That's Why They Call It a Missile

Avenue 5 (2×8)

Iris Kimura: Assert your leadership, and don't take questions.
Herman Judd: All right, every... everyone, I'm the leader now, so if you need anything at all, ask Iris!
Iris Kimura: She has nothing for you!

Herman Judd: If this is indeed the dead zone, then I knew that already, and wanted to be with you, the proletariat, at the end. You're welcome.
Iris Kimura: That's a beautiful sentiment.
Herman Judd: And it's true!
Iris Kimura: You didn't need to add that. That creates doubt that wasn't there.

Billie McEvoy: Focus, focus, focus. I'm gonna keep saying "focus" until you focus.

Mia: Okay, Doug, support her head! Support her head, raise her bilingual, and never let her date a drummer!
Doug: Should I write this down?

Doug: Does anyone know how to breastfeed?
Mads: Yes, me! I am this child's biological father and I'm ready. Love will accomplish what science hasn't.
Doug: How did this just get worse?

Frank Kelly: You can't hunker from a missile, Karen. My whole life is flashing before my eyes, honey. Kindergarten, I excelled. Middle school, harder. Puberty was like a bungee jump without a rope. And now...

Frank Kelly: Ooh. Cleaning vinegar. You soak one inch of cloth, honey, it becomes semi-edible tofu!

Herman Judd: Hello? Uh, my name is Herman Twam Judd, and I am a very highly influential figure. Type my name into any search engine. Uh, please ignore the smear campaigns.

Ryan Clark: Elena wants to marry us. We're going to be hus-boths.

Matt Spencer: That seems so sad. Someone on their deathbed, marrying three people on their deathbeds, in a giant deathbed factory.

Matt Spencer: Dearly beloved slash condemned, uh, we're gathered here today to celebrate the joyous slash heartbreaking union of you three people as you commit to spending the rest of your harrowingly short lives together.

Matt Spencer: Do you, Potential Spouse One, take Potential Spouse Two as your lawfully wedded spouse?
Ryan Clark: Not massively clear, but yes, I do.

Matt Spencer: And since you are a throuple, do you, Potential Spouse Three, take Confirmed Spouses One and Two as your lawfully wedded spouses?

Ryan Clark: She... she didn't say her vows.
Charles: Does that mean just us are married?
Ryan Clark: Oh... tits!

Ryan Clark: Spike Martin. Godspeed, old friend.

Billie McEvoy: No! No, no, no, Spike. You grow a spine, Spike, and you throw that spine at the fucking missile!

Ryan Clark: If idiocy was an orthodox church, you'd be an archdeacon! You'd be Pope Herman the Fuck!

Billie McEvoy: Spike, please! I'm gonna need some more information.
Spike Martin: Here's all the info you need. Fuck this, I'm not doing it.
Iris Kimura: No. Spike, you have to do it. There's a baby in here!
Spike Martin: I say this with... with lots of love.

Mads: That's why they call it a missile! Because it misses!

Herman Judd: Hi! I just wanted to let everyone know, I saved us. You're welcome. It was nothing.

Ryan Clark: So in addition to destroying almost all the lithium in the galaxy, there's a good chance I'm married to Karen Kelly. Bit of golf?
Billie McEvoy: The golf course is actually on the other side...
Ryan Clark: Of the ship, yeah.
Billie McEvoy: It's on the other side, yeah.

--
On the IMDb

I Love Judging People

Avenue 5 (2×7)

Herman Judd: Making it in two parts meant that I could classify Avenue 5 as two half-mile vessels. Made me a substantial tax saving.
Ryan Clark: Jesus wept.
Herman Judd: No, Jesus beat the shit out of the tax collectors. Look it up.

Ryan Clark: No, no, no. No. We're talking about genocide.
Rav Mulcair: Again!
Iris Kimura: It's not genocide if half of us survive.
Ryan Clark: All right, semi-cide then.

Rav Mulcair: So, who decides who goes in which half?
Ryan Clark: No. It's not a dictator's job to decide on a whim who lives or dies... It absolutely is, isn't it?

Ryan Clark: A passenger pogrom! There's gotta be a better way of doing it than this.
Matt Spencer: Look, we've always given machines the tasks that we can't handle, right? Defuse bombs, reset bowling pins, provide reliable orgasms. This is another thing that we should put in the hands of a machine because ours are too shaky.

Ryan Clark: Okay. To use what is rapidly becoming our popular catchphrase... fuck it. Let us temporarily suspend our humanity.

Ryan Clark: Did my ranking just go up?
Iris Kimura: The algorithm rewards cold-hearted decisions clinically made.
Ryan Clark: So it's a psychopath?

Mia: How can my ranking be so low when I am 3D printing an actual human baby in my cooch?

Karen Kelly: How can I be bottom half? Doesn't make sense. I'm a good person. Fact.

Karen Kelly: Ryan compliments me all the time. He says he never met anyone like me.
Frank Kelly: That's a known British insult, honey.
Karen Kelly: No, it's not.
Frank Kelly: No, I think it is.

Ryan Clark: We'll have, uh, an "Eel-ivia Colman," an "Idris Eel-ba," and an "Eel-ementary, My Dear Wats-eel" for the tab-eel.

Ryan Clark: Dull and draining. Like a month of fucking Wednesdays.

Billie McEvoy: I can't... I can't believe it. I'm number two.
Spike Martin: How...? Really?! Oh, I'm so pleased for you.
Billie McEvoy: That makes me so happy-- Wait. Who's number one? Who the fuck is better than me?!
Spike Martin: She's a real number two, all right.

Ryan Clark: I... I didn't do anything. Unless I'm being penalized for existing.

Herman Judd: It's actually a very simple system. It's, um... How do you turn it on?
Ryan Clark: Don't you use it?
Herman Judd: No. I can't be in my own app because then it would achieve singularity.

Ryan Clark: Are you low?
Herman Judd: As if.
Ryan Clark: That is very cheering. The German word for what I'm feeling now is "Schitting Fantastiche."

Iris Kimura: Okay. For this to happen, you're gonna have to treat me like a human being, because I am.
Herman Judd: You are like a human being.
Iris Kimura: I am a human being, damn it, and I want respect!
Herman Judd: I respect you so much... Okay, I will do my best to make the respect happen.

Billie McEvoy: What the fuck? You?
Mads: The best of us is Mads. You are two. I is one. We are three. Pronounced "free."
Billie McEvoy: Oh. Oh, I see. No, no, no, it doesn't understand you. You're just saying nonsense confidently and you have cheekbones.
Mads: Billie, don't overthink it. It's a very, very number two thing to do.

Spike Martin: But you're number two!
Billie McEvoy: Yeah, but we're engineers, so... we should be with the engines, right?
Spike Martin: You're right. Yeah. Grease and math, my two pillars.

Billie McEvoy: How did you do in the end?
Spike Martin: Uh, it was good, but then bad. Apparently, my jokes are offensive. I got complaints from bisexuals, people who don't know the meaning of the word "monosyllabic," folks who are allergic to watermelon.

--
On the IMDb

Intoxicating Clarity

Avenue 5 (2×6)

Iris Kimura: Uh, and you have coffee with the ship's imam at 10. Then the cleaning crew want to gift you with some new pillows.
Ryan Clark: Excellent. My memory foam ones have developed dementia.

Herman Judd: Fuck you, Supreme Commander.
Billie McEvoy: Fly true, Supreme Commander.

Billie McEvoy: How did we end up with him in charge twice?
Herman Judd: Tell me about it.

Rav Mulcair: I hate to be the bearer of bad news...
Ryan Clark: And I hate hearing it. Feels like there's a solution in there somewhere.

Matt Spencer: ...we've got ammo. We've got camo. We are ready to go... Blammo!
Mads: Oh, what is this intoxicating clarity?

