One

Life 2x21

Roman: A man I know has kindly offered to serve my time for me.
Interviewer: That was very nice of him.
Roman: People like to do favors for me. Always have. I don't know why.

Tidwell: Okay, where's your first stop?
Crews: Our friends at the FBI.
Tidwell: No, last time we asked them questions they stonewalled us.
Crews: Last time I asked them questions like a cop. This time it'll be a little different.

Tidwell: Detective Crews. You go get her.
Crews: Got nothing else to do today.

Zen Coach: 'What we learned as children, that one plus one equals two... We know to be false. One plus one equals one. We even have a word for when you plus another equals one. That word is--'

Bobby: That'll kill you... The coffee. It'll kill you.

Crews: Doc, I'm gonna have to lock the door now... You understand me?

Bobby: It's not Zen, Charlie.
Crews: It'll just have to do until Zen comes along.

---

Raybourn: I fooled everyone but the Russian.

Seever: What do you want to know, detective Crews?

Raybourn: I chose you, kiddo. And I was right. I was right. ... It's always been about you, Charlie. Even that animal Roman knows that.

Roman: Okay. Okay. I do not trust you. You do not trust me. How do we do this?
Crews: Easy.

Crews: I am not attached to that gun.

Reese: Crews...
Crews: Just breathe.
Roman: No, no. No touching. No tricks.

Crews: One plus one equals one.
Roman: What are those numbers?

Crews: ...So we can start over right now, or we can go on killing. You, fellas, do speak English?

Zen Coach: 'That word... is love.

--
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Initiative 38

Life 2x20

Crews: ...someone came here to kill your wife. Can you think who that might be?
Amis: Yes, I can. Initiative 38.

Crews: Is it what Lisa would've done?
Ella Holden: Yes. Use everything, leave nothing.

Crews: Well, maybe what they had in common is that they had nothing in common. Do not write that down.
Seever: Might be a clue. I'm going to write it down, you may look away.

Tidwell: Four bullets, two from a 9mm, two from a.22.
Seever: Two guns.
Crews: Two shooters. Someone really wanted her dead.

Crews: And they're all carrying?
Seever: Within the confines of the building, they are well within their rights.
Crews: Lawyer and a cop...
Bobby: That all?
Crews: Olympics. Just the relay.

Seever: How you doing?
Crews: Pretty good, how about yourself?
Seever: I'm holding a bomb.
Crews: I saw that.

---

Seever: Hey, where are you going?
Crews: Where he's going.
Seever: And where's that?
Crews: I'll know when I get there.
Seever: And what should I do?
Crews: You... should be... here.
Seever: I am here.
Crews: Okay. Then... there you are.

Agent Liz Ray: Boys, just because you have guns doesn't mean you have to show them.

Ted: How do you know this?
Amanda: I know everything.
Ted: What's that like?
Amanda: Almost always disappointing.

Seever: I think you'd make a good mayor.
Crews: I wouldn't want to be mayor.
Seever: That's why you'd be such a good one.
Crews: Is that Zen?
Seever: Is it?

Ted: Roman not here? Charlie, where is Roman?

Ted: Charlie, what are you thinking?
Crews: I'm thinking about what I want and what I need.
Ted: What do you want?
Crews: I want a peaceful soul.
Ted: And what do you need?
Crews: I need a bigger gun.

--
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5 Quarts

Life 2x19

Bodner: Hard to believe something so small could cause so much pain.
Crews: It only hurts when it's where it's not supposed to be.
Bodner: And where's that bullet supposed to be next?

Bodner: So are we done shooting each other?
Crews: Yeah, I think so.

Crews: There's something wrong with him.
Seever: Yeah, he's dead.
Crews: Something else. He looks... deader.
Seever: Deader?
Crews: More dead. Extra dead.

Seever: Candle wax?
Kyo: Maybe from someone's birthday cake...
Seever: You eat cake in here?
Kyo: We're like any office. Just because we deal with corpses doesn't mean we're not fun. We are fun.

Crews: A lot of people use work as a painkiller.
Seever: Me, I use painkillers for pain.
Crews: And you use work for work?

Tidwell: How exactly does the nose smell things anyway?
Seever: You don't want to know.
Tidwell: Why?
Seever: You just don't.

Tidwell: I can still smell it out here.
Kyo: That's just the particles lodged in your nose.
Tidwell: Particles? Particles of what?

Crews: You seem a little stressed. Maybe you want to try this breathing exercise I know. It's pretty easy...

