Yes, It's Really Us Singing: The Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Concert Special!

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend 4×18

♪ West Covina ♪
♪ California ♪
♪ In my soul I feel a fire ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm headed for the pride of the Inland Empire— ♪

♪ Actually, it's not in the Inland Empire ♪
♪ It's in the San Gabriel Valley ♪
♪ I should have taken five seconds to Google that ♪
♪ Before I wrote the first song of the television show ♪

♪ I'm hopelessly ♪
♪ Desperately in love with ♪
♪ Everybody ♪

Rachel Bloom: We are so excited to present to you just some of the 157 songs that we... I know, I know... Uh, from the Crazy Ex-Girlfriend songbook.

Rachel Bloom: Now, uh, because this whole concert has to air in 42 minutes on The CW, we have to be very expeditious, so I am going to both introduce the show and change into my next outfit...

Rachel Bloom: And now... I am changed. Coming up is a song that manages to be both feminist and anti-feminist at the same time.
Gabrielle Ruiz: Here's your jacket, bitch!

♪ Let's generalize about men ♪
♪ Let's generalize about men ♪
♪ Let's take one bad thing ♪
♪ About one man ♪
♪ And apply it to all of them ♪

♪ I'm a good person, yes, it's true ♪
♪ I'm a good person, better than you ♪
♪ I'm a good person, can't you see? ♪
♪ Doctors Without Borders don't have nothing on me ♪

♪ I'm a good person, that's my thing ♪
♪ My nickname is Mother Teresa Luther King ♪
♪ I'm a good person, get it straight ♪
♪ And when I say "good" ♪
♪ I really mean "great" ♪

Donna Lynne Champlin: I got the pretty dress, y'all.

Pete Gardner: So how about we show a little bi pride, huh?

♪ When I was a little girl ♪
♪ I felt like a princess ♪
♪ So naive and full of hope ♪
♪ I thought my dreams would come true ♪
♪ But then as I grew ♪
♪ The world was all like ♪
♪ "Nope" ♪

♪ Maybe this dream ♪
♪ Won't lead to disgrace ♪
♪ Maybe this dream ♪
♪ Is in reach ♪
♪ Maybe this dream ♪
♪ Won't poop on my face ♪
♪ Like a seagull ♪
♪ At the beach ♪

Pete Gardner: So how about we show a little bi pride, huh?

♪ I'm g-g-g-g-gettin' bi ♪
♪ I'm gettin' bi ♪
♪ I'm gettin' bi, I'm gettin' bi ♪
♪ It doesn't take an intellectual ♪
♪ To get that I'm bisexual. ♪

Rachel Bloom: This is a metaphor for something, but I don't know what.

Rachel Bloom: And so we here at Crazy Sex-Girlfriend... ha! We've prepared for you a little... sex medley.

♪ Strip away my conscience ♪
♪ Peel away my values ♪
♪ Rip off my compassion with your teeth ♪
♪ Pound away my morals ♪
♪ Spank off all my kindness, ooh! ♪

Rachel Bloom: Michael, no, that song was about pleasing a woman.
Michael McMillian: What's a woman?

---

Rachel Bloom: Oh, boy. This might not be the right time to... do this medley. Unless you want to have...

♪ Period sex ♪
♪ Period sex ♪
♪ Put down a towel ♪
♪ Party till it's dry ♪
♪ With some period sex ♪

Scott Michael Foster: Speaking of getting off...

♪ I don't know what happened ♪
♪ Maybe you lost some water weight ♪
♪ For some reason, you're now on the top of my to-do list ♪
♪ Let's get this over with ♪
♪ So I can focus on other tasks ♪
♪ Let's have intercourse ♪
♪ Just pretend I'm seducing you ♪

Gabrielle Ruiz: You guys, you guys, we all know the most important part of yoga is the instructor. So let us take it back to season one Valencia, bitches.

♪ We're in a yoga class ♪
♪ Now is the time to let your mind go blank ♪
♪ And focus instead ♪
♪ On how awesome the yoga teacher is ♪
♪ Look at me, look at me ♪
♪ I'm so good at yo-o-o-oga ♪

♪ I do stuff with my body ♪
♪ That no human should be able to do ♪
♪ Like putting my face behind my knees ♪
♪ Turning my hands into a shoe ♪
♪ As the morning sun kisses the lotus ♪
♪ I kiss my own hoo-ha, can you do that? ♪
♪ Greet each day, namaste ♪
♪ Screw you, you're fat! ♪

Vella Lovell: So, no. So, Rachel, I'm actually not a musical theater person at all. Um, actually, singing and dancing makes me V uncomfortable, so... Oh, okay, Adam. Uh, guess you could just force me to sing a song that I don't want to...

♪ What does the future hold? ♪
♪ What will tomorrow... ♪
♪ Bring me... ♪

♪ In my life, I've had so many men ♪
♪ But there's one I come back to again and again ♪
♪ We've been on and off ♪
♪ For such a long time ♪
♪ And now he's back ♪
♪ And I'm feeling oh, so fine ♪

♪ You ruined everything ♪
♪ You stupid bitch ♪
♪ You ruined everything ♪
♪ You stupid, stupid bitch ♪
♪ You're just a lying little bitch who ruins things ♪
♪ And wants the world to burn ♪
♪ Bitch ♪

Danny Jolles: This is it. It's finally my turn.
♪ It's me ♪
♪ It's finally me ♪
♪ And no one can say a word ♪
♪ 'Cause this time, I stood up for myself ♪
♪ And I'll finally be heard ♪
♪ Danny won't be ignored ♪
♪ Danny won't be interrupted ♪
♪ Because this time, oh, my God ♪
♪ I finally get to fini... ♪
Danny Jolles: What? Son of a... Come on!

♪ Anti-depressants are so not a big deal ♪
♪ Big whoop, you're on an anti-depressant ♪
♪ Sweet cheeks, here's the deal ♪
♪ Welcome to the club with open admission ♪
♪ You're cast in the play that has no audition ♪
♪ Yes, everyone is special, that's usually the sitch ♪
♪ But when it comes to meds, you're such a basic bitch... ♪
Dr. Akopian: Watch them tap, y'all, they're fabulous.

♪ Anti-depressants ♪
♪ Are so common ♪
♪ That taking them is all we have in common. ♪

--
On the IMDb

I'm in Love

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend 4×17

Rebecca: I know I'm making the right decision.
Paula: You're gonna share your true love with the whole world. And it doesn't get any bigger than that.

Paula: And hey, enjoy this moment. It took a long time to get here...

Rebecca: An answer? Oh, thank God. You usually want me to figure things out on my own, which I think is such a waste of money.

Rebecca: Clearly, I'm not happy in any of these futures. Why?
Dr. Akopian: I don't know. Do you know?

Alternative Rebecca: You do love them. The problem is, you don't know who you are.

Bert: Well, maybe take a break. Like a sabbatical.
Darryl: Oh, that's a great idea. I've always wanted to go to Israel... Don't sabbaticals have to do with Israel? Well, I mean the word "sabbath" and "rabbi" are both in there.

