Derek 2×7

Christmas Special

& Tom: It’s not the best job in the world, but... It’s not great. But it pays money and you need money for things that are great. Like a kid.

& Derek: God rested on Sunday, didn’t he? Hannah don’t. She works seven days a week. Helping people, innit?

& Father Richard: So, you’re both Christian, though.
    Hannah: What do you mean by Christian?
    Tom: What do you mean by both?
    Father Richard: What?

& Father Richard:
    Hannah: Well, I don’t want to lie, so it’s probably fair to say that I don’t go along with all the mumbo jumbo side of it, but I do try and live a good life, and I am forgiving.
    Tom: I’m Jewish.
    Father Richard: Jewish...
    Tom: Yeah. Again, I was raised Jewish, but I don’t believe in a Jewish God.
    Father Richard: I mean, it’s the same God...
    Tom: OK. Er, I don’t believe in any God.
    Father Richard: Um, well, that... So, neither of you really believe in God, and, er, you’re Jewish...
    Kev: So, have you not got a foreskin?

& Derek: We all needs a mate... It’s natural. And it might take you a while to find the right one, but you will. And you might lose ’em, but it was good that you found them in the first place.

& Derek: Joan used to say, «If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.»

& Derek: If we can’t care for everyone, what’s the point?

---

& Kev: It’s not that I can’t live without drink, all right? I’ve just given up trying to be happy.

& Hannah: Here’s what you’re going to do. You’re going to stop drinking. You’re going to stop drowning your sorrows and get through your day sober. And you will lay awake at night wishing you were dead and you’ll wake up in the morning wishing you were dead but you’re just going to get through it and that will keep going on, all right? You’ll keep wishing you were dead, waking up wishing you were dead, but one night, you’ll sleep, and one morning, you’ll wake up wishing you were dead just a little bit less and then you’ll stop wishing you were dead altogether. And you’ll start wishing you had a better life. And then you’ll start living. And that will all have been because of Derek.

& Hannah: I forgot the father of the bride makes a speech.
    Kev: I think we’re all agreed this is quite a tragic event. They couldn’t do a church. She’s dressed in white when she’s about to drop a sprog. She works 60 hours a week while her new husband works on the bins. They haven’t got a pot to piss in, money-wise, hence the low-budget reception in an old people’s home with some of the worst guests you could imagine... Definitely. The best man is an absolute psycho. No offence, mate... And her dad is dead, hence me of all people giving her away. And they’ve got no honeymoon whatsoever to look forward to... Awful. And it got me thinking, «Has there ever been a worse wedding than this?» And then I remembered a story I was told when I was at school.
        On April 29th, 1945, in Berlin, with the Russian army closing in, Adolf Hitler, in his bunker, married the love of his life Eva Braun. They drank champagne, ate some cake and retired to bed. In the morning, Eva took some cyanide, Adolf shot himself in the head and the gardener burnt their bodies. And that is a worse wedding than this. To the bride and groom.
    — To the bride and groom!
    Derek: Well done, Kev.

& Hannah: D’you know what we’ve called him?
    Derek: Justin Timberlake!
    Hannah: No!
    Derek: What?
    Hannah: Derek.
    Derek: Really?
    Hannah: Yeah.
    Derek: Baby Derek.
    Hannah: We hope he turns out as brilliant as you. He’d better. Cos Derek’s a fucking dreadful name.

--
On the IMDb

Σ Brilliant. Just & simply brilliant. Very touching. As always.

Derek 2×6

& Derek: First rule. Always get up.

& Anthony: That’s the difference between mums and dads. Mums never want you to fall off. Dads want you to fall off straightaway so you know what it feels like, and if you get hurt, you won’t fall off again.

& Derek: What’s that? Is that one of them what you ask it questions?
    Anthony: Yes.
    Derek: What would win out of a gorilla and an orang-utan?
    Smartphone: ’Here’s a recipe...’
    Derek: What?
    Smartphone: ’...for grilled meringues.’

