House of Lies 1x5

Utah

& Marty: Fucking Utah.

& Marty: You’re not as blonde as you look.

& Marty: Four shots of Patron, please. No, leave me out of that.
    Jeannie: Just a diet Coke, please.
    Marty: Jeannie, you’re really gonna need something a little stiffer* than that, okay? Because for the next three days we are knee-deep in Mormons.

& Marty: Optics: how things look to the client. We are basically telling companies to change the way they’ve been doing business forever. And who the fuck are we? Just some people they met a few days ago. All they have to go on is what they can see. And what they need to see is people who have their best interests at heart. People who are just like them. Especially when we’re selling them a mountain of bullshit.

& Clyde: Guys, we all saw it, so we can talk about it. She was smiling at me.
    Jeannie: She was smiling at all of us.
    Clyde: At your faces, yes... but she was smiling at my cock.
    Marty: You really are a dickhead.
    Clyde: I sure am.

& Brant Butterfield: You must be Marty.
    Doug: Oh, God, no. I wish.
    Clyde: Oh... Guys, I’m straight on fire today.
    Butterfield: Oh, Marty!
    Clyde: Clyde... actually.
    Marty: Marty Kaan.
    Butterfield: ... Nice to meet you. Of course.

& Marty: Listen, um, if you shit the bed on this one, you are gonna get a one-way ticket right back to whatever bumfuck whistle-stop you came from and are working so hard to scrub from your existence. We straight?
    Jeannie: Mm-hmm. Okay. Thanks for the support.

---

& Clyde: She’s a devout Mormon, which means she doesn’t do this. She’s a virgin.
    Doug: Wait a minute. Actual virgin or technical virgin?
    Clyde: What does that even mean?
    Doug: Uh... rear entry is a very common practice for women who want to keep their, uh, temple pristine*.

& Jeannie: Do you know what would work for me?
    Clyde: What?
    Jeannie: If we shared a really good bottle of wine, and then, um, he kissed me gently but soulfully...
    Clyde: Of course.
    Jeannie: And... kind of caressed my hair, and then whispered sweetly, “I would really love your feces on my dick.”

& Jeannie: There’s a crack somewhere. There’s always a crack, and I’ll find it.
    Doug: I’ve looked. Jeannie, I’ve looked. There’s no crack. What if there’s not a crack?
    Jeannie: Then we’ll get a fucking sledgehammer, Doug, and make one.

& Roscoe: So how come you didn’t go to Fiji?
    Monica: Because the dickhead that I’m dating decided to take his ugly wife instead.
    Roscoe: You shouldn’t say “dickhead.”
    Monica: Yeah, well, he shouldn’t be one.

& Monica: I arrange an internship for his fat as fuck daughter. I even let him f... Do you know what a “golden shower” is?
    Roscoe: When it’s sunny and it rains?
    Monica: Oh, that’s magical.

& Roscoe: Breaking into his house and stealing?
    Monica: Uh-uh. Appropriating replacement value, sweetie. And it is not breaking in when you have the pass code.

& Rebecca: When I was a kid, we went to Spain. It was incredible.
    Clyde: I love Spain.
    Rebecca: Really?
    Clyde: The beaches, the museums, the people... they’re called Spaniels, right?

& Doug: Oh, my God... and corn? You know what they say about corn.
    Clyde: No.
    Doug: You never really own it, you just borrow it. ... That’s it, good girl, get every last kernel.

& Jeannie: Did you seriously not fuck her in the ass? You are such a pussy.

& Paul: Uh, actually, hang on a second... That number seems off to me.
    Marty: Uh-oh. The most dreaded words a consultant can hear. One bad number throws all your numbers into question. Everything up to that point doesn’t matter. All the client can see is an incompetent boob* with 40 PowerPoint pages full of garbage.

& Paul: That spending figure strikes me as high. Where... where did you get that?
    Jeannie: I...
    Marty: That’s FCA. From Calvin’s ass. Calvin Sobel is something of a consulting legend. The term’s an homage, and when uttered with absolute certainty, it is a surprisingly effective answer to, “Where’d you get that number?” It’s also FMA. From my ass.

“I Go Away” by MNDR

How did I get here
Without feeling anything?
Stay true, see it through, they say
Ticktock, time just slips away
I’ll go away, I’ll go away
I’ll go my own way

--
stiffer — жесткая
pristine — нетронутый; чистый; неиспорченный
boob — досадная ошибка; болван

On the Imdb.

__ Jeannie's call.