Rebecca: So, just now, I was in the bathroom, and I was asleep on the toilet...
Paula: Multitasking. Smart.

Rebecca: 11 o'clock is a significant time. If we were in a musical, this is where I would perform my big 11 o'clock number... An 11 o'clock number is a big showstopping number with some sort of thematic revelation, and it usually happens around 11:00 p.m., because shows used to start at 8:30, but now they start earlier for some reason.
Paula: Uh, okay.

Rebecca: Oh, good, an abstract theatrical space. Now I can actually think.

---

♪ West Covina, California, brand new pals and new career ♪
♪ I admitted that's where Josh lived ♪
♪ And that's what brought me here, 'cause I was ♪
♪ Just a girl in love ♪
♪ Didn't want to be held responsible for my actions ♪

♪ I had many underlying issues to address ♪
♪ And I did and didn't want to be crazy ♪
♪ No, wait, I didn't did want to be crazy ♪
♪ To clarify, I got a diagnosis ♪
♪ A diagnosis ♪

♪ It's 11 o'clock ♪
♪ 11 o'clock ♪
♪ I need to end this song ♪
♪ But I don't know how ♪

♪ But you're still a poopy little slut ♪
♪ Who lives in a dream ♪
♪ And doesn't know how to love ♪
♪ This whole journey's been a crock ♪

♪ In case you can't tell time ♪
♪ It's still 11 o'clock. ♪

Rebecca: Damn, Paula. That was bad-ass.

Rebecca: Good-bye, Josh Chan.

Nathaniel: Ah. Huh. Uh, based on your words, tone, and body language, I'm guessing... we're not riding off into the sunset on the horses I rented, are we?
Rebecca: There are horses? Where are the horses?

Nathaniel: You don't have to explain. You only get one life. And you got to live that the way you want... I think everyone deserves that.

Rebecca: When I stare off into space... I'm imagining myself in a musical number. That's how I sometimes see big moments in my life, as musical numbers. And because I do that, so does the show. And by show, I mean the very popular BPD workbook acronym, "Simply Having Omniscient Wishes." So, yeah, I... I see myself in these songs.

Paula: These songs in your head, you have to write them down! That's how you do it!

Rebecca: This is a song I wrote...

--
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I Have a Date Tonight

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend 4×16

Rebecca: See? Perfection is an illusion.

Rebecca: I've retired from stalking, but you never lose the skills.

Dr. Akopian: Rebecca, as long as you stay grounded and present and open...
Rebecca: I think I can be all those things, yeah.
Dr. Akopian: Then I don't think there's any big harm in it.

Rebecca: Bunch and Akops, back together again!

Nathaniel: What? No. What can you do with $50? Park?

Greg: I do nothing. That's my special charm.

Valencia: Kevin's new breakfast specials are a huge hit. Take one dollar off anything, people lose their minds.

Darryl: Ooh, I don't have cash, but I do have Swiss francs... I always carry them with me. In case the economy collapses.

Valencia: I've spent so much time and energy on Rebecca's drama, the least I can do is make money off of it.

Paula: Let me sign up for something easy, like paper plates and plastic cutlery...
Louise: Are you out of your mind? Do you really think plastic cutlery is still available?! I got here this morning at 9:00, and I had to sign up to make kosher scones. Yeah. One Jew on our team, and I have to bake under the supervision of a rabbi.

Paula: "Salmon for 60"?!?!

Rebecca: Here I am, and I am staying grounded and realistic.

---

Greg: I can't plan romantic things. I'm terrible at contrived stuff. I can't even sing "Happy Birthday." Other people sing it and I go, "Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah" because I find it so embarrassing. So, I can't do that.

Paula: She says... "It was perfect."

Paula: It says... "It was heaven."

Greg: That's it? I-I thought you were gonna give me more of a song and dance.
Bernie: From me? No, no, no, never..... Okay. Well, Th-there is one other thing. It's... J-Just a word of warning.
Greg: Warning?
Bernie: ♪ There's no ♪
♪ Bathroom, there's no bathroom ♪
♪ If she needs to use the bathroom ♪
♪ Tell her that there is no bathroom ♪
♪ Please don't pee in my balloon ♪
♪ This may be a bit more bumpy than a plane ride ♪
♪ Or a taxi, but I promise it is worth it ♪
♪ And your lady, she will swoon! ♪

Bernie: ♪ Please don't poop in my balloon! ♪
Greg: I wasn't planning on it.
Bernie: You know, it's-it's happened a couple times, and, uh, it's a nightmare. Ugh. Very hard to get poop out of wicker.

Rebecca: Follow what's in my heart?! What kind of therapist advice is that?

♪ Love is a game, love is a game ♪
♪ But I've never enjoyed playing any sort of game ♪
♪ I hate round objects ♪
♪ Flying at my head ♪

Greg: Do I like chilaquiles?
Rebecca: Yeah, of course you do, with the Verde.

Greg: Hey. You're the love of my life. You know that, right?
Rebecca: Well, I do now.

--
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I Need to Find My Frenemy

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend 4×15

Other Rebecca: Asparagus is my enemy.

Rebecca: I thought it would make me happy. What am I supposed to do now?

Rebecca: I talk to butter. It's a thing.

Rebecca: It's weird, because as frustrated and confused as I am, I feel like I'm close to something. I just... I just need to fight through the confusion and focus and not get distracted by the things that normally blow me off course.

Paula: I love you. You are beautiful. Almost as beautiful as your suit. I love that suit.

Rebecca: I just can't believe this is still happening. It's-it's so painful and exhausting.
AJ: Yeah, I get it. It sucks. You have three gorgeous men to choose from.

Darryl: ... Also, "amazing in the sack."
AJ: That seems to be a constant.
Rebecca: Yes, I've been blessed with gifted lovers. Well, to be fair, I've taught them well.

Rebecca: Maybe it is Greg. Maybe it is Nathaniel. Maybe it is Josh. Oh, my God. This is just... This is terrible.

♪ I thought all this drama was back in my past ♪
♪ Joke's on you, bitch ♪
♪ You'll never be free. ♪

AJ: I'm asking you nicely to get out of my kitchen. This is how customers get meningitis.

---

♪ Slow motion, slow motion ♪
♪ We walkin' in the room in slow motion ♪
♪ Slow motion, slow motion ♪
♪ That's how cool we feel ♪

♪ Oh, my God, we're so hot ♪
♪ Even blinking looks amazing ♪

♪ Don't have bills to pay ♪
♪ In slow motion ♪
♪ Problems go away ♪
♪ In slow motion ♪
♪ If you're stressed, why not take a trip ♪
♪ To 48 frames per second? ♪

Rebecca: Audra, this is crazy.
Audra Levine: You can't call me crazy, 'cause when you call me crazy, you're just calling me in love. Blam!

Paula: Deal me in, douchebags.

