In the Beginning

Good Omens 1×1

God: Current theories on the creation of the universe state that if it were created at all and didn't just start, as it were, unofficially, it came into being about 14 billion years ago. The Earth is generally supposed to be about 4 1/2 billion years old. These dates are incorrect. Some medieval scholars put the date of the creation at 3760 BC. Others put creation as far back as 5508 BC. Also, incorrect. Archbishop James Ussher claimed that the Heaven and the Earth were created on Sunday, the 21st of October, 4004 BC, at 9:00 a.m. This too was incorrect, by almost a quarter of an hour... It was created at 9:13 in the morning. Which was correct. The whole business with the fossilised dinosaur skeletons was a joke the palaeontologists haven't seen yet. This proves two things. Firstly, that God does not play dice with the universe. I play an ineffable game of my own devising. For everyone else, it's like playing poker in a pitch-dark room, for infinite stakes, with a dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time. Secondly, the Earth is a Libra.

Crowley: Well, that went down like a lead balloon.
Aziraphale: Sorry, what was that?
Crowley: I said, "Well, that went down like a lead balloon."
Aziraphale: Yes, yes, it did, rather.
Crowley: Bit of an overreaction, if you ask me. First offence and everything. I can't see what's so bad about knowing the difference between good and evil anyway.
Aziraphale: Well, it must be bad... Otherwise... you wouldn't have tempted them into it.
Crowley: Oh, they just said, "Get up there and make some trouble."
Aziraphale: Well, obviously. You're a demon. It's what you do.
Crowley: Not very subtle of the Almighty, though. Fruit tree in the middle of a garden with a "Don't Touch" sign. I mean, why not put it on the top of a high mountain? Or on the moon? Makes you wonder what God's really planning.

Aziraphale: It's all part of the Great Plan. It's not for us to understand. It's ineffable.
Crowley: The Great Plan's ineffable?
Aziraphale: Exactly. It is beyond understanding and incapable of being put into words.

Aziraphale: I do hope I didn't do the wrong thing.
Crowley: Oh, you're an angel. I don't think you can do the wrong thing.
Aziraphale: Oh, oh, thank— Oh, thank you. It's been bothering me.
Crowley: I've been worrying, too. What if I did the right thing with the whole "eat the apple" business? A demon can get into a lot of trouble for doing the right thing. It'd be funny if we both got it wrong, eh? If I did the good thing and you did the bad one.
Aziraphale: No. It wouldn't be funny at all.

God: It wasn't a dark and stormy night. But, don't let the weather fool you. Just because it's a mild night doesn't mean that the forces of evil aren't abroad. They are. They are everywhere.

God: Crowley was all in favor of Armageddon in general terms. But it was one thing to work to bring it about, and quite another for it to actually happen.

God: It may help to understand human affairs to know that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally... people.

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God: Everyone knows the best place for a clandestine meeting in London is, and always has been, St James's Park. They say the ducks are so used to being fed by secret agents that they've developed Pavlovian reactions to them. The Russian cultural attaché's black bread is particularly sought after by the more discerning duck.

Aziraphale: You're sure it was the Antichrist?
Crowley: I should know. I delivered the baby. Well, not "delivered" delivered, you know? Handed it over. An American diplomat.
Aziraphale: Really?
Crowley: As if Armageddon were a cinematographic show you wished to sell in as many countries as possible. The Earth and all the kingdoms thereof.
Aziraphale: We will win, of course.
Crowley: You really believe that?
Aziraphale: Obviously. Heaven will finally triumph over Hell. It's all going to be rather lovely.
Crowley: Out of interest, how many first-class composers do your lot have in Heaven?... Because Mozart's one of ours. Beethoven. Schubert. Uh, all of the Bachs. They have already written their music. And you'll never hear it again. No more Albert Hall. No more Glyndebourne. Just celestial harmonies.
Aziraphale: Well...
Crowley: And that's just the start of what you'll lose if you win. No more fascinating little restaurants where they know you. No gravlax in dill sauce. No more old bookshops.

Aziraphale: So, what are you in the mood for now?
Crowley: Alcohol. Quite extraordinary amounts of alcohol.

Crowley: And you know what's worse? When it's all over, you've got to deal with eternity!
Aziraphale: Eternity?
Crowley: Yeah, it won't be so bad at first. Although no Stephen Sondheim first nights in eternity, I'm afraid. Although, I have heard rumours that your boss really loves The Sound of Music. You fancy spending eternity watching that? You could literally climb every mountain over and over and over and over and over and over and over.

Crowley: Why did the powers of Hell have to drag me into this anyway?
Aziraphale: Well, don't quote me on this, but I'm pretty sure it's because of all those memos you kept sending them, saying how amazingly well you were doing.
Crowley: Is it my fault they never check-up? I'm to blame they never check-up? Everyone stretches the truth a bit in memos to head office. You know that.
Aziraphale: Yes, but you told them you invented the Spanish Inquisition and started the Second World War.
Crowley: So the humans beat me to it. That's not my fault.

Crowley: The boy, wherever he is, has the dog. He's named it. It's done. He's coming into his power.
Aziraphale: We're doomed.
Crowley: Well, then... welcome to the end times.

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