

♪ I was always right ♪
♪ about the morning ♪
♪ okay, I’m an old shoe ♪
♪ danced above the blaze ♪
♪ never stopped crawling ♪
♪ over ♪
♪ The black dunes ♪
♪ and I’m waiting ♪
♪ for you ♪

& Park: Was I good?
    Chase: Doesn’t mean anything. Idea got planted. It was probably inevitable.

& Park: I’m weird, and you’re pretty, but we connect. We feel safe. We trust each other.
    Chase: Maybe.
    Park: ... Just testing my theory.

& House: Dominika moved out. She was fun. She was hot. She fixed my blender... That is not a metaphor.

& Wilson: I have cancer, House.

--
On the Imdb.

House M.D. 8x17

We Need the Eggs

& — You just won your girlfriend a Teddy bear.
    Henry: Cool. Hey, which one you think she’d like best?

& House: 35-year-old male cries blood, and he’s not vampire Bill. Go!

& Adams: Should we ask?..
    Chase: Nope!
    House: What, her? Yeah, my favorite companion is retiring from “companning.” So I’m interviewing replacements.

& Adams: How long are you gonna be using the office for sex games? Just so I can plan my day.
    House: Sex and work? I’m not a savage.

& House: I asked for a cappuccino.
    Butterscotch: That’s what this is.
    House: No, a cappuccino’s got a nice, stiff foam on it. This is wetter than... Oh... almost slipped there.

& House: Take a seat, Fawn. And tell me, what’s your favorite Woody Allen movie?
    Fawn: Annie Hall.
    Chase: You’re interviewing hookers but not gonna talk to them about sex?
    House: Sex is a given. They’re hookers.

& House: Call-girl... sorry, call-woman... needs a combination of skills that I find useful/entertaining for the remaining 57 minutes of the hour I paid for.

& Park: Have you ever paid for sex?
    Taub: Every guy who’s ever seen a Merchant Ivory movie has paid for sex. No. It just... seems too demeaning to women.
    Park: Given the things you’ve done to women, that seems arbitrary.

& Taub: Park has a boyfriend.
    Park: I’ll break your face.

& House: This is the talent portion of the interview.
    Adams: Okay. You like cards. But you can juggle. I fail to see how this would be of benefit to you.
    House: What if I’m busy?

---

& House: Well, thank you, ladies. I’ve seen a lot of very talented candidates. Got a tough decision the next few days. This is the part I hate.

& Dominika: What is “Fudgey Gonzalez”?
    House: Uh, imagine a “Vanilla Gonzalez,” but from the other side.

& Chase: Does the doll talk to you?
    Henry: I know she’s not a real person. In a lot of ways, she’s better than a person. I can tell her things, and she won’t argue with me or make fun of me. I come home every night, and I know she’ll be there waiting.
    Adams: So is your toaster.
    Henry: No one in the world has an emotional attachment to a toaster. But a lot of people are willing to spend $7,000 on women like Amy.

& Henry: Maybe the perfect woman’s out there somewhere, but it’s not worth going through what it would take to find her. Amy makes me happy.

& Chase: He didn’t have a thought disorder. And you don’t think it’s “disordered” to talk to...
    Adams: It’s not all that different from talking to your cat or a Teddy bear.
    House: You don’t have sex with your cat or Teddy bear. If you did, you’d probably talk to them more.

& House: Guy loves an imaginary being who’s never going to respond to him. He’s no crazier than millions of churchgoers.

& House: You do understand the irony here? Every person in this room has a sex doll. At least the patient has the stones to be honest about it.
Ooh, a metaphor! What you didn’t foresee is that is that I actually do have a sex doll.
    House: Your doll is your kids. Yours is your parents, yours is your charity. All excuses for not being in a relationship.
    Chase: He’s not wrong.
    House: And you...

& Wilson: You are a horrible person.
    House: All I need is to break up one marriage. You’ve broken up three of your own. You’re like the Stephen Hawking of killing relationships.

The Association’s — Never My Love

♪ You ask me if there’ll come a time ♪
♪ when I grow tired of you ♪
♪ never my love ♪
♪ never my love ♪

& Dominika: No man comes out. But old naked lady in 3-C is eating whole block of cheese.

& Henry: Molly... I’d like you to meet Amy.

& Adams: How about all five of us live together and the $7,000 sex doll? It’ll solve all our hang-ups.
    Taub: $7,000?
    House: Adams suggests that we all sleep together, and your issue is high prices?

& Taub: Why?
    House: Because I don’t know the answer.

& Wilson: Foosball?
    House: Can’t. Marriage to destroy.
    Wilson: Okay...
    House: “Okay” as in passive-aggressive reverse psychology? Or as in depressed resignation?
    Wilson: “Okay” as in I changed my mind.

& House: It’s not a marriage! It’s a felony.
    Emily: I’ve seen how she looks at you when you’re together. Trust me. She likes you... And I’ve seen how you look at her.

& Adams: Do you... want to get a drink?
    Chase: To annoy Park or to prove House wrong?