♪ We're back in more slow motion, slow motion ♪
♪ All eyes on us in slow motion ♪
♪ Are they envious or is it just weird ♪
♪ That we're five people walking in a row ♪
♪ Wearing very similar suits? ♪
♪ Maybe they think we're in a sexy cult ♪
♪ Or flight attendants for five different airlines. ♪

♪ ..... To this JAP ♪
Rebecca: Which does stand for Jewish-American Princess, a term that, on one hand, does reinforce negative, negative stereotypes about both Jews and women, but, on the other hand, is a term that we want to reclaim and own. Also, should acknowledge that me saying "dap to this JAP" is appropriative and a little problematic, if we're being honest.
Audra Levine: Yep.

Rebecca: Good-bye, Audra.

Josh Chan: Hey.
Nathaniel: Hi.
Greg: I guess "sup" is the only greeting that hasn't been used yet.

Josh Chan: W-W-We're proposing you go on three dates with three guys.
Rebecca: Nine dates? I mean, that's... that's such a weird number.

--
On the IMDb
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I'm Finding My Bliss

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend 4×14

Other Rebecca: I have the Benjamin Button disease. I'm 70!

Rebecca: I think it can make me happy. Truly happy.
Valencia: But what if it doesn't? And I'm telling you from experience, sometimes the thing or person you think will make you happy... doesn't.
Rebecca: Nah.

Connie: Singing: zero. Commitment: a million.

Josh Chan: Okay, I get it. You're maybe not the world's most flawless singer... I-I can hook you up with lessons with Aunt Myrna.

Rebecca: All right, I know we shouldn't hold these classic songs up to our modern standards, but, God, this whole song is just so problematic. You know? It plays right into the Madonna-whore complex and manages to say that a woman belongs in a kitchen.
Josh Chan: Huh.

Rebecca: What if these classic musical theater songs that I've loved for so many years and kind of based my life on are... bad?

Rebecca: Connie, listen, these are just little tweaks to make it a little more modern. For instance, instead of singing, "But that don't lead to walking down the aisle," I only sing, "But I need mutual respect when I walk down the aisle."

Rebecca: Wow. You're choosing to stay in West Covina? By choice?

--
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I Have to Get Out

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend 4×13

♪ So let's go back to Other Rebecca. ♪
Other Rebecca: I own 15 ferrets!

Josh Chan: Rebecca is simply my friend, who needs a hand in her time of heart attacks and antidepressants.

Rebecca: I've always been afraid of going on antidepressants, but also it kind of feels like a cop-out to me. You know, like I should've been able to tough it out on my own. I just... I feel a little ashamed.

♪ Antidepressants are so not a big deal ♪
♪ Big whoop, you're on an antidepressant ♪
♪ Take two, with or without a meal ♪

Rebecca: You know what? It's fine. Honestly, AJ, I'm just really happy to be alive and semi-healthy and finally on meds, so... So what if I don't have a dream? Maybe I'll find one. Maybe I won't. But I have a lot of life ahead of me...

Paula: They only give the bar exam twice a year. And if I have learned anything from this horrible heart attack experience, it's that I could literally die at any second. So I have no time to waste.

---

Greg: ....And flowers are already dying by the time you buy them, so you're basically handing a loved one a bag of remains.

Cough Boy: I'm a cough boy! I'm a little cough boy!

♪ Oh ♪
♪ Real-life fighting is awkward... ♪
♪ It's not like movie fighting ♪
♪ There are no cool sound effects ♪
♪ You often hurt yourself ♪
♪ More than you hurt the other guy ♪
♪ Even if you know karate ♪
♪ You have to both agree to use karate... ♪
♪ It can't just be one guy using karate ♪
♪ There's not a lot of leaping ♪
♪ You don't have the presence of mind to leap ♪
♪ And there's no choreographer ♪
♪ Keeping things from looking awkward... ♪

Chloe: Hey, should we Gram this moment? I'll Gram, you're tagged. Let's just start there.
Madison: Fizzy.

Nathaniel: ...one of the things I learned is, the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference.

--
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I Need a Break

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend 4×12

Other Rebecca: I lived in a wall for eight months.

Greg: You know, holding hands is a strange concept. If you think about it, it actually makes more sense to hold someone's elbow. Less sweaty, less germy, and the elbow gets so little love otherwise, you know?

Rebecca: I have an idea. A notion. A concept. Une idée folle.
Greg: The last time you said that, you wanted to look into my eyes for 20 minutes straight.
Rebecca: I know. Wasn't that great? I got to know your eyes so well. I could draw your eyes with my eyes closed.

Rebecca: I know you don't like water parks or amusement parks or... parks, but you've never been to one with me.
Greg: Uh, yeah. I don't know though. Groups of people having fun and enjoying themselves, it's-it's not my thing.

Paula: Oh, I napped once. It was 1983...

Dr. Akopian: How's group therapy?
Rebecca: Haven't needed it. I have it all under control. I have that darkness under control.

Dr. Akopian: I'm worried you're gonna backslide.
Rebecca: Let's go on a slide backwards.

Greg: ♪ The smell of the water, kids screaming with joy ♪
             ♪ I've hated crap like that since I was a boy ♪
             ♪ While everyone was laughing and having so much fun ♪
             ♪ I would mutter "this sucks" till the day was done ♪

♪ I hate the feeling of the sun when it hits my skin ♪
♪ I hate when people post pictures ♪
♪ With the hashtag "mood" ♪
♪ I hate when people call blueberries a super-food ♪

♪ I hate when people ask me if I'd ever get a tattoo ♪
♪ Hate combination conditioner and shampoo ♪
♪ I hate doing the wave at a baseball game ♪
♪ I hate couples with a cutesy couple name ♪
♪ I hate when someone says a joke ♪
♪ And someone else says "zing" ♪

♪ I hate when people say they're going "off the grid" ♪
♪ I hate models who just happen to date quarterbacks ♪
♪ I hate the phrase "Love conquers all" ♪
♪ And I hate that it's true ♪

Greg: ♪ Oh, yes, I hate everything ♪
           ♪ But you ♪

---

Rebecca: Why don't we do this. Let's just take off our clothes and see what happens.

Paula: ...And stop staring at me.
Scott: Well, it's hard, because you look like you just crawled out of a grave, and that is visually intriguing always.

Josh Chan: Okay, you're-you're drunk. You've been drinking. You must have had, like, three drinks tonight. You know you can't drink like that. You're Jewish.

Rebecca: I was just so happy for a second, and... I legit thought I could get away with not doing any of the stuff... It's like I did squats every day for a year, and now I just want to eat doughnuts for the rest of my life and never go back to the gym but still have a great butt forever, you know?
Dr. Shin: Yeah. I do know. I work out my butt three times a week. You think I like squats?

Paula: Wait, what? ICU? N-No, I-I can't go there now. I got stuff to do.
Cool, then put "dropping dead" on your to-do list for today.

