Whenever You're Ready

The Good Place 4×13

Final Chapter

Janet: Would you like a magic guitar that plays all the notes for you? It's the number one request among men over 50 who have gotten in here.

Chidi: So ultimately, this all goes back to a line from Professor May's book: "Mortality offers meaning to our lives, and morality helps navigate that meaning."
Professor May: Wait, what I think it says is that mortality offers meaning to the events of our lives. ....
Chidi: Yes, Professor May, you're probably right about what you wrote.

Vicky: Sorry, but these younger demon actors have no dedication to their craft. They think they can just start acting. They have to learn that acting is reacting, and reacting is pre-acting, but pre-acting, well, that's just being.
The Judge: Okay, take it down a notch, Daniel Day-Lewis.

Jason: I have an announcement to make... I'm leaving. Going through the door.

Chidi: How did you know?
Jason: It wasn't like I heard a bell ring or anything. I just suddenly had this calm feeling, like the air inside my lungs was the same as the air outside my body. It was peaceful. You know the feeling when you think a jalapeño popper is gonna be too hot, but you bite into it anyway and it's actually the perfect temperature?

Pillboi: Jason is the realest dude ever. I mean, none of us are real anymore. We're all just Caspers the Ghost and whatnot, which is funny 'cause me and Jason ain't even white. Why are all ghosts white? Aw, dip. Are ghosts racist?

Jason: I hope you have a nice rest of eternity.

Janet: I don't experience time the same way you do. I kind of live all times at once. ... To me, remembering moments with you is the same as living in them.

Tahani: Well, this may not come as a surprise to any of you, but... I'm ready to go.

Eleanor: "Working out the terms of moral justification is an unending task." Boom! I did it! It only took me 2,000 Bearimies, but I finally finished that book. Ha-ha, sucker!

Eleanor: What are you reading?
Chidi: "The Da Vinci Code."
Eleanor: Really?
Chidi: Yeah, after a thousand lifetimes of reading the most difficult writings in the world, I've acquired a new passion... Garbage books.

Chidi: Shakespeare went through the door.
Eleanor: Really?
Chidi: Yeah. Everyone's talking about it.
Eleanor: It's probably for the best. His last 4,000 plays were not nearly as good as the ones he wrote on Earth. I mean, did you see "The Tempest 2: Here We Blow Again?" Woof!

Eleanor: I'm kind of a philosophy gal. Where were the big brains hanging out?
Chidi: Socrates, Aristotle, Plato, Diogenes, they all gathered right here in the agora! It was like the Avengers, but for super thinkers.

Chidi: Eleanor, I know what you're doing.
Eleanor: Being the best eternal girlfriend ever? Guilty.

Chidi: So, Eleanor, here it is... I love you, completely and utterly.
Eleanor: Oh, crap.
Chidi: But I have to go.
Eleanor: But you don't though. You don't have to go. You don't have to leave me.
Chidi: I don't want to leave you. I'm just... ready to leave. I have the same feeling that the others described, a kind of quietude in my soul.

---

Chidi: Let's see what's on the menu... Literally anything you could possibly imagine.

Eleanor: This is sad, man. You got a John Locke quote or piece of Kantian wisdom you can throw at me?
Chidi: Those guys were more focused on rules and regulations. For spiritual stuff, you gotta turn to the East...
Eleanor: I'll take anything you got. Hit me.
Chidi: Picture a wave... in the ocean. You can see it, measure it, its height, the way the sunlight refracts when it passes through, and it's there, and you can see it, you know what it is. It's a wave. And then it crashes on the shore, and it's gone. But the water is still there. The wave was just a... a different way for the water to be for a little while... That's one conception of death for a Buddhist. The wave returns to the ocean, where it came from, and where it's supposed to be.

Judge: Relax, worrywart. Take a load off. Huh? Enjoy yourself. You know what I just discovered recently? Podcasts. There's, like, a billion of them and they just keep coming.

Janet: You can sit on that bench as long as you want. Whenever you're ready, you just walk through.

Eleanor: Michael, what are you doing?
Michael: I am returning my damn essence to the damn fabric of the damn universe.

Michael: That's what makes it special. I won't exactly know what's going to happen after I die. Nothing more human than that... Besides texting people that you're five minutes away when you haven't even left the house.

Janet: If you rent a car, don't pay for the insurance! It's a scam.

Janet: I wonder how Michael's doing...
Eleanor: I assume he's doing the same as every human... Some good days. Some bad days... He's got a few friends. A few people he can't stand... He's learning some things all by himself. And hopefully learning to ask for help when he needs it... He's messing up, and trying again, and messing up again, and then getting things wrong, and then trying to make them right. That's what everyone does.

Janet: What do you think happens when people walk through the door? It's the only thing in the universe I don't know.
Eleanor: I don't know either. The wave returns to the ocean. What the ocean does with the water after that is anyone's guess. But as a very wise not-robot once told me... true joy is in the mystery.

Janet: Do you mind if I stay here until you're gone?
Eleanor: Only if you say that thing I taught you...
Janet: I hate to see you walk through the final door at the edge of existence, but I love to watch you leave.
Eleanor: There we go.

Michael: Thank you so very, very much.
Ken: Yeah, no problem. Take it easy.
Michael: I'll do you one better. I'll say this to you, my friend, with all the love in my heart and all the wisdom of the universe... Take it sleazy.

--
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Patty

The Good Place 4×12

Chapter 51

Tahani: I feel just like Dorothy when she lands in Oz... Excited, incredulous, much taller than everyone else around me.

Eleanor: Whoa. It's like I'm inside the Internet.

Tahani: Oh, my goodness, that chime is so soothing, it feels like my brain is being massaged—
Chidi: By a baby deer?

Janet: Sorry, Chidi, Aristotle's in the Bad Place. He defended slavery.
Chidi: Socrates?
Janet: No, too annoying. Very loud chewer.
Chidi: Plato!
Janet: Slavery again. Oh, you know who is here? Hypatia of Alexandria. Do you know her?

Chidi: Ooh, Hypatia! I'm gonna ask her so many questions pertaining to the grand ideas about the universe, like: "Why?" Oh, oh, and also... "How?"

Eleanor: Holy fork, that is a soothing chime!

Chidi: Also is it Hy-PAY-shuh, or Hy-PAT-ee-uh? Or in the Ancient Greek, "who-PUH-tee-uh?" There's a lot of fun debate about this.
Hypatia of Alexandria: You know what, just call me Patty.

Patty: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Are you... what's it called, um... a think-book-man? No, um... a think-read-book-man.
Chidi: A philosopher, yes.

Patty: Listen carefully before I forget how to say this: you gotta help us, we are so screwed.
Chidi: We are?

Tahani: How did you die?
Paltibaal: I got a cut on my hand. The year was 2491 BC, so that's pretty much all it took. You got a cut, or you drank water that wasn't hot enough, and then boom, dead. I would've killed for a vaccine. Any vaccine. It's crazy that you guys just don't like them now.

Tahani: So what's your favorite part about living here?
Paltibaal: I mean, it's perfect. We're all having orgasms literally all the time. I died a virgin, so that's real crazy.

Eleanor: Wow, this milkshake is incredible!
Patty: Right? This is how I spend most of my time. Sitting in beautiful places, drinking my milkshake, slowly peeing into my pants, which instantly evaporates and leaves no trace.
Chidi: Sounds fun.

