Two and a Half Men 3x3

Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark

& Alan: What are you doing up so late? Charlie, what is he doing up?
    Jake: Shh, he’s asleep.
    Alan: Oh, oh, I’m sorry. Charlie!
    Charlie: What?! Oh, hey, Alan.
    Alan: What is he doing up so late?
    Charlie: I told him to go to bed. How many times did I tell you to go to bed?
    Jake: Boy, I lost count.
    Charlie: See?

& Alan: It was a nice evening. We had a lovely dinner.
    Charlie: You know, for the record, “a lovely dinner” doesn’t necessarily preclude carpet burns and a bite mark on your ass.
    Alan: In this case, it was just dinner and pleasant conversation.
    Charlie: Well, that’s why God gave us Cinemax and an opposable thumb.

& Charlie: Well, I can see the humor in trying to get the little bonehead* into a good school. But that doesn’t mean you start dating your ex-wife.
    Alan: I-I know what you’re thinking. I’m being naive, and romantic...
    Charlie: Not even close!

& Alan: Charlie, you can’t overlook the fact that we still have a lot in common.
    Charlie: Yeah, neither of you have any respect for you.

& Evelyn: Alan, we’re all here because we love you.
    Rose: And we don’t want to see you make a terrible mistake.
    Berta: I’m just waiting for my toaster strudel to pop. ... There we go.

---

& Evelyn: I burned that bridge. I said horrible things to her that I can never take back. And, keep in mind, this is a woman who worked the phrase “mousy bitch” into her wedding toast. So, if you two reconcile, I’ll have to apologize to her.
    Alan: So?
    Evelyn: I’d rather kill us all.

& Charlie: Moving on. Rose, do you have something you’d like to say to Alan?
    Rose: Yes, thank you. Alan, when I first met you, I didn’t care for you at all. You were a fussy, whiny control freak.
    Alan: ......... Yes, and-and now?
    Rose: Now it doesn’t bother me so much.

& Charlie: I think what Rose means is that, since the divorce, you’ve grown, you’ve been reborn.
    Rose: That’s not what I meant. If that was what I meant, that’s what I would’ve said.

& Alan: What is that, uh, uh, redwood?
    Judith: Teak.
    Alan: Whoa, teak. That must have set me back a few bucks.
    Judith: The salesman said it would pay for itself in five years.
    Alan: Oh, really? Really?! How-how’s it going to do that? Is it going to get a paper route?
    Judith: ......
    Alan: It’s very nice.
    Judith: Thank you.

& Jake: Mom? How about a cookie?
    Judith: You already brushed your teeth.
    Jake: No, I didn’t.
    Judith: You said you did!
    Jake: I always say that.

& Judith: Just go home, Alan.
    Alan: Hey, we’re not married anymore! You can’t tell me what to do.

--
bonehead — тупица; балбес

+ quotes on the Imdb.