It's a Khanderful Life

Citizen Khan 5×7

& Mr. Khan: Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas, Mr Khan! I’m not a community leader and nobody knows me.

& Dave: So what do you think is wrong with him, then?
    Riaz: Well, if you ask me, it all goes back to when he first moved to Sparkhill...
    Mr. Khan: The year was 1989, when Band Aid were top of the Christmas charts again. A flight to Pakistan cost only £149. £199 if you wanted an actual seat.
    Narrator: And the world was Mr Khan’s oyster.

& Dave: We’ve got a cross-faith committee led by a rabbi, a priest and an imam.
    Mr. Khan: Is this some kind of joke?

& Mr. Khan: What’s a rabbi doing here?! We don’t have anything in common with these people, Dave. Apart from... snippy-snipping.

& Mr. Khan: Has this got anything to do with Prince Harry? I bet it is Prince Harry. This is a ginger crony conspiracy!

& Dave: You’re invited, too.
    Mr. Khan: What a wonderful gesture! Merry Christmas. And a happy Hanukkah-schmonikka to you, too.

---

& Mr. Khan: Alia, sweetie, the Queen doesn’t do «selfies». She does «onesies». Imagine, the Queen and me in a onesie together...

& Mr. Khan: Look, Mrs... Whoever you are.
Angel: Well, I suppose you could call me... Angel-a.
    Mr. Khan: Right.
    Angel: Or Angel-ena. Or Angel-ica. I’m saying... I’m an angel. You know, from heaven.

& Mr. Khan: I’m a nobody. I should never have moved to Sparkhill.
    Angel: What if you never did?.. I’m going to show you what Sparkhill would be like without you. ....
    Mr. Khan: And they say Muslims are weird.

& Angel: What do you think?
    Mr. Khan: Is this... heaven?
    Angel: No, it’s a pound shop.
    Mr. Khan: It looks like heaven to me!

& Mr. Khan: I want to live in Sparkhill! I want to live in Sparkhill!

& Mr. Khan: Oh, Riaz. Don’t take this the wrong way... but I love you!

& Mr. Khan: Merry Christmas, everyone!

& Mr. Khan: There’s only one palace I want to be in. And I’m standing in it right now, right here, in Sparkhill.

& Mr. Khan: You know, this is the best Christmas ever. I’ve learned... that people you love are all that matters. And in our own small way... we can all make a difference in this world. Isn’t that right?
    Mo: A doggy!
    Mr. Khan: Exactly.

--
On the IMDb

Khan's Niece

Citizen Khan 5×6

& Riaz: I don’t get it.
    Mr. Khan: It’s a thing we boob-tubers do.
    Riaz: Why?
    Mr. Khan: Because then people go and click on it and watch you doing it.
    Riaz: Why?
    Mr. Khan: How should I know? It’s the internet, Riaz, This is how everything works nowadays... It’s all about getting as many hits as possible.

& Mr. Khan: Bouncy mosque. Like a bouncy castle but with minarets.
    Dave: That’s hardly appropriate.
    Mr. Khan: Why not? A bouncy mosque is just like any other mosque. You have to take your shoes off first. And it helps you get higher and closer to God.

& Mr. Khan: Why don’t you just put your money where your mouth is, ah?

& Mr. Khan: You won’t find a proper Pakistani man encouraging the empowerment of women. It would be like turkeys voting for Christmas.

---

& Shazia: Thanks, budhoo.
    Amjad: That’s OK, ladoo. Oh, wait. Can I call you ladoo, or is it demeaning to women?

& Mrs. Khan: Is she paying you to look after Shabana?
    Mr. Khan: It’s not payment! It’s just room and boarding at special discount rate.

& Mr. Khan: Salaam alaikum. You remember me? It’s Uncle Mr Khan.

& Mr. Khan: And who’s that? Some hairy-faced woman from the University of Wolverhampton in dungarees and a degree in «Boo-hoo, it’s so hard being a lady.»

& Dave: What about that?
    Mr. Khan: Well, this is about empowerment, you see. Womens can do man’s jobs too! So the man can just sit down and relax and play with his sudoku.

& Mr. Khan: The Khan family motto? Forgive and forget. Ah?

--
On the IMDb

Alia's University

Citizen Khan 5×5

& Mrs. Khan: She’s too young. Do you think she’ll have a nice time in Scotland?
    Mr. Khan: Sweetie, nobody has a nice time in Scotland.

& Mr. Khan: If everyone just does as I say, there’ll be no problems at all...