Karen Kelly: Tap your cuddler's head if you want your cuddle to end early. Otherwise, just surrender like a calf in the butcher's embrace.

Spike Martin: All good out there? I mean, considering how bad it is?
Rav Mulcair: Let's just say the mood on the ship is uh, pre-post-apocalyptic.

Ryan Clark: Billie, understand that for me, will you?

Herman Judd: I'm gonna leave because I choose to clear the room. Not because you literally just said the words.

Ryan Clark: Well, this... this is wonderful, seeing you all clumped together like wet sugar. It reminds us that... that togetherness is way forwardness.

Elena: My king.
Ryan Clark: My queen.
Charles: Plus one.
Ryan Clark: Yes, yes, hadn't forgotten about you, Charles. What are you, actually?
Charles: Uh, partner's partner. So that's... "quartner"?

Dawn Djopi: Djopi Downer for you. TV favorite Zara is now too dead to play her dead sister. Let's all miss her.

Ryan Clark: Oh, Matt, I am beyond sorry. Well, I'm not beyond sorry. I'm still in sorry. But... the far end of it, I'm...

Ryan Clark: See, this is how it goes with autocracies. It starts out, and it's all caviar and wiping your ass on a swan's neck, and then pretty soon, you're perforating dissidents.

Karen Kelly: Oh, okay, no. Just, no. If you can't talk British, just stay silent. Like the people they subjugated.

Ryan Clark: Look, everyone, can we just smile and laugh? This is a party! We're gonna have fun, even if it kills us.

Ryan Clark: Can't believe everyone's scared of me.
Iris Kimura: Congratulations. Feels good, right?

Rav Mulcair: Thank you, Captain Buzzkill.
Matt Spencer: I'm portraying Ryan in his truest form. Carrying all of our sins while dressed like a weekend gigolo.
Rav Mulcair: Well, like the Bible, you're upsetting a lot of people, so just dial it down. Tonally.

Billie McEvoy: Lucas, Lucas, why don't we just pretend he doesn't exist. One of my favorite hobbies, actually.

Ryan Clark: What? What just happened?
Iris Kimura: I believe the old industry term is a "reverse Soprano." They're all definitely dead.

Iris Kimura: What's the plan?
Ryan Clark: The plan is we have to control the panic.

--
On the IMDb

Let's Play with Matches

Avenue 5 2×5

Matt Spencer: Let it burn, baby. Let it burn.

Isaac Davis: I hate to be presumptuous... but can I suggest a more peaceful solution? ... Let's not punish a guy who should never have been put in charge. ... I say maybe we take charge.

Isaac Davis: "Passengers" contains the word "ass" 'cause that's how they see us. Well, not anymore. I see people with two eyes. You know what else has two I's? "Citizens." ...
Mads: You know what else has two I's? Whiskey on the rocks!
Isaac Davis: ... We need ideas from everyone.

Isaac Davis: As citizens, I say we form a citizens' assembly and run this ship!

Isaac Davis: Who's with me? Together there are more of us!

Aromatherapist: The Engineering Committee has unanimously voted against allowing you to join.
Billie McEvoy: But I'm the ship's chief engineer. And you're an aromatherapist.

Ryan Clark: Oh, God. I have to hand it to you. You are the most positive idiot I have ever met.
Herman Judd: That's sweet. A lot of people tell me that. You know what? I think you're ready to connect...

Herman Judd: Really?
Ryan Clark: No. I just made it up.
Herman Judd: Why would you do that?
Ryan Clark: Seemed like fun?
Herman Judd: Dude, there's something wrong with your brain. You belong in the Museum of Depressed British Fucking Assholes.
Ryan Clark: That is my favorite museum.
Herman Judd: Why is that your favorite museum?
Ryan Clark: Because it's quiet.

Isaac Davis: People, can't you see yelling diminishes us all! ... No, there's just too much democracy. It's like fifth-century Athens.
Iris Kimura: We need a strong leader. We need a tough decision-maker. We need a dictator.
Isaac Davis: What?
Iris Kimura: But a benign dictator.
Matt Spencer: Yeah, let's play with matches...

Isaac Davis: People, the system isn't working. There's too many I's... in the citizens' assembly.

Ryan Clark: ... That is why we need an election.
Iris Kimura: Yes, to elect our dictator. A benign dictator. Right, Isaac?
Isaac Davis: Yeah.

Isaac Davis: Together there are more of us. But as I cannot nominate all of you, I am nominating myself. I will be that "I" in your benign.

Karen Kelly: I am honored... to announce the candidacy of Mr. Frank Kelly.
Ryan Clark: Kentucky Fried Bollocks. It's Mr. Fondue In A Pedal Bin.

Ryan Clark: Literally anybody else?
Billie McEvoy: Yes. Me. I. Will. Stand.
Ryan Clark: Billie, I like you. But you are not universally loved.

Ryan Clark: Well, I am almost alarmed by the quality of the candidates... All right, well, if that's it, then, uh, I declare the polling is open. And may God have mercy upon our souls.

Frank Kelly: I'm just gonna take the good we have and make it gooder. Engooden everyone!

Iris Kimura: I'm intensely competent. So vote for me unless you're incompetent.

Spike Martin: We've scraped the bottom of the barrel so hard we've clawed our way through it into the first circle of hell.

Billie McEvoy: And so that's why the four pillars of my campaign are en-gin-eer-ing. Engineering.

Matt Spencer: Only half of us will survive Ryan's litany of terrible choices. This will be a series of rolling tragedies in which each false glimmer of hope is succeeded by a much more real and crushing despair. I am Matt Spencer. I'm running on a ticket of radical honesty.

Ryan Clark: I think I preferred being violently deposed. It was less stressful.

Billie McEvoy: Oh my God, is that it? You just say what they want to hear and try and hide your contempt, that's it?
Spike Martin: Yeah, that's politics. And also dating.

The Office of the Other President Announcer: Formed in the wake of the third attack on Congress, the Office of the Other President is a constellation of America's brightest legacy CEOs. Beth Bezos, Amazon. Mike Zuckerberg, Reality Whack, formerly Meta, formerly Facebook. And Dusty Musk, SpaceX. Together they ratify all the President's key decisions along with this quantum computer.

Dusty Musk: Avenue 5 currently exists. We say let's 180 that reality.

Ryan Clark: Now remember, keep it short. Smile. And don't threaten them with death.

Billie McEvoy: Guys, you are booing... You are booing physics. So that's stupid. Am I the only one here with half a brain? Oh! Okay, now you're booing competence? Okay, you know what? All of you morons deserve everything that is coming to you. When death visits upon you, may you see my face.

Ryan Clark: Oh, Christ, we're gonna get the cannibal, aren't we? "Here lies Ryan Clark. Freed a cannibal, captured a cannibal, elected a cannibal, was eaten by a cannibal. May he rest... in a cannibal."

Karen Kelly: It's okay to say you want me. Say it. Say you want me.
Ryan Clark: I... w--a--nt you.
Karen Kelly: And, um, what exactly is it that you want me to do, Captain? ...
Ryan Clark: Karen, I... want you to rule me. I want to be ruled by you. Governed by you. All of us do. We all want to be governed by Karen. Not just today, but for all time.
Karen Kelly: I know. I guess I've always known. I just wanted to hear you say it.

Karen Kelly: Ladies and gentlemen, I am humbled... You know what, just eff off, you effing eff-heads!

Isaac Davis: No, I... I can't. I'm not cut out for this. I'm just a patent attorney.
Ryan Clark: Oh, come now. There's no such thing as "just" a patent attorney.
Isaac Davis: Look at me, I... I can't handle this. These people scare the shit out of me. It's like a nest of vipers developed a sense of entitlement.

Matt Spencer: In four years' time, we will all be at each other's throats, okay? That's just facts. And I will help you to survive. I've made a crossbow...