Rebecca: Paula, what were you doing? You walked around being so sick for so many hours, toughing it out on your own. You know you don't have to do that.
Paula: I just... I didn't have time to be sick.
Rebecca: Okay, no one has time to be sick.

Rebecca: You have to take better care of yourself.
Paula: I know that now.
Rebecca: Promise me that you will do everything the doctors want you to do.
Paula: Um, yeah, but they don't want me to do anything. They just want me to lie here for a couple days. And it's-it's not just a onetime thing. They're saying I gotta take better care of myself for life. Like salads. He used the word "salads," Rebecca. Without the word "potato" in front of it.

Paula: I mean, salads are just piles of sandwich with no bread.

Rebecca: It's not great... but you have to do what they want you to do. Okay, even if it is tough and tiring and exhausting... like a salad. Because, also, like a salad, there are croutons and bacon bits to look forward to.

--
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I'm Almost Over You

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend 4×11

Greg: Should we be kissing in public?
Rebecca: Oh. No, you're right. Let me think. Is that wise? But the more important question is: Do I care?... Truly don't care.

Paula: Romantic and fun? You guys talking about romantic comedies? You looking for one to watch? I'm an expert... To make your selection a little easier, here are your genres. You have your witty British ones... Your workplace empowerment movies... Your bro-y ones where men wax things and live on boats... And my personal favorite, the late-middle-aged fantasies where all the women wear white cashmere turtlenecks and have fantastic kitchens.

Paula: "Likes them"? Uh, Rebecca loves them. Especially the ones with some kind of powerless, nerdy underdog with a wacky best friend who feels invisible but then comes up with a scheme. And then the underdog makes a big, grand gesture and wins the person of their dreams.

Nathaniel: There's just one problem. We're uggos. We're trag'. We're-we're before pictures. We're basically invisible.

Nathaniel: You ready?
Maya: Okay. We've got nothing to lose. Except everything. Let's do this.

♪ We're both off-key ♪
♪ But it's the part of the film ♪
♪ That everyone likes ♪
♪ It's our gratuitous ♪
♪ Karaoke moment ♪
♪ We sound really bad, but look, we're starting to sway ♪
♪ Gratuitous karaoke moment ♪
♪ Ooh, how 'bout we flirt in a performative way ♪

---

♪ Sadly, the film does not improve after this ♪
♪ Gratuitous karaoke moment ♪
♪ In ten years, you realize this scene doesn't hold up ♪
♪ But you'll still sing this song at karaoke ♪
♪ And no one will care, 'cause no one actually likes ♪
♪ Watching other people sing. ♪

Tim: Here you are, sir... The sixth book in the series. It's called The Girl with the Face Full of Fire. It's about adult cystic acne.

Tim: I was about to give up, but at the last minute, I ran into a Swedish friend who translates the books into English, and he told me that the original author died after writing the first three books, and another writer wrote the next two books, and there is a new manuscript. And voilà. Or, as the Swedes like to say, "Varsagod."

Nathaniel: Sure, we're an unexpected couple. You're short, I'm tall. You're quirky, I'm really not. I know the world thinks people like us shouldn't be together, that we don't belong together, but we do. We're that mismatched couple from different worlds that can make it.

Nathaniel: I got to let you go. Because you're happy, right? You're happy with Greg?

Leonard: Get my steak ready, Emily Blunt.

--
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I Can Work with You

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend 4×10

Other Rebecca: I've never felt loved.

Rebecca: I call it the Hot Mess. This epitomizes how I feel right now, which is confusion over no matter how hard I try in my life, it always ends up a steaming hot mess.

Rebecca: It's supposed to taste bad. It's bad, like my life.

Darryl: Everyone is a baby person. All you need to do is sniff her head.

Josh Chan: Okay, uh, okay, this is, um, three names. Uh, first one is a, uh, creature in an animated movie about a cat, and last name is... another movie, uh, not animated, uh, about a guy who's super smart and... speaks in an accent.
Nathaniel: Uh... what?
Josh Chan: Well, it says "Oliver Wendell Holmes."
Nathaniel: That's a Supreme Court justice!
Josh Chan: No one knows that.
Nathaniel: No one knows who plays a creature in an animated movie.
Josh Chan: Yeah, they do. It's called Oliver & Company, so... Oliver.

---

♪ Sometimes when we watch sports ♪
♪ We get sad ♪
♪ And we make it seem like we're sad about the sports ♪
♪ But we're not really crying about the game at all ♪
♪ Who really cares about a game of basketball? ♪
♪ We're sad ♪
♪ About our dads ♪
♪ We couldn't talk to our dads ♪
♪ Unless we used ♪
♪ Sports analogies ♪

♪ We're American men ♪
♪ We like all sports except for soccer ♪
♪ 'Cause soccer's just a bunch ♪
♪ Of foreigners runnin' around ♪
♪ Yeah! ♪

Rebecca: I was... in the middle of a shame spiral. Which isn't just a me thing. That's a thing that happens with my disorder, BPD. Um, and basically, it's what you saw. I can spiral out about things, in this case... oh, my fear that everyone hates me and that I'm a contagious plague in the form of a woman, even though intellectually I know that I'm not. .... I just, I need to make sure that I'm not relying on your feelings for my own sense of self-worth.

Rebecca: ♪ Hello, nice to meet you ♪
                 ♪ We share chromosomes ♪
                 ♪ Hello, nice to meet you ♪
                 ♪ You're kind of me ♪

--
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I Need Some Balance

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend 4×9

Other Rebecca: I'm dating my uncle.

Rebecca: I hate cats. Both the animal and the musical.

White Josh: You should do what I always do if I'm feeling sad or happy or confused or tired...
Greg: Work out?
White Josh: Yeah. How did you know that?
Greg: Uh, cause you work out constantly, and when you stir your coffee, about 80 different muscles ripple.
White Josh: Oh, thank you. Feels amazing. I can only imagine how good it looks.

Darryl: I'm growing it back. I just had a little barbecue saucemergency. Or is it a barbecue saucetastrophe?
George: You mean a saucepocalypse?

Greg: So I just pick these up and put them down and pick these up and put them down, and that's how it works?
White Josh: No sarcasm. Greg. It's a gym. No one will understand what you're saying.

Nathaniel: You know what they say. The road to fitness is one pound at a time... But don't use the one-pound weights. You'll embarrass yourself.

Greg: God. Women. Can't... say adages about them anymore.

Bert: It's Darryl's fault. I think he's borderline and has BPD or maybe he has narcissism and has NPD.
George: Or is in the NYPD.

Nathaniel: I mean, God, women, they are... our equal in every way.

---

Maya: Everything you said was super smart, and I just wanted to ask what are you doing later, and do you like oatmeal draft lattes? 'Cause I do.
Father Brah: I'm a priest!
Maya: I'm a Capricorn. I think this could work.

♪ Whisper, whisper, whisper, whisper ♪
♪ This is Elated Cat ♪
♪ Interpreting this happy moment ♪
♪ In the language of dance. ♪

Rebecca: You know, I'd like Cats way better if it were just a plot-free dance revue.