---

Patty: This is the exact problem! On paper, this is paradise. All your desires and needs are met, but it's infinite, and when perfection goes on forever, you become this glassy-eyed mush person.

Eleanor: So we finally make it into the Good Place, and now we're just gonna become zombies?

Patty: Okay, that's it in a nutshell. 'Cause you get here and you realize that anything's possible, and you do everything, and then you're done. But you still have infinity left. This place kills fun, and passion, and excitement, and love... till all you have left are milkshakes.

Eleanor: I'm not giving up. We worked too hard and went through too much. And I'm not just gonna sit back and turn into some slack-jawed sweatpant-wearing orgasm machine— Oh, my God, I'm describing my dream existence like it's bad! What is wrong with this place?!

Tahani: It's Coachella. We've invented Cosmic Coachella! Oh, we have to fix this.

Eleanor: Remember what I said to you when you were going through your "midlife crisis, one earring, red convertible" phase?
Michael: "You look so stupid."
Eleanor: After that.
Michael: You said that every human is a little bit sad all the time, because you know you're gonna die. But that knowledge is what gives life meaning.

Michael: Let's change the afterlife, and then Taco Bell!

Eleanor: Vacations are only special because they end.

Chidi: We're gonna set up a new kind of door. Um, somewhere peaceful, so that when you feel happy and satisfied and complete, and you want to leave the Good Place for good, you can just walk through it, and your time in the universe will end.
Tahani: You don't have to go through it if you don't want to, but you can, and hopefully, knowing that you don't have to be here forever will help you feel happier while you are.
Paltibaal: What will happen when we go through it?
Janet: Well, we don't really know, exactly. All we know is, it will be peaceful, and your journey will be over.

Patty: That's not what saved you. It was your friendships. Oh. Sorry. Still not sharp.

Tahani: Well, I'll see you all tomorrow. And every tomorrow after that.

Chidi: This is what we've been looking for since the day we met. Time. I think that's what the Good Place really is. It's... not even a place, really, it's just... having enough time with the people you love.

--
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Mondays, Am I Right?

The Good Place 4×11

Chapter 50

Chidi: ...and the three of us have a very important job.
Eleanor: To find out which former U.S. presidents were secretly gay!
Chidi: No.
Eleanor: Okay, fine, bi.
Chidi: Sure, but also...

Jason: ... Also, .... Pikachu, Karate Kid, Wendy from Wendy's, Grumpy Cat, and the GPS lady that tells you where to drive.

Eleanor: Oh, man. I never thought about the fact that we could look up our own files...

Eleanor: I love you, okay?!
Chidi: Oh. The words are nice, but the tone is scary.

Chidi: I don't need to read your file. I know you, and I love you. And I can't wait to spend eternity with you.

Eleanor: I can't risk it. What if we spend half of eternity together and then you find out something that does change the way you feel about me and then you resent me for wasting half your eternity?

---

Megan: Okay, so, like, her parents were the chain saw bear, but instead of chopping off her head, they chopped off her self-esteem?
Vicky: Yes, Megan. Good. Take what you know about them and then force them into moments of personal difficulty. Think of it as flattening the penises of their heart.
Megan: Oh. Now it makes sense.

Janet: I've never said this before, but... what?

Michael: Pushing the rock up the hill gave me a purpose. Who am I... if the rock's gone?
Tahani: Ironically, that's exactly what Vin Diesel asked me when Dwayne Johnson refused to appear in "The Fast and the Furious 9..." Not helpful? Copy that.

Janet: Honestly... Michael, I don't know what's to become of you... or any of us. ... focus on that and deal with the future in the future.

Vicky: I'm not gonna let myself be degraded by you again. I am a strong, independent acid snake in the skin suit of a strong, independent woman.

Michael: No. It's you guys. The Judge agreed that the four of you don't need to take the test. Turns out that saving every soul in the universe is worth a few points. You're in.

Jason: Foles!

--
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You've Changed, Man

The Good Place 4×10

Chapter 49

Judge: Look, I'm the freaking Judge, and I made a freaking ruling, and it's gonna freaking happen, soon as I find the freaking clicker thing.

Judge: Any last words?
Janet: These are my last words. End of words.

Eleanor: You seem oddly sure, which is unlike you, but... it's kind of doing it for me...
Chidi: Well, when you have a thousand different versions of yourself over multiple timelines fused and instantly placed into your consciousness, it gives you a real sense of clarity.

Chidi: Okay, let's save humanity, shall we?

Chidi: If we going out, I'm going out with a belly full of warm pretzels. Yummy, yum, yum. Yummy!

Chidi: So, in this essay, "Putting Cruelty First," Judith Shklar contends that we should consider cruelty as society's primary flaw...

Chidi: This is the problem with the current system. Live anything less than the most exemplary life, and you are brutally tortured forever with no recourse. The cruelty of the punishment does not match the cruelty of the life that one has lived.

Jason: This is a classic trolley problem. One of your boys sets off a stink bomb on the trolley, causing a commotion so the rest of the group can pickpocket people as they run off the train.
Chidi: That's very wrong, but... in a roundabout way, you kind of got where you needed to be.

---

Shawn: How about this? Everyone who dies go to the Bad Place... and I get to torture all of you.
Nina: Sounds good to us!
Eleanor: No, dummies. That's already how it works, except we're also tortured.
Shawn: Look, I put forward a proposal. Are you not even going to negotiate?
Chuck: He's got a point. The fair thing for us to do is just keep on giving up more and more stuff we want unilaterally until this demon's finally happy.

Michael: Fork this!

Judge: You made me an Olyphant?!

Janet: When I started in Michael's first Neighborhood, I was nothing more than a PalmPilot in a cool vest. But look at me now...

Janet: Getting rebooted over and over made me a better not-a-person than I've ever been. Humans should get the same opportunity.

Shawn: Okay, fine. Gonna make me admit it. Fighting you is the most fun I've ever had.

Shawn: I mean, you know. You corkscrew your first eyeball, and you're like, man, I can't believe they're paying me to do this. By the trillionth, it's like... I should've just been a teacher.

Judge: Are you kidding me?! Can't a gal just end all of humanity one time without everyone getting all up on her junk? What is it, man?!

Judge: Okay, well, assuming we are redesigning the entire afterlife according to this plan... what do we do first?....
Chidi: Oh, don't look at me. I'm... I'm just the idea guy.

--
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The Answer

The Good Place 4×9

Chapter 48

Michael: It's not that easy. He lived a whole life and then 802 afterlives, and a second life, then a second afterlife, and then a third "first" afterlife. His psyche is like a giant bowl of M&M Peep chili. I gotta make sure all the memories go in the right place in the right order.

Chidi: ...more importantly, I proved once and for all that you can always find the answer.
Uzo: The answer to what?
Chidi: To anything. Every problem has an answer. If you just read enough books and think hard enough, you can figure out the answer to any question.
Uzo: I know you're really smart, but that sounds wrong.

Chidi: It's the reason I got into philosophy. The biggest questions and the biggest answers, you just gotta find them.

Michael: Janet knows the answers to all the questions in the universe. Ask her anything.
Chidi: I mean, which answer do I want? I mean, something profound, obviously. It shouldn't be trivial or salacious. Or maybe I should start small and maybe ramp up. Or... I can't... What's the biggest fish?