Matt Spencer: I'm gonna teach you to survive. I'm gonna teach you how to make your own. And you'll be safe. You'll all be safe with me. Except for Ryan Clark. He will suffer immensely and be shown no mercy. The only question is, how will we kill him? Will he be fried or eaten or sexed?

Ryan Clark: No... no, I can't. I've tried and I was shit at it. That's why you deposed me.
Isaac Davis: He was shit! So, so shit. And that's why he'll be so great this time!
Ryan Clark: That is literally meaningless.
Isaac Davis: He could be the best of both worlds! Together there are more of him!

Spike Martin: Eighty-six percent. That's more than the Jonas Brothers got for their second term.

Karen Kelly: Okay, people, step away. Step away. Our supreme leader...

Ryan Clark: And so it begins again... Right. What's first up?

--
On the IMDb

How It Ends: As a Starter and a Main

Avenue 5 (2×4)

Paul: You might want to get out of the airlock. Unless you want to, you know, die.
Doug: Yeah...
Paul: ...
Doug: Don't want that. Not most days.

Iris Kimura: ...so you substitute me with this?
Mads: Me? Nah, I'm kinda more of a "he" than a "this."
Herman Judd: I actually do see you as a "this." "He" feels a little arrogant for you.

Billie McEvoy: Well, should I lock down the ship?
Ryan Clark: Well, I don't know. Should you?
Billie McEvoy: It's your decision... And the answer is yes.
Ryan Clark: All right.

Ryan Clark: Sorry, what... what's that done exactly?
Billie McEvoy: Well, I've just sealed every room on the ship.
Rav Mulcair: So, we're locking an unknown number of people in a room with an escaped cannibal?
Billie McEvoy: Uh. Yes, but we're also locking a larger unknown number of people out of the room with the cannibal.
Ryan Clark: Yeah. No, when you put it like that, we're fucking heroes.

Ryan Clark: Oh, they're fine. If they're complaining, it means they haven't been eaten yet.

Ryan Clark: Let's find the cannibal...
Billie McEvoy: The data center! I mean, that has surveillance of every single room in the entire ship. Thank you, Supreme Court.

Billie McEvoy: This is the data center.
Ryan Clark: Bit more of a data vending machine, er, isn't it?
Billie McEvoy: Well, it's a synoptic array.
Ryan Clark: Okay. What does that mean?
Billie McEvoy: It arrays things synoptically.
Ryan Clark: No, Billie, you keep doing th... That's just the same words in a different order. What does it mean?
Billie McEvoy: Means that the screens go changey-changey. And they show you all the different parts of the ship. So, let's play "Spot the Cannibal."

Paul: Look, I can't treat an injury while it's basically still happening to you.

Iris Kimura: You can't just leave us up here to die.
Lucas Sato: We're not. We're just leaving you. What you do after that is completely up to you.

Doug: I'm gonna be a dad. My dad had a dad. And his dad had a dad. It's... it's like a... circle. Or no, it's... it's like that. It's like... one of these guys. What are they called? The straight-along fuckers that don't bend?
Paul: Lines.
Doug: Ah! It's a line!

Herman Judd: What the fuck is taking him so long? It's simple, do you wanna be blackmailed, yes or no?
Iris Kimura: No news is good news. Not as good as good news, but not as bad as bad news.

Ryan Clark: He's a very bad man.
Paloma: No, he's not! He's a good man who made some bad choices, Matt said!
Matt Spencer: Ryan, please, try to see the human, not the cannibal.

Ryan Clark: Put him in the... in the... Do we have a cell or...
Billie McEvoy: It's called a brig.
Ryan Clark: Put him in the brig! Welcome to your vegan years, my friend!

Lucas Sato: Don't call me again. You just wasted two grams of lithium.

Rav Mulcair: Wait, so, what... what exactly are we saying to the passengers?
Ryan Clark: Captain one, cannibal nil. Or does that sound like I've eaten someone?

Billie McEvoy: Sometimes I forget that underneath your confused-old-man shtick, you're actually just a confused old man.

Billie McEvoy: You want to me to do what I want? Is that what you want?
Ryan Clark: Well, I'll tell you what I don't want from you, yodeling away in my ear, is you being the power behind the throne, pissing on the throne, and then complaining that the throne smells of piss!
Rav Mulcair: What a phallocentric metaphor...
Billie McEvoy: Okay, Ryan, I am not pissing on your throne. And, Rav, I could totally piss on a throne.

Ryan Clark: Ladies and gentlemen... what you just heard was... Well, it was... .... It's all true. Every word of it, it's all true. So, now you know everything. Where do you want to go from here?

--
On the IMDb

Is It a Good Dot?

Avenue 5 (2×3)

Zarah: Iris, trajectory. And make it good news.
Iris Actor: Liquid fuel reserves are insufficient to correct our course--
Zarah: Then we'll think of something else, Iris. Something scientific.
Iris Actor: How can so much light... feel so dark?
Zarah: The sun gave our ancestors life... The fuck we gonna let it bring us death!

Matt Spencer: Hey, there's a dot on the horizon.

Ryan Clark: There's a dot. Is that a good dot or a bad dot?
Spike Martin: I bring news. We have a dot.
Rav Mulcair: We know. Is it good? Is it a good dot?

Ryan Clark: Johanna, ... Listen, I wonder if we can do this face to face. I could come over with some improvised icebreakers, maybe a tray of home-baked protein...

Spike Martin: Stay frosty. Space marines, tough as fuck and twice as big.

Ryan Clark: Hi. On behalf of the people of Avenue 5, we brought flapjack.
Johanna: Wow, thanks. We love anything cooked in a rectangle.

Johanna: This is Lyle, our resident physicist, freethinker, and all-around nonconformist.
Lyle: I find traditional methods of thought too rigid. Sue me!

Spike Martin: Um, I'm a bit of a maverick myself. Check the old neck warmer.
Lyle: Friend, that's not a ponytail. This is a ponytail...
Spike Martin: Wow. Spike Martin.
Lyle: Fifth Canadian on Mars? Never heard of him.
Spike Martin: Yeah, yeah, that's me.

Iris Kimura: I can smell fear, and... is it burritos?

Iris Kimura: Wait, I saw documentaries about lithium shortages, but I thought they were just documentaries.
Lucas Sato: Without lithium, you can say goodbye to banks and telecoms and computers, and you can say hello to wearing untreated animal skins and wiping your ass with leaves.
Iris Kimura: I am not saying hello to that.

Matt Spencer: Rav, the key to small talk is pretending that you have no sexuality and no aggression. Okay? Ready? Here we go.
Rav Mulcair: Hi. Can we say that anymore? God knows what we can say these days, right?

Herman Judd: How did I get dumped at the Judas end of The Last Supper?

Karen Kelly: Have we met before?
Nathan Basic: No, I don't think so. Um, Nathan Basic. I've... I've got an aggressively generic face.

Iris Kimura: So, I'm leaving on the shuttle... Yeah, I am confirming it. This is me confirming it... What's your name? Do you want to be confirmed? Because I will fucking confirm you.

Frank Kelly: So, Nathan, what is your basic approach to food?
Nathan Basic: Ha ha, good one! Well, I like to use the whole carcass, Frank. You know, nose to toes. I mean, why... why waste all that good flesh?

Rav Mulcair: Ryan. Ryan. Ryan!
Ryan Clark: Sorry, I'm just internalizing a lot of panic and fear right now.

Ryan Clark: Guys. Listen, I'm gonna tell you something now, and it's very important that they don't know what it is that I'm telling you. All right, so...

Ryan Clark: Don't run but... run!

Karen Kelly: Blink twice if you understand... That was three times, but no judgement.

Matt Spencer: I'm sorry to always be the corporate stiff, but I cannot allow a sexual predator to roam free among vacationing families. I'm a libertarian, but there's a line.