& Kev: Easy. Number one — stop gurning like a goldfish... All that business. Number two — stop combing your hair forward like an old monk... And number three — stop doing that like... like pincers, like a lobster or a crab.
    Derek: What would win out of a lobster and a crab?
    Kev: And that’s got to stop also. All the, “What would win? What would win?” I don’t want questions, I want answers.
    Derek: What would win out of answers and questions?

& Derek: What things do you like?
    Tracey: Oh, I don’t know. I only made a list of questions, not answers.
    Derek: Ask me them, then.
    Tracey: What things do you like?
    Derek: Susan Boyle, cats, Hannah, old people, Robbie Williams, Britain’s Got Talent, Miranda, monkeys, piglets, Mrs Brown Boys...
    Tracey: Brilliant. I like burping.
    Derek: I likes burping.

& Derek: What about the frogs what legs you took off? Are they disabled now?

---

& Derek: Have you got any chicken?
    Waiter: The poulet. Yeah. That is the chicken.
    Derek: So, why, why you eating frogs before the chicken’s run out?

& Derek: What? Real snails?
    Waiter: Mm-hm. Cooked, of course.
    Derek: Of course. Could you eat a slug?
    Waiter: No.
    Derek: But you eats a snail and a frog.
    Waiter: You can probably best just go for the chicken.

& Vicky: Don’t worry about it. I used to be a dickhead.
    Geoff: OK.

& Waiter: Oh, sorry, no! That’s the towels.
    Derek: They looks just like the mints. Thank you.
    Waiter: Just, er...
    Derek: French food is funny, innit?

& Anthony: Always choose the girl, boy.

& Anthony: I loves being alive. It’s my favouritest thing. I loves every day. I don’t want it to end. But I looks forward to the next day starting. I even like sleeping, cos I likes dreaming. Cos, um, my dreams are just as good as my real life. They’re sort of the same, really.

& Derek: So, is he in heaven now?
    Hannah: What do you think?
    Derek: I don’t know if there is a heaven. I’m suspicious. But if heaven is for people what did good, then he would be in heaven. Definitely.

& Derek: Is my dad in heaven?
    Smartphone: ’I’m sorry, I don’t know where that is.’

& Derek: That’s the amazing thing about life, you can just start again. Just rub it out, like a blackboard, start again. It’s what you do from now.

& Derek: So, if you has an argument with someone, just say sorry. If you haven’t spoken to someone for a long time, call ’em up now. If you haven’t spoken to your mum, call her up. It’s never too late, until it is.

--
On the IMDb

Σ Brilliant.

Derek 2×5

& Anthony: Where’s the whiskey?
    Derek: Hannah CONSIFICATED it, because you can’t have it, cos you gotta be cruel to be kind.
    Anthony: There were people on the Titanic who pushed away their pudding.
    Derek: .... I don’t know what that means. But you can’t have your whiskey.

& Anthony: People always want to live a long life. Live a fun life. Yeah... If you don’t smoke and drink you live another ten years. But they’re the worst ten years.

& Kev: Yeah, I drink. So what? Deal with it. I’m a drinker. It’s what I do. Beats my reality. I don’t push drink onto anyone, so don’t push your sobriety onto me, please.

---

& Kev: Yeah, I like doing my art. Yeah. It gives me pleasure, and it doesn’t cause any harm, does it? It’s nice to express what’s going on in my head. Add a bit of beauty to the world, hopefully... Robocock. Or Exsperminator. Or Hard-on-D2.

& Derek: Geoff said pets aren’t allowed in heaven cos they’ve got no souls. If that’s true, I don’t want to go. I’ll go where the pets are.

& Derek: I don’t find anyone surprising, cos I always thinks, everyone’s surprising. Do you know what I mean?

& Derek: You can’t ever... You can’t ever think you know someone cos they’ve got summat else. You don’t know when it’s going to happen.