Seever: You really know a breathing exercise?
Crews: Yeah. Just breathe. I said it was easy.

Santos: Do you even know what five quarts of blood looks like?

Seever: Can I ask you something?..
Crews: Is it about prison?.. Fruit?.. Zen?

Kyo: The first time [we] kissed, he said, "Lips are just a valve, but yours are sweet." He thought my valve was sweet.

Crews: Shunts.
Seever: A device used to introduce or extract fluids from the body.
Crews: Five quarts.

Crews: You all right?
Seever: I was in that 97%. I never fired my gun, except on the range.

Zen Coach: Objects are not deceiving. They are deception. What we see, what we hear, all that our senses present to us is a fiction, no more real than a dream. We can only know that which we believe. That which we believe. That... is all we have.

--
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3 Women

Life 2x18

Ted: Fakes are easy. Any kid with a computer and a printer can do it... This girl I knew sent me a picture of herself once. She had this devil tail. It looked real, but it wasn’t.

Ted: Well, what are you going to do? You gotta do something. Do you want me to do something? I can do something. You gotta do something. Don’t you?

John: What years?
Crews: ’94 to ’06.
John: Atwater. ’98 to ’08.

Seever: Is one of you Charlie Crews?
Crews: I am. Who wants to know?
Seever: Janice Seever. Your new partner.
Crews: ...
John: Wanna switch places?

John: How do you know me? Hmm?
Crews: Because you’re that guy.

Seever: ...I think that’s how you like it.
Tidwell: It is. Five sugars. How’d you know?
Crews: She likes to be prepared.

— Not Reese. Definitely not Reese.

---

Tidwell: What’s she doing?
Crews: Speed-reading. Twelve pages a minute. I counted.
Tidwell: Maybe she’s a robot. Have you seen her blink? Robots don’t blink......
Crews: Blinked.
Tidwell: Saw that.

Tidwell: What’s he doing?
Seever: Reading. Slowly. Very, very slowly.

Seever: ...Why exactly is that?
John: Because... I’m that guy.
Seever: Which guy is that, John?
John: The guy who does anything to get by...
Crews: Who promised everything to everybody. Promised three women the world.

Reese: Crews? Sometimes things are just what they look like. Right?
Crews: Yeah, Reese, sometimes things are just what they look like.

Crews: See you, Reese.
Reese: Yeah. See you, Crews.

Crews: You know what’s a better reward than money? Doing good. You know why? Because when you do good, you feel good. When you do bad, you feel bad.

Crews: It’s still on you, what happened, what you did. Always on you. You can feel it.

--
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Shelf Life

Life 2x17

Bobby: What was—
Crews: Don’t ask.
Bobby: Do all detectives have to do that?
Crews: Bobby, let’s go to the beach.

Crews: What?.. What?
Tidwell: It’s just— Reese told me to—
Crews: Reese told you to what, captain?
Tidwell: Reese told me to make sure I always ask you what you see.
Crews: Ah, she said that, did she?
Tidwell: So? What do you see?
Crews: Actually, it’s what I don’t see...
Tidwell: ...She said he might say that.

Reese: And Tidwell thinks it’s about the girl?
Crews: In the United States of New York City, where there’s a dead guy, there’s a girl there somewhere.

Crews: Reese, you said something nice about me to Tidwell, huh?
Reese: No, I didn’t.
Crews: You know, Reese, with distance, you’re appreciating me more. Reese? Reese? Well, that’s just rude.

Bobby: I even talked to the human statue.
Crews: Oh, yeah? What’d he say?
Bobby: It was a girl. Said she didn’t really look at the faces staring at her.
Crews: What’s she looking at?
Bobby: Watching films in her head. Godfather III today.
Crews: Isn’t that the worst one?
Bobby: Yeah. Since she watched the other two, she likes to finish things, and—

---

Crews: You tried to sell him something?
Rasta 1: Big Bad Bertha... But I couldn’t get him to buy it.
Crews: You get him to touch it?
Rasta 1: I did. Always put the merchandise in their hands. First rule of sales.

Bobby: Tidwell called. I’m back in uniform tomorrow. ...
Crews: So this is your last day?.. Let’s go catch us a killer, then.

Reese: Everything connected, Crews?
Crews: Ah, you do miss me, don’t you, Reese?

Crews: Oh, the lie detector, huh? Do you want to know how to beat that?
Reese: You can beat a lie detector?
Crews: Sure, it’s easy. You just tell the truth.