Jason: Chidi, here's the thing with stuff. You can look at a problem from every angle and drive yourself crazy, but sometimes, you just gotta huck a Molotov cocktail at a drone and see what happens.
Chidi: Is what happens that the drone blows up?
Jason: Usually. I mean, where I'm from, most things blow up eventually, so I learned that when something dope comes along, you gotta lock it down.

Jason: If you're always frozen in fear and taking too long to think about what to do, you'll miss your opportunity and maybe get sucked into the propeller of a swamp boat.

---

Chidi: I can't just open a door and walk through without knowing what's on the other side. Even with eternity to try, I just don't think that can happen.
Janet: Well, I never thought I'd ever be able to get married. I thought I was too old. I'm infinity, but strange things happen in the afterlife.

Tahani: The confidence comes from failure... You live through the failure and you learn from it.

Eleanor: Okay. I'll take those one at a time, I guess. Um, it was a kiss. I did it because I wanted to... And as far as who it was, it was me, weirdo.

Chidi: Can I ask you a question? Soul mates aren't... real, are they?
Michael: Chidi, in all honesty, I don't know, but I don't think so. ... If soul mates do exist, they're not found. They're made. People meet, they get a good feeling, and then they get to work building a relationship...

Chidi: I never knew they went to counseling...
Michael: Yeah, kids are idiots. If they knew half the stuff their folks were up to, they'd lose their minds.

Chidi: Turns out life isn't a puzzle that can just be solved one time and... and it's done. You wake up every day and you solve it again.
Michael: Terribly inefficient.

Michael: Hi there, Chidi. Welcome back.

Chidi: I think it might be some of the best writing I've ever done... There is NO "Answer"... But Eleanor IS the Answer.

--
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The Funeral to End All Funerals

The Good Place 4×8

Chapter 47

Eleanor: Tell us what happened. Did we win, did we lose?
Tahani: Is humanity saved forever?
Jason: And did you find my Nintendo? I can't find it any... whoop. Never mind. I'm holding it.

Eleanor: Hang on. I worked my ash off running this neighborhood for a full year...

Tahani: Hang on. This is how we take our minds off the Judge's ruling. Let's throw ourselves the funeral to end all funerals.

Eleanor: We are here to celebrate the afterlife of Tahani Al-Jamil, in the place she felt most comfortable... the cabin of a Gulfstream G650 private jet.

Tahani: Jason, at the risk of getting an answer that might thoroughly depress me, what made you choose this setting?

Janet: I could see something special inside him that no one else could see. It was a multi-colored blob of positivity right behind his sternum. That's my Jason, a big, colorful, rainbow blob stuffed inside a hot, life-size action figure.

Eleanor: I gotta say it was nice to have a true dirtbag buddy so I could talk about what really mattered in life. Wrestling, semi-legal drugs, and Jason Statham.
Jason: Statham forever!

Shawn: If humans can't be good with their needs magically met, maybe they're just not that good.

Michael: ...so that's six people. That's the number of friends in "Friends." Are you gonna sit there and say that every single Friend belongs in hell? I mean, maybe Ross and Rachel, and Monica and Joey, and definitely Chandler... but Phoebe?...

Shawn: If he gets to bring in random good people into it, I should be able to bring in random bad people. Call up Elizabeth Holmes. No, Henry Kissinger. No... PewDiePie.

Michael: This is it, Your Honor. This is the whole story. No one is beyond rehabilitation.

---

Eleanor: Chidi was a... rootin', tootin', rackin' frackin' varmint.

Eleanor: Canceling Earth... but doesn't seem a bit drastic?
The Judge: It's just too much of a mess down there, you know? I mean, the simplest solution is to erase everyone that ever lived and restart with a bunch of amoebas or whatever. Then human life will evolve again, or maybe even something better. Maybe this time they won't have baby teeth, you know? That whole thing is so weird, like they fall out and then the bigger teeth just grow out of that same hole. Gross.

The Judge: How are you guys surprised? I mean, what did you think was gonna happen if you won?
Michael: I don't know. I thought we could just give, like, give three points for eating an apple instead of two.

The Judge: Where did I put that human wiper outer thingy?...

Shawn: Wow, you won. And you still somehow failed. Classic.

The Judge: Michael, Shawn, Janet, see you in maybe a billion years. It has been one crazy ride, you guys.

Michael: Okay, so what's the plan? Plan, plan, plan. Step one, get a plan. Step two, do the plan. Yeah, yeah. This is working.

Eleanor: There is literally only one person here who is smart enough and thoughtful enough to save humanity. ... Designing a better afterlife is the ultimate ethical question.

Michael: You want to take the most indecisive man ever born, stuff him full of over 800 different versions of himself, and then tell him he has, like, 45 minutes to save humanity? You think that will go well?

--
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Help Is Other People

The Good Place 4×7

Chapter 46

Tahani: Speaking of which, the theme is "One Year Down, Infinity to Go." Dress is London black tie. That means Knightsbridge black tie, not Kensington or, heaven forbid, West Brompton. Can you imagine?

Eleanor: Janet, any chance you could get a look inside that obelisk? Check that magic scoreboard?
Janet: There is a chance, yes. About 1 in 970 trillion. Let's give her a whirl... It did not work.

Eleanor: You know? I would kill for an "oops, my bad." Who's a girl gotta fork to get an "oops, my bad"?

Chidi: Well, I swore I wouldn't tell, and keeping your word is a central tenet of deontological ethics.

Simone: I don't know. Maybe this isn't the Good Place. Maybe it's a test. My best guess, it's some kind of experiment. We're being observed in a closed environment.
Tahani: Simone, look at this logically. We are in paradise. There's fresh air, mountains, Janet. And yes, some of us are under 5'10"... but other than that, it is literally perfect here.

Eleanor: New plan: ... We do nothing. We hope that our early successes make up for the embarrassing mess we've become. Like Facebook or America.

Michael: Do you trust me?
Eleanor: Yeah. Fork it. Whatever it is, I'm in.
Jason: I'm always down for forking it.

---

Jason: In football, trying to run out the clock and hoping for the best never works. It's called "prevent defense." You don't take any chances and just try and hang on to your lead. But prevent defense just prevents you from winning. It's always better to try something.
Tahani: Jason, that was... coherent.
Jason: Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to.

Eleanor: ...Brent sucks. Brent is the opposite of a box of doughnuts.
Jason: Toilet full of broccoli.

Jason: Basically it's a Hail Mary. It's risky, but if we complete it, we win the game.
Tahani: That was two good analogies in a row. I'm now worried that he's a demon in a Jason suit.

Chidi: Well, if it is hell, I know why I'm here. Almond milk. I drank so much of it despite the negative environmental impacts.

Michael: What else can we try? We've already blown everything up. We can't blow it up again.
Jason: If there's one thing I know in this world, it's that you can always blow up the same thing twice.

Chidi: I have this stupid moral code that forces me to help everyone. But you have never helped anyone because you. Don't care. About other people. Which is the bare minimum that a person has to do, just care a little about the other people around you, and you can't do it.

Eleanor: Well, you know what they say. It's zero o'clock in the sky somewhere.

--
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A Chip Driver Mystery

The Good Place 4×6

Chapter 45

Bad Janet: Oh, hi, dipshirt.

Michael: Remember, that's the road map. First, we change the behavior. Then, we work on motivation.

