Of Course He's Dead: Part 1 & 2

Two and a Half Men 12×15

& Walden: Do you ever experience shame?
    Alan: Uh, shame is a rich man’s emotion. I can barely afford embarrassment.

& Walden: Alan slept with her, too.
    Alan: Hey, after 12 years, everybody’s slept with everybody.

& Evelyn: Charlie is still alive?!
    Rose: Yeah, kinda.
    Alan: What do you mean, «kinda»? ’Cause she «kinda» drank when she was pregnant with me, and now I «kinda» can’t do math.

& Walden: Uh... so, uh... what exactly happened to Charlie?
    Alan: Yeah, start from the beginning.
    Rose: You mean from the pilot?

& Lieutenant Wagner: All right, now, let me see if I got this straight. 12 years ago, your wife kicked you out, and then you and your dumb son moved in with your brother.
    Alan: Uh, uh, he wasn’t dumb at the beginning. Uh, he got dumb later on.
    Lieutenant Wagner: What happened?
    Alan: Uh, well, turned out it was funnier.

---

& Lieutenant Wagner: Now, if I can, uh, offer you a word of advice... I would consider wrapping this whole thing up.
    Alan: Uh, what do you mean?
    Lieutenant Wagner: I mean the whole living arrangement. The kids, the girls, the beach house. I mean, this whole thing has been going on waaay too long.
    Alan: Yeah, a lot of people been saying that.
    Walden: Haters gonna hate.

& Walden: You won $2.5 million?!
    Jake: Oh, yeah. It’s not that hard. I kept playing craps because, you know, «crap...» Oh, and I kept betting on come, because...
    Walden: Wow. That’s... amazing that you made so much money with such stupid jokes.

& Alan: Uh, uh, okay, long story short— it turns out my brother is alive and he’s out for revenge.
    Judith: Revenge? For what?
    Alan: Well, he didn’t think I could go on without him. He thought I was more of a supporting character in his life, but it turns out I-I was sort of a co-lead.

& Christian Slater: I’m telling you, I’m not Charlie Harper.
    Lieutenant Wagner: Then who are you?
    Christian Slater: My name is Christian Slater. I’m an actor, all right? I was in a bar, and this guy hands me a drink. Next thing I know, I wake up in a hotel room dressed like a 12-year-old, with a screaming woman in the closet.
    Lieutenant Wagner: Yeah, right. And I’m the governor of California.

& Chuck Lorre: Winning.

The End

--
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Don't Give a Monkey a Gun

Two and a Half Men 12×14

& Alan: Oh, this is so uncomfortable.
    Walden: What?
    Alan: Well, I’m about to have breakfast with my current lover, my former lover, and my husband... Oh, my God, I’m turning into my mother.

& Lyndsey: I’m sorry, so, after living in his guest-house for free for four years, your billionaire friend is granting you a wish?
    Alan: Just one! This is so hard.
    Lyndsey: Yeah. What do you get for a guy who has... nothing?

& Walden: This is my fault. I gave you too much power. You don’t give a monkey a gun. Did we learn nothing from Planet of the Apes?

---

& Walden: Uh, well, to celebrate our divorce, I’d like to get my ex-husband an engagement ring for his on-again, off-again girlfriend. Oh, and I might need your card, in case I propose to my girlfriend, his ex-girlfriend, our social worker. Also, do you validate?

& Walden: Don’t worry about the price. Just get what you want.
    Alan: Wow. Lyndsey is very lucky to have a man like you in my life.

& Berta: I’m out of here.
    Walden: What?! You’re leaving?
    Berta: Yeah. I want to get home and watch the series finale of The Big Bang Theory. Matthew McConaughey is guest starring.
    Louis: I didn’t know President McConaughey could act.

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Boompa Loved His Hookers

Two and a Half Men 12×13

& Alan: Sex is so much better with someone you know well.
    Walden: Yeah. Mm-hmm.
    Alan: That’s why so many marriages last forever.

& Walden: Okay, fine, I admit it. I-I made a mistake. I just... I Alan’d this whole thing up.
    Alan: My name as a verb. I like it.

& Alan: People think I’m gay? That’s hilarious! Can’t wait to tell my husband.

---

& Walden: This is weird. Feel like I should be doing something dad-like. Like drinking beers outside. Or grilling something. You know, something manly.