Gus Wilvern: Our lab reports said two years’ shelf life, just like the other companies’. The war was only supposed to last six weeks. Six weeks! I mean, who knew we’d still be there six years later?!

Gus Wilvern: I changed the numbers from two to five! Who knew we’d still be there six years later?..

Ted: Don’t you just love that accent? Everything sounds so smart.

Amanda: Okay, detective. I’ve seen your wall. Now let me show you mine...

Amanda: Is that Dani Reese?...

--
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Hit Me Baby

Life 2x16

Deepa: Please describe your service problem to me exactly.
Crews: My phone is supposed to sync up with my car, so I can talk hands-free. It’s against the law for me to hold my phone while I’m driving, and I would hate to break the law, because I’m— I’m kind of a cop.
Deepa: Kind of? I would think that either you are a cop or you’re not a cop.
Crews: I’m a cop.

Crews: A bird. A pigeon. It flew against the window, tried to get in. That means something, right? A bird in the house after a death?

Dani: Bleach and ammonia... Make chlorine.
Crews: Make chlorine.
Dani: Antifreeze in the wine and a broken broom handle.

Crews: It’s a new situation for you. I want you think of it like you’re building a building. You got to put in a good foundation, or everything you do after that is just gonna come tumbling down.
Dani: I’ll see you in a few weeks, Crews.

Crews: Oh, they grow up so fast, don’t they?

Tidwell: ..........
Crews: Reese usually starts. Maybe you could— Why don’t I just jump in?

Crews: Do you know what a derivative is?
Tidwell: A derivative is when you don’t invest in a thing, but you kind of invest in a thing like the thing you’re investing in.
Crews: Yeah, me neither.

Crews: Don’t you think this is weird?.. You know, just us two without Reese?

---

Bobby: That’s so wrong. You don’t pay a pro to stay. You pay her to leave.
Crews: ?
Bobby: Charlie Sheen said that.

Crews: Do you know what a derivative is?
Bobby: Sure, it’s the kind of investment where you’re really not, um... well, it’s—it’s—it’s— it’s when you’re, uh... no. No, no idea.

Ted: Yes, I-I know what a derivative is. It’s—it’s— it’s kind of hard to explain to a layperson.

Ted: ...it’s complicated. Okay, a derivative is a financial product whose value is derived from the value of something else, the underlying. Now, because the value of the derivative is contingent on the value of the underlying, the notional value of derivatives is recorded off the balance sheet, while the market value of derivatives is recorded on the balance sheet.
Crews: I don’t understand it.
Ted: Don’t feel bad. No one does.

Deepa: You need to have a technical issue if you wish to continue this call.
Crews: Okay, technically, don’t you think it’s amazing that I’m here in L.A., and you’re in, let’s say, India, giving me tech support for my phone made in China?

Crews: You ever meet the perfect girl?... When you were sober?

Crews: Antifreeze, ammonia, bleach, broom handle, cut phone cords...

Crews: Ammonia, antifreeze, bleach, a broom handle... nail polish.

Tidwell: A hit man?
Crews: Uh, woman. Hit man woman. Hit woman.
Bobby: A paid professional killer.

Dani: And you still don’t know why she killed Jerome Rafts?... Crews?.. You’re doing it, aren’t you? You’re staring at something... And now you’re taking out some fruit, right? What do you see, Crews?

--
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I Heart Mom

Life 2x15

Crews: The house has no roof. .... Maybe someone stole it.
Dani: Who would steal a roof?
Crews: Maybe kids stole it. Kids will steal anything that isn’t nailed down, anything. I know I did, when I was a kid.

Dani: Pockets are empty. Robbery gone bad?... He’s got a mouthful of 20s. Not a robbery gone bad.

Dani: Oh, looks like it’s jammed all the way down there.
Crews: Not jammed, shoved. As in, «I’m gonna shove that money all the way down your throat...» I don’t think kids did this.

Crews: It has actually been about two years. How did you know that?
Ian: Over three years, you stand further apart. Much further.
Sasha: And newlyweds hold hands, but still you two seem like...

Crews: You think after a few years we’ll stand further apart? That’ll be sad.
Dani: Crews! We’re not a couple.
Crews: Oh, yeah. Still, it’ll be sad.

---

Crews: I don’t think I talk differently than anyone else talks. Maybe, sometimes, I don’t not say things that other people don’t not say, but most other people don’t not say the same things I don’t. You know what I’m saying?