Tahani: I've been through worse. Once, at Elon Musk's birthday party, I was seated between Silvio Berlusconi and Elon Musk.

Bad Janet: Can you just skip to the end?
Michael: No. I need to tell you the whole story.
Bad Janet: Why? Every story about humans ends the same way. Just tell me how they screwed up and put me out of my misery.

Michael: You're judging them too quickly.
Bad Janet: Trust me, I've spent a lot more time with people than you have. And I know literally everything that every one of them has ever done. Do you know what's happening right now on Earth? Wars, murders, women in $400 yoga pants are refusing to vaccinate their children. Vindictive nerds at Apple are changing the charging cable shape again...

Bad Janet: Where does this hope come from, man? This insane hope that people are worth the trouble. To quote a terrible song by a terrible musician that people love so much they constantly put it in terrible movie trailers: humans are b-b-b-b-bad to the bone.
Michael: Well, I think that they're g-g-g-good sometimes. And you should give them the b-b-b-benefit of the d-d-d-doubt.

John: Look, the neighborhood is obviously amazing, but it's also a little season four of "Downton Abbey." Beautifully designed, but a real snooze-fest.

---

John: Tahani helped me realize that gossip was an unhealthy way for me to boost my self-esteem. But on the other hand, this Jason tea needs to be spilled!
Chidi: Just try to remember what Emmanuel Kant said. It is your duty to keep your friend's secrets.
John: But my favorite philosopher, Bethenny Frankel, would say that I have a duty to mention it all, and if you can't handle the truth, then you can't handle me!

Tahani: Perhaps I can convince Simone to handle this the British way. Smile bravely, bury your feelings, and allow a steady drizzle to slowly wash away your sadness over 50 years.

Eleanor: F that!

Eleanor: He needs to change, and walking on eggshells around him ain't gonna do the trick. We need to throw the egg right at his face!

Bad Janet: Oh. Middle-aged American male fragility. You know why they're called baby boomers, right? Because the tiniest little pinprick to their ego, and boom. They become babies.

Michael: That was it. We were forked.

Michael: For months, you and I have been debating. Are people good or bad? But as I watched those three people pick themselves up and dust themselves off, I realized we've been asking the wrong question... What matters isn't if people are good or bad. What matters is if they're trying to be better today than they were yesterday.

Michael: I hope you'll read it...
Bad Janet: Great thinking. People that get books as gifts always read them. Bye!

--
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Employee of the Bearimy

The Good Place 4×5

Chapter 44

Janet: You don't get it. If you really want to know Michael's motivation, it's the same as the rest of my friends... loyalty, empathy, and love.
Vikki: Eww.
Janet: And that's why they will prevail.

Eleanor: You can keep the neighborhood running, right?
Derek: Well, I wasn't technically designed for this, but to be fair, I wasn't designed for anything.

Tahani: I'd like to be more useful. What is it that you Americans say? Uh, insert me, coachman!
Eleanor: Put me in, coach.

Michael: For me, it's scary that we're standing in the birth place of evil surrounded by billions of demons who want to destroy us.

Michael: If we get out of here alive, remind me to re-erase your teen years.

Chidi: Ooh! I love puzzles! They're so much fun, but they're also like homework. Win-win.
Tahani: Well, this one's a doozy because when you solve it, you get the answer to the truth about the universe. Spoiler alert, I guess.

Shawn: All right, idiots, this is our 52 of the 4,000-hour presentation on the future of torture...

---

Shawn: Humans are worse than ever. We have to innovate. Sure, poking sticks work great, but should those sticks be sharper or hotter? Should they, counterintuitively, be less hot? Let's begin with slide number one of 7,000...

Shawn: As you are all aware, our current system suffers from diminishing returns. Sure, the first time someone gets butthole spiders, he's miserable, but soon the humans get used to it. And worse, the spiders get bored.

Jason: This part of your plan seems risky.
Michael: This was not part of my plan.
Jason: Oh, thank God. I thought you had a bad plan.

Chidi: Okay! Am I close?
Eleanor: No, there's like 4,000 clues in here. You found five. I'm just gonna skip to the end.

Shawn: These personalized skin suits are a true game changer. Imagine being able to torment a human not as yourself, but as their wife or ex-wife, or just some mouthy broad.

Shawn: What in the name of Kevin Spacey's self-made Christmas Eve video message to try to get back on "House of Cards" is going on here?

Jason: Listen, Michael, it's okay to feel or plead guilty about bad things you used to do, but you don't have to feel shame about who you were because you are not a demon anymore. You're just like a nice weird happy old dude.

--
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Tinker, Tailor, Demon, Spy

The Good Place 4×4

Chapter 43

Eleanor: Fork me. That was a disaster.

Eleanor: What the fork?

Michael: Whoever you are, show yourself.

Glenn: If it's not too much trouble, could I get a hot glass of pig urine?... Or... I'm not picky. Whatever urine you have is fine.

Jason: If you're a devil, how come you're not wearing Prada?

Michael: Yes, that also was a lie, but it was an inspirational one. Like, "So great running into you. We should get coffee some time," or all of Instagram.

Eleanor: I still think you're forking with us.

Eleanor: Motherforker. I knew there was something weird about that puncher.

Janet: A demon can take his own skin suit off, but no one else can. It's like a very complicated bra.

Michael: I'm a fire squid.
Jason: Dooope.
Michael: No. Not dope. I'm a 6,000-foot tall fire squid. I have tentacles. There's teeth everywhere. I'm on fire, and my neck is long. And there's a smell, and lots of juice. There's so much juice, El.
Jason: I think I speak for everyone here when I say... I really have to see this!

---

Jason: So does blowing up mean he was telling the truth or lying?

Michael: Don't worry. Demons can't die. He'll slowly reform himself over a few months, passing through all the stages of demon growth... larva, slug monster, spooky little girl, teenage boy, giant ball of tongues, social media CEO, and then finally demon, so...

Eleanor: Mmm. I gotta say. Out of all the human stuff I've been able to experience in this neighborhood, nachos... number one. Easy... I mean, salty, crunchy, cheesy, little bit of a kick? Name one better thing humans have created.
Chidi: The Sistine Chapel?
Eleanor: Pfft. Paint on a ceiling. I mean, it's fine, but can you eat it at the movies?

Chidi: I just... feel like I made the world a little bit worse, and I won't be okay until I make it better again.
Eleanor: Making yourself miserable to ease the suffering of others... about the most Chidi thing you can do.

Eleanor: You offered to sacrifice yourself to help a bunch of cockroaches. That's about the most Michael thing you could do.

Michael: You sure you can hold down the fort?
Eleanor: Not at all. You sure you can do your thing?
Michael: Nope. We'll just try our best. Right?

--
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Chillaxing

The Good Place 4×3

Chapter 42

Eleanor: If there's anyone that can turn that ash-hole into a good person, it's Chidi.

Eleanor: My man used to collect action figures of famous philosophers. Oh, Eleanor, look, it's a near-mint Arthur Schopenhauer with a working quill!... What a dork. I love him so much...

Eleanor: What the fork?

Eleanor: Well, just for argument's sake, what would Kant say about your duty to help your fellow human beings?
Chidi: Well, honestly, when the weather is this perfect, I think that Kant would say, "Who's up for some Frisbee golf?"

