Every Day

Good Omens 2. Chapter 6

Nina: Will you just answer a simple question?
Aziraphale: If I hear one, of course.
Nina: What is happening? Why is everything so weird? This all started last week when the power went out, didn't it?
Aziraphale: Three questions, none of them simple. But to answer your last one, no. This all started a very long time ago. But... also, yes.

Aziraphale: I have to tell you, you can all leave now, and nobody will be hurt...
Shax: You'll be hurt.

Muriel: It's all confidential. I can't show it to you. I mean, I couldn't open it if I wanted to. I don't have clearance. You'd have to be a throne or a dominion, or above-- How did you do that?
Crowley: I haven't always been a demon, and they never change their passwords.

Nina: Why do they keep blowing up?
Aziraphale: Well, it's all a bit complicated. The circle, it's a gateway, but if you step into it and you aren't prepared, it can discorporate you completely.
Nina: Does what you say make sense in your head?

Gabriel: Anyway, Armageddon the sequel, that's a nah. What's next on the agenda?

Gabriel: I see. You're casting me down to Hell. Well, I accept my fate. Sometimes an angel just has to say, "Guys, enough." Even though...
The Metatron: No speeches, Gabriel. You are not going to Hell. For one prince of Heaven to be cast into the outer darkness makes a good story. For it to happen twice, makes it look like there is some kind of institutional problem.

Nina: What did you just do?
Aziraphale: I think... I may have just started a war.

Crowley: You... You blew up your halo? Ooh, Hell won't like that.

Gabriel: Why did you wanna meet me here?
Beelzebub: Well, if we're gonna have background talks, they can't be in either of our home territories.
Gabriel: And what do we need to discuss?
Beelzebub: Arma-bloody-geddon. That was a complete and utter pain in the ass.

Gabriel: I have a proposal to make. Instead of Armageddon, what about... no Armageddon?
Beelzebub: An interesting proposal. No Armageddon. They won't like that, though. Most of my demons live for Armageddon, if you can call that living.
Gabriel: Well, my angels too. But you can't always get what you... live for.
Beelzebub: Advantages to no Armageddon?
Gabriel: We keep the status quo, static and, um, quo-ey.

Gabriel: Two goblets of your intoxicating liquor, please. And, uh...
Beelzebub: Packet of crisps.
Bartender: Very good, sir. Which liquor would that be?
Gabriel: Whichever one it is you humans usually orally consume.
Bartender: Two pints of regular, then.

Aziraphale: I've had quite enough of this! You will speak one at a time.

Michael: Um, Gabriel, Beelzebub, what do you want?
Gabriel: I would like... better clothes, and I would like to be with Beelzebub. Wherever Beelzebub is... is my Heaven.
Beelzebub: Mm-hmm. And where you are, my sweet, is forever my Hell.
Crowley: You know, Alpha Centauri's nice... Always wanted to go there. Couple of decent planets. No nightlife to speak of.

The Metatron: Do people ever ask for death?
Nina: What?
The Metatron: Well, the name of your establishment, "Give Me Coffee or Give Me Death." I assume they always ask for coffee.
Nina: They don't ever ask for death, no.
The Metatron: No, I don't suppose they do... So predictable.

Michael: Um, and who are you?
The Metatron: For Heaven's sake. And I mean that most literally. You don't know me? Well, uh, what about you, Demon? Do you know me?
Crowley: Oh, I know you... Last time I saw you, you were a big, floating giant head, man.
Aziraphale: Oh! The Metatron.

The Metatron: It's just you and me, Aziraphale, eh? I think we need to have a bit of a chinwag, don't you?
Aziraphale: I don't believe there's anything left to be said. I've made my position quite clear.
The Metatron: Yeah, well, I brought you a coffee from the shop. It's an oat milk latte with a hefty jigger of almond syrup.
Aziraphale: You brought me a coffee?
The Metatron: Are you going to take it?
Aziraphale: Shall I?
The Metatron: Drink it? Of course. I've ingested things in my time, you know.

Crowley: When Aziraphale does come back, I think we need a little us time. After all this, I think we are going for an extremely alcoholic breakfast at the Ritz...

Crowley: We talk all the time! We've been talking for millions of years. Bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla. I say something brilliant, he says something unintentionally funny back. It's great.

The Metatron: What's that you're holding, Muriel?
Muriel: A book. It's called a book. I'm "reading" a book.

Crowley: Look, I suppose, um... I've got something to say. I know we ought to be talking about... It's probably best if I start off doing all the talking, you do all the listening, 'cause if I don't start talking now, I won't ever start talking, right? Yes, so...
Aziraphale: What's that lovely human expression? Oh, yes! Hold that thought.

Crowley: Oh, we're better than that, you're better than that, Angel! You don't need them. I certainly don't need them! Look, they asked me back to Hell, I said no. I'm not gonna be joining their team. Neither should you.
Aziraphale: But... Well, obviously you said no to Hell, you're the bad guys. But Heaven... Well, it's the side of truth, of light, of good...
Crowley: When Heaven ends life here on Earth, it'll be just as dead as if Hell ended it. Tell me you said no.

Aziraphale: If I'm in charge... I can make a difference.

Aziraphale: Come with me... to Heaven. I'll run it, you can be my second in command. We can make a difference.

Crowley: You can't leave this bookshop!
Aziraphale: Oh, Crowley. Nothing lasts forever.
Crowley: ... No. No, I don't suppose it does... Good luck.

Crowley: Listen. Do you hear that?
Aziraphale: .... I don't hear anything.
Crowley: That's the point. No nightingales.

The Metatron: Well, I can't think of a better angel to wrap things up, and to set into motion the next step in the great plan.
Aziraphale: Um, yes, you mentioned that. Can I know what it is?
The Metatron: Well, it's something we need an angel of your talents to direct. An angel who is familiar with how they do things on Earth.
Aziraphale: Ah.
The Metatron: We call it the Second Coming.

Elevator Voice: Doors closing. Going up.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb
+ Soundtracks

The Ball

Good Omens 2. Chapter 5

Furfur: Demons?
Shax: I want only the worst, I want the worst of the worst, I want killers.
Furfur: Mm-hmm... Right, so how many?
Shax: 10,000 demons.
Furfur: Sorry, I thought you said 10,000.

Crowley: Are you actually going through with this?
Aziraphale: Indeed, I am.
Crowley: Can I watch?

Crowley: You gave away a book!
Aziraphale: I had to. Maggie and Nina are depending on me. They just don't know it yet.