& Walden: Okay, buddy, here we go. This is the first time we’re walking into this house as an official family.
    Berta: Cool. Walden Schmidt, Louis Schmidt and a big pile of Schmidt.

& Walden: I traded her for you! Oh, my God! We’re idiots!
    Alan: I know. We’re gonna die alone!
    Walden: Worse! We’re gonna die with each other!


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A Beer-Battered Rip-Off

Two and a Half Men 12×12

& Ms. McMartin: ...But before the adoption is final, I want you to tell Louis you two aren’t gay.
    Walden: Are you sure that this is the best time to do that? I mean, I haven’t even talked to him about the birds and the bees, let alone the bees and the bees.

& Ms. McMartin: I know there is never a perfect time to tell your son his two dads aren’t gay... but it’ll be more harmful the longer you wait.

& Lyndsey: Are you really asking me to stay?
    Alan: Yes, I mean, we’ve shared so much over the years. We can’t just throw it away like a... a long-running hit television show that still pulls in a pretty decent audience.

---

& Walden: Do I need to take you to a meeting?
    Lyndsey: No, still sober. But I should apologize for sleeping with your husband... Not the first time I’ve said that.

& Walden: Alan? I want you to get your penis out of my business!

& Walden: ...And I’m warning you, you stay away. I am a billionaire and I can buy my way out of at least one murder! This is still America.

& Alan: I grant you that, you know, maybe it was a mistake to sleep with her, but when a woman has five cats, she doesn’t have to be «made crazy.»

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For Whom the Booty Calls

Two and a Half Men 12×11

& Walden: No, I meant the fact that you are cheating on your husband to sleep with your social worker.

& Walden: And how much cheese is too much cheese?

& Leo: So, uh, why did you and your wife choose to adopt?
    Walden: My wife is incapable of having children... Yeah, his name is Alan.

---

& Jack: Do you know what the worst «wife» thing is? When you forget to ask them, «How was your day?»
    Walden: No, no, the worst thing is when you ask Alan, «How was your day?» and he answers.

& Walden: I had fun last night, and I want to have fun again tonight.
    Alan: I see. And Webster’s defines fun as having or pertaining to the absence of Alan. From the Latin: hurticus feelingsmus.

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Here I Come, Pants!

Two and a Half Men 12×10

& Alan: Okay, I don’t know what was going on up there with Laurel, but... Rich, handsome and a master of the boudoir. You’re everything I think I am when I’m drunk.
    Walden: What can I say? I got a magical tongue, and I can breathe through my ears.

& Alan: Y-You want to take Louis away from us just because we don’t have sex?

& Walden: Of course it matters. Because we’re not lying! We are best friends, and we are married. And we do love each other. And I’m sorry, but just, you know, how many people can say that they are married to their best friend?
    Alan: Alan Harper-Schmidt can.

---

& Berta: Well, what are you gonna do about it?
    Alan: There’s nothing I can do.
    Berta: Just gonna throw in the towel before the first round?
    Alan: What?
    Berta: Let me put it in terms you’ll understand. You’re crapping your tutu before the ballet starts.

& Alan: How?
    Berta: I don’t know. But if there is anybody in the world that can figure out how to keep somebody in this house, it’s you.

& Berta: How you doing?
    Walden: I’ve been better.
    Berta: Well, you want to forget the pain or you want to forget your name?
    Walden: Got anything to help me forget Alan?
    Berta: If I did, I’d be asking you, «Who’s Alan?»

--
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Bouncy, Bouncy, Bouncy, Lyndsey

Two and a Half Men 12×9

& Walden: You know, it’s not the things that you do, so much as the way that you say them... No, no. It-It’s also the things that you do.

& Walden: So, what you been up to?
    Laurel: Oh, you know, not much. Just... training for a marathon, developing an international photo sharing app, and I’m writing a young adult novel.
    Walden: Wow. Really?
    Laurel: No, I have a six-year-old. All I do is come here and eat food on a stick.

---

& Alan: So what’s the deal? Pinched nerve? Slipped disk? The official diagnosis?
    Herb: You’re old.
    Alan: Very funny. I’d like a second opinion.
    Herb: .... Look, Alan, when you get to be our age, you get a little more fragile. You-you don’t bounce back as easily. The only thing that bounces back is that belly when I poke it.

