Not in My Mouth!

Two and a Half Men 9×17

& Lyndsey: Aw... What’s sadder than an empty bottle of wine?
    Alan: Being the boyfriend of a 40-year-old drunk soccer mom...

& Nigel: Walden. De-e-lightful.
    Walden: Nigel, di-isgusting.

& Jack: Hey, can I have 75 bucks for the new Call of Duty?
    Alan: $75 for a video game?
    Jack: Think of it as an investment.
    Alan: An investment?
    Jack: Yeah. If I go into the army after high school, I’ll already know how to kill terrorists.

& Berta: Here.
    Alan: Me?
    Berta: Not my girlfriend, not my vomit, not my problem.
    Jack: I’ll clean it up.
    Alan: You will?
    Jack: For 75 bucks.

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& Alan: How did you find another girl already?
    Walden: Oh, I met her in the elevator.
    Alan: I’ve been in a million elevators. I never once walked out with a girl like that.
    Walden: Maybe you need to work on your attitude.

& Alan: What exactly did Zoey say?
    Walden: No, it’s what she didn’t say. She didn’t say, “I love you.”
    Alan: Oh, please! If I insisted on women saying “I love you” I’d have never have had a girlfriend, a wife or a mother.

& Alan: Oh... I can’t believe I kissed the mouth that did this.

& Jack: No, seriously, dude. No lie. ... All right, fine, you don’t believe me? Here. ... Yup. Five times. Best half hour of my life.

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On the IMDb