Shax: A thousand... blood-thirsty demons. We are in Hell! I have authorization from Beelzebub.
Furfur: You can have authorization from Satan himself love, if I don't have them I can't send them over.

Shax: Five hundred. There must be 500 foot soldiers.
Furfur: What they for?
Shax: Attacking a bookshop. Don't tell anybody, but we may be battling angels.
Furfur: ... I'll do you 100.
Shax: What's...
Furfur: It has just dropped to 70.

Aziraphale: Erm... Street Association meeting tonight at 6:30 in my shop, perfectly ordinary invitation with no hidden agenda of any kind.

Nina: You've been together long?
Crowley: Who?
Nina: You and your partner.
Crowley: Oh, no, no, it's not... it's not like that.
Nina: It certainly looks like that from here. Oh so you've just recently hooked up.
Crowley: No, we...
Nina: You got a husband? Or a boyfriend? Is the book selling your bit on the side?
Crowley: He's not my bit on the side. I'm far too pure of heart to be anybody's bit on the side. He's just an angel, I know.
Nina: If you say so. But then again, other people's love lives always seem so much more straightforward than our own.

Crowley: You've got an amnesiac Archangel hiding out in your bookshop. I spent last night worrying if he's going to wake up. What if he remembers who he is, what if he's faking it? He could smite me. When Gabriel smites you, you've been... Smited? Smut?
Aziraphale: Smitten.

Gabriel: Thank you. You're really nice.
Crowley: Don't thank me. And I'm not. Oh, nobody would believe you anyway.

Crowley: What are you planning?
Aziraphale: Wait and see.
Crowley: Wait and see?! Do you have any idea how irritating that is?

Crowley: What are you doing?
Aziraphale: I told you. Jane Austen. We're having a Ball.

Maggie: This is something new.
Nina: This is something completely bonkers. Why is everyone talking like they just came from Pride and Prejudice?
Maggie: Just getting into the spirit of things, I suppose.
Nina: Spirit of what things? This is meant to be the Shopkeepers Association monthly meeting.
Maggie: Oh, yes. Well, when you put it like that.

Shax: Surrender the Angel. Send out Gabriel. Nobody gets too badly hurt.

Gabriel: Hi. Listen. The Angel Gabriel is... apparently, me. But I'm also Jim, which is short for James, but also Gabriel.

Shax: Get back in there right now, this minute. And you tell that ass Aziraphale and that arch traitor Crowley that unless they send out the Angel Gabriel now, they are toast! T-O-S-T. E. Toast. Now!

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb

The Hitchhiker

Good Omens 2. Chapter 4

Hell PA: Hello. Have a miserable eternity. We'd like to apologize for the wait and the conditions, but we won't. Cheer up. Things could be worse, and they will be.

Furfur: Shoot number four, all the way down. Have a miserable eternity. Next.

Shax: Having a rough one?
Furfur: No, no, it's perfect. I've spent all morning processing 52 men called Otto.
Shax: You know, if you really want to get out of here, I believe they are looking to move some people from Admissions to Temptations...
Furfur: Well, it's never come easy to me. Climbing the greasy pole. I get all double tongue tied.

Furfur: You'd be passed through this spider's digestive system, expelled as faecal matter, reconstituted as a Nazi headed fly and the whole sorry business is repeated.
Greta Kleinschmidt: For how long?
Furfur: Let me check for you.... Eternity. So, if you'd rather take the initial 24 hours as a living dead on Earth, just sign here, otherwise it's straight through there for spinne time--

Crowley: Are you sure? Are you sure you are sure?

Magic Shop Owner: I have warned you. It'll take a miracle for you to be able to perform this safely tonight.
Aziraphale: That's why you just sell us the trick.
Crowley: Leave the miracles to us.

Aziraphale: You'll do the shooting, I'll catch the bullet. I'll do all the hard bits.

Aziraphale: It's perfectly simple. Aim for my mouth, but shoot past my ear.
Crowley: I just squeeze that there, do I not?
Aziraphale: Haven't you fired a gun before?
Crowley: Not as such.

Aziraphale: But you're dead.
Furfur: Living dead.

Aziraphale: You could've walked away. If you were truly as evil as you like to paint yourself, you would've done that.
Crowley: Nah. That's the trouble with you lot. You don't just see things in black and white. Sometimes, you've just gotta blur the edges.

Aziraphale: Well, maybe there is something to be said for. Shades of grey.
Crowley: Well, shades of... dark grey.
Aziraphale: Shades of a very light grey, I'd rather fancy.

Aziraphale: Well, then. Whickber Street Traders and Shopkeepers Association monthly meeting, here we come.
Crowley: You're really hosting the meeting?
Aziraphale: Absolutely. And I can guarantee you it will be a night to remember...

+ Quotes on the IMDb

I Know Where I'm Going

Good Omens 2. Chapter 3

Aziraphale: This is a human police officer who's just popped in to have a quick look at a cup of tea.

Aziraphale: As for Inspector Constable, at a guess, they were sent to verify the 25 Lazarii miracle you and I seem to have accidentally performed together the other night.
Crowley: That's how you lot measure miracles? How many times it could have brought someone back from the dead?

Crowley: Listen, you wouldn't be interested in humans falling in love, would you? I... I know for some members of the police force it's a bit of a hobby!
Muriel: Yes! Yes, I am! Oh, especially...
Crowley: Maggie and Nina over the road. Ah, yes. Well, we, humans of Earth have a saying: you can only tell if people are in love by waiting a few days because humans are weird and that's how it works.
Muriel: Oh... yes! I knew that.
Crowley: Well, don't hesitate to ask me if you have any other questions about love, Inspector...
Aziraphale: Constable.

Aziraphale: Oh, this isn't good.
Crowley: Well, depending on the point of view. You say potato, I say excellent.

Crowley: She needed the money.
Aziraphale: That is irrelevant. Look, I am good. You, I'm afraid, are evil. But people get a choice.
Crowley: You know, they cannot be truly holy unless they also get the opportunity to be wicked.
Aziraphale: She is wicked.
Crowley: Yeah, that only works if you start everyone off equal. You can't start someone off like that and expect her to do as well as someone born in a castle.
Aziraphale: Ah, but no, no. That's the good bit. The lower you start, the more opportunities you have. So Elspeth here has all the opportunities because she's so poor.
Crowley: That's lunacy.
Aziraphale: No, that's ineffable.

Crowley: Gravity. It's, um... a thing that happens when objects are pulled together. In this case, they're all pulled downwards because the earth is the largest thing around.
Gabriel: Why?

