End of the World

Preacher 4×10

Cassidy: Why all the bells and bagpipes? Why not just blow it up and end the world yourself?
God: That's cheating. You all have to play your part. "Free will". THAT'S THE FUN.
Cassidy: And he likes to watch...

Tulip: Um... May I? Sometimes with the Sig Sauer when the firing pin gets hot...
Lara Featherstone: It jams, I know.

Tulip: True what you say about selfishness in the world. Sometimes doing what's right for you and just you... no cause, no religion, no man... it ain't selfish at all. Sometimes it's just righteous.

Hitler: Hippie wimp!
Jesus: Fascist pig!

Archangel: Our baby, our baby. Do... Do the right thing.
Jesse: What is that?
Archangel: Genesis...

Tulip: I get that that sucks a little bit for you. I get it. But you want to blow up the whole world 'cause of it? Wise up, quit acting like a baby, and move. Move!

Herr Klaus Starr: And you believe what, exactly?
Lara Featherstone: Duty. Service. Righteousness. Toiling in a harsh and hateful life to be rewarded in Paradise.
Herr Klaus Starr: Life is not a thing to pass through. Life is the thing itself.

Herr Klaus Starr: We're going to live under the sea. You and I. Eating, yoga, talking about books we like. Pleasuring you repeatedly with my anus... I don't think you'll get that kind of offer from Paradise.

Hitler: Jew! Jew!
Jesus: You're god... damn... right.

God: Y-You know I don't need you, right? The "Messiah" thing, i-it's just... it's... it's showbiz. I could blow the whole thing up myself at any time f-for any reason.
Jesus: Or. You could be merciful.
God: M-Mer...
Jesus: Patient, tolerant and loving.
God: Loving?!
Jesus: Yeah. "And these three things remain: faith, hope, and love. The greatest of these..."

Jesse: The world is not coming to an end. Not today anyway. We're not getting away with it that easy. So for all of you watching this unhappy horseshit talent show? TURN YOUR TVs OFF.

Jesse: I've been searching for Him a long time now. So long I can't remember not. What do I have to show for it? What good has it done me? Other than make me see the worst in myself... miss the best in others that I care about. So I'm gonna stop looking.

Jesse: I'm not done with God. Make no mistake. No matter where He runs, no matter how long it takes, I want Him found! So... GO FIND Him.

---

Cassidy: Christ. The three of us saved the world. In, like... Like, in an actual sense.
Jesse: Not many people can say that, huh?
Cassidy: Churchill. Lincoln. Who else? Frodo Baggins.

Jesus: Cassidy called... He's at a peyote conference in Oaxaca.

Jesse: I have so many questions.
God: Haha. Ask.

Jesse: Kids with cancer?
God: Ah, well, suffering is a great teacher. It gives a person strength.
Jesse: Or it kills you.
God: And teaches strength to those left behind.
Jesse: Alright.

Jesse: All the other religions? They're... They're wrong?
God: Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. There's a lot that, uh,... that is right, that I, uh, admire about the other faiths.
Jesse: But they're going to Hell?
God: No. No, no, no, no. Not, uh... Not necessarily.

Jesse: What about life on other planets?
God: No.
Jesse: What?!
God: Organic gases, water deposits, sure.
Jesse: Come on. I mean, all the planets? Even the ones we don't know about?
God: What, you want aliens with, uh, bug eyes and laser guns coming to get you? Sorry.

God: Well, what else? Uh... Stonehenge? The Holocaust? What are the key components of consciousness?

God: I love you, Jesse Custer. Do you believe me?.. Good. Now it's your turn... To say it back... Say you love me.

Jesse: Your Great Design is being loved. Right? That's it. That... That's the why.

Jesse: I get it, I get it. I get it. I understand.
God: Good.
Jesse: I understand that we would all be better off without a needy little bitch like you around.

Jesse: I'm warning you... stay out of Heaven and leave us alone.

Jesse: I get it. Uh, we got flaws. Thousands of 'em. Millions. Of course. But on the most part, I think humanity's a goddamn miracle. And for that, in my opinion, you should be proud. But if you've got something better cooking up in there? By all means, go for it. Meantime, I'm gonna go see a movie.

God: I know. What was taken... shall now be returned. Stand aside, and let me give you an eternity of love.
The Saint of Killers: What if... I choose hate?

Cassidy: Over a hundred and fifty years, and I've been stabbed, bloody chopped up, blown up, dropped out of airplanes. And you just... I just kept goin' because that's what you do. You just got to pick yourself up, you know, just forget the pain, try and carry on.

Jaysis: Mr. Cassidy? Will we ever see you again?
Cassidy: Jaysis, I hope so.

--
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The End

Overture

Preacher 4×9

Cassidy: Do you think we should tell him?... No. Okay. He'll understand. After everything he's been through, you know? Mum's the word— Here he is. Captain Morgan.
Tulip: Okay, so, we slept together! Not his fault, not mine. You were gone, so we can't feel bad about it. So you can lose your shit if you want and Word us into toads. But just do it now and get it over with.
Jesse: ... Thanks for telling me.

