House M.D. 8x13

Man of the House

& Chase: Patient makes a living telling men to behave more like women. I’m surprised you didn’t throw psych symptoms into the differential.

& House: The patient’s philosophy makes perfect sense. Its only flaw is that it’s impossible. Evolution does not work that way. You can’t talk legs onto a fish. We’re gonna go extinct, and we’re gonna do it drinking scotch and driving muscle cars. Am I right?.. Am I... thank you.

& Adams: Who’s that?
    Chase: His wife.

& Dominika: Our green card interview is in four days. They come to the apartment, they ask questions about marriage, vacations, family history, what side of the bed each sleep on.
    House: ... We’ve never taken a vacation, I don’t like your family, and on top.

& House: I hear Kiev is lovely this time of year.

& Dominika: Can it be that genius doctor is afraid to take on a silly government apparatchik?
    House: Well, I would say more not interested than afraid, but why quibble?
    Dominika: Then I go to plan “B.” Make you an offer that cannot be refused.

& House: Need my apartment key back.
    Wilson: If you’re breaking up with me, can we at least talk about it first?
    House: Maybe if you weren’t all nag and no shag.
    Wilson: I don’t sleep with married men.

& Wilson: What’s in this for you?
    House: This is what men do for the women they pretend to love. Also... she’s paying me 30,000 bucks once we pass.

& Patient: Do you know what’s wrong with me?
    House: Nothing that The Golden Girls couldn’t have handled in 23 hilarious minutes.

& Chase: It’s not a plumbing problem. Means it’s probably neurological.
    House: And?..
    Chase: And... name Dominika’s three brothers.
    House: Uh... Volodymyr, Oleksiy, and...
    Adams: Low testosterone is off the table as a symptom. {...}
    House: Fjodor.
    Chase: It’s Fedir.

---

& Chase: Is Fedir the one who married Mykola?
    House: Mykola is Dominika’s uncle.
    Adams: How is it you can retain every detail of our habits and personal lives, and none of this?
    House: ’Cause I find it hard to remember things I don’t give a crap about.

& Park: So nobody cares about the job till I apply, and suddenly it’s the last limited-edition lightsaber at Comic-Con.
    Chase: Just seems like it should go to someone with more... Seniority.
    Adams: Meaning you.
    Chase: I said “more,” not “most.”
    Adams: Meaning you or Taub.

& House: Your grandmother’s kind of sexy.
    Dominika: That is Taras Shevchenko, the greatest Ukrainian poet.
    House: Is he the guy behind “There once was a man from Kremenchuk”?

& Dominika: Help me move coffee table.
    House: Well, then where will we have coffee? And by “coffee” I mean scotch.
    Dominika: Coffee and booze are artificial high for me. High is in exercise.

& Park: Amy Grant?!
    House: I know. But there’s a hot girl jumping up and down in my living room, so...

& Park: Welcome to my wheelhouse.
    House: You brought a protractor?
    Park: You never know when you might need to make a pie chart. {...} We’ll be using a basic alphabet technique with a mnemonic multiplier. In high school, they called me “The Bookie Monster.”

& Adams: You really think this guy’s gonna hulk out once the hormones kick in?
    Taub: Some male lizards do push-ups to attract mates. When scientists gave them extra testosterone, they did push-ups until they died. Same drive you took advantage of to get Chase to carry a box of files down to your car yesterday.

& Taub: What happened to not letting House get to you? You’re like lemmings, marching off the cliff of competitive humiliation.

& Park: Does Dominika still communicate with her high school friends?
    House: Uh, Vasyl, yes. Oksana, no. Not since she kissed Pavlo. ’Cause that bitch knew that Dominika liked him.
    Wilson: Wrong.
    Dominika: Oh, Oksana is a slut. Dead to me.
    Wilson: The right answer is the wrong answer. No husband would pay that much attention to his wife’s friend dramas.
    Park: Haven’t you been divorced three times?
    Wilson: In-between those divorces, I was married, non-fraudulently, for 12 years total, which is 12 years longer than anyone in this room.

& House: Can we hurry this up? I have a government to defraud at noon.

& House: I have to get home before my fake wife gets real annoyed.

& House: There’s a simple explanation.

& House: I know, it sounds like a phone, but it’s a timer to remind me to pee before our meeting.

& Dominika: Please, I am begging, do not send him back to jail.

& Dominika: It was fake, but... It felt real. This man... My husband. I want to stay with him, but if I cannot, please send me away, and let him be free. I love him.

& House: What you just said in there...
    Dominika: Don’t worry. I’m much too smart to be falling in love with you. I will be needing extra shelf in bathroom.

& House: Even your attempt to get your balls back lacks balls.

& House: You were smart not to enter. Never in, never lose. And since you no longer have stones...
    Taub: I’ll split the 50 a week with you.
    House: Deal.

Amy Grant   Every Heartbeat

♪ I’m simple, but I’m no fool ♪
♪ I’ve got a witness happy to say ♪
♪ every hour, every day ♪
♪ every heartbeat bears your name ♪
♪ loud and clear, they stake my claim ♪
♪ my red blood runs true blue ♪
♪ and every heartbeat belongs to you ♪

& House: Honey, I’m home!

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On the Imdb.