Chidi Sees the Time-Knife

The Good Place 3×11

Chapter 38

Michael: Here are your options. Option number one...
Eleanor: Cruel but necessary.

Jason: Hey, is... is this a good time to talk?
Janet: Well, there's no time like the present. And here there's neither "no time" nor "the present." Go ahead.

Janet: I'm not a girl. But, yes, I'd very much like to go on a date with you somewhere sometime, as opposed to here, which is nowhere at all the times. You get it?

Michael: Life now is so complicated, it's impossible for anyone to be good enough for the Good Place... These days just buying a tomato at a grocery store means that you are unwittingly supporting toxic pesticides, exploiting labor, contributing to global warming. Humans think that they're making one choice, but they're actually making dozens of choices they don't even know they're making!

The Judge: Your big revelation is life is complicated? That's not a revelation. That's a divorced woman's throw pillow.

Chidi: Jean-Paul Sartre once wrote...
Jason: Boring! I got this. I want to tell you about a guy from my dance crew in Jacksonville called Big Noodle...

Jason: .... The point is, you can't judge humans 'cause you don't know what we go through.

The Judge: Tanzania, Paraguay, Vietnam, Denmark. It's terrible everywhere and always in a different way. The only place I liked was Hawaii, although I barely left the resort.

The Judge: Earth stinks, y'all. It's hot, and it's crowded... but somehow also cold and lonely.

The Judge: I thought it was going to be so easy to make good decisions. The first thing I did was I Googled "big, juicy natural tomatoes," which led me to a porn site that was for people with a sunburn fetish or... I kind of never recovered.
Michael: Right. That's problem number one. Life is chaotic and messy and unpredictable. Problem number two... even if you do somehow manage to make good decisions, you still lose points because of the unintended consequences.

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Eleanor: Yeah, there are booby traps everywhere. Like, there's this chicken sandwich that if you eat it, it means you hate gay people. And it's delicious!

Shawn: Oh, come on! I was just in the middle of torturing William Shakespeare by describing the plot to the "Entourage" movie.

Chidi: I... I just saw a trillion different realities folding onto each other like thin sheets of metal, forming a single blade.
Michael: Yeah, yeah, the Time-Knife. We've all seen it. Let's get back on track, bud.

Chidi: Let's repeat the experiment. It's what Simone taught us about data collection. Try it again and see if you get the same results.

Shawn: I have about a billion objections to this.
Michael: So do I.
The Judge: Good. That means it's a fair compromise.

Eleanor: So how bad is contestant number one? Murderer? War criminal? Instagram DJ?

Eleanor: Eh, plans are for wimps. We should have done this Shellstrop-style... Don't prepare at all, get drunk the morning of the test, BS our way through it, and then brag about how we didn't even study an still got a C-plus.

Eleanor: Hey, listen... whatever your plan is, it's gonna be great. We trust you. Your friends will always trust you.

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