Jesse: Anything else?
Cassidy: Well... we're gonna go and get Humperdoo, destroy the Grail, and maybe save the world from a fiery apocalypse.

Cassidy: So, we good?
Jesse: One good thing about going to Hell and back, Cass... You get perspective.

Herr Starr: For those of you watching at home, here's how it goes. First: a few opening acts... singers, jugglers, ethnic musicians, a female comedian, and then, when the clock hits zero... the Messiah will dance!

Herr Starr: Clamor, chaos, fire from above, et cetera and et cetera. The righteous will be spared, of course. But the sinners... That's right, the sinners... The feminists... degenerates... and desperados! Today's the day they! Get! Theirs!

God: I see everything. Understand? I know everything. But Abel. He just wouldn't believe me, poor schmuck. He'd keep saying to me, "No, no, Cain's not just my big brother, he's my best friend." Are you kidding me?!

Tulip: I read the letter, you know?
Jesse: And?
Tulip: What's "perpetuity" mean?
Jesse: It means forever.
Tulip: Hm. Well, I knew that. I was just checking if you knew.

---

God: Picture a mountain. A mile wide and soaring high, made entirely of pure flaked Peruvian heroin. Picture the girl. Tulip. All to yourself. Picture Ireland. Ah, that's right. Your deepest desires...

Herr Starr: You're a handsome woman. And I am a very handsome man...

Cassidy: You're just mental. You make dogs die when they eat chocolate. You know, Don Jr.? Testicles? That's terrible design.

Cassidy: Honestly, I-I-I had hoped that the secret to the universe was something a bit more complex than just "God's a frizzy-haired, homicidal lunatic."

Cassidy: Well, they've done good stuff, too. Alright?
God: Yeah, like what?
Cassidy: Like... Italian food's good, isn't it? Uh, Paul Newman. Season Two of "The Love Boat." Brilliant.

Herr Starr: You're confused. The old plan was for total annihilation, the new plan is limited.
Lara Featherstone: Limited, sir?
Herr Starr: Yes. A few bombs here and there to take out the Danes, the teacher unions, the hippies... New plans were drawn up.

Lara Featherstone: But, sir, what's the point of limiting an apocalypse?
Herr Starr: The point is to kill and not get killed. Obviously.
Lara Featherstone: But I thought that was the plan. To die and ascend gloriously into Heaven.
Herr Starr: Please, you're starting to sound like one of those religious kooks.

Lara Featherstone: Herr Starr. I have to know. Wh-Why join The Grail in the first place? What... What was all this for?
Herr Starr: Violence... power... dirty sex. Why else?

Jesus: So embarrassing.
Hitler: Ach. Do you think I was "embarrassed" after Stalingrad? Nein, I just kept going, never quit.

Tulip: Hold on. No, hold on. Just sit here and not hit you for one minute? Hmm. What's the catch?

--
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Fear of the Lord

Preacher 4×8

Fiore: Let me let you in on something, Preacher... The filmstrip part of things is over.

Cassidy: It's a bit wrathful-lookin', isn't it? Old Testament-like.

Herr Starr: It's over... no Messiah, no dance, no apocalypse.

Herr Starr: Him... We wouldn't be in this mess if he hadn't been caught whoring around.
Jesus: One time, okay? And it was 2,000 years ago! And she wasn't a whore.

The Saint of Killers: What do you think now?
Jesse: About what?
The Saint of Killers: God. You still got questions for Him?

---

Cassidy: Alright...
Tulip: Yeah?
Cassidy: Oh, yeah!
Tulip: Yeah?
Cassidy: Mmm! It's good stuff. What's in here? What is that? Ugh. Are they blueberries?
Tulip: Yeah. Good, right?
Cassidy: On a burger? It's very surprising. Hump here sure loves it. Look at that!

Jesse: You made us this way.
God: I made you in My own image. A little thanks would be nice.
Jesse: Thank You? For what? Kids with cancer? The Kardashians?

God: This Creation's been... well, it's been a nice run. See you at the Apocalypse.

Tulip: Feels like the end almost, huh?
Cassidy: I guess we all gotta die sometime, eh?

--
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Messiahs

Preacher 4×7

Jesse: Am I dead?
Fiore: Yeah.
Jesse: This is Heaven?
Fiore: Well, it ain't the South of France.
Jesse: Who is that?
Fiore: I don't know. Some girl fishing.

Fiore: Don't get me wrong. Jesus has been doing his best, but he's not... Hitler. Doesn't really have that killer instinct.

Fiore: Heaven is empty. God is gone. We want you... to take His place.

Cassidy: Well. I came to eat your chickens.

Cassidy: I've always... I've always wondered about that. And... and... the... the big one... it's furry. It looks like a... like a thick-crusted beaver pizza.
Dany: It's called a "shtremiel." Worn over the kippah. Connotes an extra level of devotion. Yes? Good?
Cassidy: Excellent. Thank you. Got it.

---

Fiore: You don't want to go against God's law? I respect that. But what if by refusing the throne, you're going against His will? I mean, He did send you here, huh?

Fiore: You done some bad things... but you done good things, too. In the end, who gets into Heaven, who goes to Hell? It's complicated.

