The End

A Series of Unfortunate Events 3×7

♪ I beg of you, I beg of you ♪
♪ Stop watching, save yourself ♪
♪ Just look away ♪
♪ Look away ♪

Lemony Snicket: You may have noticed in your life that it is easier to get used to happiness than despair. The 13th time you drink a root beer float, you may enjoy it less than the first time because you have become used to the taste of vanilla ice cream and root beer mixed together. However... the 13th time you discover somebody is following you, your despair is much greater than the first time because you've been on the run for many years and you're exhausted...

Lemony Snicket: All that I do know is that in this story... there are no happy endings, and in that respect... I fear that the Baudelaire orphans and I are in the same boat.

Klaus Baudelaire: Do you think he's...
Violet Baudelaire: I've never seen him look so calm.

Count Olaf: You call this a colony? It's just a bunch of yutzes!
Klaus Baudelaire: You mean yurts. And they're tents.
Count Olaf: I don't know, they seem pretty relaxed to me.

Friday: This is our facilitator, Ishmael.
Ishmael: Oh, call me Ish.

Ishmael: So tell me, how did three children like you come to be shipwrecked with a man like that?
Klaus Baudelaire: It's a long story.
Violet Baudelaire: Extremely long.
Sunny Baudelaire: Three seasons.

Ishmael: We have a motto on this island: "Forget your troubles." Care for a drink?

Ishmael: As for Count Olaf, well, we've placed his cage by the seawall, and tomorrow, when that seawall floods, Count Olaf will drown.
Klaus Baudelaire: Isn't that cruel?
Ishmael: That depends on how you look at it...

Violet Baudelaire: It was just an idea.
Ishmael: Yes, but ideas lead to more ideas, which lead to arguments, which lead to schisms. You remember what got you stranded here to begin with... Don't. Rock. The boat.
Klaus Baudelaire: ... It's an expression which don't do anything that might cause trouble.

Count Olaf: You're not as stupid as you look, though that would be impossible.

Count Olaf: Of course I'm going to die! That's the way of the world, Baudelaires. Everybody runs around with their secrets and their schemes, trying to outwit one another, and then they die.

Lemony Snicket: The difference between your memory of a person and their handwriting is that, unlike words written in ink, most memories fade over time. .... But some memories never fade, and these memories are often of people we've lost. We carry them with us...

Ishmael: As a decent person, I never presume someone's gender, but you're trying to manipulate my decency, so take off that ridiculous disguise!

Count Olaf: You took a plucky schoolboy and made him think that books and poetry and learning would keep him safe. Well, they didn't. Every parent figure I've ever had has either let me down or died. This is The End.

Klaus Baudelaire: You could spread the fungus to the entire world!
Violet Baudelaire: You're making a terrible mistake!
Ishmael: Maybe I am. Being a leader is like being a parent. You try to keep your children safe. You just don't always know what you're doing.
Ω So true and relevant to the moment.

Count Olaf: There's always one thing you can do... You can die.

Count Olaf: Don't you understand, Baudelaires? Don't you understand that so much of life is just waiting for people who have wounded you to finally, finally die?

Kit Snicket: Sometimes... you have to fight fire with fire.
Klaus Baudelaire: When you fight fire with fire, the world goes up in smoke.

Lemony Snicket: Skimming a book is not the same as reading it, for the same reason that fast-forwarding through a piece of televised entertainment is not the same as watching it. But when you skim through a narrative, you get a strange view of the story, full of confusing utterances... out of context revelations... and increasing desperation as you get closer to The End.

Klaus Baudelaire: Maybe it's too late. Maybe this is The End of our story.

---

Klaus Baudelaire: That looks bad.
Count Olaf: I've been worse.

Count Olaf: Hello, hello, hello.

Count Olaf: Let me see your eyes... The night has a thousand eyes, and the day but one. Yet the light... of the bright world dies with the dying sun.
Kit Snicket: The mind has a thousand eyes, and the heart but one. Yet the light of a whole life dies when love is done.

Count Olaf: What's that thing your brother used to say? Man hands on misery to man.
Kit Snicket: It deepens...
Klaus Baudelaire: ...like a coastal shelf.
Count Olaf: Get out as early as you can... And don't have any kids yourself.

Lemony Snicket: As I'm sure you know, "labor" is the term for the process by which a woman gives birth. By no coincidence, it is also a word that means "a very difficult task."

Lemony Snicket: It is likely your eyes were closed when you were born, so that when you left the safe place of your mother's womb, or if you are a seahorse, your father's yolk sac, you did not yet know the people who would shelter you as your life began, when you were even smaller and more delicate and demanding than you are now. Perhaps if we saw what was ahead, and glimpsed the crimes, follies, and misfortunes that would befall us, we would all stay in our mothers' wombs, then there would be nobody in the world but a great number of pregnant, irritated women.

Lemony Snicket: In any case, all of our stories begin in darkness with our eyes closed. And all our stories end that way, too, as we utter our last words... before slipping back into darkness... and silence.

Klaus Baudelaire: Are we ready to do this?
Violet Baudelaire: If we wait until we're ready, we'll be waiting the rest of our lives.

Lemony Snicket: Sometimes a chapter might end, but that doesn't mean that the story is over. And some stories go on, even after the storyteller has stopped telling them.

Lemony Snicket: Strange as it may seem, I still hope for the best, even though the best, like an interesting piece of mail, so rarely arrives.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb

The Penultimate Peril: Part Two

A Series of Unfortunate Events 3×6

Esmé Squalor: Sugar?
Kit Snicket: No, thank you. I always thought tea should be bitter as wormwood and sharp as a double-edged sword.

Olaf: Critic? Bah! We theatrical types should be complimented, not criticized.
Lemony: You'll find this interesting, Olaf. "Theatrical" is a word which here means "related to the theater," but it can also mean a person who is prone to fits of melodrama.

Lemony Snicket: The past haunts the present the way a ghost might haunt an opera house.

Lemony Snicket: You can get in my taxi. Sometimes when I'm in a dangerous situation, such as a public place where I'm being accused of a murder that I did not commit, I find it useful to get away quickly in a taxi.

Violet Baudelaire: We can't live on the run forever.
Lemony Snicket: It's not hard. You just have to evade the authorities, fake your death in an unreliable newspaper, and spend the rest of your days hiding out in a series of anonymous, interchangeable motels.

Klaus Baudelaire: Mother said laws are like sausages. If you learn how they're made, it can ruin your breakfast.

Esmé Squalor: Patience, darling. Mother used to say revenge is like making sausages. If you do it right, you can ruin someone's breakfast.

Mr. Poe: Everyone wears blindfolds to enter a High Court trial. Haven't you heard the expression, "justice is blind?"
Violet Baudelaire: Yes, but that just means that justice should be fair and unprejudiced.
Mr. Poe: Well, the High Court ruled that we should interpret that expression literally, so everyone must cover their eyes before the trial starts.

Esmé Squalor: Darling, justice is out. Injustice is in. That's why it's called injustice.

Mr. Poe: This is like the blind leading the blind, an expression that I just made up myself.
Klaus Baudelaire: It's already an expression. It means the people in charge don't know any more than the people following.
Mr. Poe: That hardly seems relevant.

Violet Baudelaire: It's hard to see anything with these blindfolds on.
Mr. Poe: Oh, what a lovely sculpture of a snake!

Mr. Poe: Don't be silly, Klaus. Justice may be blind, but the High Court ruled the evidence must be seen to be believed.

Justice Strauss: Go on, Baudelaires. Tell us your story....

Justice Strauss: I'm going to consult with my fellow judges, and if they agree, we can declare these unfortunate events over at last.

Violet Baudelaire: We call Count Olaf to the stand!

Count Olaf: You're not the innocent orphans you've let these people think you are. You've lied. You've stolen. You've abandoned people. You've set fires. Time after time, you have relied on treachery for survival, just like everybody else. Because here is the real truth that no one is willing tell you... There are no noble people in the world.
Violet Baudelaire: Our parents!
Count Olaf: Ha...

Count Olaf: Occupation?
Esmé Squalor: Single.
Jerome Squalor: Legally, we're still married!
Esmé Squalor: Single and loving it... Fabulously rich. Insanely attractive. The city's fourth most important financial adviser, or something.

Esmé Squalor: Please, darling, you can trust me to keep it safe. I'm rich and beautiful.

Lemony Snicket: Here, Esmé. You don't want to miss the penultimate scene. "Penultimate" is a word meaning "next to last."

