Whatever Works (2009)

Boris: That's not what I'm saying, you imbecile. God, you completely misrepresent my ideas! Why am I even bothering talking to such idiots?

Ed: Don't jump on us just because we don't understand what you're saying.
Boris: I didn't jump on you. It's not the idea behind Christianity I'm faulting, or Judaism, or any religion. It's the professionals who've made it into a corporate business. There's big money in the God racket. Big money.
Joe: Here we go...

Boris: Hey, the basic teachings of Jesus are quite wonderful. So, by the way, is the original intention of Karl Marx. Okay? Hey, what could be bad? Everybody should share equally. Do unto others. Democracy. Government by the people. All great ideas. These are all great ideas, but they all suffer from one fatal flaw... Which is they're all based on the fallacious notion that people are fundamentally decent. Give them a chance to do right and they'll take it. They're not stupid, selfish, greedy, cowardly, short-sighted worms. They do the best they can.

Boris: All I'm saying is that people make life so much worse than it has to be and, believe me, it's a nightmare without their help.

Joe: You know, they don't know your story. Boris, tell them your story.
Boris: My story is, whatever works. You know, as long as you don't hurt anybody. Any way you can filch a little joy in this cruel, dog-eat-dog, pointless, black chaos. That's my story.

Boris: You just want me to say it again, so they can hear.
- Who?
Boris: Them.
- Who?
- Who's them? You see something out there?
- Where?
Boris: What are you? An imbecile? There's an audience full of people looking at us.
- An audience?
- What's he talking about?
Boris: You feel you're being watched. They paid good money for tickets, hard-earned money, so some moron in Hollywood can buy a bigger swimming pool.

- Okay, you're saying there are human beings out there who bought tickets to watch us.
Boris: Well, mostly they're interested in me, I have to say. Yeah, they're just sitting there. Don't you see them? Some are eating popcorn, some are just staring straight ahead breathing through their mouths like Neanderthals.

Boris: Why would you want to hear my story? Do we know each other? Do we like each other? Let me tell you right off, okay? I'm not a likeable guy. Charm has never been a priority with me. And just so you know, this is not the feel-good movie of the year. So if you're one of those idiots who needs to feel good, go get yourself a foot massage.

Boris: What the hell does it all mean anyhow? Nothing. Zero. Zilch. Nothing comes to anything, and yet there's no shortage of idiots to babble. Not me. I have a vision. I'm discussing you. Your friends, your co-workers, your newspapers, the TV. Everybody's happy to talk, full of misinformation. Morality, science, religion, politics, sports, love. Your portfolio, your children, health. Christ. If I have to eat nine servings of fruits and vegetables a day to live, I don't want to live. I hate goddamn fruits and vegetables. And your omega-3's and the treadmill and the cardiogram and the mammogram and the pelvic sonogram and, oh, my God, the colonoscopy! And with it all, the day still comes when they put you in a box and it's on to the next generation of idiots who'll also tell you all about life and define for you what's appropriate.

Boris: My father committed suicide because the morning newspapers depressed him. And could you blame him? With the horror and corruption and ignorance and poverty and genocide and AIDS and global warming and terrorism and the family-value morons and the gun morons! "The horror," Kurtz said at the end of Heart of Darkness. "The horror." Lucky Kurtz didn't have the Times delivered in the jungle, then he'd see some horror.

Boris: I'm a man with a huge worldview. I'm surrounded by microbes!

Boris: Let's face it, Jessica, okay? Our marriage hasn't been a garden of roses. Botanically speaking, you're more of a Venus flytrap.

Boris: I see everything so clearly now. Everything! I married you for all the wrong reasons.
Jessica: What's that supposed to mean?
Boris: You're brilliant. I wanted someone to talk to. You loved classical music, you loved art, you loved literature. You loved sex! You loved me!
Jessica: Those sound like pretty good reasons to me!
Boris: Yes! Exactly! That's the problem! That's the problem! It was rational, it made sense! I don't know what went wrong. When you examine it, there is so much right about us. On paper we're ideal. But life isn't on paper.

---

Boris: Okay, forget blacks. Take Jews... For years they restricted the number of Jews in schools, medical schools. In America, as much as they hated blacks, they hate Jews even more. Blacks they were scared had too big a penis. Jews they hated, even with little penises.

Boris: Happy birthday to you
     Happy birthday to you
     Happy birthday, dear Boris
     Happy birthday to you
     Happy birthday to you
     Happy birthday to you
     Happy birthday, dear Boris
     Happy birthday to you
Melody: Is this your birthday?
Boris: You don't know you have to sing Happy Birthday twice to get the germs off?

Boris: Look, you're a sweet kid. Stupid beyond all comprehension, but you'll never survive here. You got nothing going for you. Zero. Zilch. You know, you may be beauty contest material in the Deep South, but this is the big time. Here, you're a three. A five maybe after you bathe.

Melody: What is this?
Boris: A knish.
Melody: And what's it made of?
Boris: I've been eating these things for years, they're delicious. I don't know what's in them. I don't want to know what's in them. Don't even talk about it!

Melody: Well, here, I'll put something on TV.
Boris: I saw the abyss.
Melody: Don't worry, we'll watch something else.

Melody: So what kind of genius are you, anyway?
Boris: What kind?
Melody: Yeah, what are you genius at?
Boris: Quantum mechanics.
Melody: Yeah, but what field? Like, music?

Ed: Well, at least is she pretty?
Boris: She's won some beauty contests.
Ed: Tall? Short? Blonde? Describe her.
Boris: Well, she's blonde. Nice height. Nice eyes. Didn't quite realize how blue they were that first night. Her face is a little more symmetrical than I had originally conceived. She's not a ten. In a pinch, six.
Ed: Good in bed?
Boris: How would I know? I just want her out.

Boris: You know, it's been proven television eats away the brain.

Boris: Boy, they really don't write them like they used to.
Melody: Oh! That's a cliché.
Boris: Good, Melody. You caught it.
Melody: Well, you always get so mad when I do them.
Boris: Yeah, I shouldn't really. Sometimes a cliché is finally the best way to make one's point.

Melody: Boris, what would you say if I was to say that I was developing a little crush on you?
Boris: I'd say don't.
Melody: Why?
Boris: Because anything deeper, more significant between us, is out of the question.
Melody: Because why?
Boris: Because it's too preposterous to even dignify with an answer.
Melody: It is?
Boris: Every single thing is against it. Our ages, our backgrounds, our brains, our interests. Not to mention, I have no desire to have a relationship with a woman, any woman, nor any urge to make love, nor any desire to be anything but isolated from the world.

Boris: You're a beautiful girl who should be meeting normal healthy men and going out.
Melody: Yeah, but I don't like normal healthy men. I like you.