Jesus: You shall not muzzle an ox when it treads out the grain.
Hitler: What does that even mean?!

Jesse: Just because I've got issues with God doesn't mean I'm going to listen to some bird-faced dope fiend about replacing Him.

Jesse: The dog suit's a bit weird...

Fiore: First, he made dinosaurs. Then he created man. And now...
Jesse: His Great Design.
Fiore: Creation Part Three.

--
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The Lost Apostle

Preacher 4×6

Abraham: Son... there are times in a man's life when he's gotta do things he don't wanna do. This is one'a them...
Sarrah: Ya don't gotta do this, Abe!

Isaac: Are you sad, Papa?
Abraham: I'll be alright.
Isaac: Are we going to suffer?
Abraham: More than you know.....
God: Stay your hand, Abraham!
Abraham: God?

Abraham: I was gonna do it. I was gonna do it! I was gonna kill my only son for you!
God: Indeed, you were, my child... It was a test. You passed.

Hitler: Where are you getting these inflated figures from here, Jesus?
Jesus: Simple addition. Baptisms and absolutions.
Hitler: But your father gave them free will, ja?

---

Jesse: DROP YOUR WEAPONS AND GET ON YOUR KNEES... Just checkin'.

Jesse: Where we going?
The Saint of Killers: ... To kill God.

Hitler: Deathbed conversions? You cannot be serious.

Herr Starr: Souls are coming. In numbers. In bulk. So, you need to decide which souls are going to Heaven and which to Hell. Chop-chop, then. Back to work.

The Saint of Killers: .44 Walker. It's the most powerful handgun ever made. And mine can shoot through planets. I can kill Him.

Jesse: All this shit? Sufferin' and commotion? Don't you wanna know what the hell? Why? I do. I need to know what it means.

Tulip: I didn't read the letter, okay? I mean, what'd be the point? It either says, "You're a dumb bitch," or, "You're a dumb bitch and I forgive you," and... either one is bullshit, so screw him.

Jesse: Lotta walkin'. I guess it's your thing... Cowboy without a horse and all that. Makes me miss the "I run while you try and kill me" days.

Cassidy: When we find God, yer making him explain "The Big Lebowski," alright? No, no, I mean it. After all this and I don't get an explanation for that, I'm gonna punch something.

--
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Bleak City

Preacher 4×5

Archangel: Effendi. Need a shit, shower, shave. Oh, a-and a phone. Gotta call a, uh, certain lady.

Cassidy: Jesus Christ, huh?
Tulip: I know, right?
Cassidy: Guy's a bloody handsome devil.

Herr Starr: Where the hell is Hitler?!

Tulip: Don't you got stuff to do, like walkin' on water, turnin' it into wine? I don't know.
Jesus: Oh, most of that's pretty much just metaphor.
Tulip: Oh.

Jesus: No. I was born a man without obligations. Walking the Earth, being with people, I think that's all the stuff I need to do.
Tulip: I like that. 'Cause we're gonna walk some serious Earth.

Archangel: What about you and your gal? Hot number.
Cassidy: No, no, she's not my gal.
Archangel: But of course she is. Don't blame you, either. Big baby eyes. Sweet caramel skin. Oh. Naughty little uppercut.
Cassidy: She's my best mate's girl! It's not gonna happen.
Archangel: No. No, it's not... Not with that attitude.

---

Archangel: Listen to me, friend. Every now and then, you have to roll the dice. Love isn't easy, forbidden love, especially. Breaks and beats ya. Rips you to shreds. But then, right when you think your heart can't take another second, it gives you life. Dazzling and new. A love worth fighting for. A love so...

Jesse: Seen Tulip do this 1,000 times. Is it blue or red?

Tulip: Hey! Just 'cause you're goin' back to do the responsible thing or whatever doesn't mean I have to.
Jesus: That's right. That's right. You can do whatever you want, just like you said. That's true for all of us, isn't it? It's what makes it so hard.

Tulip: You ever been to Australia?
Cassidy: No, but I hear it's right deadly.
Tulip: Yeah. Sharks, right?
Cassidy: Mm-hmm. And spiders and snakes and bloody crocodiles, bats as big as eagles. Koalas have chlamydia out there. Do you know that? It's like a bloody slaughterhouse.
Tulip: Seriously? Cool.

--
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Search and Rescue

Preacher 4×4

God: We're going to carve a vagina... into Jesse Custer's soul.

Frankie Toscani: Now, that is true evil. Not some make-believe Chianti-cannibal movie shrink who's supposed to be scary 'cause he can "get into your mind." Nah, old Adolf, when he wanted to get in your mind, he just cracked your skull open and took it. Am I right?

Cassidy: Frank! Settle down. The lambs are about to stop screamin'.

Jesse: Compared to a West Texas thunderstorm, this ain't nothin'! We just gotta stay positive.

Tulip: Jesus.

Cassidy: It's my mate's girlfriend!
Archangel: Forbidden love? The best!

---

Steve: Would you look at that sun? 93 million miles away, and you can still feel it.

