C.R. MacNamara: Schlemmer, how many times have I told you I don't want those people standing at attention every time I come into the office.
Schlemmer: I know. I've given strict orders.
C.R. MacNamara: Can't they get it through their Prussian heads? They're living in a democracy now.
Schlemmer: That is the trouble. In the old days, if I ordered them to sit... they would sit. Now with a democracy, they do what they want. What they want is to stand.
C.R. MacNamara: ... Next, our contract will contain the usual provisions. We supply the syrup, you do the bottling.
Borodenko: Certainly not. We make our own syrup. You supply the formula.
C.R. MacNamara: Forget it, gentlemen. That formula stays in our vaults. We give it to you, first thing we know... the Chinese Communists will have it.
Peripetchikoff: No formula, no deal!
C.R. MacNamara: OK, no deal!
Borodenko: We do not need you! If we want Coca-cola, we invent it ourselves!
C.R. MacNamara: Oh, yeah? In 1956 you flew a bottle of Coke to a secret laboratory in Sverdlosk. A dozen of your top chemists went nuts trying to analyze the ingredients. Right?
Mishkin: No comment!
C.R. MacNamara: And in 1958, you planted two undercover agents in Atlanta to steal the formula. And what happened? They both defected! And now they're successful businessmen in Florida packaging instant borscht. Right?
Peripetchikoff: No comment!
C.R. MacNamara: Last year you put out a cockamamie imitation "Kremlin-kola!" You tried it out in the satellite countries, but even the Albanians wouldn't drink it. They used it for sheep dip! Right?
Mishkin: No comment!
C.R. MacNamara: So either get down to business or get off the pot!
Peripetchikoff: My dear American friend, if we are to live together in peaceful coexistence, there must be a certain amount of give and take.
C.R. MacNamara: Oh, sure — we give and you take.
Peripetchikoff: What is the matter — you do not trust us?
C.R. MacNamara: No comment!
C.R. MacNamara: Next, the deal will be set up on a royalty basis.
Peripetchikoff: Royalty? In Russia, we do not have royalty... not since we liquidate the Czar.
C.R. MacNamara: Nevertheless, you'll pay us a percentage of the gross.
Peripetchikoff: Money?
C.R. MacNamara: Dollars.
Peripetchikoff: Instead of dollars, you would accept three-week tour... of Bolshoi Ballet.
C.R. MacNamara: Please. No culture, just cash.
Mishkin: The ugly American.
Wendell P. Hazeltine: And how about the Russian deal?
C.R. MacNamara: Napoleon blew it, Hitler blew it... but Coca-Cola's gonna pull it off.
... So you better find yourself another girl.
C.R. MacNamara: All right! Dictation. Classified ad to run in all Berlin papers. Quote... "Attractive middle-aged executive... wants attractive, young secretary. Must be versatile and cooperative. Excellent salary, congenial working conditions... fringe benefits."
Fräulein Ingeborg: Fringe benefits? What is that?
C.R. MacNamara: Little extras. For instance, this morning... I was passing that fancy shop on the Kurfuerstendamm... and there was this white silk dress in the window... with polka dots all over it and a matching hat.
Fräulein Ingeborg: And a bag? And matching shoes?
C.R. MacNamara: Why not?
Fräulein Ingeborg: I'll take the job.
C.R. MacNamara: You got it.
Fräulein Ingeborg: Danke schön.
C.R. MacNamara: You're welcome schön.
C.R. MacNamara: Now, you and this Otto... exactly what do you do when you're together?
Scarlett Hazeltine: All kinds of goodies. I wash his shirts, and he broadens my mind... and if it's a warm night, we go lie on the roof... and watch the Sputniks go by.
C.R. MacNamara: You married a Communist?!?!
Scarlett Hazeltine: He's not a Communist. He's a republican. He comes from the Republic of East Germany.
Scarlett Hazeltine: You can't bribe him!
C.R. MacNamara: Two thousand?
Otto Ludwig Piffl: How about five thousand?
Scarlett Hazeltine: Otto, what are you saying?!
C.R. MacNamara: OK. Five thousand marks.
Otto Ludwig Piffl: If it's worth five thousand, why not fifty thousand?
C.R. MacNamara: Fifty thousand?! You crazy!
Otto Ludwig Piffl: I just want to see how far they will go... to break up a happy Socialist marriage.