Idlewild — In Remote Part/Scottish Fiction

--
On the IMDb

Σ Heartbreaking ep.

Derek 2×4

& Kev: .... It’s a true story.
    Art’s teacher: Don’t see any fruit.
    Kev: Oh, there’s fruit, love. I got a kumquat up my rectum.

& Derek: We’re going to the zoo today. I’m... I’m just getting in the mood, looking at my favouritest videos on YouTube. Animal videos, with a song, usually. This one is, um... one of my favourite songs ever... Baby Bunny.

---

& Vicky: All right, erm, are you on Twitter? I’ll follow you.
    Andy: Er... no.
    Vicky: Facebook?
    Andy: No, erm, I’m in the phone book.
    Vicky: What’s that? Like an app?
    Andy: I should take your number.
    Vicky: Yeah, go on, then.
    Andy: What’s your name?
    Vicky: Er... Victoria.

& Hannah: Victoria met Mr Right.
    Vicky: Er... no, I don’t know about Mr Right. He is Mr Fit, though, ain’t he?

& Vicky: Sheila, you’ll be well proud of me. He’s a nice one. Proper gentleman.
    Sheila: Well, make sure you let him know you’re a lady.
    Vicky: Ha. Don’t worry, Sheila. When I get the chance, I’m going to lady his fucking brains out.

& Derek: That’s my favourite thing. Holding little things. Hugging. Makes you feel good, hugging, don’t it? Cos it... it reminds you of when you was little... and when it was real safe, and it makes you safe again. Also, I never knows what to say, so I just hugs. And that sort of says it all, don’t it?

--
On the IMDb

Derek 2×3

& Derek: Hannah’s pregnant!
    Hannah: What he said.

& Kev: You like bad boys, eh? Look no further.
    Vicky: Yeah, there’s... There’s bad and there’s bad, in’t there?
    Kev: Explain.
    Vicky: Well, there’s bad like a lion, like, he’s big and scary and handsome, but he’s dangerous. Like, so you might get hurt. There’s that bad. Then there’s bad like a... like a massive bucket of shit, and piss, and beer, and fag butts, and all the rest of it, and everyone can smell it, and no-one wants to touch it. Not under any circumstances. There’s that bad.
    Kev: And I’m the bucket, yeah?.. Nice analogy. Well explained.

& Hannah: Come on, Kev. It’s not that bad.
    Kev: Can’t believe it. Thought she was my safety net. Or the big, old, stained crash-mat, as I used to call her.

---

& Hannah: I don’t know what to expect. It’s like when they say, “Imagine how big the universe is,” and it’s incomprehensible. There’s someone out there worse than Kev?!

& Kev: Shagging anything that moves? We used to call him Fuckleberry Finn.

& Derek: It’s weird. Kev’s the good one.
    Hannah: I know.
    Derek: Kev’s the smart one out of these two, ain’t he?

& Kev: What a game bird your gran still is. Naughty Nana.

& Derek: If it’s a boy baby, call it Justin, after Justin Timberlake. If it’s a girl baby, call it Susan, after Susan Boyle.

--
On the IMDb

Derek 2×2

& Derek: Tom. She’s ovulating. Go and do it.

& Kev: Eight minutes.
    Annie: That can’t have been much fun for Hannah...
    Hannah: It was fine.
    Derek: It’s fun, innit? Even if it’s short, it’s still fun.
    Hannah: Yes, it is, Derek.

& Kev: Feels nice. For the first time in my life, I’m... I’m trying. I’m wearing a dead bloke’s tie. But er... hopefully it’ll bring me a bit of luck. Didn’t bring him luck.