Count Olaf: Who sings in the middle of a duel?

Count Olaf: Don't you want to know what happened next?
Klaus Baudelaire: What happened next?
Count Olaf: It was a slippery slope.

---

Esmé Squalor: Gasp for air and wail with anguish! A tingly sensation in your throats? That's the taste of my tingly, sensational revenge which, like justice and sausages, has been served cold!

Count Olaf: I'm innocent. I'm so incredibly innocent that the word "innocent" should be written on my face. The "I" would stand for "I'm innocent." The "n" would stand for "nothing wrong," which is what I've done. The "a" would stand for...
Klaus Baudelaire: That's not how you spell innocent.
Count Olaf: I'm sure spelling doesn't count.
Justice Strauss: Spelling counts.
Count Olaf: Well, then innocent should be spelled O-L-A-F, because that is how I plead.

Violet Baudelaire: This court is worthless and dishonorable! Two of those judges are working with Count Olaf!
Woman With the Hair But No Beard: That's absurd. Justice Strauss can tell you we've served on the High Court for many years.
Man With the Beard But No Hair: Although she can't tell you that now because she's just taken a vow of silence.

Man With the Beard But No Hair: Anyone taking off their blindfold will be arrested by the authorities.
Klaus Baudelaire: You can't trust the authorities.

Count Olaf: I will get my revenge on everyone, and volunteers and villains alike will perish in anguish!
Klaus Baudelaire: You'll die with them.
Count Olaf: Oh, no. I'll just push the Carmelita II off the roof and sail away.
Violet Baudelaire: You can't sail a boat off a tenstory building. The force of gravity would smash it to pieces!
Count Olaf: Well, then, I suppose I'll add gravity to my list of enemies.

Klaus Baudelaire: Sunny's right. If we warn people about the fungus, they might not listen.
Violet Baudelaire: They never listen, but if there's a fire...
Klaus Baudelaire: They might evacuate the building.

Violet Baudelaire: Justice Strauss, the law isn't always just. It isn't always good.

Lemony Snicket: However, I have learned the answer to the famous unfathomable question in the best-known novel by Richard Wright which asks, "Who knows when some slight shock, disturbing the delicate balance between social order and thirsty aspiration, shall send the skyscrapers in our cities toppling?" What this means is that a small event, like a man failing to give three children a ride in his taxi, could ripple and tremble, and bring down a building.

Lemony Snicket: Beatrice... I will love you if I never see you again, and I will love you if I see you every Tuesday. I will love you as the iceberg loves the ship, and as the passengers love the lifeboat, and as the battlefield loves young men, and as peppermints love your allergies. I will love you as we grow older, which just happened and happened again, and will continue to happen. I will love you until every fire has been extinguished and every home rebuilt, and every code and heart has been broken. I will love you if you marry someone else, and I will love you if have a child, or two children, or three. Seems like a good number... I love you, Beatrice. I always will.
Beatrice: You've always had a way with words.

Beatrice: Please stay.
Lemony Snicket: That's not how this story goes...

Lemony Snicket: The story of Lemony Snicket would be long and lonely and incomplete. But this is not that story. This is the story of the Baudelaire orphans... and I am merely the person telling it. My name is Lemony Snicket, and it is my solemn duty to investigate the lives of the Baudelaire orphans... because if I do... I may be able to find them again.....

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb

The Penultimate Peril: Part One

A Series of Unfortunate Events 3×5

Lemony Snicket: Unless you were born yesterday, in which case, welcome to the world, little baby, you have probably observed that things aren't always what they seem...

Lemony Snicket: The surface of a pond might seem calm, when, in reality, any number of secrets might be hidden beneath it. The world is like a pond that way. When you perform even the tiniest of actions, like dropping a stone... it can ripple, until the entire world has been changed.

Lemony Snicket: My name is Lemony Snicket, and I recommend you drop your streaming device into a pond. Your world will be changed for the better since you will not have to watch the sad story of the Baudelaire orphans. You will be spared the tragic tale of the Hotel Denouement.

Kit Snicket: Do you know what a flaneur is?
Klaus Baudelaire: A person who observes their surroundings, like a spy.
Kit Snicket: Very good. Children make the best flaneurs, since adults rarely pay attention to them.

Count Olaf: I'm not desperate for approval. I just want to pull off something big so they'll be super impressed and regret all the things they said about me, which is totally different!

Carmelita Spats: An extra special messenger is supposed to get an extra special tip.
Count Olaf: I'll give you this rock.
Carmelita Spats: Ew! I prefer gemstones.
Count Olaf: I prefer little girls to be quiet, so I don't get tired of their annoying demands and hit them with this rock!

Kit Snicket: The schism has turned many siblings into enemies. Remember, F is for Frank, who is friendly. E is for Ernest, who is evil.
Violet Baudelaire: They look alike. How can we tell them apart?
Kit Snicket: Unfortunately, the only way to determine if someone is noble or wicked is through close observation.

Ernest Denouement: I never want to be apart from you again, except in the restroom, at work, and when one of us is at a movie the other one doesn't want to see.

Lemony Snicket: The man in the back of that taxi is myself, many years ago when I was younger and more naive than I am now. If I could go back in time, I would tell him that a light gray suit looks good, but... it is easier to hide in a darker shade.

Esmé Squalor: I hear this hotel has a spa, which is perfect because I'd like a face peel. Do you get to pick whose face, or you just peel it off whoever's around?

??? Denouement: Room 610. That's for our guests associated with the healthcare industry. 332, financial economics.
Klaus Baudelaire: That bell doesn't have a number.
??? Denouement: That's our rooftop sunbathing salon. People who sunbathe usually aren't interested in library science, so they're not too picky about location.

Lemony Snicket: It is impossible for one person to be in three places at once, unless, of course, that person is viewing a television program.

---

??? Denouement: Sometimes what seems wrong is really part of a larger plan. Can I trust you, concierge?
Violet Baudelaire: If I can trust you.

Lemony Snicket: The clock in the lobby of the Hotel Denouement was the stuff of legend, a phrase which here means "very famous for being very loud."

??? Denouement: Sometimes what seems wrong is really part of a larger plan. Can I trust you, concierge?

Jerome Squalor: We just have to wait till Thursday. That's when all these unfortunate events will be over and I go back to the real love of my life.

??? Denouement: Sometimes what seems strange is really part of a larger plan. Can I trust you, concierge?

Mr. Poe: Oh, you're most certainly right we've never met. I may forget a name, but I never remember a face.

Count Olaf: As an upstanding, book-reading, still-living citizen, I sure love children. I love 'em so darn much. It's frankly kind of disturbing how much I love children.

Dewey Denouement: Sometimes what seems mysterious is really part of a larger plan.

Lemony Snicket: .... The moral of the poem is that observing a part of something is not the same as observing the whole. But if you share your observations, you may find that what seems confusing is really part of a larger plan. Or an elephant.

Violet Baudelaire: We'd love to live with you!
Justice Strauss: Do you really mean it?
Klaus Baudelaire: Of course!
Justice Strauss: Then this night is different from all other nights because this story is finally over.

Kit Snicket: The world's troubles aren't the fault of any one person, but it is your fault if you do nothing.

Lemony Snicket: What can I do?
Kit Snicket: You're not dead yet. Do something.

Dewey Denouement: Never underestimate the way that a good meal can change the world.

Dewey Denouement: You're a capable woman, Esmé. You could be doing so much more than playing second fiddle in the last chair in the back row of a thirdrate orchestra for Count Olaf.

Count Olaf: I may have a handsome and youthful glow, but I wasn't born yesterday.

Lemony Snicket: There is an opera called La Forza del Destino written by a composer named Giuseppe Verdi. "La forza del destino" is an Italian phrase meaning "the force of destiny," and destiny is a word which tends to cause arguments among the people who use it. Some people think that destiny is something that you cannot escape, like death or curdled cheesecake. Other people think that destiny is an invisible force that guides people through their lives, as if they are simply characters in an opera.

Lemony Snicket: Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire. My name is Lemony Snicket.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb

The Grim Grotto: Part Two

A Series of Unfortunate Events 3×4

Lemony Snicket: If you are considering a career in villainy, you will need several things... A villainous laugh... A villainous way to get around, ... and most important of all, a villainous disregard for the lives of other people.

Lemony Snicket: ...it is a poisonous fungus that waxes and wanes, a phrase which here means it disappears and reappears.

Violet Baudelaire: We have to find an antidote!
Count Olaf: Yes, well, I anti-don't-care. Tee-hee, ticklish!