& Mr. Khan: Alia, beti, I promise, as you grow up, I’ll give you the best start in life, the best opportunities and the best education. But you won’t need one of these. Imagine a world where all the children had mobile phones...

& Mr. Khan: I’ll sort this out. I know what I’m doing, it’ll be fine, you worry too much, you people.

& Lorry driver: You must be joking, pal.
    Mr. Khan: It’s OK, we’re Pakistani, not Romanians.

& Lorry driver: Forget it. I voted leave.
    Mr. Khan: So did I!

---

& Mr. Khan: Sweetie, ... I know your head is filled only with God and studies right now. But one day you realise there are other things in the world... Like boys.
    Alia: OK.
    Mr. Khan: But what you have to remember is that boys are not like girls.
    Alia: Are they not?
    Mr. Khan: No. Boys are bad. They only have one thing on their minds.
    Alia: What’s that?
    Mr. Khan: ..... Cricket.
    Alia: Cricket?! I don’t like cricket.
    Mr. Khan: I know. And that’s good. But one day you might decide that you do... like... cricket....

& Mr. Khan: ...one day you might meet somebody, let’s say a boy, and he’s really into the cricket and he might try and get you to watch. And you might think, well, there’s no harm in watching. But then... he shows you his bat. And his pads. And his helmet. And the next thing you know, the covers are off, you’re letting him play on your pitch and you’ve been caught out by his googly. Do you see?
    Alia: Sort of.
    Mr. Khan: Good!

& Mrs. Khan: Your father’s right, beti.
    Mr. Khan: Am I? Blimey!
    Mrs. Khan: What are you doing?
    Mr. Khan: I’m writing it down. «23rd of September 2016, Mrs Khan says Mr Khan is right.»

& Mr. Khan: Clever, modest and practical. Aw... She’s a practically perfect Pakistani in every way.

& Mr. Khan: It’s fine. As soon as we get to Scotland, we’ll sneak out and everything will be Mac-tickety-boo.

& Mr. Khan: I should have known. Scottish people never go back to Scotland once they’ve escaped.

--
On the IMDb

Scab's Parents

Citizen Khan 5×4

& Mr. Khan: Oh! I missed the ball!

& Mr. Khan: I suppose son-in-laws are just like your own children, huh? You make a mistake with the first one... but you get it right the second time around.

& Amjad: But, sir, you’re old and a boy. Why aren’t you part of the network?
    Mr. Khan: Amjad, the people in these old boy networks wear stripy ties, old-fashioned suits and talk in a funny accent. They’re nothing like me.

& Mr. Khan: Mr Scabby doesn’t think my Pakistani family’s good enough. Who does he think he is? Donald Trumps?
    Amjad: Maybe he’s a racialist...
    Mr. Khan: I’m not going to stand for that. When we see him, I’m going to give him a piece of my mind.

& Mr. Khan: Of course! Of course I know what a sauna is. I’m not an idiot!

& Mr. Khan: This is how we dress in Pakistani saunas.
    Mr Rogers: I didn’t know saunas were the thing in Pakistan.
    Mr. Khan: Oh, yes! We’ve got the biggest sauna in the world. It’s called Karachi.

& Amjad: We’re going to give him a piece of our minds... We’re Pakistani. If you don’t want us, we don’t want you! And you can stick your hoity-toity country club right up your...

---

& Mr Rogers: Because we’re not racist!

& Mr. Khan: And about earlier, that was all a misunderstanding, ah? I didn’t really think you were racist. I thought you were posh. But, obviously, you’re not posh, I mean, you’re actually very common. Not, not common! You’re all white! All right! All right! Right. Right.

& Mr. Khan: No! We can do cocktails. No problem.
    Mrs. Khan: What?!
    Mr Rogers: Are you sure? I mean, what with you being Muslim.
    Mr. Khan: Oh! Muslim Shuslim!

& Mrs. Khan: You’re going to tell them this is champagne?
    Mr. Khan: Pakistani champagne like French champagne, but browner.

& Mrs Rogers: Ohhh, dear. Well, I have to say, you’re not at all like we imagined. They’re not at all like we imagined, are they?
    Mr Rogers: No, you’re not at all like we imagined.
    Mr. Khan: We’re not at all like they imagined.

& Mr. Khan: Let’s not forget the little-known sixth pillar of Islam. Those that shall have loads of money... shall give it unto their kinneth and also... unto their in-laws.

& Mr. Khan: Alia, beti, Scabby has something he’d like to aks you.

& Mr. Khan: So, which one are you going to go to? Birmingham City University or The University of Birmingham?
    Alia: Neither.
    Mr. Khan: But none of the rest are in Birmingham!