Crowley: Right, so, the plan: Operation Lovebirds. I'm gonna wait until they both happen to be near the awning, then, sudden downpour, they're back out of the rain, bump into each other, look into each other's eyes and vavoom.
Gabriel: Vavoom?
Crowley: That's the plan, yeah. I haven't done weather in ages...

Aziraphale: That was very kind of you, Crowley. You saved that young woman.
Crowley: Not kind! Off my head on laudanum. Not responsible for my actions.

Crowley: Fell's Bookshop. We probably don't have what you're looking for and we wouldn't sell it to you if we did.

Crowley: Oh, yes. It's working...

Gabriel: Did they vavoom?
Crowley: I think it's fair to say, Jim, that vavooming was not the end result of that particular tempest.

Gabriel: There will come a tempest, and darkness, and great storms. And the dead will leave their graves and walk the earth once more. And there will be great lamentations.
Crowley: Go on.
Gabriel: Every day it's getting closer.
Crowley: What are we talking about now?....
Gabriel: Who am I? What's happened to me?

Shax: Come on, let me in.
Crowley: Yeah. Not gonna happen, so just... excuse me.

Crowley: I'm surprised you haven't popped in for a quick poke around.
Shax: You know I can't step over the threshold.
Crowley: Oh. Shame I can't invite you in. You're welcome to look all you want from there. Maybe you'll spot an archangel.
Gabriel: Hello, customer!
Shax: Listen, when there's no hot water and two yellow lights on the boiler, what is that?
Crowley: Oh, yeah, yeah. That happens. There's a little black tap on a silver loop you have to turn. It's sort of under...
Shax: Yeah, I can find it. And if you won't let me in...
Crowley: Not technically something I can do.

Crowley: If any harm comes to Aziraphale because of this, I will... Oh, it doesn't matter. It's too late for that now, isn't it? It's always too late.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb

The Clue

Good Omens 2. Chapter 2

Crowley: See, I have a permit.
Aziraphale: A permit? From whom?
Crowley: From God.
Aziraphale: Oh... You see, it's not that I mind jokes.
Crowley: Oh no, no, no, no, no. No, no jokes. These goats belong to Job, right?
Aziraphale: Yes, Job. Who is, I might add, a particular favorite of God, so...
Crowley: Shall I summarize? Satan and his diabolical ministers... may destroy everything Job owns, no questions asked. Hugs and kisses, God.

Muriel: Yep, that's all fine!
Aziraphale: Good heavens. What did he do?
Muriel: Job? Nothing. Job's the nicest man in the world. That's why he's so perfect for the bet.
Aziraphale: The bet?
Muriel: Yep. You see, God was saying how righteous Job was and how much Job loved God. - And Satan pointed out... that maybe that was just 'cause God's been so nice to him. Anyway, long story short, God's letting Satan destroy everything Job has. And then we'll see.

Muriel: Oh, nothing important, no. Just his farm, his camels, his goat, his oxen, his children, his geese...
Aziraphale: His what?
Muriel: His geese. You know, big cross ducks.
Aziraphale: His children?!

Aziraphale: ... Oh! Oh, I see. Well, oh well, that's alright then.
Gabriel: Of course it is. Trust in God's plan, Aziraphale. Always.
Aziraphale: Of course, of course. So, once Job's trials are over, um, everything is restored to him?
Michael: Even better than that. God will reward him with twice as much as he had before.
Aziraphale: Oh, praise be.

Michael: Twice the oxen, twice the goats, twice the children.
Aziraphale: Twice the... twice the children?
Gabriel: Yes, of course. How many does he have now, three? So, he'll get six!
Michael: Uh, probably... seven. You know how God likes sevens.

Aziraphale: Um, I only meant, are we sure that Sitis [who is 58] wants to give birth four more times?
Michael: Seven more times.
Aziraphale: But, well, she's already got three children, so...
Michael: Yeah, but those ones will be dead.

Aziraphale: I think they quite like the old ones. And, and if... if we kill them.
Gabriel: Aziraphale... we are the good guys. Okay? We're not killing anyone. What we are doing is simply not stopping hell. What they do is up to them.

Gabriel: "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." That goes under I.

Shax: You're in trouble.
Crowley: Obviously. Former Demon, hated by Heaven, loathed by Hell. How will our hero cope?
Shax: Are you making fun of me?
Crowley: Would you know if I was?

Shax: Help us, and we will be grateful. And otherwise... you'll be disliked by Heaven, hunted and eliminated by Hell... So you do understand I'm threatening you?

Crowley: You mean like a sudden rainstorm forces them together beneath a canopy? They look into each other's eyes... And realize they were made for each other?
Aziraphale: Sounds a bit unlikely.
Crowley: No, no, no. No. No. Get humans wet and staring into each other's eyes, vavoom, sorted. I saw it in a Richard Curtis film.

Aziraphale: You remember Jane Austen?
Crowley: Yeah. I'm not gonna forget her in a hurry, am I? The brains behind the 1810 Clerkenwell Diamond Robbery. Brandy smuggler. Master spy. What a piece of work.
Aziraphale: She wrote books. Novels.
Crowley: Jane? Austen?
Aziraphale: Yes!
Crowley: Whoa, bit of a dark horse. Novels, eh?
Aziraphale: Yes. They were very good.
Crowley: Well. No, I'm just surprised, that's all. You think you know someone...

Aziraphale: Come on! I want to show you the Clue!
Crowley: Whatever you've found out, don't call it a "Clue".
Aziraphale: But it is a Clue.
Crowley: Well, at least don't pronounce the capital letter.

Crowley: Jane Austen. Wrote books too... You people, I will never get the hang of you lot.

Aziraphale: I'm sorry Jim. But you've done awfully well. Have a rest now.
Crowley: Your boss said that to Job, do you remember?

Job: Sorry, you've... you've come at rather a bad time.
Crowley: Well, yeah, yeah, so I can see. What happened?
Job: God has forsaken me and delivered me to demons.
Crowley: Oh! You must be furious?
Job: I burn with fury!
Crowley: Course you do. After all your devotion to God...
Job: Not at God! Fury at myself.
Crowley: Yourself? Why, what have you done?
Job: I don't know. And how sunk in sin must I be not only to deserve all this, but not even to know why.

Crowley: So, the kids. Where are they?
Sitis: Oh. Not now Bildad the Shuhite. Good of you to look in, but we're a tiny bit busy weathering the wrath of God.

Aziraphale: Crowley! You don't have to destroy Job's children.
Crowley: Last time we met you seemed pretty confident I couldn't destroy Job's goats.
Aziraphale: Yes. I was wrong. Technically you can, but...
Crowley: Oh, then technically I will.
Aziraphale: But you don't have to! That's the point.
Crowley: Surely the great thing about being a demon is you can do whatever you want. Mm, you sound jealous, angel.
Aziraphale: Certainly not. I get to do what God wants.
Crowley: Like killing innocent children to win a bet with Satan?