Otto Ludwig Piffl: I spit on your money. I spit on Fort Knox! I spit on Wall Street!
C.R. MacNamara: Unsanitary little jerk, isn't he?
Otto Ludwig Piffl: You and your kind are doomed. We will take over West Berlin. We will take over Western Europe. We will bury you!
C.R. MacNamara: Do me a favor. Bury us, but don't marry us.
Otto Ludwig Piffl: Look at all this waste... Capitalism is like a dead herring in the moonlight. It shines, but it stinks!
C.R. MacNamara: Moscow?!
Scarlett Hazeltine: That's what I came to tell you. He's got a scholarship... to the People's Technological Institute. He's studying to be a missile engineer.
Otto Ludwig Piffl: Soviet missiles... Venus! American missiles... Miami Beach.
Scarlett Hazeltine: So you just tell Daddy I'm on my way to the U.S.S.R. That's short for Russia.
C.R. MacNamara: Are you out of your seventeen-year-old mind? Russia's to get out of, not to get into!
Phyllis MacNamara: She married a Communist?! This is gonna be the biggest thing to hit Atlanta... since General Sherman threw that little barbecue... No, I don't think it's funny... They're gonna live in Moscow? Now, that's funny.
Scarlett Hazeltine: I promise you, I'll only wear my jewelry at home.
Otto Ludwig Piffl: They have assigned us a magnificent apartment... just a short walk from the bathroom.
Scarlett Hazeltine: I love you.
Otto Ludwig Piffl: I'll make you very happy. Every morning, we'll have breakfast in bed.
Scarlett Hazeltine: Sounds wonderful.
Otto Ludwig Piffl: Also lunch, also dinner.
Scarlett Hazeltine: In bed?
Otto Ludwig Piffl: There's no table and no chairs.
Scarlett Hazeltine: Who cares?
Phyllis MacNamara: I wonder what it's like to work for Pepsi Cola...
C.R. MacNamara: Better a dead hero than a live Communist.
Peripetchikoff: You like this caviar? We give you a hundred pounds.
C.R. MacNamara: I want Piffl.
Peripetchikoff: Would you take new automobile? 1961 Moskvich hardtop convertible-two-toned.
C.R. MacNamara: You mean that Russian hot rod parked outside? Is wonderful car. Is exact copy of 1927 Nash. Not interested.
Peripetchikoff: We will give you Chinese cigarettes... Armenian rugs... Bulgarian yogurt?
Borodenko: Why should they find out in Moscow? I will not inform them. But if they do find out... then we just cross the border into West Berlin.
Peripetchikoff: That is easy for you to say. You are a bachelor. But if I defect... you know what they will do to my family? They will line them up against the wall and shoot them... my wife and my mother-in-law... and my sister-in-law and my brother-in-law... Comrades, let's do it.
Phyllis MacNamara: Will you please give my husband a message? Tell him I said aloha.
Fräulein Ingeborg: Aloha?
Phyllis MacNamara: That's Hawaiian for "get lost."
Scarlett Hazeltine: He's right, darling. Always white wine with chicken.
C.R. MacNamara: Out of a glass, stupid!
Otto Ludwig Piffl: Yeah, you know everything. Which wine to drink, which fork to use for fish... which knife to stab the proletariat in the back with.
Otto Ludwig Piffl: You really want to make me the boss of the bottling plant?
C.R. MacNamara: It's a must so your father-in-law... won't think you're just a titled beatnik... sponging off your wife.
Otto Ludwig Piffl: I'm going to like this job.
C.R. MacNamara: It's about time you started to cooperate—
Otto Ludwig Piffl: You know what the first thing is I'm going to do? I'm going to lead the workers down there in revolt!
Peripetchikoff: For the last time, you have made fool of me!
Otto Ludwig Piffl: He fooled me, too. Listen, Commissar... you must help me and my wife get into the Soviet Zone.
Peripetchikoff: There may be a little problem...
C.R. MacNamara: Yeah, everybody's coming this way. Fifteen hundred people a day. You want to fight all that traffic?
Otto Ludwig Piffl: I'm a party member, paid up till December. They need me there. I'm a missile scientist.
Peripetchikoff: Ah, that is one field where we're ahead of America! In Cape Canaveral, if missile goes wrong... they press special button and pow! It blows up... but in Russia, we have two buttons—
Otto Ludwig Piffl: Two buttons!
Peripetchikoff: One to blow up missile, one to blow up scientist.