Violet Baudelaire: Phil! You're alive!
Phil: Oh, better than alive. Just think, yesterday I had one job on a submarine. Today, I have two! I'm a rower and a swabber!

Hook-Handed Man: I think that suffering is like a family dinner. It should be shared.

Lemony Snicket: The expression "the tables have turned" ... refers to a situation that has suddenly been reversed so that those who are in a powerless position suddenly find themselves in a powerful one, and vice versa.

Klaus Baudelaire: This is a volatile situation.
Lemony Snicket: As the Baudelaires knew, the word "volatile" means "unstable" or "likely to cause trouble." And it can apply to people as well as to poisonous mushrooms. You probably have a person or two in your life who is like that. Perhaps even a sibling... When this person pops up, trouble may wax. And when they vanish... trouble may wane. But not always.

---

Fernald: You still don't get it. There is no wrong side of the schism.
Klaus Baudelaire: Of course there is! One side puts out fires, and the other side starts them.
Fernald: You should have seen the fire...

Fernald: Sure, I ended up doing more murder, arson, and assorted violence than I would have preferred, but people aren't either wicked or noble. They're like chef's salads, with good things and bad things chopped up and mixed together in a vinaigrette of confusion and conflict!

Fiona Widdershins: People aren't either wicked or noble. They're like chef salads. When you think of me, think of a food you love very much.

Fernald: I'll give you the location of the Last Safe Place.
Count Olaf: The who, what, when, why?

Count Olaf: I am happier than a pig eating pork. I am tickled pinker than a sunburned Caucasian. I am so happy-go-lucky that happy and lucky people are going to beat me senseless with a stake out of total unbridled jealousy.

Mr. Poe: I'd given up all hope of finding you, and I decided to visit this beach to indulge in some sadness and rock skipping instead of searching for you, which frankly has given me nothing but tsuris. "Tsuris" means trouble.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb

The Grim Grotto: Part One

A Series of Unfortunate Events 3×3

Lemony Snicket: After a great deal of time examining oceans, investigating rainstorms, and staring very hard at several drinking fountains, the scientists of the world developed a theory called "the water cycle." The water cycle consists of three key phenomena... evaporation, precipitation, and collection. All of them are equally dry, a word which here means "boring."

Lemony Snicket: Sometimes it is a relief to be bored because when one is bored... one is also safe.

Lemony Snicket: I advise you to find some safe, dry piece of entertainment, rather than watching another second of this danger-filled, extremely damp tale.

Lemony Snicket: The expression "shiver me timbers" comes from the society of pirates who enjoy using interesting expressions almost as much as jumping aboard other people's ships and stealing their valuables. It is an expression of extreme amazement they used in circumstances when one feels as if one's very bones, or timbers, are shivering.

Carmelita Spats: I'm not handsome! I'm adorable.

Hook-Handed Man: I'll make it up to you, boss. Who do you want me to kill?

Phil: I was sure I could find a better job than "unpaid mill worker." And look at me now. I am a cook on an understaffed submarine! Life keeps getting better and better!

Fiona Widdershins: What's for dinner, Cookie?
Phil: I don't like to say anything bad about anyone's cooking, even mine, so I won't.

Violet Baudelaire: "He who hesitates is lost" isn't a very useful philosophy. There are plenty of times where it's better to stop and think. Besides, it should be "he or she who hesitates."

Count Olaf: What is this?
Hook-Handed Man: What? Oh, it's a chef's salad. It's full of different things that are just chopped up and...
Count Olaf: Is there any beef in it?
Hook-Handed Man: It's vegetarian.
Count Olaf: Vege-what-who?
Hook-Handed Man: "Vegetarian" means there's no meat in it whatsoever—

Count Olaf: You are my henchperson, a word which here means you work for me. So the next time I ask you to toss a baby off a cliff, I expect to hear one thing... "Splat!"

Klaus Baudelaire: Well, our parents kept secrets from us too. I think they were trying to keep us safe.
Fiona Widdershins: Instead, we're facing dangers they never prepared us for.

Phil: You see? There is no problem that a family dinner can't solve.
Klaus Baudelaire: Political injustice.
Fiona Widdershins: Stomachache.
Violet Baudelaire: Complex math.
Phil: I'm talking about real problems, guys!

Lemony Snicket: The way sadness works is one of the strange riddles of the world. If you have been stricken with a great sadness, you may feel as if you have been set aflame as the sadness spreads over your life, like smoke from an enormous fire.

---

Count Olaf: I'll never laugh again. See? My lips can't even form the sound. All joy and mirth has been sucked from my life like those... What are those parasitic things that cling to you and suck your blood?
Hook-Handed Man: Lachrymose leeches?
Count Olaf: Families!

Carmelita Spats: Stop being depressing. It's depressing me.

Count Olaf: It's the Great Unknown.
Esmé Squalor: I thought that was a myth, like gravity or inner beauty.

Count Olaf: Consider this a mutiny. Full steam ahead!

Count Olaf: I'm splitting my sides! I'm nauseous with mirth! I'm seriously considering compiling a joke book from all the hilarious things bouncing around in my brain!

Count Olaf: Let's have one more round of villainous laughter, on the house. Ha-ha hostages!
Esmé Squalor: Hee-hee-hee antagonism!
Carmelita Spats: Cackle, cackle, cakesniffer!

Lemony Snicket: The phrase "uncharted waters" refers to locations that do not appear on a map, but it can also describe any place that is unknown. From the darkest depths of the sea... to one's own future, which cannot be known until it arrives.

Mr. Poe: S.O.S. That's what I ought to send! I'm literally drowning in paperwork.
Kit Snicket: Figuratively. You're figuratively drowning in paperwork.
Mr. Poe: Yes, I meant to say literally.

Mr. Poe: Is that my boss? Is it my wife? Is it the taxman? I meant to pay him, but I got so busy making money!

Lemony Snicket: One of the most powerful elements not found on standard periodic tables is the element of surprise... The element of surprise is found where you least expect it. But it is a dangerous element, which is why I recommend limiting one's scientific studies to the water cycle... The water cycle consists of three key phenomena: Evaporation, precipitation, and collection. All of them are equally boring... But so much less upsetting...

Count Olaf: Hee-hee-ho-ho.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb

The Slippery Slope: Part Two

A Series of Unfortunate Events 3×2

Woman With the Hair But No Beard: We know how to solve problems, don't we? Fire can solve any problem in the world.

Lemony Snicket: "Where there's smoke, there's fire" is an expression that means if something seems wrong, it usually is.

Count Olaf: Do you know how it feels to try so hard to please people who fail to recognize your talent?

Count Olaf: What kind of baby doesn't know how to start a fire?!

Count Olaf: Oh, please. I've seen better performances from a chimp with a cymbal. She's just acting like a helpless baby. I know. I'm an actor.

Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender: I'm beginning to question my life choices.

Violet: Are you ready?
Quigley: If we wait until we're ready...
Violet: We'll be waiting for the rest of our lives.

Hook-Handed Man: You're asking why a grown man would knowingly engage in morally questionable behavior?.. You'll understand when you're older.

Quigley: Celebrate when you're half done and the finish won't be quite as fun.

---

Esmé Squalor: That sounds like work. Why do we have to do it?

Esmé Squalor: Being trapped in a hot tub is even less "in" than getting in a hot tub on purpose.

Quigley: Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire.
Violet: If everyone fought fire with fire, the world would go up in smoke.

Esmé Squalor: Sheesh, some days you just can't catch a break...

Esmé Squalor: That's the problem with your side of the schism. Being righteous and well-read never gets you anywhere.

Man With the Beard But No Hair: Be a man and slay that baby, putz.

Count Olaf: I am amazing, brainy, courageous, dashing, enchanting, famished, gifted, hilarious, in.. in... in... What's a good word to describe me that starts with an "I"?
Man With the Beard But No Hair: Idiot. You disappoint us, Olaf.

Man With the Beard But No Hair: To fighting fire with fire!
Woman With the Hair But No Beard: And watching the world go up in smoke!

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb

The Slippery Slope: Part One

A Series of Unfortunate Events 3×1

♪ It's a horrid way to start up this ♪
♪ Our third and final season ♪
♪ Anyone still watching it has clearly lost all reason ♪
♪ Just look away ♪
♪ Look away ♪
♪ There's nothing but horror ♪
♪ And inconvenience on the way ♪

Lemony Snicket: Like handshakes, house pets, and raw carrots, many things are preferable when not slippery, and the least preferable slippery thing is a slope, which is why I implore you... to look away.