Ryan Clark: Great! Death or pedo? Sounds like fun.

Ryan Clark: Obviously, I do not want this on my record, but... release the pedophile.

Mads: I have done what a judge would not, I freed the pedo.

Ryan Clark: All right, sir. We want you to commence mending the eel tanks. We're gonna stand back here offering encouraging comments without in any way condoning your prior actions.

Ryan Clark: Take me to hell and toast my tits.

Matt Spencer: You were so focused on the pedo, you forgot all about the cannibal. Tale as old as time.

--
On the IMDb

What an Unseasonal Delight

Avenue 5 (2×2)

Ryan Clark: So, burn or starve?
Billie McEvoy: Well, it's nice to have options.
Ryan Clark: You know, I think I preferred it when it was chicken or fish.

Herman Judd: How can we accidently fly into the Sun? ... I've blocked out that fiery disc of shit with nothing but a parasol on a beach. I beat it then... and I'll beat it again.

Herman Judd: I just wanna outlive the Sun, Matt, is that too much to ask?

Matt Spencer: I need you to say no...
Herman Judd: Okay.
Matt Spencer: ...when I ask you, "Are you afraid of death?"
Herman Judd: N... no?
Matt Spencer: Great, but when you say "no," I need you to believe in it. Okay, so, are you afraid of naps?
Herman Judd: No. No, I love naps.
Matt Spencer: Well, death is just a long, beautiful nap. So, you are afraid of naps?
Herman Judd: No.
Matt Spencer: Are you afraid of long naps?
Herman Judd: No.
Matt Spencer: Are you afraid of death?
Herman Judd: No... Wait. Um...
Matt Spencer: Congratulations. You're ready to die!

Gimpymanhand: The Sun is made of gas. They might just pass through it. Science.

Doug: Houston, we have a pregnant.

Karen Kelly: Oh, my goodness. Human beings. Just feel and smell so good...
Frank Kelly: Karen.
Karen Kelly: Don't "Karen" me!

Karen Kelly: Frank is kinda like a sausage. He's very palatable, but you just don't know what he's full of.

Herman Judd: Relax. Three hundred is enough for all of us plus a couple of decoys in case people try to kill us while we flee.
Ryan Clark: No, no, no, it's... it's... it's children, sick, the elderly, right?
Matt Spencer: And the only survivors will be the infirm and the juvenile.

Ryan Clark: You know, I always thought that it would make a sound when you hit rock bottom, but... apparently not.

Doug: Hey, you know. Earlier you said that you were five months pregnant. I could swear it was four.
Mia: Okay, Doug. Do you love me?... No, it's okay. It's not a trap.
Doug: Then yes.
Mia: I need to tell you something.

Herman Judd: Sorry, sorry. Honestly, I hate being saved first. It's company policy. I'll... I'll be voting against it at our next AGM.

Mads: Are you cutting me loose? I hoped that...
Herman Judd: Hope? Oh, buddy, you gotta bury that fucker at birth. Otherwise, you'll never find true happiness-- No, that's bullshit, isn't it?

Herman Judd: I'm just saying there's a... a bright side. A... A sunny side. Oh, God damn it! Why is language taunting us?

Billie McEvoy: Listen up, everybody, in 60 seconds, we will be approaching and passing the apex. And if we make it past that, we might just be okay. and if we don't, see you in the next life... Who am I kidding? There is no next life. This is the fucking endgame. So, good luck, everybody. Oh, God. As if I believe in luck. I absolutely don't. It's just... I'm gonna stop talking now.

Herman Judd: I don't know where all this anger's coming from. I mean, would you really have wanted me to be out here? In a way, I just saved your best friend... Me.

Herman Actor: These science numbers are too damn high, Captain.
Ryan Actor: I get the strangest feeling that however hard I try to imagine space. It is, in the end, imagining me.
Iris Actor: Only two things are limitless. Imagination and space.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb
+ Soundtracks

No One Wants an Argument About Reality

Avenue 5 2×1

Elena: The chicken's good. It's not bad, is it?
Ryan Clark: Yeah. When you think that it's just reconstituted eel protein, it's actually-- it's actually all right.
Elena: But are the portions getting smaller?
Ryan Clark: No, I think you're just eating it from farther away, so it looks...

Ryan Clark: Because I am captain... anything I say is automatically seductive. Pass the salt...

Matt Spencer: Hey, Ryan, this is just your daily reminder to tell the passengers that they're gonna be stuck on this elegant space finger for nearly a decade.

Matt Spencer: You have to tell the truth, Ryan. Should I use a more aggressive tack? Because I find that British people often respond better to abuse than encouragement.
Ryan Clark: Now, look, Matt, you telling me that my breath smells like a cat's back passage is not gonna make me tell them any quicker.

Ryan Clark: ...if I tell the passengers that we are stuck up here for another eight years and the food is running out, I'm gonna become the next all-you-can-eat buffet.

Spike Martin: Ryan, it's time to retract your head from your ass. Don't be afraid of the truth.
Ryan Clark: I'm not afraid of the truth! I'm just afraid of it leaving my lips.

Herman Judd: Well, the good news is, is we only have to deal with four more weeks of that. I mean, Captain Ryan would've told us if the trip is gonna be any longer. Unless he has a good reason not to, which he doesn't. Not that I'd know.

Devon: Isn't this your ship?
Herman Judd: Ship... Yeah, name only. You know, you could just as easily blame Martin Luther King for king-sized beds.
Mads: Blame him for kings.
Herman Judd: Or kings.
Mads: Or sizes.

Rav Mulcair: And so... The passengers will be split into two groups. The first group... the Guaranteed... will be fed. The second group will be given a chance to...

Ryan Clark: That's it? That's your plan? That we turn half the passengers into a screaming, underfloor heating system?

Herman Judd: I have a question. What the fuck?

Matt Spencer: Look, is it not better that half of us die quickly than that all of us starve slowly, just to play devil's advocate?

Spike Martin: You're gonna have to tell them we're not going home in a month, Ryan.
Ryan Clark: Not going to do it. You can't make me tell them. I'm going to go and gargle some bleach now, so my voice box packs in.
Billie McEvoy: No, that will actually kill you.
Ryan Clark: Added bonus.

Rav Mulcair: I mean, you can only work with the options you're given. Mass death or selective death. There's no vegan option. I'm sorry.

Billie McEvoy: Really? You're gonna do it? You-- You-- You're gonna tell them?
Ryan Clark: I am resisting with every fiber of my being, which is how I know it's the right thing to do.

Frank Kelly: I was protecting her. It's like, you know, sometimes the best way of protecting someone is by subjugating them.

Matt Spencer: Okay, but, Frank, the vow is "to have and to hold," right? Not "hold hostage."
Rav Mulcair: It's always the quiet ones...

Billie McEvoy: No, no, no. Come on. You're gonna be great. You want to rehearse the whole thing with me?
Ryan Clark: No thanks. You don't rehearse expelling kidney stones. No, I just, I've got to go in there and just do it.

Devon: What's the maximum speed of this craft?
Herman Judd: Good question. What a good question. And one I wish I could answer, but I feel like it would be culturally insensitive to our captain, Captain Ryan, who is in charge of this ship and this voyage and any changes that happen to the voyage that cannot be known by us, or specifically by me.

Karen Kelly: Ryan, is it true? That nobody knows we're here for eight years?
Ryan Clark: See, I-- I thought I was doing the passengers a service. They've had five months in a state of blissful ignorance.

Ryan Clark: Ladies and gentlemen, I do have an announcement. It appears that we may not be returning to Earth for a considerable number of months.

Billie McEvoy: We're heading towards the Sun!

