& Mitch (by Ryan Reynolds): Penis, shit, vagina, cock, wolf pussies.
Dave Lockwood (by Jason Bateman): Mitch. I’m at work.
Mitch: Did I get you?
Dave: Yeah. You sure did.
Mitch: You got me on speakerphone?
Dave: Yep.
Mitch: Did the secretary hear?
Dave: Yes, the secretary heard. She heard it all.
Mitch: That’s awesome.
Dave: Not really. How stoned are you right now?
& Jamie Lockwood (by Leslie Mann): He’s early.
Dave: Yeah, you’d be early, too, if all you did all day was eat hummus and masturbate.
Cara Lockwood: What’s hummus?
Dave: That is a Mediterranean spread, honey.
Cara: What’s master-ate?
Jamie: It’s a cracker!
& Cara: Do you want to come to my dance recital?
Mitch: Oh! No, honey. The only style of dancing that Uncle Mitch likes involves a big, shiny pole, and a broken woman with daddy issues.
& Dave: She’s so hot. Oh, Mitch, is she hot. Uh-oh. She’s like fall-out-of-a-magazine hot, you know?
Mitch: I bet she’s number one on your cancer list, right?
Dave: What is that?
Mitch: Come on, you know what that is.
Dave: What is that?
Mitch: Every married guy has a cancer list. It’s the first three women you’d have sex with if your wife suddenly died of cancer.
& Mitch & Dave: I wish I had your life.
& Dave as Mitch: Who is Victor?
District Manager Carla Nelson: The guy that knows how to find shit in the computer.
& Mitch as Dave: Oh, you must be Sabrina, huh?
Sabrina (by Olivia Wilde): You must be Dave. Are we role-playing or something? Because we’re late.
Mitch as Dave: He didn’t tell me you were a big, fat, fucking boner. Sorry. That was unprofessional. Wasn’t it?
Sabrina: Dave have a mimosa for breakfast? A little nervous?
& — From here on out, you are on an extremely short leash! Understand? Now, go. Put on some proper clothes. You look like a Jew.
& — Anything I can get you? Vitamin water or Pellegrino?
Dave as Mitch: No, thank you. I just have a quick question. What does that mean, there, “TS?”
— Titty shot.
Dave as Mitch: And, “BTS,” right there?
— Bouncing titty shot. Bouncing titty shot.
& Dave as Mitch: I’m just curious, what kind of movie is this?
— It’s a lorno.
Dave as Mitch: I’m not familiar with that genre... Is that European?
— Lorno, “Light porno.” Tits and shadows. You ever hear of Skinemax?
& Valtan: Pump that ass, boy. Go, boy! Loosen hips, loosen hips. Go! Deep thrusting! Yeah! Put your thumb up her butt.
Dave as Mitch: What?!
Valtan: Stick your thumb up her butthole. I promise you, it’s nice, clean. You eat cake off lady’s Starfish, okay?
Dave as Mitch: Ahhh... No.
Valtan: ..... I have killed people... Mostly men. I’m not allowed back in Eastern Bloc. Now, you put your thumb up nice lady’s butthole, or else, maybe you have an accident on set. Maybe light fall on your head... maybe you get electrocute... Maybe goat fuck your mouth. I don’t know. Movie set be very dangerous place.
& Mitch as Dave: Hey, tell me about the big girl who knocked you over.
Cara: That’s Nicolette Peters. She does it a lot, actually.
Mitch as Dave: She does it a lot? Why don’t you fight back?
Cara: Uh, because you told me not to.
Mitch as Dave: I what?!
Cara: You said I should strive for verbal resolution.
Mitch as Dave: Uh, you know, Daddy sometimes... How do I... Here’s what you do. What you do is you fuck verbal resolution, okay? You put that whore on her back, and you shank her. You know how to make a shiv?
Cara: What?
Mitch as Dave: Listen to me. If somebody comes at you with a knife, you put her whole family in the morgue. That is jailyard justice. Because if you don’t come back hard on a bitch, you’re going to end up getting sold for a pack of Camel Lights and a Jell-O cup. Do you understand what I’m saying to you? Always solve your problems with violence.
Cara: Okay, Daddy.
& Dave as Mitch: It feels kind of like I’m cheating on Jamie.