& Mr. Khan: ...for future reference, if you’re looking for freedom, getting married doesn’t have very much.

--
On the IMDb

Funeral

Citizen Khan 5×3

& Mr. Khan: Assalaamu Alaikum, my boobtube followers.

& Mr. Khan: Sweetie, there aren’t enough truffles in the world to support that woman!

& Mr. Khan: I know this is a difficult time for everyone, but I’m just trying to get on with normal life. We Pakistanis are very good at making the best of a bad situation. Why do you think there are so many of us in Birmingham?

& Amjad: Maybe you should take over the funeral arrangements...
    Mr. Khan: Amjad, it’s very easy. Muslim funerals are all about speed. Pray-pray, cry-cry, dig-dig, bish-bosh!

& Mr. Khan: I don’t want you to worry about anything. You just stay here, relax and enjoy yourself. Not enjoy yourself. I mean, be sad... in a good way!

& Mr. Khan: He was stressed so I’ve just been relieving him of his tension!

& Riaz: Yes, we have to perform the burial ritual, do the prayers and the body has to be buried today with the head facing Mecca.
    Mr. Khan: What you telling us for? We know!

---

& Mr. Khan: Mr Khan, K... H for hat, A for Asian, N for knowledge.

& Alia: You never know what to say. When I found out, I texted Mrs Malik, OMG, coffin picture, sad face. What did we do before we had emojis?

& Mrs Malik: I don’t need to worry about being alone in the house. I won’t be back there for months...
    Mr. Khan: What?!
    Mrs Malik: I’ve booked myself on a Caribbean cruise. It’s what he would have wanted.

& Mr. Khan: What are you saying? That men shouldn’t wear women’s clothes?
    Dave: Well, no, of course not. Obviously, I’m in favour of a non-binary definition of gender identity.
    Mr. Khan: I thought you might be.

& Mr. Khan: Right, come on, come on, Riaz can’t sit on that coffin forever.

--
On the IMDb

Bullies

Citizen Khan 5×2

& Mr. Khan: I have a very special new drone camera so I can keep an eye on the whole of Sparkhill. I call it NWA — Neighbourhood Watch Asian-style.

& Mr. Khan: What the bloomin’ heck are they doing?! When will these weird people realise that we’re not fancy-schmancy European any more?

& Mr. Khan: This neighbourhood’s going really downhill. I blame the immigrants.

& Amjad: But, sir, I don’t like violence.
    Mr. Khan: It’s not about violence. Violence never solved anything. I’m talking about non-violent resistance, like Martin Luther Vandross... It’s about keeping a cool head, rising above it, letting it go in one ear and out the other.

& Amjad: You’re a fat, old man with a stupid beard and a silly, old-fashioned suit!

& Shazia: You said we have to stand up to bullies.
    Mr. Khan: Not necessarily. Depends on the size of the bullies.

---

& Mr. Khan: Well, at times like this we have to remember we’re Pakistani. A tribal nation, ready to defend our family honour.
    Amjad: So we’re going to stand up to the bullying?
    Mr. Khan: No. We’re going to go in disguise.

Red Right Hand — Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds

♪ Take a little walk ♪
♪ to the edge of town ♪
♪ And go across the tracks ♪
♪ Where the viaduct looms ♪
♪ like a bird of doom ♪
♪ As it shifts and cracks ♪
♪ Where secrets lie in the border fires ♪
♪ In the humming wires... ♪

& Amjad: What are we going to do, sir? If I die, Shazia will kill me.

& Shazia: She is your niece, you know.
Alia: She’s your daughter. You win.

& Mr. Khan: Not so fast, my lime-green Pakistani princess.

--
On the IMDb

Cricket

Citizen Khan 5×1

& Mr. Khan: Assalaamu alaikum, Great Britain. Mr Khan speaking. Welcome to my Boob Tube channel. I know the country’s gone to pot now a woman’s running it, but don’t worry, I’m here.

& Mrs. Khan: I’ve made my own Pakistani version of Victoria sponge cake. It’s like a normal Victoria sponge cake, with added spice, fresh garlic and garam masala.

& Mr. Khan: Blooming hell, Dave. What’s with all the questions? Who are you? Ginger Luther?

& Shazia: Everyone, this is my husband, Amjad. He’s a policeman.
    Mr. Khan: I’m POLICED to meet you too!

& Mrs. Khan: ...And you can make that happen, can’t you?
    Mr. Khan: Can I? I mean, may I?.. It would be my pleasure!