Jesse: Let me think—
Steve: You know what? That's a good idea. Now, thinking is like the answer to everything.
Jesse: Could you be quiet?
Steve: Good idea!

Jesus Christ: I'm here to bless the prisoners.
Lara: Prisoners?
Jesus Christ: This is the dungeon, yes? You must have prisoners.
Lara: This is a dungeon, my lord. Masada has many. In fact, there's one in the North Wing. Mormons and pederasts. They'll be thrilled.

Archangel: You could have just untied me...

Steve: I think I'm ready for this test to be over.

--
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Deviant

Preacher 4×3

Tulip: I said don't touch me!

Cassidy: I mean, I'm not gonna do anything. All right? Just let him take me.
Archangel: Oh. That's boring. I like our other plan better.

The Saint of Killers: Someone comes along, kills your family, ruins your life, sends you to Hell? In my book, an apology don't beat a bullet to the brain.

Tulip: You ever see that movie... where the girl's head spun around and she puked on everyone?
Doctor: "The Exorcist"?

Jesse: Got to get you outta this place.
Kid: Nah, I'm good.
Jesse: No, you're not "good." You're just a kid.
Kid: A kid making 35 bucks an hour in a third-world country. Trust me, bro, you're the one with the problem.

Herr Starr: Despite my long and colorful history of mutilations, I remain attractive. Beautiful, even. Don't you agree?
Hoover Two: No. I do not.
Herr Starr: I see. Not that beauty is all that important in the overall scheme of things...
Hoover Two: No. I have no doubt efficiency, honor, and moral clarity are of greater value... But beauty is beauty.
Herr Starr: And ugly isn't.

---

Tulip: Blood from an exit wound, 44 caliber... I would say... blood again, but from stabbin'... My second foster father's brain pieces after being hit with a softball bat... Hmm, not brains or blood. Maybe like... guts... sprayed like silly string across a refrigerator. Oh. And a little brains and blood.

Tulip: I failed, didn't I?
Doctor: There's no such thing as failing.
Tulip: Bullshit. How'd I do?
Doctor: The test results, uh, indicate that... you're an "uninhibited deviant with a personality disorder prone to psychopathic outbursts and a gun fetish." And unresolved abandonment issues.

Hitler: Satan is dead. I am in charge now. Pretty cool, ja?
Jesse: Yeah. Your parents must be real proud of you.

Eugene: I don't like all these killings.
The Saint of Killers: Tell it to God. It's His plan.

--
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Last Supper

Preacher 4×2

God: You were tested... and you... have... FAILED!

Jesse: I'm gonna talk to God and save the world.
Truck Driver: It's a bit late for that, don't you think?

Truck Driver: You go on, Father, you save the world for us!

Cassidy: Well... You know us Irish. Never miss an opportunity to miss an opportunity.

Tulip: He ain't my husband... and he ain't comin' back.

Deputy Prime Minister: Ooh! Someone, please, erase my search history!...

Cassidy: "Doctor Zhang"? Well enough. What am I doctor of, anyway?.. "Chemical Pharmacology," cool. That's drugs, right?... Yeah, it is. "Urban bli..." "Urban blight". City wrecking, family breaking, soul-stealin' drugs.....

Tulip: I'm going in that door. And I'm gettin' Cass out, and that's that. I don't "wait and see" shit for anybody.

Pilot: Need a light, Preacher?

Frankie Toscani: Just always remember when it comes to torture... mistakes are a part of it.

--
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Masada

Preacher 4×1

Jesse: I love you.
Tulip: Till the end of the world?
Jesse: Till the end of the world.

Cassidy: I tell you what... get me a latte, I'll tell me friends to take it easy on you when they get here.

Frankie Toscani: You wanna torture someone? First things first... you gotta earn their respect. And let me tell you somethin'... There's few things more respectable than the Enfield.

Jesse: You sure about this?
Tulip: Bunch of fascist assholes? Singing their fascist songs. Hell yeah, I'm sure.

Frankie Toscani: Bullets is basic. You want to produce a deeper kinda hurt, you gotta go old-school. When it comes to the application of pain, you gotta go Bensonhurst.

Cassidy: Listen to me. I've been gettin' tortured since before yer Ma had a bloody mustache. You know what I mean? There's nothing you could do to me that hasn't been done a hundred times already, honestly.
Frankie Toscani: Nothing?... ♪ Baruch ata Adonai Eloheinu..... ♪

God: Ahh, one of my greatest creations...

God: You didn't want him dead to rights, Herr Starr. You wanted to make him suffer. Yes? So... let's make him... suffer.

--
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The Light Above

Preacher 3×10

Jesse: Actually... I-I was thinkin' I might just go somewhere... far.

Madame L'Angelle: Oh. You still think like a Custer. That if you do just enough right and not too much wrong that there's still hope for you... It's because you're afraid of hell. Oh, and you know what? I don't blame you.

Jesse: You shoulda killed her.
Jesse: Yeah, well, now's your chance.

T.C.: I-I-I-I believe there has to be a-a-a constructive, nonviolent solution...

Jesse: SHOOT YOURSELF.

Sidney: If you're the S.S., why are you wearing a Luftwaffe medal?