I Got You Babe

♪ they say we’re young and we don’t know ♪
♪ we won’t find out until we grow ♪
♪ well, I don’t know if all that’s true ♪
♪ ’cause you got me and baby I got you ♪
♪ babe ♪
♪ I got you babe ♪
♪ I got you babe ♪

--
On the Imdb.

House M.D. 8x16

Gut Check

& Chase: Fighting’s the best part of hockey. Without it, you’ve got the Ice Capades.
    Taub: Fighting has nothing to do with hockey. It’s like the cheerleaders at a basketball game.
    Chase: Cheerleading’s the best part of basketball. Without it you’ve got... Basketball.

& House: Taub... I’d tell you why I think your theory is not just wrong but ill-conceived, but it’s more fun to prove it by having you check the stool for blood. And while we wait for the stool fairy, I’m a man down, so you want to drop your pants and hit the ice.

& House: The sound of a needy child is stirring your paternal juices.
    Wilson: The sound of a needy child at 112 decibels has stirred my inner murderer.

& Wilson: There are actually things in this world that give life even more meaning than soap operas and monster trucks.

& House: ... You passed out. She called that night, asked me to give you a message. She said she was pregnant... Which, God and Planned Parenthood willing, means you are the father of an 11-year-old.

& Wilson: Who knows what Beth told him about you?..
    House: At worst, you’re a rapist. At best... you’re a rapist.
    Wilson: Maybe she said I was a dead war hero.

& Wilson: You’re assuming he’s going to be a nightmare. What if he’s a good kid?
    House: He’s a kid. Best you can hope for is he’s a nightmare.

& Park: I moved into Chase’s apartment!
    Chase: ?????
    Park: He knows. He was staring at our matching cups! I told you we should split up... We’re not having sex! With each other..
    House: Yet.
    Park: Yes.
    Chase: Yes?!!
    Park: I just mean no one knows the future right now, so we don’t really know...

---

& House: Why? Are you trying to sleep with her? ’Cause the simpler technique is just to ask.
    Chase: I was doing something nice.
    House: Mm, no... Th... mm. No, that doesn’t fit.

& Wilson: You want... peanut butter?
    Duncan: Do you have prosciutto?
    Wilson: You like prosciutto?
    Duncan: I’m weird.
    Wilson: No, no. I... I like it too. I’ve got some in the fridge.
    Duncan: How about goat cheese?
    Wilson: I love goat cheese.

& Wilson: I could give you crap for making me wait 11 years, but instead I’m going to thank you for not making me wait another 11.
    House: Every little girl wants a pony... till they have to clean up after it.

& Duncan: Please don’t send me to the jungle.

& House: Why shouldn’t I take you off all my cases?
    Taub: Because you were right. I hate bullies.
    House: You work for me.
    Taub: You’re not a bully.
    House: Pretty sure I am, dickwad.
    Taub: I’ve known a lot of bullies... people who didn’t like me because I’m short, people who didn’t like me because I’m Jewish...
    House: Yeah, I get it. There’s a long list of reasons not to like you. You relentlessly mock, but it’s not for self-aggrandizement*. It’s because ideas are bigger than feelings. At least that’s what I choose to believe.

& House: You little Hebe. Here’s some ideas for you. You screwed up. You kept on screwing up. Everything you said is true, except... It doesn’t mean you walk away. You just learn to trust nothing. Everything you think you feel, everything you think you know. Question every call, play through every whistle.
    Taub: I just had a light bulb.
    House: Maybe. You can trust light bulbs.

& Duncan: If you’re going to get pissy, remember, it was House’s idea.

& Park: I’m not sleeping with you!
    Chase: That’s a shame.
    Park: This is about Popo.
    Chase: She’s not sleeping with me either, right?
    Park: You were jealous of me. My family.
    Chase: Maybe you’ve got too much, and I’ve got too little.
    Park: I might sleep with you after all.

& House: Pass the bacon.
    Wilson: I thought you liked prosciutto.
    House: Nobody likes prosciutto.

--
aggrandizement — возвеличивание

On the Imdb.

House M.D. 8x15

Blowing the Whistle

& Park: Why couldn’t they take care of him at a military hospital?
    House: I think because they wanted to annoy you.

& Park: So I’m the only one who has a problem when someone whose duty’s to protect our country blowing—
    House: Blowing the whistle is honorable precisely because it’s not dutiful. Sorry, you said blowing.

& Adams: Give those back!
    House: Why? You got 28. You can share.

& Adams: I’m not saying he’s definitely sick. I’m just saying we should look into it.
    Chase: No, we shouldn’t. If you believe House is sick, it’s only because that’s what he wants you to believe.

& House: Pleading* guilty is not honorable. It’s just stupid.

& House: What is honor? The dying for your country?.. Getting straight As?.. Killing your daughter because she had the audacity* to get raped?.. People define honor as whatever makes them feel honorable. It’s a circle going nowhere. Which I guess is what circles do.

& House: Forge it.
    Adams: I will. From now on. But I need the original signature so I know what to forge.

& Adams: It’s curable, but if he doesn’t get treatment, it could actually be fatal.
    Wilson: This happens all the time. One of the symptoms of working for House... you start seeing zebras everywhere. There’s nothing wrong with him.