Michael: Never seen Chidi like that. He was... chillaxing, which is a word I just invented, combing Chidi and relaxing.
Eleanor: Yeah, I guess once you have the burden of saving humanity removed from your brain, life is dandy.

Eleanor: You want to make a pearl, you gotta get some sand in your clam.
Michael: Oyster.

Eleanor: I've got this. I have a ton of experience making ex-boyfriends' lives miserable. First up, we fill his acoustic guitar with wet cat food... Judge me all you want. I get results.

Janet: I researched how humans cope with relationships ending, and number eight on the list was doing something dumb with your hair. Number 42 was watch "Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again," so I did that, too. It was okay. It's just a lot of the same songs as the first one.

Tahani: First, we open his pores, and then we open his heart.
Janet: We exfoliate the dead skin cells of envy, and we detoxify his soul.
Tahani: Spa day!
Janet: Spa day!

John: So Natalie Portman does all of Scarlett Johansson's stunts? Why?
Tahani: For the power. Just to say she can.

Tahani: There was this sort of inner treatment that was all the rage on Earth, the study of ethics. Think of it as a colonic, but for your soul!

---

Jason: ...maybe we should ease off. He's pretty stressed already.
Eleanor: Please. He's not even dry-heaving yet. How many Tums did he take today?
Jason: Like 20.
Eleanor: Pfft, that's nothing. We don't stop until it's a whole bottle. Because the more miserable he is, the more he's going to teach you, and then everyone, and then he'll save humanity! He's like Superman with nervous diarrhea.

Chidi: No monk's truest desire is a motorcycle with Pam Anderson's face painted on it.
Jason: Oh, it wasn't her face...
Michael: A sexually explicit motorcycle? Whose rock was that?

Chidi: Yeah. No. I'm used to moral dilemmas. I like moral dilemmas. They're my jam, but this just feels like I'm... Like I'm being punished somehow. And, obviously, I know that's silly. This is the Good Place. You two would never do anything to hurt anyone, but I am seriously worried that I did something wrong, and this is the universe getting back at me— Oh, no. What's happening now? Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. No, I made God cry? Oh, stomach ache. Welcome back, old friend.

Chidi: Instead of just trying to not get caught, we're going to study ethics. I'm going to help you become a good person.
Jason: Oh, dope. I always want to get better. That's why I spent so much of my time at the free clinic.
Chidi: Hang on. Just editing my syllabus in my head based on that comment...
Jason: This is gonna be awesome. You rule. You're like the Pam Anderson boob motorcycle of people.
Chidi: Thank you. That's an amazing compliment.

Michael: I still don't have a grip on the human emotional spectrum. You guys are often happy when you should be sad and angry when you should be happy, and texting when you should be driving, which is not an emotion, I know, but it's insane...

Michael: The point is, in this case, even if it's not rational, you're allowed to feel a little angry. Let yourself off the hook. Process it and work your way through it, and then get your shirt together. Because we have a lot of work to do.

Tahani: Philosophy may not be his way forward. Genuine human connection shall be his course of study. And first up on the syllabus, he and I will be unironically watching the Britney Spears movie "Crossroads" together... And you'll have to trust me, this is a huge step in the right direction.

--
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A Girl from Arizona, Pt. 2

The Good Place 4×2

Chapter 41

Eleanor: Let's focus on Brent. Born on third base, thinks he invented the game of baseball. Guys like this believe that the world revolves around them because... it kind of does.

Eleanor: And also, bonus... maybe he cries like a stupid little baby.

Jason: I feel bad for making Janet's life more chaotic and unpredictable, so here's my idea to make it up to her. Me and 100 Janet Babies do a giant flash mob... just total unpredictable chaos all around her. Great idea, right?

Michael: Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason.
Jason: Mm-hmm.
Michael: Sorry, I put a little cheat code in the Neighborhood where if I say your name five times my headache goes away.

Jason: So... you're saying wanting to do something isn't a good reason to immediately do it?... Man, I wish someone had taught me this on Earth...
Michael: People tried. Mostly judges.

Brent: In the words of Martin Luther King, Jr., who I personally believe was a great man, he said that when life knocks you on your butt, you jump back up and start throwing haymakers.
Eleanor: I'm not sure he said that...
Brent: No, no, he did. You're wrong.

Eleanor: If we want him to understand he doesn't belong here, ... we need to bust him open like a piñata.
Michael: We tried that in the Bad Place. The goo that comes out doesn't taste as good as candy.
Eleanor: No, dude, metaphorically.
Michael: Ahh.

Brent: This chaos is clearly all about me. This is the universe telling me that I don't belong here.
Eleanor: Brent, what do you mean?
Brent: I don't belong in the Good Place. I mean, obviously there's a place better than this. I belong there. In the best place.

Eleanor: I'm gonna go punch a wall with my head. I'll meet up with you later.

Eleanor: ...And if I could give you some feedback, I'd say that you're all ungrateful ash-faces who can shove your fat grumps all the way up your snork-box.
Michael: Which curses were those?

Eleanor: Well, good luck, forkfaces. I quit! Shellstrop out.

---

Eleanor: I'm not meant for this. I'm not the freakin' savior of the universe. I'm just... a girl from Arizona. That's it.

Eleanor: I'm just a normal girl from Arizona. I ate junk food. I watched reality shows. I sometimes left H&M wearing more underpants than I had on when I came in...

Michael: Like it or not... the only one who can save a humanity is a girl from Arizona.
Eleanor: But everything I do blows up in my face. I'm like a hot, blonde Wile E. Coyote.
Michael: That's true. About you making lots of mistakes, not the thing where you sexualized a cartoon.

Michael: Come on, you know how this works. You fail and then you try something else. And you fail again and again, and you fail a thousand times, and you keep trying because... maybe the 1,001st idea might work. Now, I'm gonna and try to find our 1,001st idea. I hope you'll join me.

Eleanor: Ladies and gentlemen, back with her trademark brand of B-minus leadership, Eleanor Shellstrop.

Eleanor: You sure there's no other girl from Arizona who can do this? What about Emma Stone? She's from there. She's very capable. Remember her in "Zombieland" and "La La Land"? What's with all her movies ending with "land"?
Michael: You're stalling.
Eleanor: Yep, heading out.

Eleanor: I wouldn't have told you ordinarily, but since she's gone a little cuckoo bananas... that's the official Architect term...

Chidi: There are some great writings on simulated realities that might help her adjust... Descartes, Moravec, Zhuang Zhou...

Chidi: So if I understand your state of mind, it's basically solipsism. You think that you're the only real thing in the universe and everything else stems from your consciousness.
Simone: Yes, but to be fair, I only think that because it's true and I'm right.
Chidi: No offense, but solipsism as a philosophy is pretty juvenile... It's also impossible to refute because everything you see is confirmed by your belief. However...

Chidi: In a larger sense, if you go around acting like no one else matters then you end up doing things like knocking over cakes and pushing people into pools and just generally acting like a jerk. Why not treat them better just in case they're real? I mean, what do you have to lose by treating people with kindness and respect?

Eleanor: Is this what donating old bras to Goodwill feels like?

--
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A Girl from Arizona, Part 1

The Good Place 4×1

Chapter 40

Chidi: Whoa-ho-ho-ho! I can summon philosophy books like Thor's hammer. This is literally my number one dream. Also... ow! That hurt.