Tulip: Yo, Nazi. Let's go.

Hitler: No! No, Eugene! What would Jesus do?

Eccarius: Cassidy, you've never been to Asia!
Cassidy: Well, maybe there's an Asia when you die, you know?
Eccarius: Maybe there's not. Maybe there's no sex, no food, no music? Maybe there's nothing? You'd choose that over what I can offer you?
Cassidy: Over lyin', cannibalism, and murder? Yeah. Sure.

Tulip: You're a dick.
God: You're welcome.

Eccarius: Dinner time...

---

Cassidy: Hey, listen. Have you ever...
Eccarius: Mrs. Rosen, would you have any objection at all to a ménage à trois?
Mrs. Rosen: On the contrary. I'd be honored.

Eccarius: What have you done?!

Eccarius: Now what? Go back to your loveless and lonely existence?
Cassidy: Well, yeah, probably. But first: Dinner time.

Cassidy: Well, you can stop calling yourselves Night Wraiths, that's for one. You're just bloody vampires now, all right?

Cassidy: You know I eat horse tranquilizers for breakfast, don't you?
Hoover: I told them. That's whale.

Satan: What would this unfortunate preacher's name happen to be?
The Saint of Killers: Jesse Custer.
Satan: I love the synergy!

Angel of Death: Plum cake, sir?
Hitler: Ja... Extra flaky crust.

Tulip: You okay?
Jesse: Family's overrated.

Starr: We're going to need a new, uh, Hoover.

Lara Featherstone: Love it. The great chess match for world domination continues.
Herr K. Starr: I'm tired of chess matches, Flufferman. It's time to play some fucking checkers...

--
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Schwanzkopf

Preacher 3×9

Allfather: Any last words, Mr. Custer?

Jesse: ...let me die on my knees before God. ... Let me die a Christian.

Sidney: I have other names. Abaddon. Azrael. The Angel of Death...
Tulip: What about... Satan's bitch?

The Angel of Death: I'll be seeing you...

Cassidy: "I kill people to set them free." That's mental. You sound like yer in a Kevin Spacey movie.

Eccarius: Please, Cassidy. We're this close to happiness.
Cassidy: I'd rather be sad.

Eccarius: No. It's going to be worse than that.

Jesse: Your head looks like a dick... Suits you.

Jesse: That is the worst apocalypse plan I have ever heard.

Herr Starr: Allfather was a lunatic. You can't kill everyone. Just the undesirables... Hipsters. Presbyterians. Trade unionists. The Danes.

Herr Starr: The Grail needs a Messiah. It's our entire business model!

The Saint of Killers: What about the rules?
Sidney: Don't be a Pollyanna... It's the Wild West, cowboy. God's gone. There are no rules. Not that the old ones did your wife and kid any good.

Herr Starr: Custer, you maniac!

Tulip: He's right. I... I'm sorry. I-I shouldn't have called you an errand boy... I shoulda called you an errand bitch.

Hitler: Auf Wiedersehen, suckers!

--
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The Tom/Brady

Preacher 3×8

Herr Starr: No matter what happens from here on out, I'm with you, Messiah...

Jesse: Well, where is it?
Allfather: It's in a safe place. Ohhhh....
Jesse: Where is it?
Starr: It's up his ass.
Jesse: That's his "safe place"?

Satan: Hey, beautiful.
Madame L'Angelle: Your hideousness...

Satan: What about you, Marie? When are you coming down to join us in Hell?

Lara: Seriously?
Tulip: My character chews gum. Yours has an ugly nose. So yeah, let's seriously rob this bitch.

Allfather: Jesse Custer. You are certainly a preacher. You're also a fool.

Allfather: Comfortable? I certainly hope not.

Allfather: Behold, Mr. Custer. Religion's secret weapon: science.

Tulip: You know there are easier ways to do this, right?
Lara: I'm sure there are. I just wanted to make you grab that guy's ass.

Jesse: I took science in high school. I don't remember so many flyin' intestines.

Dr Slotnick: Genesis would require that a successful host... Such as you... Be composed of the same specific proportions of goodness and badness. But how does one re-create those proportions? The answer is a DNA cocktail. This represents a genetic combination of two persons... In this case, Serena Williams and Louis XVI. The idea being that when their DNA are mixed, it will replicate the same formula of good and bad that exists in you.

---

Jesse: Why the hell not?
Starr: I have socio-political qualms, of course. But also serious objections to violence in the workplace...

Hoover: What'd he say?
Cassidy: He says... "Kill him."
Hoover: Must be some sort of autocorrect thingy. Uh, t-text him again.
Cassidy: ...... It wasn't autocorrect.

Security Guard: Who are you?
Jody: Human Resources. Time to check your browser history...

Cassidy: Will you forsake the sunlit world and surrender to our dark and scarlet urging?
Hoover: Like... no sun at all? No sunset strolls? No beaches?
Cassidy: Well. Umbrellas, but that's all the time, everywhere you go. I mean, you'll be having bloody dreams about umbrellas. You can trust me on that.

Hoover: I don't want to die. My mom'd be upset.

Eccarius: Were you, um, trying to fly?