& Mrs. Khan: You said you would do anything for me.
    Mr. Khan: I was thinking chocolates. Or flowers. Chocolate, mainly.

---

& Mr. Khan: I think it was him. Brown. Big beard. They all look the same! Like a lot of blooming sheep. Meh! Meh!

& Mr. Khan: Brilliant! That’s it! Let’s go and tell a room full of women that they can’t have what they want. They’ll understand, won’t they?

& Policeman @ Stadium: I’m looking for a Mr Khan. Mr Khan?
    Sadiq Khan: Yes, that’s me. Citizen Khan at your service.
    Policeman: You need to leave, sir. Come on.
    Sadiq Khan: But, hang on, I’m the Mayor of London.
    Policeman: Yeah, yeah, and I’m the Archbishop of Canterbury.

& Mr. Khan: Hold on! Let’s take a selfie! I’m community leader too. Khan — K, H for hat, A for Asian, N for knowledge. Ha-ha!

& Amjad: The call’s gone out for a Pakistani man with a beard and a funny accent...
    Mr. Khan: This is Birmingham. I’ll be fine.

& Mr. Khan: I’m sorry... Say something.
    Mrs. Khan: Idiot.
    Mr. Khan: Something else?

& Mr. Khan: You’re sorry? What for? Is this a trap? A dream? A hidden camera TV show. Hello! Is anyone there?

--
On the IMDb

Mr Khan's Christmas Wonderland

Citizen Khan 4×7

& Mr. Khan: Little girls, little boys, it’s the same thing, isn’t it? ... Oh! Dirty!

& Mr. Khan: Christmas has come early for me, this year. Look at this, best present ever!
Alia: «Who got all the cheese?» I thought you didn’t like cheese?

& Mr. Khan: So, according to chapter one, the first thing you need to do in business is find a gap in the market. And I’ve got mine... Christmas for Muslims!

& Mr. Khan:
        ♪ A merry, merry Christmas ♪
        ♪ A happy, happy Christmas ♪
        ♪ Muslim’s spending their money ♪
        ♪ all the time... ♪

& Mr. Khan: Hello, Amjad.
    Amjad: You do know Naani’s on a donkey?

---

& Dave: Mr Khan! Salaam aleikum and Merry Christmas!
    Mr. Khan: Hello, Dave.

& Riaz: I wanted to be the reindeer...
    Mr. Khan: It doesn’t matter who plays what. It’s a team effort. There’s no «I» in team and there’s no «I» in Frozen Snowman Extravaganza, either, is there?!
    Riaz: Wait...

& Mr. Khan: Oh, hello sweetie, merry Christmas!
    Mrs. Khan: Don’t you «merry Christmas, sweetie» me! Where are you?

& Mr. Khan: It’s just another Christmas story, involving a sack, some chocolate and a fat man with a beard flying through the air. But like all Christmas stories, all’s well that ends well.

& Mr. Khan: It’s not important, Shazia, it’s just a car... with an engine and four wheels and... 30 years of beautiful memories!

& Mr. Khan: Oh, twadi!

--
On the IMDb

Alia's Boyfriend

Citizen Khan 4×6

& Mr. Khan: Look, Amjad, talk to the hand, the beard ain’t listening. Nobody cares what your mother likes.

& Mrs. Khan: Her name is Alia... That’s with an A, as in «Apple of our eyes»... and Khan. That’s with a K.
    Mr. Khan: As in, «Keep your filthy hands off my daughter!»

& Alia: I’m not going out with some greasy-haired dork with glasses who works in IT!
    Mrs. Khan: They’re not all like that. Look, this one works in data management...

& Mrs. Khan: Does he have a name, this sweet... smelling... biker... with body art?!

& Mr. Khan: Amjad, fancy a pint?

---

& Mr. Khan: She’s definitely pregnant. With the first one!
    Mrs. Khan: What?!
    Mr. Khan: Well, let’s just say, by the time she’s finished it’ll be like the United Colours of Benetton around here.

& Mrs. Khan: What’s he doing here?!
    Scabby: Mr Khan invited me.
    Mrs. Khan: ?!?!?!
    Mr. Khan: You know what it’s like when you go to the pub, sweetie!.. Have a couple of Fantas and a Cherryade chaser, you’re making friends with all kinds of people!

& Alia: How do you know he’s my boyfriend?
    Mr. Khan: We’re your parents, Alia. We instinctively know these things.

& Mr. Khan: In your face!
    Mrs Malik: It’s my grandchild, too!
    Mr. Khan: Oh, yes. Sorry. I mean, congratulations!


