Two and a Half Men 1x1

Most Chicks Won't Eat Veal

& Alan: Twelve years, and she just throws me out. I mean, what was the point of our wedding vows? You know, “Till death do us part.” Who died? Not me. Not her.

& Charlie: How did you get in my house?
    Alan: Okay, Charlie, the key in the fake rock only works if it’s among other rocks. Not sitting on your Welcome mat.
    Charlie: Excuse me, but if you put the fake rock in with a bunch of other rocks, it’s impossible to find when you’re drunk.

& Jake: Will you take me swimming in the ocean?
    Charlie: Can we talk about it after my head stops exploding?
    Jake: Why is your head exploding?
    Charlie: Well, I drank a little too much wine last night.
    Jake: If it makes you feel bad, why do you drink it?
    Charlie: Nobody likes a wiseass, Jake.
    Jake: You have to put $1 in the swear jar. You said “ass.”
    Charlie: Tell you what, here’s $20. That should cover me till lunch.

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& Charlie: You drink milk?
    Jake: Just with cereal.
    Charlie: Okay.
    Jake: Not that milk. That milk.
    Charlie: What’s the difference?
    Jake: That’s Dairy Farm. We drink Dairy Barn.
    Charlie: Fine. Happy?
    Jake: Why would I be happy? It’s just milk.

& Charlie: Hey, pal, of the two of us, I’ll bet I’m the only one who’s slept with a married woman recently.

& Judith: Alan, I think I’m gay.
    Alan: All right. We’ll make a list. On one side, we’ll put gay stuff...

& Alan: How come you don’t have any kids?
    Charlie: I don’t know. Maybe because I love me more than anything in the world.

+on Imdb.