& Wilson: House.
    House: Shh. I’m with a patient... Sleep study.

---

& Wilson: I think you’re sick.
    House: What, ’cause I’m sleeping in the clinic like I always do?
    Wilson: ... Slow reaction time.
    House: Because I just woke up from sleeping in the clinic like I always do.

& Wilson: I’ll do the examination myself.
    House: While having you juggle my jewels sounds interesting, there’s no such thing as friends with benefits. It always gets weird.

& Adams: You defend the patient for being a whistleblower, then attack him for being an honorable whistleblower. Now you defend him for being a maligned*, honorable whistleblower?
    House: Adjectives matter. Hate nurses, love naughty nurses.

& Taub: Say bye-bye, House. Yes! Yes!!

& Park: House never loses.
    Taub: Seriously? Me beating House is medically significant?

& Chase: You really think it’s a coincidence that we’re treating a whistleblower and now talking about blowing the whistle on House? You’re right. Playing dumb, messy signature, losing a video game— it’s way too complicated to fake.

& Adams: And if we start you on treatment now, get you off Vicodin—
    House: What’s the opposite of “thank you”? I’m pretty sure it ends in “you”.

& Brant: Who are you?
    House: Well, considering the only people allowed in this room are your doctors and your family... I’m your long-lost cousin Ralph.

& House: I want to reject our current diagnosis because I think we’re wrong. And treating for wrong diagnoses can result in side effects like death.

& Foreman: Talk to you for a minute?
    House: Anything you have to say to me, you can say to them. It’s only fair. Cause anything they say to me, they also say to you.

& House: The patient’s infection is an inherently less interesting puzzle than the stab wound to my back.

& Foreman: You tortured them to torture me just to see who you could trust?
    House: I did it to save lives. God, I wish I could rationalize that one.
    Park: And now you’re going to brilliantly deduce which one of us is the rat?
    House: What makes you think I haven’t already? ...... To be continued. I need to brilliantly cure a patient.

& Hayes: You did what you thought you had to do.
    House: Going to jail proves nothing.
    Brant: It proves I still have my honor.
    House: You’re not doing this for honor. You’re doing this to please your father. And the pathetic thing is that the man you’re trying to please never existed.

& Wilson: I’ve been avoiding you because you’re an ass.
    House: I’ve been an ass my whole life.

& House: His name’s li’l Chase. He’s a rat. You’re a rat. Get it?

--
Pleading guilty — Признал себя виновным
audacity — смелость; наглость
maligned — оклеветанный

On the Imdb.

Межсезонье

Speaking of off-season. The [H]ouse (M. D.), Piece of Wrap. They all're so young.

House M.D. 8x14

Love is Blind

& House: You lying sack of crap!
    Taub: I have them right in front of me.
    House: Not you. This time. My former BFF. He’s S-M-I-T-B-A-W-S. Stabbing me in the back as we speak.

& House: If anyone should happen to ask, I’m in an out-of-state medical conference until further notice. {...} Also, if anyone should further happen to ask, I spent the whole last year in Africa with Doctors Without Boundaries.
    Adams: Who are you hiding from?
    House: Evil.

& Blythe: Nice to meet you. I’m Blythe, his mother.

& Park: I’m Doctor Park, by the way. I’m 5’2″, Asian, and I’m totally cool with it if you wanna feel my face.
    Melissa: Blind people only do that in movies. But you sound nice, so if you want me to...

& Melissa: I haven’t seen him for the last five months.
    Will: We were on a break. Like Rachel and Ross on Friends. Never seen the show myself, but I hear it’s good. ... That joke usually kills my blind friends.

& Blythe: Is he happy?
    Wilson: Uh...
    Blythe: It’s okay. He’s always been a complicated child.

& Park: Maybe his girlfriend poisoned him. ....... House usually thinks that’s a good guess. And she’s gotta be pissed off and have low self-esteem.

& Park: He has fake children now, too?

& Wilson: She’s sick, House.
    House: Did she say that?
    Wilson: She was wearing a hospital admission bracelet and carrying around a book on dealing with terminal cancer.

& Park: It’s beautiful!
    Will: People always say diamonds are beautiful. But to me they just feel cold. They have really sharp edges.

& Park: Oh! Sugar free! Ugh. Disgusting.
    Taub: I’ll check the bathroom. You keep checking the snacks.

& Chase: Coincidence. Buying that, House?
    House: Until I hear something that takes my mind off the Jurassic schlong that I was traumatized by this afternoon.

& Park: I know what’s wrong with the patient. Illegal drugs. Some kind of acid. {...}
    Taub: We didn’t find any drugs.
    Park: Then why am I completely tripping balls right now?
    House: Can’t you tell? You pretty much look the same as you always do. Take your glasses off. {...} Hallucinating?
    Park: I think so, because... He’s a rabbit... Oh, I get it! Because she’s his wife. They flirt a lot. I’ve seen things. Mm, Taub... Taub is either... A tooth fairy or... Rainbow Brite. And you... You’re just House! {...} Am I gonna die?
    House: We’ll get back to you on that.