Melody: You really think I'm beautiful?
Boris: I admit I didn't give you your full due at first, physically. However, as only a great mind can do, I've reassessed my position, and changed my mind.
Melody: So you could never think of marrying me?
Boris: Have you lost your mind? Why on Earth would you even fantasize about such a thing? What could I offer you, but a bad temper, hypochondriasis, morbid fixations, reclusive rages and misanthropy? And what could you offer me?

Boris: Let me teach you something about love. Okay? Naturally, there are exceptions to what I'm going to say, but they're the exception, not the rule. Love, despite what they tell you, does not conquer all. Nor does it even usually last. In the end, the romantic aspirations of our youth are reduced to whatever works. Okay?
Melody: Why do I think your bark is worse than your bite?
Boris: Cliché, Melody.
Melody: Oh, I don't care! If the shoe fits, wear it, and that's another one.

Melody: It's Melody. Melody Saint Anne Celestine.
Perry: What a beautiful name! Mine's Perry Singleton.

Perry: May I walk along with you?
Melody: I don't see why not, you know, since we're all doomed anyway.
Perry: Pardon me?
Melody: Well, you know, everything ends.
Perry: I don't think I follow.
Melody: Well, you know, it's like the cosmos, or eternity. Whichever's bigger. I just know that we're all flying apart.

Melody: I told him your theory about capital punishment.
Boris: What did you say?
Melody: That it should include people that don't pick up after their dogs, people who ride their bikes on the sidewalk, people who call mothers "moms" and... I can't remember them all, you have so many.

Melody: How do I look?
Boris: Subnormal.
Melody: Why? What's wrong?
Boris: That's an awfully aggressive ensemble. You looking to wind up in an abortion clinic?

Boris: In America, they have summer camps for everything. Rich kids, basketball camp, magic camp... Tennis camp. Movie director camp! They should have a concentration camp. Two weeks mandatory for all kids growing up, so they would finally understand what the human race is capable of.
Leo: Brilliant! Except who'd send their kid to a concentration camp?
Boris: A responsible parent who wants their child to grasp reality.

Boris: A smoker. The minute a person dies, he's a smoker or overweight. Hey, I got news for you, thin non-smokers die, too. Okay? Abstinence isn't going to save you.

Joe: Now she's pretty?
Boris: What? I'm just saying she's not atrocious-looking. That's all. I'd say a seven or eight.

Melody: No, the music was fine. Just that guy and his friends! I just...
Boris: What?
Melody: Well, his taste! He just... He likes everything. Life, love, human beings! And the couple that we double-dated with, they were just protons!
Boris: Protons? Do I mean protons?
Melody: Cretins! Cretins, that's what I mean. Yeah, they didn't know the first thing about string theory.

Melody: I did have a few drinks. But can you blame me? Hanging out with those inchworms? I mean, they actually think that love is the answer to everything. I told them about Jethro Paige from back home. He got caught doing it with a sheep. Making love with a sheep. And they were all laughing and everything, but I just looked at them and said, "Folks, as Boris would say, whatever works." What are you looking at?
Boris: Unbelievable. The chance factor in life is mind-boggling. You entered the world by a random event somewhere along the Mississippi. I, having emerged through the conjoining of Sam and Yetta Yellnikoff in the Bronx, decades earlier. And through an astronomical concatenation of circumstances, our paths cross. Two runaways in the vast, black, unspeakably violent and indifferent universe.

Melody: I like music I can dance to.
Boris: I know, I know, but this is brutal. Here, you know what I want you to do? Put this on. Okay? And then when I come out, we'll discuss it.
Melody: All right, I'll try.
Boris: It's Beethoven's Fifth! Think of the music as fate knocking on the door. Maybe a little story will help you appreciate it.
Melody: Fate knocking on the door.....

Marietta: I have to have a drink. I need to sit. I need an anesthetic.
Melody: Okay, okay, have a seat. We don't have any bourbon or nothing.
Marietta: Just bring me the drink with the highest volume of alcohol you have.

Marietta: Why, why, Miss Sweet Pea? Why did you forsake your loving home?
Melody: Because, Mama, you're... You're overbearing. That's it. You're overbearing and you fail to see the big picture.
Marietta: What big picture are you talking about?
Melody: I don't know. All I know is that nothing moves faster than the speed of light, so you may as well relax.

Marietta: Are you on sodium pentothal?
Melody: No.
Marietta: That's what they do, the secular humanists.

Leo: You know, I have to say, even with a textbook right-wing mentality, your mother-in-law has beautifully shaped breasts.
Boris: You know, you're a man of learning, of cultivation of aesthetic sensibility. This is what you take away from the school-prayer hokum and "my country right or wrong"? Her bosom?
Leo: It's not just her bosom. Her behind is also beautifully contoured. .... It's pear-shaped. Degas used to distinguish between an apple-shaped behind and pear-shaped. And I'm a big fruit eater.

Boris: I need to sit for a minute... You know, I'm just doing it for the aerobics, anyway. Otherwise, it's moronic.
Melody: I think it's relaxing.
Boris: Relaxing? What? Are you kidding? It's too nerve-wracking. To mingle with all those sub-mentals on bicycles? It's like driving a car. Those hostile, belligerent morons all get driver's licenses. Of course, to have children, you don't need a license. No proof of anything. You need a license to fish. You need a license to be a barber. You need a license to sell hot dogs. You know, you read about these poor kids, beaten and starved, you wonder, why are these parents allowed to even have them?

Melody: You know, sometimes I think you're so determined not to enjoy anything in life, just out of spite. You know, like a child who's throwing a tantrum, because he can't have his own way.
Boris: Wow! Listen to you! That's a reasonably wise insight for a simple-minded type like yourself. Honestly. Yeah, you surprise and delight me sometimes, you know that? I really don't know what I'd do without you, seriously.

Randy: I dreamt about you last night. I...
Melody: Don't use that line. Because Boris said that he dreamt about me last night. And I really doubt it's mathematically possible for me to be in two dreams at one time.

Melody: Oh, my God.
Randy: What are you thinking?
Melody: Entropy.
Randy: Entropy?
Melody: Yeah, entropy. Boris explained it. It's why you can't get the toothpaste back in the tube.
Randy: You mean, once something happens, it's difficult to put it back the way it was?
Melody: I mean, Boris says love is all about luck. I think so, too, but isn't that just because we're young and we think we're going to live forever and then we grow old and get diabetes, and...
Randy: Maybe.
Melody: Look, I do agree there's not much you can be sure of in this world, but... Have you ever heard of Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle?
Randy: I've heard of it, yeah.
Melody: You know, the observer influences the experiment? It's just like when my mother makes love to one of the guys she's living with a certain way when they're alone, but when she's in front of the other guy, she does it differently.
Randy: Is that Heisenberg? I had no idea he was so sexual.

Melody: Now, Dad, try and remember, you haven't seen Mom in a year.
John: A year is not forever. How much can a person change?
Boris: And with that, they entered the gallery.....