Crews: I’m gonna look further into your future, Red... I see a house. This one’s got a roof on it. It’s a big house. With bars, and walls. There are guards on the walls. It’s always noisy. There’s yelling and crying and a weird laugh that sounds like a cry. And there isn’t any fruit, ever.

Crews: I really don’t believe in the future.
Dani: [I know.]
Crews: There is no future, there’s just now.
Dani: I know, Crews.

Wayne Hall: Detective Girly and Mr. Apple...

Crews: You strike me, you’ll only be striking yourself.
William: What? Some kind of karmic payback?
Crews: If only. No. My partner’ll just shoot you in the head.

Crews: Take a life? You think you’re ready for it, but you’re not... Makes your whole world go away. Makes you forget who you are. Who you wanna be. It makes you forget where you came from and where you’re going...

Crews: You remembered to wipe down the gun. Did you remember to wipe the bullets?

--
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Mirror Ball

Life 2x14

Crews: You ever have a nickname?

Crews: Okay, Reese. Dani Reese... Dani Reese. Your initials are D.R. That’s good. D.R. is good. D.R. stands for doctor. And there you have it. Couldn’t be better.

Crews: D.R. is doctor. Doctor is Doc. Doc Reese. Instant classic. Doc is a great name. I wish I had that name. ’Doc!..’ Might be confusing if we both had the same nicknames.

Crews: You think maybe he just died? People do do that, don’t they? People do just die.

Dani: Grown men in wigs and makeup pretending to be other grown men in wigs and makeup...
Crews: The Buddha said we live our lives pretending to be someone else.
Dani: Oh, he said that, did he?
Crews: Who did the Buddha pretend to be? He was the Buddha...

---

Crews: I know you’re pretty sure you’re not pretending to be someone else. But maybe, Reese, maybe... you’re pretending to be yourself.
Dani: How could I pretend to be myself?
Crews: Maybe the Buddha was pretending to be the Buddha. That makes sense.

Crews: «Uncap the Sharpie?» By that he meant...
Dani: His Sharpie, Crews. He was planning on uncapping it.

Crews: Asian pear. Looks like an apple, but it’s not. Also known as a sand pear, apple pear, papple.
Dani: «Papple?»
Crews: Or bapple.

Zen Coach: ’What does it mean to take a life? It means that life is now yours. All that it was, all that it could’ve been. If you do not want it, then you should not take it.’

Crews: You were taking food from a dead guy’s shrine, so maybe you can help catch his killer.

Tidwell: Your buddy isn’t even in the ground and you’re moving on. Where’s your candle in the wind, pal?

--
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Re-Entry

Life 2x13

Dani: We are nowhere.
Crews: You can’t be nowhere. Because to be... You have to be... Somewhere. You can’t be nowhere.
Dani: We are nowhere.

Doctor: It’s an unusual request, Detective. Most people wouldn’t want to have the bullet that shot them.
Crews: Well, someone gave it to me. It’d be rude just to throw it away.

Tidwell: Detective, a moment. Not you, Detective. You, Detective...
Crews: Don’t you usually kiss Reese when you call her back like this?

Crews: Could you imagine seeing the world from up there? The Earth is floating. You are floating. Everything is floating.
Dani: I hear there’s a lot of barfing, and you crap into a vacuum.
Crews: Yeah, a floating vacuum.
Dani: A floating vacuum? You don’t even know what that means.
Crews: It’s space talk.

Crews: Hey, when I was unconscious, the President didn’t call me, did he?

---

Model Geek Girl: I have a Fokker.
Crews: Excuse me?
Model Geek Girl: A Fokker... It’s vintage. It’s what the Red Baron flew.
Dani: A model of what the Red Baron flew.

Crews: Dean said his job is Expended Resource Control and Distribution. Can you tell us what that means?
Breem: Waste removal.

Zen Coach: "When I wish to forgive another, what do I mean? I mean I wish to forgive myself. When I wish to harm another, what do I mean? I mean I wish to harm myself. Close your eyes... and think of the world as seen from space. From that distance, it is calm, silent. At peace. One.
Crews: Calm, silent. At peace... One.

Crews: I want to jump out of a plane.
Dani: Be a part of the air and one with the sky?..
Crews: No, I just want to jump out of a plane.
Dani: Oh!

Crews: What was that?
Bodner: Text message.
Crews: The call isn’t even a call anymore? It’s a text? I’m never catching up.

Dani: Anything else you don’t remember about that day?
Crews: If I don’t remember it, how would I know if I remembered or not? Unless I forgot to remember.