--
On the IMDb

Mystic Mo

Citizen Khan 4×5

& Mr. Khan: Morning everyone, and welcome to the Mr Khan Community Leader Cricket Stadium in Pakistan’s fourth largest city... Birmingham!

& Mr. Khan: Oh, my God. You knew? You knew it was going to be your daddy! Mohammad, you’re psychic! You’re Mystic Mo!

& Mrs. Khan: Shazia, you can’t move to Bradford! You love living here, don’t you? In your little house, next to your mummy! Your mummy who gave birth to you and raised you and slaved for 20 years to raise you, sacrificing every dream she had so you could be happy!
    Mr. Khan: Shazia, we don’t want you to move into a brand-new executive home in the Yorkshire Dales. You’d be far better off living in a cheap, rented house in Sparkhill, next to your parents.

& Shazia: We have to think about the future, don’t we, budhoo?
    Amjad: Yes.
    Mrs. Khan: And what do you think, beta?.. Of the future?..
    Amjad: Oh... Well, I think we might all travel around with jet packs... and have robots as our masters.

---

& Nurse: I’ll go and get a doctor.
    Mr. Khan: Make it a Pakistani one!
    Shazia: Dad!
    Mr. Khan: OK, doesn’t have to be Pakistani. Just not Indian, huh? Or Polish, or Romanian, or Ethiopian, or...

& Nurse: What are you doing?
    Mr. Khan: I’m just getting a second opinion.
    Nurse: From who?
    Mr. Khan: My colleague. Dr G... Oogle.

& Mrs. Khan: How’s it going with Doctor Kareem?
    Alia: So I’m like, «SOMY, smiley face,» and he’s like «No way! CUIMD,» so I go, «NIICUF,» and he’s all, «FBM hashtag Freddy Krueger!»
    Mrs. Khan: ????
    Shazia: It means he likes her.

& Mr. Khan: After all, if Bradford won’t come to Mohammad, then Mohammad must go to Bradford.

--
On the IMDb

Chicken Shop

Citizen Khan 4×4

& Mr. Khan: I’m not sure cruising is legal in Sparkhill any more, sweetie.

& Mrs. Khan: This map’s no good... It’s from 1974. Everything’s changed since then.
    Mr. Khan: No, it hasn’t. Just a few more mosques, that’s all.

& Mr. Khan: Look, Shazia, it’s women-only tango. I’m not letting some argie-bargie, greasy, gaucho get his filthy hands on her!

& Mr. Khan: French restaurant? No, thank you! We’ve got plenty of French food at home... Or, as we Muslims like to call it, ALLAH carte!

& Mr. Khan: If I can make this work, I’ll be hanging out with Sir Richard Branstons, nibbling his cheese and sipping on his Shloer.
    Amjad: What if we can’t make it work?
    Mr. Khan: Then Mrs Khan is going to be doing the paso doble on my cha-cha-chas.

---

& Mr. Khan: I’m Mr Khan, community leader. And all round woman-lover!.. I mean, I’m a big fan of working girls... Women’s business. Businesswomen!

& Mr Williams Sandra: So you know how to fry?
    Mr. Khan: Oh, yes. We Muslims have got a special religious day for it.
    Sandra: What’s that called?
    Mr. Khan: Fry-day prayers.

& Mr. Khan: Now, you heard the lady, Mr Khan’s Chicken Shop is open for business!

& Mr. Khan: I’m going to have to go in the back room and schmooze her. That’s how business works.

& Mr. Khan: Now, come on, don’t be chicken. Get in there and show her that we’re Team Khan and not Team Can’t!

& Mr. Khan: Forgive and forget, that’s the important thing, he na?

--
On the IMDb

Local Hero

Citizen Khan 4×3

& Alia: What’s going on?
    Mr. Khan: I’m entering Birmingham Pride.
    Alia: What?? Birmingham Pride? Like Birmingham Pride Pride? Actual Pride?

& Mr. Khan: Well, they must have done it at least once or where did baby Mohammad come from?

& Shazia: That was one of your jobs. I can’t do everything, can I, budhoo?
    Amjad: And I can’t do anything, can I, ladoo?

& Mr. Khan: Why don’t you try experimenting a bit?
    Shazia: What?
    Mr. Khan: You know, mix it up a little. Me and your mother do it all the time!
    Shazia: What?!
    Mr. Khan: Oh, yes! Last night, I washed and she dried!

& Mr. Khan: Sweetie! She might turn out like that famous Pakistani Muslim woman that Alia was telling me about. What was her name, beti?..
    Alia: Kim Kardashian.
    Mrs. Khan: She’s not Pakistani!!
    Mr. Khan: Yes, she is! Alia said so. She’s brown and she’s married to a Khan.
    Mrs. Khan: Kanye!
    Mr. Khan: Khan, yeah!