Chidi: Ah... and I'm... I'm sorry. This has been so overwhelming, I-I forgot your name.
Eleanor: Eleanor.
Chidi: Eleanor, right. Sorry. Eleanor, Eleanor, Eleanor. Now I'll never forget.
Eleanor: Well, you might!

Jason: And I'm also embracing you because this feels warm and my hands are cold.

Michael: And marching us into battle, our fearless leader, the pride of Phoenix, Arizona, Eleanor Shellstrop!
Eleanor: Technically, the pride of Phoenix is a life-size statue of Alice Cooper made from cigarette butts. It's outside City Hall. But thank you for the kind words.

Michael: With this team, there's no problem we can't solve.
Shawn: There is no problem we can't create.

Eleanor: Linda, this is Janet. If you want anything at all, Janet can bring it to you. Watch. Janet, can I have a baby elephant made of pure light that tells you true secrets about the universe?
Baby-Elephant-Made-of-Pure-Light: Shirley Temple killed JFK.

---

Baby-Elephant-Made-of-Pure-Light: Stonehenge was a sex thing.

Brent: Ah, you know what, maybe it's a good thing, actually. Some journalist was poking around, calling all these ladies who used to work for me. You can't even make a joke these days! Everything is so PC. And I was an equal-opportunity offender, okay? I made jokes about everybody, and by the way, I'm the furthest thing from racist. My dentist was a black woman. I just think people need to loosen up.

Eleanor: For this first week, all we need to do is figure out what the fork is up with these benches.

Michael: We can do this. On three. Dead eyes, eat hearts, can't lose... Ah, sorry. Old Bad Place rally cry.

Eleanor: Fine. Stupid... ethical... reasonable argument. I wish you were a cake. Push you over.
Michael: Are you still muttering?
Eleanor: No! I stopped. Stupid, good-hearing, reformed demon...

The Judge: Shawn, I don't have time for this. I just started "Deadwood"... finally... and I need my daily dose of Timothy Olyphant, so I'm gonna make this short. If you so much as breathe on this experiment again, I will restart the entire thing from scratch, and then I will personally rip off your eyelids and make you watch heartwarming videos of soldiers coming home to their dogs.

--
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Pandemonium

The Good Place 3×12

Chapter 39

Michael: I'm not meant for any of this, Eleanor. I'm just middle management! What if I fail? It'll be like the failure to end all failures. It'll be... an epic fail.

Michael: Is my tie getting tighter, or is my neck getting fatter somehow?

Eleanor: You can do this. You are Michael. You are smart and capable. And you're a fearless leader. And you are gonna take a deep breath, stand up, open that door and say, "Hi, John. I'm Michael. I'm the Architect. Come on in." Got it?...

Eleanor: Hi, John. I'm Eleanor. I'm the Architect. Come on in.

Eleanor: So... let me sum this up for you, John... Ya dead.

Chidi: Uh-oh. Michael looks like me. That's bad.
Eleanor: Fun little update...

Eleanor: Scared is the best way to be horny. Oh, now who's doing the teaching?

Tahani: Don't you see? The Bad Place didn't pick the worst people. They picked the people who would be the worst for us!

Eleanor: Those motherforkers...

Shawn: What's that thing you humans say when you're playing chess and you trap your opponent into an inescapable position? Oh, right. Eat butt, you ding dongs!

Eleanor: Jason, talk to no one. Go nowhere. Do nothing.
Jason: I won't let you down.

Eleanor: Let's just take this step by step. Step one, you leave so I can snap your amnesiac ex-girlfriend out of her post-death coma and welcome her into fake heaven.
Chidi: That's step one?

---

Tahani: I shan't let it happen.

Chidi: Look, this isn't just about me feeling awkward around my ex. It's more about, if I am awkward around my ex, everyone gets tortured forever.

Eleanor: The Bad Place has pulled off the most intricate cork blork of all time... Hmm, it's a nice touch that the cursing filter maintains the rhyme. I appreciate that attention to detail.

Eleanor: I don't normally cry at movies... But that one was pretty good... That girl was hot. The guy was, too.

Eleanor: I wish we had more time together.
Chidi: Oh, time means nothing. Jeremy Bearimy, baby. We'll just get through this. And then you and I can chill out in the dot of the eye forever.

Eleanor: Janet?... Can you just, you know, like, tell me the answer? You know, the answer to everything. You know all there is to know in the universe. Crunch the numbers. Tell me the answer.

Eleanor: What's the point of love if it's just gonna disappear? And how is it worse to not love anybody? There has to be meaning to existence, otherwise the universe is just made of pain, and I don't like the thought of that, so tell me the answer!

Janet: The more human I become, the less things make sense. But that's part of the fun, right?
Eleanor: What do you mean?
Janet: If there were an answer I could give you to how the universe works, it wouldn't be special. It would just be machinery fulfilling its cosmic design. It would just be a big, dumb food processor. But since nothing seems to make sense, when you find something or someone that does, it's euphoria.

Eleanor: Pandemonium is from "Paradise Lost." Milton called the center of hell, "Pandemonium," meaning, "place of all demons." Chidi tricked me into reading "Paradise Lost" by telling me Satan was, and I quote, "my type." A big, mean, bald guy with a goatee. I mean, he wasn't wrong.
Janet: Oh, no. That's very on brand for you.

Eleanor: I guess all I can do is embrace the pandemonium, find happiness in the unique insanity of being here, now.
Janet: We'll do this together. In the words of the man that I love... "I got you, dog."

Eleanor: Hi, Chidi. I'm Eleanor. Come on in.

--
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Chidi Sees the Time-Knife

The Good Place 3×11

Chapter 38

Michael: Here are your options. Option number one...
Eleanor: Cruel but necessary.

Jason: Hey, is... is this a good time to talk?
Janet: Well, there's no time like the present. And here there's neither "no time" nor "the present." Go ahead.

Janet: I'm not a girl. But, yes, I'd very much like to go on a date with you somewhere sometime, as opposed to here, which is nowhere at all the times. You get it?

Michael: Life now is so complicated, it's impossible for anyone to be good enough for the Good Place... These days just buying a tomato at a grocery store means that you are unwittingly supporting toxic pesticides, exploiting labor, contributing to global warming. Humans think that they're making one choice, but they're actually making dozens of choices they don't even know they're making!

The Judge: Your big revelation is life is complicated? That's not a revelation. That's a divorced woman's throw pillow.

Chidi: Jean-Paul Sartre once wrote...
Jason: Boring! I got this. I want to tell you about a guy from my dance crew in Jacksonville called Big Noodle...

Jason: .... The point is, you can't judge humans 'cause you don't know what we go through.

The Judge: Tanzania, Paraguay, Vietnam, Denmark. It's terrible everywhere and always in a different way. The only place I liked was Hawaii, although I barely left the resort.

The Judge: Earth stinks, y'all. It's hot, and it's crowded... but somehow also cold and lonely.

The Judge: I thought it was going to be so easy to make good decisions. The first thing I did was I Googled "big, juicy natural tomatoes," which led me to a porn site that was for people with a sunburn fetish or... I kind of never recovered.
Michael: Right. That's problem number one. Life is chaotic and messy and unpredictable. Problem number two... even if you do somehow manage to make good decisions, you still lose points because of the unintended consequences.