Dr Slotnick: This is it. Founding Father Thomas Jefferson, combined with television icon Wayne Brady. I call it... "The Tom/Brady"!

Starr: I can't believe it. Allfather's about to weaponize idiocy.
Jesse: What did you expect was gonna happen?
Starr: A woman scientist? I didn't believe it was possible.

Allfather: Good. Now... bring in the Messiah.

--
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Les Enfants du Sang

Preacher 3×6

Eugene: If it hadn't been for Hell, I'd be dead now too.

Eugene: At least you survived, right? That's good. Maybe you write a book about it?
Dude, you in an orphanage. You ugly, you crazy, and I think you might be stupid, too. This is the end of the line. Your story ends here.

Eugene: Take all the stops you need. Let's see where this story takes us!
The Saint of Killers: It takes us to Hell.

Cassidy: So, you lot... you all wanna be vampires, huh?... You all want to be hated, spat on, chased down by arseholes, have everyone you ever loved or cared about... They get old, they just die, and leave you on your own, you know? You get so bloody bored, you drink engine coolant just to feel something new, all right? Is that what you want, you bunch of bloody posers, is it?

Cassidy: I'm leaving. It's a "no," friend.

Jesse: Third time you've died, Tulip. I'm all out of tears.

Tulip: All right, bitches, clock's ticking. Let's go steal some shit.

Starr: How hard can it be to find an Irish demon carted off by a hooting pack of cape-wearing nobodies?
Hoover: Well, it is New Orleans, sir.

---

Starr: The Allfather is watching us. He has eyes and ears everywhere.
Hoover: He seems more fat than scary.
Starr: Don't be fooled. The Allfather is a cold killer. He makes me look like a conscientious objector.

Tulip: Three guards, Glocks. Vault guy's got an 870 shotgun. Dozen CCTVs... Six fixed, six sweeping. Manager keys his safe door, then hits a 14-bit keypad.
Jesse: In other words?
Tulip: ... Piece of cake.

Lara: Love the new hat, sir. Very Cabaret.

Allfather: Thrice blessed, O Starr.

Cassidy: There's other ways of getting high, you know.

Tulip: I killed Gran'ma. I mean, I really, actually did kill her. I mean, she was dead... and then, she got better. Unfortunately.

Allfather: Only fire can separate the True Believer from the False. Only fire can pave the way for our Lord.
Starr: Jesus Christ.
Allfather: Exactly.

--
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Hilter

Preacher 3×7

David Hilter: I have been to Hell und back... If you're asking me what I think is the answer to all that bothers you... From inconvenient employee parking to low wages to how fat you people are...? The answer to me is simply put... Is the Jews.
Nina: My boss is a Jew.
David Hilter: Of course he is.
Nina: She.

Cassidy: You see, the thing people forget about the '60s is how iffy the drugs were, you know? And that's why I had such a rough go at Woodstock.

Cassidy: The point is, what I'm tryin' to tell you is, it's no use gettin' soppy about how good things used to be. Most times, today is better, all right?

Cassidy: Turning people, it's not my thing. ... You guys, you do what you need to do to get yer rocks off. They're consentin' adults, it's a free country. Kind of. In my experience? Nothing ever good came from making more of us. That's all.

Miss Marie: I want souls.

Cassidy: Yeh know every speck of dust in yer house is like a microhistory of yer life? There's 63,000 different kinds of fungi. You know? There's 16,000 different species of bacteria, and there are...

---

Tulip: This is so dumb, Jesse. Pairin' up with the world's biggest backstabbin' double crossers.

Jesse: You're the toughest... most survivingest woman I ever met.
Tulip: Survivingest?

Tulip: You ever been to Japan?

Jesse: Gran'Ma, this is a good thing. Gonna finally get what you want. What you've always wanted.
Miss Marie: I hope so... Otherwise, I'll tear you in half, suck out yer soul and send you to Hell the way I did your mama!

Jesse: I'll come back... I promise.

Cassidy: I've built up quite the tolerance to tranquilizers over the years. How's yours?

Cassidy: No! A mouse?!

Allfather: Thrice blessed, O Custer.

--
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The Coffin

Preacher 3×5

T.C.: What do you think?
Jody: I think someone got an ass-kickin' comin'.

Tulip: I don't know what all the whats and whys or, you know, what the rules are around here.
Jesse: Whats and whys?

Tulip: ...But she's a bad bitch, and we got stuff to do out there in the world. Cassidy got out, and now it's our turn... God's not gonna kick his own ass.

Tulip: My question is... if it breaks the spell and gets us the hell out of here... why don't we just kill her?

Jesse: You up for a fist fight?

Messenger: Sir, call for you from Masada.
Herr Starr: Masada?
Messenger: It's the Allfather.

Herr Starr: His training may take longer than we anticipated.
Allfather: How much longer?
Herr Starr: Oh, not much. A year. Maybe five.

Lara: I like the hat, sir. Very Don Draper.

Tulip: Why hasn't Jesse just killed you already?

Jesse: That's why I'm one of the good guys... 'cause there's way too many of the bad.