---

& Mr. Khan: Sweetie, the only tang tang conversation between a man and his son-in-law is the one that I had with your father! And if he had his way, we’d have no children and I’d be carrying my down-belows in a jar of mango pickle!

& Mr. Khan: OK, fine. I’m coming out.

& Alia: Listen! I have done my nails and everything. You know, I’m a Muslim, hijab, flavour of the month, innit?

& Mr. Khan: I want to talk to you about... cricket! Yes, cricket. Now, cricket is a bit like a marriage. You get together and you form a partnership. And at first you’re... sneaking plenty of... quick ones. Maybe even twos. And then you get a new delivery that you weren’t expecting and suddenly you stop scoring and you get very frustrated. But then you get your timing back, you remember where all the gaps are, and before you know it, you’re spraying balls all over the place!
    Amjad: Are you talking about tang-tang?

& Mr. Khan: Look, Amjad, if you could pull off the arrest of a dangerous, determined but rather dashing local desperado, do you think that would help you become a proper policeman?

--
On the IMDb

Family Photo

Citizen Khan 4×2

& Mr. Khan: Are you laying another log?
    Alia: I’m posting a vlog.
    Mr. Khan: Exactly.
    Alia: It’s about being a good Muslim and going to the mosque and respecting your parents, especially your father.
    Mr. Khan: Such a good girl.

& Shazia: It’s the best school in Birmingham.
    Mr. Khan: Excellent. They’ve got a very good cricket team. He’ll end up playing for England!
    Shazia: I thought you wanted him to play for Pakistan.
    Mr. Khan: Beti! The England team will all BE Pakistani by then.

---

& Shazia: We can’t afford to move to Edgbaston.
    Mr. Khan: Then lie. Cheat. Steal someone else’s place. This is what responsible parents do.

& Mr. Khan: It’s for our wives, Amjad. We married men have to support our wives in all their hopes and aspirations. If not...
    Amjad: They’ll feel emotionally unfulfilled?
    Mr. Khan: They’ll be like a foghorn in your ear till the day you die.

--
On the IMDb

Σ It’s a pity, actually. Without original Shazia it’s just not complete. At least Mrs. Khan is present.

Farley Manor

Citizen Khan 4×1

& Mr. Khan: I’ll tell you about India. It’s a dump! There, that’s all you need to know.

& Shazia: Dad!.. You promised Mum you’d look after Naani.
    Mr. Khan: Shazia, I’ve promised your mother many things over the years, I can’t remember all of them!

& Mr. Khan: Eldest daughter. Just ignore her, that’s what I do.

& Mr. Khan: Sorry about all this, Lady Virgin.

& Mr. Khan: Mr Khan, community leader, your Lordfulness.

---

& Lord Anstruther: How do you like the house?
    Mr. Khan: Oh, it’s very nice. I particularly enjoyed the Pakistani room. Eh?
    Lord Anstruther: Oh, you mean the India Collection.
    Mr. Khan: You say potato, I say aloo gobi!

& Lord Anstruther: I’ll add your name to the guest list.
    Mr. Khan: Oh, excellent! K, H for hat, A for Asian, N for knowledge.
    Lord Anstruther: Jolly good.

& Mr. Khan: What do you say to his Lordfulshipness?

& Mr. Khan: I do like your Scottish man dress.
    Lord Anstruther: Yes, well, my family were originally Scottish.
    Mr. Khan: Then, we have a lot in common. Well, I’m an immigrant, too!
    Lord Anstruther: Oh, quite.

& Mr. Khan: Let me explain. There was a little bit of a hullabaloo... But now it’s all tickety-boo...

& Mr. Khan: Oh, twaddi, oh, twaddi, oh, twaddi!

--
On the IMDb

A Khan Family Christmas

Citizen Khan 3×7

& Mr. Khan: We do what most Christians do.
    Reverend Green: What’s that?
    Mr. Khan: Don’t go to church!.. So I officially declare Christmas open.

& Alia: Papaji, can I have some money?.. There’s a Christmas party. At my mosque study group. The tickets are £25.

& Mr. Khan: Amjad, real men don’t need manuals. We instinctively know how electrical things work.

& Mr. Khan: Who are you?
    Gabriel: I’m Gabe.
    Mr. Khan: What?!
    Gabriel: Gabe. Short for Gabriel. Good news. Shazia’s having a baby!

