30 Minutes or Less

& Chet: You’ve been watching the whole time?
    Nick: Yeah, the whole show. Really classy move there at the end. The kiss.
    Chet: If a woman is kind to provide me with fellatio services... I’m not gonna dart out of there like she’s an untouchable.
    Nick: And they say chivalry is dead. Have a beer. The alcohol should help wash the taste of yourself out of your mouth.

& Dwayne: If you weren’t a skinny bitch, you could be in the military.
    Travis: I don’t need to be. I taught myself how to do this. I went online and looked all this up.
    Dwayne: I hear you. I taught myself how to eat pussy and cut my own hair.
    Travis: I taught myself how to eat pussy hair.

& Nick: Tom Small is gay?! That kid used to beat me and Chet in grammar school.
    Kate: Tell me about it. He OTPF’d me at Junior High Formal.
    Nick: What the hell is that?
    Kate: “Over the pants fingered.”

& Kate: I’m moving to Atlanta. I’m gonna be working in their Special Events Department.
    Nick: In Hotlanta? I know a little about it from rap music... and it sounds like a fucked-up place.

& Travis: Where do all these leaves come from?
    Dwayne: Where the hell do you think, dude? From fucking trees.
    Travis: That’s what she said.
    Dwayne: No, “that’s what she said” jokes don’t work with that. It has to be in a sexual reference. Like, you know, “These leaves are hard.” — “That’s what she said.”

& Dwayne: You know why I sleep late, Travis? It’s not because I’m lazy. It’s on account of me having so many goddamn dreams. Big ones.

& Dwayne: Sometimes fate pulls out its big old cock... and slaps you right in the face.

& Nick: I’m off in 10 minutes. Where the hell is this?
    Chris: Here, let me check my fuck-you map... Yeah, it’s in... Thirty Minutes or Less Land or else the pizza comes out of your paycheck. Ticktock!

& Dwayne: Don’t do anything stupid like trip over your shoelaces*. That vest is packed with C-4. The C is for “chaos.”
    Travis: It’s actually for “composite,” but yeah, don’t bump into shit: Bufff!

& Chet: Damn it. I want to tell you to get fucked.
    Nick: I know.
    Chet: But I can’t. Because I’m a better man than you. And if I let you go and you explode... that shit will come back and eat at my conscience. And affect my relationships with other people. Like my future wife and kids, and shit. We’d be having a picnic or something one day and I would just be like: “Oh, damn it, I shouldn’t have let Nick explode that time.”
    Nick: That’s a very rational way to look at the situation.

---

& Chet: What if we saw off your arms... slip the vest over your head, then go to the hospital? They’ll reattach your arms... We’ll keep your arms on ice.
    Nick: Fuck that.
    Chet: I don’t know, man. These sites say different shit. Not a lot of consensus in the bomb-disarming community.

& Nick: It’s a local bank. It’s the Donner-Wells.
    Chet: The one by the Olive Garden? That’s my bank. Small, standard security. Totally manageable for one dude.
    Nick: One dude? You mean, you’re not gonna do it with me?
    Chet: No, but I’m happy to give tips, advice, motivational speeches.

& Nick: Okay. Guns... Masks...
    Cashier: You sure y’all don’t wanna grab some condoms?
    Nick: No. Why?
    Cashier: Because this is usually what men buy before they rape someone.

& Dwayne: Hell, you gay for this guy or something?
    Travis: What? Yeah. If wanting a lot of money is gay, yeah, I’m Elton John.

& Nick: I just want you to know that if today was the final day... of my brief and shitty existence... and I could only see one more person... it would be you.

& Dwayne: Yo, Juicy, what’s happening? This is King Dwayne. I have been thinking about you a lot. And I don’t know, I just feel cool inside. I’m excited to get this money and me and you to kind of start our thing. I’ve been thinking a lot about the polishing-the-scepter deal. I know that’s not really polishing. You’re talking about sucking my dick. But I just want you to know that it’s gonna be mutual. You won’t just have to polish my scepter, I will also lick your crown... which is a euphemism for, you know, eating your pussy. Give me a call when you get a chance.

& Chet: Which one of you assholes tripped the alarm?! Sandra, don’t tell me you did that too.
    Sandra: No, it was Mark. He pushed the button when you came in.
    Mark: Sandra, you bitch. They’re gonna kill both of us.
    Sandra: Fuck you, you’re the manager!

& Chet: Can’t outrun these guys in a Datsun.
    Nick: I can, I do this for a living.
    Chet: No, you don’t. You deliver pizzas. That’s nothing like this.
    Nick: Hang on.

& Travis: We’re gonna get the money like we planned. We just have to get the leverage back.
    Dwayne: How do we do that?
    Travis: We hit that pizza fuck where it hurts.
    Dwayne: What, in his dick?
    Travis: No, in his pussy.

& Chet: I should just become a bank robber. I was pretty good at it. Teachers don’t make shit. Bank robbers make bank.

& Nick: I got the cash, so give me the code and Kate.
    Dwayne: Or maybe we can chill out, wait for the money shot.
    Nick: That’s very funny. Now give me the fucking code.
    Dwayne: Fine, 69, 69, 69.
    Nick: You gotta be fucking kidding me.
    Dwayne: Man, don’t judge me. It’s my favorite sexual position.

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shoelaces — шнурки

+ quotes on the Imdb.

__ Pretty funny. Good team: Jesse Eisenberg, Danny McBride & also Aziz Ansari as Chet.