---

Tulip: I'm telling you, a Kimber Compact II is what you want. Twenty-two pound recoil. I mean, only seven in your mag, but then, a double tap still drops three-and-a-half bogeys.
Jody: I'm a Smith & Wesson man myself.
Tulip: Please. Smith & Wesson's for cops and pussies.


Jody: I'd be worried... if I were you...
Tulip: Worryin's for pussies, too.

Jesse: What the hell you want me to do about it? I'm trapped in a coffin at the bottom of a swamp.
Pilgrim: Think about it, son. Ya can sit around here like a ninny, waitin' till these trains stop a-comin', or ya can get off yer backside and blow up the tracks.

Tulip: A seven-letter "observant person"... is a "witness."

Lara: Vlad has been impaled.

Cassidy: Schlampity... It's upside down.

Cassidy: "Jeopardy." Jeopardy? What's a jeopardy? I don't... I don't think that's even a word, mate.

Tulip: All the free will in the world, and I still find a way to screw it up... Just like God said.

--
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The Tombs

Preacher 3×4

Satan: Well, I'll be double-dipped in dog shit... If it's not the biggest, baddest son of a bitch in all of Hell here in my office.

Satan: Relax. Have a sandwich. Drink a glass of milk.

Satan: Did you know God is gone?... And, as you can imagine, I've got plans, big plans...

Satan: I'm gonna need you to make amends...

T.C.: What kind of blood? I got... I got gator blood, pig blood, squirrel...
Jesse: I don't give a shit. He's a vampire. Just feed him.

Sabina: Jesse L'Angelle is the worst person I have ever loved.

Sabina: You haven't heard the rest of my story.
Tulip: Yeah, well, I got a story for you. I drive, you shut your mouth. The end. What do you think?

Jody: If he's not your friend, what is he?
Jesse: Cheatin', drug-addicted, piece of shit Irish vampire whose only good quality is that he hurts.

---

Jesse: I'm not sure if your limbs grow new or connect back together or what, but I figured better to be safe than sorry.

Cassidy: So this is how you finally get rid of me, is it? Huh? By bloody mail?

Jesse: Welcome... you motherless goat-humpers.

Jesse: God has left Heaven. I don't know where He's gone... Not yet, anyway... But I heard from a friend of mine a theory on the why... He is testing us. I have no idea what this test might be, but if the subject is... "Can Human Beings Be Anything Other Than a Bunch of Greedy, Violent Assholes?!" then we're in big trouble.

Jesse: Get it? Got it?

Cassidy: Skin suit. Still the best way to break a mate free.

Cassidy: It's not all his fault, you know. He's just a product of his environment... Guess we all are in a way.

Tulip: What matters is I don't need protectin'. What I need is a goddamn boyfriend who levels with me.

Jesse: So we're good again?
Tulip: Only one way to find out...

Madame Boyd: You want to get rid of a spell like this, all you got to do is get rid of the person who cast it.

--
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Gonna Hurt

Preacher 3×3

Janitor: I just sweep the floors, lady!

Tulip: Don't you know?
God: I am all-knowing.
Tulip: Well, then you know I screwed up.
God: That was by design.

Tulip: You wanted me to screw up?
God: I was counting on it.

God: It's your nature, Tulip O'Hare. You see, I give all my children free will. And some do the right thing over and over. But others... alas, how did your father put it? The...
Tulip: Curse of the O'Hares.

God: Free will is a blessing and a curse. Do not despair, my child.
Tulip: Just know... I am a loving God.

God: I'm preparing a test for the future of creation.
Tulip: Oh, yeah? What kinda test?
God: A pass/fail.

God: I am God almighty.
Tulip: You're an almighty dickwad is what you are.
God: I AM THE ALPHA AND THE OMEGA. I AM A LOVING GOD, Tulip O'Hare. BUT DO... NOT... PUSH IT!

Tulip: Yeah, you better run! You better hide! But, one way or another, I will find you. And I'm gonna kick... your... a...

T.C.: No, no. Not the... not the tattoos. Your scars.
Cassidy: I don't have any scars.
T.C.: E-exactly. What with all the cuts and the stabs and bullets. Why ain't you dead?
Cassidy: I'm very limber... You know, Pilates. You know?

Jesse: I said sit tight.
Tulip: I am. I'm sittin'... tight. Enjoy church... Pray for me!

Cassidy: I'm a bloody vampire at Voodoo Disneyland. I should be their main attraction, man.
Jesse: Magic is one thing. Monsters is somethin' else.
Cassidy: Oh, monsters, is it?... Monsters. So, you're calling me a monster.

Jesse: If you're gonna stay, it's gonna hurt!

---

Tulip: About your dingle. Um... I changed my mind.

T.C.: It's... it's a bit... drafty in here, so take that into account.
Tulip: Well... Draft or no draft, you've got a perfectly fine little dingle.
T.C.: You... You want to touch it?
Tulip: Nope. Let's not wake him.

Tulip: You said that the guy paid off his wife's debt.
T.C.: No, no. That... that fella... He paid a lotta money for an 89-cent cloth, but the debt... The debt is only paid when Miss Marie says it is.