Melody: I can't think of a way to say this well.
Boris: You don't have to say it well.
Melody: I want to.
Boris: I completely understand. I do. This does not run counter to my convictions that love relationships are almost invariably transient.
Melody: I don't really think that's true if they're right.
Boris: Really? You have your own ideas?
Melody: Just a couple. You know, they're not very deep, but... As cruel as life is, I miss participating in the world. And I even miss people, even the inchworms and the cretins, because I don't really think they're bad, I think they're just scared.

Boris: I'm a profound and sensitive soul with an enormous grasp of the human condition.

Boris: Greatness isn't easy to live with, even by someone of normal intelligence.
Melody: You're upset. I don't expect you to understand. How could you?
Boris: Believe me, if I can understand quantum mechanics, I can certainly comprehend the thought process of a sub-mental baton twirler.
Melody: Boris...
Boris: It's okay. I knew this day would come. I really did. The universe is winding down. Why shouldn't we?

Helena: You must have a very dim view of the human race...
Boris: Oh, the human race. They've had to install automatic toilets in public restrooms, because people can't be entrusted to flush a toilet. Come on, flushing a toilet! They can't even flush a toilet!

Melody: What about you, Boris?
Boris: As you would say in the crude fashion of your generation, I totally lucked out. It just shows what meaningless blind chance the universe is. Everybody schemes and dreams to meet the right person, and I jump out a window and land on her. And a psychic yet! I mean, come on, talk about the irrational heart, not to mention I've developed a fondness for grits.
Melody: I have a question, am I a member of my generation?
Randy: Yes. Don't worry. I'll explain it to you.

Boris: I happen to hate New Year's celebrations. Everybody desperate to have fun. Trying to celebrate in some pathetic little way. Celebrate what? A step closer to the grave? That's why I can't say enough times, whatever love you can get and give, whatever happiness you can filch or provide, every temporary measure of grace, whatever works. And don't kid yourself, it's by no means all up to your own human ingenuity. A bigger part of your existence is luck than you'd like to admit. Christ, you know the odds of your father's one sperm from the billions, finding the single egg that made you? Don't think about it, you'll have a panic attack.

--
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A Rainy Day in New York (2019)

Ashleigh Enright: How do you always know all that stuff?
Gatsby Welles: I read, I just don't read what they give us at school.

Ashleigh Enright: If I could speak frankly, Mr. Pollard... You've never had mass appeal. You're too original. And you've never once made one single commercial concession. You are a free creative spirit. Like Van Gogh, or Rothko, or Virginia Woolf... Of course, they all committed suicide—
Roland Pollard: It's a very sweet thing to say, actually.

Gatsby Welles: One thing about New York City — you are here or you are nowhere. You cannot achieve this level of anxiety, hostility and paranoia anywhere else. It's really exhilarating.

Gatsby Welles: I'm not an actor.
Chan Tyrell: I'm not an actress either. I'm just helping out a friend.
Gatsby Welles: And we kiss?
Chan Tyrell: Yeah, that's why I never wanted to be an actress. You have to fake passion with all kinds of weirdos.

Hunter: I can't stand the way she laughs.

Hunter: ...she has a fatal laugh. A cross between Dad's sister Betty and Lennie in "Of Mice and Men".
Gatsby Welles: I've never heard of a problem like that before.
Hunter: You are young, Gatsby. The world is full of tragic little dealbreakers.

---

Ashleigh Enright: Oh my God! You're Francisco Vega.
Francisco Vega: Is that good or bad?
Ashleigh Enright: If my roommate was here, she'd hemorrhage. She thinks you are the greatest thing to come along since the morning-after pill... Me too.

Chan Tyrell: There is something romantic about gamblers. And old songs. Meeting under the clock...
Gatsby Welles: Yeah, maybe in movies, but this is real life.
Chan Tyrell: Real life is fine for people who can't do any better.

Ashleigh Enright: It's so funny. My father would always say when drinking you should never mix grain and grape together. But I think they go really good.

Mother: Where is Ashleigh?
Gatsby Welles: I told you she dumped me. We became separated. This city has its own agenda.

Gatsby Welles: What?!
Mother: Lower your eyebrows.

Gatsby Welles: I'm going to stay in New York. I need a carbon monoxide to survive... We are two different creatures, right? You like the sound of crickets and I like the rattle of the taxies. You blosom in the sun and me... I come into my own under grey skies.

Gatsby Welles: You were loved spiritually, emotionally and physically by 3 gifted men, right?... You don't want to be with me. You deserve better than I am.

Ashleigh Enright: Could you hurry? I think it's starting to rain.

--
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Wonder Wheel

Mickey: ...let me get to the story. In which I am a character, so be warned, as a poet, I use symbols, and as a budding dramatist, I relish melodrama and larger-than-life characters.

Humpty: He wasn't even good lookin'! He was a punk!

Mickey: What the hell does the kid see when he just stares into the flames. Is it the eternal power of the universe? The conversion of mass into energy? The Furies at work?... Whatever his motive, it is not appreciated.

Carolina: I love the theater, but I haven't seen that many shows.
Mickey: Ignorance is no sin. It just means your experience hasn't brought you into contact with certain things.

Humpty: You know, that's the beauty of being able to catch your supper fresh. It's not just the money. It's the flavor.

Ginny: God, don't tell me you got me a present.
Carolina: How often do you turn 40? It's a milestone!
Ginny: It's a tombstone.

Birthday Party Guest: Happy birthday, Ginny. And don't be depressed over turning 40. Hang onto it because take it from me, in a blink of an eye, you're gonna be 50... You're gonna wish you were 40.

Mickey: It just seems to go from one drama to another.

Ginny: But when it comes to love, we often turn out to be our own worst enemy.

Ginny: I suppose one of the advantages of being a little older is that we have more tolerance for mistakes. Because over the years, we all have made our share. That's... that's why forgiveness is possible. What a cold world it would be without it.

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Manhattan Murder Mystery

Larry: Come on, you promised to sit through the entire hockey game without being bored, and I'll sit through the Wagner opera next week.
Carol: I know.
Larry: I already bought the earplugs.

Carol: You know, I sit through the ice hockey game and you watch the whole opera!
Larry: I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start to get the urge to conquer Poland.

Larry: No, no, I forbid you. I forbid you to go. I'm forbidding... Is that what you do when I forbid you? If that's what you... I'm not gonna be forbidding you a lot, if you do...

Larry: I think it's a pretty fair assumption that if a person is dead, they don't suddenly turn up in the New York City transit system.

Larry: This is for all the times I call you to fix the faucet and you show up six months late.

Larry: Yeah, we may need some information while we're here, so... I'll take very good care of you if you play ball with us... What are you making a face for? He's the father of our country.

Larry: Oh, Jesus. Claustrophobia and a dead body. This is a neurotic's jackpot.