Ted: I was teaching a class on the nature of debt... We had a discussion.

--
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Trapdoor

Life 2x12

Dani: Just forget it. It’s not important.
Crews: No, it is. If it weren’t important, you wouldn’t say it’s not important. So it— it must be pretty important for you to say that it’s not important, right?

Dani: We got nothing on him. He could be russian, american, or anything in between.

Rachel: Do you know him?
Crews: Yeah. He’s my father...
Tidwell: You shot your father?

Bobby: He’s, um, the... the intruder seems to have gained access by breaking the window on the... kitchen door. You shot your own father?!

Tidwell: Looks like he broke in and you were well within your rights, but... he’s your father, so...

Dani: I’m gonna get back to those russian killings. And you can’t come.You know, because you just—
Crews: —shot my father.

Guard: You don’t even have a gun.
Crews: I had it taken away.
Dani: He shot his father.
Crews: I didn’t know it was him when I shot him. Still pretty messed up, I guess.

Roman: Detective Crews, I read in paper you shoot your own father.

Roman: Peek-a-boo. I see you.

Dani: ...Besides, I have my partner. You’re gonna give him his gun back, right?
Tidwell: I guess so. I mean, I have issues, but, uh, to shoot your own father?

Roman: Just the three of you? The new captain, the ex-con, and the junkie...

---

Bodner: Special agent Bodner, F.B.I.
Crews: Are you all special agents? Because if you’re all special, then none of you are really special then, right?

Bodner: You’re making a mistake here.
Crews: The Buddha said each mistake is a rebirth. Don’t you wanna get reborn, special agent Bodner? I know I wanna get reborn.

Huge Man: Don’t you worry. I’m in for three life terms. One for each murder.
Ted: You ever miss it?
Huge Man: What?
Ted: The world.
Huge Man: This is the world.
Ted: That sounds like something Charlie Crews would say...
Huge Man: That’s something Charlie Crews taught me.

Crews: Why do you kill the engineer?...

Crews: I like history too.

Crews: Why did the engineer have to die?... The russian tsars hired engineers to build security in their palaces. Walls, secret tunnels. When the work was done, the engineers knew all the secrets, so...
Dani: ...the engineer had to die.

Crews Sr.: How come your car is full of bullet holes? What does that mean, that you drive a car full of bullet holes? Is that even legal?

Dani: I... I need...
Crews: ...to know something?
Dani: Okay, don’t finish my sentences like I’m one of our suspects.
Crews: Okay, you finish it.

Ghost: Still hurts, don’t it? You would think here, it wouldn’t hurt. But it does. And that’s just messed up.

--
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Canyon Flowers

Life 2x11

Crews: Flower petals. Dianthus... I happen to know flowers.

Crews: You send flowers, it usually means one of two things. You’re really in love or you’re really sorry... Which one is it?

Crews: You get some real perspective when your head is down here...

---

Crews: Eight wives, 43 children...
Tidwell: Eight wives, all at the same time? That’s like 1,000 pounds of wife in the house. No wonder Hazlit was crazy.
Crews: I always thought I’d have a lot of kids. House full of noise... Chaos.

--
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Evil... and His Brother Ziggy

Life 2x10

Raybourn: It’s supposed to be my kids’ dog. But guess who cleans up his crap? If I clean up his crap, he’s my dog. So I tell my kids, «He’s my dog,» and they cried. So sad.

Raybourn: No hard feelings?
Crews: No hard feelings.
Raybourn: That’s your Zen thing, isn’t it?
Crews: Yeah. That’s my Zen thing.

Raybourn: It’s a plus-one ticket. You can bring a guest... That pretty ex-wife of yours. Or that convict roommate. Or that partner. I’d say she was hot...

Dani: The New York attitude I can handle... The three ex-wives who all love you, I can handle... The sleeping with a superior officer I can handle... And when you call yourself Tidwell, I can even handle that. But this hair... it has to go.

Crews: When people don’t know they’re humming, it usually means they’re happy.

Dani: I’m not happy. I’m in the desert.
Crews: I could live out here...
Dani: You could live out here? There’s no here, here.
Crews: All there is, is here, here. It’s...
Dani: It’s hot, it’s dry, it’s empty.

Crews: Money, guns and evil... And deer stew.

Crews: Hey, Reese. Do you know what this vegetable is? It’s kind of like a potato, but not. Like a not potato.