Lemony Snicket: "It's a slippery slope" is an expression which refers to the way even small, seemingly harmless actions can set you down a path to something horribly wrong.

Lemony Snicket: ... a slippery slope can also be literal.

Violet: Try not to think about falling.
Klaus: But it's impossible to think about anything else.

Violet: We're alive, but we're not okay.

Count Olaf: Do you smell that, Esmé? That's the fresh mountain scent of T-R-Y-M-F!
Esmé Squalor: What, darling?
Count Olaf: Triumph!

Count Olaf: I haven't felt this sharp and focused since I first smelled kerosene.

Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender: They've gotten themselves out of a number of dangerous situations. In a way, one can't help but admire them.
Count Olaf: One can too help but admire them, and I am sure they're dead! They fell off a cliff. Please! This isn't some overexaggerated melodrama.

Lemony Snicket: Allow me to offer a word of caution: If you happen to find yourself on a slippery slope, watch your step. When you're on top of something, such as a moral threshold or a mountain... there's nowhere to go but down.

Count Olaf: It's important to be well-rested before committing arson.

Count Olaf: We will surprise those volunteers in the middle of coffee, or tea, or whatever it is pretentious people drink.

Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender: There's no paper.

Count Olaf: It's called a catchphrase, a word which here means "a catchy phrase," and it is one of the most important tools in any pre-former's repertoire. ... A catchphrase should be cool and snappy, and you should be able to use it in any situation at all, like, um... "It's my way or the freeway." Or, "Give me those earrings, Rachel."

---

Count Olaf: I'm about to get everything I've ever wanted in life, so I'm feeling generous.

Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender: Is a personal philosophy of moral relativism the only way to survive in an ethically complex world, or is it an excuse we use to justify doing bad things?

Lemony Snicket: There is a story that describes more or less the same situation, and that is the story of Cinderella... Cinderella was a young person who was placed in the care of various wicked people who teased her and made her do all of their chores... She was rescued by a fairy godmother who magically created a special outfit so Cinderella could go to a ball and marry a prince. If you would like the story of Sunny Baudelaire, simply take the story of Cinderella and eliminate the fairy godmother, the special outfit, the ball, the prince, the marriage, the seasonal gourd that becomes a carriage, and the ending where they live happily ever after.

Klaus: How can anyone be "xylophone"? It's not an adjective.

Quigley Quagmire: Have you read the story of Anna Karenina?
Klaus: Our mother read it to us.
Violet: We were very young, so she'd stop to explain all the words and themes.
Carmelita Spats: Boring!
Klaus: Anna Karenina is a classic of Russian literature!
Carmelita Spats: That's another word for boring,

Quigley Quagmire: Some things are easier to find in the dark.

Carmelita Spats: Give me those earrings, Rachel!

Violet: We don't know who you are. How do we know we can trust you?
Quigley Quagmire: "Xenial" is an adjective that begins with X. It means being welcoming to strangers. Having a good vocabulary doesn't guarantee that I'm a good person, but it does mean I've read a lot, and in my experience, well-read people are less likely to be evil.

Carmelita Spats: I only watch network television.

Lemony Snicket: An aura of menace is a distinct feeling of evil that accompanies the arrival of certain people. Having an aura of menace is like having a pet weasel because you rarely meet someone who has one, and when you do, it makes you want to hide under your desk.

Mommy: What do you have to say for yourself?
Count Olaf: It wasn't my fault! It was theirs! I am surrounded by incompetence and disloyalty!
Hook-Handed Man: Hey, that's not fair.
Count Olaf: It's more than fair. It's totally true!

Klaus: The central theme of the novel Anna Karenina...
Violet: Is that a rural life of moral simplicity...
Klaus: Is the preferable personal narrative to a daring life of impulsive passion...
— Which only leads to tragedy.
Klaus: Our mother had us memorize it.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb

The Carnivorous Carnival: Part Two

A Series of Unfortunate Events 2×10

Lemony Snicket: On nights like this, I think of the fearsome beasts lurking in the darkness, and I wonder which part of the beast is the most frightening... Some say the teeth or the claws or the hair, if you are allergic. I believe that the most frightening part of any beast is its belly, because if you are seeing the belly of the beast, you have been devoured. And for that reason, the phrase "in the belly of the beast" means "in a terrible place with little chance of escape."

Count Olaf: Who here is familiar with the ancient art of sorcer-enary? Wait. Of sorcer-generarry? It means magic.
Esmé Squalor: Oh! Sorcery! You're trying to say sorcery.

Esmé Squalor: How can it be vicious and cruel to give people what they want? You want to join Count Olaf's troupe. The crowd wants to see someone eaten by lions. I want Lulu thrown into the pit... Tomorrow, one of you will have the exciting opportunity to give everybody what they want!

Lemony Snicket: The curious thing about being told to sleep on it, is that you usually can't. "Sleep on it" is a phrase which here means "to go to bed thinking about something in the hopes of reaching a conclusion." It's much easier to sleep when you've made up your mind.

---

Lemony Snicket: There are few truly happy moments in the lives of the Baudelaire children... This is not one of them. But it's close.

Mr. Poe: I just hope this circus has clowns. I like the sad ones.

Klaus: We hadn't noticed it.
Count Olaf: That's why I'm the boss, and I boss you to carry that crate to my car.

Count Olaf: You know, you're lucky that there are so many books and films here. They're highly flammable.

Lemony Snicket: Sometimes a story ends before it's over with unanswered questions, unresolved plots, lingering suspense blanketing the world like snow. Like smoke from a suspicious fire.

Lemony Snicket: It can be frustrating to live in suspense. Not knowing what's around the next curve in the road. You may feel as if you are on the edge of a cliff, not knowing if you will fall. How sharp the rocks are at the bottom, or if you will have time to scream. But life is like that... It's a cliff-hanger.

Count Olaf: Down they go, into the belly of the beast.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb

The Carnivorous Carnival: Part One

A Series of Unfortunate Events 2×9

Dr. Montgomery: In the words of a very wise and talkative Tibetan Monk-Snake, "Life is a conundrum of esoterica."

Aunt Josephine: I feel fierce and formidable. Let's build a house on the edge of a cliff, and let's... let's use commas and semicolons with reckless abandon.

Lemony Snicket: I feel an uneasy sense of creeping dread.

Count Olaf: Alone! Desperate. Defeated. These are words I thought I'd never use except when talking about other people.

Count Olaf: Did one of the Baudelaire parents survive the fire?
Madame Lulu: ...... You will have your answer in morning.
Count Olaf: Argh!
Esmé Squalor: The morning?
Madame Lulu: Is how crystal ball works. Day shift, night shift, like a cannery.

Lemony Snicket: Besides getting several paper cuts in the same day or receiving news your worst enemy has been awarded free ice cream, one of the most unpleasant experiences in life is a job interview.

Lemony Snicket: From the moment you introduce yourself... you're participating in a ritual you are likely to find humiliating and sinister...

Lemony Snicket: You may be asked to perform some meaningless task you're in no position to refuse...

Lemony Snicket: You are likely to be watched carefully, while you're performing this task, and you're likely to pretend to be far more enthusiastic than you actually are...

Lemony Snicket: And you are likely to be evaluated, which here means tested over and over again for no reason other than your own embarrassment.

Lemony Snicket: But the worst thing about a job interview is that it is likely to fill you with despair, whether you are dismissed immediately and find yourself wandering unemployed across a desolate landscape, weeping and moaning, or whether you are hired, and find yourself wandering across that same desolate landscape, weeping and moaning in exchange for a salary.

---

Count Olaf: They're lucky to have work. Without this carnival, they'd be working in human resources with the rest of the freaks.

Esmé Squalor: If she's so good at fortune-telling, why does she live out here in the Hinterlands instead of having her own television show in the city?

Lemony Snicket: Miracles are like meatballs. Nobody can agree what they're made of, where they come from, or how often they should appear...

Lemony Snicket: A person might say a sunrise is a miracle, even though it happens every day and far too early in the morning...

Lemony Snicket: Somebody else might say that leaping successfully from a train is a miracle, even though that happens every day and far too early in the morning...

Lemony Snicket: There is another similarity shared by a miracle and a meatball: They both might appear to be one thing and turn out to be another.

Count Olaf: If you want a mule to move, you can reward it with a carrot or you can hit it with a stick.