---

& Wilson: Have you seen your mother yet?
    House: She’s not dying. She was having sex with my father. ... Ignore her. She’s on acid.

& Thomas: Good lord, man, that’s no way to treat a bad trip. Put the chair down. You’ll end up hurting the poor wee thing. Hello, darlin’. I’m Thomas, and this beautiful creature here is Blythe. Is there anything we can do to help you?
    Park: That rabbit stole my teeth!
    Thomas: Of course he did, but I’ll tell you what he’s done. He’s put them back again, and they’re twice as nice as they used to be. You can feel them if you like... See?

& Chase: I’ll leave you in Dr. Adams’ capable hands...
    Will: You think I’m an ass, don’t you? I can tell by your breathing. Either you’re angry or fat.

& Thomas: He was a marine. It was the ultimate betrayal.
    House: Penultimate*.

& Thomas: You’re right. Much too formal. Come here, lad... We’re practically family now.

& Adams: How are you feeling?
    Park: Embarrassed. I’m still not sure what was real or what I hallucinated. Did you try to kiss me?.. What about you?..

& Taub: She’s young and hot. She’ll bounce back.
    Park: 82 pounds. ... How much weight I put on when my break ended the same way. People were calling me Park-ing-lot.

& House: Mother... Guy sleeping with my mother... this is Dominika, my wife.

& Adams: We see people with disabilities all the time, but... Seeing and understanding aren’t always the same thing.
    Chase: ... Are you talking to me or writing a Facebook post?

& House: I DNA-tested my dad and found that he was not my biological father... you are.
    Thomas: That’s impossible.
    House: People lie. Birthmarks don’t. ......
    Thomas: Oh, my God! You told me he was a premie! This bloody lunatic is my son!

& Thomas: Look at him sitting there... a pill-popping sociopath! If you wanted to screw up his life, you couldn’t have done it better.
    House: He’s got you there, mom.
    Blythe: He’s one of the most well-respected doctors in the world! He’s saved more lives than you can count. Now, you apologize to him, or I swear, you will never see me again, Thomas.
    House: ... So, who’s for dessert?

& Will: Blind and deaf? I’d rather be dead.
    Adams: You will be.
    Will: I can live with that.

& House: I never liked your friend... My father.
    Thomas: Well, he could be a bit intense at times.
    House: But unlike you, I did respect him.

& Thomas: Son, see you at dinner.

& House: How long are you gonna wait until you tell me?
    Wilson: I thought we already had the Santa Claus talk.
    House: You don’t think I saw you steal Thomas’ fork from the restaurant?
    Wilson: Why would I do that?
    House: For his DNA.
    Wilson: That’s... That’s... Very observant of you.

& House: The fact that you haven’t told me can only mean...
    Wilson: He isn’t your father either. I’m sorry.
    House: You know what that means.
    Wilson: Your mom’s a slut.
    House: That... And... she’s not as boring as I thought she was.

--
Penultimate — предпоследний

On the Imdb.

House M.D. 8x13

Man of the House

& Chase: Patient makes a living telling men to behave more like women. I’m surprised you didn’t throw psych symptoms into the differential.

& House: The patient’s philosophy makes perfect sense. Its only flaw is that it’s impossible. Evolution does not work that way. You can’t talk legs onto a fish. We’re gonna go extinct, and we’re gonna do it drinking scotch and driving muscle cars. Am I right?.. Am I... thank you.

& Adams: Who’s that?
    Chase: His wife.

& Dominika: Our green card interview is in four days. They come to the apartment, they ask questions about marriage, vacations, family history, what side of the bed each sleep on.
    House: ... We’ve never taken a vacation, I don’t like your family, and on top.

& House: I hear Kiev is lovely this time of year.

& Dominika: Can it be that genius doctor is afraid to take on a silly government apparatchik?
    House: Well, I would say more not interested than afraid, but why quibble?
    Dominika: Then I go to plan “B.” Make you an offer that cannot be refused.

& House: Need my apartment key back.
    Wilson: If you’re breaking up with me, can we at least talk about it first?
    House: Maybe if you weren’t all nag and no shag.
    Wilson: I don’t sleep with married men.

& Wilson: What’s in this for you?
    House: This is what men do for the women they pretend to love. Also... she’s paying me 30,000 bucks once we pass.

& Patient: Do you know what’s wrong with me?
    House: Nothing that The Golden Girls couldn’t have handled in 23 hilarious minutes.

& Chase: It’s not a plumbing problem. Means it’s probably neurological.
    House: And?..
    Chase: And... name Dominika’s three brothers.
    House: Uh... Volodymyr, Oleksiy, and...
    Adams: Low testosterone is off the table as a symptom. {...}
    House: Fjodor.
    Chase: It’s Fedir.

---

& Chase: Is Fedir the one who married Mykola?
    House: Mykola is Dominika’s uncle.
    Adams: How is it you can retain every detail of our habits and personal lives, and none of this?
    House: ’Cause I find it hard to remember things I don’t give a crap about.

& Park: So nobody cares about the job till I apply, and suddenly it’s the last limited-edition lightsaber at Comic-Con.
    Chase: Just seems like it should go to someone with more... Seniority.
    Adams: Meaning you.
    Chase: I said “more,” not “most.”
    Adams: Meaning you or Taub.