---

Dani: Our car’s gone.
Crews: Maybe evil took it.

Crews: First of all, I just want to say I’m very happy for you. You’re opening up, you seem to be, you know, admitting love or... Or something like love.

Crews: Hitchhiking is dangerous. Just say no to drugs! Stay in school!

Elena: Hello, police, please come in.
Dani: We’re looking for Eval.
Elena: Of course. Eval is waiting for you.
Dani: It’s just a name, right?

Tidwell: Dude, the guy’s name is Eval. You’ll have your warrant in the morning.

Dani: Did you just call me dude?

Crews: ..... White people.

Tidwell: You don’t take a bribe for one of two reasons. One, because you’re an honest cop. Or two, because someone made you a better offer.
Capt. Whitehat: New York, right?

Tidwell: I never met the deputy. Didn’t know him.

Crews: Mmm, deer stew. Always better a few days later.

--
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Badge Bunny

Life 2x9

Dani: Those are badge numbers.
Crews: They’re LAPD badge numbers... And these grades. B plus, B, B minus, A minus. Kendall Shay dated and rated L.A. Cops. She’s a cop groupie.
Tidwell: Badge bunny... What? You don’t use that term out here?

Dani: There a bird that mates for life?
Crews: Parrot, I think. Or the goose.
Dani: I hate birds.

Off Duty Cop: Oh, I haven’t seen a girl cop here when the bunnies are around.
Dani: Did you just say girl cop?
Off Duty Cop: Hey, if you’re a girl cop, does that mean there are lesbo badge bunnies?
Dani: Did you just say lesbo?
Off Duty Cop: Isn’t that the word, «lesbo»?

Crews: I’d like to come to my own wake...
Dani: Then you’d be dead.
Crews: Except for that part. Just to see who’d show up. See what they’d say...

Ted: Why... is it wrong... to charge $50 for a bottle of water?
Olivia: Because business isn’t just about money. It’s also about people. How we treat each other as people.

Blonde Badge Bunny: We eat, sleep, and breathe law enforcement.

Tidwell: Oh, I think this might be too much gun for a little gal like you.
Dani: Did you just call me gal?
Tidwell: Gal? No, no. I said «cal... ifornia woman.»

---

Crews: Can you tell the good from the bad?
Blonde Badge Bunny: Yeah, we can.
Crews: How?
Blonde Badge Bunny: Okay. It’s all about taste... You’re a good cop.
Kristie: Mm... good cop.
Cathy: ...Definitely good cop.

Ted: Charlie... There are naked women in the pool.

Dani: Fluffy?
Justin Tapp: What should I name him, Kimba?
Crews: Kimba was a lion.
Tidwell: That was Simba.
Crews: Kimba was first.

Dani: We know she was a school teacher. We know she loved cops. We know she had no history with narcotics.
Crews: Fig?
Dani: You want me to eat that?
Crews: It’s the sweetest of all fruits. 55% sugar. You know it’s a fig that the snake offered to Eve?
Dani: The snake?
Crews: Most people think it was an apple. It wasn’t. It might not even have been a snake. Just some kind of serpent that led her astray.

Crews: It is not what we carry with us, but what we let go that defines who we are.

Crews: My partner has a super power. You wanna guess what it is?
Alex Lauer: Does she fly?
Crews: No, tragically. Not anymore. But you’re getting warm.

Crews: Kidnapping? What does that really mean? We’re not kids. No one’s napping.

--
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Black Friday

Life 2x8

Crews: If yesterday was Thanksgiving and today is Christmas, what’s tomorrow?
Dani: Saturday.

Crews: Are we going to exchange gifts? You know, Christmas gifts? Some small token of partnership?

Dani: Fell from up there someplace.
Crews: Yeah, but fell slipped, fell pushed, or fell jumped?

Bobby: The body’s gone?
Dani: The body’s gone.
Crews: It’s a miracle. A genuine miracle.

Tidwell: All right, k9, you find the body. You find the killer, and I’m going to everything-on-a-stick to find some breakfast.

Crews: Oh, I found out a lot of things. I found out you really can’t get everything at everything-on-a-stick. You can get papaya. Which some people think tastes like barf. I don’t.

Crews: He says they’re fighting about fruitcake. There’s no fight about fruitcake.
Dani: Everyone hates fruitcake.
Crews: It’s fruit and it’s cake. What’s not to like?
Dani: That it’s the heaviest substance known to man?

Crews: ... Bad elf.

Jennifer: I loved you, Charlie. So much.
Crews: I loved you too, jen.