Crowley: I want to. I long to destroy the blameless children of blameless Job, just as I destroyed his blameless goats.

Aziraphale: Are you... drinking human wine? It's the source of drunkenness.
Crowley: Isn't it just? Mmmm... Very promising little vineyard. Yeah alright, you don't drink. Try the food, though. You can't get drunk on food... Go on. Have an ox-rib.
Aziraphale: Are you trying to tempt me?
Crowley: Not at all. Angels can't be tempted, can you?
Aziraphale: Certainly not.
Crowley: Well, there you are then. You're free to try the food.
Aziraphale: ..... Oh, I say.
Crowley: Cheers.

Aziraphale: Come on! You're a little bit on our side.
Crowley: Not even the littlest.
Aziraphale: Well, you're not on Hell's side.
Crowley: I go along with Hell as far as I can.
Aziraphale: So whose side are you on?
Crowley: My side.
Aziraphale: Gosh. Well, that sounds...
Crowley: What?
Aziraphale: Lonely.

Crowley: Whose side are you on?
Aziraphale: God's, of course!
Crowley: Oh, really? The same God that wants me to whack the kids?
Aziraphale: Yes. But...
Crowley: Yeah... That's just how it started for me. See you in Hell.

Crowley: Is God actually...
Aziraphale: I think so.
Crowley: ...talking to him?
Aziraphale: I don't suppose he's getting any answers.
Crowley: No. But just to be able to ask the question...

Sitis: What did God say?
Job: Um... I'm not sure. I didn't understand much. Things too wonderful for me. Ostriches came into it.
Sitis: Ostriches?
Job: And whales. God's very proud of the whale. Went into some detail about... how great whales are.
Sitis: They explain?
Job: I think the point was, if you want answers, come back when you can make a whale.
Sitis: And the children? Did They mention the children?
Job: No.
Sitis: No...

Gabriel: "It was the day my grandmother exploded."

Gabriel: "It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife." Whatever that is.

Gabriel: "It was a nice day." That's more like it.

Aziraphale: I'm a fallen angel! I lied. To thwart the will of God.
Crowley: Well yeah, you did, but... I'm not gonna tell anybody. Are you? No. Then nothing has to change, does it?
Aziraphale: .... But what am I?
Crowley: You're just an angel who goes along with Heaven as far as he can.
Aziraphale: That sounds, um...
Crowley: Lonely? Yeah.
Aziraphale: But you said it wasn't.
Crowley: I'm a demon. I lied.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb

The Arrival

Good Omens 2. Chapter 1

Crowley: Okay, here goes. Let there be matter, let there be gravity, let there be everything from pages... 11 to 3,000,602 inclusive.....
Aziraphale: Is something meant to happen?
Crowley: Oh, right, sorry, yes, yes. I knew I'd missed one. Let there be light!

Aziraphale: Oh. You made it all yourself?
Crowley: Ah, well, I mean, more or less. I wasn't... I wasn't, um... I wasn't the original concept designer, but I worked very closely with upstairs on it.

Aziraphale: So, what's it for?
Crowley: How do you mean?
Aziraphale: Well, what exactly does it all do?
Crowley: Oh, right. Well, what doesn't this beauty do? Basically, it's a star factory. All the dust and gas you can see, it's actually building about 5,000 young stars and protoplanets. Most of the universe of stars will come pre-aged, but these ones are only starting out. A few million years to bake... and then boom, stars everywhere!
Aziraphale: Oh, that's nice.

Aziraphale: You know, the current word from upstairs is that we'll be shutting this all down again in about 6,000 years.
Crowley: But that's nothing! Oh. What's the point in creating an infinite universe with trillions of star systems if you're only gonna let it run for a few thousand years? The engine won't have properly warmed up by then.

Aziraphale: The impression I get is that the stars and your um...
Crowley: Err, call it a nebula.
Aziraphale: Right. Well, they exist just so that the people can look up into the night sky and marvel at the illimitable vastness of The Almighty's creation.
Crowley: But that's idiocy! It's the universe, it's not just some fancy wallpaper! Millions of galaxies, trillions of stars, oodles of... everything! It's not just put here to twinkle! Most of it won't even be visible from Earth. Why don't you put Earth in the middle of the universe so the view's better?

Crowley: Someone has to say, "Look, boss, this is a really, really terrible idea."
Aziraphale: Well, I suspect that would be considered... inappropriate.
Crowley: Well, I don't suppose anyone could object to me putting a note into the suggestion box...
Aziraphale: I don't believe The Almighty has actually created a suggestion box. And furthermore, I don't think it's our place to start suggesting that there should be a suggestion box.
Crowley: Well, if I was the one running it all, I'd like it if someone asked questions. Fresh point of view. You can't just create a universe, run it for a few thousand years, and then stop!

Aziraphale: ...look, word to the wise, I'd hate to see you getting into any trouble.
Crowley: Mm, thanks for your help. And thanks for your advice. I wouldn't worry though. How much trouble can I get into just for asking a few questions?

Maggie: You can't just forgive me eight months' rent!
Aziraphale: Oh, I can. I'm very good at forgiveness. It's one of my favorite things.

Shax: Was it always this easy?
Crowley: Easy?
Shax: I keep planning complicated strategic strikes to spread misery and panic among the humans, and just as I'm about to put one into motion, they come up with something themselves which is so much worse than anything I could have thought of.
Crowley: Yeah. Always this easy.

Shax: If I learn anything that you might find useful, I'll tell you, and in return, you'll tell me what I need. Got anything for me?
Crowley: Frozen peas.
Shax: What?
Crowley: That's what you feed ducks. Frozen peas. They love them, and it's good for them too.

Gabriel: What...
Aziraphale: What am I doing here?
Gabriel: Yes.
Aziraphale: Well? What are you doing here?
Gabriel: I don't know. That's why I asked.
Aziraphale: You don't know?
Gabriel: No, but I would love to find out. Oh, it would also be great to know where here is, and also who you are, and also who I am.
Aziraphale: And also, why you're naked.
Gabriel: Who told you I was naked?

Aziraphale: Why did you come to my shop?
Gabriel: I don't know. I just thought I should. You know what it's like when you don't know anything at all, and yet you're totally certain that everything would be better if you were just near one particular person?
Aziraphale: No. Certainly not. I have no idea what that feels like.