& House: Your grandmother’s kind of sexy.
    Dominika: That is Taras Shevchenko, the greatest Ukrainian poet.
    House: Is he the guy behind “There once was a man from Kremenchuk”?

& Dominika: Help me move coffee table.
    House: Well, then where will we have coffee? And by “coffee” I mean scotch.
    Dominika: Coffee and booze are artificial high for me. High is in exercise.

& Park: Amy Grant?!
    House: I know. But there’s a hot girl jumping up and down in my living room, so...

& Park: Welcome to my wheelhouse.
    House: You brought a protractor?
    Park: You never know when you might need to make a pie chart. {...} We’ll be using a basic alphabet technique with a mnemonic multiplier. In high school, they called me “The Bookie Monster.”

& Adams: You really think this guy’s gonna hulk out once the hormones kick in?
    Taub: Some male lizards do push-ups to attract mates. When scientists gave them extra testosterone, they did push-ups until they died. Same drive you took advantage of to get Chase to carry a box of files down to your car yesterday.

& Taub: What happened to not letting House get to you? You’re like lemmings, marching off the cliff of competitive humiliation.

& Park: Does Dominika still communicate with her high school friends?
    House: Uh, Vasyl, yes. Oksana, no. Not since she kissed Pavlo. ’Cause that bitch knew that Dominika liked him.
    Wilson: Wrong.
    Dominika: Oh, Oksana is a slut. Dead to me.
    Wilson: The right answer is the wrong answer. No husband would pay that much attention to his wife’s friend dramas.
    Park: Haven’t you been divorced three times?
    Wilson: In-between those divorces, I was married, non-fraudulently, for 12 years total, which is 12 years longer than anyone in this room.

& House: Can we hurry this up? I have a government to defraud at noon.

& House: I have to get home before my fake wife gets real annoyed.

& House: There’s a simple explanation.

& House: I know, it sounds like a phone, but it’s a timer to remind me to pee before our meeting.

& Dominika: Please, I am begging, do not send him back to jail.

& Dominika: It was fake, but... It felt real. This man... My husband. I want to stay with him, but if I cannot, please send me away, and let him be free. I love him.

& House: What you just said in there...
    Dominika: Don’t worry. I’m much too smart to be falling in love with you. I will be needing extra shelf in bathroom.

& House: Even your attempt to get your balls back lacks balls.

& House: You were smart not to enter. Never in, never lose. And since you no longer have stones...
    Taub: I’ll split the 50 a week with you.
    House: Deal.

Amy Grant   Every Heartbeat

♪ I’m simple, but I’m no fool ♪
♪ I’ve got a witness happy to say ♪
♪ every hour, every day ♪
♪ every heartbeat bears your name ♪
♪ loud and clear, they stake my claim ♪
♪ my red blood runs true blue ♪
♪ and every heartbeat belongs to you ♪

& House: Honey, I’m home!

--
On the Imdb.

House M.D. 8x12

Chase

& House: If she likes crippled guys, I’m free for the next six minutes.

& House: I’d apologize again, but I’m still waiting for you to accept the first one.

& Chase: I don’t know when I’m coming back. I don’t know if I’m coming back. Got a problem with that, fire me.

& Chase: I was a seminarian.
    Moira: Who obviously didn’t take his vows.
    Chase: Cassock* made my ass look fat.

& Wilson: I didn’t tell him!
    House: You were cagey about where you were going. And Chase being cagey in general. Good chance I’d find the two of you in the same cage. So I had Park follow you.

& Chase: I don’t want your help.
    House: You got stabbed. You blame me. But what did you learn about me that you hadn’t known for years?
    Chase: Maybe I was an idiot before and I’m not one now.
House: Or maybe the reverse is true.

& Park: I’m... I’m sorry I led House to you.
    Chase: It’s part of the job.

& Chase: Can we get to my patient sometime soon?
    House: As soon as you admit that you’re a confused mess, sure.
    Chase: You’ll help me. ’Cause even though you don’t find my case interesting, you find my interest in it interesting.
    House: Well, when you put it that way...

---

& House: He tried to tongue-kiss Park when you were closer. You think his sexuality is normal?

& House: Your overreaction to your stabbing is to blame me even as you are drawn to me. Taub’s is to take moronic self-defense classes that won’t defend him against anything!
    Taub: Krav maga. Which helped me block your shot and will continue to help me defend myself in a building full of drugged-up strangers.

& House: Taub has to accept that by instinct and genetics he is a coward, who’s better off running and hiding at the first sign of danger.
    Taub: I’ve already fended off six of your blitzkriegs in a row.
    House: And the seventh? And the eighth? And the nth?..
    Chase: If you get him, what’s that gonna prove?
    House: That unexpected things happen. By definition, no class can teach you to expect them. Which is why Taub is idiotic to study them, and you’re idiotic to attach any significance to them.

& Chase: Is that why you wanna be a nun? Someone broke your heart.
    Moira: No. I’m just looking for something more.
    Chase: ... So am I.