Ryan Clark: Look, look, whatever-- whatever happens, I promise you everything will be okay--

Iris Kimura: Hello, Avenue 5! This is mission control. Comms are back up. Is everything okay?
Ryan Clark: Yeah. Everything's fine. Just one small issue...
Iris Kimura: Okay. Everyone here has your best interests at heart. Mission control. Families. The list is endless.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb

Eight Arms but No Hands

Avenue 5 1×9

Ryan Clark: Hour? One hour?!
Billie McEvoy: Yes! Or 60 minutes, if a longer-sounding number makes you all feel better.
Herman Judd: For some reason, it does.

Herman Judd: Hey, Matt, it's Judd from work. You're the son I never had... the lover I never wanted.

Herman Judd: How 'bout this tough guy captain, huh? Alpha to the nut sack.
Iris Kimura: Proactive.
Ryan Clark: Yeah, like a yogurt.

Karen Kelly: We will be ruthless.
Iris Kimura: But also, merciless.
Ryan Clark: Um... Aren't those the same thing?
Iris Kimura: No. You need to be both.
Ryan Clark: Oh. Okay.

Ryan Clark: Seriously, my decision to make a quick decision was itself a bad decision. I have the decision-making powers of a pigeon trapped in a library.
Herman Judd: A library. Why... why is the pigeon in the library?
Ryan Clark: I... I saw a pigeon in a library once. It did not make good decisions.

Herman Judd: We tried... You know, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't stop it from throwing itself violently out of an airlock...

Ryan Clark: I'm the captain of a ship that's leaking passengers.

Ryan Clark: Come with me. And you can call me Captain 'cause I think I deserve it this time.

Herman Judd: Why does the fusion drive need an antechamber?
Ryan Clark: I don't know.
Herman Judd: Right. I keep forgetting that.

Ryan Clark: Why do I keep thinking I'm clever? I'm not. On a good day, I'm barely not stupid.

Matt Spencer: I've been itemizing my thoughts. Thought 309: "Every year, we pass the pre-anniversary of our death but we don't even know it, so we don't get presents".

Matt Spencer: Thought 14: "Poor octopus... eight arms, but no hands. Fuck you, God".

---

Ryan Clark: He must be headed for the shuttle... Oh, shittle.

Herman Judd: Go, go, go, go, Starbuck!
Paul: Yes, sir.
Herman Judd: Go! Go, go, go!
Paul: Yes, sir. We're going, going, going, going. That button initiates prelaunch. The rest is automated.

Herman Judd: No! Me? Why?
Jordan Hatwal: Uh, well, in order: hatred, yes, you, and because you contemplated mass murder.

Herman Judd: On second thought, what's six months anyway? I was in my mom's womb longer than that.

Herman Judd: Boom. The hero returns.

Karen Kelly: Whoa. What's that?
Ryan Clark: It's a bag with some of my friend in it.
Karen Kelly: Okay... You're gonna need a cool bag because that will drip.

Matt Spencer: You're very unhappy. You know that thing you do where you act sarcastic so we all feel sorry for you? It works. We do.

Ryan Clark: Well, I am moved by your faith. And then your lack of it. And now, your indifference.

Paul: You know, you've been my least favorite so far.
Jordan Hatwal: Well, you're not exactly Audrey Hepburn, are you?

Ryan Clark: This is like psychosis, but without any of the advantages.

Frank Kelly: That's the woman who made me marry her!

Ryan Clark: No, the whole point is to jettison from the back of the ship 'cause that's what pushes you forwards, in the direction you wanna go. You've gotta... shit out of the back of the ship. This is basic shitting!
Billie McEvoy: Even babies know that, Karen. They shit out the back pretty consistently.

Rav Mulcair: Does no one teach physics in America?!

Karen Kelly: I feel like I'm dying and my teeth are falling out!

Cyrus: On our new trajectory...
Karen Kelly: I don't wanna hear this.

Cyrus: ...... eight years.

Karen Kelly: I need you to do something really bad so that everybody looks at you and not at me, okay?

Spike Martin: I wonder which will go first, the mind or the body?... My money's on the mind.

Matt Spencer: Eight years! That's longer than the Beatles were together!! That's longer than the Seven Years' War!!!

Herman Judd: Iris! You think she can hear me?
Ryan Clark: No. But you may as well keep screaming.

--
On the IMDb

This is Physically Hurting Me

Avenue 5 1×8

Karen Kelly: It was insanely funny. I was just laughing on the inside.

Ryan Clark: Can you... Could you... just give me a little bit of space? Feels like I'm trying to urinate in front of a war crimes tribunal.

Harrison Ames: You know, I can't wait to see you led away in shackles, like the leisure industry huckster you are.

Matt Spencer: Hey, little man. Here's what we're gonna do. You're gonna thank him for his service, and then send him to his death.

Iris Kimura: Sir, you're doing it again. You're air quoting around "people."

Matt Spencer: You guys know Bloody Mary? It's an old drink named after this woman who liked to set Protestants on fire. It's delish, and we need Tabasco for it.

Pilot: I'm just gonna listen to this true crime podcast about that Greta Gerwig thing.
Rav Mulcair: Oh yeah, everyone's got a theory about that.

Iris Kimura: Let's climb down from a place of anger.
Herman Judd: Oh, I don't get angry. I have two emotions. Elation and genius.

Ryan Clark: Oh, well, fuck you then! No more tugging my forelock! In fact, you can fucking have my forelock!

Iris Kimura: Is that a hairpiece? You're British and bald?
Ryan Clark: Balding! Balding!

Herman Judd: Re-hair yourself! Please! I'll re-captain you!

Herman Judd: I want this ship re-captained.

Jaden: Hi, question. If we really are moving at thousands of miles an hour, how come it doesn't feel like it?
Billie McEvoy: I don't have time to explain all of physics to you.
Jaden: Okay, you don't have to explain all of physics to me, I work in VFX. It stands for visual effects?
Billie McEvoy: Oh. Well, I would like to see a visual effect of you not talking to me.

Pilot: Yeah... we're going back.
Rav Mulcair: Yes, we're going back.
Pilot: Yeah, but my "we're" or your "we're"? I feel like we're at crossed "we'res."

---

Ryan Clark: Sorry, I'm a buffet virgin.

Ryan Clark: I'm getting gang buffeted.

Ryan Clark: Okay, well, I've got another game that I'm playing. It's called...
Matt Spencer: Yeah, it's okay. Names are hard.
Ryan Clark: No, I've got it. It's called... It's called "Fuck You in the Stupid Fucking Face" and "I Hope Your Spaceship Fucking Crashes." "Fuck You" is what it's called.
Matt Spencer: Yeah. That sounds like a good game.

Harrison Ames: I want you both to know that I am not afraid of women. I simply now choose to walk away.

Herman Judd: Wait a second, so are you an actor?
Sarah: Well, if you're noticing me acting, then I would say that actually, I'm not doing my job properly.
Jaz: Everything is fake!

Billie McEvoy: These people are so dumb... I am just hanging out with pigs and dolphins when we get back.

Billie McEvoy: I don't know why you think you're right and I am wrong.
Jaden: Because I work in VFX. That stands for visual effects.

Herman Judd: No, no, it's not fake. It's just cheap. Cost effective.

Matt Spencer: I believe you! We're in a simulation—
Ryan Clark: No. Matt, Matt, this is not the time.
Matt Spencer: But it is the universe that is the simulation, not the ship... The smallest subatomic particles we can see look like pixels. This is all a game. But it feels real, and if you go out there, you will die within the simulation.

Herman Judd: Uh, yes. That is exactly what happened here today. Uh, Matthew nuanced seven people to death.

Pilot: Okay, look, I'm the pilot. I'm going home, whatever happens. The passenger is either you or Mr. Judd or both of you if one of you has eaten the other. Okay?

--
On the IMDb

Are You a Spider, Matt?

Avenue 5 1×7

Matt Spencer: Space and luxury... a somewhat awkward marriage. But then, isn't every marriage? I know mine was!