Gabriel: James. Long for Jim, short for Gabriel.

Crowley: Basic demon on Earth stuff. Either call on the phone and talk, or appear mysteriously. Don't do both.
Shax: Why not?
Crowley: Trust me.
Shax: Righto.

Crowley: Right, what's the problem?
Aziraphale: Problem? Who said there was a problem?
Crowley: Tone of voice. You have three reasons for calling me: you're bored, you need to tell someone about something clever you did before you pop, or something's wrong. This was your "something's wrong" voice.

Nina: Hello. Can I get you anything?
Crowley: Take a big cup, put six shots of espresso into it, nothing else.
Aziraphale: That sounds fun. Does it calm you down?
Crowley: Not really.
Aziraphale: Nina, what do you sell that calms people down?
Nina: Eccles cakes?

Crowley: He is not our friend.
Aziraphale: I don't think he really has any friends.
Crowley: Exactly.
Aziraphale: Yes, exactly.
Crowley: What does your exactly mean exactly? I feel like your exactly and my exactly are different exactlys.

Crowley: Just breathe, that's what humans do... then they count to ten before they do anything stupid!

Beelzebub: Well, wherever he is, you find Gabriel for me and you can have whatever your nasty little heart desires. You could be a Duke of Hell.

Beelzebub: I'm hearing that anybody they find involved in this affair will be dealt with.
Crowley: How?
Beelzebub: Extreme... sanctions.
Crowley: That isn't actually a thing. That's just something we used to joke about to frighten the cherubs.

Crowley: I'm back.

Crowley: You want a big, "I think I said the wrong thing," sort of apology, or can we take that as said?
Aziraphale: I'd like the apology, actually.

Aziraphale: I want a proper apology.
Crowley: No.
Aziraphale: With the little dance.
Crowley: I don't do the dance.
Aziraphale: I did the "I was wrong" dance in 1650, in 1793, 1941...
Crowley: Fine! You were right, you were right, I was wrong, you were right. Okay?

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb
+ Soundtracks

Saturday Morning Funtime

Good Omens 1×4

Captain Vincent: That's impossible! It appears a vast expanse of seabed has risen beneath us in the night. Strange people in long robes and diving helmets have come aboard the ship and are mingling happily with the passengers, who think that we have organised this for their amusement.

— Make it happen. Make it real. Make it happen. Make it real.

Pepper: Adam, I still don't understand the thing you were telling us about alien spaceships. If I was an alien, I wouldn't be going around giving messages of universal peace and goodwill. I'd say, "This is a laser blaster. Prepare to die, rebel swine."
Wensleydale: I'd say that too, if I was an alien in a flying saucer. Or, "Exterminate." Obviously, the aliens used to do that.

Pepper: Adam, I don't think this stuff is, you know... real.
Adam Young: Things on the Internet can be made up. This is magazines. Of course it's real!

Aziraphale: There-- there's been prophecies.
Crowley: What's in human prophecies that matters to us?
Aziraphale: Well, er, the Kraken wakes and rises from the sea floor. So does Atlantis. And the rain forests return. And that's just for starters. Armageddon is coming, and I'm fairly certain it starts today. Just after teatime.
Crowley: Exactly. Right on schedule. What's your point?

Aziraphale: I just thought there was something we could do.
Crowley: There is. We can fight. And we can win.
Aziraphale: But there doesn't have to be a war.
Crowley: Of course there does. Otherwise, how would we win it?

Maud: Lesley. Come back to bed.
Lesley: I can't, love. I got deliveries to make.
Maud: On a Saturday morning?
Lesley: Well, at least it's local. Two jobs and I'm done.
Maud: Lesley. Who are these deliveries for?
Lesley: I don't know, love. Someone important. Head office said the job was booked about 6,000 years ago.
Maud: They were joking.
Lesley: Well, the company's only 80 years old. But I saw the paperwork.

Lesley: Anyway... ours is not to reason why. Ours... is to deliver packages.

Crowley: Where should I go?.. England's out. America's out. Atlantis? Didn't exist yesterday. It exists today. Still out... The moon. No atmosphere. No nightlife... Alpha Centauri. That's always nice this time of year. Beautiful nebula. Look at that.

Lesley: I've got a message for you, sir. It's not a package. It's a message.
Death: Deliver it, then.
Lesley: It's just this. "Come and see."
Death: Finally!
Lesley: What does it mean, sir?
Death: It's a call to action. War and Famine. Pollution and Death. Today, we ride.

Death: Now, don't think of it as dying. Think of it as leaving early to avoid the rush.

Shadwell: It's all up to you now, Witchfinder Private Pulsifer. Find this Adam Young and keep an eye on him.
Newton Pulsifer: Shouldn't there be a few more of us if we're protecting the entire country from witches?
Shadwell: Nobody said it would be easy, Private Pulsifer.

Newton Pulsifer: Bell. Book. Candle. What are they for?
Shadwell: You might have to exorcise a demon.
Newton Pulsifer: How do I do that?
Shadwell: Ring the bell. Light the candle.
Newton Pulsifer: Read the book?
Shadwell: There'll be no time for light reading when you're under demonic attack, laddie. And finally... pin.
Newton Pulsifer: Pin?
Shadwell: Aye. It's the bayonet in your army of light.
Newton Pulsifer: Right.

Alien Leader: Morning, sir, madam or neuter. This your planet, is it?

Shadwell: You what?
Newton Pulsifer: I just got pulled over by aliens.
Shadwell: Did you count their nipples?

Wensleydale: I don't know if this is in your New Aquarian magazines, but I was thinking we ought to save the whales. Whales can sing, actually. And they have very big brains. And there's hardly any of them left.
Pepper: If they're so clever, what are they doing in the sea all day? Just swimming and eating things and singing and— Oh, my God, I want to be a whale.
Adam Young: Right. We'll save the whales, then. All of them.

Demon No.1: Well... The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse will ride over the plain to us, and then our forces... I thought "the Forces of Darkness" was a bit long, so I'm calling us "Darkforce One." We rise up, pushing through the earth, while our opposition descend from above.
Duke of Hell Hastur: This is Armageddon. This is where the world will end.
Demon No.1: Well, that's the Greek name for it. Technically, the fields of Megiddo. Yeah. Archaeological excavations over there, avocado fields that way.
Duke of Hell Hastur: They grow avocados here?
Demon No.1: Yes. We have a joke. We say... "It's going to be one big avocado."
Duke of Hell Hastur: I, er... I don't like jokes. I don't do jokes. And when people do jokes in my presence, they rapidly find themselves swallowing their tongues... No, I tell a lie. It's mostly me that swallows their tongues.