& Chase: Really? George Washingbaum?
    Taub: He was a character in the Flintsteins.

& Taub: He’s annoying, he’s maddening. But he makes us all better.
    Chase: Note to self.

& Chase: So are we gonna spend the rest of eternity in a lake of fire while pointy-tailed demons poke at us with sticks?

& Taub: You slept with a nun?!
    Adams: Forget nun, you slept with a patient?
    Chase: Former, to both.
    House: Internal neck trauma... that’s impressive. It’s happened to me a few times. Up high.

& House: Great thing about assigning Taub fraudulent lab work is you know exactly where he’s gonna end up. Great thing about assigning Taub obviously fraudulent lab work is you get to watch his inner paranoiac at work. And then... Two to the head.

& House: Oh, my God. Taub is interrogating the janitor. He must think that I hired him to attack... actually, why didn’t I do that?

& House: Lock and load. Boo-yah! Pfft!
    Taub: Boo-yah to you too.

& Adams: You’re gonna get away from him by turning into him?

& Chase: I always wanted to believe. Would have made my life a lot easier. It never took.

& House: “Noradrenaline and near-death experiences...” Oh, dear. You saw God?
    Chase: She did. She wants to go back to the monastery.
    House: So now you’re preparing a Powerpoint presentation to keep her in your garden of earthly delights. You’re an idiot.
    Chase: Because I found someone I love?
    House: Because you’re an idiot.

& Chase: Her feelings are based on a chemical process. They’re gonna wear off.
    House: You just slept with her. Your brain is exploding with oxytocin. You think that’s gonna last through the ages?

& Chase: You’re incapable of human connection, so you want everyone to be like you!
    House: If I wanted you to be like me... I would be urging you to make a stupid, stubborn decision that blows up your life and leaves you lonely and miserable. You reassess your life when you’ve made mistakes. You didn’t. You just got stabbed.

--
Cassock — Ряса

On the Imdb.

House M.D. 8x11

Nobody's Fault

& Cofield: Dr. House, this recording will be transcribed and published along with all supporting documentation and rulings. Do you have any questions before we get started?
    House: Yeah... Who the hell are you?
    Cofield: I’m Walter Cofield, Chief of Neurology, Mercy Hospital. I’ll be deciding your fate today.

& Cofield: What are you doing?
    House: Taking my vic-amins.

& Cofield: Were you taking Vicodin during this case?
    House: Uhh... Yes. And during about nine years of previous cases. My process is proven. Good things usually happen. Bad things sometimes happen.

& Cofield: And when bad things happen, we should figure out what went wrong, so we can learn from it and correct it.
    House: So that we can assign blame instead of recognizing that bad things sometimes happen. It was nobody’s fault.

& House: Those who can, do. Those who can’t, teach. Those who can’t teach, teach gym. Those who can’t move their arms or legs teach us to laugh at others.

& Park: He thought Taub’s idea was stupid.
    Cofield: And what about your idea?
    Park: He thought that was stupid too.

& Cofield: Does Dr. House not attach importance to patient histories?
    Taub: No, he thinks they’re crucial. He just doesn’t think being in the same room as the patient is crucial. House thinks avoiding patients allows him to stay as objective as possible... He’s not wrong.
    Cofield: Sounds like a very diplomatic way of saying he’s lazy.
    House: ... That’s also true. Either way, I’m covered. If you want an accurate patient history, don’t ever talk to the patient. Everybody lies... Except me... To you. Would never do that.

& Cofield: Your patient was doubled over in pain and coughing up blood, and you found that interesting?
    House: Why, is that bad?
    Cofield: ... It’s interesting.

---

& Park: But that’s only experimental!
    Cofield: It’s never actually been used before.
    House: Not true. Been used in sheep.
    Cofield: Uh-huh.

& Cofield: So you busted out the sulfur dioxide stink bomb?
    House: It was a team-building exercise.
    Cofield: No. It was manipulation. You were pressuring your team into coming up with unsafe medical ideas just to get out of that room.
    House: You say pressure, I say inspire. The usual safe ideas were not gonna work.

& Cofield: In light of what happened, you still think it was the perfect diagnostic moment?
    House: ... Yes. My theory accounted for all the medical outcomes... It did not account for the disobedience of my own team.

& Taub: Which artery?
    Adams: It’s his heart.

& Cofield: So he just walked out?
    Taub: There really was nothing for him to do.
    Cofield: Speaks to a certain callousness* on Dr. House’s part, don’t you think?
    Taub: Who cares if House was callous? Are you gonna punish callousness?

& Cofield: ... How do you work with a guy like that?
    Chase: {...} He wanted to check on me. But he needed an excuse. Otherwise, he could be accused of caring.
    Cofield: So your testimony is that Dr. House’s complete lack of concern is evidence of his deep concern?

& House: We’re going off the record because this is irrelevant, or are you gonna hit me?

& Cofield: Dr. House is obviously brilliant...
    House: Well, I think we’ve heard enough.
    Cofield: ...but Dr. House is also a fiasco.