Count Olaf: Maybe I can beat two mules with one stick...

Klaus: There has to be something here that isn't just... just smoke and mirrors!

Lemony Snicket: As I said, the Baudelaires' lives were about to be changed by a surprising arrival. The surprising arrival was a pack of starving lions. And this story is about to get much, much worse...

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb

The Hostile Hospital: Part Two

A Series of Unfortunate Events 2×8

Lemony Snicket: Mr. Sirin was a lepidopterist, a word which usually means a person who studies butterflies. In Mr. Sirin's case, it also meant one who is being pursued by government officials.

Lemony Snicket: When a situation is particularly fraught or tense, a person is said to have butterflies in their stomach. Having butterflies in one's stomach is not a pleasant feeling, but it is the best way to describe how Klaus and Sunny felt, hiding in the vents at a hostile hospital...

Perky Volunteer: A cheerful attitude is much more effective at fighting illness than painkillers or water. So, cheer up and enjoy your balloon!

Hal: In my experience, those people who say they want to help you are the ones who let you down the most.

Count Olaf: It's time. Let's lose our first patient...

Klaus: Well, "cranio" means head, and "ectomy" means to remove something.
Esmé Squalor: You know very big words. You must be a very good doctor. Let's find out how good you are...

Esmé Squalor: If you're wondering about my enormous, terrifying knife, the answer is, yes, it's incredibly sharp. One swipe and...

Count Olaf: Doctors, nurses, Volunteers Fighting Disease, gore fans, regular people, welcome to the operating theater of Heimlich Hospital!...

Count Olaf: As I'm sure you've heard, a cranioectomy is a procedure in which the patient's head is removed. Scientists have discovered that many health problems are rooted in the brainial area. So, the best thing to do for the patient is remove the head altogether.

Lemony Snicket: When you read a lot of books, you are going to learn information that might not be useful for a long time. Then suddenly, like a strike of lightning... or a grand piano falling out of a window, an opportunity arises to use the information gleaned from even the most unlikely piece of reading.

Lemony Snicket: I am alone this evening, alone because of a cruel twist of fate, a phrase which means nothing has gone the way I thought it would.

Lemony Snicket: Sometimes life feels like some dismal story presented as entertainment by some cruel and invisible author. It isn't a pleasant way to feel. But what choice do we have?...

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb
+ Soundtracks

The Hostile Hospital: Part One

A Series of Unfortunate Events 2×7

Lemony Snicket: My name is Lemony Snicket and I am on the lam, a phrase which here means "conveying this information to you while being relentlessly pursued by the law."

Lemony Snicket: ...their fire truck ran out of gas deep in the Hinterlands, a term which here means "a desolate place unlikely to bring their troubles to an end."

Lemony Snicket: But your own troubles could be over this instant if you are sensible enough to halt this dire programming by pressing any nearby button marked "stop."

Klaus: So VFD stands for Volunteers Fighting Disease?

Violet: What exactly will we be doing?
Bearded Man: Mostly, we wander the halls, singing songs and handing out heart-shaped balloons to each person on our list...
Violet: How exactly does that help fight diseases? ....
Sis: Well, because... Because when you're laughing, you're... When you're laughing, you're taking in oxygen or whatever, and that oxygen goes, um... A cheerful attitude is the most effective tool against sickness.
Klaus: I thought antibiotics were.
Bearded Man: .... Come on, everybody!

Count Olaf: I think it's time for a game of "doctors and nurses."

Babs: Paperwork makes the world go round.
Count Olaf: I thought money did that.
Babs: Oh! You.

Esmé Squalor: What are we going to do?
Count Olaf: Plan number B.

---

Hal: I trust you completely. I'm going to file you under "M..." for "my friends."

Count Olaf: Tonight's production of Let's Scare Babs to Death is about to begin...

Babs: Get a hold of yourself. You're head of human resources and hospital administration, for goodness' sake! And also party planning.

Count Olaf: Please, Babs. Dr. Medical School was my mother. Call me Mattathias.

Count Olaf: I hate boring television.

Lemony Snicket: Just about everything in this world is easier said than done, with the exception of "assisting Sisyphus's cyst-susceptible sister," which is easier done than said.

Hal: Good night, children. I shall file you under "P," for "people I trust most in this world."

Klaus: I feel terrible about this.
Violet: One day, we'll apologize and explain.
Klaus: Yeah. But until then?

Esmé Squalor: I'm wild about movies. Now, who wants popcorn?

Esmé Squalor: I'm filing you under "S" for "smashed flat!"

--
On the IMDb

The Vile Village: Part Two

A Series of Unfortunate Events 2×6

Lemony Snicket: What is bad news to one person might be good news to someone else. And sometimes, what seems like good news... might actually be something full of sadness, misery and grief.

Lemony Snicket: ...you have no reason to be as haunted as I am. Look away. This is nothing you ought to see.

Esmé Squalor: I don't think it's imperative. I think it is absolutely necessary.
Klaus: "Imperative" means "absolutely necessary," Esmé.

Count Olaf: There's only one person so uncool as to bite someone to death. The murderer who murdered Count Olaf by murder is none urder than Sunny Baudelaire!

Elder Anabelle: Hold on a moment. We can't simply burn people at the stake whenever we want. We're civilized people...
Elder Jemma: ... How about after supper?
Elder Anabelle: Okay.

Eleanora Poe: What are you doing here, love of my life?
Mr. Poe: I'm here on business, fire of my loins.

Count Olaf: "Repugnant"?
Eleanora Poe: It's the word that means "horrendous and disgusting."
Count Olaf: Man, I heard that cat was out-of-sight handsome.

Count Olaf: He was pretty as a shined-up platter of silver nickels in the mouth of a golden calf.

Count Olaf: You see, a scheme is like a fire. Everything must be in order for it to work. You need matches, torches, an angry mob that won't listen to reason, and the right sort of kindling. Orphans, for instance, tied to the wooden stake.

---

Klaus: That would take deus ex machina... It's a Latin term meaning "god from the machine." Something helpful happening when you least expect.

Count Olaf: Parts of the plan were unplanned. That's the plan. You don't want to overplan a plan.

Count Olaf: Think bigger.

Mr. Poe: I don't approve of children being burned, but it is the rules, and one must follow the rules.
Eleanora Poe: "Angry Mob Leads to Record Pitchfork Sales!" Wait until the readers of the Daily Punctilio hear about this!

Lemony Snicket: There's a term to describe the arrival of someone helpful when you least expect it. The term comes from very old plays. Near the end of the play when things seem especially dire, a powerful authority figure arrives on a mechanical device to save the day. And for this reason, the term for such an occurrence is "the god from the machine," or in the original Latin, "deus ex machina."

Elder Anabelle: I hope the children don't fall! We need to burn them in a fire!

Elder Sam: You can't let people break the rules to catch people breaking the rules!

Count Olaf: Eat my dust!...

Lemony Snicket: ...their own feelings were up in the air as well, a phrase which here means, "they weren't sure how to feel."

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb

The Vile Village: Part One

A Series of Unfortunate Events 2×5

Lemony Snicket: If the story of the Baudelaire orphans was a car trip, it would be unpleasant, uncomfortable, and interminably long.

Lemony Snicket: It is the Baudelaires' destiny to arrive here. But you could be someplace else. And within moments, you'll most certainly wish you were...

Mr. Poe: "It takes a village to raise a child." What a lovely, lovely aphorism. An aphorism is a phrase that can sound mysterious, but, in fact, is very wise.

Mr. Poe: Instead of having one guardian, who could be murdered or end up in cahoots scheme with a villain, you'll have hundreds of people caring for you all at once. What could go wrong?

Mr. Poe: I'm delighted to tell you the Baudelaires are now yours—
Count Olaf: That was easy.
Mr. Poe: Yours and everyone else's. I've delivered them to this town's aphorism-based guardianship program, It Takes a Village. Mazel tov!
Count Olaf: L'Heimlich!

Count Olaf: Okay. Last call. Anything else I can get you aside from the check?

Mr. Poe: Enjoy the communal raising of children. My wife and I decided to raise Edgar and Albert on our own. It took one trip to a kibbutz to realize that... Gesundheit.

Count Olaf: I do not want one more speck of dust invading the nostrils of the nose of the woman I love.
Esmé Squalor: I love when you talk about my mucus membranes.
Count Olaf: Oh, I'm not sure which I love more, your membranes or your mucus.