---

Duke of Hell Hastur: A photo op? What's-- what's-- what's a photo op? Is it-- Is it another joke?
Demon No.2: No, Your Disgrace. It's... Well, you know what a selfie is?... I believe the demon Crowley invented them.

Crowley: The forces of Hell have figured out it was my fault. But we can run away together. Alpha Centauri. Lots of spare planets up there. Nobody would even notice us.
Aziraphale: Crowley, you're being ridiculous. Look, I-I-I'm quite sure if I can just-- just reach the right people, then I can get all this sorted out.
Crowley: There aren't any right people. There's just God, moving in mysterious ways and not talking to any of us!
Aziraphale: Well, yes, and that is why I'm going to have a word with the Almighty, and then the Almighty will fix it.
Crowley: That won't happen! You're so clever. How can somebody as clever as you be so stupid?!

God: You're probably wondering where Crowley has gone. Demons aren't bound by physics. Over the years, a huge number of theological man-hours have been spent debating the question: "How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?" To answer it, we need information. Firstly, angels don't dance. It's one of the distinguishing characteristics that marks an angel. So, none. At least, nearly none. Aziraphale had learned a dance called the "gavotte" in a discreet gentlemen's club in Portland Place in the late 1880s. After a while, he had become fairly good at it, and was quite put out when, some decades later, the gavotte went out of style for good. So providing the dance was a gavotte, the answer is a straightforward "one". Then again, you might just as well ask how many demons can dance on the head of a pin. They're of the same original stock, after all. And at least demons dance. Not what you'd call good dancing, though. For demons or for angels, size and shape are simply options. So, if you look from really close up, the only problem about dancing on the head of a pin is all those big gaps between electrons. That's where Crowley has gone...

Archangel Michael: Aziraphale, it's time to choose sides.
Aziraphale: I've-I've actually been giving that a lot of thought. The, erm, the whole choosing sides thing. Erm, what I think is that there obviously has to be two sides. That's the whole point. So people can make choices. That's-- that's what being human means. Choices. But-- but that's-- that's for them. Our job as-as angels should be to keep all this working so they can make choices.
Uriel: You think too much. You... you mustn't.

Newton Pulsifer: So we find this Adam, and then what do we do?
Anathema Device: Stop him. He's bringing Armageddon.
Newton Pulsifer: So, we ask him nicely to stop?

Newton Pulsifer: The world's about to end, and I've-- I've never-- never robbed a bank. I've never got a parking ticket. I've never eaten Thai food. I've never been abroad. I've never learned to play a musical instrument, and I've never...
Anathema Device: Kissed a girl?
Newton Pulsifer: No, not even once.

Madame Tracy: I made you a nice cup of tea. I made it just the way you like it. Nine sugars and condensed milk.
Shadwell: Awa' wi' ye, ye murrain plashed berrizene.
Madame Tracy: Oh, Mr Shadwell. You say the nicest things.

Aziraphale: The important thing is the Antichrist. I know who he is, I know where he is.
Metatron: Good work, well done.
Aziraphale: So there doesn't need to be any of that nonsense about, erm, a third of the seas turning to blood or anything. There needn't be a war. We can save everyone.
Metatron: The point is not to avoid the war. The point is to win it.

Aziraphale: What sort of, er, initiating event will precipitate the war?
Metatron: We thought a multi-nation nuclear exchange would be a nice start.
Aziraphale: Very imaginative.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb
+ Soundtracks

Hard Times

Good Omens 1×3

Crowley: What's all this about? Build a big boat and fill it with a travelling zoo?
Aziraphale: From what I hear, God's a bit tetchy. Wiping out the human race. Big storm.
Crowley: All of them?
Aziraphale: Just the locals. I don't believe the Almighty's upset with the Chinese. Or the Native Americans. Or the Australians. Yet. And God's not actually going to wipe out all the locals. I mean, Noah, up there, his family, and his sons, their wives, they're all going to be fine.
Crowley: But they're drowning everybody else? Not the kids? You can't kill kids... Well, that's more the kind of thing you'd expect my lot to do.
Aziraphale: Yes, but when it's done, the Almighty's going to put up a new thing, called a "rain bow", as a promise not to drown everyone again.
Crowley: How kind.
Aziraphale: You can't judge the Almighty, Crawley. God's plans are--
Crowley: Are you going to say "ineffable"?

Crowley: Oy! Shem! That unicorn's going to make a run for it... Oh, it's too late. It's too late! Well, you've still got one of them.

Aziraphale: I'm not consulted on policy decisions, Crawley.
Crowley: Oh, I've changed it.
Aziraphale: Changed what?
Crowley: My name. "Crawl-y" just wasn't really doing it for me. It's a bit too... squirming-at-your-feet-ish.
Aziraphale: Well, you were a snake...

Aziraphale: So, what is it now? Mephistopheles? Asmodeus?
Crowley: Crowley.

Aziraphale: Did you, uh... ever meet him?
Crowley: Yes. Seemed a very bright young man. I showed him all the kingdoms of the world.
Aziraphale: Why?
Crowley: He's a carpenter from Galilee. His travel opportunities are limited... Urgh! That has got to hurt... What was it he said that got everyone so upset?
Aziraphale: "Be kind to each other."
Crowley: Oh, yeah. That'll do it.

Aziraphale: Crawley-- Crowley? Well... Fancy running into you here. Still a demon, then?
Crowley: What kind of stupid question is that, "Still a demon"? What else am I going to be, an aardvark? Salutaria.

Aziraphale: But, my dear fellow... well, they'd check. Michael's a... bit of a stickler. You don't want to get Gabriel upset with you.
Crowley: Oh, our lot have better things to do than verifying compliance reports from Earth. As long as they get the paperwork, they seem happy enough. As long as you're being seen to be doing something every now and again.

Crowley: Apparently, I have to ride a horse. Hard on the buttocks, horses. Major design flaw, if you ask me.

Crowley: We've done it before. Dozens of times now. The arrangement—
Aziraphale: Don't say that!
Crowley: Our respective head offices don't actually care how things get done. They just want to know they can cross it off the list.

Aziraphale: Please. No. Dreadful mistake, discorporating me. Oh, it'll be a complete nightmare... Animals!
Crowley: Animals don't kill each other with clever machines, angel. Only humans do that.

---

Aziraphale: I got peckish.
Crowley: "Peckish"?
Aziraphale: Well, if you must know, it was the crepes. You can't get decent ones anywhere but Paris. And the brioche.
Crowley: So you just popped across the Channel during a revolution, because you wanted something to nibble? Dressed like that?
Aziraphale: I have standards... I'd heard they were getting a bit carried away over here but—
Crowley: Yeah, this is not getting carried away. This is cutting off lots of people's heads very efficiently with a big head-cutting machine.

