Derek 2×6

& Derek: First rule. Always get up.

& Anthony: That’s the difference between mums and dads. Mums never want you to fall off. Dads want you to fall off straightaway so you know what it feels like, and if you get hurt, you won’t fall off again.

& Derek: What’s that? Is that one of them what you ask it questions?
    Anthony: Yes.
    Derek: What would win out of a gorilla and an orang-utan?
    Smartphone: ’Here’s a recipe...’
    Derek: What?
    Smartphone: ’...for grilled meringues.’

& Kev: Easy. Number one — stop gurning like a goldfish... All that business. Number two — stop combing your hair forward like an old monk... And number three — stop doing that like... like pincers, like a lobster or a crab.
    Derek: What would win out of a lobster and a crab?
    Kev: And that’s got to stop also. All the, “What would win? What would win?” I don’t want questions, I want answers.
    Derek: What would win out of answers and questions?

& Derek: What things do you like?
    Tracey: Oh, I don’t know. I only made a list of questions, not answers.
    Derek: Ask me them, then.
    Tracey: What things do you like?
    Derek: Susan Boyle, cats, Hannah, old people, Robbie Williams, Britain’s Got Talent, Miranda, monkeys, piglets, Mrs Brown Boys...
    Tracey: Brilliant. I like burping.
    Derek: I likes burping.

& Derek: What about the frogs what legs you took off? Are they disabled now?

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& Derek: Have you got any chicken?
    Waiter: The poulet. Yeah. That is the chicken.
    Derek: So, why, why you eating frogs before the chicken’s run out?

& Derek: What? Real snails?
    Waiter: Mm-hm. Cooked, of course.
    Derek: Of course. Could you eat a slug?
    Waiter: No.
    Derek: But you eats a snail and a frog.
    Waiter: You can probably best just go for the chicken.

& Vicky: Don’t worry about it. I used to be a dickhead.
    Geoff: OK.

& Waiter: Oh, sorry, no! That’s the towels.
    Derek: They looks just like the mints. Thank you.
    Waiter: Just, er...
    Derek: French food is funny, innit?

& Anthony: Always choose the girl, boy.

& Anthony: I loves being alive. It’s my favouritest thing. I loves every day. I don’t want it to end. But I looks forward to the next day starting. I even like sleeping, cos I likes dreaming. Cos, um, my dreams are just as good as my real life. They’re sort of the same, really.

& Derek: So, is he in heaven now?
    Hannah: What do you think?
    Derek: I don’t know if there is a heaven. I’m suspicious. But if heaven is for people what did good, then he would be in heaven. Definitely.

& Derek: Is my dad in heaven?
    Smartphone: ’I’m sorry, I don’t know where that is.’

& Derek: That’s the amazing thing about life, you can just start again. Just rub it out, like a blackboard, start again. It’s what you do from now.

& Derek: So, if you has an argument with someone, just say sorry. If you haven’t spoken to someone for a long time, call ’em up now. If you haven’t spoken to your mum, call her up. It’s never too late, until it is.

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On the IMDb

Σ Brilliant.