& Pete: Anyway, I work for, arguably, one of the best banking groups in the world.
    Derek: Is that a good job?
    Pete: Just a bit, yeah.
    Derek: What do you do?
    Pete: Well, tres difficile to explain yon. Erm...! I manage very rich people’s money.
    Derek: Why?
    Pete: Er... so that they can turn it into even more money.
    Derek: What...? What...? I thought you said they was rich.
    Pete: Well, they want to be richer.
    Derek: Why?
    Pete: So that they have even more money.
    Derek: But why don’t you help poor people get more money?
    Pete: Well, they haven’t got enough money to do anything with in the first place.
    Derek: Exactly!
    Pete: Don’t you want more money?
    Derek: I ain’t got any money.
    Pete: Exactly! So, you know, if you got a better job...
    Derek: What’s a better job than this?
    Pete: OK, right, let’s say you get a job that pays you lots of money — then, you can buy more things, you can get a better house, a better car, then you’d be important, and you’d probably get an even better job.
    Derek: Why?
    Pete: Well, so that you’d make more money.
    Derek: Why?
    Pete: So you make enough money that you could retire early.
    Derek: Why?
    Pete: So you could do exactly what you wanted all day, every day.
    Derek: That’s what I does now.
    Kev: That’s what he does now, mate.
    Derek: Innit?

---

& Pete: How do you live without money?
    Derek: Same as you lives with money, but with a lot less money.
    Pete: What if you want something?
    Derek: I wants to talk to these people, and that’s free.
    Pete: You want to talk to this lot?.. Soon you know everything about them. Then what?
    Derek: No. Cos next time you talk to them, they’ve learned summat new. Or, cos they’ve lived such a long time, they’ve got so many stories, they never runs out. And... I don’t mind even hearing a story twice, cos it’s so interesting. Your grandad’s interesting. He’s got loads of stories. He’s brilliant.
    Pete: Yeah, but he can’t hear what you say back.
    Derek: Just listen, then.

& Pete: Don’t you ever wish for anything?
    Derek: Erm, I just wishes everyone is safe and healthy. If you’ve got your friends and family around you, that’s everything. They’re the most important things in the world, and when they’re gone, that’s it. You’ll never see ’em again.

& Derek: That’s the amazing thing about kindness. It makes you feel good. Whether you’re the one handing it out, or the one receiving it.

& Hannah: Probably the worst place in the world to try and conceive a child. Everybody knows what you’re doing. Just got to get it done. Got to get in, get it done, get back to work. Romantic.

& Derek: Good luck.
    Kev: Any advice?
    Derek: Just be yourself.
    Kev: Worst advice ever.

--
On the IMDb

Derek 2×1

Derek 2×1

& Derek: All the pictures of you are with different ladies.
    Anthony: Ah, sure, that’s the point in travelling, boy.

& Derek: When I’m like this as well, when I’m happiest, I get sad sometimes cos I feel sorry for people who ain’t as happy as me. Lots of people ain’t lucky like me. I’m lucky. I’m really lucky. I’ve got... Yeah.

& Derek: I always tries my best as well. I learned it off animals. Animals always tries their best. Always trying their best. You never see like a lazy ant. It’s always working. It goes, “I’ll do that.”

& Annie: Now, when me and your grandad were trying for your mum... we used to come straight home from work, straight upstairs, no foreplay or anything like that, wham, bam, thank you, ma’am, do his bit, and then afterwards he’d help me stand on my head by holding my legs.
    Derek: Why?
    Annie: Well, it helps the sperm up the cervix.
    Derek: What’s a cervix?

---

& Kev: Um... vagina. Uterus. Cervix. These are a few of my favourite things.
    Derek: What else?
    Kev: Clitoris, cum and flaps.

& Vicky: That can be your hashtag.
    Derek: What’s that?
    Vicky: It looks like that... and if you put that before “Derek says”, everyone can see it and follow it.
    Derek: Yeah, hashtag, “Derek says”.
    Vicky: Yeah, got that. So, what do you want to say?
    Derek: ... Be nice to animals.
    Vicky: Is that it, yeah?
    Derek: Yeah. Send. That’s out there.

& Derek: Joan used to say all you needs is someone to love, something to do and something to wish for. I’ve got loads of people I loves. I’ve got loads to do. I’m always busy, ain’t I? And I’ve got loads to wish for.