Aziraphale: Why are you here?
Crowley: My lot sent me a commendation for outstanding job performance.
Aziraphale: So all this is your demonic work?
Crowley: No. The humans thought it up themselves. Nothing to do with me.

Aziraphale: Well, I suppose I should say thank you for the, uh, rescue.
Crowley: Don't say that. If my people hear I rescued an angel, I'll be the one in trouble. And my lot do not send rude notes...

Aziraphale: The unsold copies of The Nice and Accurate Prophecies were destroyed by the publisher, which is, well, all of them. It never sold a single copy. But... I found the publisher's catalogue for 1655, and it does list one of Agnes Nutter's prophecies.
Mr. Harmony: What was it?
Aziraphale: Her prophecy for 1972. "Do not buy Betamax."
Mr. Glozier: Who is Peter Max?

Anathema Device: We can see auras.
Adam Young: And they are?
Anathema Device: This coloured forcefield surrounding someone. Everyone's got one. And I can look at its strengths and colour and tell you how you're feeling.
Adam Young: That's brilliant. Why don't they teach us about them at school?
Anathema Device: Because school is a repressive tool of the state.

Adam Young: So, what else don't they teach us at school?
Anathema Device: They're clubbing baby seals... They're cutting down the rain forest so you can get a cheap hamburger... Watch out for genetically modified food... Don't get me started on global warming... And that's because whales have huge brains, and they're hunting them for no reason... Nuclear power stations...

God: It might have helped Anathema to understand what was going on, if she understood the very simple reason why she couldn't see Adam's aura. It's for the same reason that people in Times Square can't see America.

Aziraphale: But there doesn't have to be another war, does there?
Gabriel: As much as we appreciate your hypotheticals, Aziraphale, I'm afraid we have other things to do. The Earth isn't going to just end itself, you know.

Waiter: Your main course, madam. Chicken froth on a reduction of broccoli gel with a mushroom foam. And the chef recommends that you have this first. A balloon filled with lavender-scented air. It is the first course.
Famine: It just occurred to me. I've never seen a room full of rich people so hungry before.

God: He's a businessman with a chain of restaurants. And he's about to launch something new. Food-free food.
Famine: Artificial bun. Artificial burger. Fries that have never seen a potato. Foodless sauces. And... we're rather proud of this: a completely artificial dill pickle.
Frannie: The shake doesn't contain any actual food content either.
Famine: Well, nobody's shakes contain any actual food content.

Frannie: Press this button when you hand over the Chow. And don't call it "food". It's Chow.
— Chow-brand unfood contains spun, plaited and woven protein molecules designed to be ignored by your digestive enzymes, no-cal sweeteners, oil replacements, fibrous materials, colourings and flavourings. Chow is an edible substance and must not be confused with food. Eating Chow can help you to lose weight, hair and kidney functions. May cause anal leakage. Enjoy your meal.

Crowley: Have a nice doomsday.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb
+ Soundtracks

The Book

Good Omens 1×2

Gabriel: Let us discuss my purchase in a private place, because I am buying, uh...
Sandalphon: Pornography?
Gabriel: Pornography. We humans are extremely easily embarrassed. We must buy our pornography secretively.

Gabriel: Human beings are so simple... and so easily fooled.

Gabriel: There's a lot happening. All good.
Aziraphale: All good?
Gabriel: Well, all going according to the Divine Plan. The Hell Hound has been set loose, and now the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are being summoned. Death, Pollution, Famine, War...

Crowley: I didn't mean to fall. I just hung out with the wrong people.

Witchfinder Major Pulsifer: Of what else is she accused?
Maggs: Predicting the future, mostly. She told Mistress Bulcock that Adultery would be coming to town.
Witchfinder Major Pulsifer: Such nonsense.

Witchfinder Major Pulsifer: She runs, I have heard tell, with no one pursuing her.
Maggs: Aye. She says running each morning in an unladylike manner around the village doth improve her health.
Witchfinder Major Pulsifer: Monstrous. Perhaps invisible demons pursue the witch as she runs.
Maggs: No, she says it's good for you. She said we should get more fibre in our diet. I told her, I said, it's hard enough picking out the gravel.
Witchfinder Major Pulsifer: Aye, she is obviously mad.

Witchfinder Major Pulsifer: But how can we be certain she is a witch?
Maggs: She cured me of the howling pox. And cured my son of the bloody flux.
Witchfinder Major Pulsifer: Obviously, a witch.

John Device: "Dear Mistress Nutter, we take great pleasure in enclosing your author's copy of your book. We trust it will sell in huge numbers, yea, and be reprinted even unto a second printing. Yours, Bilton and Scaggs, publishers." The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter.
Virtue Device: "Reminiscent of Nostradamus at his best." Ursula Shipton... What does this mean, John?
John Device: It means, Virtue, that even though Agnes is dead, we must study her book. For your mother knew the future.

Virtue Device: "Prophecy 2,214. In December 1980, an Apple will arise no man can eat. Invest thy money in Master Jobbes's machine, and good fortune will tend thy days." Oh, I mean, this is balderdash.

---

Anathema's Mother: Okay, 2,213.
Anathema Device: "Four shall ride, and three shall ride the sky as two, and one shall ride in flames, and there shall be no stopping them. Not fish, nor rain, neither devil or angel. And ye shall be there also, Anathema."
Anathema's Mother: You see? She's got special plans for you, mi amor. Agnes gave us the easy job. We just had to make sure everything was good for the family. You're the one that's going to have to save the world.

Madame Tracy: Come in, dear. You're lucky. One of my regulars had to cancel. Now, I don't do anything kinky except by prior arrangement. And my knees aren't what they were. Also, if it's strict discipline you'll be wanting, you'd better tell me now because it can take me half an hour to squeeze into the leather pinny.
Newton Pulsifer: I'm sorry?
Madame Tracy: Are you not here for intimate personal relaxation and stress relief for the discerning gentleman?
Newton Pulsifer: No. I'm here to join the Witchfinder Army.

Wensleydale: Did you know that my cousin Charlotte says that in America, they have shops that sell 39 different flavours of ice cream.
Pepper: There aren't 39 different flavours of ice cream! There aren't 39 flavours of ice cream in the whole world.
Brian: There could be, if you mixed them up. You know, strawberry and chocolate... Vanilla and chocolate. Chocolate and vanilla... Strawberry and vanilla and chocolate.