Count Olaf: This is a small town filled with regular folk. We need to blend in with plain, normal, upstanding, heartfelt, decent, simple, dependable, respectable people... The bonnet might be a bit much.

Esmé Squalor: Ciao. Hello. Greetings, VFD. My name is Officer Sabrina Pepper Anastasia Marigold. But you may call me Officer Luciana, your new chief of police.

Hook-Handed Man: What do we supposed to do now?
White Faced Woman #1: That's the trouble with small towns.
White Faced Woman #2: Once you infiltrate the police force, there's nothing much to do.
Bald Man: Vandalism?

Count Olaf: Welcome to the Firehouse Saloon. I have extremely pricey beverages which you have to pay cash for.
Jacques Snicket: I'll take a tall glass of Justice on the rocks... with a garnish of Your Wicked Schemes Stop Here.
Count Olaf: We're all out. But I can pour you a double shot of You'll Never Take Me Alive.

---

Hector: It's a mile away as the crows fly.
Klaus: You mean "as the crow flies," the shortest distance between two points.
Hector: No, literally, I mean as the crows fly.
Klaus: .... Awesome! That's a word that means inspiring awe.

Count Olaf: Trapped... Caught like a trap in a rat.

Lemony Snicket: There are many expressions to describe someone who is going about something in the wrong way. "Making a mistake" is one way. "Screwing up" is another, although it is a bit rude. "Attempting to rescue Lemony Snicket by writing letters to a congressperson instead of digging an escape tunnel" is a third way, although it is a bit too specific. But there is one expression that describes the Baudelaires' situation perfectly, and as soon as the murder of crows embarked on their morning migration... the Baudelaires saw that they were barking up the wrong tree.

Lemony Snicket: All over the world, people tell themselves doing chores is useful, just as they tell themselves that an apple is as delicious as a cookie or that television is an important cultural art form...

Jacques Snicket: It's not an eye. Look closer. It's three letters...
Violet: "VFD."

Jacques Snicket: Listen, I may need some help after all. Ever break a man out of prison?
Klaus: How hard can it be?
Jacques Snicket: That's the spirit.

Count Olaf: I'm tired of books, Snicket. The world is dark and horrible. You know what makes it brighter?.. Sapphires.

Jacques Snicket: If you reinvestigate your ethical priorities, you could help repair the world instead of filling it with smoke.

Count Olaf: I thought having prisoners would be fun. But it's like having a pet or an in-law. You can lock them up, then you have to feed them.

Lemony Snicket: There is a word to describe a large number of crows. It is not a pleasant word. It is full of sorrow and sadness... A large number of crows is called a murder.

Count Olaf: They said... "Count Olaf has been murdered."

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb

The Ersatz Elevator: Part Two

A Series of Unfortunate Events 2×4

Lemony Snicket: I've read hundreds of newspaper articles, diaries, and more than one lavishly illustrated catalog in an attempt to understand the sad story of the Baudelaire orphans. The horrors I have found are best expressed not with words but with a sound you'll hear later in this episode. It's the sound of a long scream in the dark.

Lemony Snicket: If you continue to watch, I'm sorry to say, you may find yourself screaming as well.

Doorperson: Sorry for being suspicious. You can't be too careful with an actor on the loose.

Esmé Squalor: Let him rest. Sleep is natural part of life. Like cosmetics or frivolous lawsuits.

Olivia Caliban: I feel like I barely know anything about any of this.
Jacques Snicket: Let me bring you up to speed. The Quagmire kidnapping is the result of a murder, which is the result of an arson, which is the result of a moving violation, a misdemeanor, two poison darts, three civil suits and a stolen object.
Olivia Caliban: Ugh. The world is more complicated than I thought.
Jacques Snicket: That's usually the case.

---

Esmé Squalor: If I knew adopting the Baudelaires would bring you back, I would've orphaned them myself.

Lemony Snicket: It may be difficult to believe, but at any given moment, someone somewhere is in a dangerous situation and other people in some other place are dancing and having a good time. The world is often like this. A celebration here, terrible trouble just outside the door...

Jacques Snicket: So, you're with us?
Olivia Caliban: I'm with you.
Jacques Snicket: To the bitter end?
Olivia Caliban: Is the end going to be bitter?
Jacques Snicket: We won't know until we get there.
Olivia Caliban: How fast can we get there?

Mr. Poe: Don't let the despicable man escape for a sixth time!

— Red herring!
Lemony Snicket: The words "red herring" do not only refer to a type of foraging fish that may have a crimson hue due to being smoked or painted with excessive nail polish. They can also refer to a distracting or misleading clue, such as a box marked VFD that had nothing to do with a secret organization or a pair of kidnapped triplets.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb
+ Soundtracks

The Ersatz Elevator: Part One

A Series of Unfortunate Events 2×3

Lemony Snicket: The episode you are about to watch, assuming your eyes are open and tilted towards me, is a story which can teach you the difference between the word "nervous" and the word "anxious." The word "nervous" simply means "worried about something." The way you might feel if you were served prune ice cream, because you'd be worried it would taste awful... The word "anxious," on the other hand, means "troubled by disturbing suspense." The way you might feel if you were served a live alligator, because you'd be troubled by the disturbing suspense of whether you would eat your dessert or it would eat you...

Mr. Poe: It's a good likeness of a very bad person.

Doorperson: Sorry about the lighting. Dark is in.
Violet: In what?
Doorperson: Just in.

Doorperson: The elevator is not out of order. It's just out. I'll phone the penthouse and tell them to expect you within the hour...

Klaus: ...We're in the dark.
Lemony Snicket: The phrase "in the dark," which I'm sure you know, can refer to not only one's shadowy surroundings, but also to the secrets which might be surrounding you too.

Lemony Snicket: Every day, the sun goes down over all of these secrets, so everyone is in the dark in one way or another. If you are sunbathing in the park, for instance, but you do not know about the deep and dangerous pit nearby, then you are in the dark even though you are not actually in the dark. If you are on a midnight hike knowing full well that several ballerinas are following you, then you are not in the dark even though you are in the dark. Of course, it is quite possible to be in the dark in the dark, as well as to be not in the dark not in the dark. But there are so many secrets in this world that it is likely that you are always in the dark about something, whether you're in the dark in the dark or in the dark not in the dark. So you'll eventually fall into the deep and dangerous pit dug by several ballerinas, which is dark in the dark in the park.

Jerome Squalor: Alcoholic martinis are out and aqueous martinis are in.
Violet: Aqueous martinis?
Jerome Squalor: It's just cold water in a fancy glass with an olive in it.

Jerome Squalor: You know how it is... You get older. You find different interests. You marry a woman who despises all of your old friends... But there's no need to discuss such unpleasantness.

Esmé Squalor: Children, here are things you should know... Dark is in, light is out. Stairs are in, elevators are out. Pinstripe suits are...
Klaus: In.
Esmé Squalor: In. Yes. Those horrible clothes you're wearing are out.

---

Count Olaf: ...they will starve to death like castaways on desert island or vegetarian restaurant, please.

Esmé Squalor: Oh! Let's not talk about depressing things like others being kidnapped. Let's talk about exciting things happening to me, like the In Auction we're planning...

Esmé Squalor: Of course, all the money goes to a good cause.
Jerome Squalor: Aw! Which good cause?
Count Olaf: Me.
Esmé Squalor: Me. Every last penny goes to me.

Jerome Squalor: Shouldn't we give the proceeds to those who need it? Perhaps those starving people we were reading about?
Esmé Squalor: Starving people can't eat money. Plus, if we give money to poor people, they won't be poor, and we won't have anyone to feel sorry for.

Count Olaf: In my country, children do not interrupt married couple and foreign man turning tricks!

Jerome Squalor: Say cheese!
— Gorgonzola!

Olivia: I am talking about the parade of tsuris that has plagued the Baudelaires, the Quagmires, and who knows what other orphans, whose affairs you are supposed to be vice president of. "Tsuris" means "trouble" in Yiddish.
Mr. Poe: I know what "tsuris" means.

Olivia: I have taken an unpaid sabbatical from my job as a school librarian to come to the city and investigate. Frankly, the more I read, the more confused and upset I become.
Mr. Poe: The same thing happens when I read. It's why my wife and I prefer to curl up on the sofa and watch a few episodes of streaming television.

Esmé Squalor: Vodka martini? Are we living in garbage?

Esmé Squalor: Look at this place. Daily Punctilio says it's the innest thing since that bakery on 9th Street.
Violet: Café Salmonella?
Esmé Squalor: You're going to love the theme...