& Hannah: ’One. I wishes I could talk chimp and be friends with it. Two. I wishes Kev was healthy, cos he’s lovely and funny, and I’m scared of him getting ill from drinking or AIDS. Three. ......’

& Kev: When half your adult life has been dedicated to internet porn, you pick up a few things, and for once I do not mean genital warts.

--
On the IMDb

Derek 1×6

& Derek: Do you ever think a monkey would ride on a pig? Well, look.

& Derek: He thought it’d be better... Be better without him. He was wrong. I wish he would have stayed. I could have played with him when he wasn’t drunk... You should always stay with your baby.

& Gerald: She doesn’t always know me... but I look forward to seeing her every day. She’s still the same person... And every day I introduce myself and we get to know each other all over again. I’m lucky... Who else gets to fall in love 365 times a year?

& Gerald: You see, here’s the thing. People see a couple of doddering old fools caught in a time warp, waiting to die. But I see a beautiful young girl from Dublin who wants to spend the rest of her life with me... I win.

& Gerald: Don’t feel sorry for me. Or Lizzie. We had the best life we could ever have had... cos we spent it together.

& Derek: I didn’t have a dad, but I’ve had lots of mums, sort of things. Lots of people have... I’ve had my real mum, I loved her, and I’ve had loads of other mums, sort of. I loves them. And I’ve lost loads of mums as well. That’s the sad bit. But I’d rather have had them than not had them ever, like my dad.

---

& Dougie: From the moment you’re born, from the moment your head pops out, someone gives you a slap, you know, to make you cry, cos that’s how they know you’re alive. You cry. And then that’s it, isn’t it, for the next 70 or 80 years. That’s what life is — someone giving you a slapping and a load of crying. That’s life.

& Derek: I only prays that I die before Hannah. That’s all. And anything else that happens is all right.

& Derek: I don’t think it makes any difference anyway, cos I’ve prayed for things that haven’t happened and I haven’t prayed for things that have happened, so I don’t think it matters whether you believe in God or not.

& Derek: I’ve met people what don’t believe in God that are nice and what are horrible, and I’ve met people that do believe in God what are nice and what are horrible, so just be nice. That’s the easiest thing, just be nice.

& Hannah: I don’t know if I pray, you know, as such. I hope. If there is a God, he’ll know what I’m thinking anyway, won’t he? So...

& Kev: Muff. That’s it.

& Dougie: Pray? No. No, I wouldn’t bother. No-one listens to me anyway, do they? What’s the point in praying? No. I just have a moan instead. That’s my way of getting it out.

& Dougie: Meaning of life? There isn’t a meaning of life. If there is, don’t worry about it. You’re here now, get on with it.

& Dougie: In fact, I know why I’m here. Yeah, I’ll give you a proper answer to that question. I’ll tell you why I’m here. Cos when I was a little sperm, I won the race to the egg. That’s why I’m here, that’s what life’s about. It’s how it works. As a little sperm, I won the race to the egg... You know, that was the last thing I won as well.

& Hannah: I’ve learned that you’ve got to look after people, that it’s important to care for people, that... you shouldn’t be selfish, you should... try and look after the old and the ill and the... the weak, you know? And then you’ll never be stuck for something to do, because there’ll always be people to look after. It never stops. Yeah, there’s no end.

& Kev: There’s only one point to life and that’s the orgasm. The male orgasm, that is. I do not understand the point of the female orgasm at all.

& — Do you have any regrets?
    Kev: Yeah. That I always try the easy way out, you know? Always, well... I thought it was the easy way out. Yeah. Always look for an angle and I’d look for a shortcut. I should’ve tried, yes. Should’ve worked hard. {...} I’m a failure, I guess. But I’m not a failure cos I didn’t succeed. I’m a failure cos I didn’t try.

& Kev: Derek took the best shortcut you can. The only shortcut that’s good. The only shortcut that works. And that’s kindness.