Larry: You were jealous of Ted. Yeah.
Carol: Ted? You've got to be kidding.
Larry: Take away his elevator shoes and his fake suntan and his capped teeth, and what do you have?
Carol: You.
Larry: Right. I like that.

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Take the Money and Run

Narrator: Virgil tries to join the navy but is psychologically unfit.
The Psychiatrist: That looks to me like... two elephants... making love to a men's glee club.

Bank Teller: "Please put $50,000 into this bag and act natural." I see. This is a hold-up.
Virgil: Yes.
Bank Teller: May I see your gun?

Narrator: "A prison has not been built that can hold me..." Virgil tells another inmate, "And I'll get out of this one... if it means spending my entire life here."

Louise: How long are you going to be here?
Virgil: Well... I estimate in the neighborhood of... What's today, Monday?.. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday... Ten years.

Louise: I went to the doctor. We're going to have a baby. That's my present for Christmas.
Virgil: All I needed was a tie...

Narrator: At the end of each day, the men are chained to each other by the ankle... in groups of six, making movement slow and painful... and escape impossible. Then, one day, the impossible is attempted...

--
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Husbands and Wives

TV Scientist: Einstein ... said: «God doesn’t play dice with the universe.»
Gabe Roth: No, he just plays hide-and-seek.

Judy Roth: It’s amazing, isn’t it? You think you’re friendly with people and it turns out... you really have no idea what they’re thinking.

Sally: My marriage, I told you, was dead. For years. I don’t know why... Yes, I do. It’s the Second Law of Thermodynamics: sooner or later everything turns to shit. That’s my phrasing, not the Encyclopedia Britannica.

---

Jack: Here’s to a good marriage. The best two people can hope for.

Sally: I’ve learned, anyway, that love is... not about passion and romance necessarily. It’s also about companionship and... it’s like a buffer against loneliness, I think.
Jack: That stuff is really important. Somebody to grow old with. It’s so tough. What kills most people is unreal expectations.

--
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Shadows and Fog

Hacker’s Follower: So, you know about it.
Kleinman: Well, you know, I hear, now and then, a drib and drab.
Hacker’s Follower: He hears what he wants to hear!

Hacker’s Follower: The police have had their chance. Now we’re taking matters into our own hands.
Kleinman: No, that’s scary.
Hacker’s Follower: You’re one of us, aren’t you, Kleinman?
Kleinman: Yes, yes, I’m definitely one of you.

Kleinman: Where the hell did they go? The street’s so desolate. I don’t like this. I wanna get back into bed. I can’t do that, though. If something goes wrong with their plan, they’ll say it’s my fault. Why me?

Clown: Mmm, believe me, nothing is more terrifying than attempting to make people laugh, and failing.

Doctor: Once I have him here, on this table, dismembered and scrutinized in minute detail, then I shall know the answer with certainty to questions that now I can only speculate on.
Kleinman: Yeah, but it’s not possible that under the microscope there’s something that you could never see?
Doctor: What are you implying? Uh, a spiritual element? A soul that lives on after we’re dead? A God?... Ask him if there’s anything else... What are you thinking now?
Kleinman: I just must remember next time I go out to a restaurant... not to order the sweetbreads.

Kleinman: This is ridiculous. Where is everybody? Unless, this is part of the plan. Maybe they have me under surveillance... If anything bad happens, they’ll come running out and grab me... Unless they don’t come running out. But they could never think that I’d be any match for a maniac. A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy with polio.

Prostitute: Jack, you’re making a fool of yourself. Some people can’t be bought, not for any amount of money.
Student Jack: Listen, you’re really the most sensual woman I’ve ever seen. It’s a quick $700. Go right there in the back room... What do you say?
Irmy: ... Let me see the 700.... Can we use the back room?

Irmy: What are you staring at?
Kleinman: Me?
Irmy: I’m not a whore!
Kleinman: What did I say? You know... Do I care what your hobbies are?

Kleinman: So, when you have the sword down your throat, what happens if you get hiccups?

Vogel’s Follower: We’re getting closer to the zero hour.
Kleinman: Yeah? So what do I do?
Vogel’s Follower: Don’t you know?!
Kleinman: No. That’s the point. You know, you got me up, in the middle of the night and no one’s told me what I’m supposed to be doing!
Vogel’s Follower: Kleinman, I swear, if anyone is killed or hurt as a result of your incompetence.
Kleinman: No, I don’t know enough to be incompetent.

Clown: Oh, mercy. We never know when we have a good thing. We always have to ruin it.
Student Jack: I know exactly how you feel. The earthly paradise known as woman.
Clown: All we’ll ever know of heaven.
Student Jack: All we need know of hell.

---

Irmy: Do you pray ever?
Kleinman: No. ’Cause my people pray in a different language, you know, I never understood what they were saying. For all I know, you know, they were requesting their own troubles.

Irmy: You see that very bright star up in that direction?
Kleinman: Mmm-hmm.
Irmy: For all we know, that star could have disappeared a million years ago, and it’s taken the light from it a million years to reach us.
Kleinman: Oh, so what are you saying? That star is not there?
Irmy: That it might not be there.
Kleinman: Even though I can see it with my own eyes?
Irmy: That’s right.
Kleinman: That’s a very, uh, disquieting thought, you know. Because when I see something with my own eyes, I like to know that it’s actually there. ’Cause otherwise, you know, a person could sit down in a chair and break his neck. You know, you have to be able to rely on things. That’s very, very important. You know who has these thoughts all the time? Schultz the tailor. He thinks that nothing is real at all and that everything exists only in the dream of a dog.

Vigilante with Spiro: How do you plead, Kleinman?
Kleinman: Not guilty. I plead not guilty! I never did anything in my life to deserve any trouble. If anything, I deserve a bonus.

Prostitute 2: There are laws against murder. Haven’t you heard about that?
Student Jack: Maybe certain people obey only their own laws.
Prostitute 1: Is that what they teach you at the University, to be superior?
Student Jack: No, no, no, no. We learn facts. Nothing but facts. Logic and Mathematics and how to become depressed.

Student Jack: Here’s a thoughtful looking man. What are your views on divine matters?
Kleinman: Excuse me, you... Me?
Student Jack: I’m asking you if you believe in God.
Kleinman: .... You know, I would love to. Believe me, I know I would be much happier.
Student Jack: Yeah, but you can’t.
Kleinman: I can’t, no. It’s just, you know...
Student Jack: You doubt his existence and you can’t make the leap of faith necessary.
Kleinman: Listen, I can’t make the leap of faith necessary to believe in my own existence.