Wensleydale: Actually, there are no more witches, because we invented science and all the vicars set fire to the witches for their own good. It was called the Spanish Inquisition.
Adam Young: I don't reckon it's allowed, going round setting fire to people. Otherwise people'd be doing it all the time.
Brian: It's alright if you're a vicar and it stops the witches from going to hell.

Crowley: It should have worked.
Aziraphale: Ah, but evil always contains the seeds of its own destruction. No matter how well-planned, how foolproof an evil plan, no matter how apparently successful it may seem upon the way, in the end it will founder on the rocks of iniquity and vanish.
Crowley: For my money it was just an ordinary cock-up.

God: Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft are written by men.

Aziraphale: You know, we might get another human to find him.
Crowley: What?
Aziraphale: Humans are good at finding other humans. They've been doing it for thousands of years. And the child is partly human. Other humans might be able to sense him.
Crowley: He's the Antichrist. He's got an automatic defence thingy. Suspicion slides off him like... whatever it is water slides off.

Crowley: So we tell our respective operatives to look for the boy?
Aziraphale: Unless you have a better idea?
Crowley: Ducks!
Aziraphale: What about ducks?
Crowley: They're what water slides off.

Aziraphale: Sorry, right number!

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb
+ Soundtracks

+ Про "Благие знамения"

In the Beginning

Good Omens 1×1

God: Current theories on the creation of the universe state that if it were created at all and didn't just start, as it were, unofficially, it came into being about 14 billion years ago. The Earth is generally supposed to be about 4 1/2 billion years old. These dates are incorrect. Some medieval scholars put the date of the creation at 3760 BC. Others put creation as far back as 5508 BC. Also, incorrect. Archbishop James Ussher claimed that the Heaven and the Earth were created on Sunday, the 21st of October, 4004 BC, at 9:00 a.m. This too was incorrect, by almost a quarter of an hour... It was created at 9:13 in the morning. Which was correct. The whole business with the fossilised dinosaur skeletons was a joke the palaeontologists haven't seen yet. This proves two things. Firstly, that God does not play dice with the universe. I play an ineffable game of my own devising. For everyone else, it's like playing poker in a pitch-dark room, for infinite stakes, with a dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time. Secondly, the Earth is a Libra.

Crowley: Well, that went down like a lead balloon.
Aziraphale: Sorry, what was that?
Crowley: I said, "Well, that went down like a lead balloon."
Aziraphale: Yes, yes, it did, rather.
Crowley: Bit of an overreaction, if you ask me. First offence and everything. I can't see what's so bad about knowing the difference between good and evil anyway.
Aziraphale: Well, it must be bad... Otherwise... you wouldn't have tempted them into it.
Crowley: Oh, they just said, "Get up there and make some trouble."
Aziraphale: Well, obviously. You're a demon. It's what you do.
Crowley: Not very subtle of the Almighty, though. Fruit tree in the middle of a garden with a "Don't Touch" sign. I mean, why not put it on the top of a high mountain? Or on the moon? Makes you wonder what God's really planning.

Aziraphale: It's all part of the Great Plan. It's not for us to understand. It's ineffable.
Crowley: The Great Plan's ineffable?
Aziraphale: Exactly. It is beyond understanding and incapable of being put into words.

Aziraphale: I do hope I didn't do the wrong thing.
Crowley: Oh, you're an angel. I don't think you can do the wrong thing.
Aziraphale: Oh, oh, thank— Oh, thank you. It's been bothering me.
Crowley: I've been worrying, too. What if I did the right thing with the whole "eat the apple" business? A demon can get into a lot of trouble for doing the right thing. It'd be funny if we both got it wrong, eh? If I did the good thing and you did the bad one.
Aziraphale: No. It wouldn't be funny at all.

God: It wasn't a dark and stormy night. But, don't let the weather fool you. Just because it's a mild night doesn't mean that the forces of evil aren't abroad. They are. They are everywhere.

God: Crowley was all in favor of Armageddon in general terms. But it was one thing to work to bring it about, and quite another for it to actually happen.

God: It may help to understand human affairs to know that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally... people.

---

God: Everyone knows the best place for a clandestine meeting in London is, and always has been, St James's Park. They say the ducks are so used to being fed by secret agents that they've developed Pavlovian reactions to them. The Russian cultural attaché's black bread is particularly sought after by the more discerning duck.

Aziraphale: You're sure it was the Antichrist?
Crowley: I should know. I delivered the baby. Well, not "delivered" delivered, you know? Handed it over. An American diplomat.
Aziraphale: Really?
Crowley: As if Armageddon were a cinematographic show you wished to sell in as many countries as possible. The Earth and all the kingdoms thereof.
Aziraphale: We will win, of course.
Crowley: You really believe that?
Aziraphale: Obviously. Heaven will finally triumph over Hell. It's all going to be rather lovely.
Crowley: Out of interest, how many first-class composers do your lot have in Heaven?... Because Mozart's one of ours. Beethoven. Schubert. Uh, all of the Bachs. They have already written their music. And you'll never hear it again. No more Albert Hall. No more Glyndebourne. Just celestial harmonies.
Aziraphale: Well...
Crowley: And that's just the start of what you'll lose if you win. No more fascinating little restaurants where they know you. No gravlax in dill sauce. No more old bookshops.

Aziraphale: So, what are you in the mood for now?
Crowley: Alcohol. Quite extraordinary amounts of alcohol.

Crowley: And you know what's worse? When it's all over, you've got to deal with eternity!
Aziraphale: Eternity?
Crowley: Yeah, it won't be so bad at first. Although no Stephen Sondheim first nights in eternity, I'm afraid. Although, I have heard rumours that your boss really loves The Sound of Music. You fancy spending eternity watching that? You could literally climb every mountain over and over and over and over and over and over and over.

Crowley: Why did the powers of Hell have to drag me into this anyway?
Aziraphale: Well, don't quote me on this, but I'm pretty sure it's because of all those memos you kept sending them, saying how amazingly well you were doing.
Crowley: Is it my fault they never check-up? I'm to blame they never check-up? Everyone stretches the truth a bit in memos to head office. You know that.
Aziraphale: Yes, but you told them you invented the Spanish Inquisition and started the Second World War.
Crowley: So the humans beat me to it. That's not my fault.

Crowley: The boy, wherever he is, has the dog. He's named it. It's done. He's coming into his power.
Aziraphale: We're doomed.
Crowley: Well, then... welcome to the end times.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb
+ Soundtracks

+ Прекрасный сериал, с какой стороны на него не смотри.