--
On the IMDb

Σ Touching. And touching. And touching again.
    Great show.

Derek 1×5

& Derek: What do you play?
    Deon: Mmm? Oh, my voice is my instrument. Split wires, innit?
    Derek: What?
    Deon: I rap.
    Derek: Will Smith.
    Deon: No, more like... 2Pac.
    Derek: Two what?
    Deon: Pac.
    Derek: ... Razors.
    Deon: This is the worst gig ever, man. Feels like a nightmare, man.
    Vicky: You just wait till you have to change their bed pans!

& Derek: What else do you do?
    Dougie: Do it all, yeah. Whatever needs doing. Yeah. It’s my job description — if it needs doing, do it.

& Derek: He says there’s too many singers, don’t you?
    Dougie: There’s too many!
    Deon: Yeah, but I’m not like... no-one else, do you get me?
    Dougie: Everybody says that, though. That’s what everybody says on X Factor, Britain’s Got Talent. “I’m different.” No, you’re not — you’re the same as the other knobhead who was just on. Get a trade.

& Dougie: Makes me laugh. They send them here as punishment. Hilarious, isn’t it? He does something wrong and they send them here. What have I done? I’ve been here ten years.

---

& Derek: Why are you here?
    Deon: Why do you think?
    Derek: I don’t know.
    Deon: It’s cos of the racism inherent in society, isn’t it?
    Derek: Is it? No... What did you do?
    Deon: The police followed me through a shopping centre and arrested me for stealing some trainers.
    Derek: What, and you hadn’t stolen the trainers?
    Deon: That’s neither here nor there — if they weren’t following I wouldn’t have been arrested, would I?
    Derek: No. But did you steal the trainers?
    Deon: They followed me assuming that I would steal something cos I was black.
    Derek: And then you stole the trainers? ... We all make mistakes.

& Derek: You’re nice, though, anyway.
    Deon: How do you know that?
    Derek: I can tell. Joan says sometimes good people do bad things so give ’em a second chance.

& Derek: And that was Duran Duran.
    Kev: Embarrassing.

& Kev: There is nothing funny about Duran Duran, Derek. They’re laughing at us.
    Derek: Doesn’t matter why they’re laughing... I never minds when old people are laughing, just as long as they are laughing. It makes me laugh. Makes me happy. Even if they’re laughing at something what I’ve done... I likes them being happy. They ain’t got long, so... every... every minute is important. I just wants them to be happy all the time.

& Deon:

♪ Doing my time in this place I thought I’d hate it. ♪
♪ But now I’m here, you know what? Still hate it. ♪
♪ But I made it and I hate it with the greatest respect to the aged. ♪
♪ I came from a place with no thoughts of ageing ♪
♪ Where life is a game with a makeshift playlist ♪
♪ That plays all the same shit ♪
♪ So what I’m saying is it’s an eye-opener ♪
♪ Meeting you even the one who’s a bit of thigh-stroker ♪
♪ So now I hope to take a long look at myself ♪
♪ But, bruv, this ain’t like Oprah ♪
♪ I ain’t gonna start jumping on my sofa ♪
♪ I’m just saying I might look my life over ♪
♪ Now I normally bump fists but let’s shake hands ♪
♪ I ain’t a changed man I just wanna say thanks. ♪

--
On the IMDb

Derek 1×4

& Dougie: I can’t move. You can’t keep doing this, Derek.
    Derek: What?
    Dougie: This. This was never part of the job description for me.

& Derek: I loves wrestling. I’m strong and grabby. I don’t like real fighting. In real fighting, you fights people what you don’t like, so you can hurt ’em. But in wrestling, I wrestles people what I do like. It’s like strong cuddling, really
    Dougie: Strong cuddling? Is that what he calls it? Honestly, there’s times when I wish he didn’t like me as much. His affection’s going to kill me one day.

& Derek: Could you give AIDS cancer? If a dog had got rabies, attacked a man with AIDS and the man bit him and the dog bit the man, would the dog get AIDS?