Frank Kelly: I can see a face there, kind of. It's maybe... John Paul!
Spike Martin: Beatles or Getty?

Matt Spencer: Judd Very Light Beer. It hurts less on the way in than it does on the way out. It feels like you're peeing actual fire.

Ryan Clark: I treat handshakes the way I treat my job. I like pressure.
Harrison Ames: Yes. Well, pressure... creates diamonds.
Ryan Clark: Then consider this a 25-carat shake.

Harrison Ames: I think that's the saddest thing I've ever heard. And I've heard whalesong.

Rav Mulcair: This should all be on Judd! He's in charge. I was just following... Yes, yes, I know, but sometimes that is what people should do.

Rav Mulcair: Alan, could you possibly find me some coordinates as far away from Earth as possible? Fuck off there!

Matt Spencer: Are you into spiritual epiphany and poop? Then come down to deck five. It's like Woodstock down there. But Catholic!

Karen Kelly: I am not belittling it, honey. It just is little!

Ryan Clark: Are... What are you? Are you a spider, Matt?
Matt Spencer: Well, I admire their industry, and the fact that they play the long game. Hey, look at my abdominal ganglion!

Ryan Clark: Oh, god.
Iris Kimura: Problem?
Ryan Clark: No, just, just... relishing the cold embrace of an empty inbox.

---

Jordan Hatwal: So... How long exactly is it until everyone starts eating each other?
Billie McEvoy: No, we've got enough food for years, it's just we're out of flavorings.
Jordan Hatwal: So... we're gonna not eat each other, but use each other as seasoning.
Billie McEvoy: That was... quantifiably funny.

Billie McEvoy: I gotta go. But this has been...
Jordan Hatwal: Fun.
Billie McEvoy: Not fun, but... you know... It happened. Let's do it again.

Matt Spencer: Five hundred non-essential passengers are not going to be jettisoned out of the airlock. But, if they were, why are you essential?

Billie McEvoy: ...there are some extremely gifted candidates that can do it in four.
Ryan Clark: And these extremely gifted candidates, are they guys in their late 50s who can barely steer piss into a toilet bowl?

Ryan Clark: It's at the top of my agenda. It's actually above the word "agenda."

Ryan Clark: Harrison. How are your tomatoes?
Harrison Ames: Well, they're tomatoes. What can you say about tomatoes?

Iris Kimura: I think Ryan is boring him to death.
Herman Judd: Boring is bad. But to death... To death is good.

Ryan Clark: I could hug you, but neither one of us wants that.

Billie McEvoy: Well, let's just hope that you are really, really good with deadlines.
Ryan Clark: The only thing I hear there is "dead!"

--
On the IMDb

Was It Your Ears?

Avenue 5 1×6

Karen Kelly: Two options. One, murder. And two, and I know I keep looping back to this... murder.

Herman Judd: Vacuum extraction! My idea! We're gonna suck a person out of this person!

Ryan Clark: Presumably, it's a warning of some kind.
Billie McEvoy: Well, yes, you don't usually have a recurring beep to tell you everything's going just fine.

Herman Judd: Man, they really love that baby, huh?
Matt Spencer: Yeah, babies are like New Zealanders. Everyone loves them and the funny way they talk.

Ryan Clark: The running out of air, is it as bad as they say? Or not as bad?
Billie McEvoy: Yeah, it's bad. I mean, like, first you get, like, a grittiness in your eyes, then your tongue is literally gonna boil in your mouth before you just pass out and you just never wake up again.
Spike Martin: Don't forget the organ failure.
Ryan Clark: Oh, I almost forgot the organ failure.

Ryan Clark: Iris, you should prepare to enjoy your last moments of happiness, because we think we may have an oxygen leak.

Ryan Clark: Do we have enough to get home?
Spike Martin: It depends. Vigorous activity would drain this turkey in no time. I'm talking exercise, singing, lovemaking, if you're doing it right...

Matt Spencer: I think it's about what your inner voice is telling you about yourself.
Herman Judd: What is it saying? The one I'm using now?
Matt Spencer: No, the voice inside your head.
Herman Judd: Oh, no, my thoughts connect instantaneously with my mouth. It's extremely efficient. Clinically, it's probably very unique.

Herman Judd: Good morning and so forth. Mm-hmm.
Iris Kimura: Oh, Mr. Judd...
Herman Judd: Great. Shall we begin this meeting forthwith heretofore, please?

Herman Judd: Mm-mm. I never say sorry. Like my hero, Gandhi.

Herman Judd: So, I have figured out a way to re-perceive the turd sleeve around this ship. Three words: theatrical lighting rig.
Ryan Clark: And here's five: what, what, and why? Uh... No, that's four. Fuck, I'm so tired. Jesus.

Karen Kelly: ...bearing in mind the scarcity of resources, can we try to keep lang' at an abs' min'?
Iris Kimura: Wh... What are you saying?
Karen Kelly: I am trying to conserve oxygen by... 'bridging my w'rds.
Iris Kimura: Well, it's highly, highly confusing.
Karen Kelly: You see, you did not need the second "highly," one would've s'ff'c'd. Would... Sufficed.
Ryan Clark: Jesus frazzling Christ! Can we skip the missing letters round?
Herman Judd: I've just reconsidered your earlier point, re: an apology. S'ry.

Mia: Question: are we really running out of air? Supplemental: what the fuck?
Herman Judd: Yes! To your first question. I don't know how to answer your second question.

Ryan Clark: Well, we could double the dose? He might have a stroke, then you'll only be physically wiping his ass.

Karen Kelly: Now, honey, I have an update for you, and I don't want you to go all flappy on me... The ship is leaking oxygen. From what I understand, it will be like drowning with dirt in your mouth and a tractor on your chest.

Karen Kelly: So don't talk. Because then you will last marginally longer. Attaboy.

---

Ryan Clark: I actually want lots and lots and lots of sedatives.
Matt Spencer: Look, my area of expertise is pretty limited. It's basically recreational barbiturates, Eastern sex practices, Christmas music.

Matt Spencer: I do know suffering, and you're suffering. So I just need a little bit more information to make sure I'm not causing more harm than I'm fixing.
Ryan Clark: I was bullied at school.
Matt Spencer: Was it your ears?
Ryan Clark: What? No! What do you mean? What's wrong with my ears?
Matt Spencer: Nothing. But that is what I would go in on, if I was bullying you. I'd make you self-conscious about something that isn't even a thing because it makes you question your sanity. Ain't that right, you jar-eared Dumbo fuck?!

Ryan Clark: Take two of these, it's like you've died and gone to the opera.
Billie McEvoy: All right, so give me one because I'm so tired that my hair hurts me.

Herman Judd: We will plug this leak. But until we do, you must remain breathing steadily to minimize all oxygen usage. And cut out all unnecessary conversation. No sighing, no gasping, no unnecessary sneezing, no flouncing. If you have to be passive aggressive, do it only with your eyes. Relax... But do remain breathing calmly. That is now a legal requirement. Thanks, gang.

Spike Martin: No, no, no, wait. This is recorded. That's... that's not the actual beep. That's the actual beep.

Jordan Hatwal: Okay, I'm gonna tell a joke now. The setup is that there are three men of three different nationalities. I won't tell you which nationalities, 'cause otherwise you might find it amusing. The punchline is that one of the men in the joke is considerably more parsimonious than the other two men in the joke. Thus concludes the joke.

Ryan Clark: You have to think before you speak. And then, think again. And then think, "I shouldn't speak." And then, don't speak.

Herman Judd: And... light 'em up!

Billie McEvoy: It is beautiful... Until you really think about it.
Ryan Clark: Who knew shit could be so enchanting?...
Herman Judd: Me. I did. I knew.
Matt Spencer: He's transformed the most disgusting thing imaginable into a kaleidoscope of butt truffles!
Ryan Clark: Well, you gotta say, he knows his audience.