Nathaniel: Oh, God. You're that Greg.
Greg: Wait. You're that jerk real estate dude she dated?

Jason: Rebecca, who are these guys?
Rebecca: These are my ex-boyfriends.

Jason: God, women are... the future.

Rebecca: Men... Can't live with 'em, can't kill 'em.

Itchy Cat: Wow. I really liked that Jason guy.
Hungry Cat: You kidding me? Have you seen Josh? Meow.
Funky Cat: Josh? Honey, Nathaniel. That's where it's at.
Elated Cat: Mmm, I'm more of a Greg girl myself.
Nostalgia Cat: I still can't stop thinking of Marco. He flipped me like a pancake.
Funky Cat: That's nasty.

--
On the IMDb
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I'm Not the Person I Used to Be

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend 4×8

Rebecca: This is actually perfect. Usually, matzah brei is either too crunchy or hella soggy. But you nailed the perfect lumpy, gooey texture.

Rebecca: During my rule as prom king, I ruled.
Josh Chan: I believe that.

Heather: Ah! You're here. How long are you here for?
Valencia: For the rest of the series... of holidays, I mean. Thanksgiving, Christmas...

Heather: You're drinking like you're on a Civil War operating table.

Heather: Okay, I am on it, I am gonna figure this all out.
Valencia: You are the worst.
Heather: And this is the best.

Rebecca: Am I meant to be with Nathaniel or Josh or both or neither?... Right, of course. Because the idea of "meant to be" is a lie perpetuated by Western culture.

---

Greg: I'm here on winter break. I'm actually back for the whole rest of the series... of holidays. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's and the finale... Valentine's Day.
Hector: Valentine's Day. I guess that is the logical end of our series... of holidays.

Greg: Best president was James K. Polk. The only president who said he needed four years to complete his goals, did that, and then didn't run for reelection.

Heather: Oh, my God, this night includes a heist?! We're gonna Ocean's Eight this thing! Oh, no, wait, we're doing 2006 vibes tonight. We are gonna Da Vinci Code this thing!

George: ♪ We weren't cool back in high school ♪
    ♪ But we partied, too, and it's time you knew ♪
    ♪ What you missed while you were popular ♪
    ♪ What you missed while you were popular ♪

Heather: I'm not not gonna spy on that.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb
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I Will Help You

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend 4×7

Josh Chan: I was too embarrassed to go home, so I'm sleeping at the YMCA. Don't listen to the song! It's not fun to stay there.

Rebecca: Okay, so, some things you need to know about the house. Uh, Wi-Fi password is "525,600minutes."....

Rebecca: I am so excited to see some fall foliage. I really miss East Coast seasons.
Josh Chan: We have seasons in L.A. T-shirt, sweatshirt, puffer and tank top.

Naomi: What? You think I don't have a Google alert for "Rebecca Bunch"? You think that I am not reading the comments section of the Daily Covina?

Naomi: .... Not to mention the meshuggener Josh Chan shenanigans. Or should I say "Chananigans." That's pretty good.

Naomi: Anyway... that's all in the past. It doesn't matter. What matters is, despite all the schmegegge chazzerai, you still made partner. ... So somehow all that meshigas made your career even better. Right?

Nathaniel: Tim! Jim! Baseball is fun. I like lemonade. Do you? Guys, where's Paula? She's AWOL again.

Naomi: Of course they're mean. Do you think the world of nonprofit Jewish women's charities is a warm, cozy place?

Naomi: ♪ So you want I should be known as the mother of a loser ♪
    ♪ Loser, loser ♪
    ♪ Meet my daughter, former lawyer ♪
    ♪ Now a failure, please excuse her ♪
    ♪ Excuse her, excuse her ♪

Naomi: ♪ Oy, what am I gonna tell Emilio ♪
    ♪ At the frame store? ♪
Emilio: ♪ Moms always worry about what semi-strangers gonna say ♪
    ♪ And they're right, we think about it all day ♪
    ♪ We judging you, we don't have our own lives ♪
    ♪ You're more important than our own kids and our own wives ♪

---

Paula: Wow! That feels great. I feel all... warm and... Is this fuzzy? Is this what fuzzy is?
Nathaniel: Oh, please. What you just did is white savior crap. You can't just sweep in here and use your checkbook...
Nicky: I'm actually fine with it.
Nathaniel: Yeah, me, too. I just felt like I should say it.

Rebecca: Wait, do you actually know my mother?
Elayne Boosler: Of course. Naomi-Know-It-All.
Rebecca: Then why didn't you respond to her e-mails or phone calls?
Elayne Boosler: Have you met your mother? She's a pain in the kishkes.

♪ If you ever need a favor in 50 years ♪
♪ Just call a Camp Kavetcha girl ♪
♪ If you're crying off your makeup with all your tears ♪
♪ Just call a Camp Kavetcha girl ♪

Rebecca: I don't need to tell everyone everything all the time. ... I don't need outside approval from others, and I certainly don't need outside judgment from people I frankly don't care about. I know who I am now. Finally.

Rebecca: They are my choices, and as of right now, they are off-limits to you. Okay? So, look, we can chat, we can still gossip, we can kibitz, we can go out for a schmear, but that's it.

Rebecca: Hello. I'm back from Jew Hell. Which is nothing, 'cause Jews don't technically believe in Hell...

Rebecca: Oh, no, Paula. I think we're in trouble...

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb
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I See You

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend 4×6

Heather: I peep at their Instagram all day; it's pure food porn. I really want to bone those ribs.

Rebecca: God, why is this so hard? I just want to share a fun and carefree car trip and some smoked meats with someone who's a super chill hang.

Heather: Here is your burger and cabbage. I call it the "No One Wants That," so...

Paula: You? It's you? It's not you. You don't scuba dive.
Josh Chan: Uh, yeah, I scuba-did. When I was ten, I scuba-doved.

Nathaniel: I've been trying to get an Uber, but these idiot drivers keep canceling on me.
Heather: Huh. You must have a bad rating.
Nathaniel: The ratings go both ways? Socialists!

Josh Chan: Okay... Shotokan, Tae Kwon Do... Need to count in Korean... Hana, dul, set, net, dasol, yasot, iilgup, yodol. And then Japanese is ichi, ni, san, shi, go, roku, shichi, hachi, kyuu, juu. I get 'em confused, sometimes, but it's really not hard at all.

Josh Chan: ...and that sucked. No, sorry. That made me feel sucked. Ugh.
Paula: Josh, what?
Josh Chan: Oh, yeah. You're not in therapy. You don't get the lingo.
Paula: Well, what's the lingo for, "For the love of God, please stop talking"?
Josh Chan: I think it's, "Let's sit with that for a minute." Dr. A says that a lot.