Otto Ludwig Piffl: What kind of a commissar are you?
Peripetchikoff: An ex-commissar.
Otto Ludwig Piffl: You've defected?!
Peripetchikoff: Is old Russian proverb — go west, young man.
Otto Ludwig Piffl: You betrayed your own comrades?!
Peripetchikoff: If I don't do it to them, they do it to me.
C.R. MacNamara: Is old Russian proverb.
Otto Ludwig Piffl: You're worse than he is.
Peripetchikoff: Look, my young friend. I don't want to be name-dropper... but what do you think Khrushchev did to Malenkov? What do you think Stalin did to Trotsky?
Otto Ludwig Piffl: Is everybody in this world corrupt?
Peripetchikoff: I don't know everybody.
Otto Ludwig Piffl: Maybe we should liquidate the whole human race and start all over again.
C.R. MacNamara: Look at it this way, kid. Any world that can produce the Taj Mahal... William Shakespeare, and striped toothpaste... can't be all bad.
Otto Ludwig Piffl: I'm sorry, darling. I didn't mean it. Of course we're going to have the baby. ... Maybe our children can make this a better place to live in... a world where men are created equal... and there's liberty and justice for all.
C.R. MacNamara: Congratulations. You just quoted Thomas Jefferson... Abraham Lincoln... and the Pledge of Allegiance to the Flag!
Otto Ludwig Piffl: I what?!
C.R. MacNamara: Here's a list of what you owe me.
Otto Ludwig Piffl: Owe you?
C.R. MacNamara: All itemized. Mercedes limousine, twenty thousand marks. Cost of adoption, forty-five hundred marks. Suits, haberdashery, shoes, et cetera, et cetera... 12,800 marks. Luggage, flowers, 7-course dinner, 925 marks. Haircut and manicure, fourteen marks. Tips, six marks— I'm a very large tipper. Wristwatch, cigarette case, lighter with fluid, 2,200 marks. Loose change, 475 marks. Total, 41,020 marks, or $10,255.
Otto Ludwig Piffl: You mean I have been a capitalist for three hours... and already I owe $10,000?
C.R. MacNamara: That's what makes our system work. Everybody owes everybody.
--
+++ Quotes on the IMDb
Schlemmer: I know. I've given strict orders.
C.R. MacNamara: Can't they get it through their Prussian heads? They're living in a democracy now.
Schlemmer: That is the trouble. In the old days, if I ordered them to sit... they would sit. Now with a democracy, they do what they want. What they want is to stand.
C.R. MacNamara: ... Next, our contract will contain the usual provisions. We supply the syrup, you do the bottling.
Borodenko: Certainly not. We make our own syrup. You supply the formula.
C.R. MacNamara: Forget it, gentlemen. That formula stays in our vaults. We give it to you, first thing we know... the Chinese Communists will have it.
Peripetchikoff: No formula, no deal!
C.R. MacNamara: OK, no deal!
Borodenko: We do not need you! If we want Coca-cola, we invent it ourselves!
C.R. MacNamara: Oh, yeah? In 1956 you flew a bottle of Coke to a secret laboratory in Sverdlosk. A dozen of your top chemists went nuts trying to analyze the ingredients. Right?
Mishkin: No comment!
C.R. MacNamara: And in 1958, you planted two undercover agents in Atlanta to steal the formula. And what happened? They both defected! And now they're successful businessmen in Florida packaging instant borscht. Right?
Peripetchikoff: No comment!
C.R. MacNamara: Last year you put out a cockamamie imitation "Kremlin-kola!" You tried it out in the satellite countries, but even the Albanians wouldn't drink it. They used it for sheep dip! Right?
Mishkin: No comment!
C.R. MacNamara: So either get down to business or get off the pot!
Peripetchikoff: My dear American friend, if we are to live together in peaceful coexistence, there must be a certain amount of give and take.
C.R. MacNamara: Oh, sure — we give and you take.
Peripetchikoff: What is the matter — you do not trust us?
C.R. MacNamara: No comment!
C.R. MacNamara: Next, the deal will be set up on a royalty basis.
Peripetchikoff: Royalty? In Russia, we do not have royalty... not since we liquidate the Czar.
C.R. MacNamara: Nevertheless, you'll pay us a percentage of the gross.
Peripetchikoff: Money?
C.R. MacNamara: Dollars.