Tulip: How do I break the curse?
T.C.: Get Miss Marie to let him go.
Tulip: And how do I do that?
T.C.: Do... do you know any... any magic or... or... or voodoo?
Tulip: No.
T.C.: Then you can keep squeezing, 'cause there's nothing you can do!

Tulip: There's never nothin' you can do. Every curse can be broken.

Cassidy: So, if you're a healer and you can bring people back from the dead... why are you still in a wheelchair, shittin' into a bag?

Madame Boyd: And you're Tulip O'Hare. I've wanted to meet you for a long time.
Tulip: How do you do?

Jesse: Welcome, you sick sonsofbitches. Tonight, you will see two merciless monsters fight as if their very souls were on the line. A pedophile science teacher... versus a back-stabbing, piece-of-shit vampire.

--
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Sonsabitches

Preacher 3×2

Young Jesse: Madame L'Angelle is a world-renowned spiritist, diviner, and mistress of the pyramids. She's got spells to fix everything... But she's expensive.

Young Jesse: But it'd be real bad if you missed a payment.
What's she gonna do? Pull out my fingernails?
Young Jesse: I'm guessing it's something worse...

Young Jesse: You got Madame L'Angelle's help, and now you gotta pay what you owe.

TC: A yak will give up his milk freely, but a cat... A cat will fight you right to the end, scratchin', hissin'. It's something to think about.

Jody: Fingernails? You don't pay what you owe, Miss Marie pull out your goddamn soul... Girl's gotta eat.

Herr Starr: Hare, Hare. Yeah. We have an appointment.

Cassidy: So, no, like, bright, white lights, no men playing harps, none of that?

Jesse: Till the end of the world, right?

Cassidy: Right. So what are we waitin' for? Let's go and get those dickheads right now... What?

Tulip: I'm okay. When I smash my fist into that mom-haired bitch's face, I'm gonna be really okay.

Swami: Welcome, brothers and sisters and gender-neutral relatives. Krishna welcomes all with open arms and warm embraces.

Herr Starr: Last chance, hippie. Will you take Humperdoo as your one, true leader and join us?
Swami: Eat shit, you fascist pig!
Herr Starr: Profanity? In a house of worship? No wonder God left.

Jesse: Or you could just say, "It's been great to see you, Jesse. I'm glad I could help your friend. Spell broken. Be on your merry way."
Miss Marie: Why would I ever say that?
Jesse: You never know what a person'll say... till you ask 'em right.

Jody: You Jesse's dead lady friend?
Tulip: Oh, I'm alive. And I'm not anybody's lady anything.

Jody: Nothing? No bright lights or angels singing?

---

Tulip: I like guns that take more skill than blowing away other people's beer cans.
Jody: Like this one... for instance?
Tulip: DDM4ISR. CQBSS scope, 1,000-yard range...

Tulip: Screw the can. I'm going huntin'.

Cassidy: "Put a bullet in his brain. Then he's dead. Then we go home, huh?"
Jody: That's the idea.
Cassidy: No, I'm doing "Miller's Crossing" there, with the accent and that. You know the bit where Gabriel Byrne takes John Turturro through the woods? God, it's a brilliant film. It's brilliant. It's hard to believe that the same two geniuses who made the "Miller's Crossing" film are the same two idiots that made "The Big Lebowski" film.

Lara: You could fill a book with all the things you don't know, but you'd be too stupid to read it.

Tulip: How much more in the middle of nowhere we got to get before we put a bullet in their brains?

Tulip: Jesse Custer. What the hell did you just do?

Jesse: Once I have my power back...
Tulip: Then we go kill them, right?
Jesse: We kill them all...

Cassidy: I think it sounds like another plan... But sure. Let's go and kill some people.

TC: That's a goat. It's a pygmy male, about 6 years of age, nearly deceased.
Tulip: Why the hell they shooting goats at us?
Jody: Voodoo telegram.
TC: It's the Boyd way of saying they want Jesse dead.

Herr Starr: It was a genetically modified placebo...

Herr Starr: Now that you've got that predictable spasm of juvenilia out of your system, let's talk.

Tulip: Sonsabitches...

Jesse: At least the gators will be happy.

--
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Angelville

Preacher 3×1

Jesse: You hate me now? Just you wait...

Miss Christina: This house doesn't run on "sorrys."

Jesse: I don't know what happened.
Cassidy: You played God... And you let her die rather than be like me. You're a scumbag.

Jesse: I'll pay you whatever.
TC: How much?
Jesse: How much you need?
TC: Nine billion four hundred thousand oughta put us back on our feet. Right, Miss Marie?

Miss Marie: "Anything." That's a big word.

Jody: Ahh. You can dress up like your daddy all you want, kid. But you never looked more like your mama than you do right now.

Miss Marie: Mnh-mnh. Leave it. The more it hurts, the more it helps.

Jesse: You want to know what I need you for? When you asked me the other day... So stupid I couldn't think... I need you for everything. Everything, Tulip. My entire life....

Lil' Tulip: I'm a re-enactor. I work here.

God: I'm counting on you for something very important, something to help me fulfill my Great Design. You have been chosen.
Tulip: No shit.

--
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