Jacques Snicket: My brother once said suspicious activity is like good jazz. We'll know it when we hear it.

Larry Youe-Waiter: Salmon bread served with salmon butter distilled from the head of a freshly caught salmon.

Lemony Snicket: The life cycle of the salmon is not unlike the life cycle of human beings, in that it begins in cozy circumstances, gets progressively colder, and often ends in suffering and tragedy.
Larry Youe-Waiter: Now this salmon here was burned alive.

Lemony Snicket: One of the most difficult aspects of a salmon's life cycle is when they swim upstream to spawn, a word which here means "spend quality time with the salmon they love most." Swimming upstream is a very difficult thing to do, because you are swimming against the current.

Esmé Squalor: Eating too much food for too much money is the essence of civilization.

Eleanora Poe: Every journalist knows when a foreign man gives you a tip, you should believe him without question.

Violet: You nervous?
Klaus: I'm anxious. I'm not sure if I'm ready to do this.
Violet: Me neither. If we wait until we're ready, we'll be waiting the rest of our lives.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb
+ Soundtracks

The Austere Academy: Part Two

A Series of Unfortunate Events 2×2

Carmelita Spats: Who can't be beat?
— A dead horse!

Lemony Snicket: "School spirit" is a curious term. The phrase might sound as if it refers to a ghost or other undead phantasm haunting an educational establishment like very old gum clinging to a trophy case... What "school spirit" actually refers to is the belief one particular school is better than another.

Count Olaf: "Settle down." How often I hear those words come out of people's ears and into my mouth... "Settle," a word which here means "settling for less," and "down," my personal least favorite direction. Let me tell you a story...

Count Olaf: Settling down is what losers do. Settling down started World War I. Settling down is what happens when you bite your lip, and your lip gets swollen, so you bite your lip again, and then you keep biting your lip over and over. I don't want that!

Count Olaf: I think this calls for a little democracy, my second favorite style of government.

Count Olaf: Students! Faculty! Don't worry if every exercise program you have tried has failed you, because I am here to fail you more by putting the "whip" back into "whip you into shape."

Count Olaf: You are a genius.
Vice Principal Nero: You're a genius for noticing.
Count Olaf: You're the genius for saying so.
Vice Principal Nero: You're a genius for agreeing.
Count Olaf: All right, I'm the genius.

Count Olaf: Genius ideas are simple, like the wheel or neurosurgery.

Jacques Snicket: Oh, and by the way, I believe it takes one to know one. Cake-sniffer.

Lemony Snicket: That night was indeed a dark day. All nights are dark days, because night is simply a badly-lit version of day. But a dark day also refers to a time when something terrible is going on.

Count Olaf: My whole life is going around and around in circles. Like those things a hamster plays on before you put it in the oven.

---

Count Olaf: Good morning! Today is the first day of the life of your rest... First life of the rest of your day... Today... Today is the first day of the life of your rest. That's what I said. I said it the right way the first time.

Mr. Poe: Klaus, you can't argue with technology.
Count Olaf: Well said, Hat Stevens! You must be a very self-actualized person.
Mr. Poe: Well, I do eat a lot of yogurt.
Count Olaf: De-licious!

Count Olaf: Yes! Yes, let's hear it. I want your energy dumped on my head so it can run down my face like lotion.

Count Olaf: I feel it. Can you feel it, Caligula?
Vice Principal Nero: Nero.

Count Olaf: This school has a new kind of spirit energy. A sense of unity and joy which you usually cannot find unless you are at a birthday party or a public hanging.

Count Olaf: Hey, Gomorrah! Sass!
Mr. Remora: It's Mrs. Bass, and my name is Remora.
Count Olaf: We'll find out who's full of remora soon enough.

Lemony Snicket: Look away from this austere academy before it is too late. This episode in the lives of the Baudelaires is nearly over, but there is still time for it to get much worse.

Count Olaf: This reminds me of a story. Some time ago...

Lemony Snicket: ...This story ends the way all stories end. With the motto of Prufrock Preparatory School. That motto is "memento mori," and it means...
Count Olaf: Remember, you will die!...

--
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The Austere Academy: Part One

A Series of Unfortunate Events 2×1

♪ Look away, look away ♪
♪ Look away, look away ♪

♪ Ask any stable person "Should I watch?" And they will say ♪
♪ Look away, look away, look away ♪


Lemony Snicket: You probably shouldn't be here...

Lemony Snicket: This is a secret passageway in a restricted area about one third of the way through a dreadful and upsetting story.

Klaus: We've been tormented by treachery and villainy.
Violet: Child labor and leeches.
Klaus: And now, a new school.

Klaus: "Memento mori."
Lemony Snicket: When you learn what it means, you will understand why this story can have no happy ending, the way no story has a happy ending.
Violet: What does "memento mori" mean?
Klaus: ... Remember, you will die.

Count Olaf: My IQ has been measured in the upper double digits...

Klaus: A library is an island in a vast sea of ignorance.
Olivia Caliban: Particularly if that library is tall and the surrounding area has been flooded.

Vice Principal Nero: What a lovely girl. Sweet as a butterscotch buttercup.

Vice Principal Nero: When you hear an incredible violin performance, it's tradition to clap and cheer and yell "Bravo!"

Vice Principal Nero: I know all about you. You've been to guardian after guardian, and adversity has always followed. Adversity means "trouble," by the way.

---

Vice Principal Nero: Klaus, you will be with Mrs. Bass in room two, which is easy to remember if you think of Tu B'Shevat, the Jewish equivalent of Arbor Day.

Vice Principal Nero: Why are you here?
Olivia Caliban: Why are any of us here? "Life is thickly sown with thorns, and I know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them." Voltaire said that.
Vice Principal Nero: I thought we expelled that French kid for smoking.

Olivia Caliban: Too bad we can't fix stupidity at the vice principal level.
Larry: In a world often governed by corruption and arrogance, it can be difficult to stay true to one's literary and philosophical principles.

Lemony Snicket: The expression "making a mountain out of a molehill" simply means making a big deal out of a small deal. It's easy to see how this expression came about. Molehills are mounds of earth serving as condominiums for small mammals. And they have never caused anyone any harm, except for maybe a stubbed toe if you're being pushed by a bully... Mountains, however, are very large mounds of earth and are constantly causing problems. From frostbite to protracted border disputes, hang gliding mishaps. Which is why when we
call something a mountain... we mean that it is a large amount of trouble.

Mrs. Bass: We have a brand new orphan today. It must be difficult for you to measure how unhappy you are without your parents, but we're gonna try...

Mrs. Bass: We'll continue our lessons on the metric system by measuring various objects. Later we'll have a quiz. The first thing to measure is this jar of mayonnaise I found in my garage.

Count Olaf: We need someone on the inside, a student who will help us infiltrate, if infiltrate is what I mean.
Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender: Do you mean "to penetrate an institution surreptitiously"?

Vice Principal Nero: Attendance is mandatory. Mandatory means "anyone who doesn't come has to buy me candy and watch me eat it."

White Faced Woman #1: En garde!
White Faced Woman #2: That's French for "We gotcha!"

Count Olaf: You know what they say about the food service industry... It's a cold, cold business.

Count Olaf: So much to learn, and I am here to school you.

--
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The Miserable Mill: Part Two

A Series of Unfortunate Events 1×8

Lemony Snicket: "Seeing in black and white" is a way of saying that a person looks at the world in a manner that is oversimplified and often incorrect. Like many newspapers, the Daily Punctilio is printed in black and white, and its look at the world is oversimplified and often incorrect.

Lemony Snicket: It is my duty to report these events correctly, the way they actually happened. But if you prefer to look at the world in black and white, then you should avert your eyes or pick up a newspaper instead.

Sir: Nonsense! Dr. Orwell has provided free eye exams to Lucky Smells employees for years. And there's nothing villainous about free healthcare.

Count Olaf: Hi, I'm Cookie. Shirley?.. I'm Shirley. Cookie?

Flacutono: Move as fast as you can and then move faster!

Lemony Snicket: "Fatal" is a word here which means "caused the death of one person who... it is my solemn duty to inform you... was not Phil."

Klaus: I don't understand. Everyone is staring at me like I'm a pariah... "Pariah" means "outcast."
Violet: Klaus, it's you.

Lemony Snicket: If the world ever feels confusing, as if people are having secret meetings to plot against you behind your back, it's useful to know they are. .... Like most things from the past, it's best seen... in black and white.