Student Jack: You keep making jokes until the moment comes and you’ve really got to face death.
Kleinman: Why are we on such a morbid subject?
Student Jack: I just, you know... That’s the future, you know.
Prostitute 2: Oh, is it the future?
Prostitute 1: No, no, no. The trick is to have as much wine, as many men, as many laughs as you can until they carry you out in a pine box. And then don’t go easily.
Prostitute 3: When I go, I want to die in my sleep without ever knowing.
Student Jack: That’s some world when the nicest gift that you can wish for someone you really care for is that they die in their sleep.
Prostitute 4: If I thought that there was nothing except this, I’d kill myself.
Student Jack: I’ve thought of it. Believe me, there have been many times when my brain has said, «Why not?» I mean, there’s no point to anything. But somehow my blood always said, «Live, live.» And I always listen to my blood... How about you, Kleinman?
Kleinman: You know, I know exactly what I think about all this, but I can never find the words to put it in, you know, maybe if I get little drunk I could dance it for you. And, express myself.

Prostitute 2: Come on, honey, I know what’s on your mind. Come on. Let’s go to the bedroom.
Kleinman: I’ve never paid for sex in my life.
Prostitute 2: Oh, you just think you haven’t.

Irmy: All I know is you certainly saved my life. You were very brave.
Kleinman: Well, I can be brave, you know?
Irmy: You were.
Kleinman: It’s just that I can’t think about it first, you know. If I ever think about what’s going to happen to me, then I lose control of my muscles.

--
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Alice

Dr. Yang: See the wheel spin.
Alice: I’m sure you know, Doctor—
Dr. Yang: Concentrate.
Alice: ...there are two categories of people, you know? I... You know, not everyone can be hypnotized. I fall into the, erm...
Dr. Yang: Now, tell me what you see.
Alice: Penguins.

Dr. Yang: Penguins? What about penguins?
Alice: They mate for life.
Dr. Yang: Yes? You think penguins are Catholic?

Dr. Yang: Best way to get to know strange man is to observe.

Dr. Yang: Mrs Tait believes in ghosts.
Alice: I don’t know. I guess. What do I know?
Dr. Yang: Don’t all Catholics? Ghosts! Catholics believe in ghosts. In times of great stress, sometimes ghost appears.

Nancy: Let me stop you. We want blood-and-guts stuff, not so subtle.
Alice: Oh, well. I have another about a young girl who wanted to be a nun—
Nancy: No nuns. They want sexy, unscrupulous, rich, melodramatic, but no nuns.

Alice: Here’s the story: a woman who’s never done a dishonest thing in her life finds herself falling into a love affair with a musician.
Nancy: It’s a little vague, Alice.
Alice: Well... Really? You think?
Nancy: Look, be honest. What do you know about that kind of woman?
Alice: Well, I...
Nancy: Who’s the woman? Who’s the man? Who’s the poor husband? Where does it go? What makes it interesting? Is it lurid? Is it sexual? Perverse? Is she a whore?... What’s the matter? You look pale.

---

Dr. Yang: Creative energy all comes from nerve in back of neck. Mrs Tait has trouble writing, because nerve is pinched. Now, circulation very, very low. Must drink lots of Dr Yang’s special herbal tea. Creative spirit will come.

Joe: Jeez! Nothing shocks New York cab drivers.

Dorothy: There’s a difference between being trusting and wearing blinders.

Dr. Yang: Dr Yang must always continue education. Good for my patients and keeps Dr Yang young.

Dr. Yang: Love. Love is most complex emotion. Human beings unpredictable. No logic to emotions. Where there is no logic, there is no rational thought. Where there is no rational thought, there can be much romance, but much suffering.

Alice: A while ago, I had a routine life, with feelings I understood. A husband, a home.
Dr. Yang: Mrs Tait had illusion of happiness. Upon closer observation, not very honest husband, not very honest with self.
Alice: I’m frightened.
Dr. Yang: Freedom is frightening feeling.

Dr. Yang: Herb is potent. Choice is yours. Use wisely.
Alice: Choice?
Dr. Yang: I think Mrs Tait has better idea of who she is, than before she came to Dr Yang. Who her friends are, or are not. Who is husband, lover, sister, mother. What are her needs, her limits, her gifts. What are her innermost feelings. May not know all answers, but has better idea. No?
Alice: Yes. Yes, it’s true.
Dr. Yang: Now must decide which road her life will take.

--
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Another Woman

Kathy: I realize that you’ve been hurt, and if I’ve done anything wrong, I am sorry. Forgive me.
David: I accept your condemnation.

Hope: ...for one moment ... it was as if a curtain had parted, and I could see myself clearly. But I was afraid of what I saw. And what I had to look forward to. And I wondered... I wondered about ending everything.

Party Guest: One good thing about becoming 50. You don’t have to do it again.

Marion’s Father: Well, there are times when even a historian shouldn’t look at the past.

Laura: Do you think at your age you can find someone and fall in love again?
Marion’s Father: One hopes at my age to build up an immunity.

---

David: I’m really sorry. If I’ve done anything wrong, forgive me.
Marion: I accept your condemnation.

Marion: Fifty. I didn’t think anything of turning 30. Everybody said I would. Then they said I’d be crushed turning 40. But they were wrong. I didn’t give it a second’s thought. Then they said that I’d be traumatized when I hit 50. And they were right.

Marion: I don’t think I’ve ever recovered my balance since turning 50.
Hope: Aw, gee, 50’s not so old.
Marion: No, I know it isn’t, but... you just suddenly look up and see where you are.

Marion: ’...And I wondered if a memory is something you have or something you’ve lost.’

--
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September

Howard: Boy, what some people will do for love. Or the lack of it.

Diane: You were such a promising young girl, so bright, and you had my looks. Well, you had better bone structure than I did, but you lacked my height. And you had your father’s intelligence. You gotta do something about all that. I mean, you’re young, you’re lovely. Of course, you dress like a Polish refugee...

Diane: Oh, my God. Look at me... It’s hell, gettin’ older. Especially when you feel 21 inside. All the strengths that sustain you all through your life just... vanish one by one. And you study your face in the mirror and you... You notice something is missing. And then you realize it’s your future.

Diane: Lloyd! The Richmonds are flooded, the electricity’s gone off. God is testing us and I, for one, am gonna be ready. Where’s the vodka?

---

Peter: What branch of physics are you involved with?
Lloyd: Something much more terrifying than blowing up the planet.
Peter: Really? Is there anything more terrifying than the destruction of the world?
Lloyd: Yeah. The knowledge that it doesn’t matter one way or the other. That it’s all random. Originating aimlessly out of nothing and... eventually vanishing for ever. I’m not talking about the world. I’m talking about the universe. All space, all time, just... a temporary convulsion. And I get paid to prove it.
Peter: You feel sure of that, when you look out on a clear night like tonight and see all those millions of stars? That none of it matters?
Lloyd: I think it’s just as beautiful as you do. And vaguely evocative of some deep truth that always just keeps slipping away. But then my professional perspective overcomes me, a less wishful, more penetrating view of it, and I understand it for what it truly is. Haphazard, morally neutral and unimaginably violent.