& Patient’s wife: I came to speak with Dr. House. {...} I thought I should say something. I mean... He wasn’t the nicest doctor I’ve ever met...
    House: Well, I think we’ve heard enough.
    Patient’s wife: ...but he was right.

& Cofield: Congratulations, Dr. House. This unfortunate [cencored] incident is officially nobody’s fault.

& House: How’d you get the firing wire into the Vicodin bottle without me noticing?
    Chase: Why’d I even have to? What was the point of the orange hair?

& House: I found a way to let you know to not be late.
    Chase: You couldn’t just ask me to stop being late?
    House: What fun would that be?

& House: They’re wrong... I’m sorry.

--
callousness — бессердечность; грубость; бесчувственность

On the Imdb.

House M.D. 8x10

Runaways

& House: How long has your daughter had trouble breathing?
    HOBO: About a week now.
    House: The best dads wait two or more.

& Callie: It’s not like it’s serious. I-I checked online, and it’s... Asthma or something.
    House: “Or something” is the number one killer of teens with no medical degree.

& Callie: So about the inhaler for my asthma...
    House: Sorry! Hospital policy specifically prohibits me from giving meds to unrelated homeless people pretending to be father and daughter. Your pants are a size too short, so either you grew a couple of inches or you grabbed the closest size in a thrift store. And only you have dimples*, which are adorable, but they’re also an X-linked dominant genetic trait.

& House: Someone been using your head as a soccer ball?
    Callie: No.
    House: Much as I’d like to take your word for it, I have no interest in taking your word for it.

& House: Pay the man. He’s late for a trashcan fire.

& Callie: Would you tell me what’s going on? What’s wrong with me?
    House: I have no idea.

---

& Taub: Why’d you ask to meet us 30 miles away from the hospital?
    House: Because I can. Also, Chris Christie’s blog says the pancakes here are the best.

& ’Confederacy Private’: Hello, good sir. My brother, the General here, gots the green-apple quickstep.
    House: ..... One of us is in the wrong time zone. And if it’s me, I need to talk to a stockbroker and anyone from the Kennedy family, in that order.

& ’General’: Sir, are you questioning my resolve?
    House: Yes, and your sanity. I’m multitasking.

& House: I could add some Mercury, if you want to make it more authentic.
    ’General’: The Confederacy thanks you, Doc.

& Chase: You could probably just hide the porn in your underwear drawer...
    Taub: Magazines go away so I won’t ignore my children. I know I have to pay attention to them. I want to pay attention to them, but they’re just so... Boring.

& Adams: What happened to the social worker I called?
    Foreman: Apparently, someone identifying themselves as Dr. Pujols called and said the patient ran off.
    House: Come on. “Poo holes.”

& Foreman: I’m not gonna let you blackmail me, House.
    House: Oh, of course not. There’s no way someone of your integrity would let me compromise your job in any major way over some tawdry* bit of gossip. But what about compromising it in a minor way?.. Reduced clinic hours... Unlimited Internet porn budget... That makes much more sense than the nuclear option of ruining both our lives. You can keep these. I got copies.

& Taub: The sound I make is, moooo! The sound I make is, quack quack quack quack quack.
    Sophie & Sophia: ...............

& Taub: I’m an ass. On the plus side, I can now program my DVR from my phone.

& House: Go!
    Park: You bet 100 bucks on a turtle race?!
    House: I paid Mr. Chips 5 bucks to take a dive.

& Chase: People never lie about people they hate.

& Adams: Do you think people can change?
    Chase: No. But I don’t think that’s gonna change your opinion, because... people don’t change.

& Ellen Rogers, Callie’s mother: You must be Dr. House..?
    House: I save my appearances for when parents are on the brink of doing something incredibly stupid.

& Chase: Peek-a-boo! Peek-a-boo!
    Taub: How do you keep doing the same thing over and over with the same level of enthusiasm?
    Chase: First off, be a decent, empathetic person.

& Taub: Your patients love you because you’re empathetic!
    Wilson: .... I also have kind eyes. Why are you here?

& Wilson: It’s all about common ground. You found one thing you both like or hate. John Woo movies, romance novels, kale*... Sometimes, the best way to connect with someone is stop thinking about them and focus on yourself.
    Taub: Wh—uhh.
    Wilson: What is this about?
    Taub: Not everything has an agenda. See ya.

& Ellen: Do you know what’s wrong with her?
    House: Family vacations kill.

& Foreman: I’m not like you, House.
    House: True... No limp.

Foy Vance - Be The Song

--
dimple — ямочка
tawdry — мишурный; кричаще безвкусный
kale — овощной суп; суп из капусты

On the Imdb.

C also Tumbler Moments @ housedailydose.

House M.D. 8x9

Better Half

& House: Dr. Adams... Taped under your chair is an index card. Would you read it, please?
    Adams: ... “Wednesday, 2:43 p.m., a black Pawn will believe he’s the black King and attempt to capture the... white head of diagnostics.”
    Park: It’s 10:15 on Friday.

& House: With great power comes great micromanaging... And great vests.

& Kayla: We’ve never had sex. Oh, we kiss and cuddle, but neither one of us is interested in sex.
    Wilson: You’re... both celibate.
    Kayla: No, neither of us. ... Celibacy is a choice. This is our orientation. We’re asexual.
    Wilson: Not quite sure... what box to check here.