Dani: They swear he’s not dead.
Tidwell: This is why we like to have a body in these situations. It helps keep things simple.

---

Dani: Are you liking that?
Crews: There is a distinct possibility that this isn’t fruit or cake...

Crews: They mean it when they say he’s not dead.
Tidwell: So... he’s risen? He’s Elvis?

Tidwell: What?
Dani: Don’t you «what» me!
Tidwell: Back me up on this, Crews.
Crews: I’m gonna be Switzerland here.
Tidwell: They had nazi gold!

Crews: If you run, you’ll only die tired.

Tidwell: You know something? You look a lot bigger from the side.

Crews: Are the FBI investigating him or protecting him?
Bodner: Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference.

Crews: Tropical fruit?
Bodner: It’s the only kind I chew.

--
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Jackpot

Life 2x7

Crews: Studies show 80% of all lottery winners regret ever having won it.
Tidwell: You just made that up.
Crews: No. It’s the truth.
Tidwell: Then the truth is stupid.
Crews: Could the truth be stupid?

Tidwell: The heart wants what the heart wants.

Dani: You’re climbing his fence to do it?
Crews: Yeah. I was first in my fence climbing class at Pelican Bay. Failed out of tunneling, though. You ever try to dig with a spoon? Tough stuff.

---

Crews: I do that, too... Tell a total stranger the absolute truth. It helps sometimes.

Tidwell: ...you don’t want to talk to me about it, which is okay because, I mean, I look at myself sometimes in the mirror, and I say, if I wasn’t me, I wouldn’t want to talk to me either, you know.

Tidwell: Come on, I’ll make it easy on you. I’ll concede to your list of demands.
Dani: How could you possibly know what my demands are?
Tidwell: Oh, it’s easy. To go to dinner with me... public place, well lit, someplace no one you know will see you with me, no bar, no sex talk, no use of the word «sex.» Am I close? I’m close, right?

--
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Did You Feel That?

Life 2x6

Zen Coach: Chasing after the world brings only chaos. Allowing it to come to be, brings only peace. Retreat from the world, and it shall pursue you. To exist, to allow the world to exist, all things at once, all things as one, this is the path to serenity, to balance. See yourself as part of the world—

Dani: You having a moment?
Crews: Mmm.
Dani: I know every moment is now, but now we’re 10 minutes late.

Crews: Did you feel that?
Dani: Does someone always have to say that? I’m standing right next to you. Yes. I felt that.

Crews: Did you feel that?

Capt. Tidwell: Ooh, two psychos killing each other. You know what that is? That’s a civic improvement project, okay?

Capt. Tidwell: Did you feel that?

---

Capt. Tidwell: Is he okay? What are you thinking?
Crews: I’m thinking that when I woke up today, I wasn’t thinking that I’d have to kill somebody.
Dani: Now you think you have to?
Crews: No. Now I think I want to.
Capt. Tidwell: Okay, see, as your commanding officer, I hear something like that, I have to take your weapon. So it’s a good thing I didn’t hear that.

Dani: When did Tins get so smart?
Crews: Prison gives you a lot of time for self improvement...

Zen Coach: The greatest mistake is to be continually fearful of making one...

Zen Coach: The Buddha was asked if he ever made mistakes... He answered, I am making a mistake... even now. Nothing more.

Ted: Don’t say it’s the pencil talking because it’s not the pencil talking. It’s me talking.

Dani: What?
Capt. Tidwell: What?

Crews: Did you feel that?

--
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Crushed

Life 2x5

Ted: Where you gonna start?
Crews: With the woman.

Capt. Tidwell: Well, let me tell you something, there’s no her. And there is no Bethany, okay? There is a 13-year-old member of the marching band with an online account and a social disorder.
Dani: And you played the...
Capt. Tidwell: Trombone. And I was good.

---

Ted: Okay, uh, first day... no problem. Nobody shows up, I’ll deal with it. Every rejection is a step forward. Just get to «yes.»...

Capt. Tidwell: Wow, there really is a Bethany. I’ve gotta rethink a lot of things.

--
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Not for Nothing

Life 2x4

Ted: That was your partner. She says there’s a dead guy. She wants to know if you’d like to, uh, catch who killed him.

Crews: Oh, yeah. Kind of freaky-deeky.

Dani: «Freakin’ gooey head?»
Crews: He was just asking if I was okay. And I am. It’s a crime scene.
Dani: And we are detectives.
Crews: Then let us detect.