& Herb: You should come down and work out with me. It’s, uh, nothing but hot women in yoga pants as far as the eye can see. Sure, it’s a little creepy if you look right at ’em, but, uh, there are mirrors everywhere.

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Family, Bublé, Deep-Fried Turkey

Two and a Half Men 12×8

& Walden: ...Got it?
    Evelyn: So you want me to be Santa. Toys, bite, crunch, sip, wink, jiggle, leave... That sounds a lot like an orgy I had in Palm Springs once.

& Walden: All right, let’s get this stuff wrapped so we can enjoy this holiday the way I always imagined. Listening to Michael Bublé’s Christmas album... with my husband.

---

& Alan: No Christmas is ever perfect. There’s always gonna be a toy that’s broken or the wrong kind of batteries. I mean, even on the very first Christmas, Mary and Joseph woke up to the smell of donkey crap.

& Walden: I’m sorry that I said I didn’t want you around.
    Rose: Oh, please. It’s not like every time somebody says something mean to me, I write it down in a big book called «Those Who Have Wronged Me...»

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Sex with an Animated Ed Asner

Two and a Half Men 12×7

& Walden: I’m exhausted. I’m also sticky and dirty and sweaty and slimy. I’m like the seven dwarfs of disgusting.

& Alan: Little boys have a lot of energy. They’re like cute little crackheads. Except crackheads have better toilet aim.

& Walden: He’s 24-7. He’s like the Energizer bunny. You know why you never met the Energizer bunny’s dad? ’Cause one night, he went out for cigarettes, and he just kept going and going and going.

& Walden: Actually, I-I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing.
    Laurel: Join the club. Parenting’s like a yoga class. You just do what everybody else is doing and try not to laugh when someone farts.

---

& Laurel: Well, I already had the sitter, and... first rule of parenting: Never cancel the sitter.

& Laurel: Uh, do you know what Louis has?
    Walden: Uh, well, I went on the Internet and I’ve narrowed it down to either the flu, rickets or early-onset menopause.
    Laurel: Second rule of parenting: Never consult the Internet.

& Laurel: ... I’m so sorry.
    Walden: What? Why?
    Laurel: You’re married. To a man.
    Walden: Oh... That.

& Walden: ... okay, the thing about my marriage is... I’m not gay.
    Laurel: Does Alan know?
    Walden: His brain knows, but his heart may not.

& Laurel: Parenting rule number four: Sleep is better than sex.

--
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Alan Shot a Little Girl

Two and a Half Men 12×6

& Walden: You’re not Al-Al Cool Dad, you’re just Weird Al.
    Alan: Okay, first of all, that’s a compliment to a lover of puns...

& Jean: So, you’re teaching Louis Mandarin?
    Walden: Well, I bought him, uh, an app for 99 cents, so, yeah, I’m teaching him.

---

& Walden: Hey, uh, buddy, now that you’re finished with your chores, what do you say we go bowling, huh? Doesn’t that sound fun? We get to wear other people’s shoes...

& Alan: ... I’ve never been anybody’s first pick before.
    Walden: You were my first pick to help me raise a kid.
    Alan: Clean up on aisle five. The floor’s about to be covered in tears.

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On the IMDb

Oontz. Oontz. Oontz.

Two and a Half Men 12×5

& Alan: Well, six is a great age. Potty-trained but not ashamed of you yet.

& Alan: Yeah, all those great father-son moments...

& Walden: I don’t even know what a good dad looks like. I mean, I know what a bad dad looks like. It’s an empty chair across the table from my mom.

& Louis: So, which one of you is the mommy?

& Walden: Oh, my God, that was like pulling teeth. Please tell me this gets easier!
    Alan: It doesn’t, but the good news is, you stop trying.

---

& Walden: We spent an hour building a sand castle, and all he did was dig a hole! Who digs holes, Alan? Prisoners, they want to escape.
    Alan: Oh, Walden. Why are the pretty ones always so crazy?

& Berta: I got to tell you, we both hit the lottery with this place. Walden and Alan are the best. They’re nice, they’re fun, and guess what else.
    Louis: What?
    Berta: They’re easy to fool. Last year, I went to my granddaughter’s graduation seven times. And with that face... you can get anything you want. Welcome to Malibu, kid.