Peripetchikoff: Instead of dollars, you would accept three-week tour... of Bolshoi Ballet.
C.R. MacNamara: Please. No culture, just cash.
Mishkin: The ugly American.
Wendell P. Hazeltine: And how about the Russian deal?
C.R. MacNamara: Napoleon blew it, Hitler blew it... but Coca-Cola's gonna pull it off.
... So you better find yourself another girl.
C.R. MacNamara: All right! Dictation. Classified ad to run in all Berlin papers. Quote... "Attractive middle-aged executive... wants attractive, young secretary. Must be versatile and cooperative. Excellent salary, congenial working conditions... fringe benefits."
Fräulein Ingeborg: Fringe benefits? What is that?
C.R. MacNamara: Little extras. For instance, this morning... I was passing that fancy shop on the Kurfuerstendamm... and there was this white silk dress in the window... with polka dots all over it and a matching hat.
Fräulein Ingeborg: And a bag? And matching shoes?
C.R. MacNamara: Why not?
Fräulein Ingeborg: I'll take the job.
C.R. MacNamara: You got it.
Fräulein Ingeborg: Danke schön.
C.R. MacNamara: You're welcome schön.
C.R. MacNamara: Now, you and this Otto... exactly what do you do when you're together?
Scarlett Hazeltine: All kinds of goodies. I wash his shirts, and he broadens my mind... and if it's a warm night, we go lie on the roof... and watch the Sputniks go by.
C.R. MacNamara: You married a Communist?!?!
Scarlett Hazeltine: He's not a Communist. He's a republican. He comes from the Republic of East Germany.
Scarlett Hazeltine: You can't bribe him!
C.R. MacNamara: Two thousand?
Otto Ludwig Piffl: How about five thousand?
Scarlett Hazeltine: Otto, what are you saying?!
C.R. MacNamara: OK. Five thousand marks.
Otto Ludwig Piffl: If it's worth five thousand, why not fifty thousand?
C.R. MacNamara: Fifty thousand?! You crazy!
Otto Ludwig Piffl: I just want to see how far they will go... to break up a happy Socialist marriage.
Otto Ludwig Piffl: I spit on your money. I spit on Fort Knox! I spit on Wall Street!
C.R. MacNamara: Unsanitary little jerk, isn't he?
Otto Ludwig Piffl: You and your kind are doomed. We will take over West Berlin. We will take over Western Europe. We will bury you!
C.R. MacNamara: Do me a favor. Bury us, but don't marry us.
Otto Ludwig Piffl: Look at all this waste... Capitalism is like a dead herring in the moonlight. It shines, but it stinks!
C.R. MacNamara: Moscow?!
Scarlett Hazeltine: That's what I came to tell you. He's got a scholarship... to the People's Technological Institute. He's studying to be a missile engineer.
Otto Ludwig Piffl: Soviet missiles... Venus! American missiles... Miami Beach.
Scarlett Hazeltine: So you just tell Daddy I'm on my way to the U.S.S.R. That's short for Russia.
C.R. MacNamara: Are you out of your seventeen-year-old mind? Russia's to get out of, not to get into!
Phyllis MacNamara: She married a Communist?! This is gonna be the biggest thing to hit Atlanta... since General Sherman threw that little barbecue... No, I don't think it's funny... They're gonna live in Moscow? Now, that's funny.
Scarlett Hazeltine: I promise you, I'll only wear my jewelry at home.
Otto Ludwig Piffl: They have assigned us a magnificent apartment... just a short walk from the bathroom.
Scarlett Hazeltine: I love you.
Otto Ludwig Piffl: I'll make you very happy. Every morning, we'll have breakfast in bed.
Scarlett Hazeltine: Sounds wonderful.
Otto Ludwig Piffl: Also lunch, also dinner.
Scarlett Hazeltine: In bed?
Otto Ludwig Piffl: There's no table and no chairs.
Scarlett Hazeltine: Who cares?
Phyllis MacNamara: I wonder what it's like to work for Pepsi Cola...
C.R. MacNamara: Better a dead hero than a live Communist.
Peripetchikoff: You like this caviar? We give you a hundred pounds.
C.R. MacNamara: I want Piffl.
Peripetchikoff: Would you take new automobile? 1961 Moskvich hardtop convertible-two-toned.
C.R. MacNamara: You mean that Russian hot rod parked outside? Is wonderful car. Is exact copy of 1927 Nash. Not interested.