---

♪ Cruisin' down the highway in the bright California sun ♪
♪ Sun fun, fun in the sun ♪
♪ But something feels off, something's not quite right ♪
♪ And now you're hoping that ♪
♪ The end's in sight, because you're ♪
♪ Trapped in a car with someone you don't wanna be ♪
♪ Trapped in a car with ♪
♪ Trapped, trapped, trapped in a car ♪
♪ Trapped in a car with someone you don't wanna be ♪

♪ And the car ride is so endless ♪
♪ It feels like so much time has passed ♪
♪ That your taste evolves ♪
♪ And you enter a more ♪
♪ Experimental era of your music career... ♪
♪ Why do we even have cars at all? ♪
♪ In the scheme of things, this Earth is small ♪
♪ Or do I really need to travel somewhere? ♪
♪ Or can I get there in my mind? ♪

♪ Alhambra, Glendora ♪
♪ La Puente, here's some more-a ♪
♪ Covina, Pasadena ♪
♪ My baby, have you seen her? ♪
♪ Oh, no ♪
♪ The car ride has gone on so long ♪
♪ That we're now in the later ♪
♪ More commercial stages of our career ♪

Darryl: Sometimes it feels like you just don't like me. And I look past it, because I like the good parts of you, and I know you have some challenges, but that is no excuse for you to be unkind.

Darryl: I don't think an Uber's even coming. I've got a two-star, "too-talkative" rating.

Heather: Oh, my God, you think the world revolves around you because you're all smart and tall and rich and white and spoiled and male with playful hair—

Darryl: You're right, sometimes I can be too... probe-y and disclose-y and look inward-y.
Rebecca: You'd make a great gynecologist.

Darryl: We can't go home like this. We put the "ew" in "barbecue."

Rebecca: It gives me hope. I mean, I was attracted to someone nice. I mean, if that can happen, maybe I can be attracted to a different type of guy. You know? Guys who aren't withholding or cold or jerks or unavailable or dating other people or immoral or married or... Nathaniel or Greg or Josh.

--
On the IMDb
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I'm So Happy for You

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend 4×5

Paula: I've said good-bye to a lot of people. And... you get used to it. You say hello, you say good-bye, and you just try to treasure the moments in between.

Rebecca: I'm... losing two friends at once. But I will be cheering you all on very sincerely from... my small, unprofitable pretzel store, with my no boyfriend, having not had sex since before the slammer, because... oh, right... I was also in jail.

White Josh: Hector loves this show. What is it about again?
Darryl: It's a British cop thing with a child murder in a fishing village. And it stars that Swedish actress and that Scottish guy. And some episodes are two hours and some are 30 minutes.
White Josh: Wow. All right. Sounds good.

Rebecca: What I'm about to say is-is horrible... I see life as a contest, and I'm now losing.
Dr. Akopian: What? R-Rebecca, I-I didn't hear you.
Rebecca: I feel less than when others are doing better than me.
Dr. Akopian: Okay. I'll come sit next to you.

Rebecca: It's funny, 'cause I was saying I was behind so you would say, "No, no, no, you're not behind." But you said that I am. It's fine. No, it's just... It's slightly jarring when a medical professional confirms your worst fears, but that makes sense...

♪ It's confirm-ed ♪
♪ It's official ♪
♪ The group mind has decided you're in love ♪
♪ Say yes to long-term ♪
♪ Say yes ♪

♪ Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss ♪
♪ Dance, dance, dance, dance ♪
♪ Kiss, dance, kiss, dance ♪
♪ Kiss, dance, kiss, dance, kiss, dance ♪
♪ Yay! ♪

---

Valencia: Rebecca, you're being weird.
Rebecca: ... I don't even recognize that word anymore, 'cause the word is not "weird." It's actually "fizzy" now.

Rebecca: Fizzy is a word that means multiple things. It's like "sick" or "bad" or "aloha" or "shalom..."

Rebecca: ...and you can follow me on my Insta or my Finsta, if I let you.... Anyway, I got to go to a pop-up candy museum and then a hookah bar and then a party inside a photo booth. So got to dip. Oh, I'm sorry. "Dip" means "bounce," which means "peace out." Which means "leave."

Paula: You don't understand. You're not Mom. He grew in my stomach! His first sentence was, "Wuv you, Mama." For the first four years of his life, we were stapled together unless I was at work. And then from the ages of four to 18, I lost him to his stupid friends and knives and girls he never told me about and masturbation and selling pot, and now he's back, and he likes me, and I wuv him more than ever. And I just... I don't want to lose him yet, Scott! Please!

Heather: So true. So brutal... Trutal.

Darryl: Now, Netflix... is "hebbybebbynetflix." HBO Go is "hebbybebbyhbo."
White Josh: Mm-hmm. Oh, okay.
Darryl: Hulu is...
White Josh: Hmm? No, I think I got it.

Rebecca: I love this song! What's it called? "Endless Verses"? Huh? "Waiting for the Chorus"?.. "Only the Bad Parts of a Song"?

Rebecca: I continue to be horrible. Seriously, if I weren't me, I wouldn't talk to me.

Heather: Girl group is "forevah."
Valencia: And "evah."
Rebecca: And "evah."
Paula: And "evah."

Paula: ♪ 'Cause I always never believed in you ♪
    ♪ I never gave up giving up on you ♪
    ♪ Deep inside I always knew ♪
    ♪ That you'd eventually never come through ♪
    ♪ Not for a second did I think ♪
    ♪ You wouldn't end up dead or in the clink ♪
    ♪ For possession or assault or worse ♪

    ♪ 'Cause I've always never believed in you ♪
    ♪ I never once doubted doubting you ♪
    ♪ With every opportunity that you blew ♪
    ♪ All my worst fears just kept coming true ♪

    ♪ With every horrifying thing ♪
    ♪ You'd say or do ♪
    ♪ I continued to never believe in you ♪

Paula: ♪ 'Cause now I actually believe in you ♪
    ♪ No longer have a total lack of faith in you ♪
    ♪ Apparently there are things you can do ♪
    ♪ You're full of potential, and no one knew ♪
    ♪ Allow me to tip my hat to you, sir ♪
    ♪ 'Cause you're no longer a total loser ♪
    ♪ It feels strange to say it ♪
    ♪ But it's true ♪
    ♪ I weirdly, shockingly ♪
    ♪ Completely believe ♪
    ♪ In you ♪
    ♪ I believe, I believe, I believe ♪
    ♪ In you ♪

--
On the IMDb
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I'm Making Up for Lost Time

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend 4×4

Sunil: Please! Sir, pick me. I need all the overtime I can get to help with my student loans.
Mrs. Hernandez: I'm also paying off my student loans.
Sunil: Still?
Mrs. Hernandez: Are you saying I'm old?..
Sunil: You said it; I don't disagree.

Sunil: He got Rebected again. Oh, that's my term for when he gets rejected by Rebecca.

Mrs. Hernandez: I'm getting this case. I always do. As my Krav Maga trainer says, I'm a mitnakesh... That's Hebrew for "killer," bitch.

Rebecca: Okay, so what cool young thing should we all do today? Should we, uh, take a selfie? Make a meme? Get lit? Oh, shall we... Yas, queen?