& Alan: Look at us. We’re like the Three Musketeers.
    Walden: I don’t think the Three Musketeers shared a bed.
    Alan: You don’t know that. They were French.

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Thirty-Eight, Sixty-Two, Thirty-Eight

Two and a Half Men 12×4

& Walden: This here kitchen is a death trap. Whole mess of things up in here that can kill someone. We got knives, we got fire, poison, scalding hot water, Alan’s leftover fish tacos...
    Berta: You worry too much. Jake ate a steady diet of floor wax and detergent, and he turned out... Yeah, maybe it’s not a bad idea.

& Berta: Why would you need to lock the towel drawer? You hide your pot in the medicine cabinet— I’m guessing!

& Walden: If you mess this up for me, I will make your life a living hell. Now, remember, we love each other.

---

& Herb: Walden, you are gonna make a great dad. And, Alan, you’ve already raised Jake, so I guess just... do the opposite.

& Herb: Sometimes the baby just doesn’t want to come out. I mean, put yourself in its position. For nine months, you’ve been floating in the world’s nicest waterbed. Then somebody opens a trap door, all the water flows out, a set of salad tongs grabs you by the head and yanks you out, and then some guy you never seen before starts slapping you on the ass. Reminds me of a trip I took to Tijuana once...

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Glamping in a Yurt

Two and a Half Men 12×3

& Alan: Um, what’s your mother’s maiden name?
    Walden: This might be easier if I just give you my online password.
    Alan: Oh.
    Walden: It’s «Don’t order credit cards in my name.»
    Alan: Right, uh, all one word, no spaces?

---

& Walden: Oh, you know what, this happens all the time. Tourists get an out-of-date map to celebrity homes. Honey, Charlie Sheen doesn’t live here anymore!

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A Chic Bar in Ibiza

Two and a Half Men 12×2

& Alan: I mean, we’re gonna pretend to be a couple?
    Walden: We wouldn’t pretend. We’re actually going to be a same-sex married couple. And like most married couples, we will not have sex.
    Alan: Not even on my birthday? Sorry, sorry... flashback to the first wife.

& Jenny: I didn’t march in all of those gay rights parades so you guys could make a mockery of our hard-won civil liberties.
    Berta: You marched in those parades so you could get drunk and pick up chicks.
    Jenny: Hard-won chicks.

---

& Walden: You know, I do have 99 problems, and you’re all of them.

& Walden: Mom, I’m not gay! I-I just want to marry a man. Why is that so difficult to understand?

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The Ol' Mexican Spinach

Two and a Half Men 12×1

& Walden: What decays in Vegas stays in Vegas.

& Alan: God, you know what I love about Halloween? You can put «slutty» in front of any job position, and it becomes a costume. Slutty nurse, slutty librarian, slutty lunch lady...

& Alan: At least I took a chance with my costume. I mean, Elvis and zombies... It’s real original. Next year, it’s vampire Obama. «Yes, we can!»

& Walden: I haven’t exactly been successful in love. It’s like I’m running JavaScript and women are running HTML5... Talking like that is part of the problem, isn’t it?

---

& Walden: Do you know how long it takes to get a baby?
    Alan: Well, I know it takes, uh, five months of mood swings and four months of not wanting to be touched.

& Walden: You just said that I’m more than qualified.
    Allison: And you are. But you’re a single guy, and the system is really geared towards married couples.
    Walden: That’s racist.
    Allison: Uh, no, it’s not.
    Walden: Then it’s sexist.
    Allison: Nope.
    Walden: Well, it’s some kind of «sist.»

& Walden: You are... always there for me.
    Alan: Yeah, and-and you’re always there for me.
    Walden: We’re best friends. What if we were more than friends?
    Alan: Like... super friends?
    Walden: Alan Harper, will you marry me?

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Oh WALD-E, Good Times Ahead

Two and a Half Men 11×22

& Walden: No! He’s not gonna learn his lesson if you forgive him! The only way he’s gonna learn is through pain and suffering, and possibly losing a tooth!

& Alan: Alright, honey, you look beautiful, but let’s move it along please. Jenny, hit it.
    Jenny: «Daughters, mothers, sisters, we gather, safe from the patriarchy and the oppression of its penises.» I really should have revised this before doing a straight wedding.

