Of Course He's Dead: Part 1 & 2

Two and a Half Men 12×15

& Walden: Do you ever experience shame?
    Alan: Uh, shame is a rich man’s emotion. I can barely afford embarrassment.

& Walden: Alan slept with her, too.
    Alan: Hey, after 12 years, everybody’s slept with everybody.

& Evelyn: Charlie is still alive?!
    Rose: Yeah, kinda.
    Alan: What do you mean, «kinda»? ’Cause she «kinda» drank when she was pregnant with me, and now I «kinda» can’t do math.

& Walden: Uh... so, uh... what exactly happened to Charlie?
    Alan: Yeah, start from the beginning.
    Rose: You mean from the pilot?

& Lieutenant Wagner: All right, now, let me see if I got this straight. 12 years ago, your wife kicked you out, and then you and your dumb son moved in with your brother.
    Alan: Uh, uh, he wasn’t dumb at the beginning. Uh, he got dumb later on.
    Lieutenant Wagner: What happened?
    Alan: Uh, well, turned out it was funnier.

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& Lieutenant Wagner: Now, if I can, uh, offer you a word of advice... I would consider wrapping this whole thing up.
    Alan: Uh, what do you mean?
    Lieutenant Wagner: I mean the whole living arrangement. The kids, the girls, the beach house. I mean, this whole thing has been going on waaay too long.
    Alan: Yeah, a lot of people been saying that.
    Walden: Haters gonna hate.

& Walden: You won $2.5 million?!
    Jake: Oh, yeah. It’s not that hard. I kept playing craps because, you know, «crap...» Oh, and I kept betting on come, because...
    Walden: Wow. That’s... amazing that you made so much money with such stupid jokes.

& Alan: Uh, uh, okay, long story short— it turns out my brother is alive and he’s out for revenge.
    Judith: Revenge? For what?
    Alan: Well, he didn’t think I could go on without him. He thought I was more of a supporting character in his life, but it turns out I-I was sort of a co-lead.

& Christian Slater: I’m telling you, I’m not Charlie Harper.
    Lieutenant Wagner: Then who are you?
    Christian Slater: My name is Christian Slater. I’m an actor, all right? I was in a bar, and this guy hands me a drink. Next thing I know, I wake up in a hotel room dressed like a 12-year-old, with a screaming woman in the closet.
    Lieutenant Wagner: Yeah, right. And I’m the governor of California.

& Chuck Lorre: Winning.

The End

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