Sir: Absolutely not... They're an economic bonanza. They do the work of an adult for half the gum. What kind of a businessman would I be to part with them?

Violet: What's that thing Samuel Beckett said?
Klaus: "I can't go on. I'll go on."
Violet: Let's go on. Together.

Lemony Snicket: Sorry about that. We all have skeletons in our closet, metaphorically, meaning things from our past we'd prefer not leave lying around because they are painful or incriminating or would create unnecessary clutter.

Lemony Snicket: ... Unless you are a murderer or a taxidermist, it is rare to have actual skeletons in your closet, as opposed to metaphorical ones.

Violet: He was hypnotized, just like the rest of the workers here!
Sir: I don't care what my employees do for a hobby.

Sir: "Don't ask, don't tell." That's my motto.

Klaus: "It'll build character." That's just something people say when they're trying to make others accept a miserable situation.

Father: Sometimes when things look bad, they turn out to be worse.

Count Olaf: Wherever you go, I will be waiting. Wherever you hide, I will hunt you down. I'm smarter. I'm pluckier. I'm stronger... I'm unstoppable!
Violet: Why do you hate us so much?
Count Olaf: Because it's fun.

Lemony Snicket: Perhaps you've been told never to shout "fire" in a public place. When you shout "fire" and there isn't one, it can cause chaos. Of course, when you shout "fire" and there is one, it can cause chaos but also save lives. Still, there are times when shouting "fire" can save lives even when there isn't one. For example, you may be trapped in a motel room...

Dr. Orwell: How in the world does a child know a word like "inordinate"?!
Count Olaf: These brats know all kind of words. They're book addicts.

Charles: He may not have been a good partner, or a good boss... or a good person... but someday you'll learn things aren't always black and white.

Phil: Look on the bright side. You're alive!

Violet: What's our new guardian's name?
Mr. Poe: Guardian? Oh, no. Good God, no. I couldn't find a single one willing to take you in. Not after what happened to the last three. Uh, two. No, four.

Mr. Poe: Here's a fun bit of trivia. The architect who built this school was severely depressed.

Lemony Snicket: In a world both frightening and unlucky, there are a few comforts. One of them is making new friends. Friends can make you feel the world is smaller and safer than it really is, because you know people who have similar experiences. When you meet people like that, you may find your world feels a little more complete. Like the missing piece of a puzzle...

Lemony Snicket:
♪ You may think that the Baudelaires ought to prevail ♪
♪ And be tucked some place all safe and sound ♪
♪ Count Olaf captured and rotting in jail ♪
♪ His henchpeople nowhere around ♪
Count Olaf:
♪ But there's no happy endings not here and not now ♪
♪ This tale is all sorrows and woes ♪
♪ You dream that justice and peace win the day ♪
♪ But that's not how the story goes ♪
Mr. Poe:
♪ You might think that two parents both brave and both true ♪
♪ Would live till a nice ripe old age ♪
♪ But I'm sad to say I have bad news for you ♪
♪ The curtain rings down on the stage ♪

Baudelaires:
♪ Yes, there's no happy endings not here and not now ♪
Count Olaf:
♪ This tale is all sorrows and woes ♪
Mr. Poe:
♪ You might dream that justice and peace win the day ♪
♪ But that's not how the story goes ♪

Lemony Snicket:
♪ I once loved a girl and she thought well of me ♪
♪ We thought we'd be happy together ♪
♪ But now I'm alone as you can well see ♪
♪ And she's cold in her grave forever ♪

Count Olaf:
♪ There's no happy endings not here and not now ♪
Baudelaires:
♪ This tale is all sorrows and woes ♪
Violet:
♪ You might dream that justice and peace win the day ♪
♪ But that's not how the story goes ♪

Count Olaf:
♪ The world is a pair of ill-fitting pants ♪
♪ And other dire hideous clothes ♪
Baudelaires:
♪ You may think that three children would lead pleasant lives ♪
♪ But that's not how the story goes ♪

Lemony Snicket:
♪ Some people smile at the end of the day ♪
Count Olaf:
♪ Some people laugh, I suppose ♪
Mr. Poe:
♪ But to me there's nothing but gloom and despair ♪
♪ That's just how the story goes ♪
♪ That's just how the story... ♪

--
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The Miserable Mill: Part One

A Series of Unfortunate Events 1×7

Violet: We're almost out of the woods...
Lemony Snicket: "Out of the woods" is an expression referring to the fact that woods are dangerous places to be.
    In Hansel and Gretel... two siblings enter the woods and are menaced by an elderly cannibal.
    In Little Red Riding Hood, a wolf enters the woods and is menaced by a rude little girl.
    And in Walden, a poet enters the woods and is menaced by revelations that we should abandon civilization and live by a pond...
    It is for that reason that "out of the woods" has come to mean "a return to safety, away from menace and disturbing revelations." I am sorry to say while Violet was right in that the Baudelaires were almost out of the forest... they were far from out of the woods.

Klaus: What if we don't like what we find? Knowing can be a terrible thing.
Violet: But not knowing, isn't that worse?

Klaus: What exactly are we looking for?
Violet: It's like Father said about fine art. We'll know it when we see it.

Charles: Well, this lumbermill is hardly a safe place for children. And I should know, I run it. I'm Charles.

Charles: Uh, children, I'd like you to meet...
Sir: Call me Sir. Everybody does 'cause I tell 'em to. I'm the boss. They have to do what I say, even my partner here.
Klaus: Doesn't "partner" mean "equal"?

Lemony Snicket: Well, in fact, "partners" can mean several things. It could mean "two people who own a lumbermill together, or a cupcakery." Now, with the advent of more progressive cultural mores, not to mention certain High Court rulings, it could also mean...
Sir: I do all the work. He irons my clothes.
Charles: I also cook your omelets.
Lemony Snicket: The definitions are not mutually exclusive.

Sir: I'm an important man. Don't make me repeat myself.

Klaus: We're orphans.
Phil: Lucky you! The unsupervised life. No rules, no curfews.

Phil: I know things seem dark. But you have to look on the bright side... So your parents burned down towns. You don't have to be like your parents. My parents were Olympic athletes and look at me. I work in a lumbermill!

Lemony Snicket: ...the Baudelaires could tell that their new coworker was an optimist... a word meaning "person who thinks hopeful thoughts about even the bleakest situation." For example, if an optimist were to have his right arm bitten off by an alligator, he might say, "Oh, boy, half-price manicures for life." Whereas the rest of us would say, "Ah, my arm!" "Optimist" is not to be confused with "optometrist," a word meaning "healthcare professional who performs eye exams." Though both can be dangerous.

---

Count Olaf: You've changed your hair.

Lemony Snicket: Morning is an important time of day, because how you begin your morning can often tell you what kind of day you're going to have. If you wake up in a mansion to a butler serving you blueberry pancakes and fresh-squeezed orange juice... your day will probably be wonderful. If you wake up in a lumbermill to the sound of metal pots banging together...

Flacutono: Hurry up. It's log day.

Count Olaf: Oh, Georgina, I missed this. You, me, an evil scheme, a little death...
Dr. Orwell: La petite mort.
Count Olaf: You know I love it when you speak Spanish.

Klaus: In the book The Great Gatsby, there's a famous sign shaped like a pair of eyeglasses.
Phil: Does it represent an optometrist?
Klaus: It represents the eyes of God staring down and judging society as a moral wasteland.
Phil: Oh, that sounds like a fun book.

Phil: See? Perfectly friendly.
Dr. Orwell: Well, you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
Klaus: Actually, you catch the most flies with manure.
Dr. Orwell: Aren't you smart? It's just an expression. A fancy way of saying you're more likely to get what you want by acting in a sweet way, than in a distasteful way, like vinegar.

Phil: Inordinate? What... what the heck does that mean?
Klaus: It can mean many things. Immoderate, irregular. But in this case, I think it means you missed me a lot.

Flacutono: Baude-liars!

Lemony Snicket: I beg you, turn this program off now. Imagine this story has a happy ending. You can pretend the woman at the door is the Duchess of Winnipeg, and she's come to throw the Baudelaires a pony party at her chateau. Or you can pretend that she's a butler with a tray of blueberry pancakes, or a loving parent that you thought you'd never see again... But if you choose to watch on, let me warn you, the misery does not end here.

Lemony Snicket: ...if you choose to look this misery in the eye, you should be asking one question. It's the same question that the Baudelaires should've asked, my beloved Beatrice should've asked on the day that she died. And that question is... where is Count Olaf?

--
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