Stephanie: You really wanna die? No.
Lane: No. That’s my problem. I... I always wanted to live.

--
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Stardust Memories

— I thought this was supposed to be a comedy. That was the most horrifying thing I’ve ever seen!
— Just horrible. This is a disgrace.
— I just don’t get it. I think the guy’s losing his mind.
— Something wrong with him. He’s out of balance.
— He’s not funny anymore.
— $12 million for that garbage? What self-indulgence!
— We can take the film away from him, we can reshoot it, we can recut it. Maybe we can salvage something.
— He’s pretentious. His filming style is too fancy. His insights are shallow and morbid. I’ve seen it all before.
— They try to document their private suffering and fob it off as art. What does he have to suffer about?
— Doesn’t the man know he’s got the greatest gift, the gift of laughter?

— What are you thinking about when you look out there?
Sandy Bates: Just, you know, all those people and... You know, how unhappy most of them are and... Those terrible things they do to each other and, you know... Everything’s over so quickly, and you don’t have any idea of was it worth it or not.

Sandy Bates: I’ve never seen such a sexy classical violinist before. I mean it. Usually they’re escaped Hungarians.

Fan: Your films are always psychological, never political. Where do you stand politically?
Sandy Bates: Sandy Bates: What can I say to that? I’m for total, honest democracy. And I also believe the American system can work.

Fan: A lot of people have accused you of being narcissistic...
Sandy Bates: I know, people think I’m egotistical and narcissistic, but it’s not true. As a matter of fact, if I did identify with a Greek mythological character, it would not be Narcissus.
Fan: Who would it be?
Sandy Bates: Zeus.

Sandy Bates: I don’t want anybody going to Jazz Heaven. That’s a nitwit idea. You know, the whole point of the movie is that nobody is saved.
— Sandy, this is an Easter film! We don’t need a movie by an atheist.
Sandy Bates: To you, I’m an atheist. To God, I’m the loyal opposition.

Sandy Bates: You can’t control life. It doesn’t wind up perfectly. Only art you can control. Art and masturbation. Two areas in which I am an absolute expert.

Fan: Do you really feel there’s such a thing as a perfect mate? I mean, don’t you think the basis of any mature relationship is really compromise?
Sandy Bates: I think any relationship is not based on either compromise or maturity or perfection or any of that. It’s really based on luck. You know, that’s the key thing. People don’t like to acknowledge that, because it means a loss of control, but you really have to be lucky.

---

Sandy Bates: Dorrie was great. She was bright, she was quick... She had a perfect personality. She was completely self-conscious out of bed, and when you got her in bed she was completely unselfconscious. It’s a perfect balance.

Sandy Bates: What do you want me to say? I was the kid in the neighbourhood that told the jokes, right? So we live in a society that puts a big value on jokes, you know? .... It’s luck. It’s all luck. I was lucky. I’m the first to admit I was a lucky bum. If I was not born in Brooklyn, if I had been born in Poland or Berlin, I’d be a lampshade today, right? It could happen just like that. So, you know, be thankful that you’re not Nat Bernstein.
Jerry Abraham: Nat Bernstein?
Sandy Bates: Yeah, wasted away. Incurable disease.

Fan: Are you Sandy Bates?
Sandy Bates: No.
Fan: Yes, you are.
Sandy Bates: No, no, no.
Fan: My mother buys meat in the same butcher’s your mother does.
Sandy Bates: Great.
Fan: Can I have your autograph?
Sandy Bates: Oh, jeez!
Fan: Could you write, «To Phyllis Weinstein, you unfaithful, lying bitch»?

Sandy Bates: When I was a kid, the thing that I always wanted was an elephant. I could never convince my mother to get one for me.

Sandy Bates: Obviously if you don’t have enough to eat or something, that becomes a major problem, the issues become very clear-cut. But what happens if you’re living in a more affluent society and you’re lucky enough to not have to worry about that, you’re surviving? So then your problems become how can I fall in love, or why can’t I fall in love, more accurately, and why do I age and die, and what meaning can my life possibly have? The issues become very complex for you.

Sandy Bates: I’m not a depressive. I have a good time. I have laughs.
Daisy: Do you?
Sandy Bates: Why? Do you not think so?
Daisy: I don’t know. Like what do you do, for example, for laughs?
Sandy Bates: What do I do? The usual, you know. Read, walk, communicate, all that stuff. Get undressed and perform the Heimlich manoeuvre on a loved one.

UFO Follower: Mr Bates? Excuse me. What have you got against intellectuals?
Sandy Bates: Intellectuals? Nothing. Why?
UFO Follower: Mr Bates, I’ve seen all your films. You really feel threatened by them.
Sandy Bates: Threatened? You’re kidding. I’ve always said they’re like the Mafia. They only kill their own.

Sandy Bates: You guys got to tell me, why is there so much human suffering?
Aliens: This is unanswerable.
Sandy Bates: Is there a God?
Aliens: These are the wrong questions.
Sandy Bates: Look, here’s my point. If nothing lasts, why am I bothering to make films, or do anything, for that matter?
Aliens: We enjoy your films. Particularly the early funny ones.

Sandy Bates: But shouldn’t I stop making movies and do something that counts, like-like helping blind people or becoming a missionary or something?
Aliens: Let me tell you, you’re not the missionary type. You’d never last. And-and incidentally, you’re also not Superman; you’re a comedian. You want to do mankind a real service? Tell funnier jokes.

Nurse: It’s a shame. Poor fool, he’s dead. And he never really found out the meaning of life.

Psychoanalyst: He saw reality too clearly. Faulty denial mechanism. Failed to block out the terrible truths of existence. In the end, his inability to push away the awful facts of being in the world rendered his life meaningless. Or as one great Hollywood producer said, «Too much reality is not what the people want.»

Fan: It’s amazing, Rash. From this he makes a living? I like a melodrama, a musical comedy with a plot.

--
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Interiors

& Frederick: Whatever happened to your photography? You used to be so hot on that.
    Renata: I hate it. It’s stupid. I feel a real need to express something but I don’t know what it is I want to express or how to express it.

& Pearl: Tell you the truth, I prefer the beaches.
    Arthur: She could sit in the sun all day.
    Pearl: That’s enough ruins. How many ruins can you see? But that hot sand, blue water — that’s for me.

& Frederick: ... To me, the conflict over the giving of the information between the French doctor and the Algerian was the best part of the play.
    Joey: I know. The writer argued both sides so brilliantly you didn’t know who was right.
    Pearl: I didn’t get that. I mean, to me, it wasn’t such a big deal. One guy was a squealer. The other guy wasn’t. I liked the guy that wasn’t.
    Frederick: Well, it’s a little more complex than that, don’t you think?
    Pearl: Why? You liked the squealer? Did I miss something?
    Joey: That’s what made me anxious about the play. I mean, how do you figure out the right thing to do? How do you know?
    Pearl: How do you know? I don’t know. You just know, you feel it. I mean... You just don’t squeal.

