The Carnivorous Carnival: Part One

A Series of Unfortunate Events 2×9

Dr. Montgomery: In the words of a very wise and talkative Tibetan Monk-Snake, "Life is a conundrum of esoterica."

Aunt Josephine: I feel fierce and formidable. Let's build a house on the edge of a cliff, and let's... let's use commas and semicolons with reckless abandon.

Lemony Snicket: I feel an uneasy sense of creeping dread.

Count Olaf: Alone! Desperate. Defeated. These are words I thought I'd never use except when talking about other people.

Count Olaf: Did one of the Baudelaire parents survive the fire?
Madame Lulu: ...... You will have your answer in morning.
Count Olaf: Argh!
Esmé Squalor: The morning?
Madame Lulu: Is how crystal ball works. Day shift, night shift, like a cannery.

Lemony Snicket: Besides getting several paper cuts in the same day or receiving news your worst enemy has been awarded free ice cream, one of the most unpleasant experiences in life is a job interview.

Lemony Snicket: From the moment you introduce yourself... you're participating in a ritual you are likely to find humiliating and sinister...

Lemony Snicket: You may be asked to perform some meaningless task you're in no position to refuse...

Lemony Snicket: You are likely to be watched carefully, while you're performing this task, and you're likely to pretend to be far more enthusiastic than you actually are...

Lemony Snicket: And you are likely to be evaluated, which here means tested over and over again for no reason other than your own embarrassment.

Lemony Snicket: But the worst thing about a job interview is that it is likely to fill you with despair, whether you are dismissed immediately and find yourself wandering unemployed across a desolate landscape, weeping and moaning, or whether you are hired, and find yourself wandering across that same desolate landscape, weeping and moaning in exchange for a salary.

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Count Olaf: They're lucky to have work. Without this carnival, they'd be working in human resources with the rest of the freaks.

Esmé Squalor: If she's so good at fortune-telling, why does she live out here in the Hinterlands instead of having her own television show in the city?

Lemony Snicket: Miracles are like meatballs. Nobody can agree what they're made of, where they come from, or how often they should appear...

Lemony Snicket: A person might say a sunrise is a miracle, even though it happens every day and far too early in the morning...

Lemony Snicket: Somebody else might say that leaping successfully from a train is a miracle, even though that happens every day and far too early in the morning...

Lemony Snicket: There is another similarity shared by a miracle and a meatball: They both might appear to be one thing and turn out to be another.

Count Olaf: If you want a mule to move, you can reward it with a carrot or you can hit it with a stick.

Count Olaf: Maybe I can beat two mules with one stick...

Klaus: There has to be something here that isn't just... just smoke and mirrors!

Lemony Snicket: As I said, the Baudelaires' lives were about to be changed by a surprising arrival. The surprising arrival was a pack of starving lions. And this story is about to get much, much worse...

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+ Quotes on the IMDb