---

& Mr. Khan: All right? Who are you?
    Shepherd: Jack Shepherd. Shepherd and Son? We got a delivery for next door. Will you take it?
    Mr. Khan: What is it?
    Shepherd: A birthing pool.

& Mr. Khan: So, we’ll take your car. No need to use my petrol.

& Keith: Everything all right?
    Mr. Khan: Yes!
    Keith: You look a bit stressed...
    Mr. Khan: What do you expect? I’m ten centimetres dilated!

& Dave: Follow that star!

& Mr. Khan: Aw, look at him! Born on Christmas Day. There’s really only one name we can give this special little man, isn’t there?
    Mrs. Khan: Haan.
    Mr. Khan: Happy Birthday, baby Mohammed!

--
On the IMDb

The Wedding

Citizen Khan 3×6

& Keith: I know it’s supposed to be a fusion wedding — a mix of the English and Pakistani traditions.
    Mr. Khan: Pakistani tradition is to make sure it’s bloomin’ cheap! The proudest moment in any Pakistani man’s life is seeing his daughter getting married for under £3.50 a head.

& Mr. Khan: Come on, sweeties, let’s not argue on such a special day. It doesn’t matter about the style of your outfits. All that matters is, how much did they cost?

& Shazia: Sure you don’t mind it’s a smaller wedding than maybe you and Mum wanted?..
    Mr. Khan: It’s not a smaller wedding than I wanted, sweetie. No wedding could be smaller than I wanted.

---

& Mrs. Khan: Fine. Go. Go to our daughter’s tiny wedding, in the small function room, with the limited guest list and only one chicken leg and half a samosa per person!
    Mr. Khan: You make that sound like a bad thing.

& Mr. Khan: Well, Shazia’s wedding is a one-off special offer, today only, take it or leave it, never, ever to be repeated... God willing.

& Mr. Khan: This is the happiest day of my life!

--
On the IMDb

Stags and Hens

Citizen Khan 3×5

& Mr. Khan: Shazia, every marriage has its own kind of romance. For some people it’s music and sunsets, and for others, it’s nail clippings and cleaning your husband’s lugholes.
    Alia: That’s really sweet, Papaji.

& Alia: Papaji, there’s a 24-hour prayerathon at the mosque. Will you sponsor me?

& Mrs. Khan: I’m taking Shazia on a hen night, so I think it’s only right that you should give Amjad a stag do.
    Mr. Khan: Stag do? Have you seen The Hangover, sweetie? We’re Muslims! Let me tell you, in the Muslim version of The Hangover there’s no drinking, no forgetting, everyone home by 8.30.

---

& Nail Lady: Me and my husband, we were blissfully happy for 20 years... Then we met!
    Naani: I never knew what happiness was until I was married... Then it was too late.

& Amjad: I’m not having a very nice time, sir.

--
On the IMDb

Farmer Khan

Citizen Khan 3×4

& Shazia: It’s for a good cause, Dad. Organic is how food is meant to be. It’s natural.
    Mr. Khan: There’s nothing natural about charging £4 for an apple, Shazia. Free. That’s how food is naturally. If they wanted it to be really natural, they’d give it away for nothing.

& Mr. Khan: Me, Mr Khan. K, H for hat, A for Asian, N for knowledge.

& Marina: Are you one of the Scottish Khans?
    Mr. Khan: No! Of course not. Don’t worry, there’s no dodgy foreigners around here. I’m as English as apple pie. And chicken tikka masala.

& Marina: Well, I’m Marina. Fairchild.
    Mr. Khan: I was dark child... I have two dark children.

& Marina: Mr. Khan. You can deliver Daisy’s baby.

---

& Mr. Khan: But I don’t even know the woman!
    Marina: Daisy’s a cow.
    Mr. Khan: Well, I’m not doing that either.
    Marina: But you said you knew all about animals.
    Mr. Khan: Is the cow halal?

& Marina: We need your help!
    Mr. Khan: I’m sorry, Your Horsiness, but I’m not sticking my hand up a cow’s nonny-nonny for anybody!

& Mrs. Khan: Now I’ll be stuck on shelf stacking duty for ever!
    Mr. Khan: Right, sweetie. I need you to do something for me.
    Mrs. Khan: What?
    Mr. Khan: Take your clothes off.
    Mrs. Khan: .....What?!
    Mr. Khan: I’m going to show you how much I love you.
    Mrs. Khan: Now?!
    Mr. Khan: Not all of them, just your apron.

& Mrs. Khan: Brian was thrilled with all the publicity. He said he might consider me for a junior trainee assistant manager job. Next year.