---

Eleanor: Yeah, there are booby traps everywhere. Like, there's this chicken sandwich that if you eat it, it means you hate gay people. And it's delicious!

Shawn: Oh, come on! I was just in the middle of torturing William Shakespeare by describing the plot to the "Entourage" movie.

Chidi: I... I just saw a trillion different realities folding onto each other like thin sheets of metal, forming a single blade.
Michael: Yeah, yeah, the Time-Knife. We've all seen it. Let's get back on track, bud.

Chidi: Let's repeat the experiment. It's what Simone taught us about data collection. Try it again and see if you get the same results.

Shawn: I have about a billion objections to this.
Michael: So do I.
The Judge: Good. That means it's a fair compromise.

Eleanor: So how bad is contestant number one? Murderer? War criminal? Instagram DJ?

Eleanor: Eh, plans are for wimps. We should have done this Shellstrop-style... Don't prepare at all, get drunk the morning of the test, BS our way through it, and then brag about how we didn't even study an still got a C-plus.

Eleanor: Hey, listen... whatever your plan is, it's gonna be great. We trust you. Your friends will always trust you.

--
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The Book of Dougs

The Good Place 3×10

Chapter 37

Tahani: Are we sure we're in the actual Good Place? It's rather carpeted.
Jason: Yeah, I don't see any go-karts, much less go-karts being driven by monkeys wearing sunglasses and Hawaiian shirts.

Eleanor: Whoa. That smells like Typhoon Falls, my favorite water park when I was a kid. Mmm. Chlorine, suntan lotion, Band-Aids, and a thick cloud of teen hormones.

Janet: The Good Place smells like whatever makes you happiest.
Chidi: Warm pretzels. Or, no, wait... It's the smell of absolute moral truth?
Janet: Those two things have very similar smells.

Tahani: To me it smells like a curtain closing between first class and economy. Ah, this truly is the Good Place!

Chidi: Why do we need a cover story at all? There are the good guys. Let's just come clean and request asylum.
Jason: Yeah, man, we're refugees. What kind of messed-up place would turn away refugees?

Michael: I'm Michael, and this is my Neutral Janet.
Janet: Hello, also, not hello. It's nothing to meet you. End of statement.

Gwendolyn: The only door for humans is the Official Entrance, which is 500 trillion miles north-south-north of here.

Eleanor: What?! This is how I always got out of escape rooms. If you break enough stuff, they open the door and kick you out.

Eleanor: What is that... two inches thick? That's like four Oreos. We're four Oreos from heaven!

Jason: Thanks, Tahani. It's nice to know I can talk about girls with my wife.

Eleanor: I guess "try and enjoy this" is a better plan than "have the anxiety sweats."

Eleanor: Holy. Forking. Fork.

---

Meg: Michael, we have rules, procedures. We're the good guys. We can't just do stuff.

Eleanor: Relationships are stupid. You're scared you're never gonna have a real one, and then when you do, you're scared it's gonna go away.

Chidi: Here's an idea, what if we don't worry about whatever comes next? There's a quote I like by Tolstoy: "There is only one time that is important: Now. It is the only time...
Eleanor: "When we have any power." I know that quote. An unverified Tyra Banks account posted that meme on Instagram.
Chidi: Well, now I hate it.

Michael: The Committee's a bunch of ineffectual dorks in fleece vests. The Titanic is sinking, and they're writing a strongly-worded letter to the iceberg.

Tahani: Every time I do something nice, it backfires. There are so many unintended consequences to well-intentioned actions. Feels like a game you can't win.

Michael: Don't you understand? The Bad Place isn't tampering with points; they don't have to. Because every day the world gets a little more complicated, and being a good person gets a little harder.

The Doorman: So, this is the Good Place, huh? Smells like frogs. Cool.

Michael: The Interdimensional Hole of Pancakes is the most dangerous place in the universe.
Tahani: Then why are we going?
Michael: To save humanity.

--
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Janet(s)

The Good Place 3×9

Chapter 36

Michael: Oh, Janet, you did it! You brought us into your void. If I had a heart, it would be pounding.

Chidi-Janet: Cool, cool. And when you say "void"...
Janet: Oh, I mean a sub-dimension outside of space and time at the nexus of consciousness and matter tethered to my essence. Does that help?

Chidi-Janet: I just want to lie down. Where is down?!?!

Michael: We're almost at the end, guys. Just stay here, keep Janet's heads on straight.

Chidi-Janet: This is nuts! We're in a void in the body of a white lady.
Eleanor-Janet: Not a lady!
Tahani-Janet: Not a lady, darling.
Jason-Janet: Well, we are white. Let's all say white people things! Billy Joel. I found it on Etsy. There was nowhere to park! Did you refill the Brita?

Neil: Can I just say, I really depreciate you coming. Huh?... A little bit of accounting humor.

Neil: Janet, can you remind me to laugh at that later?
Neutral Janet: Your amusement has been scheduled. End of conversation.

Chidi-Janet: The things you saw weren't part of my life, so they didn't happen to me.
Eleanor-Janet: What the hell are you talking about, man? Of course it was you. I saw it.
Chidi-Janet: Well, it was a Chidi, sure, but it wasn't me Chidi. This is a classic philosophical question. The concept of the self, or who we are. Philosophically speaking, there's the Chidi I am, who lived a certain life, and there's the Chidi you saw... your soul mate or whatever, who had some entirely different life. They're not the same Chidis.

Neil: So this is the main feed. Every action by every human on Earth is recorded and then sent here to be assigned a point value based on the absolute moral worth of that action. For example, a couple in Osaka, Japan, just decided to have a destination wedding. Negative 1,200 points. Oh, and it's a destination theme wedding. Negative 4,300. The theme's "Lord of the Rings..." They're basically doomed.

---

Neil: Ah, here's one. This means that someone has just done something which has never been done before.
Michael: "Richard Moore of Sugarland, Texas, hollowed out an eggplant and filled it with hot sauce and nickels."
Neil: And amazingly, it's not a weird sex thing. 99% of all new human behaviors are weird sex things. But not in this... oh, no, it is a weird sex thing, yeah.

Michael: Could we look at one specific file, though, just to make sure?
Neil: Oh, who do you want to see... Genghis Khan, Marie Antoinette? Walt Disney's got some freaky stuff in his file...

Chidi-Janet: I don't want to see those memories because, philosophically speaking, they're none of my business. They happened to someone else. Let me explain...

Chidi-Janet: Conceptions of the self. Let's start with John Locke, who believed that personal identity was based on having a continued consciousness... essentially, memory. Memories are links in a chain that together form a single self. If I can't remember what happened because it happened to a Chidi from another timeline, it's not a unified me.

Chidi-Janet: .... That leads us to Derek Parfit. Parfit said even if I have memories from an earlier time, that doesn't necessarily mean it was me. After all, if my brain was split in two and each half was put in a different person, which one is me? All I know is that other Chidi doesn't exist anymore, and this one does. So this must be the real Chidi.
Eleanor-Janet: And all I know is that you're just barfing Wikipedia all over everyone to avoid talking about your feelings.
Chidi-Janet: Let's talk about David Hume...

Neil: Look, mate, the points are indisputable. They have been since the beginning. "Og Gives His Rock to Grog." First ever act of human altruism. Og earned 10,000 points that day. Of course, then Grog used that rock to beat Og's brains in and lost a million points. The point is, the math is cold, objective, and airtight, and unless you can prove otherwise, I don't know how I can help you.