Tucker: Hey, I just had an idea. How about the Hollywood—
Rebecca: Murder Tour...
Tucker: ...Walk of Fame?
Rebecca: Walk of Fame. We're not on the same page there... but your idea's better; it's good for kids, yeah.

---

Rebecca: Get out of my house. Twins! Jinx! Gasp!

Rebecca: Oh, right. It's the theater. You have female directors.

Rebecca: Don't "thank you" me! You can go "thank you" yourself!

Rebecca: Okay, this seems a little crazy, but no, no, I can justify this to myself, because I love my brother...

Paula: Tell me why I don't know about a major thing in my son's life.
Tommy: Maybe because all you ever ask us is whether our homework is done and whether our underwear is clean.
Paula: Yeah, so?.. Is it?

Rebecca: Hey, come on. Let's do something else. Let's go the beach! Huh? It's only two hours away.

Nathaniel: You have to know... you are the only thing that makes me happy. When I'm not with you, my heart aches. I feel like I've lived in a quiet forest my whole life, and then you showed up, and the world starts to sing. I love you, plain and simple. You've awakened my heart and unlocked my soul.

--
On the IMDb
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I'm on My Own Path

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend 4×3

Jim Oh, no, no, no. Bad idea. Trust me. Being a lawyer is the worst.

♪ Don't be a lawyer ♪
♪ Don't do it ♪
♪ Quickest way to ruin your life ♪
♪ Don't be a lawyer ♪
♪ Not worth it ♪
♪ It'll leave you dead inside ♪
♪ The job is inherently crappy ♪
♪ That's why you never met a lawyer who's happy ♪
♪ It's a guaranteed ♪
♪ Soul destroyer ♪

♪ Law school debt, daily regret ♪
♪ Is that what you dreamed of as a kid? ♪
♪ Or did you hope one day that you'd find a way ♪
♪ To spend four years working on a ♪
♪ Pharmaceutical company's merger ♪
♪ With another pharmaceutical company? ♪
♪ Your only expertise ♪
♪ Is runnin' up fees ♪
♪ And speaking legalese like a dick ♪

AJ: What about human rights law?
Jim: ♪ No money, no, no money ♪
AJ: Environmental law?
Jim: ♪ No money, even less money ♪
AJ: Immigration law?
Jim: ♪ No money, plus it's a bummer ♪
AJ: Okay, but what if one day you make it to the Supreme Court?
Jim: ♪ It'd be great to be on the Supreme Court ♪
           ♪ But you'll never be on the Supreme Court ♪
           ♪ There's truly no chance of that happenin' ♪

---

Courtney: Oh, my God. Are you, like, schizo?
Josh Chan: No! I-I'm just introspective.

Rebecca: Hey, how's the dating going? Give me the update on the apps. The "appdate."

Josh Chan: Am I smart enough for her?
Rebecca: Yes. You are perceptive and kind... and that's a very valuable type of intelligence. Trust me, it'll be Louvre at first sight.

Rebecca: Ah... the age-old question: pretzels or law? Pretzels or law?...

Heather: Okay, well, look, our wedding is private.
Valencia: No. Body parts are private. Weddings are for everybody.

Josh Chan: ...I mean, I like impressionism because it disrupted the aesthetic of the overly realistic paintings that were being shown in the Salon in Paris at the time, which was not a hair salon, by the way.

Rebecca: Paula, I... I don't want to be a lawyer anymore.

Rebecca: I never wanted to. It was never my dream. It was my mother's dream... And it's your dream. It's your dream, which is great. The profession needs more people like you, who care about all that hideously boring crap.

Rebecca: So, it wouldn't be Pretzel Central anymore. It'd be my own thing. And I'm thinking of calling it... Rebetzel's.

Rebecca: You know, I don't believe in destiny anymore. I just believe in taking responsibility for your own happiness. And right now, for me, that's my friends, volunteering at the jail, and... this pretzel shop, as crazy as that seems.

Rebecca: I love fairy tales. And this is from the greatest fairy tale of all time... the Bible... I made some changes because there's always room for improvement.

--
On the IMDb
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I Am Ashamed

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend 4×2

♪ Meet Rebecca ♪
♪ She's too hard to summarize ♪

Paula: Hon, have you been online today?
Rebecca: That's a terrifying sentence. No, I have not. Why?

♪ Step out the door, then back through the door ♪
♪ Sit on the floor and stare at the floor ♪
♪ Rock yourself until you feel okay ♪
♪ And carpe diem, carpe dontem ♪
♪ Time to grab life by the scrotum ♪
♪ But, first, let's read some facts about stingrays...... ♪

♪ Take ♪
♪ One step forward, two steps back ♪
♪ No, two steps forward, four steps back ♪
♪ Five more steps back and now I'm back in bed ♪
♪ Okay, now I'm ready to go.... ♪

Heather: ...And the only reason you think there's a ghost or whatever is because it's Halloween right now. I mean, if it was Thanksgiving, you would think there was a turkey in here.

---

Darryl: Holy Goddess of Milk Jugs! Oh, look at this breast milk. ...it looks gorgeous. Never frozen, vegan, non-smoking, alcohol-free. Look. Oh, so creamy...
White Josh: Guh-ross.

White Josh: I hate Halloween. It's just an excuse to sell toxic plastic costumes and death sugar candy.

Valencia: The candle draws out the spirit from hiding, the clove makes it safe for the spirit to emerge, and the crystals... they're just pretty.

Paula: Um, I-I thought this was gonna be boring, but you know what? Best. Halloween. Ever!

Paula: Oh, Valencia. Come on, these are great illusions! You're like David Copperfield without the assault allegations.

Rebecca: I know that it's easier sometimes to just dwell in that shame rather than move on. God, there is something weirdly satisfying about just... staying in... the purgatory of your past. But you have to move on... You can't change what happened, but you can change what will happen. So move on, Devon. Move forward.

♪ Some people are scared of goblins and ghosts ♪
♪ They shriek at a raven perched on a post ♪
♪ "Oh, no!" they cry ♪
♪ "It's a spooky black cat" ♪
♪ But there are so many things ♪
♪ Far more frightening than that..... ♪

♪ ....... Because nothing is as scary ♪
♪ As what lurks in your past ♪

--
On the IMDb
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I Want to Be Here

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend 4×1

Rebecca: Great. Mean prosecutor has to pee, I'm guilty, so let's just scribble "guilty" on that pizzle pad and let's get this shizzow on the road.

Rebecca: I don't care how many hearings we have. I'm gonna plead guilty at every one of them.

Rebecca: Jail is what I deserve.

Nathaniel: I'm not killing myself, George, okay? I'm going on a Death Wish adventure!

Nathaniel: Ah, that's why they said "maggot..."