--
On the IMDb

Auntie Noor

Citizen Khan 3×3

& Keith: Salman I like him, Mr Khan.

& Mr. Khan: You know, now Alia is training to be an imam, maybe we could do the conversion for you. Why don’t we start with snippy-snippy?

& Mr. Khan: Hello, sweetie!
    Auntie Noor: Oh, well! Hello, sweetie yourself!

& Mr. Khan: Alia, sweetie, you can’t be a model. What about your exams?
    Alia: Don’t need exams to be rich and famous.
    Auntie Noor: Quite right. People like us don’t need boring exams and jobs. After all, we have Kim Kardashian.
    Alia: She’s amazing.
    Auntie Noor: She IS amazing.
    Mr. Khan: Who are they talking about?
    Shazia: A stupid woman with a big bum.

& Shazia: Are you going to say something?
    Mr. Khan: She chupped me!

---

& Mr. Khan: I’m going to kill HER... Now listen here, Ellie Big Mac-pherson...

& Alia: Is New York anywhere near LA? Maybe I’ll be a film star, too.

& Mr. Khan: God, this is Mr Khan speaking. Community leader. They all know me. Obviously, you know me. Now look, mate, if you get me out of this, I promise I’ll never abuse my wife’s staff discount card again. And... I’ll go on a pilgrimage to Mecca. If all the cheap flights haven’t gone. And my credit card doesn’t get declined.

& Auntie Noor: Well, that was a waste of time. That man’s not rich. I looked in his wallet. There’s more plastic in my buttocks.

& Mrs. Khan: How could you abuse my trust like this?
    Mr. Khan: It hasn’t been easy...

& Alia: I don’t want to work in a stupid supermarket! I want to be a supermodel in New York!

& Mr. Khan: All right, sweetie?
    Mrs. Khan: Don’t you «all right, sweetie» me!

& Mr. Khan: You know, my darling, sometimes dreams come true. Mine did.
    Mrs. Khan: What? You mean the one where you’re Superman and you’re flying around the Bullring? In your underpants?
    Mr. Khan: No, not that one.

& Mrs. Khan: Well done, beti. You made the right choice. I know stacking shelves may not be very glamorous, but you will learn more from that than any fancy-pancy modelling jobs.
    Alia: Yeah. I won’t be stacking shelves, though...
    Mrs. Khan: What?
    Brian: Alia’s got the perfect look to be the face of our new range of fashion hijabs.
    Mr. Khan: Allah hu Akbar! I told you she was a model Muslim daughter!

--
On the IMDb

The In-Laws

Citizen Khan 3×2

& Shazia: What are you wearing?
    Mr. Khan: Smoking jacket. Good, eh?
    Shazia: The trousers are a bit tight.
    Mrs. Khan: Told you not to buy them on eBay.
    Mr. Khan: They were ten seconds to go. I had to put a bid in. Sophisticated, isn’t it?

& Mr. Khan: ...and then we ring gong for dinner...
    Amjad: The what?
    Mr. Khan: Gonnnnnnggg...! Dinner is served.
    Amjad: Actually, it’s «bong» not «gong».
    Mr. Khan: All right, Miss Camilla Parker Know-It-Alls! I think I know more about etiquette than you do.

& Mr. Khan: ...And then, after dinner, we can play charades.
    Shazia: Why are we doing that?
    Amjad: It’s Dad’s favourite game. He practises at home all the time.
    Shazia: How?
    Amjad: Mum never lets him say anything.

---

& Mr. Khan: Blimey, are we expecting someone with three sets of arms?
    Mrs. Khan: Starter, soup spoon, main course, dessert.
    Mr. Khan: And if you forget how to use your knife and fork, just remember you’re Pakistani, and eat with your fingers!

& Mrs. Khan: What are you doing?
    Mr. Khan: You want everything to be perfect. This is how they do it on the Downton Abbey. Knife and fork must be exactly... 12 inches apart.
    Mrs. Khan: Are you sure?
    Mr. Khan: Of course! If you haven’t got your 12 inches, you can’t be laid properly.
    Mrs. Khan: I wish someone had told me that before...

& Mr. Khan: Isn’t this fun, eh, smashing plates? All very Greek, isn’t it? A right Mrs Khanopolopolis, isn’t she?

& Shazia: We don’t want some great big Pakistani wedding.
    Mrs. Khan: No, beti. Just a small do, only 300 people.

& Mr. Khan: Salaam aleikum, officer. Mr Khan, community leader — K, H for Hat, A for Asian, N for Knowledge — they all know me.

--
On the IMDb