Capt. Tidwell: Wife number?
Henry: One... and only. I just want her back.
Capt. Tidwell: I got this, guys.... Yeah, the first one’s the toughest. That’s the one that usually leaves you. Let me show you something... Mia. Carly. Jasmine. Number three usually has a name like that. Amber, Jasmine, Jade. You’ll see.

Capt. Tidwell: First wives are like chicken pox. You gotta go through ’em when you’re young. If you wait till you’re older, you wind up sterile.

---

Crews: A guy who knows computers and prisons. What are the odds?
Dani: Oh, that fella that lives in your garage.
Crews: Ted is on parole and he lives in a room above the garage. And if he comes down here, don’t bring that stuff up. He’s very sensitive about it.

Henry: She was the best thing that ever happened to me!
Capt. Tidwell: No, she wasn’t. She was the first.

Capt. Tidwell: No bullets. I don’t leave loaded guns lying around.
Davis: Then why did we—
Capt. Tidwell: Because sometimes a guy’s just gotta talk.

Prof. Halliday: They couldn’t walk out because they accepted the idea they were supposed to be in here. I never locked anything. You don’t need locks for a prison. Just prisoners.

Bobby: Look, detectives. I’m no detective, but I gotta ask... Who exactly is the killer?

Crews: The first three years will be the hardest. But just because you’re in there, you don’t have to be there. You can go somewhere else.

--
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The Business of Miracles

Life 2x3

Crews: He used oxygen to stay alert?

Brenford: Cancer drugs.... We’re in the business of miracles.
Crews: I saw that commercial... The moth on the cotton ball.
Brenford: It’s a butterfly on a cloud.
Crews: Oh, okay. Now I get it.

Crews: Frozen.... solid.
Dani: .... Do you have to touch everything?

Dani: They’re wearing people...
Crews: Just dead people.
Dani: It’s The Texas Chain Saw Massacre.

---

Capt. Tidwell: ...Then the assistant is your killer. Human nature. Men and women working together always end up banging. And most people are killed by the person they’re banging.
Dani: Well, that’s just not true.
Capt. Tidwell: Yeah, it is. It’s a fact. Come on, Crews, back me up on this.
Crews: Well, you two work together. When you have sex, who’s gonna kill who?
Dani: If I have sex with him, you’re gonna kill me immediately.
Crews: She’s an aggressive female.

Crews: «I hate you. We have to stop... But I can’t stop. I never want to stop.»
Dani: Is that a love letter or hate mail?
Capt. Tidwell: Love and hate, both four-letter words.

Crews: Betsy-Deborah. If you have sex with a woman with two names, does that...
Dani: No, it doesn’t count as a threesie.

Crews: Anybody else think this is weird?

Crews: Start with the corners...
Capt. Tidwell: You’re joking, right? They’re all corners.

Crews: You guys see that? She was here, right? You saw her, hit me?

--
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Everything... All the Time

Life 2x2

Crews: I’m gonna tell you a secret... My partner over there never lets me drive the car. Never. Nunca. Can you tell me your secret, Elsa?

Dani: How come when you want to get a kid to talk, you always make fun of me?
Crews: I do? Do I?

Crews: I do it because children seem to enjoy it.... When I make fun of you. Because they think you’re uptight.
Dani: I am— I am— I am no uptight.

Dani: You know, just because I don’t say everything that pops into my head does not make me uptight.
Crews: I didn’t say you’re uptight. I said kids think you’re uptight. Though kids are tough to fool about that. Kids are notoriously tough to fool.

Capt. Tidwell: Why aren’t you bringing these kids in for questioning?
Crews: On what charge?
Capt. Tidwell: You guys don’t plant evidence around here?

---

Dr. James: My hourly rate is competitive...
Dani: $450 an hour?
Dr. James: For a 50-minute hour,yes.
Crews: How can it be an hour if it’s 50 minutes? That’s messing with time. I do say everything that pops into my head. Maybe I should come back. If I wanted to make an appointment,who should I call?

Dani: «Everything, all the time.» That’s what he said. That’s what these kids think they can have.
Crews: Everything, all the time...

Dani: You really think when it comes down to it, they’re gonna be there for you?
Crews: You’re the help. Just like us.

Crews: A shrink who’s been having sex with her patient’s boyfriend. How’s that gonna play out in front of a jury?
Dani: Everything, all the time.

Crews: This car’s just an object. Objects have no meaning. They don’t. They don’t.

--
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