---

& Joey: ... I think you’re... really too perfect to live in this world. I mean, all the... beautifully furnished rooms, carefully-designed interiors, everything’s so controlled. There wasn’t any room for any real feelings. None. Between any of us...

& Joey: At the center of a sick psyche there is a sick spirit.

& Joey: Water’s so calm.
    Renata: Yes. It’s very peaceful.

--
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Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * But Were Afraid to Ask

& The Queen: Look where thou goest, fool!
    The Fool: Forgive me, I beg your puberty.

& The Priest: TB or not TB? That is the congestion. Consumption be done about it? Of cough. Of cough.

& Sorcerer: But be cautious. For if His Majesty should get wind of thy intent, he will cut off your legs, your arms and your head.
    The Fool: Right... Five out of six is not bad.

& The Guard: Halt! Who goes there?
    The Fool: It’s just the fool.

& The Queen: Kiss me quick.
    The Fool: Yes. Where is your quick?

& Tess: My God! She’s my husband!

& Tess: Sam, you should’ve told me, that’s all. I would’ve understood.
    Sam: It’s not the kind of thing that’s easy to talk about.
    Tess: Sam... we’ve been married for years. I love you. You love me. You could’ve come to me and said, «Tess... «I have a diseased mind. I’m a sick individual. I need help. I need treatment. I’m perverted. I’m unfit to function with normal, decent people.» I would’ve understood.

---

& Victor: I don’t know if you’ve read my latest book, «Advanced Sexual Positions: How To Achieve Them Without Laughing?» But it’s getting to be a classic.

& Dr Bernardo: You must forgive Igor. He was part of an experiment of mine that backfired. Using an electrical generator, I gave him a four-hour orgasm. He had fun, but he turned out like this.

& Sperm: Who knows what it’s gonna be like out there?
    Sperm: You saw slides in class.
    Sperm: Yeah, but you hear these strange stories. Like, there’s this pill these women take. Or sometimes the guys slam their heads up against a wall of hard rubber...
    Sperm: Oh, that’s nonsense.
    Sperm: Yeah, or... what if it’s a homosexual encounter?
    Sperm: This is no time to doubt our mission. You took an oath when you went to sperm school. To fertilise an ovum, or die trying.

& Sperm: I’m not going out there. I’m not gonna get shot outta that thing! What if he’s masturbating? I’ll wind up on the ceiling! No!.. Fellas... Fellas, it’s dark out there!.. I’m due at my parents’ for dinner.

& Sperm: See you guys in the ovary!
    Sperm: Save me an egg!
    Sperm: Well, at least he’s Jewish.

--
++ Quotes on the IMDb

Bananas

& Fielding Mellish: I’m not suited to this job. Where do I come off testing products? Machines hate me. I should be working at a job that I have some kind of aptitude for. Like donating sperm to an artificial insemination lab.

& Fielding Mellish: Why did I quit college? I could’ve been something today.
    Paul: So, what would you have been if you had finished school?
    Fielding Mellish: I don’t know. I was in the Black Studies program. By now, I could’ve been black.

& Paul: I don’t know what I’m gonna do tonight...
    Fielding Mellish: Get a date. We’ll double.
    Paul: OK, I’ll call Barbara.
    Fielding Mellish: All right, have her bring a friend.

& Semple: Hey, Ralph, how much is a copy of Orgasm?
    Fielding Mellish: Just put ’em in a bag, will you?
    Semple: Orgasm. This man wants to buy a copy. How much is it?
    Fielding Mellish: Doing a sociological study on perversion. I’m up to advanced child molesting.

& Nancy: Oh, would you like to volunteer for the Volunteers for San Marcos?
    Fielding Mellish: Is it possible to discuss that over dinner tomorrow night? Doesn’t have to be tomorrow night. I’m wide open for the next six years.

& Fielding Mellish: Erm... the night after tomorrow?
    Nancy: That’s... No, I can’t. I have a meeting of my women’s liberation group.
    Fielding Mellish: You’re not... You don’t have hostility to the male sex?
    Nancy: Oh, women’s rights do not automatically mean castration.
    Fielding Mellish: Oh... don’t say that word! Now I’ve got to walk around like this for two days.

& Fielding Mellish: I love you. I love you.
    Nancy: Oh, say it in French. Please say it in French.
    Fielding Mellish: I don’t know French.
    Nancy: Oh, please. Please.
    Fielding Mellish: What about Hebrew?

& Fielding Mellish: I... I guess I had a good relationship with my parents. I... They very rarely hit... I think they hit me once, actually, in my whole childhood. They started beating me on the 23rd December 1942 and stopped beating me in the late spring of ’44.

---

& Nancy: Something missing. I don’t know what it is.
    Fielding Mellish: Is it personality or looks?
    Nancy: Well, no.
    Fielding Mellish: Am I not smart enough?
    Nancy: No.
    Fielding Mellish: Is that what you’re saying?
    Nancy: No.
    Fielding Mellish: You mean... It has nothing to do with height?
    Nancy: No, it has nothing to do with the fact that you’re short, and it has nothing to do with the fact that you’re not bright enough. And it has nothing to do with the fact that your teeth are in bad shape.

& Fielding Mellish: Don’t worry about me, sweetheart. I’m like a cat. I’ll always wind up on my feet.

& Diaz: And now, as is our annual custom, each citizen of San Marcos will come up here and present his Excellency with his weight in horse manure.
    General Emilio M. Vargas: Horse manure? I thought they were diamonds.
    Diaz: We are an agrarian country.
    General Emilio M. Vargas: Yes, but horse...
    Diaz: You will fertilize your personal crops. Sometimes food is more valuable than gold.

& Esposito: Vargas has told everyone that you are dead. That we killed you. It is in all the newspapers.
    Fielding Mellish: Yeah, well, I’m very much alive, and I mean to lodge a formal complaint.
    Esposito: A complaint?
    Fielding Mellish: Yes, you cannot bash in the head of an American citizen without written permission from the State Department.

& Esposito: You have a chance to die for freedom.
    Fielding Mellish: Yes, well, freedom is wonderful. On the other hand, if you’re dead, it’s a tremendous drawback to your sex life.
    Esposito: Are you such a snivelling dog?
    Fielding Mellish: Depends what you mean by «such». I mean, I’m a good-sized snivelling dog.

& Esposito: History sometimes chooses strange ways. Today you are fearful. Perhaps one day you will be a tiger.
    Fielding Mellish: Don’t hold your breath. If you ever need a squirrel, call me.

& Fielding Mellish: Me?!
    Luis: The men have a growing respect for you. It is a chance to prove yourself.
    Fielding Mellish: Oh, look, I don’t wanna prove anything.
    Luis: You will fight a hero, and if necessary, you will die a hero.
    Fielding Mellish: You’d better get some rest, Luis. You’re beginning to talk gibberish.