Mitch as Dave: Are you fucking shitting me? In what world is this cheating? Cheating is when any part of your dick gets up inside some woman that’s not your wife, okay? And your dick is firmly planted inside these fucking lame, triple-pleated sports slacks.
Dave as Mitch: But my mind is over here. That should count for something, right?
Mitch as Dave: God, you big bitch. How many women have you fucked in your mind, huh? Thousands?
Dave as Mitch: Millions, Mitch.
Mitch as Dave: Was that cheating?
Dave as Mitch: No. It was not fucking cheating.
Mitch as Dave: I think you’re on very firm legal ground here, counselor.
& Dave as Mitch: When are you due?
Tatiana: Any minute now, so let’s get our fuck on before this becomes a threesome.
& Mitch as Dave: Hold on. What’s with all the heavy breathing? Are you jerking off?
Dave as Mitch: No, I’m not. ... Yes, yes, yes, I am! Look, I never get this kind of privacy any more.
Mitch as Dave: Isn’t that kind of my dick, though?
Dave as Mitch: Is that weird?
Mitch as Dave: You ask yourself that.
Dave as Mitch: It sort of hooks to the side a bit.
Mitch as Dave: Use your left hand, you get a little bit more torque.
Dave as Mitch: That’s cool. Thank you, I think.
& Dave as Mitch: You are a quitter. But quitting is not an option on this one, okay? You focus, you find it. I don’t care where, but you find it inside of yourself, okay? I know it’s there.
Mitch as Dave: It’s not like I’m not trying. I just don’t know how to do all your grown-up crap.
Dave as Mitch: You’re going to learn...
& Dave as Mitch: This is called a suit. You wear one every day. Along with a necktie. Black, not white, socks. Dress shoes, not shower sandals.
Mitch as Dave: Please. These are awful.
Dave as Mitch: And, of course... underwear.
Mitch as Dave: Oh, come on!
Dave as Mitch: No more commando, Mitch, you’re a grown-ass man. Put them on.
& Dave as Mitch: This is called a schedule. It tells you everything you need to do each day. Pick-ups, drop-offs, activities, play-dates, doctor’s appointments, etc. You’ll notice that there are approximately 50 hours’ worth of obligations on any given day. Make it work.
& Dave as Mitch: This is called a grocery store. People buy food here. It’s part of your responsibilities. Before heading to the market, always call Jamie and ask her if she needs anything first. In fact, before making any decision in your life, no matter how small, call your wife first. Think of yourself as a brain-damaged mule, lost in the desert, helpless, dumb and in constant need of direction. Never take the initiative, never strike out on your own, and never deviate from the plan. Why?.. Because you are a brain-damaged mule and you are lost in the damn desert!
& Dave as Mitch: These are called children, or dependants. Never disparage your own child. Everything they do is a miracle from God. When they’re bad, it’s only because they’re tired or going through a phase. When other kids are bad, it’s because of indulgent parenting or innate defects in the child’s character.
& Dave as Mitch: Be 15 minutes early for everything. It doesn’t matter what it is. A meeting, an event. Less stress for me, less stress for you...
& Dave as Mitch: Hey! You’re married now, jackass. You can’t look at other women. You can’t talk to other women. You can’t even be interesting around other women. Do everything in your power to desexualize yourself. Wear a fanny pack, drive a Prius, attach electronic devices to your belt, whatever it takes. And if you find yourself forced to talk to a woman, quickly find a way to mention the fact that you’re married. It doesn’t even have to make sense. ’Hi, how are you? Nice weather today. He’s totally fucking married.’
& Mitch as Dave: So I can’t sleep with my wife, I can’t sleep with other women? What the hell is that?
Dave as Mitch: Marriage.
& Dave as Mitch: I think that’s everything. You got any more questions?
Mitch as Dave: Do you ever have any free time?
Dave as Mitch: Have you listened to a single word I’ve said? There is no free time. And at the end of the day, do you know what you get?
Mitch as Dave: A fucking gun with a bullet to blow my head off with?
Dave as Mitch: Sometimes you wish.
& Sabrina: So, I’ll have my briefs on your desk by lunch.
Mitch as Dave: That puts my balls on your chin by dinner.
Dave as Mitch: That, right there, is Schedule IV sexual harassment. Awesome!