& Rebecca: I wondered why you weren’t on Facebook.
    Hannah: ’When am I going to go on Facebook? What would I put on there? "Changed a bedpan“?’

& Hannah: Joan used to say, “You make a living from what you get. You make a life from what you give.”

---

& Dougie: What are you doing?
    Kev: Writing on crabs.
    Dougie: What’s all that about?
    Derek: He’s writing on crabs.
    Dougie: What? What the motherfuck are you writing on crabs for?
    Kev: Weird question. Why aren’t you writing on crabs, mate? That’s a better question.
    Dougie: It’s not. Why are you writing on crabs?
    Kev: Flat shiny surface, mate. Marker pen. You do the math.

& Kev: Just written TWAT on this one. If I could find a bigger one I’d write CARPET MUNCHER.
    Dougie: What other words are you writing?
    Kev: QUIM, TAMPON...
    Derek: There’s MUFF here. There’s COCK over there.

& Dougie: I’ve never heard of anyone going to the seaside and doing this as a little activity. Using crabs as fucking post-it notes.
    Kev: Who are you, crab police?

& Dougie: What’s BOLL?
    Kev: BOLL and OCKS. The only make sense together.

& Kev: Go on, boys. Go and annoy the world.
    Derek: Can you find TITS?

& Hannah: ’She’ll get over it, back at her five-bedroom house...’ She ain’t got room for her mum, though. Five bedrooms. I’ve got 23 bedrooms. And I’ve got a six-figure salary if you count the two after the decimal point.

--
On the IMDb

Derek 1×3

& Derek: Kev’s helping, ain’t ya? Dougie doesn’t help, he keeps an eye on Kev to make sure he doesn’t do anything wrong.

& Dougie: There isn’t another one, you keep...
    Derek: Why not?
    Dougie: Because why would they make two of them? Why would they... Let me have it. Why would they make two of them? Look at it. Why would you ever make two of them? It was made in China, they made one of ’em, they turned the machine off immediately after they saw what they’d produced.

& Marge: When you gonna ask her to marry you, then?
    Tom: We’ve only been going out for a bit.
    Marge: Well, you’ve had your bit, now you should marry her.

---

& Derek: I can’t stand it. I loves working here, but I’m always sad. I’m gonna stay, though. To help with people that are still alive. I mean, when they’re dead, they’re not sad any more. And I’d rather be sad than anyone else.

& Tom: Have you ever actually had sex with an actual woman? I mean, like an intelligent, attractive, non-mental, non-alky, non-drug addict, sentient woman?
    Kev: What does that leave?
    Tom: Like, a normal girl.
    Kev: We can’t all be that fussy, mate.

--
On the IMDb

Σ Touching.

Derek 1×2

& Derek: Lizzie? Why are you standing there?
    Lizzie: Where?
    Derek: There.
    Lizzie: Where, dear?
    Derek: There, where you’re standing, you’re standing there.
    Lizzie: Am I?

& Hannah: What do you do normally then?
    Vicky: What do you mean?
    Hannah: For a job?
    Vicky: I ain’t got a job have I? I got caught nicking shoes.
    Hannah: Well, is this something you’d like to do?
    Vicky: I thought I had to do it?
    Hannah: No, I mean for like a career or something?
    Vicky: Nah.
    Hannah: Well, what would you like to do then?
    Vicky: Dunno. Kardashians and that.
    Hannah: ......... Brilliant. Right. Let’s get you started.

---

& Vicky: Why’ve you got a haircut like a paedophile?
    Dougie: Good point.

& Vicky: I didn’t really go to school much anyway.
    Hannah: I didn’t do that well at school, you know. You can learn loads of stuff outside school. You’re never too old to learn something. Do you read?
    Vicky: Yeah.
    Hannah: What do you read?
    Vicky: Twitter.