& Fielding Mellish: We need money. What is the chief export of San Marcos?
    Luis: Dysentery. We grow bananas.
    Fielding Mellish: Bananas, bananas.

& Prosecutor: And you remember Fielding Mellish?
    Officer Dowd: He’s got a record. He was always being picked up at one demonstration or another. He’s a bad apple, a commie. A New York Jewish intellectual communist crackpot. I mean, I don’t wanna cast no aspersions.

& Priest: You stick to New Testament cigarettes, and all is forgiven.
    Cigarette Commercial Man: Thank you, Father.
    Priest: New Testament cigarettes. I smoke ’em. He smokes ’em.

--
+++ Quotes on the IMDb

Café Society

& Ben: If asked politely, people listen.

& Evelyn: ’It’s raining here today. Very pretty, but a little melancholy. Leonard says, its the poignancy of life, and not only do we have to embrace its meaninglessness, and celebrate life because it has no meaning. Its too deep for me, but mom always boils it down to: Live every day like its your last. And someday you will be right.’

& Vonnie: And here is where Joan Crawford lives.
    Bobby: Oh! My God! It takes your breath away. Right? Look at that car! .... What is she like?
    Vonnie: Beautiful. I knew her, before she was a movie star. She was larger than life.
    Bobby: I can imagine what it would be like, to be larger than life...
    Vonnie: Sure’d be fun for a while. But I think I’d be happier life-sized.

& Narrator: As his philosophy maven brother-in-law once said: Some questions you don’t wanna know the answers to.

& Bobby: No! This is great. Well my mother cooks spaghetti and meatballs. When a Jew cooks, it’s always over cooked. They wanna be sure to kill all the germs, so... I think, I’ll prefer yours.

& Phil: I love you. I have loved you for over a year. I handled the best I could. Maybe it was handled poorly at times. But in the matters of heart, people do foolish things.

& Narrator: ...But as Bobby’s brother-in-law said: Life has it’s own agenda.

& Vonnie: What’s her name?
    Bobby: Veronica.
    Vonnie: No it’s not!
    Bobby: It is.
    Vonnie: Stop it!
    Bobby: It’s Veronica, she pronounces it differently.
    Vonnie: I’m flattered.
    Bobby: I know... life is a comedy written by a sadistic comedy writer though.

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& Vonnie: What could I do? I had to choose.
    Bobby: As my brother-in-law said: Alternatives exclude.

& Bobby: Ben, Ben, I’m flabbergasted!
    Ben: You know, we didn’t have time for this bullshit, but when the ends near, you need somethin’.
    Bobby: And you don’t wanna be buried as a Jew in a Jewish cemetery?
    Ben: The Jewish religion doesn’t believe in an afterlife. ... I just have to know that all this just doesn’t end. You know what do I mean? I need to believe that a part of me keeps goin’. We all gotta soul. Right, Father?

& Rose: First a murderer, then he becomes a Christian. What did I do to deserve this? Which is worse?
    Marty: He explained it to you. The Jews don’t have an afterlife.
    Rose: We are all afraid of dying, Marty! But we don’t give up the religion we are born into!
    Marty: I’m not afraid to die.
    Rose: You’re too stupid to appreciate the implications.
    Marty: I didn’t say I like the idea. And I will resist death with everything I have. But when the Angel of Death comes down to cut me down, I’ll go. I’ll protest. I’ll curse. You hear me? I will go under protest!
    Rose: Protest to who? What the hell are you gonna do?! Write a letter to the Times?
    Marty: I will protest in silence. Because my whole life, I pray and I pray and there’s never an answer! ...
    Rose: No answer, is also an answer...

& Rose: Too bad the Jewish religion doesn’t have an afterlife. They get a lot more customers.

& Vonnie: ... And dreams are... dreams.

& Leonard: Socrates said: The unexamined life not worth living. But the examined one, is no bargain.

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Anything Else

& David Dobel: Women... Camus said that women are all that we’re ever going to know of paradise on earth.

& David Dobel: Now she’s difficult. Soon, she’ll be impossible.

& David Dobel: .... And I was pouring my heart out to the driver about all the stuff you were prattling on about... life, death, the empty universe, the meaning of existence, human suffering... And the cab driver said to me: «You know, it’s like anything else.» Think about that.

& Jerry Falk: Hey, Mrs. Chase.
    Mrs. Chase: I told you not to call me Mrs. Chase! My name is Paula! Mrs. Chase makes me sound ancient. My life isn’t over yet. In fact, I’m just starting to live it.

& Mrs. Chase: Are you going to help me?
    David Dobel: I live to serve. Make your wishes known.

& Jerry Falk: I have steamers in the fridge from a week ago Sunday. You hungry?
    David Dobel: No. I make it a practice never to ingest bivalves that have been dead more than 72 hours.

& Jerry Falk: ’If life is meaningless, then why choose to live? Dobel says we don’t choose, our blood chooses for us.
    What does it all add up to if I die?
    Freud says sex and work. Dobel says work gives the illusion of meaning, and sex gives the illusion of continuity.’

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& David Dobel: The pill makes her crazy? Falk, she is crazy! The Pentagon should use her hormones for chemical warfare!

& David Dobel: What you don’t know will kill you! What you don’t know won’t hurt you, it’ll kill you. Like if they tell you you’re going to showers but they turn out not to be showers.

& David Dobel: You know, it’s not in vino veritas. It’s in eros veritas.

& David Dobel: Let me tell you, I am of the Hebrew persuasion, but that guy who handles you is a member of one of the lost tribes of Israel that should have remained lost.

& David Dobel: And you got this shrink who, like God, never speaks and, like God, is dead.

& David Dobel: There’s nothing wrong with being afraid. We were meant to be afraid. That’s why you have to build a survival kit.

& Jerry Falk: I would have just slinked away, bullied. You know? But he wouldn’t let the injustice rest. He resisted. There are always some people who will resist. And, as he says, the issue is always fascism.

& David Dobel: If only certain moments in life could last... Just stay frozen, like some old vase.

& Jerry Falk: Dobel says the crimes of the Nazis were so enormous that if the entire human race were to vanish as a penalty it could be argued that it would be justified.

& David Dobel: In life, they’ll be no shortage of people who’ll tell you how to live. They’ll have all the answers... what you should do and not do. Don’t argue with them. Say, «Yes, that’s a brilliant idea,» and do what you want.

& David Dobel: Whenever you write, strive for originality, but if you have to steal, steal from the best. And if you take very good care of your styptic pencil and dry it after every shave, it’ll last longer than most relationships you’re in.

& Cab driver: What’d you say?
    Jerry Falk: I was just saying how strange life is, how full of inexplicable mystery.
    Cab driver: Well, you know, it’s like anything else.

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