Ryan Clark: Okay, it's over. The nightmare is over. This... this part of the nightmare is over.

Matt Spencer: Congratulations. Why don't you give yourself a little pat on the back, or the ass? Give your ass a little squeeze, and then... go make love to yourself in a sleazy motel. You earned it.
Herman Judd: You're really fucking weird, dude.

Matt Spencer: Your ears are beautiful. To me.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb

He's Only There To Stop His Skeleton Falling Over

Avenue 5 1×5

Billie McEvoy: Captain, you ready to do this?
Ryan Clark: I'd always hoped that my last words might be better than... "Fuck me, no."

Billie McEvoy: Okay, it's a spacewalk, so... walk.

Billie McEvoy: So, Captain, what exactly are you looking at?
Ryan Clark: The inside of my eyelids.
Billie McEvoy: Ha.
Ryan Clark: Ah. There appears to be no floor.

Alan: Where are you going?
Rav Mulcair: I'm gonna do 600 pushups and then throw up in the sink.

Billie McEvoy: Can you get visuals on the wet suit compromise?
Ryan Clark: "Have visuals"? What's wrong with "see"? Or "come back in".

Ryan Clark: I might actually sneeze. What happens then? Billie, what's the sneezing protocol in space?

Herman Judd: He's so modest, he could almost be British. Why the fuck did I say that?
Iris Kimura: I think that stuff is neurodevelopmental.

Passenger: Hey, is... is that true?
Matt Spencer: Well, it was true when I said it. Like a marriage vow.

Iris Kimura: So... Jokes. Do some.

Ryan Clark: Who's Frank?
Karen Kelly: My husband.
Ryan Clark: Oh! Do you mind if we don't talk about him? He's... He's only there to stop his skeleton from falling over.

---

Ryan Clark: I just did something, and I don't know what it was! I don't know what I'm doing! I don't know how anybody knows what they're doing! Does anybody know what they're doing? How does anything work? Does anybody know? How... I mean who knows how that door works?
Karen Kelly: It doesn't work.
Ryan Clark: Well, I didn't even know how it doesn't work!

Frank Kelly: The sky is full of S-H-I-T...

Ryan Clark: We make a really great team. You saving the ship, and me thanking you for that.

Billie McEvoy: Was your oxygen restricted in your early developmental years?

Doug: I ruined it for her. So I won.

Ryan Clark: Billie, don't ever, ever show anyone your feelings. All right? Just bury them as deep as you can. Scrunch them up into a little tiny ball and then just... Grow a couple of ulcers if you wanna mark the spot, but otherwise, just smile, pretend everything's fine.

Herman Judd: Why is the shit still outside there? Iris! It's getting thicker.
Iris Kimura: We're... We're working on it.

Karen Kelly: You hurt him without my consent and involvement and I will harm you deeply.

Ryan Clark: Do you have a whistle you can blow to keep him under control?
Iris Kimura: When he gets like this, it's best to just let him wear himself out.

Ryan Clark: Calm... and I cannot stress this enough... THE FUCK DOWN!!!

Ryan Clark: Mr. Judd did not mean shit anybody out. He was making a joke.
Herman Judd: Yeah. Yeah. You guys don't understand comedy. I do. What I did back there, that was comedy. Idiots.

Billie McEvoy: I think everything will be okay if we just stick together.
Ryan Clark: Worked for every extinct species in history.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb

Wait A Minute, Then Who Was That On The Ladder?

Avenue 5 1×4

Ryan Clark: Oh, bugger. I'm still here.

Ryan Clark: Sorry, can't... Can't let you see that, because then I'd have to sleep with you to find out what you saw, and then kill you.
Spike Martin: We've all been there!

Herman Judd: Anyone giving negative comments should be blacklisted from all future voyages. How would they like that?
Iris Kimura: I imagine they might like that a lot.

Ryan Clark: You know, I just a little bit curious as to why you never told me that the whole crew are a bunch of fakes who have been shat out of Julliard.

Ryan Clark: Maybe I should learn about this stuff. Space and so on.
Billie McEvoy: Uh... I'll, um... I'll explain it to you...

Herman Judd: I don't wanna go the same way as Richard Branson! Fed to his own pigs on his private island...

Herman Judd: Oh. I don't like being unhappy, Iris. I just don't like it.
Iris Kimura: You get used to it.
Herman Judd: Do you verbally consent to a hug?

Iris Kimura: Okay, so you can meet 19 people a week.
Herman Judd: Nineteen. Odd number. Don't people come in couples?
Iris Kimura: No. Widows, widowers, priests, ugly people. You're not a couple.

Ryan Clark: This is just hopeless. I don't even believe they're actors.

---

Ryan Clark: So, popcorn and dirty jokes. Who's in? ... So, she said, "Wait a minute, well, then, who was that on the ladder?"

Ryan Clark: Seriously, though, on a scale of one to "we're all going to die," how fucked did you think we were when we found out that I'm just a beard in a Sergeant Pepper uniform?

— Fly safe!
Ryan Clark: Fly drunk!

Billie McEvoy: There is a shitstorm coming, and when I say "shit," I mean shit, and when I say "storm," I mean shit!

Billie McEvoy: Captain. We are currently leaking human shit and piss live right now.
Ryan Clark: Wha...
Billie McEvoy: Or excrement and urine, if you're in first class.

Matt Spencer: So, the ship seems to be shitting itself, but don't get hung up on results, Frank. The journey is the destination.

Herman Judd: Iris, I'm hearing things right now that would worry me if they were true. Please tell me they're not true.
Iris Kimura: They're all lies.
Herman Judd: Oh, thank God. Wait! You're just saying that because I told you to, aren't you?
Iris Kimura: Yes.
Herman Judd: Oh, fuck!

Matt Spencer: Okay, if anyone needs to freak out, this is a safe space. Emotionally. Physically, we're obviously in terrible danger.

Herman Judd: Look, I think you may have to do this...

Billie McEvoy: Ryan? Ryan, can you hear me? Are you ready to do this?
Ryan Clark: With every fiber of my being, NO!

--
On the IMDb

I'm a Hand Model

Avenue 5 1×3

Ryan Clark: Mads, trajectory calculations.
Mads: We're flying safe, Cap.
— Fly true!

Rav Mulcair: I haven't heard anything you said yet because of the delay, but I'm guessing it's something along the lines of what I can go do to myself.

Ryan Clark: Matt. Can I wear you as an insult-proof vest?

Karen Kelly: Frank, tell this pair of empty smiles about your double chicken!
Matt Spencer: So, I got served chicken and eggs.
Which came first?

Max: I found gum on my pillow.
Matt Spencer: So, in some cultures, that's actually considered good luck.

Tim: The lady at the nursery, she called my son a pig.
Matt Spencer: Well, to the Chinese, which is most people, the pig represents wealth and hard work. They're not the fat, filthy scavengers that everyone thinks they are.

Ryan Clark: Come in. My door's always broken.

Iris Kimura: I'll hire the actors now.
Herman Judd: They gotta be sad looking and non-union.
Iris Kimura: One thing usually means the other.

Ryan Clark: This is a, uh, 2024 Pinot Meunier. Excellent year.
Karen Kelly: Hottest year on record. The fish in our pond boiled to death.
Ryan Clark: Let's drink to the fish. Let's drink like fish. Let's just drink.

Karen Kelly: What? You are British? You're from actual Britland?

---

Billie McEvoy: You're gonna number-fuck us, aren't you?
Ryan Clark: You didn't factor... meaning you didn't count. Just to be clear.

Ryan Clark: "Yep"? You can't say "yep." This isn't a time for "yep!"

Billie McEvoy: Cyrus, you're like Santa Claus with a sack full of shit.