& Foreman: I’m just saying what he’s doing doesn’t seem rational, which makes me think it’s rational in a way I’m not privy* to. He always has a plan.
    Chase: And he’s always self-destructive. He may just be shooting himself in the ankle.

& Chase: Surprised you didn’t go into the diplomatic corps.
    Park: Oh, you think they’re...
    Chase: No, if they’re having sex, it’s probably with their genitals.

& Wilson: You know that close to 1% of the population identifies as asexual?
    House: We really gotta get you laid. {...}

& Wilson: It’s a valid sexual orientation. According to this article, at least.
    House: Yeah, I think I read that too. Is that fugliness* weekly? (psychologies)

& Wilson: She’s perfectly fine-looking. Happily married for ten years...
    House: To a guy who loves penis enough for the both of them.
    Wilson: He’s asexual too. {...}
    House: 100 bucks says I can find a medical reason why she doesn’t want to have sex.

& Foreman: “Cuddy dark will waste his afternoon chasing conspiracy theories.”
    Chase: You’re letting him get inside your head. He could do a lot of damage in there.

& House: If you’re speaking as a team member, then I’d say you’re a moron. Because taking him off the antiemetics gave us crucial diagnostic information. If you’re speaking as Dean of Medicine... then I’d say you’re a moron. ’Cause your micromanaging kept us from doing a biopsy.

& Foreman: Unless one of your index cards actually predicted the guy was gonna punch his wife, everything you’re saying is post hoc rationalization.
    House: Dr. Park, would you please reach under that chair?
    Park: “The patient will punch his wife.”
    Foreman: You clearly wrote that after the fact.
    House: Dr. Adams, would you please reach into my pants? ... “Dr. Blackenshmurtz will accuse me of writing about the punch after the fact.” Now, look. Here’s a photograph of me holding a newspaper. Dated last Tuesday.

& House: Start him on plasmapheresis. Unless... “mother, may I?” And ’mother’ is an abbreviation.

& Chase: People who are sick are not the only ones who need to be taken care of.

& Park: Why doesn’t Chase have to be here?
    House: You think he knows anything about women who don’t want to have sex?

& House: It’s the fundamental drive of our species. Sex is healthy. Orgasms oxygenate the brain, lighting up over 30 different areas and making us forget how boring Susie Cooper is... That last one may not be universal.

& Adams: Sex releases oxytocin. It’s the neurochemical basis for bonding.
    House: And that’s why men always marry their right hands.
    Adams: It’s different for girls.
    Park: No it’s not. I’ve tapped over 30 guys and never wanted to see most of them again. ..... I live next to a Jewish frat.
    House: We are veering* wildly off track. Please continue.

---

& Adams: This woman’s life is probably better off without sex. Eliminates most of her insecurity, she’s immune to most advertising and can have honest relationships with men.

& House: Lots of people don’t have sex. The only people who don’t want it are either sick, dead, or lying.

& Adams: 30?!
    Park: Everybody lies.
    Adams: ... Higher or lower?

& Chase: On three. One, two, three.
    Adams: Nothing.
    Chase: Not dead until he’s warm and dead.

& Natalie Tavares (by Melanie Lynskey aka Rose): He has no heartbeat, and he’s not breathing. How can he not be dead?

& Adams: You think you should kill yourself if you become a burden to the people who love you?
    Chase: If you really love them back, then... Yes.
    Adams: That’s really dark.
    Chase: It’s not naive.

& House: I’d prefer to be paid in a single $100 bill. Always wanted to use one to light a cigar.

& Wilson: You always do this! You... you meddle and force me into impossible situations.
    House: You knew the second you told me about this case that I’d get involved. You wanted me to meddle.

& Foreman: You played me. This whole thing was about your ankle monitor. You weren’t trying to undermine my confidence, you were trying to inflate it. You manufactured conflict with me so eventually you could let me win. You knew it was encephalitis, but you waited for me to say it because then with my ego boosted, you thought I’d be in the mood to take off your monitor because I’d think I could control you.
    House: You’re right. Take off my monitor. See, the beauty of the plan is that if it works, you think you can control me. If it fails, then you will actually have proven that you can control me. It’s pretty genius. These are your training wheels. If you think you’re up to this job, it’s time to lose them.
    Foreman: ........
    House: Second half of my plan might need work.

& Natalie: He’s still in there. ... What did he say?
    House: He asked who you were.

& Wilson: I think they were happy. Even if it was based on lies.
    House: Most happiness is. Better to have schtupped and lost then never to have schtupped at all.

& Wilson: We can’t smoke in here.
    House: We also can’t summon people into the clinic based on a lie motivated by a petty bet. And yet it happens. It’s an imperfect world.

& House: Well?
    Wilson: Disgustingly satisfying.

& Foreman: Bikes go faster without training wheels. Now get out. I have work to do.

--
privy — посвященный
veer — менять курс; направление
meddle — вмешиваться; соваться не в свое дело

On the Imdb.

__ And here, they're back. It was so long.