---

& Walden: Can you believe it? We’re still together, three years later.
    Alan: I know. I thought for sure it was over when Charlie died.
    Walden: Thank God I showed up.
    Alan: You’re telling me.

& Walden: Don’t call it «a date». Just call it «two men hanging out».
    WALD-E: Hey, what about me?
    Walden: Okay, fine. Two and a half men.

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On the IMDb

Dial 1-900-Mix-A-Lot

Two and a Half Men 11×21

& Gretchen: How do you afford the rent, Alan?.. What’s so funny?
    Alan: Well, I don’t pay rent, per Se. Or per month. Or per year.
    Gretchen: Really? No rent? How long has that been going on?
    Jenny: Three years with Walden, eight years with my dad.

& Gretchen: You have been living here for 11 years for free?.. I have never wanted you more. Who’s my cheap daddy?
    Alan: Would you like to see the bedroom I don’t pay for?
    Gretchen: Would you like to see my boobs I bought with a Groupon?
    Alan: Will you let me get my grope on?

& Walden: Nice to meet you, Gretchen. Make yourself at home... I’ve got to stop saying that.

---

& Barry: You know what my dad got me for my 16th birthday? Box of condoms and a card that said, «Don’t make the same mistake I did.» He was a joker.

& Jenny: So, is this your car? It still got the «Vote For Bush» bumper sticker on it. You were a Republican?
    Walden: No, my friends and I just thought it was funny... You know, «Bush».
    Barry: Tell you what. I love Bush.
    Jenny: You and me, both.

& Berta: I was saving this for your funeral... But, Zippy, you’re a charmer.
    Alan: Thanks, Berta.
    Berta: No, thank you. Now, I don’t have to go to your funeral.

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Lotta Delis in Little Armenia

Two and a Half Men 11×20

& Dr. Freeman: If things were always good with people, I wouldn’t have that condo in Palm Springs.

& Dr. Freeman: Let me ask you something, Walden. Have you ever been able to have sex and not fall in love?
    Walden: Only with myself.

& Dr. Freeman: How do you feel after you sleep with someone?
    Walden: Grateful. Happy, bashful, dopey... Basically, all the dwarves.

& Dr. Freeman: I’m gonna write you a prescription. You need to learn to enjoy sexual relations without concluding that every woman is «the one»...
    Walden: «Bang everything that moves...?»
    Dr. Freeman: Twice a day if possible. Mixing with alcohol is fine, just not while driving.

---

& Walden: Hey, Berta. Can I ask you a personal question?—
    Berta: Twice. Once in college, and once with a waitress from Howard Johnson’s.

& Walden: Do you think it’s possible to have sex with someone without an emotional attachment?
    Berta: Of course. My rule is, «Find them, fornicate and forget them».
    Walden: Mine is, «Love them, lose them, live your life with Alan».

& Walden: Why are you massaging me and calling me «baby» and dressed like a gay cheetah?

& Walden: Alan?
    Alan: Yeah?
    Walden: Run!

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On the IMDb

Lan mao shi zai wuding shang

Two and a Half Men 11×19

& Jenny: Just do what my dad did. Don’t buy the cow, if you can get a lactating stripper to give you the milk for free!

& Vivian: Wow, look at you! Now, you can look at the ocean and watch porn at the same time.

---

& Vivian: This view is free.
    Walden: God, everything you say is like a bumper sticker. I’m gonna keep on trucking then.

& Vivian: Hiya!
    Walden: Oh, they had just dropped back down!

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Σ Mila Kunis!

West Side Story

Two and a Half Men 11×18

& Barry: Kate was the great love of his life, who he met by pretending to be poor. By the time he told her the truth, she’d become a successful designer and moved to China. At first, they e-mailed frequently, but it tapered off over time. Now he just uses Google Earth to look in her bedroom window. But the image hasn’t refreshed, so he just stares for hours at a photo of a Hong Kong cab driver named Bao Ling...

& Barry: If you don’t want me to know, come up with a harder password. «Q-D-backslash-seven-two dollar-symbol big-C-little-K»...

---

& Gretchen: Jeff, do you not want me to see your place? You’re worried about your porn? Don’t. I love porn.
    Alan: You’re perfect.

& Berta: Puking all night and screwing all day. It’s like Charlie never left.

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