Matty: I just got 700 new Weird Sex Thing files in the last one second.
Neil: Oh, yeah, Burning Man just started. Buckle up, Matty. It's going to be a long week...

Chidi-Janet: So, in essence, Hume thought that we don't truly have a self. We're just a bundle of our ever-changing impressions—

Neil: No one. No one got in.
Michael: No one's gotten in for a year?!
Neil: Correct.

Michael: When was the last time someone got in?
Neil: The last time someone got enough points to get into the Good Place was... 521 years ago.

Jason-Janet: Hey, if we hear with our ears, why is it called "butt overhearing"?

Chidi-Janet: I got into philosophy to try to make sense of a world that almost never makes sense. And that was before I learned that I died and then un-died and then re-died. I just can't take one more thing.

Chidi-Janet: You're not Jason-Janet! You're Eleanor-Janet pretending to be Jason-Janet. That is so wrong and so confusing!

Michael: Neil, be logical. Not one Good Place resident in over 500 years? Not Jonas Salk? Not Harriet Tubman? Not one single Golden Girl? The Bad Place has hacked your system!

Michael: If he's not going to fix this, who is?
Janet: You, Michael. It has to be you. We keep wandering around these different realms expecting someone else to have the answer, but no one ever does. You're the guy, Michael. You're the only one who can fix whatever's wrong with the afterlife.

Eleanor: Nice work, bud. Did you mean everything you said, or did you just say it because the world was ending?

Eleanor: Where are we?
Michael: We're in the Good Place.
Eleanor: No offense, dude, but you have told us a lot of lies in the last 300 years. So, seriously, where the fork are we?... Fork. Shirt! Ash hole!.. Holy forking shirtballs. We're in the Good Place!

--
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Don't Let the Good Life Pass You By

The Good Place 3×8

Doug Forcett: Why take fresh water away from the beavers and the fish? No, I have my composting toilet hooked up to a water filtration system. One man's waste is another man's water. And both men are me.

Doug Forcett: It was 1972. My friend Randy and I ate some magic mushrooms. Randy asked me, "what do you think happens when you die?" And I saw with perfect clarity how the afterlife works. Immediately I knew I had to live a perfect life...

Doug Forcett: Well, as long as he's happy... See, if I make him happy, I get the points. That's how the system works, remember?

Janet: He's become a happiness pump... Remember from Chidi's lessons?
Michael: I remember the term happiness pump. That's just mostly because Eleanor and Jason made a bunch of dirty jokes about it.
Janet: It's a criticism of utilitarianism. A happiness pump is someone who is obsessed with maximizing the overall good at his or her expense.

Doug Forcett: We are here to celebrate the life of Martin Luther Gandhi Tyler Moore, the snail.

Doug Forcett: I can't risk it. There's an accountant out there somewhere measuring the value of everything I do. What if I relax and do something that loses me just enough points to keep me out of the Good Place and I'm tortured for eternity? No, I have to make every moment count. It's the only rational way to live.

Michael: ...And I drank his piss!

Eleanor: We were in love, and there's a real possibility that I'm in love with you again. Here. On this plane of existence. Today. Now. In Canada during this brawl with demons.

Jason: Uh, sorry, no, no Michael. You're confused. Evidence isn't a good thing that you want. It's a bad thing that you have to destroy or you go to jail.

Chidi: Wait, did you just say we're gonna di...

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The Worst Possible Use of Free Will

The Good Place 3×7

Michael: I'm skipping all of the sleeping and chewing. You guys are always either sleeping or chewing something.

Chidi: So, we are moving onto the subject of free will versus determinism. We are officially done with Nietzsche.
Eleanor: Aww. I'm gonna miss Nietzsche. I spent a lot of my life thinking I was better than everyone else, and he showed me why I was right.

Eleanor: Uh-oh. It's Chidi kryptonite, a choice between any two things. Settle in, lizard. This is gonna be a while...

Eleanor: What are you hiding?
Michael: Nothing. It's just, the rest is not interesting.
Eleanor: Yeah, no, you're right. "Not that interesting." Just watching myself fall in love for the first time in fake heaven. What else is on?

Michael: That's the story. You're capable of human love. Congrats. Can we go now?

Eleanor: Once you made us bond, the romance was inevitable. It's a basic reality show playbook. Put a bunch of attractive young people in stressful situations, so they act like idiots and have sex with each other. This is all just... determinism.
Michael: What?!

Eleanor: "Determinism is the theory that we have no control over our own actions. Everything we do happens because of some external force, which exists outside of our control."

Eleanor: Everything in my life has been determined by my upbringing, my genetics, or... or my environment. And everything in my afterlife was determined by you. There is no such thing as free will.

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Waitress: You want something to drink?
Eleanor: Maybe I do, maybe I don't. But whatever I choose will be the result of millions of biological, genetic, and societal factors that are entirely outside my control.
Michael: Iced tea.

Eleanor: Where am I?
Michael: Hell. You're in Hell.

Michael: I tried to script your whole afterlife. And I devised a 15 million-point plan to torture you. You made choices I never saw coming. I call that free will.
Eleanor: .... What if all your choices are predetermined?
Michael: Oh, you've got to be kidding me!
Eleanor: What? We don't know. Maybe there's a mega-demon who built a torture chamber for demons, and this whole thing is just him torturing you. And maybe all the mega-demons are just fulfilling a destiny laid out by a bunch of super intelligent tarantula-squids, who are torturing them, be...

Eleanor: Whatever. Who even cares?
Michael: I do. Because if everything is determined, and we have no free will, then all the stuff we're doing to put more good into the world is pointless. And I want to believe that it matters.

Michael: We need to find someone who can serve as a... as a blueprint for humanity, someone who's life is so great that we can use it as a model to get as many points for as many people as possible. And I think I know the perfect person—
Eleanor: Rihanna! Good call. I don't know her personally, but I did see her in Vegas once, and her calf brushed up against my tongue...

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A Fractured Inheritance

The Good Place 3×6

Eleanor: Why didn't you tell me sooner, man?
Michael: I had already told you that you died and that I had tortured you for centuries and that you're doomed to be tortured again. I just didn't want to be, like, a bummer.

Eleanor: Diana Tremaine is my fake ID name! I... How dare she steal the identity I stole?!

Donna Shellstrop: No, baby, this is as real as the nails under my acrylic nails.

Donna Shellstrop: Eleanor is my sorority sister.
Eleanor: Right. Good old Kappa Zeta... Jones.

Jason: Those aren't dumb shapes. They're a pair of boobs. And then two extra side boobs. It symbolizes that boobs come in all shapes and sizes and distances apart.

Tahani: There are plenty of other people I could help, like my good friend Ben Affleck and his crippling addiction to back tattoos, or my other good friend Matt Damon and his crippling addiction to my friend Ben Affleck.

Eleanor: 7 shots of Seagram's 7 in 7 minutes. It's Diana's morning drink.

Dave: So how did you and Eleanor become friends?
Michael: Let's just say that we "lived" in the same "neighborhood."
Dave: What a fun way to say a normal thing, right?

Eleanor: Man, Dave's margaritas are amazing.
Michael: Right? And I'm not even a tequila guy.

Eleanor: Is there more cash in your bra?
Donna Shellstrop: Always. It's why I don't wash them.

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