Ryan Clark: No. I don't know what you talking about... I'm not fluent in facial expressions. You should try words.

Karen Kelly: Oh, big fat Buddha. I am hyper-effing-ventilating here.

Karen Kelly: I need to invert because I do not wanna pass out before I finish yelling at you, you mother-effing C-sucker!

Karen Kelly: No. F me. F me with a... CB. No!

Ryan Clark: Well, this is classic passenger liaison, Karen. You've gotta go out there, and you've gotta liaise them up the A with a very cheesy baguette.

Billie McEvoy: Do you notice anything about this oddly good looking group of people?
Ryan Clark: They're attractive.
Billie McEvoy: They're very attractive. Almost like they're actors... They're actors.

Ryan Clark: What is the collective noun for idiots? A thick?!

Ryan Clark: Judd must operate on a never-need-to-know basis.

Ryan Clark: Our course home has been set. There's a lot of people counting on us to get them there. Sarah, lights!

--
On the IMDb
+ Soundtracks

And Then He's Gonna Shoot Off...

Avenue 5 1×2

Billie McEvoy: Okay, um, so the plan was to use Titan's gravity as an assist to save propellant...
Doug: English, please!
Billie McEvoy: Which one of those words was not English, sir?

Matt Spencer: I'm definitely gonna remember this conversation if that's any help legacy-wise.

Herman Judd: You tell those assholes... It is plural. You tell them that I may not be back tomorrow, but I will return like an angry Jesus, raining down blood and filth and terror on all those who betrayed me!
Matt Spencer: Classic Jesus. You mess with his money, he fucks you right up.

Cyrus: I've just mixed us a cocktail of "Keep calm and suck my balls," because it's not gonna be three years.

Ryan Clark: Who are you and what the hell happened to your trousers?

Frank Kelly: Three years? The kids will be three years older in three years. We gotta get home. We should try to escape.
Matt Spencer: Yes! Wait, that's brilliant. We can knot some bed sheets together, and we can hit the airlock.
Karen Kelly: Frank has the same right to speak as anyone. ...
Matt Spencer: Yeah, shut up, Frank, and let yourself speak.

Herman Judd: They're not gonna sue the man who owns the oxygen supply.
Iris Kimura: You wanna limit the oxygen supply?
Herman Judd: No. But look into it, but no. But do.

Iris Kimura: We can't be defeatist. A problem is just a solution without a solution.

Ryan Clark: Oyez, oyez, I bring good tidings. Just been talking to my favorite engineer, brilliant mind, terrible knees.

Herman Judd: You know how you make things happen? You find someone who'll say it can happen, and then you make them say it. That's how they built the pyramids.

Rav Mulcair: We're planning a joint space mission. You won't share your password?

---

Rav Mulcair: Is... Is that the figure or a phone number we call to get the figure?

Billie McEvoy: So, uh, there may be some more bad news, or as I'm learning to call it, news...

Spike Martin: Joe is a moon! He'll pass by us every hour or so.
Matt Spencer: Well, in a way, that's... I don't wanna say "dependable," but, uh... I'm gonna go with "macabre."

Herman Judd: Suck on that, NASA! "NASA" stands for... "Not Anymore, Stupid Assholes!"

Ryan Clark: Am I disturbing you?
Iris Kimura: My life is disturbance.

Billie McEvoy: He is like... You know, the best analogy I can think of is he's like an idiot in charge of a spaceship, but that is not an analogy, that is just a fact.

Ryan Clark: I think if you put your brain up against NASA's, you come up a bit fucking short.
Billie McEvoy: Very short.
Herman Judd: First of all, I have a much greater social media presence than NASA does! Second, don't you ever talk to me like that again, unless you do it in proper English, which is American!

Ryan Clark: Just stop suggesting things you don't understand.
Herman Judd: That's gonna be really hard for me to do, because I understand everything! All things! I'm the alpha and the beta! I know... so much! So much!

Karen Kelly: Together, we start to fight back!
Matt Spencer: Eat the rich!
Karen Kelly: No, not that.

Iris Kimura: Fact check how long dictatorships last after the first bout of chanting. Also, ask Mission Control what the fuck is going on with the gravity. Pull through, Iris. Pull through.

--
On the IMDb

I Was Flying

Avenue 5 1×1

Captain Ryan Clark: Have a great morning, everybody. Fly safe, fly true.

Ryan Clark: Good morning, Iris. Surrounded by stars, and yet still you shine...

Herman Judd: New idea. We'd sell more steaks if the restaurant was completely red. That's science, probably. Uh, check that it's science.

Herman Judd: Does yoga burn a lot of calories? Because we're losing profits in the food court. Can they, like, move more? Fast yoga?

Matt Spencer: Okay. Uh... Excusez-moi. Duty calls. But I would love to disperse your irritation. And I would love to hear more about Joyce's huge little toe, so, uh... let's circle back.
Karen Kelly: Okay, well, I will circle back in an hour.
Frank Kelly: She will. She's very persistent.
Matt Spencer: Well, I'm very absorbent.

Ryan Clark: Okay, everybody. Everything is fine! Everybody, stay calm. And pay attention to my words and not my tone.

Ryan Clark: Just keep breathing, all right? Keep breathing, everything will be fine.

Iris Kimura: So, we're through the worst?
Ryan Clark: Steady as the rock you're carved from, Iris. Just your standard Tuesday.

— Is the ship breaking down? Are we safe?
Matt Spencer: I am as ignorant as you— That sounds rude. I meant it to be self-deprecating.

Ryan Clark: Ladies, gentlemen, and fluids... Crisis over... We all have a cool story to tell our therapists and chiropractors.

Karen Kelly: Why is there a dead man in the sky?

Spike Martin: R.I.P. Joe. You're a star man now.

Iris Kimura: This may be the worst disaster since Google folded!
Ryan Clark: They'll figure this out. You know, they turned the moon into a massive jail, they patented the liquid glove. How hard can it be to reset a course?

Herman Judd: .21 degrees. That's, like, what, less than half a right angle? How can that make us three years late?

Billie McEvoy: Okay, who's the engineer here?
Herman Judd: Who's the genius?
Ryan Clark: Who's the captain?
Iris Kimura: Who fucked up?

---

— Should we be scared?
Matt Spencer: Maybe, if... if you want.

Matt Spencer: I'm trained to make sure that your body wash gets replenished, not to rectify the catastrophe of human existence. So, worrying doesn't help, okay? Because the way you're acting right now, I'm finding you all extremely unenjoyable at this point! And I wish we were in separate rooms, and I hate being alone!

Ryan Clark: I was a bystander! I can be in the vicinity of a catastrophe, wearing a nice hat! Anything more than that, I'm out!

Ryan Clark: Am I Australian? No, I'm not Australian. I'll tell you what I am: I'm English.
Herman Judd: What the fuck?! That's so much worse!
Ryan Clark: Oh, really? You think that's worse? Well, this is worse even than that. I'm not a captain either.

Ryan Clark: This is a driverless ship. All right? I was hired just to... to give the passengers some reassurance. I think it's as insane as you do.
Herman Judd: And the American accent?
Ryan Clark: I... I dunno. Passengers find American more reassuring. God knows why.

Herman Judd: You see this little piece of floor over here? More useful than you!

Ryan Clark: Look! I am doing exactly what I was employed to do. Not one molecule of this is my fault!

Herman Judd: All right, Captain... Not America.

Ryan Clark: Joe's social skills were... I mean, the man could barely finish. In terms of sentences.

Ryan Clark: Okay. So, here's the thing: I'm going to assemble the crew, and do some reassurance on them.

Karen Kelly: So, we've got an S-storm brewing, and this A-hole is not helping.

Ryan Clark: No, I've got a plan. Just... go in there and smile. Works every time.

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+ Quotes on the IMDb