& Hannah: Still, you know, I wouldn’t mind a bit of David Beckham, so long as he didn’t speak. Wouldn’t want him to speak. He’d be mute. A mute Beckham would be lovely.

& Joe: Well, 50’s young. I mean, 50’s the new 40.
    Derek: Yep.
    Joe: 60’s the new 50, then 70’s the new 60.
    Derek: What’s 80?
    Dougie: 80’s still 80, you’re fucked.
    Derek: What about 90?
    Dougie: You don’t have to worry about that.

& Hannah: My life.

--
On the IMDb

Σ Amazing. Breathtaking/Heartbreaking.

Derek 1×1

& Hannah: These lot aren’t bothering you, are they?
    Tom: No, no, no. Derek’s just been asking me every possible outcome of animals fighting and Don Juan here has just told me you’re not pregnant or diseased. But don’t worry, even if you were, he still would.
    Kev: Still would.

& Hannah: I’ve never understood budgets when it comes to things like this. It costs what it costs. If it costs more than some person in a suit thought it would, it doesn’t mean we’re overspending, it means your stupid guess was wrong.

& Roger: I’m a little bit worried about the electrics thing, Dougie. If you don’t have any training...
    Dougie: It’s not that hard, Roger.
    Roger: Really?
    Dougie: Yeah. It’s not that hard. It’s three wires, innit? Brown, blue and sort of earth. Put them in the right ones, you’re away. You’re making it seem like it’s a massive drama. We’re talking about a toaster.

---

& Derek: Why does Hampstead sound like “hamster”? Why has hamster got “ham” in it? Why isn’t a pig called a hamster?

& Hannah: 90% of care home residents die within six months of being re-homed, so...

& Hannah: People think care means three meals a day and a bed. But it means caring.

& Derek: If I am tistic... what is it?
    Roger: Autistic.
    Derek: Au...?
    Roger: Tistic.
    Derek: That’s what I said. Tistic. If I am tistic, will I die?

& Hannah: Dougie...
    Dougie: Yeah, I know I’m fired, yeah.
    Hannah: No. Do you want a cup of tea?
    Dougie: A cup of tea? Love a cup of tea, yeah.

--
On the IMDb

Derek 1×0

Pilot

& Derek: My favourite thing on here is YouTube. My favourite YouTube thing is animals. And my favouritest animal thing is hamster on a piano. Listen.

& Hannah: Do it subtly. Ask him his favourite films, and see if he’s gay or not. But be subtle. Just bring it up.
    Derek: .... My, um, friend Hannah, um... she says you might be gay, right, but you mustn’t... and she wants to know, but to not tell her, but if you just tell me your favourite TV programmes and films, then she’ll know if you’re gay or not.
    Tom: OK. Tell her I love Glee, I think it’s fab. Tell her The Wizard Of Oz is my favourite film cos of Judy Garland. And that I love her daughter, Eliza, as well. Tell her my absolute favourite is Audrey Hepburn, cos that girl had class. And if she likes all of them, you tell her from me, ’Hmm-mm, you go, girl!’ Can you do that?
    Derek: Yeah.
    Tom: Do it for me.
    Derek: ’Hmm-mm!’

---

& Dougie: Average age is about 85 up there. Some of them up there are knackered. I don’t know at what point you can say a life is ended, cos some of them don’t move. You know, their knees have gone, their backs have gone, their eyes have gone, their ears have gone. Jack, with his hearing aid, battery on the side of his head, battery runs out, I don’t see the point of putting a new battery in.
    Derek: But what would you do, if you was Jack and somebody said, “It’s not worth it”, what would you say? “No, I need a battery, please.” What would you do if you was old, like a tortoise, and someone said, “Don’t bother with him, he’s 100...” I’d save you.

& Derek: She’d tap me on the head... She’d go, “It’s all right,” and it’d make me feel better straightaway. Like magic. And she said, “Kindness is magic, Derek.” She said it’s more important to be kind than clever or good-looking. I’m not clever or good-looking, but I’m kind.

--
On the IMDb