& Mitch as Dave: Fucking nice, Cara! Sweet! That bitch bounced. Beautiful! Man alive! That’s my daughter, bitches! Dad’s very proud. Keep going.
& Mitch as Dave: These are called jeans. They’ve been popular with America’s youth for over 60 years.
Dave as Mitch: Jeans to a restaurant?!
Mitch as Dave: Yeah, jeans to a restaurant... In order to feel confident, you got to look good, okay? This is a vest, put that on. Okay, this is called gel or product. Too little, you look like a pedophile, too much and you look Persian.
& Dave as Mitch: Mitch, I have done everything that you have asked of me. I got the jeans on, I got the vest, the gel in my hair...
Mitch as Dave: You look great.
Dave as Mitch: ...but I am not going to do this.
Mitch as Dave: Yes, you are going to do this.
Dave as Mitch: Why do I have to do this?
Mitch as Dave: Because it shows that you’re considerate, that you’re clean, that you’re American.
Dave as Mitch: Why do you even care?
Mitch as Dave: It’s my body!
Dave as Mitch: It’s my body right now! ... I’m scared!
Mitch as Dave: There, we have it. .....
Dave as Mitch: Nobody ever needs to know that this happened, Mitch.
Mitch as Dave: Boy, real tempting to kiss my own dick...
Dave as Mitch: Ah, that tickles.
& Sabrina: I was Phil Niekro for Halloween three years in a row as a kid.
Dave as Mitch: No way! Phil Niekro is my number one favorite of all time!! Why is my voice so high?
& Mitch as Dave: Fuck that noise. We are not quitting. I think you can do better, Ted.
Ted: I beg your pardon.
Mitch as Dave: I don’t see anybody headed for the door. This is just like trying to fuck a Catholic girl who keeps saying, “No, I don’t want to. I’m really drunk and you’re circumcised.” But she keeps on making out with you, she’s not leaving your Fiero... It means she really wants to. She just needs a little bit of a nudge. A little bit of a coax, little bit of a tickle. Just to rationalize it to herself, to her God. Do you know what I mean?
— No, Dave. We most definitely do not know what you mean.
Mitch as Dave: Okay. What I mean is, they want to spend more, they just don’t know it, all right? If this really was their final offer, they’d be leaving, but they’re not. They’re sticking around. They’ve got more money to spend. She wants to unroll that rubber at the bottom of her purse that she put in there three semesters ago.
— Do not listen to him, Ted! He is beyond reckless.
— If we make too large a counter offer, we risk driving them away.
Mitch as Dave: Ted, it doesn’t hurt to ask. You would not believe the nasty shit I get these girls to do, just by asking. Honestly, it’s revolting.
Ted: It does seem odd that they’re not leaving.
Mitch as Dave: Punch her in the seat.
& Sabrina: We were not put on this earth to work, breed and die.
Dave as Mitch: No, we were not...
Sabrina: Don’t interrupt me, handsome. We are here to have fun.
& Sabrina: Why can’t I be a professional, successful woman who sleeps with someone she just met? You know?
Dave as Mitch: I haven’t heard a word you said since you took your pants off.
& Sabrina: Oh, God, you’re nervous. I like that. Your leg is shaking.
Dave as Mitch: That’s not my leg.
& Sabrina: Take off my bra.
Dave as Mitch: All of it?
Sabrina: Just the parts covering the breasts.
& — Is she kissing the wrong guy?
& Dave as Mitch: You ready to take a piss?
Mitch as Dave: You bet your ass I am.
& Mitch as Dave: How are we supposed to get this done?
Dave as Mitch: You just be super cool... and don’t draw attention to yourself.
& Dave as Mitch: I feel really bad about that but can we talk about that at another time? There is a girl scout staring at my penis.
& Mitch & Dave: I wish I had my old life back!
& Mitch: When we were kids, Dave and I, we had a lot of big plans. Dave, he was going to be an astronaut, and I was going to sell dolphins on the black market... Astronaut! There’s a reason I’m not selling dolphins. We live in Atlanta, they’re tough to find. And those things, they don’t sleep, which also makes it real hard to catch them.
& Dave: Is it weird that I miss your penis?
Mitch: Come on. It would be weird if you didn’t.
--
+ quotes on the Imdb.
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