Peripetchikoff: We will give you Chinese cigarettes... Armenian rugs... Bulgarian yogurt?
Borodenko: Why should they find out in Moscow? I will not inform them. But if they do find out... then we just cross the border into West Berlin.
Peripetchikoff: That is easy for you to say. You are a bachelor. But if I defect... you know what they will do to my family? They will line them up against the wall and shoot them... my wife and my mother-in-law... and my sister-in-law and my brother-in-law... Comrades, let's do it.
Phyllis MacNamara: Will you please give my husband a message? Tell him I said aloha.
Fräulein Ingeborg: Aloha?
Phyllis MacNamara: That's Hawaiian for "get lost."
Scarlett Hazeltine: He's right, darling. Always white wine with chicken.
C.R. MacNamara: Out of a glass, stupid!
Otto Ludwig Piffl: Yeah, you know everything. Which wine to drink, which fork to use for fish... which knife to stab the proletariat in the back with.
Otto Ludwig Piffl: You really want to make me the boss of the bottling plant?
C.R. MacNamara: It's a must so your father-in-law... won't think you're just a titled beatnik... sponging off your wife.
Otto Ludwig Piffl: I'm going to like this job.
C.R. MacNamara: It's about time you started to cooperate—
Otto Ludwig Piffl: You know what the first thing is I'm going to do? I'm going to lead the workers down there in revolt!
Peripetchikoff: For the last time, you have made fool of me!
Otto Ludwig Piffl: He fooled me, too. Listen, Commissar... you must help me and my wife get into the Soviet Zone.
Peripetchikoff: There may be a little problem...
C.R. MacNamara: Yeah, everybody's coming this way. Fifteen hundred people a day. You want to fight all that traffic?
Otto Ludwig Piffl: I'm a party member, paid up till December. They need me there. I'm a missile scientist.
Peripetchikoff: Ah, that is one field where we're ahead of America! In Cape Canaveral, if missile goes wrong... they press special button and pow! It blows up... but in Russia, we have two buttons—
Otto Ludwig Piffl: Two buttons!
Peripetchikoff: One to blow up missile, one to blow up scientist.
Otto Ludwig Piffl: What kind of a commissar are you?
Peripetchikoff: An ex-commissar.
Otto Ludwig Piffl: You've defected?!
Peripetchikoff: Is old Russian proverb — go west, young man.
Otto Ludwig Piffl: You betrayed your own comrades?!
Peripetchikoff: If I don't do it to them, they do it to me.
C.R. MacNamara: Is old Russian proverb.
Otto Ludwig Piffl: You're worse than he is.
Peripetchikoff: Look, my young friend. I don't want to be name-dropper... but what do you think Khrushchev did to Malenkov? What do you think Stalin did to Trotsky?
Otto Ludwig Piffl: Is everybody in this world corrupt?
Peripetchikoff: I don't know everybody.
Otto Ludwig Piffl: Maybe we should liquidate the whole human race and start all over again.
C.R. MacNamara: Look at it this way, kid. Any world that can produce the Taj Mahal... William Shakespeare, and striped toothpaste... can't be all bad.
Otto Ludwig Piffl: I'm sorry, darling. I didn't mean it. Of course we're going to have the baby. ... Maybe our children can make this a better place to live in... a world where men are created equal... and there's liberty and justice for all.
C.R. MacNamara: Congratulations. You just quoted Thomas Jefferson... Abraham Lincoln... and the Pledge of Allegiance to the Flag!
Otto Ludwig Piffl: I what?!
C.R. MacNamara: Here's a list of what you owe me.
Otto Ludwig Piffl: Owe you?
C.R. MacNamara: All itemized. Mercedes limousine, twenty thousand marks. Cost of adoption, forty-five hundred marks. Suits, haberdashery, shoes, et cetera, et cetera... 12,800 marks. Luggage, flowers, 7-course dinner, 925 marks. Haircut and manicure, fourteen marks. Tips, six marks— I'm a very large tipper. Wristwatch, cigarette case, lighter with fluid, 2,200 marks. Loose change, 475 marks. Total, 41,020 marks, or $10,255.
Otto Ludwig Piffl: You mean I have been a capitalist for three hours... and already I owe $10,000?
C.R. MacNamara: That's what makes our system work. Everybody owes everybody.
--
+++ Quotes on the IMDb
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