    ♪ Story, story ♪
    ♪ What's your crime? ♪
    ♪ What got you here? ♪
    ♪ Rage, lust or fear? ♪
    ♪ We all got a story 'cause we're doing time ♪
    ♪Ra-ta-ta ♪

    ♪ Story, story ♪
    ♪ These are barely stories ♪
    ♪ They're just bleak anecdotes ♪
    ♪ With no start or end ♪

Josh: So, according to these quizzes, I have ADHD, OCD and synesthesia... Oh. When I think about the number five, I see the color blue and I smell daisies.
Heather: Daisies have no scent.
Josh: They do if you have synesthesia.

Josh: No, I think you guys should get on Quimblepop and figure out what disorder you have that makes you such crappy friends.

---

George: Okay, so, long story, my old camp counselor is the real-life guy from 127 Hours. I wasn't there for him that day on that slot canyon, and now he has no arm. So I'm not leaving your side.

Rebecca: I have something to tell you. I figured out something huge... I am privileged.
Heather: That... just occurred to you like just right now?
Rebecca: Right. It... I know. It's a shock to me, too.

Josh: ♪ Does anyone understand? ♪
Nathaniel: ♪ Would anyone understand? ♪
Rebecca: ♪ Could anyone understand? ♪
— ♪ Of course not, 'cause no one else ♪
     ♪ Is singing my song ♪
     ♪ No one knows the rhythm enough to sing along ♪

Paula: What do you want to do next? Pie? Ice cream? Donut? Wow, we really need to find some non food-related activities for us, don't we?

Valencia: I've had enough. Rebecca, if I hear you say the word "privilege" one more time... You have privilege. I'm glad you acknowledge it. So now you have a choice. Do something good for the world that actually helps people, or shut up. But stop whining!

Rebecca: You're right. I need to do something practical, to counteract my... my pri... my, uh, systemic socioeconomic racial and cis-gender advantages.

Rebecca: I can't. Hawaii-Hawaii has to wait.

Rebecca: Who doesn't like Cats? It's delightful. Who cares if there's no plot?

--
On the IMDb
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Nathaniel is Irrelevant.

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend 3×13

Rebecca: I'm Rebecca. I donated the egg, so that thing has my DNA in it, so good luck with that.

Dr. Pratt: And the rest of you are just gonna stay?
Paula: Oh, yeah. No, it's fine. I mean, one way or another, we've all seen one, so...

Paula: Oh, honey, no. No, no, no, no. You don't want to miss birth. It's an awe-inspiring and powerful experience.
Heather: Yeah, but, like, does it hurt?
Dr. Pratt: Well, women report different levels of discomfort depending...
Paula: Ah, Ba-Ba-Ba, Dr. No Vagina. Yes, it hurts, but it is so worth it.

Paula: Okay, listen up. Mama is gonna tell you how wonderful birth really is...
♪ And explosive diarrhea ♪
♪ Means that labor's drawing nearer ♪
♪ And those sharp, painful contractions ♪
♪ 'Cause your cervix to enlarge ♪
Paula: Beautiful.
♪ When it's all over ♪
♪ They'll place the baby on your breast ♪
♪ You may be happy for a moment ♪
♪ But then for months you'll be depressed ♪
♪ 'Cause you've wrecked your life and body ♪
♪ You'll think, "Was it really worth ♪
♪ "All that for the miracle ♪
♪ Of birth?..." ♪
Paula: But of course it was!

Paula: So, who called this meeting again?
Nathaniel: I don't know. The subject line says "The Purge," so are we throwing up or watching a horror movie or what?

Rebecca: I will tell you. I'll tell you everything.

Rebecca: I have some things to say, and... it's gonna be brutal.

---

Darryl: Maybe this is a real one.
Heather: No, I don't think so. I mean, I did see a bloody clump of mucus fall into the toilet bowl earlier, but...
Darryl: Wow. The miracle of birth.

Rebecca: God, I thought you were in Iowa.
Trent: Io-was. But I missed you, and now I'm-a-back.

Darryl: I named her Hebecca... It's a combination of Heather and Rebecca.
White Josh: Oh. Mm-hmm. Yeah? Okay.

Rebecca: I'm going to prison. For a long time.

Rebecca: Plead insanity?

Nathaniel: ♪ Because nothing is ever anyone's fault ♪
♪ We're all just products of childhood trauma ♪
♪ Nothing is ever anyone's fault ♪
♪ Pain causes anger and fear causes drama ♪
♪ We can't control the things we do..... ♪

Rebecca: Wow, the first part was kind of amoral, but that last thing was really sweet.

Nathaniel: ♪ I was raised to believe ♪
♪ That every person's in charge of their fate ♪
♪ But now I clearly see ♪
♪ That my father's a dick, and he filled me with hate ♪

♪ Psychology is a great excuse ♪
♪ Nothing is ever anyone's fault ♪
♪ .................................. ♪
♪ It's hard to paint people with evil or glory ♪
♪ When you know that everyone's got a tragic backstory ♪
♪ Free will's an illusion, morality is, too ♪
♪ So it's not my fault ♪
♪ That my parents messed me up ♪
♪ 'Cause their parents messed them up ♪
♪ And Adam and Eve were messed up by God ♪
♪ Who was messed up originally by the Big Bang ♪
♪ Everything is the Big Bang's fault ♪

Rebecca: I may have borderline, but I'm not insane. I'm responsible for everything that happened, all of it. ..... They were my choices. It's my life, and I'm responsible no matter what illness I have or what my parents were like. And let's be clear, they suck.

--
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Trent?!

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend 3×12

Trent: One person's blackmailing is another person's love story.

Rebecca: You know what, from now on, my life is gonna get an A-plus on the Bechdel test.
Heather: Well, actually, since the Bechdel test is a measure of how often women talk about men, the act of talking about the Bechdel test kind of technically means you've failed the Bechdel test.
Paula: Okay, thank you, feminism referee.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bechdel_test

Rebecca: And you know what the best thing is about being alone, potentially forever?... I know what the future holds now.

White Josh: Hey, uh, quick question, why is it that all of my friends, including you, are in love with Rebecca? Does she have a magic vagina?
Nathaniel: No. She has a great one, though. And she does like when I refer to it as the Sorting Hat.
White Josh: ????
Nathaniel: Harry Potter dirty talk. Don't worry about it.
White Josh: Yikes.

---

Beth: V, we can't turn down events, any events. We work here. We have to buy onion rings every hour just to keep the Wi-Fi going. We're doing the party.

Rebecca: Oh, so glad we're back together. And that was a great 19th game of Scrabble.

Rebecca: Um, hey, so could I have my phone back now?
Trent: No. First, we have to play Settlers of Catan and then Ticket to Ride, and then maybe we can talk about you getting your phone back.

Paula: We have talked about this... It is in the past. I have changed. You have changed...
Rebecca: Yes. Yes, I have, but sometimes the past comes back to bite you in the butt.

Rebecca: Let's take back his power. Let's blackmail the blackmailer.

Josh: You know, I have this movie poster in my room that says, "You Can't Run Away from Your Past because It's Your Future." It's from Space Karate II. That's us.

--
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